talkingtoilet8 wrote:

sunnypiano wrote:

Screwing up her eyes, I slowly calmed herself down. My family had relocated to Boston from San Francisco. Meanwhile, my dad was somewhere in the garage tinkering with tools. My family's mansion? Sold. My piano? Sold. My beloved treasures had been sold, against her own will. “Why couldn't they ship them here?” I thought. My parents' answers had been too expensive, or just shut up. Since my parents divorced, they had been always mean to me. My sister had been sent to live with our grandma. Now I was alone. All alone. I looked around, catching glances of the bright orange room. Then I stood up and strolled to the door. I tried the knob. Locked. Of COURSE! My dad always locked her in, only allowing her to come out at breakfast, lunch, and dinner time. She couldn't understand her parents. Why had they divorced? All was a mystery, of course. The orange telephone rang, causing her to jump. Answering the phone, I heard voices in the background. I groaned, then put the phone down. My sister always was annoying me. Just because she was born 1 hour before me, she was always was a snob. Maria do this, Maria do that. A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G. Then the lock of my door clicked, and a mysterious voice (totally not her dad's) called out,“Maria…, Maria…., Maria….”.

A huge monster strolled into my room. I quickly dove under my bed for extra protection. The monster cried out, “Mwah-hah-a!, Mwah-hah-a!” I laughed at myself, thinking that he had been saying “Maria….” Then he took out a huge flowery umbrella, waved it, and said, “Accio Maria!” To my surprise, I flew out from under my bed, and landed in a big heap right next to where he was standing. He smiled, then seized me off the ground and threw me over his shoulders. I hung, limply, on top of his wide, broad shoulders. Just then, I seized my chance. The monster had started taking out lipstick, and started outlining his or her lips. Suddenly, I jumped down onto the ground and ran for my life. But the doorknob was locked. Weird, wasn't it? The monster had noticed by now, so he or she charged toward me, and threw me onto the ground. “Wait here,” the monster said. For some weird reason, I obeyed. Then, the monster started putting on makeup. Then the monster threw on a pair of human clothes, and said in a squeaky voice,“ Do you recognize me?”
I looked at the face, now pretty. I then remembered the face from the first day of my life. I then asked, wiping my tears away,“ Mom???”
“Yes,” she answered.
I didn't recognize who she was. I then asked,“What happened?”
She answered,“I'm a witch.”

It's confusing. Is it from Maria's point of view? because it sometimes refers to her as “she” and sometimes as “I”

I'll fix it. Thanks for letting me know!

Screwing up my eyes, I slowly calmed herself down. My family had relocated to Boston from San Francisco. Meanwhile, my dad was somewhere in the garage tinkering with tools. My family's mansion? Sold. My piano? Sold. My beloved treasures had been sold, against my own will. “Why couldn't they ship them here?” I thought. My parents' answers had been too expensive, or just shut up. Since my parents divorced, they had been always mean to me. My sister had been sent to live with our grandma. Now I was alone. All alone. I looked around, catching glances of the bright orange room. Then I stood up and strolled to the door. I tried the knob. Locked. Of COURSE! My dad always locked me in, only allowing me to come out at breakfast, lunch, and dinner time. I couldn't understand my parents. Why had they divorced? All was a mystery, of course. The orange telephone rang, causing me to jump. Answering the phone, I heard voices in the background. I groaned, then put the phone down. My sister always was annoying me. Just because she was born 1 hour before me, she was always was a snob. Maria do this, Maria do that. A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G. Then the lock of my door clicked, and a mysterious voice (totally not her dad's) called out,“Maria…, Maria…., Maria….”.

A huge monster strolled into my room. I quickly dove under my bed for extra protection. The monster cried out, “Mwah-hah-a!, Mwah-hah-a!” I laughed at myself, thinking that he had been saying “Maria….” Then he took out a huge flowery umbrella, waved it, and said, “Accio Maria!” To my surprise, I flew out from under my bed, and landed in a big heap right next to where he was standing. He smiled, then seized me off the ground and threw me over his shoulders. I hung, limply, on top of his wide, broad shoulders. Just then, I seized my chance. The monster had started taking out lipstick, and started outlining his or her lips. Suddenly, I jumped down onto the ground and ran for my life. But the doorknob was locked. Weird, wasn't it? The monster had noticed by now, so he or she charged toward me, and threw me onto the ground. “Wait here,” the monster said. For some weird reason, I obeyed. Then, the monster started putting on makeup. Then the monster threw on a pair of human clothes, and said in a squeaky voice,“ Do you recognize me?”
I looked at the face, now pretty. I then remembered the face from the first day of my life. I then asked, wiping my tears away,“ Mom???”
“Yes,” she answered.
I didn't recognize who she was. I then asked,“What happened?”
She answered,“I'm a witch.”

Here are a few you missed:

sunnypiano wrote:

I slowly calmed herself down.

sunnypiano wrote:

My beloved treasures had been sold, against her own will.

sunnypiano wrote:

and a mysterious voice (totally not her dad's) called out

Tyman187 wrote:

@HarryB178
Is our mini-game the Santa Screws Up? If so, I have already begun development. Thanks!

Yes

sunnypiano wrote:

Screwing up my eyes, I slowly calmed herself down. My family had relocated to Boston from San Francisco. Meanwhile, my dad was somewhere in the garage tinkering with tools. My family's mansion? Sold. My piano? Sold. My beloved treasures had been sold, against her own will. “Why couldn't they ship them here?” I thought. My parents' answers had been too expensive, or just shut up. Since my parents divorced, they had been always mean to me. My sister had been sent to live with our grandma. Now I was alone. All alone. I looked around, catching glances of the bright orange room. Then I stood up and strolled to the door. I tried the knob. Locked. Of COURSE! My dad always locked me in, only allowing me to come out at breakfast, lunch, and dinner time. I couldn't understand my parents. Why had they divorced? All was a mystery, of course. The orange telephone rang, causing me to jump. Answering the phone, I heard voices in the background. I groaned, then put the phone down. My sister always was annoying me. Just because she was born 1 hour before me, she was always was a snob. Maria do this, Maria do that. A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G. Then the lock of my door clicked, and a mysterious voice (totally not her dad's) called out,“Maria…, Maria…., Maria….”.

A huge monster strolled into my room. I quickly dove under my bed for extra protection. The monster cried out, “Mwah-hah-a!, Mwah-hah-a!” I laughed at myself, thinking that he had been saying “Maria….” Then he took out a huge flowery umbrella, waved it, and said, “Accio Maria!” To my surprise, I flew out from under my bed, and landed in a big heap right next to where he was standing. He smiled, then seized me off the ground and threw me over his shoulders. I hung, limply, on top of his wide, broad shoulders. Just then, I seized my chance. The monster had started taking out lipstick, and started outlining his or her lips. Suddenly, I jumped down onto the ground and ran for my life. But the doorknob was locked. Weird, wasn't it? The monster had noticed by now, so he or she charged toward me, and threw me onto the ground. “Wait here,” the monster said. For some weird reason, I obeyed. Then, the monster started putting on makeup. Then the monster threw on a pair of human clothes, and said in a squeaky voice,“ Do you recognize me?”
I looked at the face, now pretty. I then remembered the face from the first day of my life. I then asked, wiping my tears away,“ Mom???”
“Yes,” she answered.
I didn't recognize who she was. I then asked,“What happened?”
She answered,“I'm a witch.”

I like it! Though the Umbrella and the ‘accio maria’ are kind of copied from Harry Potter. Great Chapter!

talkingtoilet8 wrote:

ok, here the first draft of chapter 1 of the Daemonslayer. I will fix it up a lot though

Hravlos knocked on the door. “I'm coming” said a cranky voice from inside the old cabin of decaying logs, placed as if for a fire and not for anyone to live in. The young swordsman looked around him. Nothing but snow, ice and hail for as long as he could see. It was barely believable that someone could live in such a barren wasteland as were the Mountains of Permafrost, the highest point in the kingdom. But Hravlos knew that once, a great civilization known as the Barkom lived here. He had passed several of their castles on the way up. Their silver statues of the centaurs that used to live there still remained, lost in the memories of men and elves.

The old man finally opened the door. He was wearing a wool cloak with snowflakes embroidered in it, and his long white beard stretched across the floor of the ice-like house serving as a carpet. (“very handy” thought Hravlos). The man seemed only 70 or so in human years, but this man was clearly not human. Probably Elven, maybe fairy, or perhaps a dwarf; but there was no chances of him being human.

Hravlos picked a crumpled piece of paper from his pocked. “Are you Jackuar Icefor…”
“Yes, I'm Jack Frost, the master of the Barkom and King of Permafrost. Now come in, don't stay out in the hot”
The place was colder on the inside than it was on the outside, if that was by any means possible. The swordsman noticed a single painting on the wall. The paint looked quite fresh, as if it was painted recently, unless the ice keeps it like that.
“Who is the lady in the painting?” he asked Master Frost
“That's mine daughter, Illsed Frost. One day, she will lead the Barkom into battle”
“But the Barkom are dead! Lord Darkko killed then long ago”
“One day, she will lead the Barkom into battle”
“Anyway, Baron Elgosh, my master, asked for this old scroll. It's called ice spells of infinity. Can I borrow it?” Hravlos did not want to spent another instant with this man. He seemed strangely dangerous. Unexpectedly, Frost put an old piece of parchment into his hand. The tips of Hravlos' fingers turned blue as if frostbitten. He screamed and dropped the scroll, and blasts of ice flew out of his hand and formed a large sphere of solid snow
“The best part is it cannot be broken in any way” said the old man laughing “so it allowed me to make the perfect sword. ”

Hravlos wasn't taking any more chances. He dashed out like a firebolt , scroll in hand and clambered on to his horse as fast as possible, and rode down the mountain as fast as his horse could. He only stopped once:
A book was lying on the floor. Hravlos ignored it, as there were several sprawled across the floor on his descent, and seized his water horn from his belt, but when a couple drops fell onto the book, thus causing it to change shape. The shape of a ghost? The shape of a wolf? The shape of dragon? Somewhat between the three. It had huge claws and sharp fangs. Hravlos drew his sword and sliced right through it, turning it back into a book, but bursting the blade apart. He looked around as if expecting something to happen, and simply grabbed the book and was off, a voice booming in his head “One day, she will lead the Barkom into battle. One day, she will lead the Barkom into battle. One day…”

@HarryB178 and @sunnypiano: any suggestions? things that aren't clear? misspellings?

talkingtoilet8 wrote:

talkingtoilet8 wrote:

ok, here the first draft of chapter 1 of the Daemonslayer. I will fix it up a lot though

Hravlos knocked on the door. “I'm coming” said a cranky voice from inside the old cabin of decaying logs, placed as if for a fire and not for anyone to live in. The young swordsman looked around him. Nothing but snow, ice and hail for as long as he could see. It was barely believable that someone could live in such a barren wasteland as were the Mountains of Permafrost, the highest point in the kingdom. But Hravlos knew that once, a great civilization known as the Barkom lived here. He had passed several of their castles on the way up. Their silver statues of the centaurs that used to live there still remained, lost in the memories of men and elves.

The old man finally opened the door. He was wearing a wool cloak with snowflakes embroidered in it, and his long white beard stretched across the floor of the ice-like house serving as a carpet. (“very handy” thought Hravlos). The man seemed only 70 or so in human years, but this man was clearly not human. Probably Elven, maybe fairy, or perhaps a dwarf; but there was no chances of him being human.

Hravlos picked a crumpled piece of paper from his pocked. “Are you Jackuar Icefor…”
“Yes, I'm Jack Frost, the master of the Barkom and King of Permafrost. Now come in, don't stay out in the hot”
The place was colder on the inside than it was on the outside, if that was by any means possible. The swordsman noticed a single painting on the wall. The paint looked quite fresh, as if it was painted recently, unless the ice keeps it like that.
“Who is the lady in the painting?” he asked Master Frost
“That's mine daughter, Illsed Frost. One day, she will lead the Barkom into battle”
“But the Barkom are dead! Lord Darkko killed then long ago”
“One day, she will lead the Barkom into battle”
“Anyway, Baron Elgosh, my master, asked for this old scroll. It's called ice spells of infinity. Can I borrow it?” Hravlos did not want to spent another instant with this man. He seemed strangely dangerous. Unexpectedly, Frost put an old piece of parchment into his hand. The tips of Hravlos' fingers turned blue as if frostbitten. He screamed and dropped the scroll, and blasts of ice flew out of his hand and formed a large sphere of solid snow
“The best part is it cannot be broken in any way” said the old man laughing “so it allowed me to make the perfect sword. ”

Hravlos wasn't taking any more chances. He dashed out like a firebolt , scroll in hand and clambered on to his horse as fast as possible, and rode down the mountain as fast as his horse could. He only stopped once:
A book was lying on the floor. Hravlos ignored it, as there were several sprawled across the floor on his descent, and seized his water horn from his belt, but when a couple drops fell onto the book, thus causing it to change shape. The shape of a ghost? The shape of a wolf? The shape of dragon? Somewhat between the three. It had huge claws and sharp fangs. Hravlos drew his sword and sliced right through it, turning it back into a book, but bursting the blade apart. He looked around as if expecting something to happen, and simply grabbed the book and was off, a voice booming in his head “One day, she will lead the Barkom into battle. One day, she will lead the Barkom into battle. One day…”

@HarryB178 and @sunnypiano: any suggestions? things that aren't clear? misspellings?

I think its amazing! I cannot find any faults really.

HarryB178 wrote:

talkingtoilet8 wrote:

talkingtoilet8 wrote:

ok, here the first draft of chapter 1 of the Daemonslayer. I will fix it up a lot though

…

@HarryB178 and @sunnypiano: any suggestions? things that aren't clear? misspellings?

I think its amazing! I cannot find any faults really.

Thanks!

Leave Form
Time: Until December 1st
Reason: We have a limited supply of internet data at out house and it's all used up for the month.

@Co49: Is the survey idea done yet or the featured studio chosen? They are supposed to be

Has anyone remixed and is working on Santa Screws Up? I fixed some glitches so if you have you will lose them

Screwing up my eyes, I slowly calmed myself down. My family had relocated to Boston from San Francisco. Meanwhile, my dad was somewhere in the garage tinkering with tools. My family's mansion? Sold. My piano? Sold. My beloved treasures had been sold, against my own will. “Why couldn't they ship them here?” I thought. My parents' answers had been too expensive, or just shut up. Since my parents divorced, they had been always mean to me. My sister had been sent to live with our grandma. Now I was alone. All alone. I looked around, catching glances of the bright orange room. Then I stood up and strolled to the door. I tried the knob. Locked. Of COURSE! My dad always locked me in, only allowing me to come out at breakfast, lunch, and dinner time. I couldn't understand my parents. Why had they divorced? All was a mystery, of course. The orange telephone rang, causing me to jump. Answering the phone, I heard voices in the background. I groaned, then put the phone down. My sister always was annoying me. Just because she was born 1 hour before me, she was always was a snob. Maria do this, Maria do that. A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G. Then the lock of my door clicked, and a mysterious voice (totally not my dad's) called out,“Maria…, Maria…., Maria….”.

A huge monster strolled into my room. I quickly dove under my bed for extra protection. The monster cried out, “Mwah-hah-a!, Mwah-hah-a!” I laughed at myself, thinking that he had been saying “Maria….” Then he took out a huge flowery umbrella, waved it, and said, “Accio Maria!” To my surprise, I flew out from under my bed, and landed in a big heap right next to where he was standing. He smiled, then seized me off the ground and threw me over his shoulders. I hung, limply, on top of his wide, broad shoulders. Just then, I seized my chance. The monster had started taking out lipstick, and started outlining his or her lips. Suddenly, I jumped down onto the ground and ran for my life. But the doorknob was locked. Weird, wasn't it? The monster had noticed by now, so he or she charged toward me, and threw me onto the ground. “Wait here,” the monster said. For some weird reason, I obeyed. Then, the monster started putting on makeup. Then the monster threw on a pair of human clothes, and said in a squeaky voice,“ Do you recognize me?”
I looked at the face, now pretty. I then remembered the face from the first day of my life. I then asked, wiping my tears away,“ Mom???”
“Yes,” she answered.
I didn't recognize who she was. I then asked,“What happened?”
She answered,“I'm a witch.”

(Credit to: Harry Potter series for the umbrella and the “accio!” idea.)

sunnypiano wrote:

Screwing up my eyes, I slowly calmed myself down. My family had relocated to Boston from San Francisco. Meanwhile, my dad was somewhere in the garage tinkering with tools. My family's mansion? Sold. My piano? Sold. My beloved treasures had been sold, against my own will. “Why couldn't they ship them here?” I thought. My parents' answers had been too expensive, or just shut up. Since my parents divorced, they had been always mean to me. My sister had been sent to live with our grandma. Now I was alone. All alone. I looked around, catching glances of the bright orange room. Then I stood up and strolled to the door. I tried the knob. Locked. Of COURSE! My dad always locked me in, only allowing me to come out at breakfast, lunch, and dinner time. I couldn't understand my parents. Why had they divorced? All was a mystery, of course. The orange telephone rang, causing me to jump. Answering the phone, I heard voices in the background. I groaned, then put the phone down. My sister always was annoying me. Just because she was born 1 hour before me, she was always was a snob. Maria do this, Maria do that. A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G. Then the lock of my door clicked, and a mysterious voice (totally not my dad's) called out,“Maria…, Maria…., Maria….”.

A huge monster strolled into my room. I quickly dove under my bed for extra protection. The monster cried out, “Mwah-hah-a!, Mwah-hah-a!” I laughed at myself, thinking that he had been saying “Maria….” Then he took out a huge flowery umbrella, waved it, and said, “Accio Maria!” To my surprise, I flew out from under my bed, and landed in a big heap right next to where he was standing. He smiled, then seized me off the ground and threw me over his shoulders. I hung, limply, on top of his wide, broad shoulders. Just then, I seized my chance. The monster had started taking out lipstick, and started outlining his or her lips. Suddenly, I jumped down onto the ground and ran for my life. But the doorknob was locked. Weird, wasn't it? The monster had noticed by now, so he or she charged toward me, and threw me onto the ground. “Wait here,” the monster said. For some weird reason, I obeyed. Then, the monster started putting on makeup. Then the monster threw on a pair of human clothes, and said in a squeaky voice,“ Do you recognize me?”
I looked at the face, now pretty. I then remembered the face from the first day of my life. I then asked, wiping my tears away,“ Mom???”
“Yes,” she answered.
I didn't recognize who she was. I then asked,“What happened?”
She answered,“I'm a witch.”

(Credit to: Harry Potter series for the umbrella and the “accio!” idea.)

Also I do not think ‘dove’ is a word… I thought it was dived?

talkingtoilet8 wrote:

Has anyone remixed and is working on Santa Screws Up? I fixed some glitches so if you have you will lose them

Yes, I have.

Left Alone Game Review
Graphics-7.5/10.0- Enough to tell me what was everything basically was, but the graphics weren't the best.
Clean Code-9.0/10.0- I can't get past the hallway after the room with the couch and secret passage paper, because of a glitch.
Gameplay-9.5/10.0- The gameplay style is fun, and unique. The music fits well with the soroundings. I felt the diary entrees added to the feel, but I do think the diary entrees did give spoilers about the room if you read it before exploring.
Purpose-10.0/10.0- Unique, exciting game that keeps you interested!
Overall-36.0/40.0
Accolades Awarded-Pro Invent Pass with Merit
Worthy to be Featured?-Yes.

HarryB178 wrote:

sunnypiano wrote:

Screwing up my eyes, I slowly calmed myself down. My family had relocated to Boston from San Francisco. Meanwhile, my dad was somewhere in the garage tinkering with tools. My family's mansion? Sold. My piano? Sold. My beloved treasures had been sold, against my own will. “Why couldn't they ship them here?” I thought. My parents' answers had been too expensive, or just shut up. Since my parents divorced, they had been always mean to me. My sister had been sent to live with our grandma. Now I was alone. All alone. I looked around, catching glances of the bright orange room. Then I stood up and strolled to the door. I tried the knob. Locked. Of COURSE! My dad always locked me in, only allowing me to come out at breakfast, lunch, and dinner time. I couldn't understand my parents. Why had they divorced? All was a mystery, of course. The orange telephone rang, causing me to jump. Answering the phone, I heard voices in the background. I groaned, then put the phone down. My sister always was annoying me. Just because she was born 1 hour before me, she was always was a snob. Maria do this, Maria do that. A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G. Then the lock of my door clicked, and a mysterious voice (totally not my dad's) called out,“Maria…, Maria…., Maria….”.

A huge monster strolled into my room. I quickly dove under my bed for extra protection. The monster cried out, “Mwah-hah-a!, Mwah-hah-a!” I laughed at myself, thinking that he had been saying “Maria….” Then he took out a huge flowery umbrella, waved it, and said, “Accio Maria!” To my surprise, I flew out from under my bed, and landed in a big heap right next to where he was standing. He smiled, then seized me off the ground and threw me over his shoulders. I hung, limply, on top of his wide, broad shoulders. Just then, I seized my chance. The monster had started taking out lipstick, and started outlining his or her lips. Suddenly, I jumped down onto the ground and ran for my life. But the doorknob was locked. Weird, wasn't it? The monster had noticed by now, so he or she charged toward me, and threw me onto the ground. “Wait here,” the monster said. For some weird reason, I obeyed. Then, the monster started putting on makeup. Then the monster threw on a pair of human clothes, and said in a squeaky voice,“ Do you recognize me?”
I looked at the face, now pretty. I then remembered the face from the first day of my life. I then asked, wiping my tears away,“ Mom???”
“Yes,” she answered.
I didn't recognize who she was. I then asked,“What happened?”
She answered,“I'm a witch.”

(Credit to: Harry Potter series for the umbrella and the “accio!” idea.)

Also I do not think ‘dove’ is a word… I thought it was dived?

They are both right http://conjugator.reverso.net/conjugation-english-verb-dive.html

ngreen1266 wrote:

Sunnypiano-Are you still going to be a game reviewer?

No. Sorry, I don't have much time.

Unfortunately, I think I have to quit this collab due to school and other personal reasons. @Co49 Really sorry! Hope this collab goes places!

@everyone
Very sorry everyone, I have been very inactive lately. I will reply to posts and assignments soon.