awesome job!! just a few critiques c;

1st paragraph: “At the rate I was going, by the end of the wedding I would be completely sleep-deprived.” I think from this, it’s kind of repetitive if you say at the “rate i was going”, and then “by the end of the wedding”, but it’s just my opinion c:

1st paragraph: “…at the edge of my bed in unrest…” i think instead of putting “unrest”, you could put sleeplessness or something, but it’s just my opinion.

paragraph 26: “‘You’ve always visited me late at night, and you never wear your sleepwear.” first, you forgot to put an end quote here c; second, “you never wear your sleepwear” is a little repetitive.

19th paragraph starting at the bottom and going up (i think): “Arms encircling around me…” this one I think you could say, “Arms encircling me”, but that’s just my preference.

again, great job with this chapter and i’m so excited to see the next one come out!! <33

SaiIAway wrote:

table of contents

chapter 1 | chapter 2 | chapter 3 | chapter 4

end of chapter 4 (hope you enjoyed the little faarity moments u_u)

proofreader(s) for chapter four: @firesideangel, @Peach_Drawing

[if you find any errors (spelling mistakes/uneven paragraph splits/wrong punctuation use) please lmk]

Love it so muchhhhhh! Also we need more Faarity XD

You write so well! :000

Also if this isn’t a too major spoiler will there be more Faarity??? Also will you kill Faaris? Is that the sad fate??? I don’t want to know actually XD
Sorry for bombarding you with questions XD

Just_Another_Artist wrote:

SaiIAway wrote:

table of contents

chapter 1 | chapter 2 | chapter 3 | chapter 4

end of chapter 4 (hope you enjoyed the little faarity moments u_u)

proofreader(s) for chapter four: @firesideangel, @Peach_Drawing

[if you find any errors (spelling mistakes/uneven paragraph splits/wrong punctuation use) please lmk]

Love it so muchhhhhh! Also we need more Faarity XD

You write so well! :000

Also if this isn’t a too major spoiler will there be more Faarity??? Also will you kill Faaris? Is that the sad fate??? I don’t want to know actually XD
Sorry for bombarding you with questions XD

there will DEFINITELY be more faarity and thank youu!

extrovertedd wrote:

awesome job!! just a few critiques c;

1st paragraph: “At the rate I was going, by the end of the wedding I would be completely sleep-deprived.” I think from this, it’s kind of repetitive if you say at the “rate i was going”, and then “by the end of the wedding”, but it’s just my opinion c:

1st paragraph: “…at the edge of my bed in unrest…” i think instead of putting “unrest”, you could put sleeplessness or something, but it’s just my opinion.

paragraph 26: “‘You’ve always visited me late at night, and you never wear your sleepwear.” first, you forgot to put an end quote here c; second, “you never wear your sleepwear” is a little repetitive.

19th paragraph starting at the bottom and going up (i think): “Arms encircling around me…” this one I think you could say, “Arms encircling me”, but that’s just my preference.

again, great job with this chapter and i’m so excited to see the next one come out!! <33

you also use sleepwear once and nightwear once, so i would suggest changing that to one or the other c;

nice job aaaaa

extrovertedd wrote:

awesome job!! just a few critiques c;

thanks for the help!! I'm soo glad you caught that stuff omg i gotta hire you guys or smth for critiquing my stories pfft

lol ty!! xDD

ᶠᵃᵃʳᶦᵗʸ ˢᵗᵃⁿ

eeeeeee i ship faarity

2HappyFroYo2 wrote:

eeeeeee i ship faarity

WHY IS IT CROSSED OUT > : (

Yes Chapter four is out!! Faarity is so cute uwu

SaiIAway wrote:

2HappyFroYo2 wrote:

eeeeeee i ship faarity

WHY IS IT CROSSED OUT > : (

klfdjlkgjfdg i posted it before other people also said that so i thought it would be an unpopular opinion-
clearly not HJDFSKL

2HappyFroYo2 wrote:

SaiIAway wrote:

2HappyFroYo2 wrote:

eeeeeee i ship faarity

WHY IS IT CROSSED OUT > : (

klfdjlkgjfdg i posted it before other people also said that so i thought it would be an unpopular opinion-
clearly not HJDFSKL

its heckIN NoT > join the cult my dude

SaiIAway wrote:

2HappyFroYo2 wrote:

SaiIAway wrote:

2HappyFroYo2 wrote:

eeeeeee i ship faarity

WHY IS IT CROSSED OUT > : (

klfdjlkgjfdg i posted it before other people also said that so i thought it would be an unpopular opinion-
clearly not HJDFSKL

its heckIN NoT > join the cult my dude

HAHAHAHH THE EMOJI

2HappyFroYo2 wrote:

SaiIAway wrote:

2HappyFroYo2 wrote:

SaiIAway wrote:

2HappyFroYo2 wrote:

eeeeeee i ship faarity

WHY IS IT CROSSED OUT > : (

klfdjlkgjfdg i posted it before other people also said that so i thought it would be an unpopular opinion-
clearly not HJDFSKL

its heckIN NoT > join the cult my dude

HAHAHAHH THE EMOJI

WAIT OMG NOO HOW COULD IT

This story is sooo good. I just have to say that the other chapters were almost perfect in grammatical mistakes, but I have a suggestion for chapter four. It says: Something sent a chill up my body–although I had no idea if it was good or bad. This might be just me, but I feel like the body-although seems like just one word. You might want to put spaces in there? Other than that, you did a great job! I can’t wait for chapter five!

PrairieDov wrote:

This story is sooo good. I just have to say that the other chapters were almost perfect in grammatical mistakes, but I have a suggestion for chapter four. It says: Something sent a chill up my body–although I had no idea if it was good or bad. This might be just me, but I feel like the body-although seems like just one word. You might want to put spaces in there? Other than that, you did a great job! I can’t wait for chapter five!

aa actually the — is a punctuation use for an abrupt thought in a sentence !! (its called an em bash btw lol)

hey, i'm baackk! i love this chapter, as always, but here're a few things i found (again, as always haha)-

“'Let’s walk through the garden, now,' I suggested quickly with a clear of my throat.” i would suggest taking out the comma after ‘garden’, because rn it sounds demanding, like ‘now’ is its own sentence because of the pause the comma gives.

'“You look very pretty in that gown,” he said as if to clear the looming silence.' i believe there should be a comma after ‘said,’ because it's acting like an appositive in this context.

“But I felt too embarrassed to ask for my shawl back, at least not after what we had just talked about–would Faaris think I was trying to change the subject?” okay so this is a personal choice, but i would have a period after ‘back’ instead of a comma. this gives it more sentence variety, but it's not necessary.

“I saw no quirk of his lips or a raise of his eyebrows, which I had grown accustomed to when he joked with me.” this one is a personal choice again. i'm going to rewrite it in the way i'd say it, and i'll put the changes in bold: 'I saw no quirk on his lips or a raise of his eyebrows, both of which I had grown accustomed to from all the many times he's joked with me.'

aa that's it! but one final thing (and this is a personal change again ahaha) but i'd recommend trying to change some of the ‘said’s to different words that convey the feelings of the dialogue better. for instance, if you replaced ‘said’ with ‘droned’, i feel like the reader would get more of a sense of what's going on (that's just a random example, it doesn't connect to the story at all lol). for most of the story you use other words, but there were 15 ‘said’s in this chapter, and some of them were super close to each other. but that's a super picky thing haha, ignore this if you want.

ANYWAYS NOW FOR MY RANT ABOUT FAARITYYY AFLMKD:SFJSD :TFS THEY'RE PERFECT. THAT'S ALL I CAN SAY. THE MIDNIGHT STROLL WAS JUST- TENSION- 100 CUTENESS- 100 WRITING SKILLS- 100

I LOVED THIS CHAPTER, CAN'T WAIT FOR C FIVE!!


good job bro <3

-chanson wrote:

hey, i'm baackk! i love this chapter, as always, but here're a few things i found (again, as always haha)-

good job bro <3

heyyy thanks again for the critiques!! seriously it's so nice how you take the time to do this for every chapter ;; is there any way i can like,, offer something for your help??

SaiIAway wrote:

-chanson wrote:

hey, i'm baackk! i love this chapter, as always, but here're a few things i found (again, as always haha)-

good job bro <3

heyyy thanks again for the critiques!! seriously it's so nice how you take the time to do this for every chapter ;; is there any way i can like,, offer something for your help??

of course! your stories are so fun to read, it really is my pleasure!! and nonono don't do anything for me, i love looking at your stuff and helping in whatever ways i can! just keep writing, i honestly don't want anything else <3

aaa love this so far! i'm just figuring out how this forum works- but this story is a m a z i n g!

SaiIAway wrote:

PrairieDov wrote:

This story is sooo good. I just have to say that the other chapters were almost perfect in grammatical mistakes, but I have a suggestion for chapter four. It says: Something sent a chill up my body–although I had no idea if it was good or bad. This might be just me, but I feel like the body-although seems like just one word. You might want to put spaces in there? Other than that, you did a great job! I can’t wait for chapter five!

aa actually the — is a punctuation use for an abrupt thought in a sentence !! (its called an em bash btw lol)

Yeah, it just reads funny for me because usually I put spaces to break up the word.