“ocean acidification”

☀

a short story - 1987 words, excluding subtitles.
my entry for march 2021's swc writing competition, hope you enjoy <3

find the project version here - but this forum post is the most updated.
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Part 1 (the beach)

Lila kicked at the sand.

The damp, clumpy sand seemed to be the only thing that didn’t change in her life - that, and the suffocating smog that washed the color out of everything. The bright white sun poking out did little to comfort her.

Images from yesterday’s dive to check on the corals flashed before her. They were like scenes from a ghost story. The once vibrant, lively coral reefs from when she was a toddler were gone; now, they were replaced with a chalky white, the corals sparse like the hairs on a balding man. She wanted to scream - everything was terrifyingly confusing.

“Hello, Lila.” A familiar voice interrupted her thoughts. Nomori, a few years older than her, was a treasured comrade: diligent and calm, he was in charge of processing delicacies and getting them ready for the King’s package.

Lila was ready to snap at anyone who came her way, but didn’t want to anger Nomori. Especially not now. “Hey,” the teenage girl responded with a tint of exasperation, not lifting her gaze off of the lapping waves. “I’ve gathered the necessary supplies, Nomori.”

“What’s wrong, Lila? You look upset…” His voice trailed off.

She wanted to laugh, a screeching, cackling laugh like the evil queens in storybooks. Stop pretending you don’t know what’s going on, Nomori! Stop dodging the problem!

Sighing, Lila handed the knapsack of supplies to him, feeling the knotted cloth slip through her hands and into Nomori’s burly ones. It was for the King’s package, a delivery of an ocean delicacy the imprisoned Lyori people were obliged to make - day in and day out, without exception.

“Thanks.”

He took a pause - contemplating, maybe. The salty wind licked their faces.

Nomori peered in after loosening the strings of the knapsack. The various choices for the package looked almost alien to him - a typical conch shell the size of his hand, but with glossy white streaks that tarnished its beautiful bronze color; a tangle of kelp, not smooth and thick but scratchy, looking like it could fall apart at any moment.

Just months ago, picking a suitable delicacy was worrisome, yes, but they could trust the ocean. Just months ago, everyone was healthy, not falling ill with strange symptoms; what had happened?

“I-if this is all we have, then… we’ll have to work with what your group’s got.”

“Yeah.” Lila glanced at the groups of children near their huts, who were diligently scrubbing at a stash of oyster shells, trying to remove the bleached and coarse parts. If you don’t want to talk about the issue, then there’s no use pushing it. I guess talking about our problems won’t magically solve them.

“Okay. I’ll bring it back to the processing station.” As much as Nomori tried to hide it, there was a tremor in his youthful voice.

He thought about the way the King’s army ravaged their beach into ruins a few weeks ago, after the King was upset about that day’s delicacy. Nightmarish thoughts crept into his mind - the military from the Outside kingdom will surely come again today and destroy everything in their path. Some of our people are already desperately ill; is this some punishment we’d earned for ourselves?

Lila kicked at the sand, watching Nomori’s shadow recede into the distance as he made his way back to the huts. She rarely got angry, but here she felt so helpless. How was she to control this mysterious problem that seemed to destroy everything she knew to be true?

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Part 2 (the Kingdom)

The Lyorians on the beach called the kingdom that ruled them the Outside world. None of them had ever gotten a glimpse of the kingdom that dictated their lives - the smog that surrounded the beach was too thick to see through.

. . . .

It was another typical day, of factories and the King’s volatile temper.

These factories lined the kingdom in rows, surrounding the King’s castle in the center. They were all in a shade of silvery grey; the only speck of color was the castle (a scarlet red) that poked through the thick haze, like a drop of blood on a newly bought carpet.

Inside the E-43 factory, the harsh whirring of the machines muffled any attempt at a conversation. This was a factory for workers of “medium ability”, and they produced little switches that would be used in assembling electronic gadgets. The workers were lined in endless rows, each person spaced exactly five feet apart - no more, no less.

“The government sent an order to increase production,” a worker whispered.

“Yes. I’ve heard.” Another responded, though it was hard to see his expressions. His face was a chalky white, covered with an ash-like powder that came from certain machines.

“Does that mean anything for us?”

“Probably not. You know how it is - probably just some impulse of the King’s. It’ll go back to normal.”

“I hope so. These working hours are getting unbearable, and gosh, the suffocating fumes when you step outside…”

Just then, an older worker gave the two a sideways glance, as if to say - “don’t you know better than to chat?”

Ashamed, the two workers promptly returned to their work. They were new to the factory, and hadn’t grasped the fear that permeated the room. Hadn’t realized how some workers were swiftly executed when they showed any sign of pleasure or disobedience, and how when that happened, others would sigh with relief. They’d be glad it was not them.

There was no point in talking about the increase in production, anyway; it was out of their control, and the government controlled everything.

If a worker stepped outside the factory, the government’s castle stood only a few blocks away. The factories surrounded the castle in a circular labyrinth, designed so ordinary citizens would never have access to the prized building - not that anyone would dare to try. The castle was a skyscraper, coated in a red so bright it almost made up for the lack of color elsewhere.

Inside the top floor of the castle, King Q. lounged in his lavish armchair. All around him were photos portraying the war some thirty years ago, framed in flaming red with gold crisscrossing the corners. There was a picture of the kingdom’s best troops, saluting to their national anthem, and another of the King himself, still wearing a youthful grin. These reminded the King daily of his might and power, and to the servants, a glaring indicator of how weak they were.

Impatient, King Q tapped his shoe against the marbled floor. His gaze drifted toward the glass case that proudly displayed the sacrifices from the imprisoned Lyorians. Picking up an oyster shell, the King rubbed its smooth surface between his sweaty palms. Just to pass the time. It was nearing 6pm, the time of the daily delicacy delivery, and he could not bear to consider another disappointing package. The Lyorians were his subjects as much as those inside the kingdom; why couldn’t they obey?

The King was desperate for some fresh air, something to distract him.

“You there! Open that window.” His voice reverberated around the room.

The servants immediately snapped to attention. “Yes, your majesty.”

Thick clouds of smoke immediately oozed into the castle, little trails of pollution floating and slamming into every decoration. Seeing his bloated face heat up with rage, servants timidly ducked behind a door.

Then, he remembered. There was a solution to this monstrosity.

With the flick of a switch, the Redirector - a million-dollar project his government had spent years on creating - pushed the fumes in the direction of the beach. The King didn’t really know how it worked, only that it got the burning, contaminated air out of his proximity. And into the beach, where maybe those people would finally realize their lowly place in the world.

Much better, the King thought, tossing a liquor can out the window.

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Part 3 (the beach)

It was night now, past 10 o’clock.

Most Lyorians were asleep - or, given the stress today, tossing and turning in bed like a fish out of water. Lila remembered how they had, in the end, just prepared the best package they could. The conch shell that Nomori had examined in his hand was then meticulously decorated with little braids of kelp and whatnot, to make it seem like the bleached streaks were actually pretty. Like they were actually meant to be - like the ocean hadn’t betrayed them.

But the anxiety, hanging like an invisible curtain in the air, never went away. Lila felt it too, as did Nomori; it was a brewing earthquake in their restless minds.

Unable to shake the unease off of her, Lila tiptoed outside the hut she shared with her mother. She found herself wandering to her favorite spot as a kid, a squat little wall to sit on top of. And there, a dark outline against the even darker sky, was Nomori.

Lila giggled. How this situation was even funny, she had no idea, but…

“How did you even guess that I’d come here?” Lila swung herself on top of the wall.

Nomori stifled a chuckle. “How did you know I was here?”

“Well.”

“Well?”

The tension between them in the afternoon seemed to have dissipated. Maybe it was the fact that the delivery was done, and nothing could be done anymore. Or something else.

They sat in silence for a while, breathing in the familiar dome of darkness that surrounded them. No magical stars, just night that seemed to stretch on.
But even with this quiet, Lila couldn’t sit still knowing that at any point - maybe now - the King’s army could barge right in. How could she be peaceful not knowing whether His Majesty would be satisfied? And most of all, how could all of them keep submitting themselves to this cursed routine, with the beach and the people plagued with an unknown contagion?

Lila would never be able to sleep at night, not while she could… do something.

“I can’t stand it anymore, Nomori,” she blurted.

Nomori frowned. “Stand what… oh? Yeah, everyone’s unease has been bugging me.”

“No, more than that. Have you thought about…” she took a breath. “What if this was different? I… I know this isolated beach is all we have known. But things have been deteriorating so quickly! And who says that we have to submit to this demand of the King’s, in the outside kingdom we’ve never even seen?”

He exhaled, gazing out into the shore. “Well - tell me more. Go on…”

“During the war thirty years ago, our relatives fought hard, didn’t they? I mean, you can’t exactly say they succeeded…” Lila remembered her mother telling her stories. How the Lyori kingdom used to be so prosperous, until the more powerful kingdom won. “Look - I’m tired of not doing anything about this. Right now, all of us are waiting, sitting on the edge of our seats! To see if the army would just ravage our beach again. Can we… fight back, start a movement?”

Nomori broke into a reluctant laugh. “Are you asking me whether we can? I mean, Lila, you’re so impractical. But I agree; I’m tired of sitting around, too.”

Lila continued on. “For starters, we could tell the others. Ask around, see if anyone has more, well, concrete ideas?”

Nomori nodded. “I remember a man whom my dad knows at the border. He’s not like the other kingdom people - he could help us, maybe.”

Lila’s lips curled upwards, her heart beating with excitement. Nomori agrees! This idea is vague, but I’ve got a good feeling. “Yes!”

They sat for a while again, letting the idea hang in the air. It was like a little light in the distance, that if you looked hard enough, could be a lighthouse.

“You know, Lila,” he said, letting the breeze ruffle his black curls. “The nerve you have, to challenge fate. The temerity of hope, that only you are bold enough to have…”

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oo this is really good :0

Ahhh it's so good!
(I'm not professional or anything though, just some suggestions )

TL;DR at the bottom

Ok, so to start off with:
You're mainly just describing the scene. Maybe add some more imagery? (What Lila could hear, smell, touch)
example:

The damp, clumpy sand seemed to be the only thing that didn’t change in her life - that, and the suffocating smog that washed the color out of everything. The bright white sun poking out did little to comfort her.

Images from yesterday’s dive to check on the corals flashed before her. They were like scenes from a ghost story. The once vibrant, lively coral reefs from when she was a toddler were gone; now, they were replaced with a chalky white, the corals sparse like the hairs on a balding man. She wanted to scream - everything was terrifyingly confusing.

You could probably add what she could hear, smell etc. The water wasn't just a flash of colour, was it?
You could also describe more about the sun, something like ‘the milky-white sun that was emitting a pearly glow was poking out from the dark clouds drifting by; however, its warmth did little to comfort her’

Also, here's something I noticed:
These factories lined the kingdom in rows, surrounding the King’s castle in the center. They were all in a shade of silvery grey; the only speck of color was the castle (a scarlet red) that poked through the thick haze, like a drop of blood on a newly bought carpet.
And again:
The castle was a skyscraper, coated in a red so bright it almost made up for the lack of color elsewhere

There's probably no need to describe the castle twice, as you already had stated it

Also, try not to use ‘sigh’ too much, as it sort of sounds ‘cliche’. Try and do something like ‘exhale’ or ‘suspire’

Another thing, try and use something other than personification, simile, or metaphors. Try and do something like oxymorons, allusions, pathetic fallacies, euphemism, etc.

Overall, it's really good! I really like how you described the scene
TL;DR:
Try and include more literally devices, don't use sigh too much, don't describe the castle twice, try and include some more imagery other than ‘visual imagery’

-addie

tysm addie! this is really helpful ^^