Midnight lay on a grassy hill, a massive man with tanned skin lying next to her, lazily running his hands over her, his large muscles relaxed. “Midnight,” he whispered, his blue eyes shining, “Please come with me to the Fire Kingdom, and be the Lady of my territory.”

Midnight slowly turned to face him, her black hair flying around her indigo gown as she rolled over. “I'm so sorry, Blaze, my darling,” she whispered, her hands reaching up to caress his hazel hair, “But I can't leave Ash. It just wouldn't be proper, after all Ash has done for me. And I can't leave the Grass Tribe, as I am Ash's deputy. I'm sorry.”

Lord Blaze nodded slowly, trying to keep tears from his eyes. “I understand, Midnight.” He gazed into her eyes, “Responsibility ties us all up.”

Midnight nodded back, tears welling in her violet eyes. “I just wish…that Ash was daring like you…” she sobbed, “…and that he loved me like you do…”

Midnight leaned her head onto Lord Blaze's chest, her tears soaking his beige tunic and seeping down to his shorts.

Lord Blaze whispered, “Oh darling.” He gently caressed her hair, “I'm so sorry this has happened to you.”

Midnight slowly closed her eyes. “I know.”

Lord Blaze gently stroked her pale cheeks. “Sweet dreams.” He whispered, and slowly closed his eyes.

You've done a good job for the prologue- you've introduced a reasonable amount of characters to keep track of and given us some hints of the world the story takes place in. My only issue would be the description at the start (a massive, muscled man with hazel hair and olive skin in a beige tunic and pants) as, like a lot of character description, it disrupts the pace and gives more information than the reader actually needs. Also, olive (along with a lot of other colour names or condiments) isn't really a good description of skin tone- surprisingly, sticking with basic things like white, black or tan is actually better as it's more easily understood and don't come off as creepy. I'd suggest simplifying your description down, maybe go for something more like “a hulking man in a beige tunic” and then slowly add in the other details when it's convenient, kind of like you did with the eye colour.

TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

You've done a good job for the prologue- you've introduced a reasonable amount of characters to keep track of and given us some hints of the world the story takes place in. My only issue would be the description at the start (a massive, muscled man with hazel hair and olive skin in a beige tunic and pants) as, like a lot of character description, it disrupts the pace and gives more information than the reader actually needs. Also, olive (along with a lot of other colour names or condiments) isn't really a good description of skin tone- surprisingly, sticking with basic things like white, black or tan is actually better as it's more easily understood and don't come off as creepy. I'd suggest simplifying your description down, maybe go for something more like “a hulking man in a beige tunic” and then slowly add in the other details when it's convenient, kind of like you did with the eye colour.

I've adjusted the chapter, what do you think now?

XCat wrote:

TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

-snip-

I've adjusted the chapter, what do you think now?

That's better, it flows a lot smoother- can't wait to see the rest of it!

TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

XCat wrote:

TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

-snip-

I've adjusted the chapter, what do you think now?

That's better, it flows a lot smoother- can't wait to see the rest of it!

Thanks!