Super_Scratch_Bros20 wrote:

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Super_Scratch_Bros20 wrote:

Super_Scratch_Bros20 wrote:

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Ditto. When is anyone going to give feedback for my story?

The-Book-Worm wrote:

I've been busy leading a cabin for writing camp and I'm on vacation

Guess the other people also don't have time right now

Super_Scratch_Bros20 wrote:

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Super_Scratch_Bros20 wrote:

The-Book-Worm wrote:

I've been busy leading a cabin for writing camp and I'm on vacation

Guess the other people also don't have time right now

Don't blame you; it's a bit long. In case you haven't noticed it, I've been giving it a new chapter each day, only making it longer and longer.

The-Book-Worm wrote:

Oh great xd

Super_Scratch_Bros20 wrote:

The-Book-Worm wrote:

Oh great xd

Oh, yeah, I'd better get to work on Chapter 4…

The-Book-Worm wrote:

that totally wasn't sarcastic

Super_Scratch_Bros20 wrote:

Oh, yeah, I'd better get to work on Chapter 4…

Super_Scratch_Bros20 wrote:

Chapter 1: Genesis of Greatness

Carnage, a tyrant, an excellent swordsman, feared among all people, has conquered lands and lands. Never has he lost a duel from age 15. His rule was very cruel, but few dared to stop him.

A rebellion was created, known as the Renewal. They exist with excellent swordfighters and strong warriors in hopes of defeating Carnage. However, no abilities can surpass Haro Green and Sam Locket, members of the Renewal.

Haro Green is a sixty-two year-old man with a checkered past. He has dreamt of reunion with his father and mother after they disappeared.

Sam Locket is a reckless fighter, but has intriguing strategy. He is a close friend to Haro, although Sam is merely twenty-three.

Once the Renewal formed a great strategy in battle, they sailed the seas to find Carnage. Their ship, the Iron Monarch, could zoom across the seas at an unimaginable speed. They sailed and sailed for many long days and nights, and Sam was bored out of his mind. “What's even the point of sailing when you can fly?” he asked impatiently.

Haro turned to him. “They expect us to fly,” he stated. “Carnage is the king of the skies. We cannot penetrate the firepower of his airship. Plus, the element of surprise is quite vital. They are somewhere in Tryx, Egypt. That's doable.”

Immediately, a bronze vessel headed their way. A fisherman named Kajectus was standing on the bow of the Iron Monarch. “Spoiled!” he exclaimed. “A ship made of valuable riches is a waste! Go back to stripping logs for vessels!”

Angered, the captain sailed toward and boarded the ship. He drew a blade and pointed it toward him, saying, “You bite your tongue!”

“I'm sorry,” Kajectus said. “You are a very kind man.” Kajectus panted heavily as the captain slowly moved the blade away from him. Kajectus ran away, traumatized.

“And just who are all of you?” the captain asked.

Sam said with courage, “We live to make sure Carnage does not.”

“Intriguing…” the captain said. “You can call me Webster. Care to chat in my hearty ship?”

Sam and Haro entered the ship. Haro noticed a woman in chains with gray hair, along with many others. This woman was important to him, however. Her name was Amanda Green, his mother. “Why is my mother in chains?!” Haro asked, angered.

“She's my slave,” Webster said. “Bought her at an auction years ago. A slave for as long as I live.”

Haro was infuriated. His mother should not be used as a tool. He kept his anger to himself, as he didn't want to cause any trouble. They walked to a table in the ship. As they sat down, Webster said, “I've been wanting to destroy Carnage for quite a while. I feel as though you may slow me down, though. I'd like to see you prove yourselves to me.”

Sam said, “We are masters of the blade. Proof enough?”

“I'll believe it when I see it,” Webster said. “There's something else, though. I have a legacy to uphold. I'm a great fighter as well. In my adventures, I found a clock. Linked to it, it will control my time alive. It continually runs, just like a normal clock. However, it runs slowly for the course of many years. If the hands reach 12:00, I die. I can get younger by turning the hands of the clock backward. I lost it on the ship. If you can find it, you'll be greatly rewarded.”

Sam said, “I'm on it!” He and Haro left the room. They searched continuously. Haro was more frustrated than a bull that got whipped. Seeing his mother in chains…

“Found it!” Sam exclaimed, picking up the clock from under a rug. “Now, we can just return it to Webster, and the reward will be great!”

“Hold on,” Haro said, drawing his blade. “My mother is a slave as long as Webster lives, right? So-”

“Don't forget that Webster has a fighting legacy,” Sam interrupted. “If we prove ourselves to him, he could help us win the war!”

Haro could not believe that Sam is more concerned about the war than the well-being of his family. “Sam, you fool! Are you going to let my mother stay a slave?!”

“What about the war?” Sam said. “We have more important matters on our hands.”

“Enough!” Haro yelled. “If you won't hand over the clock, I'll take it from you!”

Blades clashed. Sam and Haro were good friends, but their differing perspectives led them to fight. The clock fell from Sam's hand, but they didn't notice. Swords swung and clashed, forsaking the fallen clock.

“Well done,” a silhouette from a dark corner of the room congratulated. He walked into the light. He was Webster. “The Clock of Life and Death is in my possession…yet you seek my demise. Thus, your prize is…”

Webster struck Haro in the shoulder. Wounded, Haro fell on his knees. "And now for your demise,“ Webster said, raising his sword above his head.

Sam fought against his intellect. Surely, winning the war will bring peace…but what about peace with his friend? Was it worth losing the life of his friend? Sam grabbed Webster and threw him overboard. ”He may be a talented warrior,“ Sam said, ”but it's not worth losing you." Chuckling, Haro shook Sam's hand. They boarded the Iron Monarch, and ahead of them lies Tryx, Egypt, home to Carnage.

I'm only looking at/giving feedback on the first chapter because I have neither the time nor the patience to go through it all. I blame it on my short attention span. I understand this is the oldest chapter you have written and you may have improved since then, but regardless, I will still be giving feedback on this one since the beginning of a story is often the most important.

“Johnny was a great swordsman and hasn't lost since he was 15.”

“Johnny wiped the sweat off his forehand with the back of his hand before lunging forward to take on his opponent, his movements already committed to muscle memory after years of practice. Gritting his teeth, he continued his advance, determined not to lose this duel. He hasn't lost one since he was 15, and he didn't intend to now.”

Johnny said “___”
Bobby said “____”
Johnny said “___”
Lisa said “___”

Johnny rolled his eyes. “Have you met anyone this ignorant?”

scratch3602 wrote:

A quiet breeze rushed over a 16 year-old boy, ruffling his golden hair. He continued skipping, smiling. “Hmm, hmm, hmmm . . .” he hummed as he skipped towards his house. When he got in, his mother had dinner splayed on the table. She turned to him, and grabbed his shoulder gently. “Logan, you're home! How was school?” Logan looked up at his mother and smiled, bouncing, showing her the report card, which read:

Report Card
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Math: A-
Science: B-
Gym: A-
Art: A+
History: C+

His mother grinned. “You did perfect!” she continued holding his shoulder, before standing up. “Alrighty, want some dinner?” Logan nodded, running to a chair, and sitting down. His mother cut him a piece of the large turkey, and handed it to him. He smiled. “Thanks Mum!” she sat down, and called, “Pete! Dinner's ready, come get some!” Logan's father walked in, holding a laptop and smiling, sitting next to his son and ruffling his hair more. “Daddy! Stop!” His dad stopped, and smiled, grabbing his own turkey. They all began eating, before Mom showed Dad Logan's report card. He grinned. “Good job, sport.” They continued chatting, smiling as they did so. When dinner was over, his parent's wished him good dreams and sent him to bed. He changed into his pajamas, and lay down in his bed. He looked up at the roof, seeing the small drawings he had hung up. He drifted into a deep sleep, and dreamt of being with the art.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Logan woke up. It was about 8:25, Saturday morning. He enjoyed Saturdays! That meant no school, no bullying for his ADHD or Tourettes, and just being HAPPY! He jumped from his bed and changed into his normal clothes, and ran downstairs, seeing his parents watching The Lone Ranger, which they seemed to enjoy. “Mom! Dad! It's Saturday! Think we can grab ice-cream today?” he leaned on the couch. His mother looked at him and stroked his hair. “Yes, after this. Is that okay, Pete?” His father nodded and grinned. Logan began hopping around happily. He sat down by the door and waited.

After another fifteen minutes, his parents walked over. “Alrighty, let's go!” his mother responded happily. Logan jolted up and opened the door, grinning widely as they walked out into the soft sunlight. As they walked down the street, people stared. Logan didn't care! He was living his best life, and they wanted to destroy that? Well, they were the ones missing out. When they got to the parlor, they walked in, and the man knew them.

It was Uncle Christopher, who wasn't really his uncle, but close enough. “Uncle Chris!” shouted Logan, standing in front of the bar where it was served. Uncle Chris smiled, and looked at them. “Alright, what'll it be this fine morning?” Logan looked at the flavours, and saw a flavour called “Mint Chocolate Swirl”. He liked the idea of that. “Can I try that?” he asked, to which his mother nodded and asked. Uncle Chris scooped it, and put it in a small bowl, and handed it to Logan. He grinned, and Uncle Chris asked his parents what flavours they'd like. “None.” they replied. He smiled at them, and asked for two dollars, which they handed to him.

They walked home, and Logan ate his delicious ice-cream. When they arrived, he had run out, which made him a bit sad, but whatever! He ran into the house and grabbed the remote. He wanted to watch Fraggle Rock, which his parents enjoyed (or seemed too). Mom and Dad sat down at the dinner table, and looked as he turned it on.


can you critique this?

It was Uncle Christopher, who wasn't really his uncle, but close enough.
“Uncle Chris!” shouted Logan, standing in front of the bar where it was served.
Uncle Chris smiled, and looked at them. “Alright, what'll it be this fine morning?”
Logan looked at the flavours, and saw a flavour called “Mint Chocolate Swirl”. He liked the idea of that.
“Can I try that?” he asked, to which his mother nodded and asked.
Uncle Chris scooped it, and put it in a small bowl, and handed it to Logan. He grinned, and Uncle Chris asked his parents what flavours they'd like.
“None.” they replied.
He smiled at them, and asked for two dollars, which they handed to him.

Super_Scratch_Bros20 wrote:

Super_Scratch_Bros20 wrote:

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Ditto. When is anyone going to give feedback for my story?

Viiceroy wrote:

[I didn't read the entire thing, but as for quick fixes I noticed there's a lot of info dump, and your tense skips around a lot

Super_Scratch_Bros20 wrote:

Viiceroy wrote:

[I didn't read the entire thing, but as for quick fixes I noticed there's a lot of info dump, and your tense skips around a lot

Yes, @The-Book-Worm has already stated this. I'm working on editing it at the moment; be patient.

Super_Scratch_Bros20 wrote:

Viiceroy wrote:

[I didn't read the entire thing, but as for quick fixes I noticed there's a lot of info dump, and your tense skips around a lot

Yes, @The-Book-Worm has already stated this. I'm working on editing it at the moment; be patient.

The-Book-Worm wrote:

I'm only looking at/giving feedback on the first chapter because I have neither the time nor the patience to go through it all. I blame it on my short attention span. I understand this is the oldest chapter you have written and you may have improved since then, but regardless, I will still be giving feedback on this one since the beginning of a story is often the most important.

We've talked about information dumping at the start of a chapter before as well as not giving to little information that leaves the reader confused and disoriented. From the first few paragraphs, all I see are statements about the characters. There are two main problems with the start in my opinion. One, you're giving us the names of what? Five to seven characters? You need to think about the readers here. You may know all your characters, but this is the first time the reader is seeing their names. If you do something like what you did at the start, the readers will struggle not only with remembering the names, but they will also find it almost impossible to remember the information you gave them at the start that went with the names. How are they supposed to remember that ___ was an incredible swordsman and ____ lost his parents and dreams about them? You're not bad at using unique words to describe the characters, so that's really good and makes it more interesting to read, but you're expecting the reader to just read all this information and retain it. You need to gradually introduce it to them. Second, the other problem is the fact that this is showing, not telling. Now I know a lot of people use this, my professional editor told me this about my old writing, and I've given this advice to so many scratchers. It's one of the hardest things to grasp as a young writer. Yes, it's more direct and easier to just say

“Johnny was a great swordsman and hasn't lost since he was 15.”

But it's far more interesting for the reader to see something like

“Johnny wiped the sweat off his forehand with the back of his hand before lunging forward to take on his opponent, his movements already committed to muscle memory after years of practice. Gritting his teeth, he continued his advance, determined not to lose this duel. He hasn't lost one since he was 15, and he didn't intend to now.”

Now granted, the second one is a lot longer, but that is one of the reasons the reader will find it more intriguing. You put more time into writing, and therefore, reading it should be more enjoyable. In addition, it's a mixture of showing and telling. Johnny isn't just a flat character here. He's actively doing something - sword fighting at that - and the reader will be much more interested in seeing that than just being told it. No matter how many great adjectives you use to describe your character, showing will always trump telling.
Also, let's talk about the paragraphs and how they are split up. I understand you want to separate thoughts which is completely fine, that's how you're supposed to use an enter, but it's to the point where the reader is looking at it and thinking, okay information about this, then information about that. You want your paragraphs to flow into the next and not be completely unattached. Two sentences do not make a paragraph (unless it is dialogue), and this will be fixed if you show rather than tell because inherently, showing takes more sentences and words than telling does.

Moving on from the start, there are a few improvements you could make to your dialogue. Currently, everything seems fast-paced and without too much context. When starting a story, you not only want to provide details on the settings the characters are in, but you also want to make the starting dialogue easy to understand while still being interesting. One of the main problems is we have no idea who these characters are and how they usually act. Throwing us into a tense situation is fine, but make sure it's clear what is happening. We need context. Sometimes writers fall into to the habit of face-paced dialogue. I found myself doing this when I started the second book of my series, but I realized that I can't just expect the readers to understand what the characters are saying. Leaving things vague may seem like a good idea, but it can make the readers lose interest in the story and feel a disconnect from the characters. You want to find a balance between the amount of dialogue and the number of descriptions of the surroundings and actions of the character.

Finally, one thing that kills interesting dialogue is the word said. I've seen so many things that say “said is dead”. People are sick and tired of seeing:

Johnny said “___”
Bobby said “____”
Johnny said “___”
Lisa said “___”

How did your characters say it? You don't even need to say that the person is speaking. You can do something as simple as this:

Johnny rolled his eyes. “Have you met anyone this ignorant?”

We know who is saying this because it's all on the same line.
Here's a great resource for other ways to say said such as exclaimed, asked, answered, responded, etc. https://www.teachthought.com/literacy/600-other-ways-to-say-common-things-improving-student-vocabulary/

My feedback may seem more critical, but that's not because your story isn't good. It's because one, you seem to be very self-assured in your writing (which is good. Always be confident in you) so I figured you could handle more negative feedback without feeling like your writing was trash because that's not true for anyone on this forum, and two, a lot of the things I pointed out are things I have experience with so I'm able to provide more in-depth feedback.

Again, I'm no expert. I'm completely open to sharing my writing if any of you would like to see it. I'm definitely not the best person out there to be giving advice. I'm barely older than most of you if that, but I hope some of this helps.

As I've already stated, I'm working on updating my original post; please be patient if you wish to see the results.

Understood! It did seem critical, but I am willing to put up with it.

Then, my ego has sometimes seemed to claim me…