Critiquitaire for Kelia!

OK! GIRL, THAT WAS AWESOME!!! I loved reading that so much!!! I could definitely feel what your character was feeling and AAAAHHHHH! I had SUCH a hard time finding things to edit!


“A strange dark horde of creatures was swarming towards me, their shadowy forms visible from miles around. It was a miracle no one came to check it out. One thing was obvious, they were headed for me.
Definitely wasn’t complaining though. I needed the exercise. But three hordes in the span of one month was really overdoing it. I stood, stretching and slashing my sword through the air experimentally.”


Ok, so there were just a few small mistakes I noticed in this first bit. So, to start off: Maybe turn “A strange dark horde of creatures was swarming towards me, their shadowy forms visible from miles around.” to “A strange horde of creatures were swarming towards me, their shadowy forms visible from miles around.”. Also: Maybe change, “I needed the exercise. But three hordes in the span of one month was really overdoing it.” to “ I needed the exercise, but three hordes in the span of one month was really overdoing it.”.


Just a suggestion, later in your story another name for the shades could be “the shadeborn” I don’t know it just sounded cool.


Also, you could change, ”Exhilaration ran through me.” to a more powerful sentence like, “Adrenaline coursed through my veins.” I just feel like that sentence is more intense. I mean, Adrenaline’s job is to help you survive. Adrenaline can trigger your Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn reflex (If you have a question about that ask me! It’s quite interesting how that works!). I can tell your character, in that moment, had the fight reflex going.


Also: “He tried to punch me in face.” into “He tried to punch me in the face”


“Exhilaration, rage, adrenaline turned my vision red. I could feel it, my life was on the line. But still I pressed on.” Nevermind it looks like you get what Adrenaline is. Sorry!


“The king sits in his throne, eyes filled with grief. They couldn’t find him. He was resorting to his last option. Ordering me to hunt down Kyle.” I LOVE THAT PARAGRAPH FOR SOME REASON!!!!


“The rage burned on. Questions seared my brain. Ones I could never find answers to. Now he was out of my reach. Gone. At the side of the Dark Lord, I could never find him, It was maddening.” THAT IS ANOTHER PARAGRAPH I REALLY LIKE!!! I like the “out of reach” part because it shows that he is gone. Working for the Dark Lord if I understand that correctly.


Hey, if you ever need ideas or help with that story please let me know!!!! I’d be more than willing to help!! Finally: When you finish your story PLEASE SEND IT TO ME!!!! <3

~478 words

Daily 18~
Assignment: Make life weirder than it really is.

You know those things a normal kid would do to get ready for school? Those things seem normal right? Not for me.

I woke up to the yawn of a giant. No, that was not a metaphor.
“CHRISTY!!!!!” the giant roared.
“Coming!” I say as I quickly get dressed. I ran out of my room into the gigantic hallway. My room is like a small mouse hole in the wall. I reach the main room which is big enough to fit maybe 100 elephants. I look up at the 40 foot tall giant. She has blue skin and deep blue eyes. Her brown hair cascading down her shoulders. She gave me a huge toothy grin. I smiled back at her.
“Good morning, Mom!” I yelled so she could hear me. Amy is my adoptive mother. My mother died due to an incurable magical disease. Amy was doing a good job taking care of me but there were a few…..erm…….technicalities.
“Good morning, Honey.” she whispered back. I say “whispered” but really it was a normal talking voice. She puts hand on the floor and I step on it. She raises her hand. We had decided that doing that was easier than creating a pulley. She sets me down on the table.
“Here you go,Christy!” She says as she hands me a plate with bacon, eggs, and pancakes. That meant a lot to me because it was all my size.
“Thank you, mother.” I shout. As I eat she grabs a small brush that’s my size and walks behind me to fix my hair.
“Mom, you really don’t have to- OW!”
“Oh sorry, Honey! I didn’t mean to hurt you!”
“It’s ok, mom! If it helps I can do it myself!” I said. She looked kinda hurt by my suggestion.
“No, it’s ok! I got this! You eat your breakfast!” Amy said, determined.
“Ok.” I replied.

How she managed a braid? I have no idea. It actually looked good too!
“It looks great!” I beamed at the giant and she smiled proudly back at me.
“I know! I did pretty good!” She said proudly, “Wait, are you ready for school?” she asks.
“Yep!” I say with my school books and notebooks in my arms.
“Ok! Would you like me to walk you to school?” she asked.
“No.” I replied, “I’ll be fine!”
“Ok! Have a great day, Christy!” She says as I walk off.

402 words~

@mikamillie| cabin wars
Praise and critiques!


First off, the first part is hilarious! I couldn’t find too much to edit, but I just had a few very small suggestions.


“ “Dark Miku, did you really bring your ENTIRE FAMILY inside of the spaceship?“, asked the teacher.”


Ok, so here I just have one very small detail that really doesn’t matter too much. After “spaceship?” you actually don’t need that comma!


“Why, and how did you do it without having to feed them or making space for them?” I said,”


No offense, but this sentence didn’t make too much sense to me at first. It says, “I said,” When I think the teacher was talking previously. Also you could maybe change “Why, and how” to just “Why and how”.


“She's cool, but she's a bit extroverted. He asked,”


Weren’t you just talking about a girl? It says “He”. Sorry. Just a small detail I noticed.


“He asked, “What are you packing for?”


So, here you don’t have to change anything but, I recommend putting the “he asked” after the question or the “I answered” after the answer. That’s just my opinion though. You don’t have to change that! <3


“It'll be like Little Einsteins, but in space!”


I love that sentence! It’s really funny!


”If I don't go, Trickster doesn't go."


Did you mean “If Trickster doesn’t go, I don’t go.” ?


“Also, I've got hot water inside the bag.”


No offense, but I'm concerned for the health of her family. Lol!


Overall, this was a really cool story! I loved how goofy it was and how fun it was to read! I’m sure Tilde will love it! I can tell that you worked hard on it! It’s a really great story! If you need anything else read and/or edited (critiqued) let me know! Keep writing and don’t ever stop unless you’re sleep deprived! <3

~308 words!

“Somebody Wasn't Careful” - Bookie
~423 words (Had to pause for dinner and other stuff )


“It looks like someone wasn’t being careful,” Argon said, examining the cold, lifeless body.
“What happened to him!?” The dead man’s girlfriend asked, worried. Argon knew she couldn’t be the killer. She loved the man too much.
“Mr. Smith was poisoned,” Argon replied coldly and looked at her. She looked devastated.
“Miss Green, Do you happen to know anyone who would dislike Mr. Smith?” Detective Argon asked.
“No, not that I know of-” She paused, “Actually, I might.”
“Who?” Argon asked.
“Well, the other day I came to his apartment for game night. We invite our friends over and play games. Well, the other day I came over for game night and his friends left angrily and slammed the door. They seemed really mad at him for some reason.” She replied.
“Did Mr.Smith say anything about it afterward?” The detective asked.
“Michael said not to worry about it and that it would be fine.” She answered.
“Hmm.” Argon wondered, “Where do they live?”.
And just like that Detective Argon was driving to the suspects’ apartment on his own.

He heard laughing from inside. Detective Argon knocked loudly on the door.
“Who is it?” He heard someone ask.
“Detective Argon.” He replied. The door opened. Standing in the doorway was what looked like a 23 year old man.
“Come in!” The man said with a smile and ushered Argon inside. Inside the apartment were a bunch of young adults playing apples-to-apples.
“Why are you here, Sir?” The young man asked.
“Well, I’m currently investigating the case of Michael Smith.” Argon said matter-of-factly. His face fell. Everyone stopped playing their game.
“M..Michael? Is he ok?” He replied, worried.
“No, I’m afraid not. Mr.Smith died due to poisoning.” The detective replied. The people at the table that were playing their game were now crying so was the guy in front of the detective.
“No..” The man whispered, “Who?”
“We don’t know that’s why I came here to ask you a few questions.” Argon said.
“Yes.” the man said, “Anything. Ask away.”
“Ok. Sir, what’s your name?” Argon asked.
“My name is Ryan.” Ryan answered.
“Where were you all at 4 o’clock yesterday evening?” Argon asked.
“We were all at the movies. We invited Michael and Katie to come along but they said they had dinner reservations.” He replied.
“Where?”
“At Riley’s steakhouse just down the street.”
“Thank you.”
“Do you have any more questions? I’d be happy to answer them!” Ryan said kindly.
“No, you’ve helped quite a bit.” Argon said and left the apartment building.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~TO BE CONTINUED~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Word War with Skylar
~263 words

Logan escorted Mara out of jail.
“Mara, I know you’re just trying to do the right thing, but it’s not working out.” Logan sighed.
“What do you mean?” She grinned
“Mara! This is the sixth time this month that I've had to bail you out of jail! I can’t keep doing this!” Logan said exasperated.
“Yeah, I get it.” Mara said.
“You do!?” Logan asked happily.
“Yeah, It was pretty rude of them to put me in jail.”
“Mara!” Logan shouted.
“What? It was!” Mara replied.
“I want you to recall what happened before they put you in jail.” Logan said, looking at her.
“I rescued an old lady from her burning home.”
“You ‘accidently’ set the home on fire.” Logan corrected, using air quotes around “accidentally”.
“Hey!” Mara said, “Not true!”
“Moving on.” Logan said.
“Ok! I saved a kitten from a cliff.” She said,
“You cut the branch off the cliff and couldn’t catch the cat before it went splat.” Logan fixed.
“Well, at least it wasn’t stuck anymore.” Mara said grumpily.
“Next.” Logan said.
“I prevented a meteor from hitting the city!” Mara said proudly.
“You threw it at the Eiffel tower, killing a bunch of tourists.” Logan sighed.
“That’s where that went!? I thought it went back to space!” Mara exclaimed.
“No, no it did not.” Logan said.
“Well, I prevented that one robbery-”
“You exploded the bank.”
“I helped stop that one traffic jam-”
“By destroying all the cars.” Logan finished, and Mara frowned.
“Just because you try to do good things doesn’t make you a hero.” Lo-

Critique for Alfalfa


Ok! I’d like to start off with some praise! This is an awesome story! In fact, I want a sequel! You did amazing! I can’t wait to read more of your writings!!! I apologize because I couldn’t find too much to critique in this story. I couldn’t find much more than a few small details and suggestions. But before I start I want you to keep in mind that you do NOT have to do anything I say or fix! Here we go!:


He had fought similar sticks figures, and they were boring—too easy for him.

Ok, this was one of the first things I noticed. It says, “Similar sticks figures”, I would change that to “Similar stick figures”


One small mistake I see as I read through is there are a few missing commas, but you don’t need to add them because I’m 99.9% sure that it won’t matter!
Just in case you wanted to know what I meant, here's some examples!:
“The stick suddenly perked up(,) using his fire….”
“Fortunately (or, maybe unfortunately)(,) the cursor minimized….”




This edit is the exact opposite:
“Alan switched his cursor to the drawing tool without much thought, drawing a simple weight, like he had done with Victim.”
At the end of “weight” You actually don’t need a comma!






There was also this:
“Alan easily dodged, he had seen it a million miles away.”
So, “Alan easily dodged” is a sentence so right between “dodged” and “he” there needs to be a semicolon. You would put it there because in that sentence there are two independent clauses


“He had managed to finish the match when his Anti-Virus had captured the stick.”
Ok, two things! Unless “Anti-Virus” is a name you could either change it to “Antivirus” or “anti-virus”


That’s all I had! I hope you found this helpful! I’m sorry for taking so long! <3

Sandy's Thread (for writing, history, and other stuff): Daily 11/7
https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/549873/?page=20#post-8221079
Praise and critiques!


Gosh! I have NO IDEA what to critique! This is such a good story! I loved reading it! Actually I found just a few itty bitty details! I couldn’t find much more than a few small details and suggestions. You don’t have to apply any of my critiques though! Here I go!:


One small mistake I see as I read through is there are a few missing commas, but you don’t need to add them because I’m 99.9% sure that it won’t matter!
Just in case you wanted to know what I meant, here's some examples!:
“A thin drizzle soon rose, and as she began to splash about in the mud(,) she reminded herself that no, it was clear of blood.”
“ “Gertrud!” Loud(,) splashing footsteps came.”
“Gertrud was sure that she would just leave if she gave the word, but in this moment(,) Alinia's presence would be rather comforting.”


Then, there were some sentences that had the exact opposite problem.
This edit is the exact opposite:
“ But a certain tension emerged, and certain thoughts rebounded inside her head.” (No comma after “emerged”)
“It was Alinia, standing warily by the door. She had always understood Gertrud's wish for privacy,” (No comma after “privacy”)
““Nice to meet you,” Gertrud replied, cautiously. “My name’s Gertrud.”” (No comma after “replied”)
“Both storms overran Belgium, in those very first days, and then there she was: lost, weary, obviously French.” (No comma after “Belgium”)


“She seemed perpectually half on her tiptoes.”
Instead of “perpectually” I would use “literally”. Also perpetually is spelled wrong


“It wasn't until a year later when Gertrud realized that her feelings towards Alinia were slightly veering off from what she had always taken it as.”
Instead of “when” I would use “that”


I loved reading this story so much! It was such an amazing story written by an amazing author! Sorry that I was so late to critique this! I hope it helped! <3
~342 words!

Dear Polar Bears,

PLEASE DON’T LEAVE!!! I BEG OF YOU- ahem. Before I tell you all the stuff about why you shouldn't leave, I would like to say something else.

Polar bears, I just want you to know how much I appreciate you. We all love you guys and would be devastated if you left. I just want you to know that I wasn’t in a great place before SWC. I looked fine, I did fine in school, but mentally I wasn’t in a good place. October was a really hard time for me and SWC gave me something to look forward to. My grandfather died October 29th last year and he always supported me in writing. Around six months before he died, he asked me if I wanted to write a book with him. We never even got to start the book before he passed. When he passed I felt like I had failed him and I had a writing block for a whole year. I just couldn’t bring myself to write. Then, someone told me about SWC and I immediately signed up. SWC brought me out of my writing block and I’ve been much happier ever since I started SWC. Sorry, I know that was a lot of information that you didn’t ask for, but I wanted you to know how much SWC means to me.

Now that I’ve told you that I’ll tell you why you shouldn’t leave. Polar bears, SWC has changed the lives of many, including me and we love you guys so much! In fact, I’d be so sad and bored right now if it weren’t for SWC. Ever since I joined SWC you guys have been so helpful and nice to me. You all are so kind and I’m proud to be a part of the SWC community. Please don’t leave, Polar Bears. We love you!

-Sage
_________________________________________________________________________________________
~314 words

✧ Izzi's SWC writing thread ✧: The Grimly sisters
Praise and critiques


Whoa! That was awesome!!!!! I loved reading it and I'm sure your school will love it! I read it all the way through and absolutely loved it! I would love a sequel! I loved the twist at the end and the spooky, thrilling mood it sets! I love that you kept it simple! I’ve critiqued SO many really big stories and enjoyed the fact that this story was a bit smaller! I love how spooky it was and that it really set the halloween mood! I have no bad feedback for your story. You don’t have to add any of my suggestions!


Ok, so one thing I would change about this is I think it needs just a little more urgency and spookiness. Don’t get me wrong I think you did amazing with the mood, but from what I read I think the townsfolk should be more frightened and the mood should be a bit scarier.


“Many years ago, I was a young girl who lived in a village. In this village, everyone worked together and doors were never locked.”


So, actually after “together” you would need a comma. Remember you don’t have to add it, but I just noticed it.


“About a year after the Grimly sisters reappeared, it had almost been forgotten, when something happened.”


This sentence is great, but I had a few suggestions for it. I think for this one I’d change it to:
About a year after the Grimly sisters reappeared, it had almost been forgotten. Then something happened.


“On Halloween, doors were locked. On Halloween, windows were closed. On Halloweeen, everyone was inside.”


Ok, no offense but I may have laughed when I saw this error. So, the second “Halloween” is actually spelled incorrectly.


That’s all I noticed! I think your story is amazing and I’d love to read more of your writings! If you need ideas or you have any questions or you want me to critique something else, let me know! <3


~332 words

Weekly #3

Part one!:

Smoke. That was the only thing I could see. A dark haze all around me. Pain. The only thing I could feel. Bodies of the lost and dead surround me. I was alone. My brother. Possibly the only thing I had left. Was he ok? Was he even alive? I wish I knew. My parents. The only thing that I could truly think about. I was lost in my thoughts and the millions of questions I had. Why? Why would they do this? Was anyone going to send help? Would I die alone out here with nothing but smoke, dead bodies, and the clothes on my back? Or would I live on? Who would tell my story? Would I get to tell our story? Did anyone survive this massacre? What’s next? I set those questions aside to examine the battlefield. It was blood-soaked. It didn’t look like anyone survived. It was daytime but there was no sun in sight. A dark haze settled over the battlefield as if it weren’t done. It was way too quiet.

The shadows shifted. I might be going insane, but they moved. They moved and morphed into a human-like shape. It opened its mouth and a noise like nails against chalkboard came out. I still heard it through my covered ears. It gave me a steely glare with its pitch black eyes. In its hand it skillfully spun a knife, planning to kill. I couldn’t die here. I was going to tell these brave soldiers’ stories because no one else was going to. I gripped my own knife and stared it down. These monsters killed my parents. I was going to get revenge.

It struck first. It slowly advanced, then lunged at me. I quickly dodged and struck it in the back. It reeled back, screeching in agony. It charged at me and I parried sending its blade through the air.

Before I could celebrate, the smoke gathered and morphed into a new knife. The shadow monster striked. I dodged. I was a little too late though. I screamed in pain. The knife had scratched my arm leaving a deep cut. I, blinded by rage, slashed out wildly at the shadow. I needed to see my brother. I needed to know if he was ok. I kept slashing and stabbing. We exchanged blows endlessly. It chopped its blade down towards me and I dodged, stabbing it in the back. It, once again, screeched in rage and knocked me in the head with the hilt of its knife. I fell to the ground, my head throbbing and bleeding. The shadow looms above me. It shifts, putting both hands on its knife, getting ready to thrust the knife downward into my chest. Right then, sunlight peeks through the clouds and the shadow melts into the ground. A feeling of relief washes over me. The fight was over. My adrenaline rush faded away. Pain. Overwhelming pain. I passed out.

That’s how I’m here today. Telling you the story of The Shadow War.

Part 2:

Unbiased:
BREAKING NEWS!: A girl got stolen by a dragon.

Yesterday at sunset, Aella was stolen by a dragon in the Evergreen Forest. Aella was a 14 year old girl who was wandering around the woods looking for shelter and maybe civilization. Our skilled helicopter team saw young Aella walking towards a burning farmhouse, in which the dragon set on fire. Most of our team of writers think that she may have thought it was from a campfire and by following it she might have found shelter or people. It was a cloudy Saturday evening near Evergreen Forest. The helicopter team also saw the dragon swoop down, take the girl and fly off. This has not happened a lot before so we understand you are nervous, but don’t worry, we sent out a search and rescue team so your children will be safe. We would advise you to keep your children away from the forest until further notice. Do not fret, as long as you keep your children away from the forest for now they will be perfectly fine. School will still continue since there is no imminent danger or threat. Although we will start training kids at the school to fight dragons. That way they can at least stand a bit of a chance against a foe like that. There is no need for a lockdown since the dragon flew away. In fact, we just got word from the team that they found the girl and she’s still alive. They are currently rescuing her from the dragon so don’t worry! In conclusion, everyone will be fine. And that’s all for today’s paper!


Biased:
BREAKING NEWS!: A runaway got kidnapped by a foul beast!

BE ON THE LOOKOUT!! A GIANT FOUL BEAST IS KIDNAPPING CHILDREN!!!! LOCK UP YOUR CHILDREN AND DON’T LET THEM OUTSIDE EVER AGAIN!!!! At sunset a young, precious, little girl got kidnapped but a large, ugly, mean, beast. The poor girl was stolen by the foul, terrible,beast also known as a dragon. Then again, it was pretty stupid for that girl to be wandering around in the woods at sundown. You might be wondering “Our newspaper team never pays attention to anything important. They’re always talking about who won the football game or sales at the grocery store. How would they know about this?” Great question! Some random dude in a helicopter saw smoke rising up in the distance,a dragon swooping down, grabbing something, and a flailing little girl screaming at the top of her lungs. Apparently, she was heading towards a farmhouse that the dragon had set to flame (how stupid)! You might also be wondering: “Did they go rescue the girl?” The answer to that question is no. We did not rescue the girl. “Why?” you might ask. Another great question! You see, us newspaper writers don’t get paid enough to even care about saving some dumb girl from a dragon. She should have paid attention! Like, come on! Even I would have paid attention! Plus according to the random dude in the helicopter, the child didn’t even fight back! Wow! If I were being kidnapped I’d at least fight back! What a wimp! Well that’s it for today’s paper!

~514

Part three!:

This just in: Everyone is going on strike!

It was a Thursday night and everyone was waiting for the daily. Then, that’s when it happened, the Polar BEARs sent a message saying that they were quitting and everyone had to write a letter to them, telling them why they shouldn’t leave. They even asked for lasagna donations! The leaders weren’t having it. They decided to congregate and rebel against the Polar BEARS and the campers. They said, “us leaders have decided it's time we stood up for ourselves…” and started their strike. They demanded countless things.Chuey, the leader of this group of rebels, wrote out a list of demands. This is what they demanded:

. cheese and mooncakes
. deep fried toes
. mangoes
. veins
. souls and potato soup
. the mascots
. fingernails
. crackers and boba
. main cabin descriptions
. mac and cheese
. cookies
. strawberry matcha
. chocolate pudding with strawberries blueberries and ice cream
. pickles
. happiness
. ketchup and rice
. sour patch kids
. money
. salt and retribution
. waffles
. hot chocolate
. guacamole and 10 jars of marmite


Not only did the Polar BEARS and the leaders go on strike, but the campers went on strike too! The campers decided they were fed up with the leaders and Polar BEARS demanding food, apology letters, and points. They were going to show them just how powerful the camper union was. So, they started a strike. They congregated and started a camper rebelion. They said, “If the leaders and Polar Bears get to go on strike why can't we? Us campers have decided that we are going on strike too……….” and they started their strike. Imagine having to invite every single camper! That must have taken forever! They demanded even more things than both the cabin leaders and the Polar BEARS combined! Sage created a list of demands which she is still adding onto. This is what it read:

Books and Mangoes
Mountain of coleslaw and Vivaldi the four seasons concert
Servers and Waffles
Exactly 10 chicken nuggets and a side of tater tots
Character roleplay day
Mangoes and lasagna
Justice for Historical Fiction, more books, and Mac n Cheese
Tomatoes and food related dailies
Working forums that won't crash every session and +100000000000000000000000 points to myth
+100000000000000000000000 points for Myth
Exactly 3 pomegranates and 37 bonus points to magreal
+100000000000000000 points to mystery
99999999999999 points to Sci-Fi
French cockades for everyone
ice cream and also mint
ninja butlers, grilled cheese, and cool ties for bangsian
baguettes, elastics, and volleyballs
Chaos
medium roasted toenails and +1 tredecillion points to dystopian and Gurtle!!!
Septillion points to magreal, a large pizza, 8 slices, and waffle fries
A lot of mangoes
+∞ points to magreal
Exactly 28 cups of taro boba
A cat
A big Mac and a lot of points to apocalyptic
two sets of sushi rolls, one cup of boba tea, and +1000000000000000000 points for poetry
better pay & conditions


The campers weren’t stopping there. Nope! They even created the CWG-SFWCA. That stands for “Chaotic Writers Guild - Scratch Federation of Writing Chaos and Authors.” That’s a mouthful!

We interviewed Skylar, the creator of the CWG-SFWCA and wrote down the whole thing. Here’s our questions and her answers!:

US: So, Skylar, at this time do you know where Sage is?
SKYLAR: That is classified information.
US: Ok. So, Skylar, why did you join the camper strike?
SKYLAR: I went on strike because I woke up, people were striking, and as a British person I felt obligated to.
US: So, Skylar, we heard about the incredibly long list of demands. What’s your demand?
SKYLAR: Better pay in mangoes, better conditions, and a bangsian union that I self-fulfilled.
US: Wow! You started a Bangsian union!? What!?
SKYLAR: Yep! Next!
US: Ok, When will this strike end?
SKYLAR: It'll end in at least 15 months, we have to do this properly, but I’d imagine that Sage will keep it going for a while.
US: Wow! So, we heard about CWG-SFWCA. Why did you start the union?
SKYLAR: I don’t know, I just felt like it. Also because I thought it would be funny to parody SAG AFTRA
US: Wow, ok. So I guess that’s a wrap! Goodbye!


So, that’s all the information we have on the strikes right now! Don’t worry we’ll let you know in the next paper!

~763 words

Part four!:

Ok! Chuey, it looks great! All I have are a few suggestions! You don’t have to add or change anything though!

“But nothing quite like this has ever happened - all of SWC went on strike.”

Ok, I like this sentence, but it could be fixed (no offense). This is what I thought you could do: But nothing quite like this has ever happened. All of SWC went on strike.
It doesn’t make a HUGE difference but I liked it a little better like that.

“Chuey agreed, saying that if Leadercabin didn't a get a million points they'd strike.”

Ok, this sentence is also awesome, but I saw some errors. One of which being, “a get a” honestly, I thought that little error was kinda funny (NO OFFENSE). The second thing was after “points” you’d actually put a comma there.

Ok, you used “pfps” twice in this article. Since “pfps” is an acronym I would change it to PFPs. You don’t have to though!

“No one is quite sure when the chaos will end, and for several minutes on the 23rd it appeared that even the hosts were striking and withholding cabin wars.”

After “23rd” you actually need a comma.

“As of now none of the demands have been met, none of the strikers have stopped striking, and all of SWC is wondering what will happen next.”

After “now” you actually need a comma.
Thanks for letting me edit your article, Chuey! <3

~245

Daily 25!
(I don't know what I was doing)

Everyone dies eventually
What’s the point of life if there’s no end, Ami
Everyone has one life
Don’t let yours be filled with bitterness and strife

Look at the way the world is today
Everything in disarray
If only we could make a change
Maybe even rearrange

Be kind to one another
Treat them like a sister or brother
Please be kind
Leave disputes behind

You don’t know what they’re going through
They might feel pain too
Everyone is hurting inside
Those feelings they try to hide

Just a bit of praise
Might help them see through the haze
You can do little things
To help them spread their wings

You could even become friends with them
And help each other through the mayhem
Maybe you could become friends
Really, it just depends

If you’re willing to smile
It will go the mile
Kindness is within you
Yes! That's true
Shine a light
Ever so bright
For all the world to see
Kind is an great thing to be

Be kind because they may be feeling fear
Mixed with tears
All the pain
And the unending rain

Do your part
Give from the heart
Please donate a hug or a smile
It is definitely worthwhile

You can choose to be kind everyday
Help out in every way
Chase away the shadows
Chase away the foes

Helping someone is the greatest feeling
The best kind of healing
Warm as sunshine
Gonna have a good time

This poem has come to a conclusion
I hope there’s no confusion
Be kind
All the time

~261 words

Critique for Oak!
Oak’s contest entry!
Praise and critiques!


Hey Oak! Thank you so much for letting me read this! It was an honor! Before I start I just want to say- OH MY GOSH, OAK!!!! THIS IS SO GOOD!!! I love how- AHHHH I’M AT A LOSS OF WORDS! IT’S SO SAD AND SWEET AND- AHHHH!!! Ok, Back to the topic at hand. This is a wonderful, beautiful, piece of art and I honestly wouldn’t change much. However, I do have just a few grammatical suggestions and some things that might help the flow! Let’s get started!


““You’re going to ruin these clothes if you put them in that bucket one more time!” My mother’s voice is firm, yet carries a hint of amusement.”


Ok! I’ll start here! So, this is just a very small error but after “firm” there is no need for a comma!


“Dove… her small smile, her echoing laugh… I need to stop thinking of her.”


Ok, In my opinion, you could keep this sentence and probably be fine! However, my suggestion was to change it to “Dove, her small smile, her echoing laugh… I need to stop thinking of her.”
Honestly, I’m not sure but either way it’s fine!


One thing I might add is really show more of the pain they are going through? I’m not sure


“I wish she was still here…suddenly, the flower beside me shakes with movement.”


Ok, again, great sentence! However, I would change it to “I wish she was still here. Suddenly, the flower beside me shakes with movement.” I just feel like that helps the flow a bit!


“Perched next to it is a dove. Its small, magical wings flutter and it chirps—my sister's namesake.”


After “flutter” you would actually need a comma


““Dove… oh Dove…” I say, reaching for the fragile white creature.”


AHHHHHHHHH I LOVE THIS SENTENCE!!! It makes me feel indescribable feelings! Ahhhhh! I have one suggestion though! I would change the “…” after the first “Dove” to a comma!


“I curl around it, I mean her, Dove, and doze off.”


I love this sentence too! But I have a few flow suggestions! How about maybe changing it to this, “I curl around it—I mean, her, Dove—and doze off.” I just think that it kinda helps it a bit but you can keep your first sentence if you want! <3


Oak, I absolutely loved reading this and editing it! I love it so much and you are an amazing author! I felt so many emotions stirring up inside as I read this! I just really don’t know how to describe what I felt. I love it so much! It’s a great story! If you change it or have more things you’d like me to check, please let me know! I’d love to read more of your stories! <3

~476 words

Word war with Luna <3
Prompt: “Saving people does not make you a hero”

“Mara, thought I told you last time-” Logan stopped as soon as he saw the tears rushing down Mara's eyes. He felt bad critiquing her again.
“What happened?” Logan asked worriedly. Mara didn’t answer. She just continued to cry.
“Mara-”
“Go away, Logan.” Mara whispered
“But Mara-”
“GO AWAY!” Mara repl

~51 words

Martyr| Tragedy| Long forgotten place| Flashback

“Guys! We got a letter!” Daniel shouted as he ran in the room.
“Give it here!” Daniel’s brother, Andrew shouted.
“No! I want to read it” Daniel shouted.
“You can’t read!” Andrew teased.
“Yes I can!” Daniel argued. Before they could tear each other to pieces Marcus snatched the envelope out of their clutches.
“What does it say?” Renya asked.
“Chill out, Renya. He hasn’t even opened it yet!” I giggled in response.
“Shut up” Renya said half jokingly. Marcus rolled his eyes and opened the letter. His eyes flew across the page. His face fell.
“What is it Marcus?” Andrew asked.
“Emily, you have to read this.” Marcus said as he handed me the letter. I looked at him, then at the piece of paper. It read:

Dear Survivors,

Greetings, Survivors. As you may know there are only five of you left. We have your location if you don’t meet at the ruins at sundown we will send our soldiers to end you. We’ll see you then! Ta ta! -The Terrible Tyrants

As soon as I read it, Renya snatched it out of my hands. She read it while Daniel and Andrew read it over her shoulder.
“What a terrible name!” Daniel said grinning.
“Now is not the time for puns.” Marcus sighed.
“They even had the nerve for alliteration.” Andrew said.
“What do we do now?” Renya asks.
“The only thing there is to do.” I replied coldly. I knew what was going to happen. They were gonna demand a life to keep four others alive. For now. The look on my face must have told Marcus everything.
“It’s going to be ok.” Marcus gave me a look that said “We’ll talk about this later”
“Do we go?” Renya asked.
“We have to.” I replied, “What else can we do?”
“We could run.” Renya suggested.
“We could fight them.” Daniel and Andrew said at the same time.
“No,” Marcus replied.
“I don’t think it would do us any good.” I finished.
“Where’s the ruins? Do any of us know?” Renya asked.
“Nope,” Marcus, Andrew, and Daniel said at the same time.
“I do,” I said.
…
“Whoa!” they all marveled.
“Yep.” I said. It was a beautiful temple. I had been here many times before when I was stumbling through the forest. It was a temple to the roman god Pluto I believe. That certainly wasn’t a good omen.
“What’s the plan?” Reyna asked. I knew the plan but I wasn’t going to tell them.
“Don’t worry about it. I got this.” I said. Marcus gave me a skeptical look.
“Are you sure, Emily?” Andrew asked.
“Yes.” I answered
“YOU ACTUALLY CAME” A booming voice said from somewhere around the temple.
“Show yourself!” I yelled. Three dark figures came out of the shadows. They were cloaked in black robes that hid their faces.
“Ourselves” They corrected.
“What do you want?” Marcus asked. They didn’t have to say anything we could tell they were grinning. The one in the middle stepped forward.
“We require a soul” It said
“One” Another said
“In return” The third one said.
“We’ll let the rest live” The first one said
“What do you say?” They all asked at once. We all looked at each other.
“Deal.” I said, “I volunteer.”
“DEAL” The voices boomed. I started to walk towards them when Marcus grabbed my wrist.
“You don’t have to do this, Emily.”
“I’m afraid I do, Marcus.”
“I can’t let you die.”
“Me either.”
“I’m not letting go.”
“You were going to have to eventually.” I replied, “Let go.”
“No”
“Just do it, Marcus. Don’t make this more painful for us.” I gestured back at Renya, Andrew, and Daniel who were crying and hugging each other. I walked over to them and gave them one last hug. I walked back to Marcus and gave him a kiss on the cheek.
“Goodbye” I said as I walked over to the dark figures. They pulled out their knife and-

I got pulled into my memories. Images flashing through my mind. I saw the 9 year old Daniel and Andrew building and destroying block towers. Their shaggy blonde hair and playful blue eyes. I saw the 10 year old Renya drawing beautiful pictures of what she thought the “above ground” looked like. And I saw the 13 year old Marcus. Him and I were cooking. We were the only cooks in the base anyway. His shaggy brown hair. His sparkling emerald eyes. I never wanted this to end…

~752 words

୨୧ yume's writing thread ୨୧

Critique for Yume!

Hey, Yume! I love your poem! It’s so good RAHHHH!!! Thanks for giving me the opportunity to edit your poem! It is such an honor! IT IS SUCH A GOOD POEM!!! RAHHHHHH- Ok, Back to the topic at hand. This is a wonderful, beautiful, piece of art and I honestly wouldn’t change a lot. I do have just a few grammar suggestions and some things that might help the flow! Let’s get started!


“Broken shards sent tumbling to the ground.”


I love this sentence, but I think instead of “tumbling” you could use a more powerful word! Like maybe “falling” or “crashing” I think “Crashing” would show anger and “falling” gives it a bit of a sad vibe. I think out of the two I would use “crashing” because it sounds grammatically correct. Yeah, you don’t have to change that though!


“As time and time again,
Drops of ice melted, they’re falling…
It feels like despair, it feels like the end,
And the darkness only continues calling…”


In this section/paragraph there’s actually a few changes I would like to make! Here’s how it looked when I edited it:
“As time and time again,
Drops of ice melted; they’re falling…
It feels like despair; it feels like the end.
And the darkness only continues calling…”
I think that just helped the flow a little! You don’t have to change it though!


“November is a lie-
“The month simply doesn’t exist.”
It’s there, in front of every eye,
Like the present, it’s a gift.”
After “Lie” and “eye” I would put a period instead of a comma or dash!


“It fades into the emptiness-” and “That longing burns within-” and “Blindly trusting myself while it’s near-”
I would put a period instead of a dash


“I’m the problem, I always am.”
After “problem” there actually needs to be a semicolon instead of a comma! You’re doing great!


“But November’s also something else-


After “else” You actually need just a colon!


“A dream, quite like any other-”


After “other” you don’t need a dash or any other punctuation!


Yume, Thank you so much for letting me edit your piece! I hope this is helpful! I’d just like to add that I have semi-bad feelings toward fall so for that reason I could just relate to your poem. I love it so much! You are an amazing poet/author! One thing I really liked was that every other line rhymes! I absolutely loved reading this and editing it! If you have more things you’d like me to check, please let me know! I’d love to read more of your stories! <3


~422 words

I walk up to the casket. Tears fall down my face like miniature waterfalls. I had hoped this day would never come, but unfortunately, all good things come to an end. I had hoped my suspicion was wrong. For once in my life, I wanted more than anything to be proven wrong! But no. Life had other plans. Regrets fill my head. There’s so many of those. I wish I had spent more time with him. He deserved my time. He didn’t deserve this. I would do anything just to have him back. I wish I could have another grandpa hug. Those were the best kind. I wish we could have written our story. I always promised him that I’d work on it. I’d come up with ideas, but I never did. Then I realized I was trapped in my head again. I pushed all of my thoughts away for a moment, only to find myself standing over his lifeless body. I take a deep breath and reach for his hand. When I take his hand, a dreadful feeling enters me. Loss. Deep, painful loss. I try to hold back my tears, but I just can’t. I remember the fun times we always had. I remember playing little games that were supposed to test my reflexes. I remember how invested you were when I talked about school or softball. You were a great listener. You would always praise me and tell me how brilliant I was or give me tips for softball. I remember our swimming lessons. I always loved those. “I wish we had more time,” I sigh. I release his hand and redirect my attention to the small bouquet. 
 
The first flower, a forget-me-not. A promise that I will never forget you. That I will hold your memory close to heart. That I will remember to write our book. That I will remember the dad jokes, the hugs, and the encouragement. A promise that I will remember. I lay the forget-me-not on his chest.
 
The second flower is a yellow tulip. In remembrance of your smile and laughter. I can’t help but smile when I think of you. Your terrible dad jokes always got a groan out of the family. I remember every time I gave you a hug, you’d always tease me and say how it wasn’t tight enough. I lay the tulip on his chest.

I grab the next four flowers from the bouquet. A pink camellia, representing my longing for you. A purple hyacinth, representing my sorrow and pain. A dark crimson rose, representing my mourning and how much I miss you. And lastly, a willow flower, representing my sadness. These five flowers are the pain I feel now that you’re gone. I wish more than anything that we had more time.My heart hurts like there is a hole in it. Tears are still falling down my face. I want to believe you’ll pop out from behind a chair and yell “APRIL FOOLS!!!" but that won’t happen. I don’t want to believe you’re gone. My heart feels as if it’s been shattered into a million pieces. I lay the four flowers down on his chest.

The next two flowers are a zinnia and a periwinkle. Both for the friendship-like bond we shared. We had a lot in common. You were like the friend I could never have. When you passed, I felt like a part of me died with you. I lay the two flowers on his chest.

Then I grab a lavender flower. It represents the relief I feel knowing you are no longer hurting. You are in heaven with your parents and grandma’s parents and God. I’m glad that you are no longer in pain. I lay the lavender down on his chest.

“I love you more.” I say as I lay down the final flower, a red chrysanthemum.

Critique for Marbles!


OH MY GOSH!!! WHAT IN THE WILLY WONKA WORLD, MARBLES!? I WANT MORE!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Ok, Back to the topic at hand. This is a thrilling, heart-stopping, tear-jerking piece of writing and I honestly wouldn’t change a lot. I do have just a few grammar suggestions and some things that might help the flow! Let’s get started!


Ok! Before I get started with my grammar checks you wanted me to give you suggestions on the plot twist/betrayal! I had an idea what may happen. However, you did fool me. I thought maybe Weren would leave Mark and that would be it BUT NO! YOU HAD OTHER PLANS! It was AWESOME!!! I did NOT expect it to go down like that, man! WOW! In other words I think you did great and it’s awesome! Ok! Now I'm going to help you with grammar!


“Weren stopped in his footsteps, and turned around to see his best friend standing pretty far away from him.”


I think that instead of “footsteps” I would put “tracks” . I just think that sounds a bit better. Also you don’t need the comma after “tracks”


“Mark, come here. You can trust me, you've always trusted me.”


Instead of a comma you’d actually need a semicolon!


““We need to get out of here, before the government finds out we know their secrets. Don't you want justice for what they did to Luna? The whole town is suffering because of their greed, We got the evidence of the government wasting our money for all this corruption, and you're stopping right now even though we got here so far?””


After “here” you don’t need that comma. After “greed” you actually need a period instead of the comma.


“Alarms started to blare, the government agents will be on their way soon.”


After “blare” you need a comma instead of a semicolon


“Mark was on the verge of breaking down, Weren rushed to him and hugged him tightly.”


After “breaking down” you need to change the comma into a period


“These times I've run away is because a friend working as a spy in these walls had provided me information about the place and asked me to join him on an exploration.”


The “is” in between “away” and “because” doesn’t need to be there.


“Footsteps were approaching their way. “


I like “Footsteps were coming their way” instead.


““Come in. Didn't you just knocked on my door?””


“Knocked” should probably be just “knock”


“Weren shuddered. The plan should've gone right. The agent said so! Else he wouldn't be here.”


Instead of “Else” I would put “Otherwise”


““How did you know my name? Hold on… How did any of you got my name?”


Instead of “got” I would put “got”


Ok! That’s all I have! I hope this was helpful! Have a wonderful winter and keep writing! <3

~482 words