TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

Hahgoot wrote:

TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

-snip-

I'd probably be one of those “I work alone” people lol

I know this is probably a joke but you'd probably be dooming yourself by doing that. Survival requires a whole lot of skills that it's unlikely for one person to have and even if they do it's going to be a lot more difficult for them. How do you plan on repairing damaged clothes, for example? What would you do if you need to make new clothes and every clothes shop's already been raided barren? I bet you can't make your own ones. And that's just one part of survival, you've got a lot more than that to worry about. Plus there's probably going to be a few horrid people taking advantage of anyone they can find that seems weak, and someone wandering around on their own with barely enough survival skills to function is probably an easy target- there's safety in numbers.

Hahgoot wrote:

TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

-snip-

Oof I was joking I'm sorry

TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

Hahgoot wrote:

TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

-snip-

Oof I was joking I'm sorry

I'm sorry I'm very passionate about stuff like this and I don't mean for it to come off so aggressively

petme wrote:

the next book on mud. -snip-

petme wrote:

the next book on mud. -snoop-

TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

Tip of the day
An unreliable narrator is not an excuse for inconsistencies in the story. For an unreliable narrator to work, you need to show moments to the reader where they can see (or see in hindsight) that the perspective they are given is inaccurate. There also needs to be some kind of real purpose to using an unreliable narrator in your story- the lies or false beliefs they share need to be properly thought out and considered, playing a role within your story.

Hahgoot wrote:

petme wrote:

the next book on mud. -snip-

Great start! The characters are great and have a lot of personality, and it's very interesting so far. Maybe try using quotation marks (like ‘ ’ and “ ”) so people know when characters are talking ^^

The-Book-Worm wrote:

So I'm just going to repost this. Could some give me advice on it?

So I have this shortish story that's sort of meant to sound a bit clique. It's kind of hard to explain, but I like how it sounds. I was wondering if someone would take a quick look at the prologue and first chapter.
The actual story is maybe 13 pages with each chapter starting on another page so not long at all.

Bloody Mary - A Camp Story

Prologue:

It all began at summer camp. I had been to this camp several times throughout many summers, but this summer was different. My friends and I were older and more mature… well, I hoped we were. I couldn't stand getting in trouble again this year. What happened last year? Let's just say raiding the kitchen and having a food fight was not our counselors' idea of a good time.
But this year I was ready for a new start. We had finished 6th grade with a bang and couldn't wait to lead the school in 7th. My friends and I were daring and itching for excitement. As one said later, we wanted something more in our last year at camp, and boy did we get something.

Chapter One:

“Is everyone here? Where is Liese?” Judy, our counselor, asked.
“Here!” Liese said popping her head up above the seat.
“Celeste?” Judy questioned.
“Right here!” Celeste answered appearing next to Liese.
“Sam?”
“Present!” I shouted over the clamor of voices. I was sitting with my best friend, Kate. Across the aisle were my other two good friends, Hallie and Mary. We were all riding the bus to our favorite summer camp, Camp Fire. Although the name was a bit odd, we still loved Camp Fire dearly. Most of us had been going to Camp Fire since we were six, and some like our counselor Judy had arrived last year.
“Samantha, it is so good to see you again! It has been forever!” that was Hallie.
Straight from London, Hallie had perfect manners, and charming British accent, and an incredible character. Every so often, when I'd hang out with Hallie, I'd find myself taking in an accent and using very proper words.
“It has been quite some time!” I replied smiling.
Almost all my friends were here with the exception of those who either didn't ride the bus or were always late. This was our last year, and we all wanted it to be perfect. The only thing none of us were looking forward to though was the long bus ride.

Viiceroy wrote:

yo soooo @nether you ever written anything bcs i'm genuinely interested in seeing if it resembles the way you post

TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

Viiceroy wrote:

yo soooo @nether you ever written anything bcs i'm genuinely interested in seeing if it resembles the way you post

I've written stuff before but most of it ends up being unfinished and deleted not long after. That's one of my main flaws as a writer. Also, by “resembles the way that you post” are you referring to whether I follow all the advice I give or whether I write like I type because the answers for those are “most of the time” and “yes” respectively.

TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

Challenge of the day
Create a parody of the last thing you read/watched/listened to.
Remember that a good parody is not just built on insults of any and every flaw, but is more built around using or exaggerating the conventions and dynamics of the original piece to create comedy.

Viiceroy wrote:

TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

Viiceroy wrote:

yo soooo @nether you ever written anything bcs i'm genuinely interested in seeing if it resembles the way you post

I've written stuff before but most of it ends up being unfinished and deleted not long after. That's one of my main flaws as a writer. Also, by “resembles the way that you post” are you referring to whether I follow all the advice I give or whether I write like I type because the answers for those are “most of the time” and “yes” respectively.

both LOOOL
and yeah i mean whether or not it's finished if you're down to share it i'd love to see

The-Book-Worm wrote:

So I'm just going to repost this. Could some give me advice on it?

So I have this shortish story that's sort of meant to sound a bit clique. It's kind of hard to explain, but I like how it sounds. I was wondering if someone would take a quick look at the prologue and first chapter.
The actual story is maybe 13 pages with each chapter starting on another page so not long at all.

Bloody Mary - A Camp Story

Prologue:

It all began at summer camp. I had been to this camp several times throughout many summers, but this summer was different. My friends and I were older and more mature… well, I hoped we were. I couldn't stand getting in trouble again this year. What happened last year? Let's just say raiding the kitchen and having a food fight was not our counselors' idea of a good time.
But this year I was ready for a new start. We had finished 6th grade with a bang and couldn't wait to lead the school in 7th. My friends and I were daring and itching for excitement. As one said later, we wanted something more in our last year at camp, and boy did we get something.

Chapter One:

“Is everyone here? Where is Liese?” Judy, our counselor, asked.
“Here!” Liese said popping her head up above the seat.
“Celeste?” Judy questioned.
“Right here!” Celeste answered appearing next to Liese.
“Sam?”
“Present!” I shouted over the clamor of voices. I was sitting with my best friend, Kate. Across the aisle were my other two good friends, Hallie and Mary. We were all riding the bus to our favorite summer camp, Camp Fire. Although the name was a bit odd, we still loved Camp Fire dearly. Most of us had been going to Camp Fire since we were six, and some like our counselor Judy had arrived last year.
“Samantha, it is so good to see you again! It has been forever!” that was Hallie.
Straight from London, Hallie had perfect manners, and charming British accent, and an incredible character. Every so often, when I'd hang out with Hallie, I'd find myself taking in an accent and using very proper words.
“It has been quite some time!” I replied smiling.
Almost all my friends were here with the exception of those who either didn't ride the bus or were always late. This was our last year, and we all wanted it to be perfect. The only thing none of us were looking forward to though was the long bus ride.

mistywaves wrote:

The-Book-Worm wrote:

So I'm just going to repost this. Could some give me advice on it?

So I have this shortish story that's sort of meant to sound a bit clique. It's kind of hard to explain, but I like how it sounds. I was wondering if someone would take a quick look at the prologue and first chapter.
The actual story is maybe 13 pages with each chapter starting on another page so not long at all.

Bloody Mary - A Camp Story

Prologue:

It all began at summer camp. I had been to this camp several times throughout many summers, but this summer was different. My friends and I were older and more mature… well, I hoped we were. I couldn't stand getting in trouble again this year. What happened last year? Let's just say raiding the kitchen and having a food fight was not our counselors' idea of a good time.
But this year I was ready for a new start. We had finished 6th grade with a bang and couldn't wait to lead the school in 7th. My friends and I were daring and itching for excitement. As one said later, we wanted something more in our last year at camp, and boy did we get something.

Chapter One:

“Is everyone here? Where is Liese?” Judy, our counselor, asked.
“Here!” Liese said popping her head up above the seat.
“Celeste?” Judy questioned.
“Right here!” Celeste answered appearing next to Liese.
“Sam?”
“Present!” I shouted over the clamor of voices. I was sitting with my best friend, Kate. Across the aisle were my other two good friends, Hallie and Mary. We were all riding the bus to our favorite summer camp, Camp Fire. Although the name was a bit odd, we still loved Camp Fire dearly. Most of us had been going to Camp Fire since we were six, and some like our counselor Judy had arrived last year.
“Samantha, it is so good to see you again! It has been forever!” that was Hallie.
Straight from London, Hallie had perfect manners, and charming British accent, and an incredible character. Every so often, when I'd hang out with Hallie, I'd find myself taking in an accent and using very proper words.
“It has been quite some time!” I replied smiling.
Almost all my friends were here with the exception of those who either didn't ride the bus or were always late. This was our last year, and we all wanted it to be perfect. The only thing none of us were looking forward to though was the long bus ride.

It's good! You've obviously got a good grip on your spelling and grammar and the atmosphere of camp that you're building up seems to be realistic from what I've heard (I've never been to camp). The characters so far seem interesting and the way you mix dialogue with descriptors (I'm not sure how to put it but dialogue with what people are doing during the dialogue) is great! I personally think Hallie's dialogue is slightly odd, as speaking in a posh way and using grammar correctly doesn't equal not using contractions, it just means one's extremely formal I'd suggest changing her line to something more like “Samantha, there you are! It's been forever, hasn't it?” and using more subtle indicators such as clothing, her experiences eg. her talking about having horse riding lessons or how she hates her grammar school teachers etc to show her social class but otherwise, great D

cheese-duck wrote:

mistywaves wrote:

The-Book-Worm wrote:

So I'm just going to repost this. Could some give me advice on it?

So I have this shortish story that's sort of meant to sound a bit clique. It's kind of hard to explain, but I like how it sounds. I was wondering if someone would take a quick look at the prologue and first chapter.
The actual story is maybe 13 pages with each chapter starting on another page so not long at all.

Bloody Mary - A Camp Story

Prologue:

It all began at summer camp. I had been to this camp several times throughout many summers, but this summer was different. My friends and I were older and more mature… well, I hoped we were. I couldn't stand getting in trouble again this year. What happened last year? Let's just say raiding the kitchen and having a food fight was not our counselors' idea of a good time.
But this year I was ready for a new start. We had finished 6th grade with a bang and couldn't wait to lead the school in 7th. My friends and I were daring and itching for excitement. As one said later, we wanted something more in our last year at camp, and boy did we get something.

Chapter One:

“Is everyone here? Where is Liese?” Judy, our counselor, asked.
“Here!” Liese said popping her head up above the seat.
“Celeste?” Judy questioned.
“Right here!” Celeste answered appearing next to Liese.
“Sam?”
“Present!” I shouted over the clamor of voices. I was sitting with my best friend, Kate. Across the aisle were my other two good friends, Hallie and Mary. We were all riding the bus to our favorite summer camp, Camp Fire. Although the name was a bit odd, we still loved Camp Fire dearly. Most of us had been going to Camp Fire since we were six, and some like our counselor Judy had arrived last year.
“Samantha, it is so good to see you again! It has been forever!” that was Hallie.
Straight from London, Hallie had perfect manners, and charming British accent, and an incredible character. Every so often, when I'd hang out with Hallie, I'd find myself taking in an accent and using very proper words.
“It has been quite some time!” I replied smiling.
Almost all my friends were here with the exception of those who either didn't ride the bus or were always late. This was our last year, and we all wanted it to be perfect. The only thing none of us were looking forward to though was the long bus ride.

It's good! You've obviously got a good grip on your spelling and grammar and the atmosphere of camp that you're building up seems to be realistic from what I've heard (I've never been to camp). The characters so far seem interesting and the way you mix dialogue with descriptors (I'm not sure how to put it but dialogue with what people are doing during the dialogue) is great! I personally think Hallie's dialogue is slightly odd, as speaking in a posh way and using grammar correctly doesn't equal not using contractions, it just means one's extremely formal I'd suggest changing her line to something more like “Samantha, there you are! It's been forever, hasn't it?” and using more subtle indicators such as clothing, her experiences eg. her talking about having horse riding lessons or how she hates her grammar school teachers etc to show her social class but otherwise, great D

Yep, the atmosphere is great! I think Hallie has a very distinct personality, though true, I agree with what mistywaves said about her.
As for the dialogue, I think the taglines are a bit “noisy.” By that I mean they're too descriptive, taking away from the dialogue itself (ex. ‘questioned’ and ‘answered’) but that's a pretty easy-to-fix problem, unless I guess you've fallen into the habit of making taglines fancy.