Critiquitaire for Flamingo (@flamingotesting).

This is my first one so apologies if it isn't the best!

I sound so posh and AI-y in this while I didn't even use it, it's all my own writing and feedback :’).

To begin with you immediately enter the characters and setting as well as their purpose which would be very useful in a writing competition entry due to a limited word count.

Next the largest improvement that you could do is paragraphing. So whenever you change a time/topic/speaker/tense ect a new paragraph could be started. This would make it slightly easier to read as well as in general easier and nicer to follow!
For example:

“River secretly hoped they wouldn't be able to leave, she loved it here in Duskhaven. “Yep, go ahead - we were hoping someone would go after that Fireleaf.” They easily gained permission from the Aqua Dragon who guarded the entrance and exit to Duskhaven.”

Would become

“River secretly hoped they wouldn't be able to leave, she loved it here in Duskhaven. “Yep, go ahead - we were hoping someone would go after that Fireleaf.

They easily gained permission from the Aqua Dragon who guarded the entrance and exit to Duskhaven.”

Also another thing that could be improved but more for the curiosity of the reader could be this line

“So, Ember and River packed their things and walked off.”

You could specify something they bring with them, maybe an heirloom or an item of significance, even something that seems random that would help in the end! This isn't that important to add but could be a nice addition.

Overall your use of punctuation is nice and shows good variation which is great!

Although, (this is me being pedantic so no need to change it if you like it). But you do use the ‘-’ quite frequently. Although there's nothing wrong with this especially in chapter speech it can feel a bit repetitive and sometimes could lose its purpose.

For example:

“They finally found the village, only to realise that it was very different to what they had envisioned - it was nothing like Duskhaven at all!”

You could do

“ They finally found the village, only to realise that it was very different to what they had envisioned; it was nothing like Duskhaven at all! ”

Another slight improvement could be to edit the dialogue, while it does convey the message and discussion between the characters it does feel very dialogue heavy. You could add actions in-between the dialogue to support the talking.

For example:

”What do we even need Fireleaf for, anyway?” asked River. ”I just think it's important, somehow… Come on, let's keep going!“ said Ember, she was getting impatient with stopping. ”No… I don't think it's worth it, Ember. Sorry, but I think we need to go back. Remember, we are still learning to master our affinity-magic!” ”What!? Look, I get it, but we have to continue! This is really important to me…“ River paused and looked at Ember.

Also paragraphing could be further edited here so it could become something like:

”What do we even need Fireleaf for, anyway?” asked River.

”I just think it's important, somehow… Come on, let's keep going!“ said Ember, she was getting impatient with stopping.

”No… I don't think it's worth it, Ember.” River fiddled with her hair nervously. “Sorry, but I think we need to go back. Remember, we are still learning to master our Affinity-Magic!”

”What?!” Ember’s eyes flashed with hurt.

"Look, I get it, but we have to continue! This is really important to me…“ River paused and looked at Ember.

Some notes on the suggestions so it's easier to see. Firstly, “!?” Is more commonly typed as ”?!” Although this is me being pedantic again.

Affinity-Magic could be capitalised if it's something used by everyone in this world to show its importance as it's called that as well.

Feel free to change or keep the actions I added between the dialogue. I just used them as an example.

Also with paragraphing it can make it clear whose saying what. I added it in where I thought each character was, although you can edit it back to whose speaking if I misjudged who was.

Another slight thing which could be improved:

“Of course, those with an affinity of Earth, like me, also have a plant - we don't know where it grows though, so I can't use it… I can't quite remember the name just now either.“

At this part, I may have missed who was speaking it but it seems unclear. If it's you as a narrator it may not work as well due to the 3rd person setting but could be changed to be part of the discussion. If it was one of the characters then either paragraphing could be changed or have it directly signposted it's the character saying it.


Overall, it is mostly small grammatical things that could be edited to make it stronger. However, an optional thing could be to develop the journey to the fireleaf. You could add a problem or another encounter or something if memory as it currently feels like they do just go there and return and it has so much space for something further interesting to happen.

For example:

You could do maybe a small avalanche, getting lost, seeing a herd of magical creatures or regular creatures


I've talked a lot about improvements but overall the piece is very solid. It's not overwhelming with characters and that's very good for short writing, you easily establish a fantasy-like setting without spending too long doing so which is definitely a challenge with shorter writing due to fantasy often needing lots of world building, so it's well executed. The plot is nice and simple which is perfect for the writing competition and allows you to expand on one idea without needing to rush it. Great work! With the small tweaks I'm sure it will turn out great. Apologies if I was overly harsh this piece is good and don't let me put you off from continuing to write