cheese-duck wrote:

well not all of us are uhh
born with a natural gift?
you did come across a bit arrogant, but that's ok, you're not rude or anything B^)
we're just here to help each other out with writing, because though it's subjective, as princessflower said, there's room for improvement.

Leo saw Bob when he was mowing the lawn.

bob went to the store. he saw him and fought him. he won. the end

Super_Scratch_Bros20 wrote:

I suppose the best I can say for now is perspective. Many users have a hard time grasping the gravity of a situation if the wording is quite ambiguous. For example:

Leo saw Bob when he was mowing the lawn.

-snip-

I agree that setting is important, You want to find a balance between telling the readers enough so they aren't confused, but also leaving some things in the dark so you can reveal them later.

I find with younger writers (and I'm not saying this is any of you. I just have edited a lot of stories on scratch, and scratch is, after all, a kid's coding website.) that showing and describing the setting and the world is the hardest part and takes the most time to develop.

But that being said, each writer has their own style. There is no right or wrong style, and you could explain everything through dialogue and the character's actions.

Also, generally (unless you're reading older books like Understood Besty) when a new speaker talks, it's in a new paragraph to avoid confusion. I think that might clear up a bit of the who is talking when.

and everyone on this website is still learning, so we're no expects or anything

Super_Scratch_Bros20 wrote:

I agree that setting is important, You want to find a balance between telling the readers enough so they aren't confused, but also leaving some things in the dark so you can reveal them later.

Absolutely. How many stories would you have ever read that have everything shoved down in your throat at the beginning?

The-Book-Worm wrote:

If you feel like you have a good grasp on describing the setting without showing too much at the start but enough to interest the readers, why don't you share an exert of your writing? That way we can see one way someone would go about writing the start of a book. Plus we could also provide feedback if anything is confusing.

Super_Scratch_Bros20 wrote:

Unfortunately, all of the books I started on making were abandoned a while ago, and those were pretty subjective. Right now, I'm meddling more with poetry, which is a story to one sense, but not exactly what you're referring to.

Date: 2001
It started last spring. Aunt Jenny, who’s famous for telling exaggerated stories, stood in front of the family, as she told the story of her expedition to find vintage photos for a project. She had gone to the attic, where she guessed they were stored, and apparently, she was unable to retrieve the albums because she was beat over the head with a candlestick, dragged out into the hallway, and left there. She had nightmares for weeks afterwards. Of course, no one had believed her.
She was told by Uncle Gary, who was a psychiatrist, that she would get the family rate. He said he could easily walk through it to get over the hallucination. But Jenny insisted it was nothing of the sort.
The family mostly forgot about it afterwards, and so did I.

PrincessFlowerTV wrote:

Ahh, I can relate.
Maybe if there is an snippet from one of your books that can be used out of context? I'm honestly curious to see some of your writing.

-The Shadows Loom-

The shadows loom amid the night
Luminating no sign of light
And behold the visage of the sky
The same time of each lullaby

The time most repose awhile
A tactic practiced by the vile
The time when everything is obscure
When patience is the only cure

A time when all noises are quelled
A time when great volume is expelled
Composed and gentle is the night
When only shadows remain in sight

Indeed, composed is the night
Yet it will build up fright
Myths of undead taunts and scorning
Yet it only tarries until the morning

A tactic, a silent event, a time to recharge
Night is an art used by numbers large
Although twilight lacks its light
Why illumination at night

While there is nothing to see
There are many reveries
The dark is replenishing; take flight
The shadows loom amid the night

When all things are in closure
With nothing bright, there is no exposure
Your persona is concealed
Without the light, none is revealed

The visage of the sky is not to be disregarded
The stars create beauty nondiscarded
Such magnificence all in sight
When shadows loom amid the night

Like the shadow that falls over the world at night, the sound of a carriage pressing hard up the gravel road that led to our estate brought darkness to my world. I fell into my father’s arms one last time, eyes blurred by unshed tears, before Eridna came to hug him for a final time in her own turn. Then my father, in that moment the pinnacle of bravery, stepped out the door, only his blazing eyes when he turned to us to shut the door hinting his anguish at his situation.

Then the door shut, and before I could walk to the window to wave goodbye one last time, Eridna swung the curtains shut with her trademark ferocity, eyes blazing with an anger that consumed her.

“I will not see Father clapped in irons like some murderer.” That was all she said by way of explanation, before she turned her back on the carriage and our father, bright blue gown swishing and her auburn ringlets bobbing as she ascended the grand staircase to where Kella was waiting in the living room.

And so one chapter of my existence ended, and another one, one of anger and courage, began.

The-Book-Worm wrote:

…
I agree that setting is important, You want to find a balance between telling the readers enough so they aren't confused, but also leaving some things in the dark so you can reveal them later.

I find with younger writers (and I'm not saying this is any of you. I just have edited a lot of stories on scratch, and scratch is, after all, a kid's coding website.) that showing and describing the setting and the world is the hardest part and takes the most time to develop.

…

PrincessFlowerTV wrote:

Also, here's the beginning of a story i'm writing, called(I may change it in the future lol) Teakettle Wishes.
-snip-

It started last spring. Aunt Jenny, who’s famous for telling exaggerated stories, stood in front of the family, as she told the story of her expedition to find vintage photos for a project. My aunt had gone to the attic, where she guessed they were stored, and apparently, she was unable to retrieve the albums because she was beaten over the head with a candlestick, dragged out into the hallway, and left there. Aunt Jenny had nightmares for weeks afterwards. Of course, no one had believed her.
Aunt Jenny was told by Uncle Gary, who was a psychiatrist, that she would get the family rate. He said he could easily walk through it to get over the hallucination. But Jenny insisted it was nothing of the sort.
The family mostly forgot about it afterwards, and so did I.

My aunt had gone to the attic, where she guessed they were stored. While trying to retrieve the albums. apparently, she was beaten over the head with a candlestick, dragged out into the hallway, and left there by an unknown assailant.

Super_Scratch_Bros20 wrote:

-The Shadows Loom-

-snip-

I feel as though something is missing, though. I've taken out lots of paragraphs that are too (not removed by moderator - but please don't try to explain it). I've been ever-expanding it…yet it seems to no avail. Any tips or ideas?

Speechless? Well….

Just kidding; I know you're inactive.

Haha yeah, I was inactive, not speechless, since, to be honest, I'm not really into poetry - well I just don't read a ton nor do I write it unless I'm venting (I know it's a weird way to vent lol)

I can say that some of the rhymes are really good and not common ones, but also some of the rhymes are quite common and from what little poetry I have read, overused. If it fits in the poem though, idk what to say :"D Just make sure to be consistent with your rhyme scheme unless you're writing free verse?

XCat wrote:

I also have decided to share a snippet of the novel I'm writing, Idealist, which is appropriate for Scratch. The rest of this scene isn't, but despite the lack of context, I think you can get a pretty good sense of what's happening. Feel free to let me know if you have any critiques or advice!

Like the shadow that falls over the world at night, the sound of a carriage pressing hard up the gravel road that led to our estate brought darkness to my world. I fell into my father’s arms one last time, eyes blurred by unshed tears, before Eridna came to hug him for a final time in her own turn. Then my father, in that moment the pinnacle of bravery, stepped out the door, only his blazing eyes when he turned to us to shut the door hinting his anguish at his situation.

Then the door shut, and before I could walk to the window to wave goodbye one last time, Eridna swung the curtains shut with her trademark ferocity, eyes blazing with an anger that consumed her.

“I will not see Father clapped in irons like some murderer.” That was all she said by way of explanation, before she turned her back on the carriage and our father, bright blue gown swishing and her auburn ringlets bobbing as she ascended the grand staircase to where Kella was waiting in the living room.

And so one chapter of my existence ended, and another one, one of anger and courage, began.

“I will not see Father clapped in irons like some murderer.”

The-Book-Worm wrote:

-snip-

Your style of writing is different than mine, so some of my feedback might not apply for all of it, but I hope this helps

PrincessFlowerTV wrote:

The-Book-Worm wrote:

-snip-

Your style of writing is different than mine, so some of my feedback might not apply for all of it, but I hope this helps

Yes, thank you - this does! I definitely struggle with using different ways to describe characters, so i'll watch out for that.

The-Book-Worm wrote:

PrincessFlowerTV wrote:

The-Book-Worm wrote:

-snip-

Your style of writing is different than mine, so some of my feedback might not apply for all of it, but I hope this helps

Yes, thank you - this does! I definitely struggle with using different ways to describe characters, so i'll watch out for that.

I have sort of the opposite problem, so I struggle with remembering to use pronouns

The-Book-Worm wrote:

- Snip -

I need to stop leaving critiques like I know what I'm doing

But dude, I love the imagery and how you describe things. The style of writing imminently drew me in and sparked my interest. As a true book nerd, I started comparing it to the plethora of books I've read that start this way. It reminds me of Red Rising (though I doubt many - if any, have read it since it's age level is about 16-19 years old) and a few other dystopian books I've read. But it seems unique in its own way, so I think it's fine.

I understood what this sentence said, but I had to read it twice to figure out what it said:

“I will not see Father clapped in irons like some murderer.”

I understand why the dialect is different than our modern way of speaking, just keep in mind that you will have to speak in this dialect the entire duration of the novel which might prove difficult if this isn't how you generally talk - which it may be. In that case, that's pretty awesome. If not, just something to keep in mind.
I don't really have any critiques since it's not super long There shouldn't be a comma after explanation.