Leader App Critique for Amethyst
9/18/2024
712 words

Hey Amethyst! Thanks for letting me critique your answers I’ll go over each answer with line-by-line edits and general thoughts, with overall thoughts on the app at the end. I hope this is helpful and let me know if there’s anything you’re confused about.


Tell us about yourself

I go by she/her and am a sSwiftie, a Christian, a dog-lover and, of course, a writer.

This is a really concise answer! Though my computer is hating the ‘u’ in favorites that us Americans don’t have, I don’t have much to comment on. I guess the only thing I want to comment on is that it seems very fact-oriented? Like you’re listing out facts about yourself, which is a stylistic choice, but I think that showing a bit more personality in your answer could be helpful. This isn’t the most important question, but it can help out a lot when leaders are looking for cos OR cos are choosing between leader choices to get a vibe check. It seems very structured and not as personal, which is something you may want to try to incorporate more ^^

Previous Participation

Similar to what I said in the previous answer, it's very structured and orderly. There's nothing wrong with that!! It lays everything out nicely, however… Adding in more personal touches, such as how you helped out in cabin planning (graphics, notifying campers, organized activities) and how (co)hosting has helped you grow and improve, can help convey a better understanding of the activities you've listed.

Cabin Prefs

An underground labyrinth, hiding in plain sight from the artistocratsaristocratswho sponsored the winning side of the war.

This is a really thorough answer! You list out everything you plan to have in a cabin and all of your expectations.

Excerpt

No comment :p

Time Dedication

Since I enjoy SWC so much, but I still feel productive doing it, I absolutely love dedicating huge chunks of my day to it.

This is a good concise answer, I don't really have anything to comment on.

Time Management

I feel as though you've written a good deal about complications that can come with timezones and not necessarily the time management side of things? You mentioned dedication helps you get things done and putting things off until the last minute is something you struggle with, but I don't see any other strengths or shortcomings as far as time management goes. Are you good at making lists/schedules to keep you on track? Do you over/underestimate how long things are going to take?
(…please don't stay up that late sobbing. hoping the forums will be more cooperative this session. we can't have amethyst losing sleep!!)

Collaboration and Assets

I love this answer a lot, you've laid out your strengths in good detail and written in a pleasing way. I will comment on the fact that no weaknesses have been mentioned in this section. I do believe that it is important to have a balance of the two, not to show that you're not fit for being a leader, but to show that you are aware of your weaknesses and how you are working to overcome them. Do you take on more than you can handle sometimes? Are you good at traversing conflict? Answering questions like these can help understand your strengths and weaknesses.

One Quality

Essentially, I’ll go the extra kilometer (oh fine, the extra mile) to help out!

Bwaha, love the cheeky humor <3

Although my time zone difference to most of SWC makes this slightly difficult,

Nothing serious, but this is the only time where timezone is written with a space between it. Just an inconsistency I want to point out ^^

This answer seems kind of confusing to me? Your quality is commitment and while you do touch on that, the idea is lost throughout the rest of the answer, at least for me. It seems to me that you're talking about things that you've committed to and followed through but I don't think it's articulated in the best way? I also think you can touch more on the ‘how I will embody this trait’ side of the one quality answer and that could help out with this answer. Just like a brief ‘I am committed to SWC, and as such, I will make sure that I do all of my responsibilities as a (co)leader, etc, etc.’ I hope you get the general idea of what I'm saying ^^"

Cabin Atmosphere

Ooh, I like the way that this is written and to the point.

Checkboxes

I don't have any comments

–

Overall, it's a good app, Amethyst. A few touchups here and there can help out a lot. Once again, this is my personal preference, so take what you will and ignore the rest. Regardless, I hope there was something in here that was helpful to you <3 I can't wait to see your final app

Daily #20
11/20/2024
293 words

“Your Majesty, we have located the home of the humans, the planet that they call Earth,” Gimboro announces, head bowed and on one knee as he presents himself before the Queen.

She waves him off and he stands. “Well, set course for Earth, right away! We must not have any humans left. We need to grow our population, you know.”

Gimboro stands straight, stuttering. “Yes. O-of course, Your Majesty. Right away!” He scampers out of the throne room, holding his breath until he exits through the large stone doors. He sighs, leaning against the closed doors.

“Is Her Majesty in one of those moods again?” Kurook, one of the guards, asks, nodding towards the door.

Gimboro nods. “She wants us to make even more organisms into us. Melvsin is not going to be able to take a break from making those converters.” He shakes his body. “I have to go and notify the pilots to change course, again.”

Kurook grunts. “Better hurry.”

Gimboro gives a tight smile as he heads down the hall. He holds a finger to the wall, feeling the engravings within. The bumps gradually space out and he takes a left at the next intersection. One more turn and he’ll be at the pilots’ room.

Gimboro is almost at his destination when someone crashes into him, a cold slimy substance covering his suit. And he just got it tailored!

He gasps, stumbling backwards. “What was that?!” He looks up to see Wilwana, jaw dropped and hands gripping a glass jar.

“I’m so so so sorry!” she reaches forward, trying to wipe the goop off of his suit and groans when it spreads out even more. “Her Majesty needed to test more of the slime in order for something or whatever.”

Critique for Luna
12/1/2024
605 words

I don’t think the witch wanted to curse you.
It never made sense to me.

Ooh this is an interesting way to start off!

A chair slid across the wooden floor, squeaking awkwardly as it rubbed against the panels. The young, golden-haired servant girl set the chair beside the small tea table before scurrying off into the kitchens, leaving the frustrated boy and the woman alone.

Did the servant girl bring the chair in? The entrance of the chair is a bit confusing to me. I'm assuming that the servant girl brought the chair in and it squeaked, so she rushed to set it back in place? It isn't clear to me what is happening with that.

Every servant that purposefully roamed the hallway adjacent to the tea room, totally not to overhear the conversation that was about to take place, knew he should be.

I think that ‘totally not to overhear’ section doesn't fit the same mood of the rest of what has been said so far and I'm also not sure that the wording flows the best either. I'm wondering if it would work better without the sarcasm? So ‘Every servant that purposely roamed the hallway adjacent to the tea room, awaiting the conversation that was about to take place, knew he should be.’ or some variation of that?

The boy was hesitant to reply, but his expression morphed from neutral to seeming irked as soon as he opened his mouth.

Not sure about the wording of ‘seeming irked’… Perhaps ‘morphed from neutral to seemingly irked’? I think that sounds correct?

“A–-”

I believe that's supposed to be an em dash! “A—"

“Child, there is power in anger. I thought you would know this. It is like fire; you can learn to control it, use it as it is necessary. Otherwise, the fire would spread, engulf everything around you, and consume everyone that stands in its way—that includes you,” she lectured, shaking her head.

I really like this dialogue!!

I actually really enjoyed the rest of this section too! I love how you portrayed the characters and I have a good sense of what is going on with some mystery.

ه*:･

The memory is still fresh, as if it happened yesterday. {…}

Okay this is really interesting and I'm enjoying it a lot?? I really love the little nuggets that this adds to what I have learned about the story

ه*:･

The Bog Witch waltzed out of the fog, humming an old tune. {…}

I like how you're alternating with future and past tense with the little snippets and how you're adding onto it with each section. I think that it's a nice touch and has been done really well so far!

ه*:･

I’m tied to you, whether you like it or not.
I’m the one who knows how to break your curse, whether you like it or not.
I’m the one to kill your dragon… whether I like it or not.

Ooh, love that it switches from you to I. Breaking of repetition!! I love!!

Please remind me why I’m trying to break your curse. Ha, you don’t even know that I’m cursed. To you, I’m just the annoying servant girl who wanted to befriend you.

That's an interesting plot twist. Huh. That's cool.

ه*:･

Then she vanishes, leaving me confused and weak in the knees.

Wait, how does she vanish ToT Is it like a magic poof or?? I feel like that's too vague and some description would be nice.

ه*:･

“I’m cursed.” {…}

OOH- That's interesting.
ه*:･

“To break the curse,” the short librarian said, “you must kill the dragon.”

Very simple, very effective, and straight to the point.

ه*:･

I lift my sword, tears streaming down my face. {…}

I just love things that are written like this?? The repetition with slight variations? The simplicity?? Love!!

ه*:･

A scarred boy lays unconscious on the ground. It was a fifty-fifty chance.
But you breathe.

Love this for the ending omgggggggg-

Overall, I really like this piece! I love the way you structured it! I guess a few things that I would like more fleshed out or clarity on is one, the relationship between Aella and Gavin/more of Gavin, and two, why the witch needs Gavin's curse to be broken.

I feel like the focal point of this is Gavin and his curse, but I don't feel like I am as invested in him? Especially since he acts kind of rude to Aella later on DSFKDf- I guess maybe a small scene that shows Gavin's nicer side? I'm not sure where you would fit this in, but I think giving something for his character would be nice.
And for the witch, I'm not sure why Gavin's curse needs to be broken for her, so that's more confusion, I guess? Does she have a curse tied to him too or something? I think something as simple as “His curse will end the both of us” before she vanishes away could add a bit more suspense to Gavin's curse being broken. I mean, I don't know your reasoning behind it, but that's what I thought of. Since her demeanor has already visually changed, I think something like that would help readers to have another reason for wanting Gavin's curse to be broken.
Also, I liked that you made this story from Aella's POV. I wasn't sure what it was going to be when I first started reading it, but you did a great job at seamlessly incorporating that in!

Hope this was helpful, take what you need and leave the rest <3 And good luck in the writing comp, this looks very promising!!

Leader App Critique for Kit
1/3-9/2024
642 words

Hey Kit! Thanks for letting me critique your answers Hopefully this is helpful and let me know if you have any questions!

About me

I mostly write fantasy, particularly silly fantasy shenanigans, and fanfiction.

This sentence feels tagged on at the end of your about me, so I would say tying it in with your writing experience in the next question would help it fit in better ^^

I think that this gives a great overview on who you are, but I do think that it could be added upon or at least changed a bit. The about me question isn't the most important, but it does give a first impression of who you are. I think of it as the ‘vibe check’ and can help leaders see if you're someone they want to work with or cos to choose between leaders. Even adding in little bits like what you like best about your different fandoms or interests can help showing more of your personality and what you value <3

Past participation

Outside of Scratch, I am a content moderator on She-Ra Fandom Wiki, where as well as overseeing edits other users make, I help the rest of the staff make decisions (on everything from what our article style guidelines should be, to how we should deal with troublesome users) and plan wiki-wide events.

I think including the timeline of how long you’ve helped out on the wiki, as well as when you became a moderator would be nice to know. Not sure how long you’ve been involved in it, but I do know that you’ve been into She-Ra for a while, so seeing your commitment to it would be cool to see!

I’m also an oldest sibling, so I have experience bossing my little sisters around. /lh

Pfft xD As a fellow oldest sibling, I relate. But as silly as this answer is, I would also recommend adding in more about how your experience as an oldest sibling helps you as a leader! I know for me personally, it’s helped me to rally together a group and compromise.

I’ve started numerous short stories and fanfics, and actually finished a handful of them.

I don't love the way this sentence is worded, but I'm not quite sure what I don't like about it. I think it's the second clause? Changing it to read ‘and have finished a handful of them’ makes it flow better to me. The addition of actually creates an emphasis that I feel impacts the sentences negatively. Eh, do with this what you want, but just my thoughts on it ^^

Cabin preferences
(This is the only header that isn’t bolded jsyk ^^)

This answer looks really good! Very concise and to the point on what cabins you want and don’t want, along with storyline ideas. Good job

Time dedication

I can potentially be online at just about any time needed

Another nitpicky thing about word choice ^^ I think you're trying to say that it's very likely that you'll be on or checking in throughout the day? Or that's the general idea that I'm getting. Like with ‘actually’, ‘potentially’ also adds a negative connotation and uncertainty. Not sure how exactly I would word this, but that's my thought on this.

In general, this section is a bit short. If you have any reoccurring time commitments, even if it's small, mentioning it would be a nice addition. And if not, then even stating that you don't have any is good. You have enough word count space to be able to expand upon this more, and it's safer to have more about what times you may not be able to be active rather than not ^^

Time management

One thing that I like that you've done is adding in examples on how you manage your time, specifically in relation to this application, because it shows what you're doing in action and that it's relevant!
Some of your answers seem a little bit contradictory to me. Maybe it's the wording that is confusing me, but I'm specifically referring to ‘I always get things done on time, but only sometimes at the last minute.’ and ‘I often stress about deadlines and do things at the last second.’ I'm not sure how you want to go about this, but I think that clearing up the contradiction or combining the two together to discuss both a bit further could help with that?

Cabin atmosphere

This answer looks great!

Checkboxes

You've done a great job on listing out how you would proceed in the case of inactive (co)leaders!

Daily #1
3/1/2025
58 words

“Dystopian,” you answer, after double checking on the back of your name tag.
Eevee gasps and breaks out in a grin. “Let’s go! Dystopian for the win, am I right?” She winks. “Anyways, how long have you been doing SWC? You seem familiar, but I may need to jog my memory.”

A. Long time SWCer
B. Returning SWCer
C. New SWCer

Daily #1
3/1/2025
67 words

“Ooh nice! We’re sibling cabins! Cabin wars is going to be so much fun; sorry not sorry in advance,” Eevee sing-songs, swaying her body. “Don’t worry, I‘ll still tolerate hanging around you. Cabins don’t suddenly change who I’m able to talk to.” She twirls the pen in between her fingers. “Are you new around here? I generally know most of the SWCers, but I could be forgetting…”

A. Long time SWCer
B. Returning SWCer
C. New SWCer

Daily #1
3/1/2025
69 words

“Really? Ugh, I wanted to be in that cabin, but I still haven’t found a way to be two different people in two different places at the same time,” she sighs. “But it’s whatever. I’m in Zytopian, which is going to be awesome! Well, it already is awesome. Oh, and also, are you new to SWC? I’m never quite sure who I’m remembering and who I’m forgetting.” She chuckles.

A. Long time SWCer
B. Returning SWCer
C. New SWCer

Daily #1
3/1/2025
241 words

“Oh, really? I wouldn’t have guessed! It’s not like I’ve seen you before, fighting for the most mangoes during the hoard,” Eevee teases, laughing as you sigh, recalling when you had been beaten by another camper, who you swear was using some kind of magic. “And come on! You didn’t introduce yourself: name, pronouns, anything! Just your cabin.”
“It’s not a rule. And you never asked,” you shoot back, crossing your arms.
She raises her hands up. “Okay, fine, fine! But tell me this: if you were to do the same thing to a new camper who had no clue who you are, how are you supposed to expect them to know what to call you?”
“Yeah, I’ll make sure to introduce myself next time. To everyone. Including when the others get here. They should be here soon.” You turn, glancing at the giant clock hanging on next to the bulletin board. “Should be here within the next ten minutes or so.”
“Hm… we could play two truths and a lie until they get here. I’ll go first,” she volunteers, leaning against the table as she taps a finger on her nose. “Okay, I’ve got mine. One, I got to pet a stingray the same day I had my first sleepover. Two, I’m going to be playing Snow White in a theater. And three, I was able to block my crocheted fingerless glove last night.”

A. Stingray + sleepover
B. Snow White
C. Block crochet

Daily #1
3/1/2025
102 words

“Oh yeah, you were in the cabin with them that one session, right right. I forgot,” she rambles. “Well, we can get to know each other more. Two truths and a lie. Shall I go first? Cool.”
She chews on the sundae of her cheek and you glance over at the clock hanging by the bulletin board. Ten past midnight UTC.
“Okay. One, I got to pet a stingray at an aquarium for the first time the same day of my first sleepover. Two, I’m playing Snow White in my current theater production. And three, I’ve finished blocking my crocheted fingerless gloves.”

A. Stingray + sleepover
B. Snow White
C. Block crochet

Daily #1
3/1/2025
364 words

“Welcome to SWC! Oh my gosh. Okay, so what do you know? Uh, well I can start with the basics at least.” Eevee slides a pen into the spiral of one of her notebooks and offers a hand as she gets up. You accept and follow her.
“So the bulletin board is here obviously. All of the dailies and weeklies are posted here, though we do also have it sent through the app for all of the remote campers and, you know, if you don’t want to actually get up. You can also pin your daily on here if you want some feedback or affirmations. Sometimes you get stickers.” She smiles knowingly. “And of course, we’ve got the big clock, calibrated for UTC, as is the rest of SWC. We’re in PST, but UTC is the time zone that you tend to learn to convert things from. Saves the international campers from having to convert to their home time zones from an new one. Come on, I’ve got to show you the rooms upstairs!” She tugs at your arm.

~~

“-and the bathrooms are over in that corner.” Eevee points at the bubble letter sign spelling ‘B-A-T-H-R-O-U-M.’ “The paint got chipped on the second o, but no one’s bothered to fix it yet.” She plops down on the seat as you approach the table. “And that’s the grand tour of the main cabin! If you forget anything, I showed you the map in the next hall and you can always ask around too. Why don’t we get to know each other; two truths and a lie is an SWC classic. You want to start?”
You shake your head and she opens up her top notebook.
“Sounds great. Let me get one of mine,” she laughs. “We do it often enough that I have a running list of stuff. I cannot for the life of me come up with one on the fly.” Flipping a few more pages, she smiles. “Two truths and a lie, number one. The same day I had my first sleepover, I pet a stingray. Two, I’m Snow White in my theater production. And three, I blocked my crocheted gloves last night.”

A. Stingray + sleepover
B. Snow White
C. Block crochet

Daily #1
3/1/2025
123 words

Eevee shakes her head, a smile playing at her lips. “Nope! That is actually true. It was in kindergarten, I believe. I haven’t pet a stingray since, but it was amazing. The lie is number 3: blocking my crocheted gloves. I have yet to do it,” she admits sheepishly. “I did manage to finish crocheting them tomorrow, but I have to figure out how to block it first before I actually do it.”
Her watch beeps and she glances down. “Oh, sorry, but I have to go and help out with stuff in my cabin now.” Eevee gathers up her notebooks and slides them into the tote bag on the ground. “It was great seeing you and I’ll catch you later, okay?”

(Restart)

Daily #1
3/1/2025
109 words

“Unfortunately, that’s true,” Eevee admits, shaking her head. “I’m fine with Snow White, but I don’t quite love the costume for that.” She shrugs. “It’s got a high collar, but the scene is fun, so. Eh, I don’t know. The lie is actually me blocking my crocheted gloves last night. I haven’t gotten to that yet, though I’ve finished crocheting it. I’ll probably have to-”
Her watch beeps and she clicks it off, slinging her bag over her shoulder. “I have to go now; gotta go and help out with things. Um, I’ll see you around and maybe we can do sprints or something later. See ya!” She waves.

(Restart)

Daily #1
3/1/2025
112 words

“Yeah, you got it right! Though I do wish it was true,” Eevee sighs, leaning her head onto her hand. “I finally got to the finishing crocheting part, but not quite the finished blocking part. I have to watch a few tutorials or something because I don’t know what I’m doing.” She laughs. A beep comes from her watch and she glances down at the time.
“Shoot, I have to go and help out with my cabin now. Sorry about the short notice, but I’ll let you go and work on your daily now.” She gathers her notebooks into her left arm, grabbing her tote bag with her right. “See you around!”

(Restart)