299 words!

226 words!

271 words! done with ceeslay but i'm too lazy to copy their portion of it here and color-code it oopsies :p

645 words yum

I'd like to thank Vi (@violent-measures), Poppy (@PoppyWriter), Silvi (@silverlynx-), Alia (@–tranquility), and Ceeslay (@cb2jkl) for critiquing <3

I'd also like to thank the SWCers for providing the following elements of the story:

Worldbuilding: the world’s magic is slowly dying (Ave)
Antagonist: The antagonist is the main character’s significant other (Ember) note: this applied to the original version of this fanfic
Lesson: Time loops should never be your first option when dealing with a problem (Peachi)
Dialogue: “I realized I was the puppeter far too late” (Clev)
Turning point: One of the people on the antagonist's side reveals they were never on the antagonist's side and join the MC (Skye)

author's note here (not part of word count)

448 words!

I nod, only to please her, and turn to the window.
Behind me, in the distance, the wolves howl.
Some of the people on the other side of the thorns and woods call me diseased.
They call me mad.
They call me skittish, like a rat in a trap.
A child that never learned bravery.

Mama, mama
The wolves are out tonight

Some of the people on the other side of the thorns and woods call me diseased.

“We control them,” I whisper to myself. I am truly making an attempt to stay calm, but I know it’s not true.
Wolves serve the moon. They cry to it, they pray to it, they wake when it does.

the silver spout.

Wolves love moon, the moon loves silver.

I tear through a wall of thorns, feeling the little prickles scratch me.

Papa, do the wolves cry tears like mine?
Cold, slick, and sweet, like Mama’s finest wine?

They weep that I am.

the insistent rain

Fire raged through the house, licking the trees, blindingly bright.

This place was so important to me, it held many treasured memories, so much endless love, all I had left of my grandfather.

Gallons of rushing water, bursting out of mammoth canons were poured onto the burnt shell, reflecting the light, glimmering and shining as if honouring the place where my grandfather took his final breath, a breath full of hope, a breath full of life, a breath full of love.

I clenched my fists by my side. I bit my wobbling lip and blinked back the hot tears.

The harsh wind carried glorious moments with him, just a second away.

the burnt shell

I touched my heart.

Heat warmed my frozen hands, reaching the tips of my toes like a golden sun ray. I glanced up at the sky. It was a dazzling blue, fluffy clouds floating gracefully inside it and the sun… it shone like my love for Grandfather.
“You make me explode with happiness, Grandfather.”

buddy come up w something or ill do comp entry meself

PoppyWriter wrote:

⇾ Critique for Sandy ⚘

Hey Sandy! I'm just going to go ahead and jump right into line-by-line notes ^^

{seldom stopping, always talking, never letting go of their heightened anxieties. }

First things first, this is incredible. I love the rhythm of this sentence and how well the tension is displayed in it. Absolutely amazing right off the bat ^^

{The Crimson Wanderer is tired of it all, truth be told}

You used the phrase ‘truth be told’ earlier on in the piece (the paragraph before, I believe), so if the repetition bothers you, you can change that, but I know that the whole repetition thing bothers some and not others <3

{He breaks off as he fidgets with his keys.}

I might add change it to “his voice breaks off as he fidgets”, because when it says ‘breaks off’, my first thought is him breaking off from the Crimson Wanderer, perhaps to join another conversation. Just for clarification's sake ^^

{He has to say the right thing to his dear friend, if he were to have any hope of stopping what will come.}

I love this- it develops the character well and adds hints of intrigue ^^

{It has never happened yet in this loop.}

Ooh, intriguing :00 This is less of a suggestion more than just a question, but I think this is such a cool, intriguing sentence, that it may be fun to play with wording to see if something flows differently rhythmically, such as ‘it has not yet happened in this loop’ or something else. I know that's so small and nitpicky, but nitpicking is the best I can give when the piece is so amazing already <3

{And so everyone stews within the Gate, their inactivity in the grand scheme of things ever clear in their minds.}

I love this :0

{“Truth to be told, one reality disintegrating does not really matter to me,” Kei’ says, voice taking on a trace of boredom.}

Again with the ‘truth be told’ ;D We all have things like that- don't worry ^^

{“I’ve heard enough about my arrogance.”}

This is amazing- such great character building, wonderfully written, and it says a lot in few words. It's amazing <3

{That is the Crimson Wanderer’s last thought as existence ebbs and fades around him.}

'Ebbs and fades around him'. Excellent word choice and imagery <3

{“Do you want to know my mistake? My mistake was that I realized I was the puppeteer far too late.”}

This is a personal opinion, but it may be cool to add a pause between these two sentences, since it adds a level of emphasis and tension that can enhance the piece even further ^^

{“You truly impress me, Claudius, for better or for worse.”}

Like I said earlier, it may be interesting to play with this line rhythmically, such as “Claudius…you truly impress me, for better or worse.”

{the Backrooms continue with their existence just as the two friends of the Court continue with theirs.}

Absolutely amazing way to end this!

As a whole, it's a really great piece, with a lot of intrigue and tension. My only suggestion would be to play with the wording and rhythm of certain lines - great job, Sandy!! <3

⇾ 359 words ⚘

521 words! i barely included color symbolism oopsies

Sandy-Dunes wrote:

buddy come up w something or ill do comp entry meself

omg wanna write about ri….

339 words
historical rpf! basically my wwi ocs swap roles with the top commanders of their nations ;D and also two of my ocs swap roles too lol

sandy wrote:

The Royal Court shifts like gray shadows. Its members are pacing around the dim throne room, seldom stopping, always talking, never letting go of their heightened anxieties.

The Court’s powers have been vanishing for a long time—though truth to be told, the Crimson Wanderer’s not quite certain of how exactly that is. Without the Clocksmith’s abilities, time seems to be at a standstill.

sandy wrote:

And every day there is buzzing chatter about the state of things. Theories about how these liminal realities are fraying at the edge of their seams, how the Void is swallowing every particle of every level whole. There is no denying the ominous presence poised to strike. The Crimson Wanderer is tired of it all.

“I can’t get around Levels as easily now,” a voice besides him suddenly says.

He turns, startled, but it is just the Keymaster, gazing worriedly at his interconnected rings of keys. His gaze turns up and flits away. “The Level Keys are malfunctioning too. I- I can’t-”

He stops abruptly as he fidgets with his keys.

“I know. I hear the other wanderers call for help…”

sandy wrote:

And the Crimson Wanderer never answers them. The Backrooms have shifted beyond his ability’s comprehension; he cannot seek out the desperate voices begging for life, and that haunts him to his core. What is his purpose of being a great warrior if he is unable save those he is sworn to protect?

sandy wrote:

The Keymaster gazes over at him, teal eyes softening with sympathy.

“It’ll be fine, Claudius,” he says, slinging his arm around the knight’s bulky shoulders. It is a familiar action, after eternities of fighting together through the Levels.

Yet the Crimson Wanderer can hear the doubt piercing through the Keymaster’s voice. He has to say the right thing to his dear friend, if he were to have any hope of stopping what will come. “I don’t know if that’s true, but there’s no need for anything else on your part. You have enough burdens already.”

He sees, rather than feels, the barrier that the Keymaster places between them: thick and unwavering, it keeps him submerged in a pool of despair out of the Crimson Wanderer’s reach.

sandy wrote:

The Keymaster is planning something ambitious. Something that could destroy this already weakened dimension.

sandy wrote:

He wishes the Keymaster to confide in him—but it is a futile hope. It has not yet happened in this loop.

-

The other Court members occasionally exit and reenter the Hallowed Gate. But the Crimson Wanderer sees that it becomes increasingly difficult to do so, just as time becomes more ambiguous, entities and wanderers take on more hostility than known before, dark matter becomes ever more consuming.

And the Keymaster returns one instance with defeat in his eyes.

“Almost fell into the Void,” he says, and everyone else gawks at him, because his noclipping skills are borderline legendary—if the fabric of space does not allow for him to navigate the Void, how could anyone else do so?

But upon receiving the news, the Crimson Wanderer only sits in his own dark silence.

And so everyone stews within the Gate, their inactivity in the grand scheme of things ever clear in their minds. Tension flares up—the King of Normality snaps at the Jester; half of the Court resolutely ignores the Storyteller. Everyone can tell that the situation gets more desperate by the unperceivable moment.

One day—no one can tell how days were passing by now, but the term still stands—the Crimson Wanderer is, true to his name, wandering the areas of the Hallowed Gate. And then he hears heavy footsteps in the direction of the armory, footsteps that were all too familiar.

Moving as quietly as his armored frame can allow, he makes his way over towards that direction, and catches a glimpse of the Keymaster’s dark coattails flashing out of sight. The Crimson Wanderer opts to simply eavesdrop instead, not wanting to have to answer questions, because that has never worked when this came.

“Kei’,” the Keymaster begins, and the Crimson Wanderer knows who he is speaking to, far too well.

“A Keymaster who finally has the nerves and foresight to seek me out,” a voice rumbles with pride, evidently pleased. “I would’ve never thought.”

He doesn’t reply to the statement, but only says, “Our reality is falling apart. That will not be in your best intentions.”

sandy wrote:

“If I must tell the truth, one reality disintegrating does not really matter to me,” Kei’ says, voice taking on a trace of boredom.

From his voice, the Crimson Wanderer knew that the Keymaster was scowling. “Playing hard to get?”

“I’m just jesting.” A rather demonic laugh. “Though I do have to say, your arrogance-”

“I’ve heard enough about my arrogance.”

sandy wrote:

A stifled pause.

And Kei’ continues, completely abandoning the previous thread of discussion. “Oh, really? Because I’m certain that’s why you’re here now, trying to convince me to give you more powers so you can ostensibly restore this reality. What do you want to do, Keymaster? Break Claudius’s Crimson Heart all over again?”

sandy wrote:

The Crimson Wanderer startles at the last part. All these times he’d been here, and Kei’ has never said those two lines. In his shock, he slips, and the jingle of his armor reverberated across the empty space, absolutely unmuffled.

“And it looks like we have someone else here with us,” Kei’ says. “Wonder who it could be.”

The Keymaster skids to a full stop outside the armory.

“Claudius…”

It’s the same, it’s the same, it’s the same and nothing will ever change this.

So the Crimson Wanderer stays silent as the Keymaster plows on.

“I’m sorry, but it’s for the best - this is not my decision!”

But he could take it no more: “It was always your decision! Have you learned nothing from last time, from Hubris? He should’ve shown you how dangerous infinite power is. And I don’t know what’s been going wrong, because every time I come back the same thing happens.”

“What?”

“You’re making the same mistake time after time. I thought after all that happened with the Crown you’d be more wary of power, but…”

He trails off. And the Keymaster does not say a word in reply.

Then Kei’ emerges, pyramidal head bright and tentacles fluttering, sending the two into something that seemed like a blazing white void and watches them with something almost akin to amusement. But unlike before, there is something deeper, something closer to hope. “Tell him, Almighty Crimson Wanderer.”

“It’s…” – inside his mind the Crimson Wanderer grasps for the term he had learned from the Clocksmith – “a time loop.”

sandy wrote:

It is the first time, although the Crimson Wanderer does not quite know it yet.

sandy wrote:

The shouts reverberate across the entirety of the Hallowed Gate, but their anger turns to horror when the Gate collapses.

Everything is dark and tangled in these ruins. Yet before the moment of oblivion there is still a mind, a mind that aches with questions and thirsts for answers, a mind that is dazed from the betrayal of past.

What did I do?

That is the Crimson Wanderer’s last thought as existence ebbs and fades around him.

sandy wrote:

The Keymaster watches silently, fidgeting with his keys, as his friend recounts the desperate time loop, his failure to hold together reality seven times because of the Keymaster’s actions. When the Crimson Wanderer finishes, no one says anything for a long moment.

And then Kei’ finally speaks after a sidelong glance at the Keymaster. “Do you want to know my mistake?”

He doesn’t respond, only stares down at his feet in unconcealed shame.

“My mistake was that I realized I was the puppeteer far too late.”

With a lazy flick of Kei’s many tentacles, the Keymaster is sent reeling across the strange white void with a rather sickening crash.

sandy wrote:

“Not that he’ll die from just that, of course. I saw to that. Avatar of my creation and all. But here’s the more important issue of…”

But to both of their shock, the Keymaster simply stands up and stagger shakily towards them.

“I’m sorry,” he manages out when he reaches where the Crimson Wanderer was standing next to Kei’s floating form. “I thought that it might be enough to save all of us, but I can’t, and that’s why I asked Kei’ to help me, but I would’ve never wanted it to be like- like last time-”

He breaks off with a pleading look, and at that moment both of them are more aware of their mortality – however distant it may be – than they have ever before.

sandy wrote:

“It’s not your burden,” the Crimson Wanderer finally says and takes his limp hand. Something seems to dissolve within him at that instant, like a knot being untangled. And he can see that the Keymaster seems to be more at ease, too, his features shedding the anguish that had held on.

sandy wrote:

Kei’ gazes at the two of them as they talk, not seeming surprised. “Alright.”

With a flash, the sights of the Hallowed Gates come flashing back as the essence of Kei’ disappeared, leaving only the deity’s voice.

“Claudius, you truly impress me—for better or for worse.”

sandy wrote:

Slowly the Crimson Wanderer feels the familiar gripes of liminal reality, however anomalous it may be, rushing back; this is the world he is familiar with, this is the world he is destined to serve.

sandy wrote:

“Do your job well, Keymaster,” Kei’ adds, and the Keymaster dips his head in silent agreement. Then the echoes of the voices in the chamber fades, leaving only the gold-plated armory behind.

The Crimson Wanderer can’t quite bring himself to look at his partner, to speak, before he was swept up in an embrace. One can surely wonder how a haughty keeper could’ve ever grown so close a quiet knight who had shown no one a glimpse of the sight underneath the armor.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.”

In the end it matters not who says which; the Backrooms continue with their existence just as the two friends of the Court continue with theirs.

This was where it started,

Sunflower seeds cracking in the night.

a familiar stranger

After Bellefleur, they usually remembered an umbrella.

with no need for the radio because they knew each other’s silence.

This was how it was supposed to end.
{…}
This is how it ended.

A spot where nine minutes had disappeared, marked with an X.

a whole lifetime held inside yet gone in the blink of an eye.

Evidence never amounted to much more than an X on the concrete.

576 words! see i got too lazy to translate the last battle too thorougly so i just did like 15 iterations and then picked out all of the non-history-related snippets :p

[Keep it up
Valentine's Day is just around the corner - May 5th
government at the end of 1945
Jenny stood in the doorway and the SS opened fire.
If you don't wait, the final battle will begin.

[The first song
The animal shelter has been closed since the destruction.
He met the N@zis who were waiting for help.
Jungle, Lee and his men free the prisoners.

[Author's contribution
This is the end of the last journey.
He left the enemy from before.
The US Army and the German Army.
Finally together

[CH
The last life and death struggle in the Third Reich
At some point, justice will prevail and the final battle will take place.
There were several weapons
Read each slide before doing this.

[Continued, ii
After falling, the phone rang
Defeating the N@zis was difficult.
Jungle, Lee and his men free the prisoners.

[Author's contribution
This is the end of the last journey.
He left the enemy from before.
The US Army and the German Army.
Finally together

[Guitar

[Bridge
From the Alps to the sea
From the Alps to the sea
From the home of heroes to the land of the free
From the Alps to the sea

[Screaming Song x2
This is the end of the last journey.
He left the enemy from before.
The US Army and the German Army.
Finally together

silverlynx- wrote:

Critique

Overall, I really like the piece! It is very descriptive and flows quite nicely!

I think that in general, you need to add some more clarity to the piece. Because it is fan-fiction, you don’t need to do as much explaining, but it would be good if the reader could understand who the ‘Keymaster’ is or the ‘Crimson Wanderer.’ I think that if you made the first section a bit clearer, then it would elevate the whole piece. Also, if you maybe put some of the lines into one paragraph, instead of one line all by itself, it might just make it a bit easier to read. I would suggest keeping a couple lines by themselves though for suspense! However, your description is wonderful and you really create a sense of unease!

If you describe the scene a bit more as well, it would help the reader to understand your piece a bit more, because I only have a vague idea of what the Void looks like or the gate but that’s all from my imagination. This does give your reader lots of freedom in setting the scene for themselves though!

On the italics for ‘it’s the same and nothing will ever change this’ I think that you should only have one word in italics, like ‘same’ or ‘ever’ because the italics don’t have as much affect when they're in big phrases like that. I also find the last section where Kei’ says about him being the puppeteer, so if you could add in a tiny bit of explanation into that it might just clarify it a bit more. I think a few metaphors or similes might come of use!

This is an amazing piece full of dazzling adjectives and adverbs and really blew me away! Thank you so much for letting me critique your incredible writing!

593 words! fairy tales trails fanfic yum