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TheRealNetherBefore
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1000+ posts

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Tip of the day
Different styles of story have different realms of plausibility- stuff that the audience might just accept in certain types of story would confuse and annoy them in other types. A basic guideline goes something like this:
Stories based in our world (dramas, crime stories, some horror) cannot do things that aren't plausible in our current understanding of the world.
Stories that are semi-based in reality (near-future speculation, urban fantasy, most horror) Can get away with one fantastical element.
Science-fiction and similar genres can have a lot of implausibility as long as it's explained to some degree (e.g: this character can sense other people as their pheromone receptors have been heavily modified and enhanced)
High fantasy and similar genres can have a lot of implausibility and don't really need to explain it much (e.g: this character can sens other people because he has sensing magic)

*Drinks ketchup*
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TheEnderQueen
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500+ posts

Writing Advice and Tips

hEy can you critique this? a friend told me that when you're stuck and somebody critiques you, it helps :p

TheRealNetherBefore
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Writing Advice and Tips

TheEnderQueen wrote:

hEy can you critique this? a friend told me that when you're stuck and somebody critiques you, it helps :p
Hmm, this is definitely an interesting story, and I certainly want to see more of it in the future. You have a good grasp of flow and dialogue.
Firstly, I'm assuming this is mostly due to this extract not being the start of the story and this story being set in a very different world from ours but it was quite hard to understand all the different things- I don't think you need to worry about this as I've likely started in the middle and not at whatever point you properly described them in, but if you use this same level of explanation from the start then you might want to work on that.
Secondly, I feel you could do with more descriptions. For example, when the characters arrived at the airport in Shilnimg, you could've maybe had a paragraph describing how the airport looks, how busy it is and how much security there is.
Finally, I know this is a very standard English class style critique, but you could use a wider variety of techniques- PVA, similes, metaphors, semantic fields.. while I will admit that they can sometimes come off as gimmicky if not used well, they can often bring a bit more life into the sentences and engage the reader.

*Drinks ketchup*
there is no ethical consumption under capitalism my dudes
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PrincessPandaLover
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1000+ posts

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The Missing Chao chapters (for critique)
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3

(Please avoid the spelling and grammar errors)


(REST IN PEACE, TINYPIC (2004-19))






Hmmm…
TheRealNetherBefore
Scratcher
1000+ posts

Writing Advice and Tips

PrincessPandaLover wrote:

The Missing Chao chapters (for critique)
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3

(Please avoid the spelling and grammar errors)
Overall I'd say that you have a very clear visual for your story and the events occurring, which is your main strong-point. However there were a couple of little issues.
Firstly, you have quite a mismatched sense of your target audience- It's unclear is you want the story to be understandable without sonic knowledge or not. This is because you have moments where characters explain things anyone who cares about sonic would already know while at the same time having moments where less well known sonic facts aren't explained. The best example of this is the start of the first chapter where you describe Cream to the audience as if they wouldn't know her then expect them to already know who Cheese is.
The scene in the second chapter where the characters talked about their romantic pairings (and other stuff) felt very unnatural as it was heavily off-topic and out of character for a lot of the people involved- could you imagine you and your friends having a conversation like that, or would it seem forced and creepy?
You do this thing where you use {adjective}{animal name}, often in the form of a metaphor. It feels a lot like something someone told you was a good thing to use rather than something you learnt yourself, and it often distracts rather than describes. “Floee was an energetic goat” could easily be replaced with “Floee was overjoyed” or if you feel like doing a bit more showing, “Floee pranced about on the spot as a huge grin crept across her face” or something along those lines would work better.
There's also a lot of fourth-wall breaking by everyone to the point where it distracts from the narrative. Fourth wall breaks are best used sparingly and with consideration as, despite popular beliefs, they are not jokes on their own- they're typically used to enhance jokes. Having a bunch of characters consecutively break the fourth wall without there being any real gag just takes up space that could've been used to have some interesting dialogue.

*Drinks ketchup*
there is no ethical consumption under capitalism my dudes
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TheEnderQueen
Scratcher
500+ posts

Writing Advice and Tips

TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

Hmm, this is definitely an interesting story, and I certainly want to see more of it in the future. You have a good grasp of flow and dialogue.
Firstly, I'm assuming this is mostly due to this extract not being the start of the story and this story being set in a very different world from ours but it was quite hard to understand all the different things- I don't think you need to worry about this as I've likely started in the middle and not at whatever point you properly described them in, but if you use this same level of explanation from the start then you might want to work on that.
Secondly, I feel you could do with more descriptions. For example, when the characters arrived at the airport in Shilnimg, you could've maybe had a paragraph describing how the airport looks, how busy it is and how much security there is.
Finally, I know this is a very standard English class style critique, but you could use a wider variety of techniques- PVA, similes, metaphors, semantic fields.. while I will admit that they can sometimes come off as gimmicky if not used well, they can often bring a bit more life into the sentences and engage the reader.

oh thanks :p. im hoping that my explanations are that good in the beginning haha, it's hard to realize that readers don't have complete knowledge of the world that i've created lol. oh i see that now, and yeah, i don't use figurative language that often lol. ill add that on my list of things to look for while editing it in the future- thanks tho!

TheRealNetherBefore
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1000+ posts

Writing Advice and Tips

TheEnderQueen wrote:

oh thanks :p. im hoping that my explanations are that good in the beginning haha, it's hard to realize that readers don't have complete knowledge of the world that i've created lol. oh i see that now, and yeah, i don't use figurative language that often lol. ill add that on my list of things to look for while editing it in the future- thanks tho!
You're welcome! let me know if you want any more analysis.

*Drinks ketchup*
there is no ethical consumption under capitalism my dudes
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PrincessPandaLover
Scratcher
1000+ posts

Writing Advice and Tips

TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

PrincessPandaLover wrote:

The Missing Chao chapters (for critique)
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3

(Please avoid the spelling and grammar errors)
Overall I'd say that you have a very clear visual for your story and the events occurring, which is your main strong-point. However there were a couple of little issues.
Firstly, you have quite a mismatched sense of your target audience- It's unclear is you want the story to be understandable without sonic knowledge or not. This is because you have moments where characters explain things anyone who cares about sonic would already know while at the same time having moments where less well known sonic facts aren't explained. The best example of this is the start of the first chapter where you describe Cream to the audience as if they wouldn't know her then expect them to already know who Cheese is.
The scene in the second chapter where the characters talked about their romantic pairings (and other stuff) felt very unnatural as it was heavily off-topic and out of character for a lot of the people involved- could you imagine you and your friends having a conversation like that, or would it seem forced and creepy?
You do this thing where you use {adjective}{animal name}, often in the form of a metaphor. It feels a lot like something someone told you was a good thing to use rather than something you learnt yourself, and it often distracts rather than describes. “Floee was an energetic goat” could easily be replaced with “Floee was overjoyed” or if you feel like doing a bit more showing, “Floee pranced about on the spot as a huge grin crept across her face” or something along those lines would work better.
There's also a lot of fourth-wall breaking by everyone to the point where it distracts from the narrative. Fourth wall breaks are best used sparingly and with consideration as, despite popular beliefs, they are not jokes on their own- they're typically used to enhance jokes. Having a bunch of characters consecutively break the fourth wall without there being any real gag just takes up space that could've been used to have some interesting dialogue.
Wow, being a writer is harder than I thought.

Better go rewrite the story.


(REST IN PEACE, TINYPIC (2004-19))






Hmmm…
PrincessPandaLover
Scratcher
1000+ posts

Writing Advice and Tips

More “The Missing Chao” Chapters

Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10

(Some parts of some chapters were originally from previous chapters, but merged in due to character limit.)
(Pastebin only allows 10 pastes per 24 hours for guests.)

Last edited by PrincessPandaLover (April 4, 2018 17:01:20)



(REST IN PEACE, TINYPIC (2004-19))






Hmmm…
SonicMasterSystem
Scratcher
1000+ posts

Writing Advice and Tips

PrincessPandaLover wrote:

More “The Missing Chao” Chapters

Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10

(Some parts of some chapters were originally from previous chapters, but merged in due to character limit.)
(Pastebin only allows 10 pastes per 24 hours for guests.)
Please don't advertise…

“If the world chooses to become my enemy, I will fight like I always have!” - Shadow the Hedgehog
“The root of all of our problems… Solaris…” - Shadow the Hedgehog
“This is the end of you, and the end of my cursed past!” - Shadow the Hedgehog

PrincessPandaLover
Scratcher
1000+ posts

Writing Advice and Tips

SonicMasterSystem wrote:

PrincessPandaLover wrote:

More “The Missing Chao” Chapters

Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10

(Some parts of some chapters were originally from previous chapters, but merged in due to character limit.)
(Pastebin only allows 10 pastes per 24 hours for guests.)
Please don't advertise…
They're for TheRealNetherBefore to review and criticze.


(REST IN PEACE, TINYPIC (2004-19))






Hmmm…
TheRealNetherBefore
Scratcher
1000+ posts

Writing Advice and Tips

PrincessPandaLover wrote:

More “The Missing Chao” Chapters
-snip-'
I've had a read-through and I don't really have much else to say as I've already covered it in the other analysis, so I've mostly just gone through and picked out a few specific quotes to give pointers on.
“AMY WAS GRASPING A VERY LONG LIST SO LONG THAT IT COULD CIRCLE AROUND THE EARTH”- Full caps should generally be used sparingly and kept mostly to dialogue or words written in caps on a book/sign/etc. I understand the effect you were trying to go for here but I think the scene could have been better executed as something like this:
The team charged into the room, smirking gleefully. Shadow stopped near the front of the group and began to speak.
“Hey guys, you won't believe how much we-”
Team emerald froze on the spot. They couldn't believe the sight in front of them. They thought Team Ring would be gaping in awe at the sheer site of their list. They thought wrong.
“HOW DARE YOU SURPASS US!” Shadow shrieked.
“smirked in a pile of disgust.”- I assume by this you were describing a pained/uncomfortable smile? This isn't conveyed very well due to smirk usually referring to a cocky grin, plus it conflicts with the phrase “pile of disgust” which sounds a lot more submissive due to the word pile. These verbs could be used to replace the whole phrase: winced, cringed, gave a pained/unsettled/uneasy/strained/etc smile.
"Tails inferred"- Inferred is a very formal verb and doesn't fit with the rest of the tone, plus anyone who knows what it means already knows that he inferred as that's what he literally just did: it's kind of the same as saying “Tails decided” after Tails said a decision or “Tails remembered” after Tails recalled a memory.
“after digging for a while since foxes were born with the habit to dig”- This is just kind of a “show, don't tell” moment. Just have her dig frequently enough throughout the narrative that the audience will understand it's a habit rather than just telling us she has this habit in one scene and not really backing it up (unless you have her digging more throughout the story, then ignore the “not backing it up” bit)
"the dank space. (“Dank” here refers to its true definition.)“- It's best to leave ”author's notes“ type stuff prefacing or postfacing the chapter otherwise it disrupts the flow.
”It can't be Maria since she's dead.“- Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't her death an integral part of shadow's life that really affected him? Regardless of whether I know my sonic knowledge or not, people don't really tend to make offhand almost jokey comments about the deaths of people close to them and this is the only real instance of this kind of dark humour in the story so far so it sticks out.
”and clogged everyone's sight in beauty and passion“- This is a semantic field mistake. in the rest of this line you're using very positive, romantic language; clogged is a very disgusting verb. If you were doing this kind of contrasting to build a specific kind of atmosphere it would be ok, but I don't think you were trying to go for that here.
”Not too soon, baboon!"- it's not this quote itself that's the problem, it's just that the lack of dialogue tags in a scene with multiple people makes it very unclear who said it.

*Drinks ketchup*
there is no ethical consumption under capitalism my dudes
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TheRealNetherBefore
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1000+ posts

Writing Advice and Tips

Tip of the day
When we think of “show, don't tell” we often jump automatically to thinking of large amounts of exposition, but this rule comes in more forms than that, some of which are more common than you assume.
The first one of these is what I call “superficial character writing”. By this I don't mean making all your characters attractive and cool (though that is a problem in itself), I mean giving your characters hobbies, habits and similar things that are only there for show. For example, Suzy tells the reader ought-right that she loves to read and enjoys sci-fi in the intro part of the story and it's never really brought up again unless she's discussing how much she likes reading with another character- this is superficial character writing. To avoid this, use descriptions to let the audience know about character hobbies and habits (e.g: “at the end of my bed was my prized book collection, overflowing the tiny bookshelf I crammed it into”, “Mel cracked her knuckles methodically”) and remember to actually use them in your writing.
The second one of these is generally a bit more subtle and comes in the form of your everyday descriptions. Have you ever written that a character felt faint, hungry or tired? Have you ever had a character drink their coffee nervously or pause in fear? You've told the audience how a character feels rather than shown. While the audience can usually fill in for these and they're not really noticeable, your writing can become a lot more dynamic if you choose to describe those feelings rather than just telling the audience them. For example, “his stomach growled” is a lot more engaging and descriptive than “he was hungry” and “he took a small sip of the coffee and swallowed, hoping the heat would relax his shaking form” really gives us a much clearer Idea of how the character's feeling than “he sipped his coffee nervously” ever will.

*Drinks ketchup*
there is no ethical consumption under capitalism my dudes
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TheRealNetherBefore
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1000+ posts

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Tip of the day
One sentence paragraphs are an often completely overlooked literary tool, which is a shame as they can be amazingly impacting/comedic if done well. I find they're best kept short and confined to one line as it gives them a stronger impact. Don't forget you can use them as questions, too.

*Drinks ketchup*
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TheEnderQueen
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500+ posts

Writing Advice and Tips

TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

Tip of the day
One sentence paragraphs are an often completely overlooked literary tool, which is a shame as they can be amazingly impacting/comedic if done well. I find they're best kept short and confined to one line as it gives them a stronger impact. Don't forget you can use them as questions, too.

ahA i use one sentence paragraphs waAAAy too often it's not even funny

TheRealNetherBefore
Scratcher
1000+ posts

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TheEnderQueen wrote:

TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

Tip of the day
One sentence paragraphs are an often completely overlooked literary tool, which is a shame as they can be amazingly impacting/comedic if done well. I find they're best kept short and confined to one line as it gives them a stronger impact. Don't forget you can use them as questions, too.

ahA i use one sentence paragraphs waAAAy too often it's not even funny
Well, my response really depends on how much you actually use them tbh. It's good to use them often but if it's pretty much every paragraph you might be overdoing it and they could lose their effect in your stories.

*Drinks ketchup*
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TheEnderQueen
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Writing Advice and Tips

TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

Well, my response really depends on how much you actually use them tbh. It's good to use them often but if it's pretty much every paragraph you might be overdoing it and they could lose their effect in your stories.
sometimes i use them in a row… i think my high score was 4 one sentence paragraphs in a row haha.

TheRealNetherBefore
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TheEnderQueen wrote:

TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

Well, my response really depends on how much you actually use them tbh. It's good to use them often but if it's pretty much every paragraph you might be overdoing it and they could lose their effect in your stories.
sometimes i use them in a row… i think my high score was 4 one sentence paragraphs in a row haha.
It's probably ok tbh, they're weirdly versatile techniques that only really become a problem if you write more sentences in them than in all your paragraphs.

*Drinks ketchup*
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TheEnderQueen
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Writing Advice and Tips

TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

It's probably ok tbh, they're weirdly versatile techniques that only really become a problem if you write more sentences in them than in all your paragraphs.

oh rlly? my friend was complaining about how i use them too much lol. ill probs still edit down quite a few, but thanks for the advice ;p

TheRealNetherBefore
Scratcher
1000+ posts

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TheEnderQueen wrote:

TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

It's probably ok tbh, they're weirdly versatile techniques that only really become a problem if you write more sentences in them than in all your paragraphs.

oh rlly? my friend was complaining about how i use them too much lol. ill probs still edit down quite a few, but thanks for the advice ;p
Well, if it's something you rely on a bit too much as a writer then it might be worth challenging yourself to write a short story or chapter without any.

*Drinks ketchup*
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