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- dhritikothari16
-
Scratcher
54 posts
The Pain of Love
The Pain of LoveForward:☆
I touched the ring.
A stinging pain shot up my arm. Electricity found its way in.
The current traveled through my nerves, every normal particle turned electrical. The air in the room seemed to disappear, the walls closed in, and the pain increased. Breathing wasn’t possible. I dropped to the stone cold floor, my energy draining out of me. The particles stitched itself to my skin, becoming a part of me. A blinding light blurred my vision, I couldn't feel.
The pain was unbearable. My scream got lost in the stone walls.
Every rational brain cell told me to remove the ring, but my heart told me to bear it. This is what mum wanted the tiny voice whispered, this is what mum sacrificed her life for.
There’s no going back now.☆
This was the ‘ForWaRD’ leave a message for any mistakes/improvements! critique is appreciated!
word count: 132 words
proof reader/s - @cwhq_prishar12
@qhostsonq
Last edited by dhritikothari16 (March 25, 2021 08:52:18)
- cwhq_prishar12
-
Scratcher
3 posts
The Pain of Love
This is SO good, in one part in the beginning it say's ‘electricity/electrical’ many times, i think it would sound better if you did something like "The current /energy/static (Or whatever you want) traveled…"?
It was GREAT though. <333
It was GREAT though. <333
- dhritikothari16
-
Scratcher
54 posts
The Pain of Love
This is SO good, in one part in the beginning it say's ‘electricity/electrical’ many times, i think it would sound better if you did something like "The current /energy/static (Or whatever you want) traveled…"?AHHHH- ty, *AddES you as a Proofreader* I agree with you on the it says ‘electricity/electrical’ WAYYYY too many times. MORE critique is always appreciated!!
It was GREAT though. <333
- qhostsonq
-
Scratcher
100+ posts
The Pain of Love
What about ‘pain shot THROUGH my arm’ and instead of normal, ordinary? And, maybe: 'This is what mum wantedthe tiny voice whispered. This was what she sacrificed her whole life for.
I really love the story! It's so suspenseful and foreboding.
I really love the story! It's so suspenseful and foreboding.
Last edited by qhostsonq (March 25, 2021 04:40:48)
heyo
- dhritikothari16
-
Scratcher
54 posts
The Pain of Love
What about ‘pain shot THROUGH my arm’ and instead of normal, ordinary? And, maybe: 'This is what mum wantedthe tiny voice whispered. This was what she sacrificed her whole life for.AHHH- TYSMM, for the ‘pain shot THROUGH my arm’ i don't really know whether i like that better or i like ‘pain shot UP my arm’ i'm still debating on that for the normal and ordinary again i'm debating on that, and again i'm not sure which one sounds better, Whole life or without the life, but again THANK YOU SOOO MUCH FOR THE ADVICEEEE <3333, means a lot
I really love the story! It's so suspenseful and foreboding.
- Firetender
-
Scratcher
100+ posts
The Pain of Love
okay, uh, first of all- this is absolutely beautiful, what the heck?? :00 just 130 words, and i'm already hooked.
i'd personally put a paragraph break between the “breathing wasn't possible” and “i dropped to the stone cold floor,” but that's just personal preference. : ) i also think that in “a blinding light blurred my vision, i couldn't feel,” the comma should be a semicolon since they're two independent clauses. in one sentence, i noticed that the formatting of punctuation was slightly off; i believe it should be, "This is what mum wanted, the tiny voice whispered. This is what mum sacrificed her life for.
all in all, though, those are all small errors!! i just have a habit of noticing the small grammatical issues. : ) this was really beautiful, though, and i can't wait to read more!
i'd personally put a paragraph break between the “breathing wasn't possible” and “i dropped to the stone cold floor,” but that's just personal preference. : ) i also think that in “a blinding light blurred my vision, i couldn't feel,” the comma should be a semicolon since they're two independent clauses. in one sentence, i noticed that the formatting of punctuation was slightly off; i believe it should be, "This is what mum wanted, the tiny voice whispered. This is what mum sacrificed her life for.
all in all, though, those are all small errors!! i just have a habit of noticing the small grammatical issues. : ) this was really beautiful, though, and i can't wait to read more!
- Grey_Dove
-
Scratcher
35 posts
The Pain of Love
okay, uh, first of all- this is absolutely beautiful, what the heck?? :00 just 130 words, and i'm already hooked.gah- I forGOT AbouT tHIS sToRY- THANKSSSSS I don't mind the punctuation corrections, I personally suck at punctuation. TvT THANK YOU SO MUCH- I- THIS MEANS A LOT
i'd personally put a paragraph break between the “breathing wasn't possible” and “i dropped to the stone cold floor,” but that's just personal preference. : ) i also think that in “a blinding light blurred my vision, i couldn't feel,” the comma should be a semicolon since they're two independent clauses. in one sentence, i noticed that the formatting of punctuation was slightly off; i believe it should be, "This is what mum wanted, the tiny voice whispered. This is what mum sacrificed her life for.
all in all, though, those are all small errors!! i just have a habit of noticing the small grammatical issues. : ) this was really beautiful, though, and i can't wait to read more!
FAIRY TALES FTW <333 *SWC*
- Grey_Dove
-
Scratcher
35 posts
The Pain of Love
okay, uh, first of all- this is absolutely beautiful, what the heck?? :00 just 130 words, and i'm already hooked.ALSO THIS IS MY NEW ACCOUNT
i'd personally put a paragraph break between the “breathing wasn't possible” and “i dropped to the stone cold floor,” but that's just personal preference. : ) i also think that in “a blinding light blurred my vision, i couldn't feel,” the comma should be a semicolon since they're two independent clauses. in one sentence, i noticed that the formatting of punctuation was slightly off; i believe it should be, "This is what mum wanted, the tiny voice whispered. This is what mum sacrificed her life for.
all in all, though, those are all small errors!! i just have a habit of noticing the small grammatical issues. : ) this was really beautiful, though, and i can't wait to read more!
FAIRY TALES FTW <333 *SWC*
- Grey_Dove
-
Scratcher
35 posts
The Pain of Love
The Pain of Love
Forward:
I touched the ring.
A stinging pain shot up my arm. Electricity found its way in.
The current traveled through my nerves, every normal particle turned electrical. The air in the room seemed to disappear, the walls closed in, and the pain increased. Breathing wasn’t possible.
I dropped to the stone cold floor, my energy draining out of me. The particles stitched itself to my skin, becoming a part of me. A blinding light blurred my vision, I couldn't feel.
The pain was unbearable. My scream got lost in the stone walls.
Every rational brain cell told me to remove the ring, but my heart told me to bear it. “This is what mum wanted” , the tiny voice whispered, “This is what mum sacrificed her life for.”
There’s no going back now.
This was the ‘ForWaRD’ leave a message for any mistakes/improvements! critique is appreciated!
☆
I touched the ring.
A stinging pain shot up my arm. Electricity found its way in.
The current traveled through my nerves, every normal particle turned electrical. The air in the room seemed to disappear, the walls closed in, and the pain increased. Breathing wasn’t possible.
I dropped to the stone cold floor, my energy draining out of me. The particles stitched itself to my skin, becoming a part of me. A blinding light blurred my vision, I couldn't feel.
The pain was unbearable. My scream got lost in the stone walls.
Every rational brain cell told me to remove the ring, but my heart told me to bear it. “This is what mum wanted” , the tiny voice whispered, “This is what mum sacrificed her life for.”
There’s no going back now.
☆
This was the ‘ForWaRD’ leave a message for any mistakes/improvements! critique is appreciated!
word count: 132 words
proof reader/s - @cwhq_prishar12
@qhostsonq
@Firetender
Last edited by Grey_Dove (April 20, 2021 15:26:34)
FAIRY TALES FTW <333 *SWC*
- Grey_Dove
-
Scratcher
35 posts
The Pain of Love
this is AMAZING!!acckkkk- THANKSSSSSS, THIS IS MY NEW ACCOUNT BY THE WAYY-
FAIRY TALES FTW <333 *SWC*
- s9226403
-
Scratcher
66 posts
The Pain of Love
I LOVE THIS SO MUCH HGBTVFGFED
Hiya! I'm Dani! My favorite fandoms are Harry Potter, MHA, and Stranger Things! I love writing, drawing, cooking, and reading! I'm currently working on a book. I LOVE Vengeance, EitS, and The Facility!I am also a bisexual Christian.
'Words are our most inexhaustible source of magic.' - J.K. Rowling
psst! read Down the Well too!
- Grey_Dove
-
Scratcher
35 posts
The Pain of Love
I LOVE THIS SO MUCH HGBTVFGFEDAHHHH- TYSMMM- I- THIS IS MY NEW ACCOUNT! THIS MEANS A LOTTTT TYSM
FAIRY TALES FTW <333 *SWC*
- Grey_Dove
-
Scratcher
35 posts
The Pain of Love
The Pain of LoveForward:☆
I touched the ring.
A stinging pain shot up my arm. Electricity found its way in.
The current traveled through my nerves, every normal particle turned electrical. The air in the room seemed to disappear, the walls closed in, and the pain increased. Breathing wasn’t possible. I dropped to the stone cold floor, my energy draining out of me. The particles stitched itself to my skin, becoming a part of me. A blinding light blurred my vision, I couldn't feel.
The pain was unbearable. My scream got lost in the stone walls.
Every rational brain cell told me to remove the ring, but my heart told me to bear it. This is what mum wanted the tiny voice whispered, this is what mum sacrificed her life for.
There’s no going back now.☆
This was the ‘ForWaRD’ leave a message for any mistakes/improvements! critique is appreciated!
word count: 132 words
proof reader/s - @cwhq_prishar12
@qhostsonq
FAIRY TALES FTW <333 *SWC*
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