1,600 words
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It was just a normal summer day for us, nothing special. Things started out the way they always did, we met up at Jason’s house which is closest to the field we were going to. Connor arrived first because he lived only a block away, then me and then Bella. Together we headed to the field. The smell of freshly mown grass wafted through the field and I saw little daffodils scattered throughout the grass.There we were, on the field with Connor’s speaker pulsing to the beat of the pop music being played.

Bella got up and held out her hand, “Care to play tag?”
I grasped her hand in mine and stood up, “I’d love to.”
Together, we all played tag, chasing and tackling each other. Connor ran past me and pushed me to the ground, “You’re it!”
I layed on the grass like a starfish. Bella came over, laughing hysterically and helped me up. “Haha!” I yelled. “You’re it!”

Once everyone was sweaty and tired from running so much Jason asked, “Do you guys want to go in the forest?”
“Sure, why not?” Connor answered while Bella nodded.
However, I did see why not. My thoughts instantly travelled back to the first time I’d been in the forest, remembering how much fun it had been. My heart felt like it was trying to escape my chest, I was about to be sick. For some reason, this time I had a bad feeling about the forest, like something would go wrong. My stomach churned uneasily, almost as if it knew what would happen next…


When I’m with my girlfriend Bella and my best friends Paris, Connor and Jason hours go by in a matter of minutes! I met Bella and Paris when I was ten and ever since we’ve been like three peas in a pod, we’re inseparable! We spent every single day together however, on this one day Paris was away on holiday in, well, Paris!


Bella squeezed my hand as if she could sense my nervousness.. While the four of us were walking deeper into the forest Jason called to us from ahead, “You gonna come up this tree with us?”
Bella laughed, “Hard pass.”
“Haha okay!” Connor called from halfway up the tree.
Bella and I walked a bit closer to where Jason and Connor were climbing their tree. Bella made sure we were definitely out of earshot before saying, “Venus, what’s wrong?”
I laughed shakily “Straight to it today.”
“Yes, like always.”
I nodded, “Your hair’s nice.”
“Thanks“ she slapped my arm. “Wait, don’t change the subject.”
I could feel my heartbeat pulsing throughout my body, “Okay, okay! I just have this feeling, something doesn’t feel right. I just feel like something’s off.”
Bella pulled me into a hug and I rested my head on her shoulder. “Venus, everything will be fine, I’m here, Jason’s here, Connor’s here. We’ll be fine. Nothing will happen.”
Bella had a way of every bad situation seem better. “Thanks, you’re right. I love you! You’re my Annabeth”
Bella kissed me, “I love you too, and you’re my Percy if Percy was a girl.”
I laughed, “Would you go to Tartarus for me?”
She smirked, “Debatable.”
“Scandalous!” I proclaimed.
She giggled sweetly “Of course I would Venus.”


Together we walked back in the direction of Jason and Connor who seemed to be struggling to climb the tree. The tree was covered in mesmerising bright green foliage. It had lots of thin branches and then thicker branches towards the top making it ridiculously hard to climb. “Having fun?” I called.
Jason laughed and started to say something but his foot slipped on a branch. He scrambled to regain balance and grunted, “Always.”
Connor who was sitting in a thick branch asked, “You guys okay?”
Bella nodded, “Yes we wer-”
“Bella, wait, shut up for a second,” Connor told her urgently.
Bella’s eyes widened and her jaw dropped ever so slightly but she took no time in snapping back, “And why should I?”
“I see something,” Connor said, eyes narrowing. “Over there!”


Phones quickly came out of our pockets as Bella’s shaky hand brushed against mine. The two of us waited for what felt like forever for Jason and Connor to climb down from the tree before going any further. The undergrowth became thicker and harder to walk through, tangling itself around our feet between every step. We only walked for maybe 30 seconds but it felt like hours to me. There was a big pile of dead leaves partially covering something next to a tree. Filled with dread, I shined my flashlight on it, “Is- is that a-?” I was shaking so much that I just couldn’t get my words out.
Jason nodded grimly, “A body.”
Bella had her phone at her ear and said, “Yes, we’ve found a body in the woods.”
“Wh- what are you do- doing?” I asked her.
Bella mouthed, “Calling the police.” and then said regularly, “Oh, of course! I’m Bella Chase, and there’s Venus Green, Jason Hardy and Connor McMalroy.”


Suddenly my legs just gave way and I collapsed. My entire body was trembling and tears were streaming down my face. Bella gave me a very concerned look. Jason and Connor came and sat next to me and wrapped their arms around me. “Venus, it’ll be okay. We’ll be fine!” Connor’s voice was so soothing and reassuring.
I felt like there was an earthquake for the amount I was shaking.


After a few minutes I heard the police sirens. I wiped my eyes and tried to stand. “Oh, okay. Guess not.”
I stumbled and fell back to the floor. I was still crying and I just couldn’t stop the tears. Bella was still talking on the phone, “Yes, I think they’re here now. I can hear the sirens. They’re close, yeah. Okay thank you.”
Bella took the phone away from her ear and put it in her pocket. She came over to me and wrapped me in a tight hug. I felt so useless that I couldn’t handle this. They were all staying so calm and I just didn’t understand how they were so okay. “Venus, Venus, Venus, listen to me, okay. We’ll be fine okay! I know that this is really scary but please just feel your feelings for me. Don’t push your feelings down or else this will take longer to get over, okay.”

I nodded and tried for a forced smile. Bella smiled at me, “There, that’s good! Venus, do you remember on your birthday when we were singing ‘Thinking Out Loud’?”
Jason and Connor took this as their queue to leave, they ran over to the officers and explained to them what happened. Bella smiled, “And our first kiss, your beautiful red dress? And while we were on the roof I almost fell off and I said-“
I laughed, “Geez Louise!”
“There we go Venus, there we go! Right, let's get you up off the ground and we’ll go talk to the officers.” Bella squeezed my hand and helped me up.
My legs were shaky at first but I regained my strength quickly.


An officer sped past me and Bella as we were walking to where Jason and Connor were speaking to two officers. The whole scene was just so overwhelming, I could barely process everything that was going on. There were four different officers, two were inspecting the body and the other two were making calls and telling us what was going on. “Hello, I’ve just been talking to Jason and Connor here. We’re going to need to take you into the station to just get a report on what’s happened today.”
We both nodded grimly. The officer inspecting the body said, “I am fairly certain that this has been a murder, taking place roughly a week ago seeing as it’s partially decomposed. I’ll call the forensics in.”


I had to take deep breaths to keep myself from breaking down again. Bella squeezed my hand tightly and whispered, “It’s going to be okay.”
The 2nd officer took Jason and Connor into the back of their car. The officer that stayed with us said to Bella and me, “We don’t believe you guys have done anything wrong. We just need to get a report of what’s happened from you guys. Everything is going to be okay, I know this is gonna be hard but you guys have done amazing. You did the right thing by calling the police.” the officer set her hand on my shoulder.


The officer led us to a police car and opened the door for them. Two other officers stayed at the site and put police tape around it. When we arrived at the station our phones were confiscated and me, Bella and Connor sat in the waiting room while Jason was being spoken to. Jason came back and Connor left. When it was Bella’s turn to go in she just said, “No, um can I go in with Venus? I don’t feel comfortable going in without her and I don’t think she does either.”
The officer just looked at me and I nodded. “Okay, you can come in together.”


We went in and all we did was give a report of what happened and our version of events. Our interview only took 10 minutes. Bella and I got up out of the chairs when I remembered the question I had wanted to ask. “Have you identified the body?”
The man’s face darkened and he just handed me a slip of paper. It read: ‘Paris Smith’

I'm going to post this now because I have to go to bed, but I'll finish it in the morning

they always do, we meet up at

Watch your tenses here

We sat on the field, Connor brought his speaker and we ran around for a bit. Jason asked “Do you guys want to go in the forrest?”

I like to set the scene with a bit of description - using multiple senses especially helps immerse the reader. You can answer questions like “what could they smell?”, “what did the field look like? Were there flowers, what plants were around it?”, and “who else was there?” as a starting point. Of course, this is completely optional - if you made a stylistic choice not to describe the field, then do that! This goes for everything I say in this crit ^^
Another thing is that you're “telling” at the moment - try showing. For instance, instead of “Connor brought his speaker”, maybe you could say “Connor's speaker pulsed to the beat of the song it played” or “soft classical music wafted out of Connor's speaker”. See how you can use this to set the scene?

(Oh, the other thing: “Do you guys …” should be on a new line as it's speech, and “forrest” should be forest ^^)

and it was actually really fun

You're “telling” again - while it would probably be fine to leave this if you added some show-not-tell in other places, you also have two main stylistic options here to avoid it: you could either have the character be thinking about it (e.g. “Last time was fun,” I thought, “but …”) or you could have the character think back to the last time they were in the forest: “I thought back to the last time, how much fun I had had.”

For some reason, this time I had a bad feeling about it, like something would go wrong. I went in anyway but that will probably be my most regretted decision I’ll ever make…

Describing the bad feeling can make this really powerful! Does the main character feel sick? Nervous?
Another suggestion I have is that you remove the “I went in anyway” - this more or less spoils the story. Combined with telling the reader “that will probably be my most regretted decision I’ll ever make”, we are able to know a lot about what happens next and how bad it is. Instead, consider “my stomach churned uneasily, as if it just knew what would happen next…”. While we are still technically telling the audience part of what happens next, it builds suspense instead of undoing it - this is in part because we don't explicitly state that the character goes into the forest, or regrets that decision, but the character still gets the sense that something bad will happen - this is also partly because of the more dramatic and immersive way we described the bad feeling.

I’m Venus Ivy Green a 13 year old girl from Scotland. Welno I’m from America but I’ve lived in Scotland for almost all my life. I spend most of my time with my girlfriend Bella, and my best friends Paris, Jason and Connor. When I was 10 I moved schools because my mum got a new job and that’s when I met Bella and Paris. Originally, I wasn’t to keen on Bella and Paris. Even though I had a bad first impression of them, I became close friends with them in a matter of days! Since then we did everything together, we spend all day together in school and we’re inseparable during the holidays. However, on this one day Paris was away on holiday in, well, Paris! That meant it was just me, Bella, Jason and Connor out that day.

This paragraph is a lot of telling and not a lot of showing. Additionally, it's a lot of information for the reader to take in, and as far as I can tell so far doesn't contribute much to the story. Have a think about how you can cut this down - perhaps by giving a sense of the friendship using figurative language: “Bella, Paris and I are like three peas in a pod, we're inseparable.”

Also consider removing everything but the essentials - you don't necessarily need to introduce a character for the reader to get to know them. For instance, the reader could probably work out that the main character's name is Venus based off of other characters speaking to her, so you don't need the “I’m Venus Ivy Green a 13 year old girl from Scotland.” part. I'm sure you can do similar with the rest of the paragraph to reduce it down a bit.

Bella was holding my hand tightly, she knew I was nervous.

Just something to consider - you may want to replace this with a more active action, such as “Bella squeezed my hand, sensing my nervousness.” See how this makes it feel more like she's responding to the character's nervousness?

I laughed sh “Straight to it today.”

Not sure what this is meant to say - might wanna fix that ^^

(I don't have anything else to say about the conversation with Bella - I think it's very cute and a good insight into their personalities )
Oh wait I actually do have one more thing to say:

I glared daggers at her. “Kidding! Of course I would.”

This might just be me but I feel like something more playful would fit the tone better? As they're joking around, maybe “I pouted” or “'Scandalous!' I proclaimed.” would fit better - just something a little more lighthearted ^^

Together we walked back in the direction of Jason and Connor who seemed to be struggling to climb the tree.

This might be a good time to describe the tree!

Jason made the mistake of laughing and his foot slipped.

Bella’s face was shocked but

These two are telling, not showing - consider describing how Jason's foot slipped (and maybe remove “made the mistake of”, this feels a bit off as laughing isn't usually something one can control) and how Bella's face looked - did her eyebrows raise? Did her eyes widen?

“I see something,” Connor said, eyes narrowing. “Over there!”

Good! This really gives a sense of what Connor could be looking at.

We got our phones out and turned on our flashlights. We waited for Jason and Connor climbed down from the tree.

Here's a good opportunity to show their reaction to what Connor saw - are they shaking? Hesitant? Do they do it quickly?
(Also - might wanna reread the second sentence, the wording is a little off)

Once they got down they both turned they’re flashlights on too.

I don't think you need this - it's implied that they do by the previous line.

The four of them walked over to the ‘thing’ that Connor pointed to. They only walked for maybe 30 seconds until they reached the they place Connor pointed out.

Consider whether they know what Connor pointed to - if they don't, “the place” might be better than “the thing”. The second line is a bit of telling, try describing what that 30 seconds is like, how the walk is. Does it seem slower? Is the undergrowth thick?

I shined my flashlight on the it. “Is- is that a-?” I was shaking so much that I just couldn’t get my words out.

The first sentence - check the wording. Also - you could add some descriptive language. Try “filling with dread, I shined my flashlight towards it.”
The second part is great!

Jason nodded grimly, “A body.”

Great word choice.

whiteandblackcat wrote:

snip

I've made some changes and all the advice you gave was really great, thanks. I've only changed up to where you got to though, so none of the end bit has changed yet. Also do you have any title ideas?

“Three pea*s in a pod” has a slight spelling mistake of which I'm corrected here.

When she fell down, I actually thought it had been something physically pushing her down(although it was cleared up in the next few sentences), but I don't really know what else you could out there. This part is not that big of a help lel


Altogether though, it's really nice, and I did not expect that plot twist at the end- good job <3

Ooh! I really like the cliffhanger!

There's nothing that desperately needs to be fixed that hasn't already been pointed out.

The tone for the body discovery is really good, with everything feeling all hard to get too. The things like shaky hands etc… are a perfect build-up. The only way I can think of to pack a better patch is to get more descriptive to immerses us even more. Of course, I doubt scratch would like that lmao.

For title ideas, try and narrow down what titles you don't want?

Does a long winded title like: The mystery of Paris Dawn's Murder? sound right or: Woodland death. Short and snappy?

Sorry for being such little help eiohfwoif

Imacreamoo wrote:

Ooh! I really like the cliffhanger!

There's nothing that desperately needs to be fixed that hasn't already been pointed out.

The tone for the body discovery is really good, with everything feeling all hard to get too. The things like shaky hands etc… are a perfect build-up. The only way I can think of to pack a better patch is to get more descriptive to immerses us even more. Of course, I doubt scratch would like that lmao.

For title ideas, try and narrow down what titles you don't want?

Does a long winded title like: The mystery of Paris Dawn's Murder? sound right or: Woodland death. Short and snappy?

Sorry for being such little help eiohfwoif

Thank you so much

amyfarthing- wrote:

whiteandblackcat wrote:

snip

I've made some changes and all the advice you gave was really great, thanks. I've only changed up to where you got to though, so none of the end bit has changed yet. Also do you have any title ideas?

you did really good, it's looking much better! I'll finish the rest of the crit soon <33

whiteandblackcat wrote:

amyfarthing- wrote:

whiteandblackcat wrote:

snip

I've made some changes and all the advice you gave was really great, thanks. I've only changed up to where you got to though, so none of the end bit has changed yet. Also do you have any title ideas?

you did really good, it's looking much better! I'll finish the rest of the crit soon <33

Okay thank you so much, you've been really helpful!

(the few paragraphs after i left off)
all these are really good!

An officer sped past me and Bella as we were walking to where Jason and Connor were speaking to two officers. “Hello, I’ve just been talking to Jason and Connor here. We’re going to need to take you into the station to just get a report on what’s happened today.”

You could probably describe the scene a bit - is it overwhelming? confusing? are there officers everywhere?

Two other officers said at the sight

Check your wording and spelling - sight is something you look at (e.g. he laughed at the sight of himself) and site is a place (e.g. the site of the crime). Just check which one you want there.

I actually don't have any other crit, the last few paragraphs are a lot stronger than the start was!

Oh my gosh. That’s amazing! (I’m not in SWC, but I found this). I love the plot twist, and how, through the whole story, you can feel so much emotion. Great job! I love how you set up the story, leaving no questions un-answered, and how you describe exactly where they are, what they’re smelling, etc. I also love how you wrote it so powerfully, I’m able to feel the characters emotions. I feel nervous when Venus feels nervous, I feel scared when they find Paris, etc. Great job, you should be proud of it!

twinsrule123 wrote:

Oh my gosh. That’s amazing! (I’m not in SWC, but I found this). I love the plot twist, and how, through the whole story, you can feel so much emotion. Great job! I love how you set up the story, leaving no questions un-answered, and how you describe exactly where they are, what they’re smelling, etc. I also love how you wrote it so powerfully, I’m able to feel the characters emotions. I feel nervous when Venus feels nervous, I feel scared when they find Paris, etc. Great job, you should be proud of it!

thank you so much i really appreciate it. im glad you like it <3

OK MY GOODESS THAT WAS GREAT-

One of the biggest things for me was how you portrayed the main couple as any normal couple. It wasn't different, people didn't treat them differently, they were just a cute couple who leaned on each other for support.

–twist at the end: yESSsss that was a great little “button” to end it off and just stop it at a cliff hanger.

this is just me being a bit picky with the formatting, but could you indent or add an extra space between the clumps of text? For example.

I laughed, “Would you go to Tartarus for me?”

She smirked, “Debatable.”

“Scandalous!” I proclaimed.

She giggled sweetly “Of course I would Venus.”

—

Together we walked back in the direction of Jason and Connor who seemed to be struggling to climb the tree. The tree was covered in mesmerising bright green foliage. It had lots of thin branches and then thicker branches towards the top making it ridiculously hard to climb. “Having fun?” I called.

Jason laughed and started to say something but his foot slipped on a branch. He scrambled to regain balance and grunted, “Always.”

That way it gives a break for the reader. Allows them more time to “take a breath”. With big clumps of text like that your eyes sometimes gloss over and you're trying to find where the indent should be, but it takes more energy since there's only one enter and not a space/indent with it.

Then you can replace the place where you do add a space between the different sections with a line/page break. I tend to just use three dashes “—”.

We spend every single day together however, on this one day Paris was away on holiday in, well, Paris!

This was a great way to show personality of the narrator through the text! Just make sure to be careful with those commas

Bella and I quickly nominative got our verb phones accusative out and turned on our flashlights but Bella’s shaky hand brushed against mine. We nominative waited verb for Jason and Connor accusative to climbdown from the tree before going any further. The four of us walked over to the place that Connor pointed to.

The bolded part is kind of a boring sentence. It would be nice to see some varied sentence structure, as for all three of your sentences here follow the “nominative, verb, accusative”. You do add some vaired structure by including “to climbdown from the tree before going any further” but it would be nice using some passives. If you do this though, be careful about your tenses.

But another idea you could do to make that sentence more interesting is by explaining what “the place that Connor pointed to” is.

Ahh this is really awesome and I hope this helps <3

this is really good! i have two main pieces of advice
firstly, show not tell. secondly, the level of description.

i'm going to give an example here

The field smelt of freshly mown grass and there were little daffodils scattered throughout the grass

this is telling instead of showing, which generally isn't very good form.
instead, it could be changed to

'the smell of freshly mown grass wafted through the field, and i could see little daffodils scattered throughout the grass.'

now the level of description

Things started out the way they always did, we met up at Jason’s house which is closest to the field we were going to. The field smelt of freshly mown grass and there were little daffodils scattered throughout the grass.There we were, on the field with Connor’s speaker bullying to the beat of the pop music being played. We got up and sprinted around, chasing and tackling each other to the ground.

this is just super rushed and the pacing is much faster compared to the rest of the writing. you could perhaps go into a little bit more detail? just like little actions that you describe between them.
for example, you could describe who arrives first at jason's house. maybe venus is late and they act fake-annoyed at her, before heading to the field. (also, what does bullying to the beat of the music mean?)
maybe for the sprinting scene, bella helps her up or convinces her to play around or something?

you dont need to describe it all in excruciating detail - describing the transition between them will still make the viewer feel like it was all described well.
overall this is really good!! good luck, i didnt expect that plot twist at all, i hope that you win

i'm re reading this for fun it's seriously so good

caramelize wrote:

i'm re reading this for fun it's seriously so good

Your making me so happy cara thank you so much ily <3