Sandy's Thread (for writing, history, and other stuff)

A-Sad-Invention

what the freak

mis·take
/məˈstāk/
noun
an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong.
“coming here was a mistake”

dear reader
burn all the files, desert all your past lives
and if you don't recognize yourself
that means you did it right

Sandy-Dunes

Camphora gazed at Basil as she contemplated his orgins. “Wow. That's crazy to think about it.”
“It is what it is, I suppose,” he replied with a shrug. “Now I'm stuck here and the organization has taken over back home, and I need to go back.”
Camphora nodded. “Maybe the Shore Guard can help us then.” She realized now how important taking down the orgo was to BAsil, and she would make sure that she would be able to help him.
“But remember what Captain STrigid said?? There's not much that they can do,” Basil pointed out. “Maybe-”
“We take matters into our own hands!” she exclaimed.
BAsil sighed, but nodded. “Yeah, something along that line,” he agreed. “But I think they could help to some extent, and then we'll just figure out the rest of it.”
“Good plan.”
The two of them fell silent for a moment as they each contemplated their own problems and their thoughts about the situation at hand. Both of them were far from home, and they both had so many things to figure out before they could return—or rather, in order to return.
“Well. This fish sandwich, and I right?” Basil said in an obvious effort to ease the tension, holding up the fish sandwich that he was eating. Camphora laughed.

That night, Camphora looked over to what Flavius was doing. As per usual, he was busy writing something at the same time that he was eating. From the look of Brenn's expression, she'd given up caring about it a long time ago.
“Is that an architecture plan?” she asked curiously.
Flavius looked up, somewhat startled. He'd obviously been too buried into the work. But he answered brightly: “Yeah! This is for the building that they want to remodel. Apparently there's been a wall that was falling down, which sounds pretty unstable if you ask me, so I've just been reviewing this thing.”
He returned to flipping through the pages, licking a finger before he turned to the next architecture plan, and Brenn sighed quite audibly when she saw that.
“Anyways, kids,” she said to Camphora and Basil, holding out a bucket. “You two go to the beach and find some stuff. I have something to discuss with Flavius right now.”
“Really?” Flavius asked cluelessly.
“Indeed we do. Go get your exercise and whatnot,” she continued shortly to them, giving them no choice but to head out.
So Camphora and BAsil did end up going to the beach, and they stood on the sand, looking over the sunset at the edge of the water.
“Did she really say ”stuff“? BAsil asked Camphora.
”Sounds like it,“ she replied. ”What clear instructions, am I right? I'm just going to find some shells.“
So shells she found, and BAsil found some little crabs that could be cooked. They got some kelp too; CAmphora remembered that she ate some kelp earlier in the week, but she wasn't quite sure where Brenn got it from
The two of them looked up from the Sandy to see a dark figure standing near the water. As the sun was in their eyes, neither of them could see the figure quite well.
”Who's that?“ Camphora asked BAsil.
”NO idea. ARe they looking at us?“
The two of them then realized that if that was the case, maybe it wasn't the most polite to stare straight at them in the manner that they were doing, so both of them looked away swiftly. Camphora dug a little hole in the sand to hold in the water when it came rolling back with the tide, and she found another little crab to put into the bucket. She grabbed a shell too, careful to not crush any of the crabs with it.
”This could be an aquarium tank,“ she said thoughtfully as she recalled how she'd seen aquariums filled with replicas of ocean life. This was essentially the real thing, however. Although not necessarily sea life but more so seaside life.
”Yeah, I can see it,“ Basil said. ”We had an aquariums in the capital of Flammox, too. And a really fancy fish tank in the palace.“
Camphora looked over at him. It seemed that he was starting to be much more open, now that he could be really honest with her—it wasn't as if he had been lying the whole time, but he certainly was hiding things, and she wondered how much effort that it must have took for him to be so careful with saying everything.
If she was honestly, she had so many things to ask Basil about his past life, now that she learned about it. He must be famous too, being a whole monarch and all. Did no one come to look for him with the collapse of the government? HOw did he escape? Could the Evil Organization still be looking for him right now?
Out loud, she only said, ”Cool to know.“
She looked up again towards the water, but the figure was gone. Basil followed her gaze, and the two of them looked around the beach, but the figure was nowhere to be found. NOt that the two could really identify them anyway.
”It's getting dark now,“ Camphora pointed out. She looked over towards the flickering lights of the town. ”Should we go back?“
Basil nodded, and they brought their catches back home.

Once they entered the house, neither Brenn nor Flavius was anywhere to be seen.
”Maybe they're in their rooms?“ Camphora said thoughtfully.
”I mean, where else could they be?“
”Bathroom, maybe. Or upstairs.“
”OKay, yeah, that's fair.“
As it turns out, they simply weren't in the house.
Camphora sat down in the living room. ”Soo, what should we do?“
”I mean, wait?“
”No no no, we can't just wait in silence. Were you like planning on doing that?“ Camphora asked BAsil skeptically. He shrugged. ”Hrm. Okay. I mean, I guess if you want we can just read in silence then. I don't really mind, i guess.“
”Alright, then," he agreed, pulling out a book from the stack in the corner.

-

So the gang continued happily forward to rescue the people of SWC, but they didn't get far when they ran into an obstacle on the way! It turns out that they were simply unable to continue on because they ran into a muddy ditch. Quicksand-like and slick, it was very difficult for the gang to make it out of there.
“I think it's a tar pit, actually,” Churchill corrected the narration.
“You know what else is like a tar pit? The stifling stench of capitalism!!” Marx insisted to the group as he fell more and more deeply into the tar pit, much to everyone's concern.
“I think we're gonna be stuck here,” Sandy said worriedly, surveying the group around her. Smarlls, Marc Mangosen, and Monty gazed at her worriedly as well. “Smarlls, can you go on ahead?” Smarlls was the only one who was basically free of the tar pit.
“But you guys need to come out???”
“We'll be fine,” Monty pointed out. “If we like stay still and hold onto a tree branch or something… I'm not sure, but the main cabin is more important! We're not gonna die here if you leave us alone, I promise.”
Sandy, Churchill, Marx, and Marc Mangosen all gave the ibex similar reassurances, and so Smarlls turned around and headed in the direction of the main cabin, throwing one regretful look back at the people in the tar pit before setting off at a full trot.
“Well, I guess Smarlls is gonna save everyone without us, then,” Monty grumbled. “In the meantime, how exactly do I stop sinking?”
“Pull really hard on that branch over there, maybe,” Churchill pointed to the tree branch in the distance. It was a tree root, as a matter of fact, but the gang minus Smarlls didn't particularly want to waste time with technicalities.
“You do it, Prime Minister,” Marx told Churchill. The Marxist was sliding deeper and deeper in, with his chin almost touching the surface of the pit.
“Alright,” Churchill agreed, and grabbed for the roots. He managed to pull himself out of the deep pit, although not without leaving behind his top hat, and then reached out a hand to help Marx as well. Sandy and Marc didn't particularly take the prime minster for the athletic type, but he did manage to pull out Marx with surprisingly little difficulty. Then the two of them helped out Sandy and Marc as well, and so they ended up chilling next to the tar pit and doing their best to brush off the tar.
“I'm going to take a nice long bath when this is over,” Marc said stiffly.
“Hey, at least we don't have to fight now,” Sandy said. There was basically no point fighting with tar-stained clothes and a ridiculously long journey back to the cabin, given their… tar-ness. The SWCers would've probably defeated the Balrog-Gurtle or whatever it was attacking the cabin. They were in good hands.
“Well, I guess I'll just eat this then,” Marx said as he gobbled up a mango.

Last edited by Sandy-Dunes (March 23, 2024 22:01:57)

“i have been made to protect you. only in death will i be kept from this oath”

(matching with misty)

Sandy-Dunes

Weekly 3
Part 1

299 words!

Exposition: The day after the pizza party, everyone disappeared! Hayden attempts to look for all of them in vain, but then he meets a weird redhead who claims he can travel through universes. Ri tells Hayden that he knows something about the incident, and he suspects that they were all pulled to some random universe.

Rising Action: Hayden and Ri skulk around the people’s houses more together and retrace their latest steps. They find Patton’s uniform and Ri questions Hayden about the “lack of a cohesive temporal model” in his life. However, Ri occasionally disappears, and Hayden suspects something!!! Then some weird things that shouldn’t be happening in real life happens.

Climax: Hayden confronts Ri, and the latter confesses that he believes that Hayden’s universe may be collapsing, as it had always been somewhat anomalous but was now simply not making sense. The two of them travels to the bordering universe (however that may work) and finds all of them involved in WW1??? Hayden charmingly talks his old friends back to his universe (as they have kinda forgotten him by that point).

Falling Action: Hayden and Ri, as well as their respective friends of the universes, attempt to find their way back to Hayden’s universe! Ri tells Hayden that it might not necessarily work, but fortunately the myth and legend Mx. Jikdus shows up and opens a portal to a basically identical universe to Hayden’s that was not as unstable.

Resolution: All of the folks who accidentally got drop-kicked into the WWI universe regain their memories and basically forget all about the whole thing. Hayden, however, remembers! And he gets some souvenirs from WW1 era Patton and he is very happy about that. Ri says goodbye to Hayden and tells him that he might see him again one day.

Part 2

226 words!

Red Herring #1: Ri Breguet. Ri is a herring as red as his hair, and despite his initial helpfulness to Hayden’s case, the pilot quickly begins to grow suspicious of his motivations and his abilities. However, Ri simply wants to help, and his devil-may-care attitude masks his genuine desire to help out this random kid.

Clue #1: The state of the missing persons’ housing shortly after their disappearance. Hayden and Ri reach a conclusion that most of them never ended up returning to their houses (if they ever had any in this vicinity), and have simply vanished into thin air. A couple of them, however, did seem to leave relevant clues in their wake…

Red Herring #2: Patton’s uniform. Hayden massively misinterprets this to mean that his role model is DEAD. A lack of a uniform doesn’t necessarily denote death, but it certain does suggest that whoever was wearing it earlier no longer needs to keep doing so. Perhaps because they would need to wear a certain other uniform.

Clue #2: The “lack of a cohesive temporal model” and all of its applications. Hayden Hartski, for his part, is used to people who should be dead not being dead. But Ri Breguet has seen enough of other universes to know that Hayden’s is rather abnormal, and certainly artificial, and he’ll find eventually what the cause is.

Part 3

271 words! done with ceeslay but i'm too lazy to copy their portion of it here and color-code it oopsies :p

Sandy thought for a moment, trying to collect her thoughts and remember what had happened. “So!! I was going about my business happily when a weird person with a breadstick bonked this other person on the head with it, and then ran off with some mangoes!!”

“I think he was, like, a turtle? But he was possessing a dude in a suit with a top hat who looked super British.”

“It had a bunch of stuff on it,” Sandy said. Then she realized that was something of a ridiculously vague statement. “Sort of like the Italian herb and cheese bread at Subway!”

“Actually, I saw this cowboy who had a cowboy hat on and was saying yeehaw and hey pardner the whole time?? She didn't do anything helpful though.”

“Erm, I don't know actually.” Sandy paused for a full minute and replayed the situation in her mind. “I thiiiink it might have been five? The thief just carried them all in one basket. It was a very pretty basket!!!!”

“I don't know, actually, I'm not a basket expert,” Sandy said pensively. She did wish that she was a basket expert, because baskets were cool. “It was a normal-looking basket though.”

“I don't think I saw anyone!” Sandy explained. “But you never know if he had some secret person helping him….”

“I already told you!!” she insisted. “A thief with a basket hits someone on the head with a breadstick and steals their mangoes, that's basically it.”

Sandy surveyed CJ carefully for the first time and gasped. “IT WAS YOU!!!!! Do you not remember any of it?”

“You have twins??” Sandy gasped.

Part 4

645 words yum

Hayden Hartski thought that after the theft and subsequent return of his Patton merch, he wouldn’t have to solve more mysteries. Right? WRONG.

Hayden yawned as he woke up from his sleep. It was a lovely day, and the sun was shining brightly through his window. All seemed well and right with the world.

But then when he woke up and called his cousin Rowen, he didn't get a call back

That was probably because they were busy, he decided, and tried to call someone else instead: his good old friend Dr. Mason! But Mason didn't pick up either. Neither did Robert Speartons, or Tiffany Myers. All of those people simply ignored his calls, for some reasons.

So he messaged all of them. “That was a great party!!” he typed to basically everyone, although of course with some variations so he didn't look like he was spamming them if any of them asked. Phew, that was good!

But when midday arrived with no replies, no nothing, Hayden began to be worried. Was he the victim of yet another elaborate plot designed to annoy him? Although last year's plot wasn't particularly annoying if he thought so. It was okay. It was fun, actually, in the end. But this time around everyone was just ghosting him??? So weird.

So he finally decided to go on and drive to their houses. They can't ignore him forever, right?

First of all, because Rowen literally lived with Hayden while they were visiting from Brazil, Hayden first peeked into their room. It seemed to look normal. The bed had obviously been slept in, and if it was this obvious then it had not been made. Hayden furrowed his brows. Did Rowen just leave him and go hiking without a phone or something?

Hayden shrugged. There wasn't really much that seemed off about Rowen's room, so he decided to go outside instead.

However, there was some random redheaded dude standing right on the doorstep of his house!!

“Ay who are you??” Hayden asked in surprise, almost jumping back into his house. But then he decided that wouldn't be the polite thing to do. Although standing randomly in front of someone's doorstep without even knocking or anything was the true definition of impolite, maybe even creepy.

“I'm Ri Breguet,” the dude introduced himself. He had on a suit, a monocle, and a purple bowtie. What an odd combination, if Hayden thought so. But then he was wearing a hoodie over a bathrobe, so he couldn't exactly judge the man.

“Okay? And what the heck were you doing on my doorstep?” Hayden continued to question.

“That's a good question,” Ri began. “Luckily, I happen to know the answer. Are you perhaps in need of help? Did your friends vanish into thin air without a trace?”

“Something like that,” he conceded. “Wait, how do you know all of that?”

“I'm Ri Breguet,” Ri said simply, as if that was enough to explain it. Hayden did not think it was.

“Alright,” he sighed. But if this Ri dude could help him, then he would use all the help that he could get. After all, he did want his friends back, even if this weird dude who knew too much about Hayden's life had to help him.

“So you'll let me help you,” Ri said, sounding quite pleased.

“Yeah, sure,” Hayden said. Despite how zany Ri seemed, he also did seem pretty competent, and Hayden hoped that he would be actually able to help him.

“Perfect! So, may I come in?”

Hayden let him in, telling him to take off his shoes first (which Ri did graciously) and then gesturing for him to head in.

“So that's Rowen's room when they're here. I just checked; nothing's really off? But he definitely haven't made the bed.”

“You're getting better at this detective thing than last year,” Ri commented.

“i have been made to protect you. only in death will i be kept from this oath”

(matching with misty)

Sandy-Dunes

Court's Hallowed Reign
Fanfic Comp Entry, SWC March 2024
1932 words

The Royal Court shifts like gray shadows. Its members are pacing around the dim throne room: seldom stopping, always talking, never letting go of their heightened anxieties. The Court’s powers have been vanishing for a long time—though truth to be told, the Crimson Wanderer is not quite certain of how exactly that is. Without the Clocksmith’s abilities, time seems to be at a standstill.

Every day there is buzzing chatter about the state of things. Theories about how these liminal realities are fraying at the edge of their seams, how the Void is swallowing every particle of every level whole. There is no denying the ominous presence poised to strike. The Crimson Wanderer is tired of it all.

“I can’t get around Levels as easily now,” a voice beside him suddenly says.

He turns, startled, but it is just the Keymaster. The keeper of the keys to the Court’s Kingdom of the Backrooms. His gaze turns up from those keys, which once led to every imaginable Level of the Backrooms, and meets the Crimson Wanderer’s. Then it flits away. “The Level Keys are malfunctioning too. I can’t-”

He stops abruptly as he starts to fidget with his keys.

The Crimson Wanderer nods. “I know. I hear the other wanderers call for help…”

Yet he never answers them. The Backrooms have shifted beyond his ability of navigation; he cannot seek out the desperate voices begging for life, and that haunts him to his core. What is his purpose of being a great warrior if he is unable to save those he is sworn to protect?

The Keymaster gazes over at him, teal eyes softening with sympathy.

“We will be fine, Claudius,” he says, resting his hand on the knight’s armored shoulder. It is a familiar gesture, after eternities of fighting together through the Levels. The Keymaster had no real name himself, but the Crimson Wanderer is content with his title—it is the only name he knows him by, after all.

Yet despite the reassuring words, the Crimson Wanderer can hear the doubt piercing through the Keymaster’s voice. He has to say the right thing to his dear friend if he has any hope of stopping the desperate measures to come. “I don’t know if that’s true. But don’t feel like you must solve everything by yourself.”

His words seem to be deflected back at him—he feels the barrier that the Keymaster places between them. Thick and unwavering, it submerges him in a pool of despair out of the Crimson Wanderer’s reach.

The Keymaster is planning something ambitious. And it could destroy this already weakened dimension.

He wishes the Keymaster to confide in him—but it is a futile hope. It has not yet happened in this loop.

-

The other Court members occasionally exit and reenter the Hallowed Gate: past its marble frame, it houses the throne room, armory, and all the grand halls the Court could ever need. But the Crimson Wanderer sees that it becomes increasingly difficult to travel between the Gate and all that is outside it. Just as time becomes more ambiguous, entities and wanderers take on more hostility than known before, dark matter becomes ever more consuming.

And the Keymaster returns one instance with defeat in his eyes.

“Almost fell into the Void,” he says, and everyone else gawks at him, because his noclipping skills are borderline legendary—if the fabric of space does not allow him to navigate the Void, how could anyone else do so?

But upon receiving the news, the Crimson Wanderer only sits in his dark silence.

And so everyone stews within the Gate, their inactivity in the grand scheme of things ever clear in their minds. Tension flares up—the King of Normality snaps at the Jester; half of the Court resolutely ignores the Storyteller. Everyone can tell that the situation gets more desperate by the unperceivable moment.

One day (no one can tell how days were passing by now, but the term still stands) the Crimson Wanderer is, true to his name, wandering the areas of the Hallowed Gate. And then he hears heavy footsteps in the direction of the armory.

Moving as quietly as his armored frame can allow, he moves towards that direction, and catches a glimpse of the Keymaster’s dark coattails flashing out of sight. The Crimson Wanderer opts to simply eavesdrop instead, not wanting to have to answer questions, because that has never worked when this came.

“Kei’,” the Keymaster begins, and the Crimson Wanderer knows who he is speaking to, far too well. Kei’. The Pillar of Access. The one who made the Keymaster and all other iterations of him across universes.

“A Keymaster who finally has the nerves and foresight to seek me out,” a voice rumbles with pride, evidently pleased. “I would’ve never thought.”

He doesn’t reply to the statement, but only says, “Our reality is falling apart. That will not be in your best interests.”

“If I must tell the truth, one reality disintegrating does not matter to me,” Kei’ says, voice taking on a trace of boredom.

From his voice, the Crimson Wanderer knew that the Keymaster was scowling. “Playing hard to get?”

“I’m merely jesting.” A rather demonic laugh. “Though I do have to say, your arrogance-”

“I’ve heard enough about my arrogance.”

A stifled pause.

“Oh, really? Because I’m certain that’s why you’re here now, trying to convince me to give you more powers so you can ostensibly restore this reality. What do you want to do, Keymaster? Break Claudius’s Crimson Heart all over again?”

The Crimson Wanderer startles. All these times he’d been here, and Kei’ has never said those last two lines. In his shock, he slips, and the jingle of his armor reverberates across the empty space, absolutely unmuffled.

“And it looks like we have someone else here with us,” Kei’ says. “Wonder who it could be.”

The Keymaster skids to a full stop outside the armory.

“Claudius…”

It’s the same, it’s the same, it’s the same and nothing will ever change this.

So the Crimson Wanderer stays silent as the Keymaster plows on.

“I’m sorry, but it’s for the good of us all - this is not my decision!”

But he could take it no more: “It was always your decision! Have you learned nothing from last time, from Hubris? He should’ve shown you how dangerous infinite power is. And I don’t know what’s been going wrong, because every time I come back the same thing happens.”

“What?”

“You’re making the same mistake time after time. I thought after all that happened with the Crown you’d be more wary of power, but…”

He trails off. And the Keymaster, his rationalizations shattered, does not say a word in reply.

Then Kei’ emerges, pyramidal head bright and tentacles fluttering, sending the two into something that seemed like a blazing white void. The Pillar of Access watches them with something almost akin to amusement. But unlike before, there is something deeper, something closer to hope. “Tell him, Almighty Crimson Wanderer.”

“It’s…”—inside his mind the Crimson Wanderer grasps for the term he had learned from the Clocksmith—“a time loop.”

-

It is the first time, although the Crimson Wanderer does not quite know it yet. The shouts reverberate across the Hallowed Gate, but their anger turns to horror when the Gate collapses.

Everything is dark and tangled in these ruins. Yet before the moment of oblivion there is despair, despair for the trials unremembered. Despair for unwillingness to believe in the value of peace.

Do you truly not understand?

That is the Crimson Wanderer’s last thought as existence ebbs and fades around him.

-

Time after time the arguments regain traction; despite how much he tries to restore peace, the Crimson Wanderer never succeeds. Rationalizations, pleads, unwilling denunciations; both his and the Keymaster’s. He never resolves anything before everything collapses. And yet he has to return countless times to the shifting Court, to the Keymaster’s silent schemes.

The Keymaster is the avatar of Access, yes. Access to great power if he asks, even if there is no return from the destruction in its wake.

But the Crimson Wanderer is the avatar of War. War knows no morality, no honor, but he chooses to uphold these values anyway. For how much more wicked will the Backrooms be without them?

And so the Keymaster watches silently as his friend recounts the desperate time loop, his failure to hold together reality seven times because of the Keymaster’s actions. When he finishes the tale, no one says anything for a long moment. The white void seems to press down on whatever words they intend to say.

And then Kei’ finally speaks after a sidelong glance at the Keymaster. “Do you want to know my mistake?”

He doesn’t respond, only stares at the gleaming white floor in unconcealed shame.

“My mistake was that I realized I was the puppeteer far too late.”

With a lazy flick of Kei’s many tentacles, the Keymaster is sent reeling across the strange white void with a rather sickening crash.

“Not that he’ll die from just that, of course. Avatar of my creation and all.” The unspoken implication: disposable. “The time loop, yes. I have hoped that he will learn, time and time again. It seems far too late for it, don’t you think?”

But to both of their shock, the Keymaster simply stands up and staggers shakily towards them.

“I’m sorry,” he manages out when he reaches where the Crimson Wanderer is standing next to Kei’s floating form. “I thought that it might be enough to save all of us, but I can’t, and that’s why I asked Kei’ to help me, but I would’ve never wanted it to be like- like last time-”

He breaks off with a pleading look. And at that moment, both of the avatars are more aware of their mortality—however distant it may be—than they have ever before.

“It’s not your burden alone,” the Crimson Wanderer finally says and takes his limp hand. “It never was; it never will be.” Something seems to dissolve within him at that instant, like a knot being untangled. A feeling reflected in the Gate, as it regains stability. He can see that the Keymaster seems to be more at ease, too, his features shedding the anguish that had held on.

Kei’ gazes at the two of them as they talk, seeming satisfied. “Now that wasn’t so difficult, was it?”

With a flash, the sights of the Hallowed Gates come flashing back as the essence of Kei’ disappeared, leaving only the deity’s voice.

“Claudius, you truly impress me—for better or for worse.” It seems to be a rather inadequate apology for the time loop.

Slowly the Crimson Wanderer feels the familiar gripes of liminal reality, however anomalous it may be, rushing back; this is the world he is familiar with, this is the world he is destined to serve.

“Do your job well, Keymaster,” Kei’ adds, and the Keymaster dips his head in silent agreement. Then the echoes of the voices in the chamber fades, leaving only the gold-plated armory behind.

The Crimson Wanderer can’t quite bring himself to look at his partner, to speak, before he was swept up in an embrace. One can surely wonder how a haughty keeper could’ve ever grown so close to a quiet knight who had shown no one a glimpse of the sight underneath the armor.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

In the end, their trials simply become part of their nearly infinite memories; the Backrooms continue with their existence just as the two friends of the Court continue with theirs.

I'd like to thank Vi (@violent-measures), Poppy (@PoppyWriter), Silvi (@silverlynx-), Alia (@–tranquility), and Ceeslay (@cb2jkl) for critiquing <3

I'd also like to thank the SWCers for providing the following elements of the story:

Worldbuilding: the world’s magic is slowly dying (Ave)
Antagonist: The antagonist is the main character’s significant other (Ember) note: this applied to the original version of this fanfic
Lesson: Time loops should never be your first option when dealing with a problem (Peachi)
Dialogue: “I realized I was the puppeter far too late” (Clev)
Turning point: One of the people on the antagonist's side reveals they were never on the antagonist's side and join the MC (Skye)

author's note here (not part of word count)

Last edited by Sandy-Dunes (March 31, 2024 23:10:55)

“i have been made to protect you. only in death will i be kept from this oath”

(matching with misty)

Sandy-Dunes

MC Daily 3/24 - Hobbit Hole

448 words!

Sandy’s hobbit hole is in the base of a warm and sunlit hill—or sunlit for the first half of the day, anyway. For the most part it is not quite noticeable from the exterior, but for a person who has been there long enough (namely Sandy), its presence would be clear—the worn grass in front of the entrance, the slight portruding of the door.

Inside is a set of small but comfortably spacious rooms. One of them is a secluded area quite isolated from the rest of the structure—there are bookshelves filled with various books, primarily historical fiction and nonfiction but also a bunch of recommendations from Sandy’s friends, as well as all three volumes of the Lord of the Rings series (Sandy has owned them for more than a year without having read them, quite unfortunately). There were also beanbags and a couch, as well as fairy lights and a reading lamp. A cat tree sits in the corner, well-worn and littered (pardon the pun) with tufts of fur. (It should also be noted that there are no fleas anywhere in the hobbit hole; Sandy has had enough of fleas in real life.) Overall, the room is a comfortable retreat of sorts, a place where one can relax in calm.

Outside, the living room—wtih yet another couch, a glass table, and pictures put up all around the walls—leads to the kitchen. There are a variety of instant ramen noodles stacked in the drawers, and some of the basic spices, for Sandy had no idea how to cook anything complex. Fresh fruit were placed in a sizable bowl, and a still-hot kettle of water sat next to a mug empty except for the tea bag inside. Fortunately, there was an open window in the kitchen, which Sandy would quite appreciate when she ended up burning something and had to clear out the smoke (which had happened essentially in every of the few occasions in which she cooked).

Her room also had a window that faced the opposite side of the hill, and she was able to see the sunset from her desk next to her bed. Some more personal pictures and posters were put up around the wall, and a heater sat next to her bed as well, although she didn’t often need it. Her cats’ beds were in her room as well, although most of the time they ended up in her bed as well. Thankfully, because they didn’t have fleas and they didn’t track litter all over the hobbit hole, it was a relatively hygienic occurrence. There was a small closet as well, as Sandy didn’t really alternate between many outfits, which suited her just fine.

“i have been made to protect you. only in death will i be kept from this oath”

(matching with misty)

Sandy-Dunes

Critique for Poppy <3

Hi Poppy! I really enjoyed reading your piece and it's super well-written! I'll just give some general comments and then move on to line-by-line stuff.
So the main thing that I wanted to point out is also a stylistic choice, so it's not something you need to necessarily focus on, but I think fewer line breaks would help the flow a bit :0 some of your more impactful lines are diluted a little bit by the shorter paragraphs are, and at some places the storytelling feels a bit disjointed (not sure if that's exactly the word): for example, this portion:

I nod, only to please her, and turn to the window.
Behind me, in the distance, the wolves howl.
Some of the people on the other side of the thorns and woods call me diseased.
They call me mad.
They call me skittish, like a rat in a trap.
A child that never learned bravery.

I personally think it would work better if you condensed it into fewer paragraphs, and varied the sentence structure a little? It'll also help transition between focuses of the writing (the MC's movement, the howling, the reminiscence) instead of isolating them.
But!! As I said, this is definitely a stylistic thing, and I think the spacing makes the writing read really poetically, like in the last three lines of the snippet <3 it's a pretty big part of the piece (and I feel like it's your distinctive writing style!), and in the end it's up to you!

Aside from that, I don't see anywhere else in the piece overall that really needs improvement :> the character development and dynamics are amazing, the concept is really well-executed, and I love the implementation of the song/nursery rhyme. The pacing is perfect, and I love the theme of making peace - it's something that took me a reread to really understand, but the symbolism and description really added to it! As for wording, it's very well done and not repetitive at all - of course weeping's used often, but then there's not a lot of suitable synonyms and you've already used them xD

Some line-by-line pointers:

Mama, mama
The wolves are out tonight

This is such a cool intro

Some of the people on the other side of the thorns and woods call me diseased.

Ooh nice foreshadowing :0 because technically the MC is “diseased” in a sense

“We control them,” I whisper to myself. I am truly making an attempt to stay calm, but I know it’s not true.
Wolves serve the moon. They cry to it, they pray to it, they wake when it does.

Ayy more foreshadowing, especially for the sun/moon contrast!

the silver spout.

Am I right in seeing something here ;D

Wolves love moon, the moon loves silver.

Shouldn't it be “the moon” instead of just moon? You put “the trees” for the first line so I'm assuming that it's not a rhythm thing :0

I tear through a wall of thorns, feeling the little prickles scratch me.

I thought the thorns were only by MC's house? I don't think you mentioned that they were by the well too ahaha

Papa, do the wolves cry tears like mine?
Cold, slick, and sweet, like Mama’s finest wine?

Love that you bring up Papa after mentioning him for the first time earlier!

They weep that I am.

I didn't get this line for a good bit ahaha - does this mean that the wolves weep because the MC exists? I think I would say “They weep, for I am,” instead, but that doesn't transition as well from the previous line and it's still not clear this way either xD it's a great line, but just to let you know that it can be a bit confusing aha <3

As for titles: The Wolves Are Out Tonight (would the “are” be capitalized?) is my favorite if you find that helpful :0 but they're all amazing!
Soooo I think that's about it. Again, I really enjoyed reading, and aside from some personal preferences with the flow I think there's not much to point out in terms of improvement :> Thanks for letting me critique, I really hope this helps!

Last edited by Sandy-Dunes (March 25, 2024 03:09:35)

“i have been made to protect you. only in death will i be kept from this oath”

(matching with misty)

A-Sad-Invention

run away. how do you live with the fact that you'll never be happy in life? I'm scared and tired and i miss you. the wind is cold and offers no comfort. i search for signs in your face and the night sky and find nothing. i would've stayed forever and ever but you didn't. i don't want to be here, i wish i could go somewhere else. anywhere else. somewhere i don't have to go back home. i want to go away but there's something that makes me stay. you're the only one who could make me stay, so won't you run away with me? there's nothing there. i thought i saw you but the shadows are empty. i search for your face and find nothing. the skies are endless and free, i want to run to somewhere far away from here. somewhere i don't have to be who I am, somewhere where i can be someone else for just a moment. i wish you would ask me to stay. i hope you don't ask me to stay because i'd never say no. the water is thick and there's no air and I'm always drowning, you're the one who could save me but you wouldn't, why won't you do something, I'm dying right in front of you. the skies are empty and god says nothing back. the angels left me a long time ago and i don't think they'll ever come back. my head is empty and my thoughts are far away and I'm drifting to somewhere no one else can go, somewhere no one else can. i want to talk to you but i want to stay away from you. you’re so far away. i don't know what I'm saying and it's scaring me because I've always known exactly what i

this place seems familiar. you've been here before, but do you remember how to leave?

why did you choose this path? are you lost? it's cold, it's dark. no one will find you here. you are far from safety. look at the nearest house. how long would it take for you to get there? hours? days? are you dreaming? do you remember the nightmares? the fun is over!

you are not alone. they are coming for you. no one will save you. is this real? don't you want to go back? do not listen to the other voices. there is no one here. stay for a while. do not open the door. it is not time to go yet. why don't you ever visit us? we miss you. why are you here? under no circumstances are you allowed to leave. you were meant to be here. welcome back. just imagine a place where you're happy.

i know what you did. it's all your fault. do not think do not think do not think.

it went so terribly wrong. did it all happen in another world? where will you spend eternity? are the memories real? the present moment was never here. there is no need to think about what lies beyond. it's too late to go home. something about this feels wrong. time is running out. are you still waiting? this place is a memory. where did it go?

your journey has come to an end. click here to redeem yourself. maybe next time!

nightmares last forever and once more if you live through it

when did you fall out of love with me?

saving people doesn't make you a hero, so why do i try? why do i bother to save them if it makes me nothing? i've been searching forever, i've lost count of the years. when will i ever become something more than who i am? they said that anyone could be a hero. if i can't save them, is there anything there? what is my worth? they call me a hero in the newspapers but i don't know who i'd be.

they still haunt my nightmares when i sleep. the people praise my name but no one knows what i really am.

what happens when the dead comes back? in the end, i can't really save anyone and every one of them will be my failure. i wish i could let it go but i'll never be free. sometimes i wonder if i should save them because does it really make a difference anyway? i've never made a real change in the world because i let them die. i couldn't save them

mis·take
/məˈstāk/
noun
an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong.
“coming here was a mistake”

dear reader
burn all the files, desert all your past lives
and if you don't recognize yourself
that means you did it right

A-Sad-Invention

when did you fall out of love with me? was it the day you told me you hated me, or was it before? was it before you ever stopped smiling at me when you passed by? was it when i made a mistake? i could've swore you said it was fine. but then again you said it was fine over and over again until it lost all meaning. i tried to talk to you but you retreated to that place in your head that only you can reach. I've tried to break in over and over again but you wouldn't let me in. i just wanted us to be perfect and you wouldn't let me. you were always so far away, like something distant and untouchable. i thought we were gonna make it through, thought we were going to stay through it all forever. but I've thought that many times before and it was never true. i thought you'd be the one, just like i'd thought many times before.
sometime, you left. i don't know when or where or why but there was an empty feeling in my chest when i realized. next thing i knew, you were acting like a stranger i knew nothing about. it's like you forgot everything that happened between us. who is she and when did you fall for her? like you fell for me, or will you actually stay with her? there are so many things i want to ask but you're so far away and i can't reach you, i want you to come back and stay here, don't leave me all by myself, alone because I'm afraid of what might happen when i don't have anyone to call mine anymore.

buddy come up w something or ill do comp entry meself

Last edited by A-Sad-Invention (March 25, 2024 14:55:51)

mis·take
/məˈstāk/
noun
an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong.
“coming here was a mistake”

dear reader
burn all the files, desert all your past lives
and if you don't recognize yourself
that means you did it right

Sandy-Dunes

Critique for Silvi <3

Hi Silvi, I'll get right into line-by-line comments

just a note that most of these have to do with clarity and flow ^^

the insistent rain

Love this personification!

Fire raged through the house, licking the trees, blindingly bright.

The “blindingly bright” is a bit confusing - are you describing the fire, the house, or the trees? I'm assuming it's the trees ahaha so maybe you can put the phrase in front of the fire?

This place was so important to me, it held many treasured memories, so much endless love, all I had left of my grandfather.

Gallons of rushing water, bursting out of mammoth canons were poured onto the burnt shell, reflecting the light, glimmering and shining as if honouring the place where my grandfather took his final breath, a breath full of hope, a breath full of life, a breath full of love.

I feel like these two sentences are somewhat run-on sentences: maybe you can separate them into different sentences, or use a semicolon in between? For the second one, though, I love the part “a breath full of hope, a breath full of life, a breath full of love” - it's great repetition, and you should keep it even if you do end up shortening those two snippets <3

I clenched my fists by my side. I bit my wobbling lip and blinked back the hot tears.

I think the flow would be a bit better if you combined these two sentences!

The harsh wind carried glorious moments with him, just a second away.

This sentence is a bit ambiguous - do you mean that the wind is a second away or the moments? But that aside, this is absolutely amazing description

the burnt shell

Not sure what this means :0 maybe you can say “the burnt shell of ____” (a house or something?) to clear it up!

I touched my heart.

Something like “I put my hands over my heart” would probably work better, because you technically can't touch your heart xD

Heat warmed my frozen hands, reaching the tips of my toes like a golden sun ray. I glanced up at the sky. It was a dazzling blue, fluffy clouds floating gracefully inside it and the sun… it shone like my love for Grandfather.
“You make me explode with happiness, Grandfather.”

Personally, I think separating the part starting from “and the sun” and putting it in a new paragraph would really increase the impact of the line! That aside, though, this is an amazing ending <3

Sooo I think that's about it! If it's okay for me to add some general comments, I think that you did an amazing job with emotion and description - both of them tied in very well to each other! I especially love how original and immersive your descriptions were. The main suggestion I would give is to read through the piece some more and play around with different phrasings and flow :> in the end, everything is up to you! Overall, great job, and I hope my critique helped!

Last edited by Sandy-Dunes (March 25, 2024 21:13:10)

“i have been made to protect you. only in death will i be kept from this oath”

(matching with misty)

Sandy-Dunes

buddy come up w something or ill do comp entry meself

omg wanna write about ri….

“i have been made to protect you. only in death will i be kept from this oath”

(matching with misty)

Sandy-Dunes

PoppyWriter wrote:
⇾ Critique for Sandy ⚘

Hey Sandy! I'm just going to go ahead and jump right into line-by-line notes ^^

{seldom stopping, always talking, never letting go of their heightened anxieties. }

First things first, this is incredible. I love the rhythm of this sentence and how well the tension is displayed in it. Absolutely amazing right off the bat ^^

{The Crimson Wanderer is tired of it all, truth be told}

You used the phrase ‘truth be told’ earlier on in the piece (the paragraph before, I believe), so if the repetition bothers you, you can change that, but I know that the whole repetition thing bothers some and not others <3

{He breaks off as he fidgets with his keys.}

I might add change it to “his voice breaks off as he fidgets”, because when it says ‘breaks off’, my first thought is him breaking off from the Crimson Wanderer, perhaps to join another conversation. Just for clarification's sake ^^

{He has to say the right thing to his dear friend, if he were to have any hope of stopping what will come.}

I love this- it develops the character well and adds hints of intrigue ^^

{It has never happened yet in this loop.}

Ooh, intriguing :00 This is less of a suggestion more than just a question, but I think this is such a cool, intriguing sentence, that it may be fun to play with wording to see if something flows differently rhythmically, such as ‘it has not yet happened in this loop’ or something else. I know that's so small and nitpicky, but nitpicking is the best I can give when the piece is so amazing already <3

{And so everyone stews within the Gate, their inactivity in the grand scheme of things ever clear in their minds.}

I love this :0

{“Truth to be told, one reality disintegrating does not really matter to me,” Kei’ says, voice taking on a trace of boredom.}

Again with the ‘truth be told’ ;D We all have things like that- don't worry ^^

{“I’ve heard enough about my arrogance.”}

This is amazing- such great character building, wonderfully written, and it says a lot in few words. It's amazing <3

{That is the Crimson Wanderer’s last thought as existence ebbs and fades around him.}

'Ebbs and fades around him'. Excellent word choice and imagery <3

{“Do you want to know my mistake? My mistake was that I realized I was the puppeteer far too late.”}

This is a personal opinion, but it may be cool to add a pause between these two sentences, since it adds a level of emphasis and tension that can enhance the piece even further ^^

{“You truly impress me, Claudius, for better or for worse.”}

Like I said earlier, it may be interesting to play with this line rhythmically, such as “Claudius…you truly impress me, for better or worse.”

{the Backrooms continue with their existence just as the two friends of the Court continue with theirs.}

Absolutely amazing way to end this!

As a whole, it's a really great piece, with a lot of intrigue and tension. My only suggestion would be to play with the wording and rhythm of certain lines - great job, Sandy!! <3

⇾ 359 words ⚘

“i have been made to protect you. only in death will i be kept from this oath”

(matching with misty)

Sandy-Dunes

MC Daily 3/25 - Holi

521 words! i barely included color symbolism oopsies

He sits across from his mentor in the white space that they are so used to.

The silence is peaceful.

Mx. Jidkus watches him, with his red hair wind-blown and his monocle slightly askew. “So, what’s new?” they ask, voice tinged with mild curiosity.

Ri Breguet glances up, startled out of his memories. “It’s… a lot.”

He pauses, not sure how to continue. He has always trusted Jikdus, throughout all of his time as their protege, but there is simply no simple way to explain everything that has happened.

Theo. March. He has failed both of them.

“You don’t say,” they say lightly, and at first Ri is startled by their casualness at his statement. But then he realizes that he has not spoken out loud. So he simply nods, relieved that they know nothing yet of what has happened.

“Well, I’ll leave you to it,” Jikdus says and stands up, walking over towards him. “You’ll be fine.”

The shapeshifter was in their default form, with nothing to betray their emotions but glowing white eyes, yet Ri can feel their comforting familiarity nonetheless. Patting him lightly on the head, they disappear.

Ri closes his eyes. And voices ring out:

“Out of the foxholes!”

That is Bastogne. Yes, a universe that Theo and March inhabited. They are always in one or the other, anyway, at a certain point in space and time. But it is not the one he is looking for. Neither is the far-flung fields of dappled green, nor the cold alleyways of the city of skyscrapers.

They are somewhere, somewhere-

Here.

In a heartbeat he is alert and ready, with a glowing picture of his destination before his mind’s eye. He has failed, he has failed-

But he will know soon enough.

So he braces himself and steps through to the awaiting judgement.

At first it is only black and white.

That is what he thinks when he sees March.

At first he never knew their name, never understood why they are present everywhere he goes. They looked quite distinct, truly; a flower of some sort always threaded between their locks of light blonde hair. Fuscia, rosemary, thistle, trefoil. Between the fogs of war or the silence of the dark, there was always a flower.

But one day he found himself sitting right next to them in front of a campfire in North Starrgo. He doesn’t quite know how it happened.

“Hello?”

They flinch. “Who are you?”

“My name is Ri,” he had introduced himself austerely, offering an ungloved hand.

March had gazed at him with the utmost suspicion, wariness clear in their expression. Their hair seemed almost white in the moonlight, their eyes pools of black.

“Do I know you?”

Ri cleared his throat, more than slightly embarrassed. Ahh, right, not everyone knew him. But he was somebody everywhere; he belonged. Yet this stranger before him evidently didn’t. Were they also a hopper? Or were they simply a soul destined to exist in all of the dark corners of the universes?

“No,” he responded coolly after a moment, withdrawing his hand.

March kept on gazing at him warily.

Last edited by Sandy-Dunes (March 25, 2024 22:15:15)

“i have been made to protect you. only in death will i be kept from this oath”

(matching with misty)

A-Sad-Invention

Sandy-Dunes wrote:
buddy come up w something or ill do comp entry meself
omg wanna write about ri….

no

mis·take
/məˈstāk/
noun
an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong.
“coming here was a mistake”

dear reader
burn all the files, desert all your past lives
and if you don't recognize yourself
that means you did it right

A-Sad-Invention

wwhat if i just do it myself if ur so bad

mis·take
/məˈstāk/
noun
an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong.
“coming here was a mistake”

dear reader
burn all the files, desert all your past lives
and if you don't recognize yourself
that means you did it right

Sandy-Dunes

MC Daily 3/26 - Role Swap

339 words
historical rpf! basically my wwi ocs swap roles with the top commanders of their nations ;D and also two of my ocs swap roles too lol

“JIXDUS!!” Ri called out loudly to his protege as he hurried along.

“Wait up, Mr. Breguet,” Jikdus huffed as they trekked through the woods. But it appeared that Ri would hear none of it, for he simply walked on faster ahead. Sometimes they wished they’d never met the strange shapeshifter from the planet of Kayows, but oh well; they were stuck with him, for better or for worse.

As the two of them walked on a farmhouse came into view. So this must be the place where Mr. Breguet visited his friends, Jikdus thought. They would’ve thought that it would be a bad idea to interfere so often in these universes, as fragile as they seemed to be, but the eccentric redhead would simply not listen. Oh well.

“Marshal Moselle!” Ri shouted almost at the top of his lungs, and a bunch of the staff officers nearby gawked at him. Well, those who weren’t used to seeing him, anyway.

“General Breguet,” Moselle sighed, facepalming. “We were in the middle of something important.”

“What’s that now?” he asked innocuously.

“See, Holtzswarth and Lutz have attacked, in case you haven’t heard,” Moselle explained.

“Oh, right. Them.”

“None other than Field Marshals Holtzswarth and Lutz, of course. So, General Fredericks was just about to offer me his troops to use in the battle. So kind of him. Captain Foch?”

Moselle turned to his aide, who handed him a letter.

“This came from Lieutenant Haig, Marshal,” Ferdinand said shortly. “Apparently some staff officer of Holtzswarth—I think a von Hindenburg?—put out some classified information. We’re not quite sure whether it’s accurate. John- I mean, Colonel Pershing did-”

A whole entire squabble rose out among the officers. And Jikdus, for their part, was feeling quite lost here.

“Mr. Breguet, what exactly are we doing here?” they asked. The thing is that the Kayowsian had showed them all of the basics of time-travelling, universe-hopping, so on and so forth, but he’d never-

“Okay, this is boring now,” Ri said annoyedly. “Where the heck is Albrecht?”

Last edited by Sandy-Dunes (March 26, 2024 00:29:07)

“i have been made to protect you. only in death will i be kept from this oath”

(matching with misty)

violent-measures

for sandy~

Thanks so much for letting me critique your piece! it had a really cool mysterious atmosphere and I especially liked the ending and the part where Crimson Wanderer is eavesdropping.

admittedly, I was confused at times, but I think the main thing that confused me on my first readthrough was that “the Keymaster” was a unique title and character, as I was first under the impression that there were just…a bunch of them lol. I don’t think that was due to anything you said though, just my own faulty assumption haha. anyhow, let’s get down to some line-by-line edits!

sandy wrote:
The Royal Court shifts like gray shadows. Its members are pacing around the dim throne room, seldom stopping, always talking, never letting go of their heightened anxieties.

The Court’s powers have been vanishing for a long time—though truth to be told, the Crimson Wanderer’s not quite certain of how exactly that is. Without the Clocksmith’s abilities, time seems to be at a standstill.

This is some really cool stuff with time…not sure what the context is exactly, but I don’t think I need to so early on, either.

sandy wrote:
And every day there is buzzing chatter about the state of things. Theories about how these liminal realities are fraying at the edge of their seams, how the Void is swallowing every particle of every level whole. There is no denying the ominous presence poised to strike. The Crimson Wanderer is tired of it all.

“I can’t get around Levels as easily now,” a voice besides him suddenly says.

He turns, startled, but it is just the Keymaster, gazing worriedly at his interconnected rings of keys. His gaze turns up and flits away. “The Level Keys are malfunctioning too. I- I can’t-”

He stops abruptly as he fidgets with his keys.

“I know. I hear the other wanderers call for help…”

I’d specify that the Crimson Wanderer is the one talking here (at least I think he is, from the following line, but it just took a few times of reading and rereading to figure that out).

sandy wrote:
And the Crimson Wanderer never answers them. The Backrooms have shifted beyond his ability’s comprehension; he cannot seek out the desperate voices begging for life, and that haunts him to his core. What is his purpose of being a great warrior if he is unable save those he is sworn to protect?

Perhaps specify that he cannot navigate them, not that he merely cannot comprehend them? Otherwise it feels a bit unclear to me why he can’t seek the voices out.

sandy wrote:
The Keymaster gazes over at him, teal eyes softening with sympathy.

“It’ll be fine, Claudius,” he says, slinging his arm around the knight’s bulky shoulders. It is a familiar action, after eternities of fighting together through the Levels.

Yet the Crimson Wanderer can hear the doubt piercing through the Keymaster’s voice. He has to say the right thing to his dear friend, if he were to have any hope of stopping what will come. “I don’t know if that’s true, but there’s no need for anything else on your part. You have enough burdens already.”

He sees, rather than feels, the barrier that the Keymaster places between them: thick and unwavering, it keeps him submerged in a pool of despair out of the Crimson Wanderer’s reach.

Wait…is there an actual barrier between them now, not purely an emotional one? (I think the fact that the Crimson Wanderer “sees” it is what makes that unclear to me.) Perhaps this drifts too far into grammar edits, in which case feel free to ignore it, but there are a few places where you have some unclear antecedents—“it keeps him” is what I’m thinking about here.

sandy wrote:
The Keymaster is planning something ambitious. Something that could destroy this already weakened dimension.

Feels like quite a specific thing to intuit…perhaps you could include some more thoughts to back up this one?

sandy wrote:
He wishes the Keymaster to confide in him—but it is a futile hope. It has not yet happened in this loop.

-

The other Court members occasionally exit and reenter the Hallowed Gate. But the Crimson Wanderer sees that it becomes increasingly difficult to do so, just as time becomes more ambiguous, entities and wanderers take on more hostility than known before, dark matter becomes ever more consuming.

And the Keymaster returns one instance with defeat in his eyes.

“Almost fell into the Void,” he says, and everyone else gawks at him, because his noclipping skills are borderline legendary—if the fabric of space does not allow for him to navigate the Void, how could anyone else do so?

But upon receiving the news, the Crimson Wanderer only sits in his own dark silence.

And so everyone stews within the Gate, their inactivity in the grand scheme of things ever clear in their minds. Tension flares up—the King of Normality snaps at the Jester; half of the Court resolutely ignores the Storyteller. Everyone can tell that the situation gets more desperate by the unperceivable moment.

One day—no one can tell how days were passing by now, but the term still stands—the Crimson Wanderer is, true to his name, wandering the areas of the Hallowed Gate. And then he hears heavy footsteps in the direction of the armory, footsteps that were all too familiar.

Moving as quietly as his armored frame can allow, he makes his way over towards that direction, and catches a glimpse of the Keymaster’s dark coattails flashing out of sight. The Crimson Wanderer opts to simply eavesdrop instead, not wanting to have to answer questions, because that has never worked when this came.

“Kei’,” the Keymaster begins, and the Crimson Wanderer knows who he is speaking to, far too well.

“A Keymaster who finally has the nerves and foresight to seek me out,” a voice rumbles with pride, evidently pleased. “I would’ve never thought.”

He doesn’t reply to the statement, but only says, “Our reality is falling apart. That will not be in your best intentions.”

Perhaps you mean interests?

sandy wrote:
“If I must tell the truth, one reality disintegrating does not really matter to me,” Kei’ says, voice taking on a trace of boredom.

From his voice, the Crimson Wanderer knew that the Keymaster was scowling. “Playing hard to get?”

“I’m just jesting.” A rather demonic laugh. “Though I do have to say, your arrogance-”

“I’ve heard enough about my arrogance.”

Ooh, love this exchange!

sandy wrote:
A stifled pause.

And Kei’ continues, completely abandoning the previous thread of discussion. “Oh, really? Because I’m certain that’s why you’re here now, trying to convince me to give you more powers so you can ostensibly restore this reality. What do you want to do, Keymaster? Break Claudius’s Crimson Heart all over again?”

I feel like Kei’ hasn’t abandoned the line of discussion, though? Since he’s continuing to refer to the Keymaster’s arrogance (“…that’s why…”).

sandy wrote:
The Crimson Wanderer startles at the last part. All these times he’d been here, and Kei’ has never said those two lines. In his shock, he slips, and the jingle of his armor reverberated across the empty space, absolutely unmuffled.

“And it looks like we have someone else here with us,” Kei’ says. “Wonder who it could be.”

The Keymaster skids to a full stop outside the armory.

“Claudius…”

It’s the same, it’s the same, it’s the same and nothing will ever change this.

So the Crimson Wanderer stays silent as the Keymaster plows on.

“I’m sorry, but it’s for the best - this is not my decision!”

But he could take it no more: “It was always your decision! Have you learned nothing from last time, from Hubris? He should’ve shown you how dangerous infinite power is. And I don’t know what’s been going wrong, because every time I come back the same thing happens.”

“What?”

“You’re making the same mistake time after time. I thought after all that happened with the Crown you’d be more wary of power, but…”

He trails off. And the Keymaster does not say a word in reply.

Then Kei’ emerges, pyramidal head bright and tentacles fluttering, sending the two into something that seemed like a blazing white void and watches them with something almost akin to amusement. But unlike before, there is something deeper, something closer to hope. “Tell him, Almighty Crimson Wanderer.”

“It’s…” – inside his mind the Crimson Wanderer grasps for the term he had learned from the Clocksmith – “a time loop.”

How come the Keymaster doesn’t recognize the time loop but the Crimson Wanderer knows he has experienced this before?

sandy wrote:
It is the first time, although the Crimson Wanderer does not quite know it yet.

That’s so cool!!!!

sandy wrote:
The shouts reverberate across the entirety of the Hallowed Gate, but their anger turns to horror when the Gate collapses.

Everything is dark and tangled in these ruins. Yet before the moment of oblivion there is still a mind, a mind that aches with questions and thirsts for answers, a mind that is dazed from the betrayal of past.

What did I do?

That is the Crimson Wanderer’s last thought as existence ebbs and fades around him.

A little confused, but this is really cool nonetheless!

sandy wrote:
The Keymaster watches silently, fidgeting with his keys, as his friend recounts the desperate time loop, his failure to hold together reality seven times because of the Keymaster’s actions. When the Crimson Wanderer finishes, no one says anything for a long moment.

And then Kei’ finally speaks after a sidelong glance at the Keymaster. “Do you want to know my mistake?”

He doesn’t respond, only stares down at his feet in unconcealed shame.

“My mistake was that I realized I was the puppeteer far too late.”

With a lazy flick of Kei’s many tentacles, the Keymaster is sent reeling across the strange white void with a rather sickening crash.

Hmm, if the Crimson Wanderer lives here, would he really think of the void as “strange”?

sandy wrote:
“Not that he’ll die from just that, of course. I saw to that. Avatar of my creation and all. But here’s the more important issue of…”

But to both of their shock, the Keymaster simply stands up and stagger shakily towards them.

“I’m sorry,” he manages out when he reaches where the Crimson Wanderer was standing next to Kei’s floating form. “I thought that it might be enough to save all of us, but I can’t, and that’s why I asked Kei’ to help me, but I would’ve never wanted it to be like- like last time-”

He breaks off with a pleading look, and at that moment both of them are more aware of their mortality – however distant it may be – than they have ever before.

Who is “both of them”?

sandy wrote:
“It’s not your burden,” the Crimson Wanderer finally says and takes his limp hand. Something seems to dissolve within him at that instant, like a knot being untangled. And he can see that the Keymaster seems to be more at ease, too, his features shedding the anguish that had held on.

Perhaps “not your burden alone”? I feel his meaning feels a little vague without more specificity.

sandy wrote:
Kei’ gazes at the two of them as they talk, not seeming surprised. “Alright.”

With a flash, the sights of the Hallowed Gates come flashing back as the essence of Kei’ disappeared, leaving only the deity’s voice.

“Claudius, you truly impress me—for better or for worse.”

I’m pretty confused with Kei’s motivations and intentions here. What kind of tone does he say “alright” in? What is he saying this in response to? And what is Claudius doing to impress him? Standing beside the Keymaster?

sandy wrote:
Slowly the Crimson Wanderer feels the familiar gripes of liminal reality, however anomalous it may be, rushing back; this is the world he is familiar with, this is the world he is destined to serve.

Wait…were they in a different world?

sandy wrote:
“Do your job well, Keymaster,” Kei’ adds, and the Keymaster dips his head in silent agreement. Then the echoes of the voices in the chamber fades, leaving only the gold-plated armory behind.

The Crimson Wanderer can’t quite bring himself to look at his partner, to speak, before he was swept up in an embrace. One can surely wonder how a haughty keeper could’ve ever grown so close a quiet knight who had shown no one a glimpse of the sight underneath the armor.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.”

In the end it matters not who says which; the Backrooms continue with their existence just as the two friends of the Court continue with theirs.

Aww, I really like this ending! Very nice. I also like the character dynamics between the three, especially between the Crimson Wanderer and the Keymaster, but as I said, I was a bit confused as to Kei’s intent at the end. Why did he let them go? And did the time loop end?

Anyway, I really loved your piece overall, I think it flowed nicely, had some really lovely character interactions, and was an intriguing introduction into this world.

—498 words of critique

✰ vi | s.her | christian | co-leading fan-fi march ’24 ! ✰
❝ show me who i am and who i could be ❞

Sandy-Dunes

Critique for Vi & Crim <3
Hey guys

starting off with some general comments - first of all, I think the way that you wrote it really shifted the focus to be less on the world's mechanics and more on emotions and atmosphere, both of which were done amazingly! Although I was a bit confused on how the world worked (I'll go more into this a bit later) it basically didn't undermine the intent of the story :>

Sooo, I'll go into some line-by-line comments!

This was where it started,

Something of a nitpick here but I feel like this phrase seems a bit redundant given that it's the focus of the previous paragraph :0

Sunflower seeds cracking in the night.

Amazing imagery all around, and I love this one the most

a familiar stranger

Would this be the new partner, or some past figure? From my perspective I'm thinking the latter since the partner didn't get introduced until the following paragraph - maybe some brief details on the stranger would clear it up?

After Bellefleur, they usually remembered an umbrella.

Really small thing, but I'm not sure how this line works? I guess I'd personally appreciate a note on where exactly they remember the umbrella from haha

with no need for the radio because they knew each other’s silence.

Love this callback! And this is an amazing look into their relationship too <3

This was how it was supposed to end.
{…}
This is how it ended.

I'm not sure how well this contrast works, because with both statements they were planning on leaving - wouldn't it be really the same ending? I'm also not sure how the scene transitioned to that last line (it's bit of a strange response to that question ahaha)
The paragraph starting with “Seven years ago” is where there's a more obvious contrast, so maybe you can work with that instead for the theme of endings?

And about the worldbuilding I was confused with - was it something along the lines of time-traveling? Or was it all supposed to be metaphorical?

A spot where nine minutes had disappeared, marked with an X.

a whole lifetime held inside yet gone in the blink of an eye.

These parts sound like time-traveling to me (especially the former snippet), but I can also see how it could be metaphorical. The X seems like it has something to do with it, but I was wondering what exactly this part meant:

Evidence never amounted to much more than an X on the concrete.

So those were the places I was kinda confused on, and I thought it might be helpful to know! But I don't think there's not much you need to do: adding in too much explanations might disrupt the flow of the story (which is already really nice), and like I said earlier I feel like the clarify of the worldbuilding doesn't impact the story that much.

Aside from that, the theme was really cohesive throughout the entirety of the story, and it's fleshed out really well right alongside of the characters' relationship, which was really the highlight of the piece aside from atmosphere :> despite how brief the descriptions of their adventures are, those shared experiences really added so much to the depth of their relationship - and that ending was the cherry on top!
So, that's about it - I really loved reading the fanfic, and you guys did an amazing job! Good luck with the comp, and thanks for letting me critique <3

Last edited by Sandy-Dunes (March 26, 2024 18:27:17)

“i have been made to protect you. only in death will i be kept from this oath”

(matching with misty)

Sandy-Dunes

MC Daily 3/27 - Google Translate

576 words! see i got too lazy to translate the last battle too thorougly so i just did like 15 iterations and then picked out all of the non-history-related snippets :p

One day a very nice girl named Jenny Jungle was happily doodling in her notebook or whatever when she decided to head downstairs and work on her Valentine’s gifts. After all, it was in but a few days, and she wanted to get them done so that her friends would get their Valentine’s!!

So she walked normally down the stairs until she dropped her pen, and it slid down. Jenny ran forward to grab it, but running was a rather bad idea when one is on the stairs, for her knees buckled and she landed with her bottom on the stairs. Thankfully she gripped the railings just in time, because otherwise she would’ve ended up just like her poor pen rolling down the stairs.

Just then, her ringtone—the intro to Red by Taylor Swift—began to, well, ring.

“Hey, Lee!” she said brightly. It was Hayley Jack, her best friend!

“Jenny!” Lee said immediately without much of a greeting. “This is important. Do you want to go do something with me later this semester?”

“Sure!” she replied instantly, without much thought. “Something” was certainly vague, but Lee would figure it out later, right?

So when Valentine’s Day came, Jenny gave Lee a gigantic bag of Hot Cheetos, while Lee showed her tickets for…

“Sabaton?” Jenny echoed. The screaming power metal band? Hayley was a ginormous Sabaton fan, and although Jenny wasn’t the biggest fan of the genre, she thought their songs were pretty cool. She really liked Ballad of Bull, for one.

“Yeah, it’s on the 5th of May! Anniversary of Castle Itter. Isn’t that amazing?”

“That is pretty cool,” Jenny admitted. “I can’t make it though. The animal shelter’s reopening.”

The animal shelter nearby, where Jenny volunteered at, had been closed ever since the gigantic storm swept through town and severely damaged the building. She would be volunteering then, probably.

“But the concert’s at night?”

“I help with the night shift,” she explained. She wasn’t exactly sure why she did, because the night shift wasn’t exactly the most appealing option, but that’s what she chose when she first signed up. “But I can reschedule it!”

“You don’t have to,” Lee protested.

“They’re really flexible with that,” Jenny reassured.

And so their plans culminated in Lee giving Jenny a whole entire presentation on what exactly to do at a Sabaton concert—not that she’d ever been to one herself.

“You gotta make sure you know what to bring,” she instructed Jenny. “Name one thing, go!”

“Earplugs,” she replied automatically.

“Awesome.”

And finally the day arrived!! By this point, Jenny had listened to more of Sabaton, and she’d grown even more fond of their discography (as repetitive as it sometimes was). She especially loved The Last Battle—which was perfect, given the day, and the two of them sang the song loudly on the car as Mrs. Jungle drove them to the concert, muttering something about how it would be dangerous. (Thanks to Mr. Jungle’s logical reassurances, however, she reluctantly allowed the two girls to go.)

“GANGL AND LEE AND THEIR MEN SET THE PRISONERS FREE!!!!”

“It’s so cool that you’re Lee Jack and then there’s Jack Lee,” Jenny said thoughtfully. “And I’m named Jenny. Such a cool coincidence!”

“I know! It was as if someone was writing us based on the song!”

The two of them laughed as they got closer and closer to the venue.

And then, half an hour later:

“WE’RE SABATON, AND THIS IS GHOST DIVISIONNNNNN”

[Keep it up
Valentine's Day is just around the corner - May 5th
government at the end of 1945
Jenny stood in the doorway and the SS opened fire.
If you don't wait, the final battle will begin.

[The first song
The animal shelter has been closed since the destruction.
He met the N@zis who were waiting for help.
Jungle, Lee and his men free the prisoners.

[Author's contribution
This is the end of the last journey.
He left the enemy from before.
The US Army and the German Army.
Finally together

[CH
The last life and death struggle in the Third Reich
At some point, justice will prevail and the final battle will take place.
There were several weapons
Read each slide before doing this.

[Continued, ii
After falling, the phone rang
Defeating the N@zis was difficult.
Jungle, Lee and his men free the prisoners.

[Author's contribution
This is the end of the last journey.
He left the enemy from before.
The US Army and the German Army.
Finally together

[Guitar

[Bridge
From the Alps to the sea
From the Alps to the sea
From the home of heroes to the land of the free
From the Alps to the sea

[Screaming Song x2
This is the end of the last journey.
He left the enemy from before.
The US Army and the German Army.
Finally together

Last edited by Sandy-Dunes (March 27, 2024 03:26:27)

“i have been made to protect you. only in death will i be kept from this oath”

(matching with misty)

Sandy-Dunes

silverlynx- wrote:
Critique

Overall, I really like the piece! It is very descriptive and flows quite nicely!

I think that in general, you need to add some more clarity to the piece. Because it is fan-fiction, you don’t need to do as much explaining, but it would be good if the reader could understand who the ‘Keymaster’ is or the ‘Crimson Wanderer.’ I think that if you made the first section a bit clearer, then it would elevate the whole piece. Also, if you maybe put some of the lines into one paragraph, instead of one line all by itself, it might just make it a bit easier to read. I would suggest keeping a couple lines by themselves though for suspense! However, your description is wonderful and you really create a sense of unease!

If you describe the scene a bit more as well, it would help the reader to understand your piece a bit more, because I only have a vague idea of what the Void looks like or the gate but that’s all from my imagination. This does give your reader lots of freedom in setting the scene for themselves though!

On the italics for ‘it’s the same and nothing will ever change this’ I think that you should only have one word in italics, like ‘same’ or ‘ever’ because the italics don’t have as much affect when they're in big phrases like that. I also find the last section where Kei’ says about him being the puppeteer, so if you could add in a tiny bit of explanation into that it might just clarify it a bit more. I think a few metaphors or similes might come of use!

This is an amazing piece full of dazzling adjectives and adverbs and really blew me away! Thank you so much for letting me critique your incredible writing!

“i have been made to protect you. only in death will i be kept from this oath”

(matching with misty)

Sandy-Dunes

MC Daily 3/28 - Continuation of a Fairy Tale

593 words! fairy tales trails fanfic yum

It has been a long battle between the two sides, and a long spectacle for the neutrals watching from the sidelines. But after the final confrontation—the final encounter between the Queen, the thief, the merchant, and their respective followers—the land is at peace.

Few of the participants of the battle truly know what exactly happened in the exchange between Robin Hood, Gerda, and Belle. It must’ve been something quite drastic, they say, some deep and powerful revelations and speeches that paved the way to peace. Others argue that it must’ve been because the three sides were weary of the non-stop fighting, and the repeated changes of alliances that the participants of the conflict had undergone.

For their part, even after the end of the battle, the three leaders never divulge what truly happened, and the secondhand accounts are scarce and often contradicting.

No matter. Peace is worth not knowing its origin, and so those who walk the Fairy Tales Trails of good and evil and the in-between finally settle their differences with those on different sides. Queen Gerda, it is said, disappears into the mountains for what is rumored to be a mediative retreat—not before leaving a fond farewell note to her followers and to her former enemies. Robin Hood, for their part, continues to steal from the rich and from the poor. There is never equality until everyone is truly equal in their basic needs, their followers explain when questioned about their mentor. And as for Belle, she simply returns to the routes of trade through the land, continuing on her quest for riches and knowledge.

And some of their followers disperse into other realms, often becoming leaders of organizations themselves. These are drastically different realms from the Trails, realms with different nuances and colors and different organization. But these followers remain in their universe of the place where youngsters stay up until midnight during wars, where friendships are formed and continued with the utmost familiarity, despite the physical distance. But none of these followers, no matter where they go, ever quite forget the exciting world they have taken part in. The world of intruige and drama and fighting and heartaching backstory.

One day, the three figureheads meet once more. Gerda returns from the mountains, with the violence in her eyes replaced by peace. Robin Hood returns with a countenance of vindication. And Belle returns the two’s greetings when she shows up to the meeting last, obviously having just put down a fascinating book to rejoin them.

“I see that you are both well,” Robin Hood states pleasantly.

“It has been so long,” Gerda reminiscences. There has been the Folklore Trails after the removal of Fairy Tales from the spotlight, until the cabin returned to the limelight. As for the three, they are a part of a past era, lost to the horizons of the place where the current writers of the camp dwell.

But the three converse pleasantly with each other, laughing at each others’ jokes when they make them: Robin Hood seems to dominate them, but a sliver of humor occasionally cuts through Gerda’s stoic countenance.

And like she is the last to arrive, Belle is the first to leave, ready to set on yet another adventure. After all, learning never ends. “Goodbye, my friends.”

For friends they are: past their former differences and conflicts.

Robin Hood stands up as well. “There are always more capitalists to rob.”

And Gerda surveys them magnanimously. “May we meet again.”

The three of them proceed on their merry way to their continued life.

“i have been made to protect you. only in death will i be kept from this oath”

(matching with misty)

Discuss Scratch