Hi! (again)
I've recently started writing a book series, just for fun. Upon recent re-reads, I've found the way it sounds, feels badly written, and kind of weird. I partly think this could be due to the characters themselves, but it's more likely just that I'm not very good at writing. Here's a bit that is kind of what I'm talking about.
____________________________
“What do we do for the next hour?” Amber asked her, putting Chubs on the ground so he could walk around.
“Well, we should probably get breakfast,” Lillie replied, but just as she was saying that, some more people came over. Lillie recognized them as some of Esme’s new recruits they saw yesterday.
“What are you doing here?” Leo asked them in disgust.
“We just wanted to introduce ourselves,” A boy said. He looked around eleven, with tanned skin and brown hair. He was holding an axe and his clothes were badly stained with mud and grass.
“I already know who you are Niles,” Mathew said coldly. Niles smirked again,
“Oh, I said about that earlier Mathew, move on. Anyway, if any of you were too stupid to hear, I’m Niles.”
“And I’m Cooper,” the boy from earlier said.
“Addison,” The final boy said. He had messy blonde hair and a sour face and holding a spear.
“You already know who I am,” Cleo said, glaring at Rose.
“I hope you’re ready to fail,” Addison smirked, “We’re going to crush you.”
“We get it. You’ve told us that enough already.”
Somehow, they all kept arguing until Max shouted they had two minutes until the next game started.
___________________________

Something about the whole book just feels like a weird tone, I guess, but I don't know how to make it better.
Another problem I have is that there are WAY too many characters now, all there for most of the book, and I'm having trouble deciding who/how to get rid of them (or make them a minor character).
Thanks!

Thanks to everyone who replied to my question.
Where the time jumps confusing even with the stars to indicate time jumps? Would it be clearer if I wrote ten years later, etc?

YeahImaHunter wrote:

Amazing writing! I found the time skips kind of confusing, and the ending didn't explain what exactly happened and felt slightly underwhelming. Keep on writing!

What did you mean by underwhelming? Any ideas how to fix it?

WackyGirl1234 wrote:

Thanks to everyone who replied to my question.
Where the time jumps confusing even with the stars to indicate time jumps? Would it be clearer if I wrote ten years later, etc?

YeahImaHunter wrote:

Amazing writing! I found the time skips kind of confusing, and the ending didn't explain what exactly happened and felt slightly underwhelming. Keep on writing!

What did you mean by underwhelming? Any ideas on how to fix it?

It almost feels like all of that happened, just for a camping trip. I can't tell you how to write, but I would have preferred if the protagonist did something larger, like buy back their childhood home.

TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

cheese-duck wrote:

Huh, interesting point.
I was wondering about something specific, so if this is fine to ask:
In my book, there's magicians living hidden among non-magicians, like in Harry Potter, and I think the reason they're hidden is to eliminate any problems arising from this difference– like accusation for being ‘freaks,’ or jealousy, or overall just a feeling of tension between the two kinds of people because one has something the other doesn't. Does this create any plot holes like the ones you mentioned in the tip, and does it seem too much like Harry Potter?

Thanks :]

Firstly, I don't think it's too similar to harry potter from what you've told me- magicians living amongst humans isn't a particularly original concept.
Secondly, The only main problem with your current reason for the wizards hiding is that it sounds like there has been some kind of general group consensus between all the wizards that they should hide. This is only really noticeable as their reasons for hiding are more opinion-based than based on a need for survival (e.g: vampires hiding because they don't want their prey to be frightened is opinion-based, vampires hiding because they don't want to be killed by angry humans is survival) which makes it seem less likely that a large group would all agree to and support it.
This isn't a major plot hole or anything, but if you want to make it a bit more plausible you could either have a small wizard population (so it would be more likely that everyone would agree on this), or have genuine consequences that could happen if they were discovered, and not just theoretical things.

Idea: Add a backstory where there was a huge war between supremacist wizards and humans, forcing well-intentioned wizards into hiding

Hi, I hope people still look at this forum.
I am making a comic of my take on the legend of Zelda story. I’ve got some good ideas but before I can go any farther I need to solidify my characters motivations. I need some people to help give me ideas and respond to some of my ideas.

First character that needs a motivation: Liddel
This is my version of link. He is a 12/13 year old kid who lives with his uncle, his only known living relative. He lives in a rather large city, (large for the 14th century) and as a result his life is constantly surrounded by greed, anger and other sins of men. This whole ‘sin of men’ is a rather prominent theme in this story. Anyway he needs a motivation that will set him on a long journey with a fairy and he’s not too happy about her tagging along. He travels through all sorts of places, collecting items and knowledge and freeing various towns from monsters before he finally confronts Ganondorf.

Second character that needs a motivation: Sayuri (Yuri)
This is a sassy fairy with a special distain for humans. The comic starts with her fleeing her sacred fairy hideout place, which had just been ransacked and corrupted by humans on the day of the crowning of the great fairy. She was also very close with her sister, who was recently killed (accidentally) by a careless human. She believes deeply that all humans are evil, and irredeemable. She keeps the fact that her sister was killed by a human secret from Liddel and when probed, tells him Ganondorf killed her. Although it is not known to the reader until the last few days, Yuri is actually a spy for Ganondorf, and will betray Liddel the end of the story. I need a fake motivation for her to give to Liddel as an excuse to follow him through his journey.

Also it would be nice if Ganondorf had a motivation other than RULE THE WORLD CAUSE EVIL AHAHAHA

Ideas: Liddel starts out with a rather selfish motivation and then slowly his motivation becomes Yuri and Yuri’s motivation because he begins to form a (romantic?) relationship with her.

Please help me. Give me any ideas you think of.

Oh-Botheration wrote:

Hi, I hope people still look at this forum.
I am making a comic of my take on the legend of Zelda story. I’ve got some good ideas but before I can go any farther I need to solidify my characters motivations. I need some people to help give me ideas and respond to some of my ideas.

First character that needs a motivation: Liddel
This is my version of link. He is a 12/13 year old kid who lives with his uncle, his only known living relative. He lives in a rather large city, (large for the 14th century) and as a result his life is constantly surrounded by greed, anger and other sins of men. This whole ‘sin of men’ is a rather prominent theme in this story. Anyway he needs a motivation that will set him on a long journey with a fairy and he’s not too happy about her tagging along. He travels through all sorts of places, collecting items and knowledge and freeing various towns from monsters before he finally confronts Ganondorf.

Second character that needs a motivation: Sayuri (Yuri)
This is a sassy fairy with a special distain for humans. The comic starts with her fleeing her sacred fairy hideout place, which had just been ransacked and corrupted by humans on the day of the crowning of the great fairy. She was also very close with her sister, who was recently killed (accidentally) by a careless human. She believes deeply that all humans are evil, and irredeemable. She keeps the fact that her sister was killed by a human secret from Liddel and when probed, tells him Ganondorf killed her. Although it is not known to the reader until the last few days, Yuri is actually a spy for Ganondorf, and will betray Liddel the end of the story. I need a fake motivation for her to give to Liddel as an excuse to follow him through his journey.

Also it would be nice if Ganondorf had a motivation other than RULE THE WORLD CAUSE EVIL AHAHAHA

Ideas: Liddel starts out with a rather selfish motivation and then slowly his motivation becomes Yuri and Yuri’s motivation because he begins to form a (romantic?) relationship with her.

Please help me. Give me any ideas you think of.

Bump

Oh-Botheration wrote:

-snip-

Late reply but hopefully this will help!

For the first character, I could see him being motivated to leave because he is flat-out sick of living in a hostile and greedy environment, and he is perhaps trying to prove to himself that not everyone is that way.

Now for Yuri. A fake motivation, huh? Interesting… Maybe she pretends that she is out for revenge against the careless human that killed her sister. Death can be a huge motivator for characters, and can also make for some emotional scenes. How exactly you want to have it as a fake motivator is up to you.

I don't know a whole lot about Ganondorf, but an interesting motivation to consider is justice. If he was, for example, forced to leave his boyhood home because a group of mercenaries had wrecked people's homes and it was unsafe, it might cause him to have a desire to “purge” the land of such people.
(TBH I keep reading his name as Gandalf and wondering why he's a bad guy xD)

I'm a bit confused about Liddel, sorry.

Here's a random piece of writing advice if anyone is interested:

One of the best things I have learned is setting the scene. This may sound a bit random and unnecessary, but hear me out.
Let's say you are writing a beautiful Fantasy world, but you want to get into the plot quickly, so you don't tell the reader a lot about your world. While this may seem like a good idea at first, readers have never been to your world. They don't know about it's magic, it's creatures, the way of life there.
So, how do you fix this?
Instead of plunging head-first into a confusing world with no prior knowledge, give the readers a chance to get a grasp on the world. Glimpse into the magic, or just plain odd side of the world. What are the magic “rules”? What sort of creatures live there? What is a legend in their world?
But don't start the book with a huge info-dump!(unless it's a prologue that tells of important events before the story starts) Instead, try incorporating it into the first scene.

On that same note, even if your book isn't Fantasy/Sci-Fi/Superhero, you can use this technique as well, but about the character. One thing I've noticed both movies and books do is reveal the main character's fears very early on. This helps humanize them and helps you sympathize before knowing their whole story.
This is a very odd example, but I was re-watching The Goofy Movie, and it used this in the first scene. Max, Goofy's son, has a nightmare of turning into his dad. When the audience sees this, they can already feel the tension between him and his father, because he wants to be different, if not the opposite, of his father.

I don't know if anyone checks this form anymore but I hope this helps someone.

PrincessFlowerTV wrote:

Oh-Botheration wrote:

-snip-

Late reply but hopefully this will help!

For the first character, I could see him being motivated to leave because he is flat-out sick of living in a hostile and greedy environment, and he is perhaps trying to prove to himself that not everyone is that way.

Now for Yuri. A fake motivation, huh? Interesting… Maybe she pretends that she is out for revenge against the careless human that killed her sister. Death can be a huge motivator for characters, and can also make for some emotional scenes. How exactly you want to have it as a fake motivator is up to you.

I don't know a whole lot about Ganondorf, but an interesting motivation to consider is justice. If he was, for example, forced to leave his boyhood home because a group of mercenaries had wrecked people's homes and it was unsafe, it might cause him to have a desire to “purge” the land of such people.
(TBH I keep reading his name as Gandalf and wondering why he's a bad guy xD)

I'm a bit confused about Liddel, sorry.

Oh thank you so much!! And lol I'm confused about Liddel too.

Thank you PrincessFlowerTV for that writing advice. I really like this forum and I hope to keep it alive and maybe introduce some new people to the thread. So consider this little piece of writing advice a Bump!

Characters are what carry the story.
I was reading some legend of Zelda manga the other day (manga= Japanese comic books) and I noticed that one story stood out head and shoulders from the rest: Four Swords. And do you wanna know why? Well, at the very beginning of the book link draws the four sword from the pedestal and in doing so, the sword splits him into four differently colored people. Each of these four different links are extrapolated and concentrated bits of his personality. Green is focused and motivated, Blue is hotheaded, angry, and hasty, Red is sweet, innocent and childlike, and Violet is cool, calm and clever. And WOW DOES THIS BOOK TURN PAGES. The chemistry these four characters have is insane! Maybe it’s just my bias for link but I love watching these characters bumble around and step on each others toes. There’s also a fifth link, Links shadow, and he is a wonderful, conflicted anti-hero type. What I’m trying to say is it doesn’t matter what these characters are doing, even when the story slows down a bit I still enjoy seeing what these characters will do. Honestly they could be going to Starbucks and I would buy that book in a heartbeat. So create characters that have strong, memorable personalities. You could accuse these characters of being one-sided, (except for Green but honestly he’s the most boring character out of a five) and say that you need a rounded characters for a good story, but I disagree. I think you need two sided characters. Rounded characters make the story a little mushy, especially if it’s a short one. I believe in the idea that you need only two or three sides to a character, not a billion.
Here’s an example. I was thinking about a particular scene in this Zelda alternate universe comic that I’m kinda formulating in my head (and that I will never get around to doing) I imagined this scene all the different links from the different games suddenly end up in a Hyrule (their country) that they’ve never seen before, but it actually turns out that it’s the Hyrule from Breath of the Wild, and therefore familiar to Breath of the Wild Link. Now Wild’s personality is kind of one-sided as he is just crazy silly and ‘Wild’ all the time. But he sees his Hyrule and then kind of breaks down, and runs away from the rest of them. Eventually someone finds him and when they try to talk to him they see that he is a completely different person then they’re used to. He’s calm reflective and sad. He says: “you’ve known me as the Wild that’s funny crazy and silly, but I think that’s just a façade. Really I’m scared. Scared of moments like this; moments where I remember who I am. I’m the Hero of the Wild and I really screwed up.” Wild is a two-sided character. He’s generally funny, crazy and will do the weirdest things possible just for the heck of it, but now the audience knows that he can also get quite somber and beat himself up about things that happened in the past. I think those are the most interesting types of characters.

I hope that long rambling rant was of use to anyone. Thank you so much for reading!

Some paragraphs from my book, Grimm Rangers: Fall of Earth:

From Ch 1
“Giantbeamoflightgiantbeamoflightgiantbeamoflight!”Tom screamed, all the while descending the tree he was in.
And now even those on the ground could see a beam of light being shot out from the local lake. It rose above the suburbs, rivaling Old Faithful in height and sheer mass. And then, with no warning whatsoever, it exploded.

From Ch 2
As Mark was thrown onto his back, he wasn’t thinking about God or being mortal or anything like that. He was thinking about Star Wars. He thought about what it would be like on the outside of the Death Star when it was shooting a planet-annihilating laser. Now he didn’t have to wonder. He’d seen a giant beam of energy fire from a lake. In that split second before unconsciousness, he thought ‘Pity no one will ever know what it's like to see it.’

From Ch 6, about the Creation Crystals
“There exists five powerful Crystals known as Creation Crystals. They were created before time. They control Matter, Energy, Space, Calamity and Time.
They are connected in a Creation Loop. This Creation Loop has immense power. A single Creation Crystal could end existence as we know it. All of them together could send a ripple effect throughout the multiverse, causing the very fabric of multiversal reality to rip loose from its universe.
Somehow, a human managed to open a portal to a dimension where your ‘fairy tales’ are true. The villains of that realm have set in motion a process that will ultimately override your reality in favor of theirs. With this world out of the way, they will rule unchallenged, with the combined might of both Creation Loops. The only thing that holds them at bay is the limitations of the Crystals when in other dimensions. With the residual reality from your dimension, they will become cosmic, eternal beings, omnipotent in the world.”

Feedback?

I'm making a Splatoon 2 story named Project 2 posted in 15 episodes on a thread. Have not written anything but have some plans. A mix of action, supernatural, and sci-fi.

First, the main character is GME-2. But that's a handful, so Two will work. Other characters are existing ones. Episodes 5, 10, and 15 are major events.

Ideas:
1. Curing sanitization on -get this- DJ Octavio. That won't backfire at all, will it ;) Sets up Ep 5
2. While we're at it, Ep 5. DJ Octavio, freed, sets up some guitars that metaphorically shreds your brain, leaving you with a good ol' headache that leaves you immobile. Now no one can stop him from getting his wasabi roots on the zapfish of the world. On someone who has an O ink type, however, something strange happens.
3. Finale has the insane AI Tartar come back as a "being in the cloud', physically as a ghostly translucent form.
THIS IS CANCELLED LOL

Oh-Botheration wrote:

I was reading some legend of Zelda manga the other day (manga= Japanese comic books) and I noticed that one story stood out head and shoulders from the rest: Four Swords. And do you wanna know why? Well, at the very beginning of the book link draws the four sword from the pedestal and in doing so, the sword splits him into four differently colored people. Each of these four different links are extrapolated and concentrated bits of his personality. Green is focused and motivated, Blue is hotheaded, angry, and hasty, Red is sweet, innocent and childlike, and Violet is cool, calm and clever. And WOW DOES THIS BOOK TURN PAGES.

Based on the GBA game Four Swords. Never played, but apparently single player sucks and the multiplayer via link cable is better.

Can someone make sure that this makes sense, please?
Hi! I was wondering if anyone could tell me if this makes sense. This is a story that I'm writing makes sense, I'm sorry if it's too long or anything! I really don't mean to come off as somewhat of a choosing beggar by asking of too much, so if it's too much for your taste, then you don't have to read it! Also, if anyone has any tips for describing character's appearances, that would be greatly appreciated! <3
The background you need for this story is that it's an fantasy novel about the group of the Four Branches. These are super powerful humans that have control over the four main elements; water, fire, nature, and wind. In this scene, Annalise (The Forest Branch) is off to get supplies for her camp when she hears a thud in the forest.
(Also Tehen is a made up city )
Again, if you don't want to read, you don't have to! Have a wonderful day!


Suddenly, Annalise felt a gust of wind as water flew away from her,
“Who’s there?!” She shouted, her voice alert as she commanded a vine to wrap around her arm.
A boy suddenly hopped out of the shadows.
Annalise, on instinct, jumped back. She subconsciously tied his hands above his head with branches as she took a better look at him.
He was probably about a year older than her, she figured, looking at the slight scruff of golden facial hair on his chin. His bright blue eyes stared at her in amazement as he shook his fluffy blonde curls away from his face, revealing his elf ears. Oh great, Annalise thought, another elf from Tehen, coming to take my belongings. She pulled at her braids, looking up and down at his navy blue tunic and black pants, searching for weapons.
“Pl-Please don’t hurt me…” The boy squeaked pleadingly.
“Who are you?” Annalise asked, not willing to take any chances.
“I- My- My name’s Dimitri Thorn… I-”
Annalise waved her hand to tell him that it was okay to stop stumbling through his sentences for now, “Alright, Dimitri. Now why are you here?”
“I- I heard a noise, I got scared and all of this water-” Dimitri was cut off yet again.
“Water? Water… That’s fantastic.” The vines that held his wrists let go, and Dimitri slumped down with a sigh of relief.
“You’re the water branch.” She told him.
“Like I didn’t know that.” He shot back.
“Hey!” She scolded, crossing her arms.
“You tied me to a tree.” He rolled his eyes.
Annalise tilted her head back and forth, considering if she should bring him back, of course he was a branch, but was he to be trusted? She didn’t think she had enough room for more people…
“Do you have anything to sleep in, Dimitri?” She asked.
“I got this tent before Tehen was- was ransacked…” He murmured.
“Great. Come with me.” She took his arm, dragging them back to camp.
Dimitri, not wanting to fight with the strong magic forest girl in the middle of the woods, followed along.

CocoMuffy wrote:

Can someone make sure that this makes sense, please?
Hi! I was wondering if anyone could tell me if this makes sense. This is a story that I'm writing makes sense, I'm sorry if it's too long or anything! I really don't mean to come off as somewhat of a choosing beggar by asking of too much, so if it's too much for your taste, then you don't have to read it! Also, if anyone has any tips for describing character's appearances, that would be greatly appreciated! <3
The background you need for this story is that it's an fantasy novel about the group of the Four Branches. These are super powerful humans that have control over the four main elements; water, fire, nature, and wind. In this scene, Annalise (The Forest Branch) is off to get supplies for her camp when she hears a thud in the forest.
(Also Tehen is a made up city )
Again, if you don't want to read, you don't have to! Have a wonderful day!

-snip-

I understood it pretty well! Of course, it will make even more sense in the context of the story, but I think what you have written is clear and easy to figure out what is going on. You're a good writer, I like how you write the action, but also keep the story going with dialogue.

PrincessFlowerTV wrote:

I understood it pretty well! Of course, it will make even more sense in the context of the story, but I think what you have written is clear and easy to figure out what is going on. You're a good writer, I like how you write the action, but also keep the story going with dialogue.

Thank you!

I'm currently writing a fight scene. This is my first time ever doing this. I won't give all the details, because it is quite long (plus I don't want anyone to steal my work lol), but I would like to ask for some advice on a particular portion toward the beginning of it. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated, because I'm relatively new to this.

Tello's eyes kept darting from different parts of the room, to the window behind Serkis; this tempted Serkis to turn and check the window, but he didn't want to show his back to an enemy. So, Serkis kept his hand toward his belt, where his shotgun sat; Tello did something similar, fingers rapidly tapping his own pocket, feet pointed toward the window. Serkis gauged Tello's apparent interest in the window. Without turning his head, Serkis listened to try to determine what was behind him. Besides the panic in the city, Serkis could hear nearby birds, which couldn't mean much.

“Eyes on me, pal.” Serkis stared darkly down Tello's terrible poker face without any wavering. Tello couldn't help but smirk at the remark.

“What…are you?” asked Tello. “Your perception skills are outstanding. They say that the–”

Serkis quickly tried to pull out his gun while Tello was speaking, but Tello beat Serkis to the blow. Quickly, Serkis tried to jump to his right upon hearing a gunshot. However, he felt something hard zoom by his right eye, but was unable to see it. His vision suddenly became narrower as he felt something liquid flow down from his eye to his cheek. Horrid pain – considerably worse than childbearing – flowed through his head; Serkis was horrified upon realizing his own eye was shot.

He knew he had to play it safe. If he lost his other eye, he was entirely out of commission – not just for the battle, but for life. And so Serkis decided to run back to the other side of the doorway, hide behind the wall, and pull out a pair of sunglasses which hung from his belt, in order to cover his wounded eye.

Tello turned on a flashlight and propped it up facing the doorframe, setting it on a table which he stood behind, and turning it on. “So… I'll tell you, I hate crabs. Those little pinchers…well, they caused numbness in my only limb that's still intact. The rest is all bionic.”

Serkis rolled his only remaining eye, which felt strangely unnatural to him. “How does that have to do with–”

“And so crabs are the source of my one phobia. Spiders are feisty and fun beings. Closed spaces are no big deal. Heights boost adrenaline. And darkness…”

Tello shot out the window, and suddenly the room became pitch black. Looking out the window, Serkis realized that Tello had shot a power line, which fell to the ground and killed the birds which sat on it.

“…is my friend.”

Because there was a flashlight shining light through the doorway, Serkis could easily be spotted if he appeared through the doorway. Because Tello was standing somewhere behind the flashlight, he could not be seen in the pitch black room. This meant that Serkis would be unable to shoot Tello if he wanted to.

Even despite the darkness of the room, Serkis still had difficulty seeing due to the new adjustment of having one eye. Serkis had an ace up his sleeve, however. Pulling out his own homemade pepper spray bomb from his belt, Serkis press a button to set it to detonate in five seconds, then quickly threw it through the doorway. Serkis ran as he heard a hissing noise, followed by screeching, similar to that of a banshee.

I'm painfully aware that I made this excerpt very long for you, and I'm sorry for that, but this is the most complicated scene I've ever written so far, and so I wanted to take a portion of it and ask about it here. The portion include everything I think is really iffy that I'm curious about. Again, I would like to apologize for the length of the excerpt.

I would appreciate any help you can give me, because I am relatively new to this.
hope I don't embarrass myself too badly lol

Sliverus wrote:

-Snip-

First of all, glad to see you back on this topic! Here are some things I noticed.

You have a really compelling scene, and it probably makes more sense in the context of the story. It looks like this might be their first time meeting, since you wrote “ ‘What…are you?’ asked Tello. ”, but I'm not sure. (Let me know if I'm off on this, but it seems like they don't know each other very well)
In most stories, the villain most “prove” early on that they are strong and “worthy” to go up against your hero. This will let your readers know that the villain means business and isn't a pesky, insignificant thing you can flick away easily. In this case, you've done a good job of showing the destruction Tello is capable of. Shooting someone's eye is no joke, especially if this is early in the story. (If it is early)

Speaking of which, woah, getting an eye shot? Sounds extremely terrifying. You did a good job when first describing it, but I felt like you forgot how much pain Serkis would likely be in. Most likely, for the rest of the scene he should be fighting through the pain, struggling to see out of his one good eye, and generally barely able to keep things together. So keep that in mind.

(A scene sorta similar(in regard to the eye part) is the movie “The Minority Report”. The hero has to replace his eyes with a surgery in order to not be spotted by eye-scanning deceives. It's a painful, long progress to get them to heal. And at one point, he has to open one of his healing eyes to get is scanned, and he struggled to do it. Although it's not the exact same, eyes are very sensitive, and in general, need lots of recovery time.)

I think you've got a very dangerous villain who will be a good match for your hero. I liked the line “And darkness… is my friend.” Can't wait to see more! Keep it up!
(And just thought I'd say that the “I hate crabs” line has a similar vibe to “I hate sand” lol)

This is a scene from a series I'm writing. It's in an action-comedy genre, and we the reader is meeting Kate Rivers for the first time. Let me know what you think. Is it funny?

The director got up from his long, glass desk as they entered, but David wasn’t looking at him, he was looking at a woman standing nearby.
She had straight, mid-length dirty blond hair and wore a matching tan tweed suit and pencil skirt. Her eyes were small and focused, mouth thin and pressed tight with the maroon lipstick she wore to compliment the blush on her cheeks.

“Mr. B., I would like to introduce you to Miss Kate Rivers.” Said the director, and he lifted his hand in her direction. “She is from a neighboring agency, she was transferred for this specific assignment.”
David never blinked. His eyes bored into hers, and the woman met his gauze. It was intense to witness, but Sara didn’t know any better.
“Good day, Miss Rivers.” She said with a small smile, “How is your health? The weather’s been fine.” Her English accent was obvious.
For the first time, the woman’s eyes moved from David and onto her. Sara felt as though an intense spotlight had suddenly been moved so it shone on her, bright and exposing. But the woman simply said, with a look of kindness but a tone of poison, “you can call me Kate, young lady.”
Director Linus continued as though nothing had happened, “Miss Rivers has a lot of experience in the field, and I figured it would be good to give you someone to work with.”
David looked disgusted. “I don’t want to sound like that one kid who didn’t get the perfect gift on Christmas Day and is complaining, but I work alone, I’m not working with miss ‘Short Skirt, Long Jacket’. No way, no how.”
The director’s eyebrows furrowed. “You can’t expect to only have one partner helping you, especially if he’s not even here. Isn’t Peter Grant a scientist who stays at the lab?”
“Yes, sir.” David sighed. He had fought long and hard to allow Peter to work with him. He was a genius, but the others at the agency didn’t understand how much of an asset he could be.
“And, others at the control center said he had just up and left in the middle of your mission without a trace… Is this true?” The question felt like a set-up, but David knew better than to dance around the truth. Not with his director, who could figure out anything.
“He didn’t respond after some point. I was too busy to know exactly what happened, and when he left exactly.”
“So, if that is the case then, Mr. B,” said Linus, “consider Miss Rivers your new partner.”
There was an unmistakable start of a smile on Kate’s face, but she said nothing. David felt like steam was going to come out of his ears if he didn’t say something.
“You can’t make me do this,” he said, feeling like a corn kernel, about to explode and turn into popcorn. “I fly solo, she’s going to only be a weight.”
“What about that lady you have with you?” Asked Kate, her eyes flitting in Sara’s direction. “Is she also a weight?”
He smiled to introduce her, “Oh, we just met. She needed saving, and I did the heroic thing.” Then he added with a wink, “… And she’s a British chick.”
“A Ladies man, typical.” She scoffed, giving Sara the evil eye, “But wouldn’t that have distracted you on your mission? What if saving her meant that Manhattan got blown up?”
He was getting angry, seeming to not care about arguing in front of the director. “I had time, then I got the bomb taken care of. She could have fallen to her death!”
“So, you’re the type of guy that would do the trolley problem and kill off the five on one track if the one on the other was easy on the eyes?”
David flew into a rage and went to attack Kate, but he was held back by Mr. Linus’s powerful arm as he stood up to stop him.
“Enough, Mr. B!” He exclaimed, like the two of them were naughty children. “If you won’t cooperate, I will give this mission solely to Miss Rivers. And you will be cleaning the windows of this office building until the day you die! Understood?”
“Yes, sir.” He replied, but he scowled at Kate. The thought of working with this perfect little secretary made him mad all over again, but the director had made it clear what would happen if he didn’t play nice.
But he would hate every minute of it.

PrincessFlowerTV wrote:

You have a really compelling scene, and it probably makes more sense in the context of the story. It looks like this might be their first time meeting, since you wrote “ ‘What…are you?’ asked Tello. ”, but I'm not sure. (Let me know if I'm off on this, but it seems like they don't know each other very well)

That's correct. I won't bog you down with all the details, but basically Tello is a serial killer and quickly became infamous. Serkis was hunting down Tello, but neither of them had met before this scene.

PrincessFlowerTV wrote:

In most stories, the villain most “prove” early on that they are strong and “worthy” to go up against your hero. This will let your readers know that the villain means business and isn't a pesky, insignificant thing you can flick away easily. In this case, you've done a good job of showing the destruction Tello is capable of. Shooting someone's eye is no joke, especially if this is early in the story. (If it is early)

Well actually, this isn't early on in the story. It's the final battle. In the first scene of the story I am making, Tello actually blows up an entire town hall. He does and says many bizarre and unexpected things throughout the story – which is what I'm trying to go for. Thank you for your compliment

PrincessFlowerTV wrote:

Speaking of which, woah, getting an eye shot? Sounds extremely terrifying. You did a good job when first describing it, but I felt like you forgot how much pain Serkis would likely be in. Most likely, for the rest of the scene he should be fighting through the pain, struggling to see out of his one good eye, and generally barely able to keep things together. So keep that in mind.

(A scene sorta similar(in regard to the eye part) is the movie “The Minority Report”. The hero has to replace his eyes with a surgery in order to not be spotted by eye-scanning deceives. It's a painful, long progress to get them to heal. And at one point, he has to open one of his healing eyes to get is scanned, and he struggled to do it. Although it's not the exact same, eyes are very sensitive, and in general, need lots of recovery time.)

Thanks for the feedback. I will try to expand on his pain throughout the fight as I revise the scene later on.

Which, by the way, that really helps more than you realize, because there's a part later on in the fight where he ends up breaking his leg as well. You're being a great help to me

PrincessFlowerTV wrote:

I think you've got a very dangerous villain who will be a good match for your hero. I liked the line “And darkness… is my friend.” Can't wait to see more! Keep it up!
(And just thought I'd say that the “I hate crabs” line has a similar vibe to “I hate sand” lol)

Thanks about the darkness is my friend thing – can you believe that line is based off of The Sound of Silence? ☠️
(Lol)