TC:: CAMPER IN THE UNDERGROUND CAVERNS

Weeklies::
Weekly 1: https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/682100/?page=1#post-7205793
Weekly 2: https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/683861/?page=1#post-7224971
Weekly 3:
Weekly 4:

Dailies::
Daily 1: Wacky wednesdays - turned my pfp upside down xD
Daily 2:

SIC:: Co-Leader of Mirabilis

Activity Thread:: https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/688770/?page=1#post-7285162
Proof Posts::

SWC JULY 2023:: Adventure Camper
Daily July 2:: https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/682100/?page=1#post-7354869
Act 1: Polyphemus:: https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/682100/?page=1#post-7356172

SWC NOVEMBER 2023:: Steampunk Camper
(links on this post) https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/682100/?page=1#post-7620470

Weekly 1::

Part 1::
1) two birds by Regina Spektor
2) Beautiful Life by bebe rexa
3) Lost Boy by Ruth B
4) Immortals by Fall Out Boy
5) Believer by Imagine Dragons
6) Fix You by Coldplay
7) Camilo's Interlude (xD) by Laureli Amadeus
8) Warrior of the Mind by Jorge Rivera-Herrans
9) Legendary by Jorge Rivera-Herrans
10) Perfect by Ed Sheeran

Part 2::

1. Write as if you are in the perspective of the person singing. 306/200 words

I’m walking down the road, forcing myself not to look back. I look up instead, spotting two birds sitting on a wire. One takes off, flies in a circle, and comes back to the other. Two birds on a wire… I hum a melody as I watch them. Anything to distract myself. Two birds on a wire… I hum the notes again. One tries to fly away and the other…. The brave bird tweets, and the other replies, shifting as though it’ll fly. The brave bird takes off once more, but the other shrinks back again. Two birds on a wire… I hum the notes again. One tries to fly away and the other watches him close from that wire, says he wants to as well but he’s just a liar… I shake my head. Why does everything come back to what I really don’t want to think about. I try to focus on the birds, let all the other thoughts disappear. The brave bird snuggles close to the other, as though reassuring it. The other bird tweets, and he responds. I’ll believe it all… He seems to say. There’s nothing I won’t understand…. I shake my head again, so annoyed. Why does this breakup keep invading my thoughts? I don’t want to think about him, and I don’t want to think about that stupid conversation!! The bird flies up again, tweets, and the other replies from the wire, then glances towards the sky. Two birds on a wire, I hum. One says come on, and the other says I’m tired. The sky’s overcast and I’m sorry, one more or one less, nobody’s worried. I sigh and keep walking. I’m staring at birds.

But when I get home I can’t stop thinking about them. So I pull out my notebook and jot down the iffy lyrics I was making up, plunk the melody into the keyboard. Next time I glance up at the clock I can’t believe how long it’s been.

The next morning I lift my head, looking at my still on screen. A file is waiting to be played. I hit play, and listen to a recording, of my voice and instrumental that I must have done last night.

Two birds of a feather, say that they’re always gonna stay together.
But one’s never going to let go of that wire.
He says that he will.
But he’s just a liar.

I’m surprised at how good it sounds, building to a crescendo, and then taking my breath away with the ending.

Two birds on a wire.
One tries to fly away
And the other…

(ALL RIGHTS TO THE ARTIST FOR THE LYRICS THESE ARE NOT MINE I TAKE NO CREDIT PLS DON'T SUE ME xD)

2. Write about the meaning/message of the piece. Is it trying to show hope, or love, or tragedy? Why? How can you prove this in the music? Think dEeP like you're in English class- what's the tHeMe? If you have a classical piece this is too hard for, think about the mood of the song and how you know that - ex. “In the part of the song where it gets really low and fast, it's really angry at something.” For all of your music (classical or whatever else,) if there's a title of the song, how is it portrayed in the music? Write at least 200 words.

4. Compare and contrast! Write down five songs that are very similar to the one you chose, and 5 that are like the opposite of your song. Now, write 100+ words on why the similar songs are similar, and 100 words on why the contrasting songs are different.

Random word story. These are my five words::
mastermind
convince
exercise
resource
element

“How are we supposed to beat him? He’s a literal evil mastermind!” Luna yelled, throwing up her hands.
“Calm down,” I said, not sure how I’d convince her we could do this when I couldn’t convince myself. “If we just make a good plan and exercise caution we can–”
“Get ourselves caught. And caged. And-And-” Her face has turned bright red and she has to take a breath between words.
“Stop it. STOP FIGHTING!!” __ suddenly yelled, tears in her eyes. “Please! I just want to save him!!!”
We both looked away. Who knew what was happening to him there? She was right. We had to get him out.
“So what’s the plan? We’ve got no resources, and we’re completely out of our element.” Luna said, cocking an eyebrow at me.
“The plan… the plan is that we bring him to our element. Draw him out.”
“That’ll never work. He’s too cautious.”
“But what if we….”

Okay yeah this makes no sense but yeah basically these are three kids talking to each other and their friend has been uh captured by an evil mastermind (?) lol part of a story idea I'm working on. Also completely random fact:: they're all cryptids and Luna is half werewolf. 156 words.

Lily's SIC Playlist::

- “Beautiful Life” (Abominable Motion Picture Soundtrack) by Bebe Rexa
- “Lost Boy” by Ruth B.
- “Immortals” by Fall Out Boy
- “Two Birds” by Regina Spektor
- “Fix You” by Coldplay
- “Wellerman” by Nathan Evans
- “Edge of Night (pippin's song)” by Billy Boyd
- “Ready as I'll Ever Be” From Tangled the Series
- “Dragon” by Built by Titan

- any songs from The Lightning Thief: Percy Jackson the Musical, But specifically “Tree on the Hill,” “the Day I got Expelled” “The Campfire Song” and “My Grand Plan”… these don't make much sense out of context so I'd suggest listening to all of the songs in order or just watching the musical.
- any disney songs lol

lol these are like really random I have a very weird taste in music but anywayss…..

What I listen to::
- Disney Songs
- The Lightning Theif
- Epic the Musical
- Songs my older sister listened to so I heard them and liked them
- Country Songs that my Mom likes
- Songs my friend suggested
- Random songs I find on the internet (mostly animatics on youtube)

Ughhhh I'm realizing that a lot of songs and musicals I like have some minor swearing/v!olence in them and I wanna put them on here but I know that it needs to be appropriate so I'm not gonna

SWC JULY 2023:: Daily June 2

Words::
- Ensnare
- Apocalyptic/Apocalypse
- Sabotage
- Lagoon
- Cryptozoologist

I stare out the window at the lagoon, wishing that I could go down there. Mom says I can’t today because of some dumb cryptozoologist who’s poking around, asking about sightings and legends and stuff. I don’t care about him, but I do want to keep Silvie safe. Ugh, I miss her so much though. Sucks that my only friend is a… what’s that weird term… “cryptozoological entity.” Or something. She’s just a selkie, it’s not that weird. Well, how about this, I’ll go down to the lagoon and just be reaaaalllllllyyyyyyy careful, right? I mean, it’s not gonna cause an apocalypse if this one guy sees me anyways, as long as no one else sees. Plus, I’m super careful!

I slip into my swimsuit and run down to the beach. I don’t use the path, because mom’s probably set up a garden spell to ensnare me if I try to escape that way. Kinda sucks when your mom’s a garden witch, but I know how to get past her. I dart down to the lagoon and jump into the water. I’m met by a seal almost immediately as I hop up on the rock that’s shielded from the bay. Silvie slides up and transforms to join me, her sealskin dress and black hair dripping.
“Hiiii! You’re late!” She exclaims.
“Yeah, there’s some cryptozoologist poking around. Mom didn’t want me to come down,” I reply, rolling my eyes.
“Those guys are really annoying.”
“OOoo you know what, we should sabotage him!!”
“How?” Silvie asks, a mischievous twinkle in her eyes.
“Ugh, I don’t know… It’d just be fun,”
“Yeah, but your mom would probably be mad, and what if he saw me?” She asks.
I laugh, “You always have to be the logical one, don’t you?”
“Yup, saved your sorry face a LOT,” she says with a grin.
“Too true, too true,” I say and she splashes me.
“Now are we gonna go swimming or not?” She asks.
“Of course!” I say, and we slip off the rock and into the lagoon.

So yeah, I feel okay with it and like it could be a cute story. I don't think that I'd continue it though since I have ideas that I'm prioritizing rn.

Polyphemus - villain or misunderstood hero?

People have believed for many years that the story of Polyphemus and Odysseus in the
Odyssey is simple - handsome, intelligent hero defeats dumb, ugly monster. However, that may not be the case for three reasons: odysseus was trespassing and stealing, so polyphemus had a right to defend his property; polyphemus is a cyclops, thus considered a “monster” so he could easily assume that this hero was going to try to kill him and that he needed to protect himself; and he may have been trying to prove himself to the other cyclops or trying to protect something.

Firstly, Odysseus was at fault. It is widely known that in the Odyssey Odysseus comes to Polyphemus’ island, tresspasses into his cave, and then steals food and sheep without asking who the owner of any of it is. Polyphemus returns to find strangers in his home taking his belongings, and while his response may not seem completely appropriate, it wasn’t without provocation. Many people seem to believe that Polyphemus simply attacked them because he’s a cyclops, but Odysseus was actually the one to provoke the attack. Perhaps if Oddysseus had simply waited for Polyphemus to return, and then asked for the supplies he needed, the story could have gone a lot differently.

Secondly, Polyphemus could have been acting out of self defense. Polyphemus is a cyclops, son of the sea god Poisedon and the sea nymph Thoosa. That makes him a “monster” in ancient greece. Monsters were regularly attacked and killed by heroes seeking fame, and polyphemus may have known cyclopes killed by heroes or been attacked himself in the past, so upon meeting Odysseus, it is easy to see how he would feel threatened and like he needed to protect himself. He would have had no idea what this man would do and then perhaps he decided to simply make the first move to protect himself. However, instead of killing them all he was convinced by Odysseus to wait and eat them one at a time, letting Odysseus have the chance to stab him in the eye and trick him into letting them escape. We will probably never know what may have happened if there wasn’t the existing enmity between their two species.

Lastly, Polyphemus may have been trying to prove himself to his fellow cyclops or may have been protecting something. At the end of the story some other cyclopes come to see why polyphemus is hurt, but since odysseus told him that his name was Nobody, the other cyclops think that Polyphemus is being afflicted by the gods or otherwise, so they will not help him. Polyphemus may have been younger than the others, and in killing the heroes hoping to prove himself to them or he may have wanted to prove himself for another reason. In a book called “The sea of monsters” partially based on greek mythology, Polyphemus has acquired the golden fleece and is trying to stop anyone from stealing it. Who’s to say that it isn’t a similar case in the odyssey? That Polyphemus had nothing worth protecting from the heroes that came to his shores. It could have been anything between a magical artifact, himself, his property, his home, or even other cyclops. Maybe he even had a child he wanted to protect.

In conclusion, it is most likely that no one will ever know the true intentions of the characters of the Odyssey - history is always written by the victors, after all. But it seems that it’s perfectly plausible that Polyphemus may not have been the villain he’s made out to be - or that Odysseus is the hero so many people love.

613 words!

Twists:: The world changes colors depending on the emotions in that area // Everyone is a cat.
Media: “Open Arms” by Jorge Rivera Herrans, also partially based on the animatic by mɪrtʃi on youtube for like what they're doing
1500 words

——————
A SWC BI-FI FANFIC OF “OPEN ARMS” BY JORGE RIVERA HERRANS

Odysseus and I walk through the jungle, and he pushes past a fern. My ears flick back and forth to capture all the strange sounds that surround us. The air feels humid and tense. I can see the world tinging blue with Odysseus’ anxiety, and his ears are flicking around, hairs raised on his neck. He’s nervous and failing to hide it.
“You can relax, my friend,” I say, coming up beside him and bumping him with my shoulder.
“What?” He says, giving me a sideways look with his bright green eyes. I flick my tail back and forth as I pad in front of him to look him in the eyes.
“I can tell you’re getting nervous, so do yourself a service, and please, try to relax!” I tell him. He rolls his eyes at me. I can see the world turning red-orange with his annoyance. Well, too bad!
“I’m fine, Polites!” He says, pushing me away with his paw with a growl and an angry tail flick. I roll my eyes right back at him. I’ve known him too long for him to fool me, I mean we’ve spent ten years fighting this war together!
“Think of everything we’ve been through! Stop worrying, I know we’re gonna survive what we get into!” I start running through the forest, which turns yellow with my… excitement?
“H-heyy!” He yells, “Come back!”

I stop in the middle of a log crossing a river, laughing. I grin, flicking my tail back and forth. He skids to a stop just in front of it, claws extended, shaking a little. Indigo fear is tinging his surroundings.
“I know that you’re tired of all the war and bloodshed, tell me is this how we’re supposed to live?” I ask him, prancing backwards, grinning at the yellow colour. Yellow makes me happy, and being happy makes it yellow. It’s the perfect cycle!
“Polites–” he starts.
“Look at how you’re ready to fight, you’re claws out, ears back…” I shake my head and grin again. Can’t let the blue in. Gotta stay yellow. “Enough said! Why should we take when we can give??”
I ran forward, pulling him out onto the log. He immediately slips with a surprised hiss and I grab him. He digs his claws into the wood, our combined fear tinting the world dark purple.
“You can show a person that you trust them when you stop and lower your guard,” I continue with a wink, as if nothing had happened. Trying to pretend nothing happened. Trying to keep the yellow. “Here we have a chance to change how you think! Give it a try, it’s not that hard!!” I shout, looking down.
“Polites!” He warns, the purple spiking, just before I push us both off the log. Whistling past us, the wind fills my ears and whips away whatever Odysseus tried to angrily yell at me… or his screaming. We land with a splash in the water and I’m immediately soaked through. Odysseus’ combined anger, fear, and annoyance are turning the world red and violet. In hindsight, that was probably a bad idea… Now he’s mad at me. I gotta smooth things over, but… point proven!! I climb out and pull him up the bank.

“I’m telling you…” I say as we break into a clearing, and I leave him behind, wet and sulking in his blue while I dance forward, pushing into the bright yellow and marveling in the sun and the grass and the peace, without the sounds and sights of the battlefield.
“This life is amazing, when you greet it with open arms!” I tell him as I prance back, to see him slashing fearfully at a butterfly. “Whatever we face, we’ll be fine if we’re leading from the heart!” I jump between them and the butterfly lands on my nose. I give Odysseus a knowing smile and push my nose up so that the butterfly soars away.
“No matter the place, we can light up the world,” I say, staring after it in a pool of pink, then turn back to Odysseus and his purple-red-blue cloud of anxiety and anger. “Here’s how to start…” I tell him, gently putting my paws on top of his, hoping to will some peace into him. I press my forehead to his, and he relaxes.
“Greet the world with open paws, greet the world with open paws!!” I say, spreading my paws out, and grinning in the bright yellow. Odysseus hints at a smile, even if it’s just at my “naiveness” or “sillyness”
“Welcome,” a menacing voice whispers, and the world turns deep purple.

Odysseus spins around, slashing the air in front of him, ears back and tail thrashing. Dark shapes with glinting eyes surround us.
“Stay back!” Odysseus yells, ready to attack, shoulders shaking and fur standing on end. I’m scared too but… we’re never going to get anywhere like this.
“Odysseus…” I say, turning to press my paw to his shoulder, “Greet the world with open paws.”
He doesn’t relax, but at least he doesn’t attack.
“We’re only here for food,” he says, warily. Watching.
“Food…” one of them echoes, and Odysseus spins towards it with a soft hiss.
“Six hundred of our friends are waiting for us to come back!” He says, wary and angry. His emotions tinging the world deep shades of purple, red, and blue. I’ve seen too much of these colours lately. One steps forward, and Odysseus spins again, so that we’re back to back. I press my side against his.
“Stay back, I’m warning you!” he yells, ears back. He seems angry, but the overpowering purple betrays his fear. Or maybe it’s my fear changing the shades of our surroundings.
“If we don’t get back safely, my friends will turn this place into blazes! They’ll set it all-”
“Here you go!” The strangers say, holding up a bowl of strange fruit. Bright green shock and confusion are overpowered by the yellow of my happiness at seeing real fresh fruit.
“SEE?” I tell Odysseus, grinning as I grab one and start prancing between the strangers, waving my tail high in the air as I call back to him “This life is amazing, when you greet it with open paws!” I continue forward, ignoring him as I revel in the bright, golden yellows and oranges of my excitement.
“Whatever we face, we’ll be fine if we’re leading from the heart!” I yell at no one and everyone. “No matter where we are, we’ll light up the world. Here's how to start: greet the world with open paws,” I say as I slow down. “Greet the world with open paws.”
I curl my tail around my paws as I prepare to take a bite of my fruit, when Odysseus grabs my paw and pulls me away from the strangers.
“Polites, I wish I could say that I agree with you… but look at the way this fruit is glowing and filled with glowing seeds!” He cracks open my fruit, worried purples spiking around us as he shows me.
“Yeah, so?” I try to ask, but he interrupts me.
“It took me a while to notice the type of fruit that they’re eating. It’s a Lotus, it’ll control your mind and never let you free.” He tells me, dropping it. “That’s what we’d get with open arms…” he mutters, padding away with tail down. I can’t tell if the war of colours in our surroundings are disappointment, anger at each other, or anger at ourselves. Arg, I have to fix this! I pad back to the strangers… I still don’t really think they mean us harm.

“Lotus eaters…” I start, not sure what else to call them. “I… I’d like to show my friend that kindness is brave. Can you tell us where there’s um… other food… to eat?” I finish hesitantly.
“A cave.” They saw in their kinda creepy way. I’m immediately reenergized.
“A CAVE!” I shout. “You’re saying there’s a cave where we can eat?” They nod and the surroundings’ colours lighten back to orange and yellow.
“And where do we sail to find this cave?” I ask them.
“East!” they reply.
“Thank you,” I whisper the world tinging pink with my joy and their kindness.
“Welcome!” They say, and I move away, back to stand beside Odysseus, my fur ruffling in the wind.
“This life is amazing, when you greet it with open paws…” I say, almost to myself, then glance at odysseus’ guilty expression. “I see in your face that there’s so much guilt inside your heart,” He looks surprised and attempts to school his expression. I turn to him with a soft smile.
“So why not replace it and light up the world… Here's how to start: Greet the world with open paws, greet the world with open paws.”
“Greet the world with open paws…” he murmurs.
“You can relax my friend,” I say.
————–

Between the dashed lines (——-) is 1500 words that I wrote. However, I based this peace off of the song “Open Arms,” so much of the dialogue is lines from the song, or edited lines. The dialogue lines below are copy pasted from the piece above, and they are the lines that are pretty much the actual lines in the song that were used, not the lines that were added or rephrased. They add up to 365 words.

You can relax, my friend,
I can tell you’re getting nervous, so do yourself a service, and try to relax
I’m fine, Polites
I know that you’re tired of the war and bloodshed, tell me is this how we’re supposed to live
“Enough said! Why should we take when we can give??”
“You can show a person that you trust them when you stop and lower your guard,”
Give it a try, it’s not that hard!!”
“I’m telling you…”
“This life is amazing, when you greet it with open arms!”
“Whatever we face, we’ll be fine if we’re leading from the heart!”
“No matter the place, we can light up the world,”
“Here’s how to start…”
“Greet the world with open , greet the world with open!!”
“Welcome!”
“Stay back!”
“Greet the world with ope.”
“We’re only here for food,”
“Food…”
“Stay back, I’m warning you!”
“If we don’t get back safely, my friends will turn this place into blazes!
“Here you go!”
“SEE?”
“This life is amazing, when you greet it with open!”
“Whatever we face, we’ll be fine if we’re leading from the heart!”
“No matter where we are, we’ll light up the world. Here's how to start: greet the world with open Greet the world with open.”
I wish I could say that I agree ….. but look at the way this fruit is glowing and filled with glowing seeds!”
“It took me a while to notice ….. It’s a Lotus, it’ll control your mind and never let you free. That’s what we’d get with open arms…”
“Lotus eaters, I’d like to show my friend that kindness is brave. Can you tell us where there’s other food to eat?”.
“A cave.”
“A CAVE!” “You’re saying there’s a cave where we can eat?” “And where do we sail to find this cave?”
“East!”
“Thank you,”
“Welcome!”
“This life is amazing, when you greet it with open … I see in your face that there’s so much guilt inside your heart, So why not replace it and light up the world… Here's how to start: Greet the world with open, greet the world with open.”
“Greet the world with open…”
“You can relax my friend,”

Painting smoothie
Our Painting Smoothies are smooth and colourful with many swirls of the different colours of the paintings used to create them. The colours make a pattern almost like how the beautiful paints look on paper. They have the many complimentary combined tastes of woodiness from the frame, paper or canvas, and the various paints, making a delicious mixture. It’s especially good when you add in glass chips for some of that extra good crunchy texture. It is easy to make and it comes in many flavours, including watercolour, acrylic, gouache, and multimedia, as well as Frame-Free, Glass-Free, All Natural and Vegan! You can also get the special versions including brushes and pallets for a limited time only. The Painting Smoothie Museum has just opened, and it is allowing everyone to enjoy these culinary masterpieces for free for the next year. Some conditions may apply. You too can become one of the many, many people who enjoy the variety and joy that these smoothies give to their consumers. Be the first to try out new flavours, sign up for smoothie testing today and earn a free raise! No one has ever said that they do not like painting smoothies, they are culinary masterpieces!!

204 words

How Long ~ an original song by @lilyjen

Yesterday, everything was fine.
We were together, having a great time.
Ice cream at the beach,
And happiness in my reach,
Nothing went wrong, and I was okay.
Just a perfect normal day.

But how long until the end. When I break will I still be your friend?

Cause, when the dam breaks, what will I say,
Can’t hurt you like I did the other day.
Hold it in, hold it back.
Don’t let anything slip through the cracks.

Today everything was okay,
Just us and the gang, everything went our way,
Swimming at the pool, then mcd’s for a meal,
Seems like it was the perfect deal
But I was so scared that I would explode,
It’s so hard to bear this load alone oooooh

How long until the end. When I break will I still be your friend?

Cause, when the dam breaks, what will I say,
I can’t hurt you like I did the other day.
Hold it in, hold it back.
Don’t let anything slip through the cracks.

But I’m so tired of hiding how I feel,
Feel like you know a me that’s not real
What would I say if I told you today?
Too scared to, afraid you’d run away…

But how long until the end. When I break will I still be your friend?

Tomorrow, everything might be great,
We could go out and we could stay up late,
Movies at the theater, popcorn and snacks,
Just having fun, no looking back,
But I’ve got so many emotions bottled up,
What if they escape and you decide that I’m to much?

OOoh how long until the end. When I break will I still be your friend?

Cause, when the dam breaks, what will I say, Can’t hurt you like I did the other day.
Hold it in, hold it back.
Don’t let anything slip through the cracks.

Hold it in, hold it back.
Don’t let anything slip through the cracks.

Okay this is…. interesting xD. Basically it's about a character who hides her emotions and is afraid that her friend won't like her anymore if he sees what an emotional and mental wreck she really is… technically they could be any gender but I think of them as the singer a girl and her friend a boy, and they're teenagers, but they aren't dating? random song backstory xD

Not autobiographical… tho I wish I had icecream yesterday :0

Critiquaire Piece:: a little context, this is part of a novel I'm writing. The character who's POV it's from is named Kay, she's a 13yo girl and the boy is Luca, an 11yo boy. They both have magical amulets that give them special powers - Kay's is purple and allows her to turn invisible so far, possibly also unable to hear/intangible, while Luca's is blue and gives him power over electricity. The are both on the run from an Organization called the Hand. Kay was betrayed by her best friend, Mica, so she doesn't want to trust anybody. Luca destroyed his whole village and everyone died when he wore his amulet for the first time, so he's basically terrified of it and himself now poor kiddo. This is their first meeting.
—————————–

The boy doesn’t know that I’m watching him. He’s sitting on the shore of the lake, crying. His arms are wrapped around his knees, which are pulled up to his chest, his head against them. Sobs wracked his skinny body. I guess he’s around nine or ten. He has spiky bright red hair and pale skin. I’ve never seen anyone who looks like him. I should move on. I don’t know why I’ve spent so long watching him. His problems aren’t my problems. But… for the first time in I don’t know how long, I feel something other than hate or fear or indifference to another human. I actually feel sympathy for him. His sobs finally begin to lessen, as if there aren’t any left. He wipes his eyes and stands up, something clenched in his left fist. He holds it over the water, his hand shaking. He slowly uncurls his clenched fingers, to reveal an electric blue stone with a silver chain. I inch closer. The stone begins to pulse slightly with a pale light. He stares at it. I move closer to get a better view, and the pulse grows brighter. I feel a warmth against my chest, and pull out my amulet. A dark purple gem on a silver chain. It’s pulsing too. I step forward again. I’m so startled by the sound of my foot on the gravel of the beach. He spins around. “Wh-Who’s there?” He asks shakily. He heard me! No one’s heard me for… I wonder if he can see me. I see my hand start to shimmer. And I realize he can see me. I’ll let him see me. I shimmer into view. He yelps and steps backwards, his electric blue eyes wide. He looks like a cornered animal.
“Stay back!” He yells, surprising me.
“Stay back, stay away from me!” He says, his voice breaking. He takes a step backwards into the water.
“Stay away, go away before-before-before-” his voice cracks. He stumbles backwards, his whole body shaking, with terror or exertion or cold I don’t know. He seems genuinely scared, though not of me.
“You have to get away before I - I- I- before it happens again!” He says. He’s clutching the amulet in his hand so hard his knuckles are white.
“Please! Please…” He whispers. He takes a step back. He’s waist deep in the water.
“Hey, it’s okay,” I say.
“No it’s n-n-nottt! Go away before I hurt you too!”
“What?” I say. He takes another step backwards and disappears under the water. Drop off. Before I quite knew what I was doing I ran into the water and dived in after him. I grab his skinny wrist. I drag him up, and lay him, coughing, on the sand. Suddenly, a bright white glow appears. I look down to see our two amulets touching. They stop glowing.

—————————– Edited piece using Critiques from @legocookie6 +110 words

The boy doesn’t know that I’m watching him. He’s sitting on the shore of the lake, crying. His arms are wrapped around his knees, which are pulled up to his chest, his head laid on them. Sobs wrack his skinny body. I guess he’s around nine or ten. He has spiky bright red hair and pale skin. I’ve never seen anyone who looks like him. I should move on. I don’t know why I’ve spent so long watching him. His problems aren’t my problems. And I have plenty of problems. But… for the first time in I don’t know how long, I feel something other than hate or fear or indifference to another human. I actually feel sympathy for him.

His sobs finally begin to lessen, as if there aren’t any left. He wipes his eyes and stands up shakily, something clenched in his left fist. He holds it out over the water, his hand shaking as he slowly uncurls his clenched fingers to reveal an electric blue stone on a silver chain. I inch closer. The stone begins to pulse slightly with a pale light. He stares at it. I move closer again to get a better view, and the pulse grows brighter. I feel a warmth against my chest, and pull out my amulet. A dark purple gem on a silver chain. It’s pulsing too. I’ve never seen it do this before. I step forward again, out of the trees. I’m so startled by the sound of my foot on the gravel of the beach that I gasp, a soft woosh of escaping air. He spins around.
“Wh-Who’s there?” He asks shakily. He heard me! No one’s heard me for… I wonder if he can see me. I see my hand start to shimmer, realizing that he can see me. I’ll let him see me. I shimmer into view. He yelps and steps backwards, his electric blue eyes wide. He looks like a cornered animal.
“Stay back!” He yells, surprising me.
“Stay back, stay away from me!” He repeats, his voice breaking. He takes a step backwards into the water.
“Stay away, go away before-before-before-” his voice cracks. He stumbles backwards, his whole body shaking, with terror or exertion or cold I don’t know. He seems genuinely scared, though for some reason I get the feeling he isn’t afraid of me.
“You have to get away before I- I- I- before it happens again!” He says. He’s clutching the amulet in his hand so hard his knuckles are white.
“Please! Please…” He whispers. He takes a step back, now waist deep in the water.
“Hey, it’s okay,” I say.
“No it’s n-n-nottt! Go away before I hurt you too!”
“What?” I ask, confused. How would he hurt me? He takes another step backwards and disappears under the water. Drop off.

Before I quite know what I’m doing I ran into the water and dove in after him. I barely notice the sudden freezing cold as I peer ahead of me through the clear, dark water, spotting a flash of white. I grab his skinny wrist and drag him up, out of the water to lay him, coughing, on the sand. He curls to his side and coughs up water as I kneel beside him, not sure what to do. I brush my wet hair out of my eyes as I watch his pale face. Suddenly, a bright white glow appears. I look down to see our two amulets connected. There’s a brighter flash, and they stop glowing.

Critiquaire for @legocookies6
Piece: A Canvas Stained Crimson, 675 words

First of all, omygosh this is actually so good like I want to read the rest of this novel. I love how you make the character so… relateable. Like I don't even know their name, gender, nothing, all I know is that they're a murderer and yet I still… like them? the magic of writing xD. I love the repeats, it definitely gives the vibes of someone holding onto their dreams but also perhaps their sanity, and then at the end it changes and i'm like, so sad for her… Idk why she's a girl, she just is in my mind xD. I'm going to go through it bit by bit like you did for mine btw.

The paintbrush sits untouched on the highest shelf above my desk. No matter how hard I try to forget its existence, my eyes always travel to that shelf before I leave my small, single-room apartment.
I know I should throw it away, as I have the rest of my dreams. But every time I want to, something inside of me makes my entire body freeze.

This is really good set up… I already feel like I'm starting to understand this character that lost their dreams. Very good at pulling the audience in with the first words, that's important to your story.

No matter how hard I try, a part of me still clings to my past self- clings to the hope that there’s still a chance I’ll one day fulfill my dreams.

For this the part “to my past self- clings to” seems a bit off, I was slightly confused when I read it the first time. Generally I would write it as “to my past self. Clings to” instead, but you can choose to use dashes as your style for this piece.

It’s stupid, I know. Someone who has fallen as low as I have has no hope of retribution. But I sometimes still like to imagine things were different.
I grab my knife from the desk, securing it in the sheath at my hip. I imagine it is a paintbrush dipping itself into a fresh jar of paint. As I leave my apartment, I stop to glance at the highest shelf- the paintbrush hidden in the shadows. I repeat a phrase several times in my head.
I am an artist, and the world is my canvas.

mmm now we're getting a bit more context. Their an assasin. But I also love the relatibility of them trying to imagine themselves somewhere else. And we get “the phrase” introduced!

Then, without another backward glance, I leave. The hallway is dim, the floorboards uneven. The plastered drywall cadet gray and cracked. I ignore all of this as I hurry through, barely breathing until I make it outside.
I am an artist, and the world is my canvas.
A cold gust of wind bites at my face as I take huge gulps of fresh air. I glance at the information from my client, projected from a small handheld device. The projection casts a robin-egg blue glow around me, breaking through the evening shadows.

Beautiful descriptions! I can picture the setting pretty well. And there's that repetition of “the phrase” again.

My target: an old man, sixty years of age. His hair is blanc de blanc and his eyes are Carolina blue. I know where I’ll find him.

I don't know what Blanc de blanc means but I assume blonde - if this is incorrect you may want to change that, but it does add to the vibe. Good description, and I love that last centence. very in the assasin aspect.

The park, which is covered in shadows, is eerily silent except for the sound of the wind rustling the leaves in the trees. I stick to the path, trying to seem like a normal person taking an evening stroll.
I am an artist, and the world is my canvas.
I am searching for my canvas, I tell myself. But, who am I kidding?

More descriptions and canvas comments illuding to mental instability … not something to be happy about unless your the author xD

The old man is walking towards me now, whistling a strange tune. He holds up one hand in greeting and smiles. “Lovely evening, am I right?”
I swallow the bile in my throat and force myself to nod. At the same time, my hand moves towards my sheath.
The old man catches the movement and frowns. “Ah, so they’ve finally sent someone to do their dirty work, haven’t they?”
I have no idea why my client wants this old man killed. Neither do I care. My artwork is the only thing keeping me alive.

The interaction is simple but interesting. I like the character we get from the mysterious man in these few sentences, and the extra context for our assasin.

I am an artist, and the world is my canvas.
I take my paintbrush from the jar of paint and slash at the canvas with bold strokes.
The old man lets out a startled cry. His legs give out and he sinks to the ground, his face twisting into a heartbreaking smile.
My hands start to shake as I remember that there isn’t a paintbrush in my hand, but a knife. The knife slips from my grasp, clanging onto the pavement. I see a flash of silver as the moonlight reflects onto the blade.
And crimson, so much crimson.
I take a step back as if to examine my masterpiece from a different angle. Carolina blue eyes void of life; crimson blood everywhere.
I retch as I realize that my fingertips are stained crimson as well. It’s ironic how it almost looks like paint.
I am an artist, and the world is my canvas.
My dream of being an artist sticks with me, even though I know it’ll never come true. The only medium I’ll ever be able to paint with is blood.
I sink to the ground, ignoring the wind that sends chills throughout my body
I am not an artist, and the world isn’t my canvas.

ahhh what do I say? The description, the imagery, the violence without being too gory… all very good. That metaphors and insanity coming up, and more sympathy for the poor MC.

Overall very very good piece, my only general suggestion would be to read through it out loud to check your comma placement/other, and maybe write it in paragraphs? I understand if it's a stylistic choice, but you could write it in more pararaph form and it would give those italicized statements on their own line more weight – more like::

The paintbrush sits untouched on the highest shelf above my desk. No matter how hard I try to forget its existence, my eyes always travel to that shelf before I leave my small, single-room apartment. I know I should throw it away, as I have the rest of my dreams. But every time I want to, something inside of me makes my entire body freeze. No matter how hard I try, a part of me still clings to my past self- clings to the hope that there’s still a chance I’ll one day fulfill my dreams. It’s stupid, I know. Someone who has fallen as low as I have has no hope of retribution. But I sometimes still like to imagine things were different.

I grab my knife from the desk, securing it in the sheath at my hip. I imagine it is a paintbrush dipping itself into a fresh jar of paint. As I leave my apartment, I stop to glance at the highest shelf- the paintbrush hidden in the shadows. I repeat a phrase several times in my head.
I am an artist, and the world is my canvas.
Then, without another backward glance, I leave. The hallway is dim, the floorboards uneven. The plastered drywall cadet gray and cracked. I ignore all of this as I hurry through, barely breathing until I make it outside.
I am an artist, and the world is my canvas.

Critique for @silverlynx-
Piece: The Secret of Life, 381 words

So first of all, it's a very good piece. I really like how much detail you go into with all your descriptions without making it seem too slow. It was interesting to read and kept my focus, and the first sentences did a good job of pulling the reader in, which is important for a writing piece. Now I'm going to go through it in pieces giving commentary to specific parts. Your writing will be qouted like this:

qoute

From the depths of the rivers and forests and jungles rose a great tree, tougher than everything and anything, mightier even than the king of the jungle, the lion. Surrounded by swirling rivers and rustling reeds, a bud grew. More and more followed until the tree was dripping with them.

So as I mentioned above, great descriptiveness and opening sentence. However, when you say a bug grew, it's a little confusing as to whether it's a flower on the ground, something growing on the tree like a vine, or the trees buds. You may want to say something like: surrounded by swirling rivers and rustling reeds, a bug began to grow on the trees branch; or something like that to be clear that this is the fruit of the tree.

Slowly, the first bud began to open up. It grew more and more, until inside it lay a glimmering seed. Blue and turquoise lit the crystal clear pod, so beautiful to even the most laborious person. On the raging river came a man in a boat, with a bag filled with treasures to the very brim. He passed the tree on its little island and saw the seeds. He pulled out a blade, elongated like a crescent moon and looked in sheer delight at the glimmering seeds before him. But instead of thinking of the life they could produce, he thought of the money and fame that he would recieve.

Okay, again, amazing descriptions! for the first two sentences, I might say “The bud began to open up as it grew, revealing a that inside it lay” or something along those lines to make it a smoother transition. I would also say “blue and turquoise light lit” instead of just lit, because that's also slightly confusing for me.

So he took the seeds and stuffed them in every little nook and cranny in his sack. His spiteful eyes glittered coldly as he stole his way through the sun-touched waters. Many days it took for him to reach his hometown, but when he did, fame was bestowed upon him.

This is good, I might add some description to the town here.

A young child with her mother passed him with his seeds laid out on a blanket. She leapt in excitement and managed to get a seed. She then found out that it was an egg, waiting to hatch, so in the gap between her waist and legs, her mother put a cage. Another boy got this done too, and they played together happily.

I would put their names in here instead, such as “a young child, serena, and her mother” and “another boy, matthew.” You might also want to add a description of the child before she has the cage, because people who have not seen the comment may not understand what you mean by “the gap between her waist and legs,” as well as maybe saying her chest and legs since that's more what it looks like to me, but interpret it however you want! You may want to say birdcage instead of cage and indicate that the egg is inside it. The introduction of the boy is a little choppy to me, you could say something like “she met a boy who also had a birdcage and egg” or something like that.

Time passed, and the birds hatched and the two children grew. They sang a sweet song and the children soon found themselves adults with a baby.

The first sentence is fine, but the second one is a bit confusing. For example, when you say “they” I'm not sure whether you mean the birds or children, and just saying they found themselves adults with a baby… I would indicate that they are married instead, such as “the two friends soon married and had a child” or something like that.

The birds carried on growing, as did the children, now adults, Serena and Matthew.

Again, “the children, now adults”. instead, maybe say “the couple.” And we've known them for about three paragraphs and you only introduce their names now, which is a little strange and in this case a bit choppy with the sentence you have.

Eventually, Serena was a grandmother, and the bird was edging its way out of the cage.

And again, “eventually, serena was a grandmother” is strange… maybe say “years passed, and serena became a grandmother” which makes more sense.

So Serena travelled far away, and stroked her bird, which she had named Solna after her mother, for the last time. Solne spread her beautiful blue and purple wings and took off, looking back at Serena, singing the song that was to be known as the Secret of Life.

Tying it off with a simple and beautiful ending is great!

So, overall, great job! The only real thing I found was the way you chose to show the passing of time/age. Your descriptions are beautiful and detailed, just be aware that it and your word choice gives it a very different feel from other writing, which is fine if it's a stylistic choice and actually very cool, I just want you to be aware of that . One other suggestion would be to read your piece aloud, this isn't about your piece it's just a general editing thing that can help with the flow and see if things make sense. Your writing is amazing and I hope that there's some helpful advice here!

Daily July 11: 266 words

You open your eyes, finding yourself lying on a grassy hill near a tall pine tree. A boy is lying beside you. You shake his shoulder as you try to remember how you got here, and he lets out a sound like a goat as he jerks upright. He gives a relieved sigh as he looks around, and you turn away from the tree and the top of the hill to see what he’s looking at. Before you is a beautiful valley ringed in wooded hills that meets the ocean directly ahead of you. A stream winds through the trees and meets a crystal clear lake with a dock and canoes. There are strawberry fields and a three story blue house as well, but what catches your eye are the other buildings. A greek amphitheatre, pavilion, and arena for starters, as well as twelve odd-looking buildings. One is blood red, another is silver, and two are huge with white columns out front. Two figures run up the hill towards you.

“Are you guys okay?” The first asks, a girl with shoulder-length dark brown hair and freckles smattered across her nose wearing a leather breastplate. The other, a girl with light brown braids, a bow, and a quiver of arrows on her back pulls the boy to his feet.
“I’m fine,” he replies, and they turn to you.
“Um… I’m alright I guess. Where am I?” you ask them.
“I’m Lily, this is Elaine, and this is Sage,” The brown haired girl replies, pointing to the other two.
“Welcome to Camp Halfblood!” Elaine says with a grin.

Fanfiction Cabin intro based on Percy Jackson and the Olympians.

DAILY 15, Adventure Voyage SWC July 2023 musical fanfic:

The Story of…. Adventure (as a musical script)

Scene 1:
Beginning, 7am, at the dock
*curtains raise to show a bunch of people standing on a wooden dock near some ships*
*Young girl enters from stage right, staring at ships*
Song 1: “Now what?”
YOU, spoken: “Whoah”
YOU, sung: “Well, this is it. I’m really here.”
*you looks around*
YOU, sung: “So now what?”
ALL, sung: “The note said”
*begins to sing and walk up the stairs and across the dock*
YOU, sung: “Come to the dock tomorrow.”
ALL, sung: “At 7am”
YOU, sung: “I’m at the dock, it’s tomorrow,”
ALL, sung: “At 7am”
YOU, sung: “I got up early, because it’s tomorrow”
ALL, sung: “At 7am”
YOU, sung: “Rushed to docks, it’s tomorrow”
ALL, sung: “At 7am”
YOU, sung: “So now what?”
*Stops walking*

End of scene 1 (audience claps briefly)

Scene 2:
Introductions, 7am, on the dock and ship
*Rockie enters from behind ship*
*YOU and ensemble gathers around her*
ROCKIE, spoken: “Welcome to the Adventure Voyage! I’m your leader, Rockie and
I’m so excited to get to know all of you.”
*Rockie turns and walks towards the largest ship, ensemble follows*
Dock set piece rolls away, ship turns so that the deck is visible and Aurora appears
*Aurora drops a rope ladder off the side of the ship and Rockie climbs up. Ensemble follows*
AURORA, spoken: “Ahoy! I’m Aurora, Rockie’s first mate.”
*Ensemble whispers and looks around curiously*
Song 2: “Late for Fate”
*Rockie steps forward, places a foot on the wheel*
ROCKIE, sung: “Now you must be wondering why you’re here.”
*swings down*
ALL, spoken: “yes”
ROCKIE, sung: “Well then let me tell you why you’re here”
ROCKIE, sung: “We’re going on a voyage”
ALL, sung: “Going on a voyage”
ROCKIE, sung: “And it’s gonna be hard”
ALL, sung: “Gonna be hard”
ROCKIE, sung: “So we better be ready”
ALL, sung: “for anything”
ROCKIE, sung: “We’re gonna face many challenges”
ALL, sung: “Challenges”
ROCKIE, sung: “And we’ll brave many dangers”
YOU, spoken: “Danger?”
*Rockie turns around*
ROCKIE, sung: “Yes, dangers. But don’t. You. wor. Ry!”
*Rockie spins around*
ROCKIE, sung: “Because you’ve got me. And you’ve got each other. And we’re heroes. Heroes.”
YOU, spoken: “But I’m not a hero?”
ROCKIE, sung: “You must be wondering why you’re here, then.”
YOU, spoken: “Yes.”
ROCKIE, sung: “Because you can be anything. ANd you don’t know it yet. But you’re gonna be heroessssss. You’re gonna be great. And we better get going now, ‘Cause we don’t wanna be late”
YOU, spoken: “Late for what?”
ROCKIE, sung: “LATE FOR DESTINY, LATE FOR FATE,”
ROCKIE, sung: “AND WE BETTER GET GOING NOW, CAUSE WE DON”T WANNA BE LATE.”
*Aurora joins in*
AURORA, sung: “You may not feel ready now, but you can be great.”
ROCKIE, sung: “Yes, you can be great.”
AURORA, sung: “And you’re gonna be heroes, even if you don’t know it yet. Because we’re on a voyage. And we’re setting sail right now, cause you’ve been chosen, even if you don’t know how.”
ROCKIE, sung: “And if you’re afraid.”
AURORA, sung: “That’s all right.”
ALL, sung: “That’s all right.”
YOU, sung: “Because we’ve got you, and we’ve got each other.”
ALL, sung: “Yes, we’ve got each other.”
YOU, sung: “AND WE”RE GONNA BE HEROESSS, even if I don’t know how, we’re gonna be heroes.”
ROCKIE, sung: “So we better get going now.”
ALL, sung: “‘Cause we don’t wanna be late”
ROCKIE, sung: “LATE FOR DESTINY”
YOU, sung: “LATE FOR FATE,”
ROCKIE, sung: “AND WE BETTER GET GOING NOW, CAUSE WE DON”T WANNA BE LATE.”
ALL, sung: “NO, WE DON”T WANNA BE LATE.”
ROCKIE, sung: “No, we don’t wanna be late.”
ROCKIE, spoken: “So are you heroes ready for the adventure of a lifetime?”
*All cheer*
Boat begins to move away from dock.
YOU, sung: “THEN we better get going now”
ALL, sung: “‘Cause we don’t wanna be late!”
ROCKIE, sung: “No, we don’t wanna be late.”
ROCKIE, sung: “LATE FOR DESTINY”
YOU, sung: “LATE FOR FATE,”
ROCKIE, sung: “AND WE BETTER GET GOING NOW, CAUSE WE DON”T WANNA BE LATE.”
ALL, sung: “WE DON”T WANNA BE LATE.”
ALL, sung: “WE DON”T WANNA BE LAAAAATE.”
YOU, sung: “Nooooo, we don’t wanna be late.”

End of Introduction

(**NOTE:: “YOU” is technically insert your name here, since it's based off our cabin, but YOU is also technically written as me. This is largely based on our cabin story snippet. ALL is usually ensemble but also can include you, rockie, and aurora. The songs were literally written as I went along so um… yeah the songs are literally off the top of my head so they're kinda bad xD.)

Distopian-Sci-fi-Fantasy story (yes this is what I call it xD)

This story takes place on the Planet Eclectis, a planet that earthens settled about 200 years ago. It is home to a species of native people, the Ec’li, who are a semi-aquatic, blue warrior tribe that is very intune with nature (AND NO, THIS IS NOT AVATAR). They have powers do to this relationship that allow them to manipulate a force that can be used in ways simaler to earthen electricity but also has it's own special…. properties.

The story takes place after a rebellion where a group of oppressed, lower class rebels decide to overthrow the people in power, getting rid of most of the noble families, destroying and pillaging much of the city, and appointing their own new government that claims to serve the people but is actually a dictatorship. The leader follows false pretenses of sharing the new role of leader with his co-leaders, but slowly begins to control them and eventually desposes of them when they no longer serve his purposes, becoming sole dictator of Eclectis and severing the connections with the dying planet earth.

During the night of the rebellion, the daughter of an important official, named Katerina, escapes her home before it's blown up and is rescued by a revolutionary who didn’t know what she was signing up for, Ester, a rogue android. Ester is Katerina's long-lost friend, an extremely advanced AI who ran away when she found out she was going to be reprogrammed. The two unite with a street-girl with strange powers, Emilia, who is the sister that Katerina didn't know she had because Emilia was experimented on as a baby, which gave her her powers, but was abandoned because of them, and an Ec’li boy, T'chay, who escaped from the labs where he was being held in the confusion of the attack, as well as a mysterious boy who always wears a suit of armour named X. They attempt to escape the city, reunite T’chay with his tribe, help Emilia control her budding powers, reconcile Emilia, Ester, and Katerina, deal with the **possible romances** between Emilia and T’chay as well as katerina/ester and X, and then overthrow the government and put X on the throne after finding out that he is the true heir to Eclectis.

Anyways, the two begginning options are either to begin it with the night of the revolution, then add backstory, or to do some setup with the characters, for example show T'chay at the lab, Emilia surviving on the streets, Ester joining the revolution, Katerina being a pampered rich brat living her life, X…. doing secret mysterious X stuff >, etc., then go into how they all meet. Hmm, at this point I'm really leaning towards my original plan because I feel like I have a lot more fun adding backstory after xD.

And this all has very complicated culture, character relationships and backstories, and history and um… yeah…

For the Bi-daily- Luca and Kay meet piece.

For a little context of why I picked this/my style: This is a piece that I wrote a while ago and recently got a critiquaire that was very helpful to make some edits, so I feel like it's a pretty up-to-date example of my style. It's also a piece I really like, which I feel is important. Stylistically this is the format my writing usually takes– paragraphs that are seperated by an empty line, dialogue with a new line when switching characters and three spaces before, and dialogue shown using “these marks around it,” etc. so it's accurate in that way. Keep in mind that this is a very… dramatic scene, and the characters are being a bit vague, and they've just met, so some things are slightly different due to that, then, say, a calm conversation between two besties where one is telling the other all about the summer camp she just went to. But I guess that's obvious? Anyways, have fun and I can't wait to see the finished product if you're willing to share!

For a little context on the piece: this is part of a novel I'm writing. The character who's POV it's from is named Kay, she's a 13yo girl and the boy is Luca, an 11yo boy. They both have magical amulets that give them special powers - Kay's is purple and allows her to turn invisible so far, while Luca's is blue and gives him power over electricity. The are both on the run from an Organization called the Hand. Kay was betrayed by her best friend, Mica, so she doesn't want to trust anybody. Luca destroyed his whole village and everyone died when he wore his amulet for the first time, so he's basically terrified of it and himself now poor kiddo. This is their first meeting.

The boy doesn’t know that I’m watching him. He’s sitting on the shore of the lake, crying. His arms are wrapped around his knees, which are pulled up to his chest, his head laid on them. Sobs wrack his skinny body. I guess he’s around nine or ten. He has spiky bright red hair and pale skin. I’ve never seen anyone who looks like him. I should move on. I don’t know why I’ve spent so long watching him. His problems aren’t my problems. And I have plenty of problems. But… for the first time in I don’t know how long, I feel something other than hate or fear or indifference to another human. I actually feel sympathy for him.

His sobs finally begin to lessen, as if there aren’t any left. He wipes his eyes and stands up shakily, something clenched in his left fist. He holds it out over the water, his hand shaking as he slowly uncurls his clenched fingers to reveal an electric blue stone on a silver chain. I inch closer. The stone begins to pulse slightly with a pale light. He stares at it. I move closer again to get a better view, and the pulse grows brighter. I feel a warmth against my chest, and pull out my amulet. A dark purple gem on a silver chain. It’s pulsing too. I’ve never seen it do this before. I step forward again, out of the trees. I’m so startled by the sound of my foot on the gravel of the beach that I gasp, a soft woosh of escaping air. He spins around.
“Wh-Who’s there?” He asks shakily. He heard me! No one’s heard me for… I wonder if he can see me. I see my hand start to shimmer, realizing that he can see me. I’ll let him see me. I shimmer into view. He yelps and steps backwards, his electric blue eyes wide. He looks like a cornered animal.
“Stay back!” He yells, surprising me.
“Stay back, stay away from me!” He repeats, his voice breaking. He takes a step backwards into the water.
“Stay away, go away before-before-before-” his voice cracks. He stumbles backwards, his whole body shaking, with terror or exertion or cold I don’t know. He seems genuinely scared, though for some reason I get the feeling he isn’t afraid of me.
“You have to get away before I- I- I- before it happens again!” He says. He’s clutching the amulet in his hand so hard his knuckles are white.
“Please! Please…” He whispers. He takes a step back, now waist deep in the water.
“Hey, it’s okay,” I say.
“No it’s n-n-nottt! Go away before I hurt you too!”
“What?” I ask, confused. How would he hurt me? He takes another step backwards and disappears under the water. Drop off.

Before I quite know what I’m doing I ran into the water and dove in after him. I barely notice the sudden freezing cold as I peer ahead of me through the clear, dark water, spotting a flash of white. I grab his skinny wrist and drag him up, out of the water to lay him, coughing, on the sand. He curls to his side and coughs up water as I kneel beside him, not sure what to do. I brush my wet hair out of my eyes as I watch his pale face. Suddenly, a bright white glow appears. I look down to see our two amulets connected. There’s a brighter flash, and they stop glowing.

Critique for @Ilishaqueen
Piece: Not meant for finery

First thoughts:: Wow. This is really, really good. You're style is very beautiful and I like how you put emphasis on things by putting them on new lines. The character shows through really well and has a strong character voice. I like the simple but beautiful descriptions and the way that we get a sense of this world, politics, etc. without any info dumping or explaining. I also really like how relatable you make the MC, even though she's an assasin. For the rest of the critique I'll be going through it and qouting parts that I'll provide further comments on <3.

Bright yellow sunlight spills from the windows, illuminating my face. Two women clean my wounds, large scratch marks that tear across my back. They won't stitch it. They leave it open. I suppose it's a reminder. Then I’m made to wear a periwinkle gown. I've never worn anything so beautiful.

Very nice descriptions. Good sentence varieation with two longer sentences, two short, and two medium. Good job at catching the readers attention, drawing them into the piece, and starting to get to know this character and world in only a short paragraph.

I hate it.

I like the emphasis you put on this by putting it on a new line. Good character voice – she is to the point, blunt. We learn that this character doesn't like this.

Assassins like me are not meant for finery.

again, emphasis by placing on a new line. This is a good feature of your style. And we get more information, and more of the blunt character voice.

I'm still wondering why they took me from prison, where they were busy rubbing the salt I mined onto my back. Assassins have it brutal in prison. I'm surprised why they haven't hanged me yet.

Yes, she's definitely straightforward. More information on the world and this characters position. No info dumping, but we now know that she's an assasin who was imprisoned, but has now strangely been taken to be made up. We also find out that she worked in a mine, suggesting she is a working class person.

The dress leaves my back bare, my scars exposed. My fingers skim over the soft material. The light makes it glow. They do my hair next, a simple braid. I'm in a small room, a group of few women busy grooming me. There's a huge mirror, and it reminds me of a public bathroom. Sinks line up one wall, but the rest is occupied by the massive wardrobe. And a huge bathtub.

This is good description. However, you have three sentences in a row that have a comma in the middle. I might change one+ of them, perhaps like this “I'm in a small room with a group of women busy grooming me.” To break up the pattern for more sentence varieation. Still keeping the straightforward character voice.

Once I look pretty, they stuff seven packs of cards into my hands. My fingers tremble at the sight of the familiar boxes. The cards my sister made. I don't know what happened to her.

mmmmm more backstory! and character! Very good, simple, keeping with the straightforwardness and simple descriptions that add a lot of information in a few sentences.

I hope she's still alive.

And more keeping with the style, putting emphasis on the sentence that is most important to our assasin. Simple, straightforward, and adds info– she cares about her sister. Helps us to emphasize with her more.

I open a pack hungrily, finding the usual glossy drawings. She made them herself, designing and painting each symbol, each character, each letter.

I miss her so much.

More context, same as mentioned above.

Piling the cards back into the box, I close it. Boxes in my hands, they lead me away.

Straighforward, and brings us back into the scene. I might change the second sentence to make it flow better and add sentence variation though.

My gaze is fixated on the cards. She drew the boxes herself, too. The covers. I folded the boxes for her. My fingers run over the paint. I always admired how she painted. Her hand was so still when she painted. Her fingers never trembled.

And more of what I've talked about– character voice, sentence variation, context and information, etc. More sympathizing.

I'm so lost in my thoughts, I don't notice we've stopped. I look up. The Queen stands in front of me, her usual mocking smile on her face.

Good sentence variation here! And more information– obviously we've met this queen before, and she is not a kind queen.

I don't curtsey, but stare defiantly into her face. She crosses the floor, reaching me.The light from the arched windows reflects in her eyes. We are in some kind of corridor. She lifts my chin up. Her bright green eyes peer into mine.

Here we have a lot of very short sentences. You could probably combine the last two to help with the flow/sentence variation. Otherwise good descriptions and character.

“So you're Tremble. I've heard so, so much about you. You're wondering why I brought you here, aren't you? I brought you here to entertain my guests this evening. Neighbouring kings and queens, so you must be friendly.” She gestures to the packs of cards in my hands. “I hear you're quite the gambler. The game we have planned is related. The rulers will bet their soldiers instead of money. The victor gains all the soldiers. You have the honour of picking the game.” She claps her hands. Her short white hair tickles her pointy chin.

hmmm. I'm not sure what to say about this, since I don't know the queens character voice. I would suggest reading it out loud in the queens voice to see how it feels.

“Concentration.” I whisper.

“Of course.”

She smiles at me. I can't help but feel she's laughing at me.

simple interaction, to the point. good character coming through.

Then I'm lead through a winding tower. My head is dizzy from the steps. I find a small piece of wire on the stairs. I pick it up, making it seem I bent to fix my shoes.

Finally we stop by a grand oak door. Inside, I can hear laughter. “And here she is! Our generous host for today.” The Queen claps her hands, welcoming me. How did she get here before me?

I might combine two of the sentences in the first paragraph to add sentence variation, otherwise it's good. I would put the dialogue in the second on a new line.

The door is opened. Bright yellow lights. Plush carpets. A round table. Tapestries hanging across the walls. My heels glide across the red fur. Everyone is staring me. I bow. There's a deathly quiet. I haven't looked in the mirror, so I don't know how absolutely pretty I look. With all eyes fixed on me, I drop the card boxes on the table and take a seat.

This is good, descriptions, character voice, etc.

“Welcome.” My voice is clear and bright. “Today we all have gathered here to gamble. Concentration, I hope you're all familiar with it.” There's a murmur of assent from the table. “Good. Then I won't be explaining. Let's get right to it. There will be seven sets. Whoever wins the most sets; wins.” I break out of the cards. Sixty cards each pack. Four-hundred-twenty cards. I assemble them without help.

Good character, interesting, and gives us a sense of the others. She hasn't done anything yet, so you're leaving us anticipating what she's gonna do, if she's really going to be complacent.

“Let's begin!”

The silence that has been holding up is broken. One of the King laughs.

This is good, simple.

I go first. The table is filled with sounds of chips as people place their bets. “Each chip is worth a thousand soldiers.” I announce. The Queen looks at me in horror. She isn't playing.

After everyone is done, I draw two cards. It's a match.

Soon, there is the dull chatter of conversation from the table. I just barely pay attention it, until one of the Queen's comments catches my ear.

Dialogue on a new line, watch for sentence variation, etc.

“I had quite the death planned for her sister.” She says to another queen. She laughs mercilessly. A cruel and beautiful sound.

“Did you hang her?” A King joins in.

The horror eats me up. They're talking about my sister. My hands shake.

She’s dead. She’s gone.

ooooh now we get to the good stuff! Makes us hate the queen and sympathize with the assasin, adds character to both.

“No, that's so old fashioned. I had her beaten to death. Each day they cut off her body parts.”

They killed her. They tortured her.

One of the queens hisses. “Painful. It should have been a public execution. Her ragged body, presented to the people.”

There are tears in my eyes.

There is a murmur of agreement. And then they all join together with their suggestions. The game is going well. I have the most pairs.

I look upwards. The Queen has her gaze pinned on me.

Everyone's eyes are turned to the cards. Instead of the quiet anticipation, they're all discussing ways they should have killed my sister.

More of the same.

Something snaps. I feel everything reduced to a blur, except for her face.

The Queen.

and here we go, into the climax of the piece! Same with the style and character that have been consistent throughout the piece.

I lunge for her, pulling out the wire. I stab it through her eyes. She screams in pain. Blood spatters onto my gown. I slit her throat. She dies instantly, her pulse stopping. It takes the rest a while to react. Too late. I've already found a silver dagger in the Queen's belt.

Only question- how does she slit her throat? I mean with what? otherwise very good, very dramatic.

The next person I kill is one of the Queens. The one who suggested the public execution.

Then, the King who asked if she was hanged.

The queen who said she should have been burned.

The queen that said I should have killed her.

The queen that wished that they could have seen it.

The king who said a sweep of a sword would suffice.

The King who said I should have seen it.

All of them.

All of them.

AAAhhhh the beautiful climax! Great job. Everything that's been building up throughout the piece comes out beautifully here!

And then I sit on the furry carpets in the bright yellow light, blood running down my body. My periwinkle dress, stained red.


Assassins are not meant for finery.

And then you tie it off with a simple, perfect ending, with a callback to the beginning.

Great job, I love the characters and style, and good luck!

SWC November 2023 :: Steampunk Camper Thread

Dailies:
1: https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/682100/?page=1#post-7620476
2: https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/682100/?page=1#post-7620848
3: https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/682100/?page=2#post-7623641
4: https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/682100/?page=2#post-7628348
5:

Weeklies:
1:

Other:

Daily 1: Introductions!

Heyy! I'm Lily! Well, that’s not my name (did you think it was?) but it’s the name I use online because I like it and because it’s part of my scratch username, so it’s easy to associate my username to my nickname. I’m attempting the one thousand word intro challenge because I saw someone else’s and it looked fun, and it gives me words too so why not. Prepare for a lot of randomness and kinda ranting tho xDD. I’m 12-16 years old. My pronouns are she and her and I am straight. I am Pro-life. I am European and I am Catholic and I love my faith. I am also Canadian and I love my country so much. We may have problems but Canada is beautiful, especially BC where I live. My timezone is PST. I am in the ✨Steampunk✨ cabin This is my…. sixth session of SWC. My first was a poetry camper in July of 2021, my second was a Mystery camper in July of 2022, my third was Dystopian (now know as discopain, go check it out, it’s chaotic and beautiful and will never die), and my fourth was Adventure in March of 2023. My Fifth was Adventure (again) in July of 2023, and this is my sixth, in steampunk cabin of November 2023. Which I already said.

Okay, moving on from facts about me and my sessions to my interests and hobbies! My interests and hobbies are many. MANY. But starting off with WRITING. I mean, if it wasn’t, why would I be here in the first place. But yes, I love to write, mainly fiction, and I have wayyyyyy too many characters and worlds and plots and personalities and kiddos stuck in my head, and wayyyyy too little time to write about all of them. I also love to read, which makes sense, being a writer. Some of my Favorite books are Riordanverse – Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Heroes of Olympus, Kane Chronicles, and Trials of Apollo. I haven’t read Magnus Chase and the gods of Asguard yet though. I also like Artemis Fowl, the Wingfeather Saga, The Hunger Games, Divergent, Keeper of the Lost Cities, Wings of Fire, and soooo many other books it would take forever and infinity to list them all. I enjoy watching a plethora of movies (using the word plethora does not make this purple prose!) including the Marvel Cinematic Universe Movies, Disney Movies (the ones that don’t suck. Sorry if you’re a hard core fan who things none of them do), and various other movies including How to Train Your Dragon movies, Song of the Sea, Rise of the Guardians, and, like with books, so many more that it would take me forever and infinity to list them! I like considerably less TV shows because I have watched considerably less TV shows – Once upon a Time, The Owl House, Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts, Infinity Train, HTTYD: Race to the Edge, and a few more. I don’t really have specific artists that I listen to, but I like some Taylor Swift and some Olivia Rodrigo and some Imagine Dragons. I also like a lot of praise music. aND MuSIcaLs! Epic: The musical and Dear Evan Hansen are my favorites right now. Some songs I like are Lost Boy, Neverland, Beautiful Life, Waving through a Window, Open Arms, and many, many, many more.
And of course all the songs in the musicals I mentioned. On top of all that watching and reading and writing and listening, I like to draw. I do both traditional and digital, but lately it’s been a lot more traditional for me. I love working with alcohol markers, and my favorite thing to draw is people. I want to make a graphic novel some day, maybe as an adaption of one of my books (if I ever get one written – Nanowrimo better go well!). And yes, I’m doing NaNoWriMo this november, trying to write the entire first draft of my novel in 30 days like a crazy person. Oh, wait, I am crazy. That explains it! On top of all of that, I also enjoy doing track and field. Each year I usually participate in slightly different events, depending on which ones I’m able to practice the most and feel like I’m doing the best at. But in general, I’m a sprinter, and I like to do High Jump and throws. Hammer Throwing is fun, I don’t get why so many people are scared of it. And discus and shot put are awesome. Not a Javelin or Long Jump person tho. I’ve never tried pole vault but I want to. And on top of THAT, I’m in my school’s choirs and in my school musical, Shrek the Musical. Both are very fun but also very challenging and time consuming, and they make me laugh about as much as they make me feel like crying – “but hey, that’s life and life ain’t fair” and I’ve almost written 1000 words, are you proud of me? What else to say about myself… I have four siblings (I’m the second of 5), 3 sisters and a brother and also, a cat. So five siblings counting him. They are a handful and crazy and I alternate between loving them and wanting to chuck them out the window, but yeah they’re awesome. My goals this session is to do Nanowrimo (write a whole first draft of my novel this month ;—, improve my writing, and really improve my characters and character voice (what, no, I'm totally not struggling to make my characters have consistent personalities, what are you talking about?/hj) anyways, I'm super excited for this session and to get to know (and war) all of you! And that should be the end of my 1000 word rant I think! Wasn’t this fun? If you read all the way to here, you’re awesome and here are 50 SWC mangoes for you! I hope you have lots of motivation sparkle cookies saved up for the month ahead! Byeeeeee! Wait nevermind I have more to add, I also play DND I’ve only played one session so far and it was… interesting. Beginner Dungeon Master paired with a character who literally just wanted alcohol the whole time, like we got to a village and he was like “let’s go to the bar” and we were on a boat and he was like “can I do a perception check for booze” it was funny and vaguely frustrating but mostly funny. Spent the session mostly listening to my party mates, and then healed people twice and helped smash a monster with my eldritch blast – I’m a celestial warlock by the way, my patron is a greater Cuatl and I’m a half-elf human.

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Daily 2: Letter to Future Self

Dear Future Self,

Hi! I have high hopes for this SWC. I’m in the Steampunk Cabin, and I think it’ll be pretty cool. The storyline and leaders and aethstetic are all really nice. My goals for this session are to get better at writing (of course), to write at least 10000 words, although I’m pretty sure I’ll end up going over that because of my NaNoWriMo project, get better at character voice, and write the entire first draft of my novel, Amulets. It’ll definitely be tough, but I hope that if I can get a good chunk of it finished, I can motivate myself to write the rest. I hope I’m done with at least 10 chapters by the end of the month – that gives me 2.5 days to write each. Preferably, I’d be done at least 30-50 because that’s how much I think that it’ll take to finish the book, but while I set lofty goals, I also want to be realistic with myself, and set secondary goals. Anyways, about Amulets – It’s a high fantasy story about three kids called Laoam who have magical amulets that give them powers. Xander (aka Xan) was raised as a perfect soldier, and never really had a family, friends, or a childhood. He was a child prodigy who struggles to connect with people his age, and who has little context for the real world. Kaylani (aka Kay) was an outcast when she was young, but had one good friend, Mica. After he betrayed her, she ran away, deciding she wanted nothing to do with other people. That is, until she met Luca. Luca had a happy childhood, until he was given his amulet. It overpowered him and he accidentally destroyed his village. He blames himself however, and ran away. He and Kay joined forces, and later met Xan and befriended him. The story tells of their adventures as they make new friends, try to live safe lives, deal with their *problems,* and eventually end up unseating the emperor and putting the true queen on the throne. Or at least I think that’s what is going to happen. It could go very differently. We’ll see.

Your past self

365 words