“No! Please don't do this!” I begged.

“I'm sorry…this is the way things have to be.” he told me as tears started pooling at his eyes.

“If you truly loved me, you wouldn't do this to me!” I screamed at him.

“I did love you, I still do. Just not enough…I'm sorry…” And with that, he jumped. He was gone forever.


Ah! Another flashback? It's starting to become more and more often. Everything in reality, goes pitch black. I can't see, hear, or feel it. That was my boyfriend…I can't even say it. Every time I think about it, fresh tears spring to my eyes. I loved him and he loved me back. I could've stopped it. I should've stoped it. But I was blinded my my own worries.

I still don't quite understand what he was going through. All I remember was, those last few months, he was failing classes. Sometimes even skipping them completely. I barely saw him. His mom in a car accident. His sister diagnosed with lung cancer. She was his best friend. I guess it was too much for him. My mom and his mom were elementary friends. I think they could've been twins. They both got married on the same day. They both went through many troubles. Divorce, debt, stuff like that. Now that I think about it, I don't really even remember my dad…


“Why do you keep spending our money? Why can't you just go off and get a job? It's not that hard! I work overtime to make sure we live in a house and we get enough food so that we can actually live. And you just go off and spend it!” my dad yelled, making my mother shrivel up.

“Tom, I can't get a job! No one's going to accept me, and you know that.”

“Don't use that as an excuse, Tiffany. You just want to stay shriveled up on that little couch of yours, and want to leave our family's survival to me. Any job will do! I don't care if you work as a janitor or a cashier! Just get a job!”

“Momma?” I said as I crept into the living room.

“Tom, do you even care about Savannah? Look at what you've done! She's has an unhappy childhood because of you!” she accused as I stared at them fighting.

“My fault? You no-good-liar!” he shouted back.

“It's going to be okay, Savannah. Momma's here,” she said quietly to me as she led me upstairs.

wow this is really good!!? one thing I would like to suggest is work on the ending of your chapter! it jumps from talking about her boyfriend and immediately goes to “welcome to the miseries of my world”. honestly all I have to suggest is create a new paragraph that moves the story back to her so the very last sentence doesn't sound too out of place! besides that, the story really hooked me and it's amazing :00

This is wonderful and it’s really great for your first story! I don’t really have anything to give back about it but a little suggestion would be instead of “I loved him. He loved me to. I could have stopped it” you can switch it to “I loved him very much and loved me back so I could have stopped it.” But otherwise I really loved this story and keep up the great work! ^^

-microwave wrote:

wow this is really good!!? one thing I would like to suggest is work on the ending of your chapter! it jumps from talking about her boyfriend and immediately goes to “welcome to the miseries of my world”. honestly all I have to suggest is create a new paragraph that moves the story back to her so the very last sentence doesn't sound too out of place! besides that, the story really hooked me and it's amazing :00

Thank you! I was out of ideas on how to end it. xD Any ideas?

-_-_-Becca_Arts-_-_- wrote:

This is wonderful and it’s really great for your first story! I don’t really have anything to give back about it but a little suggestion would be instead of “I loved him. He loved me to. I could have stopped it” you can switch it to “I loved him very much and loved me back so I could have stopped it.” But otherwise I really loved this story and keep up the great work! ^^

Sure! Thank you!

Hello! I love this story, I think it's definitely emotional and I love stories that are like that. One thing I consider doing is deleting the, “My name is Savannah,” part, and the part that she introduces herself. Instead, I would consider adding an argument between her and her boyfriend, or a fight between her parents, and make that include her name so that the reader implies that Savannah is the main character. If you want an example, I can give one to you, because I probably didn't explain that the best, but in my opinion, that makes for a better story. Thanks for sharing the story, I loved it!

I lived in a simple casual house. We had just moved in ago so there's nothing to worry about.
I was going online to shop for some things that I wanted or needed. I picked a really cute outfit. I asked my mom if I could have it.
“No! Until you learn to stop on your Ipad then I'll give you!”
I went to my bed to cry! Or even Stomp. Then I heard something! It came from my closet and nothing was there.
So I went outside just feeling better. Then It was dinner and we all ate our dinner and…

-AestheticArts- wrote:

I lived in a simple casual house. We had just moved in ago so there's nothing to worry about.
I was going online to shop for some things that I wanted or needed. I picked a really cute outfit. I asked my mom if I could have it.
“No! Until you learn to stop on your Ipad then I'll give you!”
I went to my bed to cry! Or even Stomp. Then I heard something! It came from my closet and nothing was there.
So I went outside just feeling better. Then It was dinner and we all ate our dinner and…

Is that a Chapter recommendation?

AutumnLunarMoon wrote:

Hello! I love this story, I think it's definitely emotional and I love stories that are like that. One thing I consider doing is deleting the, “My name is Savannah,” part, and the part that she introduces herself. Instead, I would consider adding an argument between her and her boyfriend, or a fight between her parents, and make that include her name so that the reader implies that Savannah is the main character. If you want an example, I can give one to you, because I probably didn't explain that the best, but in my opinion, that makes for a better story. Thanks for sharing the story, I loved it!

Thank you! I would like to see an example if that's not too much trouble.

queen_bee1021 wrote:

AutumnLunarMoon wrote:

Hello! I love this story, I think it's definitely emotional and I love stories that are like that. One thing I consider doing is deleting the, “My name is Savannah,” part, and the part that she introduces herself. Instead, I would consider adding an argument between her and her boyfriend, or a fight between her parents, and make that include her name so that the reader implies that Savannah is the main character. If you want an example, I can give one to you, because I probably didn't explain that the best, but in my opinion, that makes for a better story. Thanks for sharing the story, I loved it!

Thank you! I would like to see an example if that's not too much trouble.

Sure!
I'm going to use a different situation, but a parent fight, and the italics indicate a flashback.
“Why do you keep spending our money? Why can't you just go off and get a job? It's not that hard! I work overtime to make sure we live in a house and we get enough food so that we can actually live. And you just go off and spend it!” my dad yelled, making my mother shrivel up. I couldn't stand their fights any longer. They fought about almost every little thing, apart from Mom's spending money. She didn't have a job, so she just sat around all day, watching TV and buying things.
“Anthony, I can't get a job! No one's going to accept me, and you know that.”
“Don't use that as an excuse, Tiffany. You just want to stay shriveled up on that little couch of yours, and want to leave our family's survival to me. Sometimes I wish that you would pack up your stuff, and just leave. Just leave.” When my dad said that, I couldn't take it anymore. I was sitting at the dining room table, but I couldn't listen to my parents argue in the living room. I ran upstairs, tears wetting my cheeks.
“Anthony, you're hurting Leah!” she accused as I ran upstairs. “Don't you see what you're doing to us?” I didn't listen anymore after that. I couldn't listen to anything more. It hurt too much to.

So that's kind of what I mean, using the character's name through dialogue instead of just stating it through them just saying it directly. You don't have to do this if it seems like it's too much for your story, or it doesn't quite work for your story, e.g. it's a diary or a journal.

This is really good!

when green flag clicked[big]TracyBeaker1212[/big]
say [goodbye] for (2) secs

TracyBeaker1212 wrote:

This is really good!

Thanks!

AutumnLunarMoon wrote:

queen_bee1021 wrote:

AutumnLunarMoon wrote:

Hello! I love this story, I think it's definitely emotional and I love stories that are like that. One thing I consider doing is deleting the, “My name is Savannah,” part, and the part that she introduces herself. Instead, I would consider adding an argument between her and her boyfriend, or a fight between her parents, and make that include her name so that the reader implies that Savannah is the main character. If you want an example, I can give one to you, because I probably didn't explain that the best, but in my opinion, that makes for a better story. Thanks for sharing the story, I loved it!

Thank you! I would like to see an example if that's not too much trouble.

Sure!
I'm going to use a different situation, but a parent fight, and the italics indicate a flashback.
“Why do you keep spending our money? Why can't you just go off and get a job? It's not that hard! I work overtime to make sure we live in a house and we get enough food so that we can actually live. And you just go off and spend it!” my dad yelled, making my mother shrivel up. I couldn't stand their fights any longer. They fought about almost every little thing, apart from Mom's spending money. She didn't have a job, so she just sat around all day, watching TV and buying things.
“Anthony, I can't get a job! No one's going to accept me, and you know that.”
“Don't use that as an excuse, Tiffany. You just want to stay shriveled up on that little couch of yours, and want to leave our family's survival to me. Sometimes I wish that you would pack up your stuff, and just leave. Just leave.” When my dad said that, I couldn't take it anymore. I was sitting at the dining room table, but I couldn't listen to my parents argue in the living room. I ran upstairs, tears wetting my cheeks.
“Anthony, you're hurting Leah!” she accused as I ran upstairs. “Don't you see what you're doing to us?” I didn't listen anymore after that. I couldn't listen to anything more. It hurt too much to.

So that's kind of what I mean, using the character's name through dialogue instead of just stating it through them just saying it directly. You don't have to do this if it seems like it's too much for your story, or it doesn't quite work for your story, e.g. it's a diary or a journal.

Nice! I'll edit after I'm done with this Google Meet.

Wow! I love this! Keep writing! <33

Pearlescent wrote:

Wow! I love this! Keep writing! <33

Thanks! Forums aren't really for me, so I was thinking of making it into a project.

The story idea is fascinating, if this is the first story you wrote, it's quite excellent. What I suggest is you define the particular elements of your story more separately, I can't really understand what the main idea is, the scene from her boyfriend and her parents move too quickly for the reader to realize what exactly is the problem the main character is facing. I apologize if I sound too critical, your story is good.

Stariqe wrote:

The story idea is fascinating, if this is the first story you wrote, it's quite excellent. What I suggest is you define the particular elements of your story more separately, I can't really understand what the main idea is, the scene from her boyfriend and her parents move too quickly for the reader to realize what exactly is the problem the main character is facing. I apologize if I sound too critical, your story is good.

I always appreciate instructional criticism! Yes, it is the first story I've wrote. A lot of people tell me that, but like, I'm not a good writer, so…. you know?

So goodddd, I wish it was longer

Stariqe wrote:

The story idea is fascinating, if this is the first story you wrote, it's quite excellent. What I suggest is you define the particular elements of your story more separately, I can't really understand what the main idea is, the scene from her boyfriend and her parents move too quickly for the reader to realize what exactly is the problem the main character is facing. I apologize if I sound too critical, your story is good.

Lol I'm bad at writing, but I might make more chapters.

memymom4 wrote:

So goodddd, I wish it was longer

Ack, ty!