Hello there! I’m very glad for the chance to read your piece, and I really enjoyed it! Here are some things I liked a lot overall:

The worldbuilding was interesting, and I thought all the different types of people with magic was really neat!
It felt very normal, very ordinary world at this point in the story. I think it’s really important to include your character’s everyday life in establishing a story. As well, we are given information on Aurora’s talents outside of her rather unique magic, which I think helped her character seem more 3d.

Here are some overall things I would add:
First, I think tying Aurora’s mathematics ability to her personality more would help. Is she very analytical? Does she love solving things? These can be implied by her ability, but making it more clear or universal would make her character pop even more, I think! For example, you should show her affinity for solving problems by having her be upset when she isn’t the one sent to stop the explosion.

In the case of grammar, everything seemed mostly fine. The biggest thing I noticed was quite a bit of jumping around in terms of tenses. In my edits I’ll change everything to past tense since that’s how it opened, but either works! Just be sure to be consistent

Here are a few line-by-line edits I had:

I sat at my desk and patiently waited, but I knew it would take a while. I knew it was sorted by alphabetical order by last name, and my last name was last – ‘Ventura’. If only it would be sorted by first name, then my first name of ‘Aurora’ would be the second name. If only.

I like that we’re learning her name in a more natural way than just her introducing herself! Some grammar/ personal preference changes I would have:

vi wrote:

I sat at my desk and waited, though I knew it would take a while. Mrs. Sanders sorted us in alphabetical order by last name, and Ventura wasn’t exactly high on that list. If only we could be sorted by first name—Aurora would shoot me to the top. If only.

I just felt like “it was” was a bit vague. Some of the edits I made changed the tone to a more casual one, though, so by no means do you have to use this.

Finally, after waiting for Mrs. Sanders to walk around the classroom, she finally came to me, the one in the front row seat.

I’d just say finally once in this sentence~

She handed out my paper and gave me a smile before walking to the front again. I got 100 percent, but that is typical. For me, even skipping up a level, math is easy. Though I was the shortest one in class.

vi wrote:

She handed me my paper with a smile before walking to the front again. I looked at the score. 100 percent. For me, even with skipping a level, math was easy. Though unfortunately that also meant I was the shortest person in the class.

I was just chilling and going to my next class, well no, going to help the math teacher of the 6th graders, when someone ‘accidentally’ bumped into me.
“Whoops, I’m ‘so sorry’ about that!” Harper, who’s been bullying me since fifth grade, laughed. “I think you dropped those nerdy glasses of yours!”

“I wear contacts, not glasses. You got that, Harper?” I shot back.

Okay, I really like Aurora snapping back. It shows her backbone and her annoyance. She seems done with Harper, which I like.
Here are some edits for clarity:

vi wrote:

I was just heading to my next class, where I was teacher’s assistant in sixth grade math, when someone “accidentally” bumped into me.
“Whoops, I’m so sorry about that!” Harper laughed the laugh she’d used to torture me since the fifth grade. “I think you dropped those nerdy glasses of yours!”

Everybody in the world is gifted in magic, aside from me. Or so they thought. In this school, only the magic teacher and principal know my secret.
The secret is that I do have magic, but I never show it. I am a devil, but the others are sorcerers and sorceresses. Devils are the same as them, but their magic is different. It is darker and stronger.

In the near past, when my father was young, devils could go free with people knowing without causing trouble. However, one year, a fight started between a group of devils, which included my dad – a very powerful devil, and sorcerers. It started off with a brawl and escalated to a big battle between the groups. Since devils have stronger magic, they easily blew out the sorcerers, but that did leave a mark.

Not a little one. They were already slightly judged, but this fight caused a huge one impact on our reputation.

I love all this story wise, but I think it does feel like we’re being given a lot of information. It’s important to have clarity in a story, and hiding backstory for no reason isn’t fun for the reader, but I think we can steamline this a bit more. Here is what I would say:

vi wrote:

Everyone was gifted in magic, aside from me. Well, that’s what they thought, anyway. Only two people here knew my secret: the magic teacher and the principal.
The secret was that I did have magic.
I was a devil, not a sorcerer, and so I was feared. My magic was darker and stronger.
When my father was young, devils didn’t cause trouble. That changed when a fight started between a group of devils and sorcerers. My father had fought with the devils, and though they won, it scarred our reputation beyond repair. No one trusted us anymore.
So I hid.

“Hey, cut it out!” My friend, Cassie, popped in between us. And she had zero idea on my magic.

Okay, can I just say—go Cassie? :) Only thing I’d change here is that the final sentence doesn’t make sense gramatically. Instead, I’d say:

vi wrote:

She had no idea about my magic.

The scene between Harper and Cassie is great! The only thing I’d change is to try to describe their expressions more, instead of merely saying what emotion they’re desplaying. Eg, “Harper smirked” instead of “looked at her slyly” or “Cassie turned to me, frowning” instead of “with a serious expression.” I think it could strengthen this scene even more! :D

“A magic explosion is occurring just slightly to our west, right now. And it is on the move, coming straight at us! And if I have heard correctly, it is a powerful one.” Cassie exclaimed, worried.

Clarity question here: if Cassie has figured this out, why hasn’t the school? Basically, why is there a dely before the evacuation?

Magic explosions occur when a devil’s magic erupts, causing the explosion. They normally erupt if they are having way, and I mean completely overboard way, too high amounts of negative feelings. Their mind becomes blank, and they are fueled by those emotions, knowing nothing but the want to destroy. The stronger the devil, the stronger the explosion.
Sorcerers and sorceresses have too weak of magic to fend against the explosions, so devils are in need to fight against it. But since the incident, sorcerers and sorceresses started to try and fight the weaker explosions, though devils may still be needed. But they won’t be able to fight stronger ones.

Woah, that’s intense :0 (I love it)
Again, this strays towards infodumping territory. For the most part, I don’t think it’s neccessary to explain everything just now. “Magic explosion” tells us most everything we need to know! Here are the facts I would keep: a) caused by devils b) can only be stopped by devils. Otherwise, I think it’s fine for us to learn everything else later. :)

I just stood there, my mind racing, trying to process the information. If it comes near our school during class, the truth will be out. Leaning against the wall, I take a deep breath.

More present tense~

vi wrote:

I stood there, mind racing as I tried to process the information. If the explosion came near the school during class, the truth would be out. Leaning against the wall, I took a deep breath.

“Okay! Bye!” And she leaves.

I take my time to go. I stop by my locker, grab my papers, put away my textbook, and take a short rest to think things through.

“I’m just going to have to hope that the explosion turns. Or it moves very, very slowly. If that happens, I don’t have a mess that I’ll have to explain to everyone.” I quietly whisper.

“But if it comes during school hours, which is a likely scenario, there’s nothing I can do. Everyone else will be evacuated, while I depart from my class, trying to avoid people, mainly teachers, from seeing I’m off from the group. And I’ll have to go to Mr. Meyers, the principal, and check with him first, and he’ll let me know what to do… right?” I think aloud, but quietly so others don’t hear me.
I checked the clock on the wall. Two minutes until class starts. I close my locker and head over to class.

I entered, saying hello to the teacher, Mr. Reed, and reviewed what we they are learning today. I tried to focus hard and ignore the thoughts in my head, but it keeps pulling me away from my thoughts that I need to think about.

I reviewed the lesson as best as I could, and the bell rang, signifying the start of class. As students get ready, Mr. Reed starts to begin the lesson, and I quietly take attendance and submit them on the computer.

About halfway done with the lesson, Mr. Reed motions to me. I nod, get the stack of papers on his desk, and start passing them out to the students.

“We’ll be working on this worksheet for the rest of class. Let’s first look at problem-” Mr. Reed begins, being interrupted by the loud alarm.

Ditto~

vi wrote:

…she left.
I took my time…I stopped by…grabbed my…and took…
I whispered. (Quietly is not really a neccessary adverb here, seeing as it’s implied in whisper :))
…I thought…didn’t hear…
I closed…
it kept pulling…
students got…Reed started the lesson…(started to begin is a bit superfluous as well ^^’)…
I quietly took…and submitted…
Reed motioned…I nodded…grabbed the stack…and started…
Reed bagan, before being…

“A magic explosion is drawing dangerously nearby. This is not a drill. Please evacuate immediately. I repeat, a magic explosion is drawing dangerously nearby. This is not a drill. Please evacuate immediately.” The automated voice system spoke.

I knew it. It just had to come at this time.

“Students! We need to line up and head out! Please stay quiet so we all can hear the announcements clearly!” Mr. Reed tells the class. Turning over to me, he says, “go to the very end to keep track of the students.”

Some more tense changes and some incorrect punctuation…I’ll address those rq:

vi wrote:

…immediately,” the…system said…
I’d known it.…
Reed told…he said,
…

vi wrote:

“Is that you, Aurora?” he asked, not even looking up.

“Yes, that’s me.” I replied.

“Okay, that’s good you’re here. From what I have heard, the explosion is from a powerful devil. A few sorcerers and sorceresses have tried to slow it down, but it isn’t working. We need devils,” he explained, motioning us to leave the office into the now-empty hallways of the school.

Mr. Meyers continued, “I wouldn’t want to you be in the battleground unless you have to. You’re still young; let the adult devils take care of it. Only join in if you really need to. Also, I would like you to report on how the explosion is going. Come to the evacuation field for a second for a second, and then you can go.”

We made our way to the evacuation field, where almost all the classes were assembled. Thankfully, he stopped slightly to the side, so I wasn’t not in front of the entire school, but if they were looking, they could see us.

“I’ll be over there,” Mr. Meyers pointed to the center of a raised area in front of the field. “Motion me over from here if you have any updates. You should start to prepare – it’s a big one.”

I nodded, and I closed my eyes. I took a deep breath and reopened them. They changed from their normal, hazel eyes, to a glowing, deep red. In this state, I could use a bit of my powers. But right now, I neededto track the explosion.

…

“Okay, thanks for the update. You can go now.” And he walked to the center, looking at the students in the field.

I looked at them before I left, and I locked eyes on the one person that I didn’t want to see me – Cassie. Her look was mainly confused, but I could tell she knew what was going on but didn’t want to believe it.

I nodded my head slowly, telling her that it was what she thought before leaving to see the explosion for myself.

I could sense that Cassie understood me, but she didn’t want to. I pushed it away and teleported to the site of the explosion.

Are these senses part of her powers or just intuition? :0
(for clarity, everything in bold are my edits)

“F-father…?”

Hehe, nice and dramatic!

Your story was really neat, thanks for letting me critique it!
Most of my changes that weren’t gramatical were personal preference, so if you don’t want to make the changes, you absolutely don’t have to! :)
Good luck in the competition!

Critique for Vi (@violent-measures)

Hello Vi! It was really fun reading your story, and I’m honored to critique it!

The worldbuilding is great, and I liked how the setting was subtly developed piece by piece, slowly making the reader realize where this story is taken place. Also, the characters, not being mentioned directly, make it all seem like a foggy memory.

Overall, this was really good! The adjectives and verbs were specific, which developed a good tone, and I really liked the use of metaphors to enhance the story. It has a lot of emotion, and the flow between ideas is subtle, which helped the story along. Below are a few notes, many of which are my personal preferences, which you can choose whether you want to include them or not. I may not give the best critique, but I hope this helps!

A red balloon, vibrant and shining like a single drop of blood, drifted up to the cold iron sky.

——— could not get the image out of her head. It was stuck there as if by glue.

What unnerved her more, though, was that she had no idea where the memory had come from.

It had assailed her suddenly, with persistent vengeance since its appearance. Pounding behind her eyes, a headache holding a picture from someone else’s life.

A captivating introduction :0 I like how it starts with an image!

——— tried to ignore it, walking from work to the living quarters across the street. A black car whipped by, probably carrying some important member of government, as they were the only ones who bothered with such transportation. ——— hurried across the street, making it in front of the steel structure where she slept before any other vehicles got too close.

I may change the first sentence a little:

——— attempted to ignore the feeling, starting to walk from work to the living quarters across the street.

I would change the verb ‘tried’ in the first sentence, maybe to ‘attempted’ or another synonym that describes how he/she tries to ignore it. Also, when it says ‘walking’, it sounds (to me) that he/she has already walked across, and to make it not confusing, I would put something like ‘starting to walk’. By the way, there’s a small grammar mistake in line two, where I would replace ‘member’ with ‘members’ because it’s plural.

A high voice exclaimed something beyond her, and footsteps pounded down the street. ——— whirled around, searching for the source of the noise. But it was just a group of children, wearing those odd grimaces unique to their kind. Shaking her head, ——— turned back to her task and stuck the key in the lock.

Just to clear any misunderstanding, I would put ‘high-pitched’ instead of ‘high’ in the first sentence.

It was a distant feeling though, like an echo of emotion. What she should be feeling, perhaps. Just above her hovered the string of a red balloon, but even when she jumped she could not reach it. Soon, it grew small against the height of the metal heavens. ——— cried, which was odd. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d cried. Yet, with the emotion coursing through her, it almost seemed . . . natural.

For the second sentence, it feels sort-of like a run-on, so I would put a comma after ‘jumped’ so it is more paced.


——— reached out, as though to grasp the fading threads of memory. It was no use. The occurrence had happened years ago. So long ago, there was no way she should remember it.
I would modify the last sentence, because ‘ago’ repeats, and also to emphasize that it was very far is the past. This is what I would change it to:

So far away that there should have been no chance of ——— even remembering a single word.

It was supposed to be impossible. Once your childhood was erased, you became efficient, hardworking, intelligent. A true member of society. And you never, never remembered.

This is entirely personal preference, but this is what I would change this to:

It was impossible. You became efficient, hardworking, and intelligent the minute your childhood memories were wiped away – a true member of society. As for your memories, they are never, ever remembered.

So she lay back down, resolving to, someday, find that boy and share with him another smile.

Closing her eyes, she let herself drift again into memory and dream.

Very glad she knew what it was to smile.

Short sentences to end the story, awesome!


Your story was a fun read and really good overall!
Good luck to you in the competition!

weekly #3

author's note : just wanna alert, this was speed-written in about 24 hours, so many things might not make sense, are written incorrectly, sounds confusing, etc. etc. it's a weird concept and theme in general, but here you are-

part 2
387 words

I stood at the altar, my heart pounding through my chest and palms full of sweat. The air crackled with anticipation as I waited for my betrothed to appear. But he didn't even bother showing up to the venue. Instead, he left me standing there, abandoned and humiliated, in front of friends and family; 189 guests to be exact. People who traveled millions of miles, across the globe, hoping to greet a new family. Instead, all they saw was one's lonely lover, desperate in starting a new chapter of life.

It was the ultimate betrayal that cut deep, slicing through my soul like a dagger. My anger simmered, fueling a burning desire for vengeance, as if a hard punch to the gut. That was supposed to be a day where I would escape from my depression, enter a world full of joy. It was more than just getting married. And he knew that.

I had put my heart and soul in the wedding plans and now, shocked that it had all come to nothing. What about the 2 year relationship we had? What was that really?

Determined to make him feel the pain he caused me, I began plotting my revenge. I would show him what it felt like to be left behind, to have your heart shattered into a million pieces.

(a few months later)

One quiet evening, as I stood outside his apartment building, clutching a box filled with mementos of our failed love, my resolve wavered. Doubt crept in, whispering in my ear, questioning the righteousness of my actions. Was revenge truly the answer? It was at that moment when he emerged from the building, his eyes full of sorrow and remorse.

“Let me explain,” he pleaded, his voice a melody that once had the power to make my heart skip a beat.

I hesitated, the pain and anger warring inside me. But as I looked into his eyes, I saw the regret etched upon his face. Was there still love beneath the ashes of our broken relationship?

“Karma, come on, listen to me!”

I bit my lip, my hands automatically forming into a clenched fist. Maybe it wasn't the right time. Maybe God knew I could perfect my plan even more. I turned my back, ignoring the echoes as he called my name.


part 3
485 words

The wind was suspiciously damp, curtains of rain slamming onto the roof of the black uber that had driven me home.

I poured myself a cup of mocha iced coffee and kicked off my house slippers. I began to scroll the internet looking for my ex-fiance's facebook page and sure enough, found it.

Outside the large double-door window that appeared above me, the night sky above was full of tumultuous, dark and ragged clouds. The air was terrifyingly silent as a bolt of lightning tore across the sky, followed by a peal of loud thunder.

Immediately, I shut the blinds, horrified.

“Avery123” I read off the username and found myself chuckling at how witless he was, continuing to scroll through his profile. Pictures of Avery's puppy appeared—getting adopted, first time at the groomers, reactions to getting married. I clicked on the post. Surely he was talking about our engagement photos.

'Getting Married :wedding_ring:' the caption read, followed by images of Avery and a woman. She seemed similarly close to him.. brown hair, brown eyes, a good smile. He did mention a big company sponsoring his own, perhaps it was a colleague.

The next image was a close up of a diamond ring on the woman's finger, as well as Avery proposing.

No way.

It had only been months since our wedding disaster and soon enough, he was already remarrying?

I slumped my back against the head of my brand new couch and painfully sighed. It hurt that he could move on so quickly, but there was no way I would let such a foolish man break me once again. He may have been my first boyfriend, but he was a cheater.

Now was my chance to get revenge, to make him regret what he did.

I started plotting the real revenge.

Something that would be the perfect celebration gift.

I began to spend the next few weeks obsessively dedicating my time to exacting the best type of revenge. I created the perfect plan to get back at Avery for abandoning me in a way that would be both satisfying and unforgettable. I drafted a meticulous plan to make him regret his ugly decision.

The next morning, I had some phone calls to make..

..

“Peaches.” I repeated to the head chef of the wedding, pitching my voice. “Please add extra peaches to the main dessert course, the groom truly loves them,”

..

“Family and friends of the bride and groom,” A mischievous smirk appeared over my face. “You'll need multiple actors to play them!”

..

“Yes. Turn off the food and band during the vows. Reenact the groom's previous wedding—I heard it was a complete fail,” I laughed over the phone.

..

“Of course, I understand the bride requested for a white dress at the fitting, but she suddenly reached out, saying she wants a dark brown coloured dress. Yes, I assure you, this is her assistant.”

..


part 4
370 words

At last, the plans I made wouldn't be for nothing.

(weeks later — day of the wedding)

The big day drew closer and closer, until suddenly, it had arrived. The family might have found it exhilarating, but they had no clue what was about to happen.

I, on the other hand, were absolutely born ready.

Taking the morning to get ready, I styled my hair into light curls and wore a summery, flower crown. I piled layers of blush and highlighter, making sure I would be able to shine. I was going to be the star.

It was happening all over again.

The day to celebrate my success.

The wedding dress was a vision of pure beauty, as it hung on my closet. Soft white lace spilled from the sweetheart neckline, cascading like a sheet of snow across the delicate silk fabric that formed the body of the dress. Crystals and pearls embellished the neckline, adding a hint of sparkle and shine in the light.

It was like a work of art, a perfect blend of form and function, designed to take breath away.

I stepped into the dress, the fabric feeling cool and weightless against my skin. I turned to the mirror, eyes growing wide with wonder.

I looked beautiful.

As I entered the hall, my heels clanked against the glass tiles. The majority of the men were dressed in dinner jackets with black ties, and some even donned frock coats, while the women were decked out in evening dresses and priceless diamonds.

“Everything set?” I whispered to one of the head actor's, grabbing a refresher from the drink bar.

The plan was starting to successfully unfold.

“E-Excuse me, everyone,” a voice spoke into the microphone from stage. “There have been a few difficulties with the planning.” I grinned. “But please take a seat, as the new couple will walk in shortly.”

Avery moved to the side as he walked down the aisle. The bride and her father entered together, soon after the green-dressed bridesmaids. The dress was styled wrong—It was meant to be hideous.

She crossed over, holding her fiance's hand while her dress trailed behind her. Until, confusion-inducing murmurs soon emerged from the seats.

The band had ceased.

The lights flickered.

The wedding was ruined.


part 5
305 words

From an extended distance, I witnessed the terror with which guests began to holler within the pitch-black, quiet space. Upon rising from their chairs, they ran into one another as they attempted to find the exit and/or the switch to light.

Absolute chaos.

A terrorized look flashed across Avery's face as he realized he had been duped.

As the lights started to gradually flicker on again, I strode up to the podium and took my place in front of the microphone.

I loudly declared, “Ladies and Gentlemen, Avery Hues and his fiance's lovely wedding.” The room was abuzz with clapping and laughter. “As a present, please accept my congrats!” A thought appeared in my mind. As it was already on the floor, there must've been a way to try the dessert. “A gift to the face?” My hand delved into the cake, smashing against Avery's face. I licked the mouthwatering frosting off my finger. “Mm, peaches are one of my favourites.”

Suddenly, he was caught on his own breath as his face began to swell.

Avery was allergic.

As I made my way out the door and down the hallway, I laughed, my head held high.

The past few months had been hard, but I was glad that in the end, all of my efforts and patience had paid off. Justice had indeed been served. I embraced the sense of closure I felt, knowing that my heart could finally begin to heal.

I was ready for what the future had in store as I stepped out into the sunlight and continued on my journey of healing.

I could confidently assert that I had overcome, endured, and survived.

The flood of emotions that had been building up inside of me subsided.

I had officially moved on.

..

Good luck, Avery.

I'm sure you'll need it <3

Part One
(no proof needed)
(164 words)

Part Two
Riing…
Rei trudged home, her sneakers covered in mud and dust.
She took the long way home on purpose, because she didn't want to go back to her apartment where Eliza and Papa were always arguing.
The pavement was wet and slippery after the short drizzle during the morning. Puddles formed in small holes.
Rei stared at one of them, her reflection appearing in the very water.
She examined her sunflower-yellow eyes that always seemed to be brighter than the sun whenever-
Rei stomped in the puddle and started running.
She never wanted to relive that painful moment again, that clenched her heart, knowing that it would never, never happen again.
Rei never used the lift. It smelt of stale pee and sweat and saliva. Anyways, she would always use the longest way to get back. Rei walked up the steps, slowly, while counting.
19, 20
First floor.
31, 32
Second.
45, 46
Fourth.
78, 79
Home.
Or is it?
Rei has never known how home felt like ever since Ma left.
She stopped in front of the door, and without trying to, she could hear the voices of Eliza and Papa arguing.
Rei barged in, slamming the door open, saying loudly, “I'm home!”
The fighting stopped abruptly.
“There's fried noodles on the table. Heat it up,” said Eliza.
“Okay,” mumbled Rei.
She ate her noodles in silence, the food tasting like sand.
That morning, a sentence made her decide to run away.
“I want a divorce.”
Not again.
Rei stuffed some instant noodles and snacks, and two water bottles into her waterproof backpack. She was about to leave when something caught her eye.
A Rubik’s cube, the colors on the cubes faded. Rei grabbed it and stuffed it in her pack.
Then, she opened her bedroom window and used the pipes to climb down. It wasn’t really that high. Even if it was, she wouldn’t have been able to notice with hot tears clouding her vision.
Before her feet even touched the blades of grass, she turned and started running toward the place where her childhood was spent the most— the treehouse in the Big Tree.
Rei stopped in front of the Tree, which looked the same as it was 8 years ago.
She ran her hand over the rough bark, which had scraped her hands and knees so many times. The tree was bigger than enormous, the trunk itself probably as thick as a car. The equally thick foliage had different shades of green, easily concealing the… treehouse.
Treehouse?
Oh. Yeah. The treehouse. Where Rei and… used to play.
Ma and Papa themselves helped to build it.
Without a second thought, Rei scaled the tree quickly and climbed from branch to branch, reaching the treehouse.
The wood used to build it strangely wasn't rotting, and the nails that held it together weren't rusted.
So… someone must've come here regularly to keep it in tip-top shape. Only few know about this place. One is Rei, one has left, one probably forgot, so…
The sound of rustling and grunting caught Rei off guard.
She quickly hid in a far corner, and used her sunflower-yellow eyes to observe the young boy the same age as her emerge from the foliage.
“Hiro?!”
The boy jumped. “Rei??”
“What are you doing here?”
“I could ask you the same thing.”
“Yeah, but I asked you first.”
Hiro huffed. “Well, you see-” he started.
“You've been taking care of the treehouse?”
Hiro flushed. “Um, yeah I guess. Now what are you doing here?”
Rei sat down on the closest chair. “Needed some space. And peace.”
“What's wrong?”
“Eliza demanded a divorce.”
Silence.
Rei cleared her throat. “Are you starting to get along with your foster parents?”
“They’re fine.”
“Oh.”
Silence.
“I’m tired. Going to sleep. You don’t need to stay,” Rei said, trying but failing to hide the note of desperation in her voice.
“Nah. I’m tired too. Those two stayed up screaming their voices out while watching a tennis match.”
And they slept.
(669 words, got carried away xd)

Part Three
Rei woke up to the sound of water splashing against the sides of the tree, and the cool wind sharp against her warm face.
She sat up, shocked, remembering the last place she had fallen asleep was in a treehouse in a tree that was stuck in the thick soil.
But this, this was water.
It was a crystal clear mirror that stretched out for miles, its height reaching only just above the tree’s roots.
“Hiro! Hiro! Dang it, why do you sleep so deep????”
“Wh-what?”
“WE’RE SURROUNDED BY WATER!”
“No way that’s possible,” he said, looking out the window. “No… way…”
“There’s nothing for miles…”
“How’re we going to survive here?”
“I brought two water bottles, and some snacks. May last us for a few days, maybe?”
Hiro rubbed his nose. “We’ve got to be dreaming…”
“Heyy!!!” They heard people shouting outside.
“You said there wasn’t anything for miles…?”
Rei shrugged and rushed out to the window.
There were two creatures with glossy blue skin and white hair. Their eyes were like crystals, indecisive on what color to take. They were probably children. “How did you get here?”
“Um… Who are you?”
They giggled, a bit like fingernails scraping across a blackboard. “We should ask you that. Do you need help?”
“Why yes we do!” Hiro jumped in. “How do we get home?”
“Where is your home?”
“Uh… earth?”
The first child cocked their head. “What is Earth?”
The second nudged the first. “Perhaps Papa will know.”
“Yes, yes! We should bring them to Papa!”
“Who?” Rei cut in.
“The wisest of wise! Perhaps he will know how to help you. Come with us!”
Rei climbed down the tree. Hiro quickly grabbed her arm. “Umm… Rei, what if they’re hostile?”
She shook her head. “I have this thing… I can tell if a person has bad intentions. They are perfectly pure.”
She saw the doubt on Hiro’s face. “Ugh, whatever, I’m going. Come if you want.” Rei jumped off the remaining distance between the water. Not long later, another splash came from behind. “I’m not going to let you go with some creepy blue kids.”
-
“Come here!” One said, beckoning them closer. “I am Ashoka, she is Chione!”
Hiro frowned. “Wait, those are real human names.”
Ashoka nodded, grinning. “Because our papa like humans!” He poked both of them. Rei and Hiro flinched.
“Oh, uh… I'm Rei, he's Hiro.”
Ashoka grinned even wider. “Hieee!!”
Chione elbowed him. “Quick, show them the entrance!”
“I was going to,” he pouted, and then jumped.
To Hiro and Rei’s shock, the water swallowed him.
“Humans first!” Chione smiled.
“Umm… Ladies first?” Hiro said.
Rei rolled her eyes and felt the place Ashoka disappeared with her toe. It was solid.
“You must not see. You have to believe!”
“Ah.” Rei closed her eyes, sucked in a lungful of air, and jumped.
-
It felt like sinking into soft jelly, suffocating at first until Rei opened her eyes… and forgot where she was.
The bright light from above shone through the ripples of the water, shining on the city before her. Breathing was like breathing air, but perhaps thicker.
How was she breathing?
“When Ashoka poked you, he gave you the ability to breathe in our lands,” said Chione, close to her, a Hiro in awe.
“So… your papa?”
“Oh yes!” Come with us.“
-
They passed through a market. Rei saw strange stuff sold there, like a pink slimy tentacle that was still wriggling; insect-like creatures in containers; a bouquet of black, blue and orange flowers that looked like fingers.
They went to a village, to a small house that looked very much like the other houses. The villagers were like Ashoka and Chione. Blue-skinned, white-haired people.
”Papa! We're home! These humans need help!“
Behind a curtain emerged an older replica of Ashoka.
Rei took a look at him and paled. ”We've got to get out of here.“
”What?“ Hiro exclaimed.
”I'm not hostile… call me Joqein." His voice wasn't as deep as you thought, perhaps like a male teen going through puberty.
But Rei saw him. Just like you can look at the crinkles of one's eyes and confirm if they are smiling genuinely, Rei saw a dark glint deep in the depths of those crystal eyes.
And Joqein knew that. In a second, he was behind the duo and with his knuckle, they were out like a light.
(734 words)

Part Four
“-ei”
“-ei!”
“Rei!”
Rei sat up immediately, noting the darkness in her surroundings.
Opposite her, was a glaring Hiro.
“You said they weren't hostile.”
“I said that the children weren't hostile.”
“Whatever. How are we going to get out?”
She shrugged. “And I left our provisions in the treehouse.”
Hiro's tummy grumbled in response. “Welp.”
“What time is it?”
“Rei, didn't you realize that this place is never dark?”
“Huh.”
Hiro sighed. “Maybe we should sleep.”
“Yeah.”
It took too long for Rei to fall asleep. Creeping in her mind was her Papa, worried sick, talking to the police, calling Ma…As she was drifting off, she heard a voice.
“Ugh, Papa's going to kill us for this.”
Chione?
“Umm… not literally right?”
Ashoka!
“I don't think so,” Rei found herself blurting out.
“Rei!” They shouted.
They ran over to their cell, brandishing a key.
“Woah, how did you get that?” Rei marveled. “Tell you later. Come! We have to go! Wake up that friend of yours.”
Rei looked at Hiro, still snoring. “Hmph.” She grabbed his face and shouted, “WAKE UP!” quietly enough so that no one outside would hear, but loudly enough so that Hiro's amber eyes flicked open and scrambled out of Rei's grasp.
“Holy cheese Rei, one day you're going to appear in my nightmares.”
“Yes, cheese are holey! Now come on, let's get out of here!”
Hiro grinned. “Well, slay.”
-
The children weren't very good at telling stories.
“We got the keys from Papa while hugging him.”
“Then we stole this orb from his study. It can teleport. But not to surface.”
“Then we creep here when we are supposed to be sleeping.”
“Then get you out! Also, here is some food!”
They presented a packet of cubes. Without hesitation, Hiro took one and popped it into his mouth. “Mm. Tastes like caramel!”
Rei took a cube and ate it. It tasted like caramel, the good kind, not the overly sweet kind, the one with a little salt at the side. Well, in her opinion, this was better than the popcorn sold at cinemas.
“Papa told us that he wanted to keep you for our friends. But then, we overheard him talking to an official about how he could finally study human life!”
“Ugh, we were going to be used as experiments?”
Chione giggled. “Did you know that we've been speaking English this entire time? Our native language is too hard for humans to understand. And one time, after a human visited and went back, Papa decided for us to learn basic English.”
However, Rei was only half listening. “How are we going to get back?”
Ashoka stomped his feet. “I'm not done! The thing is, this human also arrived AND left in a tree!”
-
“Grab on to us,” Ashoka said, him and Chione holding the orb. Rei and Hiro took a child and held on to their arm “I've never done this before, hope it works-” Ashoka shouted an unintelligible word.
“Wait, wha-”
It felt like a rubber band being pulled… then let go. It sucked out all the air inside of them, and for a few horrifying seconds, Rei's intrusive thoughts screamed “WE'RE GOING TO DIE!”
Then they were released.
They heard more shouts, Joqein and more armed people were coming after them! Ashoka pushed the orb into Rei's hands.
“Take this, I'll try to hold them. Quick, close your eyes and jump!”
Rei did as he was told, and jumped.
It was like going in the water, but the reverse. She was emerging out of the jelly, and the jelly spat her out.
Underneath the water was solid again.
And it was strange breathing in the pure air after the slight thickness under the water.
She had to gasp a few times to even out her breathing.
Behind her, she heard a pop- Hiro.
Another pop- Chione.
One more pop- Ashoka.
Suddenly, the tree started vibrating.
He immediately jumped to his feet and pushed them to the tree. “Go! Go! They are coming!”
They sloshed in the water, slower than any of them wanted, and reached the tree. Rei scrambled up, just like the day she ran away. Hiro came after her. At the treehouse, the duo waved goodbye at the children. “Come visit next time!”
Then, violent winds blew, covering the duo's sight.
A sudden decision striking Rei, she took her bag and grabbed the Rubik's cube,and threw it down. “Keep it! It's for you!”
The children below shouted something, but it was hard to make out of it in the roaring of the winds.
They were going home.
(725 words)

Part Five
When the winds cleared, they were back in the familiar place.
The tree was rooted in the ground.
And there- there was the apartment.
Hiro was looking the other way. “I'mma go and check on my foster parents now. See ya.”
Rei smiled and nodded. She watched him clamber down and shot off in the direction he was looking, before slowly climbing down the tree.
She trudged toward her apartment, like the very day before she decided to run away.
But this time, she was looking forward to going back.
She climbed the steps.
She felt something heavy in her pocket.
The orb.
19, 20
First floor.
31, 32
Second.
45, 46
Fourth.
78, 79
Home.
Or is it? She had thought.
Yes it is, Rei replied.
Behind the door was quiet.
She opened the door with hesitation. Papa looked up, his dull eyes lighting up. “Rei…” he said, arms wide. She ran in without hesitation. For the first time, she finally felt like she was really home.
The door opened again. “I'm sorry for being so late, I came as soon as possible, there was a horrible traffic jam, I-”
“Mom?” Rei's voice sounded timid.
“Rei?” she sobbed and joined in the hug. “Oh Lord, I thought you ran away.”
“I did,” she said, voice muffled. “But I came back.”
-
Early that morning Papa called Hiro's foster parents for breakfast together. They happily agreed and shared that they watched a tennis match after he came back, with popcorn that he didn't seem to like, which was strange since caramel-flavored popcorn used to be his favorite.
Not long after, Papa and Ma decided to remarry. And again, I've never felt home so warm.
(283 words)

TOTAL
2640 words

july 21st – extra challenge character bio
133 words

arya winds (nick is andy; inside joke) is an 18 year old female. born in toronto, canada, she is korean-canadian and is fluent + educated in both languages/cultures. she has an average height of 5'7 and a medium beige skin tone. Originally hazelnut brown hair, she dyed her hair to be wavy silver coloured hair. arya has hazel-grey eyes, but from time to time, she wears coloured contacts. She has a couple of piercings (tongue + ears), as well as a few tattoos (a mini arrow on her wrist, rose on her left shoulder, stars around her right shoulder-chest area, and a short quote written on her bicep area). arya mostly has an edgy, artistic clothing style and wears chains, necklaces, and rings. she has a background in fighting, kickboxing, and participating + winning multiple championships.

Critique for @-nightglow-

Hello alana <33

This piece was really good! You were excellent at making the reader identify with the character and really give us a clear order of events. It was easy to follow and enjoyable to read, so props on that! Especially with the limited context, it was really clear and well thought-out! Good job!! <33

General thoughts-

Overall, really great job! The only thing I would say is that it’s a lot of inner thought, so maybe break it up with some dialogue or memories? It would also be helpful if you added more of the character’s body movements into the story- maybe fidgeting in anticipation, hands shaking, or something else to show how the character reacts without telling us exactly. The story could maybe benefit from the advice “show, don’t tell”. It would also be helpful to give us a glimpse of the character’s past, so we have some context. Otherwise, superb writing!

Some specific word choices:

Going on an adventure in the real world all alone.

Going on an adventure in the real world, all alone.

(I would put a comma after “world”.)

I was able to do this. Come here today, and escape.

I was able to do this- come here today and escape.

(That sentence just flows more, don’t you think?)

That place I can't believe I used to call home.

The place I can’t believe I used to call home.

(The repetition of “that” in the original sentence throws me off a bit.)

But try, after try, no matter how long I searched for,

But try after try, no matter how long I searched,

(I don’t think the comma is necessary, and I think the sentence sounds better without “for”)

I was merely just a pup in the middle of the ocean, now stranded by myself, all alone.

I was merely a pup, floating on trash in the middle of the ocean, stranded all alone.

(The “just” and the “by myself” are a little redundant, and the floating trash part gives more emphasis.)

one want to leave and the other wanted to stay

One wanting to leave and the other wanting to stay

(that just makes more sense, I think )

The world had never looked more beautiful. From the bright green vines lurking below to the tiny guppies guiding me front beneath.

The world had never looked more beautiful, from the bright green vines lurking below to the tiny guppies guiding me underneath the water.

(That eliminates the sentence fragment and is more flow-y)

Apologies if that was a little harsh, those were the only things I could find xD but besides all those little tiny things, your story was perfect! <33

Title of the Exhibit: WasteWater Treatment Plant and Hydro-Electric Power Plant.


____________________________________________________

Principle:
Sustainability consists of fulfilling the needs of current generations without compromising the needs of future generations,
Keeping in mind the Two Factors of Sustainability — Social Well-being and Environmental Care, I have made two features of a Sustainable City
Sustainable Water Sewage Treatment Plant.( Social Well-Being)
We must have a Sustainable water sewage Treatment Plant Which is a Waste Water treatment plant(WWTP). WWTP has the following steps.
Receiving Tank: This tank receives the Waste Water.
Screening: This tank has screens which separate the unwanted particles from the waste water.
Skimming: This tank separates liquids(oil) from the water.
Primary Sedimentation: This tank allows the solid to settle and be removed from the Waste Water.
Aeration: Aeration consists of passing large amounts of air through water. The air helps in removing metallic impurities from water.
Secondary Sedimentation: This Tank involves living organisms such as aerobic or anaerobic microbes to digest the organic waste.
Filtration: In this Tank, A filter paper can be used in the form of a funnel and this filter paper will filter the solid particles from the water.
Distribution Tank: This tank distributes the purified water. This water can be used for consumption but has to be boiled before and can also be used for domestic purposes.

2. Hydro-Electric Power Plant( Environmental Care)

Hydroelectric Power, is a renewable source of energy that generates power by using a Rainwater harvesting tank here. Hydropower relies on the endless, constantly recharging system of the water cycle to produce electricity.
Water flows through a pipe(penstock) and then spins the blades in a turbine that ultimately produces electricity.
And thus we can conclude that The greater the flow and The more electricity that can be generated.
____________________________________________________
Materials Used:
CardBoard
Recycled Plastic Bottles
Color Papers — Green,White,Red
Tape
Ice-Cream Sticks
Glue
Scissors
Cardboard Cutter
Recycled Plastic Containers
Fevi-Quick
____________________________________________________




Procedure:
Waste-Water Treatment Plant :
Make a Step Base Using Cardboard with Equal Distance between Each Step.
Cover the Cardboard with Red Color Paper.

THE MIST-THE ETERNAL FOG-NOVEL
Chapter 1: The Eternal Fog

( It was a foggy day, All the people stayed indoors because of the fear of getting lost in the eternal fog)
Miya said, “ Mum, When will the fog be lifted? It's been nearly a week and I want to play outdoors with my friends.” Miya's mum, Not knowing how to answer and was still in a puzzled state when Miya's older sister, Carmi spoke up, “ Miya, don't worry Everything is going to be okay and wanna play a game of Chess? Let's see who will win?” Miya sprinted towards her room to get her Chess board and coins and Mum was still worried as the groceries at home were getting over and was confused on how to get all the important stuff when they were supposed to stay indoors. Carmi sensed her mum's worried expression and thus reassured her mum that she and her mist will go out for that and then disappeared into thin air. Mum understood her and when Miya came she played Chess with her.
The Mist was a secret spy agency founded by Carmi to protect those in need. The mist consisted of Carmi( The leader and a spy)The Eternal Fog seemed suspicious and bank robberies have been taking place across town. This was worrying everyone and the mist even more. They had to do something about it and Every person in the town were counting on them to protect them from this eternal fog and make sure it is gone for good. With this high pressure, the question is, “ Will they Save the town from the Eternal Fog?” Well, This was the same question which rose in the heart and mind of the team members of the mist.

The mist was made up of 4 members, Carmi-The leader and a super stealth spy, Davian- The Hacker, Rose- The Doctor, Hawk- A Robotics engineer and a weirdo who wanted to be a spy and so spy in training.

The mist arrived at their Meeting point–The Shop. It was actually like the head quarters of the Mist, It consisted of a main place to discuss, A lab for Rose, A workshop for Hawk, A Techy room for Davian and a Training room for Carmi.

They all came to the Head Quarter or HQ of the Shop. Carmi started the conversation, “ We all know why we are here so same the speech I guess o What should we do about the eternal fog, Any Ideas?” Rose Spoke up, “ Well, I can test the gas of the Eternal fog so that I can find a way to remove it.”
“That's Excellent, I will get a Sample for you to test.” said Carmi.

(Now they had somewhere to start it so I guess The End where it is just the beginning of a new Venture.)

Mercenary Jobs

Illu-fi (1219 words)

Alright boys, hydra attempt number two! I actually really like this bonus challenge, out of all the bonus challenges, this is definitely one of the best. I also like the one avbout using other people’s characters though. That one’s inda cool because one, you get to rant about your characters to other eople, and two, you get to practice writing in other POVs, maybe ones that you’re not normally used. to. That’s why it’s a relaly great exercise in perspective. And you know me, chat, all about that! I have no idea why I’m tlaking to chat even in my writing now. It’s not as if I’m actuually a steamer But I’ve begun doing it in rela life too for some reasln. Is this a sign that I ought to be on YpuTube? Or Twitch? Or is it jsut that I’ve been watchng so many videos lately that I’ve absorbed their verbology? Verbology? I think that’s the right word, haha, I have honestly no clue- Just writing whatever random stuff comes into my brain and hoping at least some of it looks like actal words by the time I’m done here It’s kind of scary not knowing how many words I’ve written, or how much time I have left, but I can’t check without falling behind, so I just keep going, spamming as ahrd as I can on my poor, abused keyboard,. I wonder if it’s really true that youc an tell a lot about a person based on thee wera on ther keyboard. I mean, for me, my Chromebook is so old, that all of the keys are worn. Like, all of them. Eve the Q key. I know I made a bunch o typos just then, whops. You know, I don’t really like writing like this normally because the ability to think things through and also fix errors as I go is just my srtyle. However, this is kind of interesting because it’s the complete opposite of my norm. Is that why I liek it, you think? I guess I posed that question to no one, huh? And that one too, haha. I guess I just naturally talk to chat.

I’m trying the hydra again because I can’t stand to fail lol. I didn;t reach the 500 words in tha last attempt only 362 so I feel bad now. I won the first time and I dont understand how I could e so much worse the second time. I think it’s because I cared about pucntayution too much and slso U use long words more often isntead of quicjk one syllanale words like this. Well syllabble is longer than that but okay okay thats fine I dont have time to think about this altight? I am just going to compeltely ignore pucntauation unless I end up doing it out of habit which I sometimes do especially when capitralizing I and stuff. Also periods ut nort realy commas so much it; skins of weird I dont really understand why,. Ojh no those were some long words I need to use short words only if I want to win this for good. I am really trying hard, my hafns hurt in rela life this is ctually bad. I hope I can win this and not have to do it again a third time. I mean technically I dont have to win and I can still earn points and these points arent wven for my cabin because I’ma mercenary but I still have fear of failure so I wont let myself rest until I compete a 500 word hydra. You know, I wonder how much pisture affects typing speed ebcause I’m relaly sittingnup now and I think this is fatsert maybe thats anther reaodn why I lost the second attempt . I hope I can win this one. Please say I’m amking good progress. I am literally panting right now, like legit, and my brain is racinf, but that s good ebcause I;m witing down all thr wthoughts as they come into my head and not just spamming random keys althought ehs thought of just saing A over and oev again was alluring, I admit., haha. It’s okay, I beleiev in myself if i did it before I can do it again. Oay now I’m running out of things to say so you know what, I liemt urtles Turtles are always relevant to anything especially randomness even though random kind of means not trelevant by default nbut just dont think too ahrd about it okay? Okay I’m pretty sure I won please say I’ve reached the words limit

I swea ri dont know how I manageed t0o do it the first time? Was it a glitch and I actually fialed baceause I tried sp ahrd and still foendt make it Ima mad what did I do wrong where should I have gone differently was it all justa huge mustake an I actually good or was this all a huge pile of worgthlessness? I cant beleive it I just cant I musy win though it must be possible it wouldnt abe a thing if it wasnt possible all i got to do is unlike 100 words per minute typing how hard can it be ai know some peope cab do it what dcan i do to make it to that level can i just say a bunch of little words like a and the ana and and i cant really think straight anymr because my brain is off the wires but idd i cant do it this time i am act7ally going to quit because i cant do this ay longert i am in pain my handsare hurting but i cdo admit i got close it woas three hundred sixty two words and the four hundren somethinwwords so i think i can fte that f ive hundred if i can just stop hilding back if I can just try a little more if i can just win for the sake of turtles, i wont let you down iw ont let leyself dwon i will keep repeating thing suntil the msucle memeory take sover and i manage to cheurn out somethng anything that doesnt even ahve to amke sense so long as i try and maybe i wont dfix this afterwar ambe ill leav it like this mhug emess that no one can understand jyst because it pays off later to know where i started and when i acheieve all my dremas of gundred word a minute typ9n i can looomback at trwhere i srrated and be amazed at how far ive come and yes I know thats atechno quot e that why ic said it i miss him so ic7un much must move anon at least a little and eveb nthough is till atch hsi videos all the time i even did today i know that ic an be happy with making others m main focus like for instance i watched randboo bods the other day last ight i think and it made me happy. iwatched him paly stanleys parable and god i love that game so much it agve me rwal portal vibes anf jeez i just looked upa t th4e screne for the first time and j wrote os much is it over did i win and oh


Fantasy (1096 words)

This isn’t going to be an official mini-essay because I’m doing it for Scratch Writing Camp and don’t have time to develop that nice, structured format I prefer to do my essays in. Also, it’s kind of a chaotic topic, anyway, since it’s built on non-canonical references and my weird personal subjectivity. But yup, character symbolism and keyphrasing, let’s do this-

You asked about the sun symbolism group for whatever reason, so let’s start there. Swift is the OG “sun” referenced shazarxa, and I’m even working on incorporating this into his character design (think of EphemeralMoth’s design for Sunstar). I'm actually not entirely sure where I first picked up this reference, as it wasn't one of the things his character was birthed from. However, it works pretty well as a metaphor, as he's sort of the major “beacon” that every other shazarxa looks to when their civilization is just getting started. He's essentially the founder of their entire society, and everyone looks up to him. He’s where everything really “started.” Now, I’ve also got “Ruby” looped into the “sun” symbolism thing, and I’m actually considering making her finalized canon name be something sun-related. However, she gets it because of her personality more than her role in the plot. She’s this optimistic, exuberant, larger-than-life, shining ball of extrovertedness and kindness- but she’s also tough and fierce.

On the other (related) side, we have the night-themed shazarxi. Moon is probably the most obvious one that comes to your mind, since her name is literally a reference to Swift being the “sun.” I have so many different songs to back this one up, as I’m sure you noticed when I talked about Moon a while back. Her whole symbolic moment is that she is both complemented by and outshined by the “sun,” meaning both Swift and “Ruby,” but she has a lot of beauty in her own right, too, even if it’s a darker kind. Her symbolism ties heavily into night/shadows as well, which, interestingly, was apparently hereditary ebcause “Night,” Holly, and Shade all carry those same references. (Note here that these were the offspring she had with Swift- so while Swift’s overpowering “brightness” may have overshadowed Moon during his lifetime, it was Moon’s influence that lasted longer and got passed along. Swift burned hot and fast, but went out quickly.) “Night” in particular received the moon/nighttime symbolism, which along with “Ruby,” the “sun,” and Wander, the “astronomy” shazarxa, forms the SunMoon&Stars group, my beloved SpaceTrio. Wander’s “star” symbolism is half because they’re a dreamer and a visionary who is always aiming high and honestly too good for this world, and half because he’s literally into stargazing and mapping constellations.

Okay, now back to that “shadow” keyphrasing, because it is widely used in another context, and that context is Ash. While the characters of Moon, Shade, Holly, and “Night” are direct embodiments of the shadow symbolism, there is also a generalized concept of “shadow” that I use a lot in Ash’s POV. To him, it represents his personal trauma and the things he perceives as evil, everything he wants to banish from his life. However, the things he scorns for being “darkness” may actually conceal the more genuine, beautiful sides of life- “Night”’s empathy, or Holly’s patience, or Shade’s loyalty, or Moon’s deep family bonds. By trying to get rid of all of the “darkness” around him, the true evil ends up inside him. When I draw his POV, I like to represent this literally, with the shadows consuming him.

So then that leads to the next logical piece of imagery- light. The “sun,” and “moon,” and “stars” are all obviously associated with light, but what about like, light in general, just pure light waves? Well, Feather’s got a little bit of glow, but there’s really only one character who fully embodies light itself, and that’s our boi Parsnip. He’s like a laser or a lightbulb, some sort of artificial beam of concentrated light that is intense, high-energy, and reflects off of mirrors in order to bounce around everywhere. The zig-zag patterns on his pelt even represent energy because I love symbolism in character designs.

I love Wander’s character a lot, but there really isn’t a whole lot I know about his early life or family background. The early-arc, Swift-era shazarxi need a lot of work, I know, but Wander is still one of the few characters that doesn’t have any family relationships at all. At least in the case of Swift, I can assume he is the brother of “Emerald” and Sandstone because the genetics checks out, even if I don’t have characters to be their parents yet. (I haven’t checked the genetics for Marigold and Pebble also being their siblings, so that’s why I didn’t mention them even though currently, that’s where they’re located on the family tree.) I do still have the PondTunnel ship concept floating around- names you haven’t seen for a long time, I’ll bet- but they’d be the parents of some of the blue group because of Pond’s genetics, clearly. And while I once considered making Wander the sibling of Drizzle, I just can’t see that happening. Their relationship just wouldn’t work out like that; there’s simply no connection. I can’t really see Wander being related to Moon in any way even if the genetics DID work for that- honestly, that idea is simply so dumb, it’s funny. Obviously, Wander can’t be the sibling of “Ruby” without making things weird, even though “Ruby” seems like a closer genetic bet. Ember and Song are the only other genetically-possible options for Wander’s siblings, and that is not a possibility I’m going to completely give up on yet. Still, I’d have to know a lot more about the specifics of the timelines and everything before I could make a decision like that. The other option is to make Wander an only hatchling, which isn’t an entirely terrible concept, either. The only problem is that there aren’t a whole lot of early-arc shazarxi available for breeding, and it’s awkward to create two whole new characters out of nowhere, who then ALSO have to have backstories, only to create a singular offspring in the next generation. It would be far more convenient to lump Wander in with another sibling group so that there are fewer characters I have to deal with in the parent generation. But there is also a third possibility, a combination of the other two. Wander could be the genetic sibling of other shazarxi, but adopted and raised as an only hatchling.


Tragedy (1179 words)

+408 words from a critique ( https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/694457/?page=17#post-7373171 )

one more time one more time before the end of cabin wars I can fo this i can complete his cursed challeng if i die trying wll then oh well i guess that is how the cookie crumbles or the muffin if you are bad boy halo i guess but that is not here nor there so i shall just sit here and spam about how i found a turtle at lodi jouse thrift store today it is a good trtle a big one and i also got a dino ornamaent and i got a ptero saur thing alike a plush except it makes noise but it is not a do g toy i dont think because it is plus hand really nice and wow i do sure get off topic fast dont i well um what else do i say oh i guess i ought to talk about being a merc in the scratch writing camp for the first time i feel liek i made hsitoey by eing one of the firs ones to ever do this i think there were eight of us ut one of eight is till pretty good and i know i am making a lit of typod but heart me out this is a run on sentence and i woul not want i t any other way ecau se the only goal in my mind is t owin this hydr a challen and liv w 8p to lthe legacy of tmy past even thoug that time could have been a mistake but i gues we will wfigure it out for good and i do sure feel abd for auto correct because it ti strying to fix this hope less spam as i go and there is no sense that is going to come out of this ramble i literally type about typing this can not possibly get any worse unl sss i straight up keyspam but i refuse to cheat and jut press a over and over and over again until i get 500 word sat thrta point i might as well jsut cop y and past the right amount of wriitng into the box this box to be exact i kind o hesitate d there that was not a good thing but well can not go back and if x that now well ooops i did it again, and that was not supposed to be the song lyric but ioops i did it again i played with your ehart got lost in the game and yeah i can not really remember the rest of the lyrics vut it was a map by moonkitti i think or no it was not a map it wa sjust a pmv i think oh well it has been a while but eah i still rmebeer it i justs aid the wrong word at tfirst ebcuas erni am kind of rushed right now you know

(Writing dare from @lizard-breath: “write about an embarrassing moment one of ur characters had.” I didn't finish, but I assume it still counts.)

“This seems like a good place to stop for the day,” Silver announced, finding a glade that would make a suitable temporary camp. Silver was leading a mission to map some of the eastern forests. Birch wasn’t sure why he was there, honestly. This adventuring business was not his thing. But Silver was his brother, and he had insisted on bringing him along. So now, here he was, his pelt disheveled and his paws sore, desperately wishing he was back home.
Silver continued speaking. “Feather, why don’t us two go out and see what plants there are to eat around here? Meanwhile, Wind and Birch, will you build the nests for today?” Silver looked over to him, smiling encouragingly. Birch sat down like a stone. He had no idea how to build nests. He knew his brother was only trying to make him feel better by giving him something to do. But, Birch supposed, nest duty WAS preferable to gallivanting through these creepy woods.
“Sure, no problem!” Birch responded, trying to sound chipper and unworried.
“Great!” Silver blinked happily. “Well, see you later.” He glanced up to the sky to check the time. Late afternoon. “Probably be back around sunfall.”
Birch nodded. “Okay. Good luck out there!”
“Thanks!” He turned, waving a cheerful farewell with his tail. “C’mon, Feather,” he called to her. The tall, sleek shazarxa bounded to his side and they left, chattering casually about the terrain in this part of the forest.
Birch sighed, taking a moment to pull himself together. However, his little piece of calmness was immediately shattered by Wind rubbing against him teasingly, then tousling his fur with his tail.

Name: Ava
Cabin: Lyric
Content: Weekly #3

LET'S GET IT

Part 1
Topic: Outline the fundamentals of your story
Wordcount: 200/150

I have done this in my special green notebook I keep for this special story. In total, I ranted about how to the character gets affected in around 200 words.

Part 2
Topic: Write an introduction
Wordcount: 333/300

AVA

Between a peice of bread and a paper parchment which held her future, Ava would have chosen the peice of bread.

Not a very Azulnatto-type of thing, of course, but Ava would still betray her clan's ambition and chew on her fresh from the oven bread instead.

It wasn't a very eventful day in Zulla. The log houses were being scraped so that the slight algae would be removed, leaving smooth wood.

The water nymphs glared at the air spirits, daring them to come into the fountain and steal the pennies.

Since Zulla was the third part of Azulnatto, it was the closest to the edge, and the closest to the sea. Ava breathed in the salty air with pleasure as she bit into soft bread with butter in it.

“LOOK, It's the eye color girl!”

Ava turned and gave the person a slightly playful glare and a glimpse of her forever changing eyes.

The climate of Azulnatto was queer. It was at times humid, and at times refreshingly cool. This was because there was a very thin bubble like dome on top of the Azulnatto region. You could barely feel it when you passed through it, but it made you skin slightly icky for a second.

The light in Azulnatto was in vibrant shades because of the bubble dome. Ava's eyes constantly reflected this light from when she was just a small child, and thus nobody could ever know what color her eyes were.

Everyone in Azulnatto didn't ask for hairstyles, because they knew it wouldn't stay for more than 2 days. The climate made their hair basically float or change shape, so Ava decided that a wolf cut without styling would be the best good hair she would get.

She was then pounced on by a girl with red hair.

“ITSUMI!” Ava screeched as her bread rolled form her hands and fell into the sea, almost seeming as if it had waved forlornly to her before plopping into the water.

Part 3
Topic: Write a conflict buildup
Wordcount: 420/300

NIKO

Niko didn't like people. He didn't like Demons. He didn't like any sort of creature which liked to ‘small talk.’

But Niko liked creatures.

Niko was not supposed to like animals. He was supposed to be cruel and bloodthirsty, but instead his favourite activity was sleeping with the bat's, hanging upside down on the trees and napping.

“Niko, come.” His father called, and Niko rolled his eyes, climbing down the tree and walking as slowly as he could to the mansion, ignoring all the people around him. His father's voice revebated through the underworld, meaning EVERYONE could hear his call, and Niki couldn't help but be embarrassed everytime that happened.

Niko was the heir to Droquet. He wished he wasn't. He wished he had been born into the Hikaines. Then maybe he wouldn't get weird stares from other people.

He trudged up the stairs of his house. It may have been his house, but it wasn't his home.

“Yes father?” Niko came in view with a blonde man, a foot taller than him. How his father was blonde and he himself had dark hair, Niko never knew. His father would never speak of his mother.

“There's a scroll regarding you, but before you read it I want you to have a chat with me.” The King put a fresh scroll in Niko's hand. “Come.”

Niko followed his father uncertainly as he led them to the table, making Niko sit before him.

“What you will see in the scroll is something I've not told you of before,” The king admitted. “It also contains your last name. I did not expect you to find it this soon, but the people of Azulnatto have a knack of… Getting under people's skin.”

“What do you mean? You said my last name was See.” Niko frowned in confusion.

“It wasn't a complete lie,” Niko's Father hastily said. “I meant See as in the letter C. Just… Read the letter ok?”

Respected King Of Droquet, we know that you have noticed that we have found the prophecy. One of Azulnatto's children found it in the hidden cave. After using a memory potion on her, our ruler has come to the conclusion that a child from Droquet must be part of the group which will be carrying out the quest. With careful consideration, we would like to recruit your child,

Niko Callous.

Regards,
Jocelyn Zulla, Ruler of Zulla District of Azulnatto.

Part 4
Topic: Write an action scene
Wordcount: 405/400

LEO

It's not everyday your enemy walks into your house and expects you to team up with them.

“WHAT THE HELL IS AN AZULNATTO DOING HERE?!”

Rojonas and Azulnatto had been enemies since… Forever, if that's when the last prophecy ended. They hated eachother, like fire and water, because that's what they were. Fire clan and water clan.

“Listen I don't want to be here either, shut up.” The girl retorted back at Leo causing him to purse his lips and glare at her. “This is MY clan's region!”

“Why are you even here?!” He said, restraining himself from shouting again.
“And why does it concern you?!”

“Ava come along,” Leo caught sight of a taller woman with glasses. “We have to talk to the Queen now.”

“Why are you talking to my aunt? What do you want from her?” Leo suddenly bumped in. He was almost as tall as the woman and only a little taller than Ava, but he still commanded them to speak their reason for being here. He wasn't going to let the Azulnattos next to the Rojonas rulers like last time.

Thr older woman gave a small smile to Leo which slightly lowered his anger. “I understand your concern, but we have sent a letter to her beforehand.”

“That wasn't my question. Why are you talking to her?” Leo crossed his arms, adamant to know why an Azulnatto dared to step in the volcano region.

“Listen fluffy hair boy, I have no idea why you were sitting on the steps like you were acting like a guard, but I'm pretty sure that-”

“I was sitting on the steps because I have no where else to sit alone,” Leo gritted his teeth. “And second, wouldn't you be concerned if your mother got killed by the Azulnattos, and then they come waltzing in to talk to your aunt?”

Leo felt Ava tense as she stopped talking. He felt an odd type of satisfaction when he made her shut up. He didn't usually tell people about his mother, but this Ava girl got on his nerves really fast, and he didn't know why.

“We are here to choose someone special from the Rojonas clan.” The older woman spoke to Leo calmly. “I'm Jocelyn, the ruler of Zulla district in Azulnatto. I swear we are not here to attack or cause any discomfort, and if you want, you can follow us inside to make sure.”

Leo raised an eyebrow as his demeanor slightly softened. “THAT, I will be doing.”

Part 5
Topic: Write a conclusion
Wordcount: 295/200

Ivy didn't want to, surprisingly, say goodbye to the nineteen hundreds.

'But what about your boyfriend-'
“SHUT UP, Seria.”
'BUT HE LIKES YOU AND YOU LIKE HIM.'
“IT DOESN'T MEAN WE CAN DATE!”

“Date who?” Ivy spun around and saw Marcus leaning on the wall and slightly smiling.

* it Marcus, stop looking like that.
'I can hear you, are you not ashamed.'
You should be ashamed that you sent me back in time and made me have a crush on this guy.

“I'm waiting.” Marcus's smile became a small smirk and looked at Ivy with anticipation.

She took a deep breath before approaching him. “How do you, Lydia, and Marcus feel about… Seeing the future?”

Skylar raised his eyebrow. “Won't that change the time flow?”

“People are already dead worrying about me, and we probably stopped a lot of thefts which were supposed to somehow change history in their own ways. I don't think anybody cares at the point.”

“But I still don't think-” Skylar was cut off by someone shouting, “YES, YES, PLEASE TAKE US,” Ivy was pounced on by a specific boy named Marcus hugging her from behind.

“Don't encourage her!” Skylar frowned at Marcus, though Ivy knew that a part of him wanted to go, wanted to stay with her.

“What's wrong with it?” Marcus argued. “I want to stay with Ivy because she's my sister now, and you want to stay with her because you're dat-”

“SHUT UP, MARCUS.” Ivy and Skylar shouted at the same time as The Fairy Queen snickered inside Ivy's head.

“Can you think about it?” Ivy pleaded, looking at Skylar. He was also enforced by Marcus narrowing his eyes and staring at him. “Please.”

“OK,” Skylar's tone softened as Marcus cheered. “I'll think about it.”

.

YOU KNOW I WANT THAT HOoOoOoOoooOME~
YOU KNOW YOU GOT THAT HOOoOooOOoOOOOoME~

Part One:

(this is a book btw so this is just a shortened version) The story starts with a guardian of these powerful jewels and they are based off of different Indian animals and birds and then this guardian protects them with her sister, but her sister doesn’t really get to “protect” them, but she doesn’t seem to find because she is the one finding other people to own these jewels. There is this underground group of villains and they start popping up everywhere so the guardian finds 5 people to keep the main jewels and later as the villains start getting more ruthless and stuff, there will be more heroes. Somewhere in the middle, some of the heroes get corrupted and join the villain side, but later get uncorrupted. The extra heroes that join when there are more villains sometimes get to keep their jewels, but other times they don’t. In the end, the villains gets defeated, but there is some huge cost like one of the main 5 d!e or something like that. The main villain turns out to be the guardian’s sister and she became a villain because of something that happened to them when they were young and she wanted revenge on them or something.

(195 words)

Part Two:

“We’ll get her next time.”
“Next Time?! You should have gotten her last time!”
“S-Sorry.”

“2 times 2 is 4. 2 times 3 is 6.”
“So what is 2 times 5?”
“Uh…”
“It’s 10.”
“OHHHHH!”
“How can you even be the guardian of Infinity if you don’t know your 2 times multiplication tables?”
“Multiplication tables have nothing to do with being the guardian of the Infinity!”
“Uh… sure they don’t, child.”
“Rude!”

Air.
Fire.
Water.
Earth.
Space.

“Akka!”
“What?”
“Are you sure you don't mind not being the guardian of the Infinity?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Because while you are guarding the Infinity, I'll go and find people who can keep the jewels safe and use them,” the voice was a cold one.
“Really?! Then I won't have to worry about losing them?” the voice was a young one who was bright and uplifting.
“Why are you even worrying about that? Your not even the guardian yet!”
A person bent down to the level of the small child, “Child, P- uh- someone is still the guardian and probably will continue to be until you are much older, so stop worrying.”
“Thanks, Akka!”
The older person stands up and walks away and the younger one watches her in admiration.

“Boss, what's going on?”
“We found the guardian of the Infinity. It wasn't that hard to get them to give up being the guardian and now there is a new guardian. Someone much younger…”
“How do you know?”
“Are you challenging me?!”
“N-no. I'm just curious.”
“One of my spies heard the previous guardian speaking about their next choice and that person is a young girl.”
“So you want to eliminate her?”
“Absolutely Not!” the voice of the boss was a terrifying one and the other person who stood in front of them shivered. “We just make her bring the jewels out to other people who are also probably young and then we get the jewels!”
“I'll prepare our fighters.”
“Good.”
The boss stands up and waits for the person to leave before going over to a picture on the wall where the two girls from earlier are standing with their parents. The person draws an x over the older sister's face and circles the younger one's face and puts exclamation marks on the parents' faces.

(382 words)

Part Three:

“Boss!”
“What.” The voice slices through silence as easily as paper cuts through scissors.
“Well, we found that the guardian has someone helping her…”
“Ok, so?”
“I thought you wanted to know. And that person is older.”
“Ok.”
“Won't it ruin your plan at all?”
“Not at all.”
“Huh?”
“Dismissed.”
The second person runs out of the dimly lit room and the boss walks over to the picture again and smirks. Back at the table, the older sister's name is crossed out and the word ‘Corrupted’ is written under it.
She works for us now.

The older sister sits at the table and broods over everything that happened in the last few days.
Her sister became the guardian and the villains are trying to control her, which she can't do anything about except stay away from them, because only when they are near does she fall under their control, and her grandmother's friend d!ed.
“Akka?”
“Tanisha?”
“You said I wouldn't become the guardian so soon!”
“I… I know. But I'll help you find some potential holders incase the villains are planning to bring out their fighters soon because of this.”
“Tani, Maya! Come see the news!”
The two girls walk into the living room and look at the TV where a person is standing in the middle of the street and holding two people inside glowing golden light balls.
“Gina! This is so unfair!” Tanisha sinks down onto the ground and Maya places a hand onto her shoulder and whispers, “Find heroes and heroines.”

“Boss?” the figure from earlier stand in front of them.
“Yes?” The boss turns around and gives the figure a look, their silver eyes scaring the figure.
“Why did you send me to grab two random people and then let people on the news see me and then let the police make me let go of the people and then run back here?”
“To make the guardian find people to use the jewels.”
“Oh.”
“Any other useless questions?”
“N-no. I'll leave now.”
“Good.”

Tanisha looks at the bracelet on her arm and closes her eyes and imagine it becoming her protection. It expands and covers her body as an armor and she takes the bracelet and switches onto her other arm and vanishes. With her, she takes 5 small boxes and her sister waves and then the moment Tanisha vanishes, Maya's smile vanishes and is replaced with a frown.

When Tanisha returns, the 5 boxes are no longer with her and the bracelet has returned back to its bracelet form.


(425 words)

Part Four:

5 people stood behind a wall staring at each other.
“There is something familiar about the rest of you…” The one wearing a red suit spoke.
“Same.” The one wearing blue spoke.
Tanisha appeared from thin air, still in her armor, “I'll explain.”
They gasped.
“You are the 5 people who have been chosen to fight the villains. Each one of you hold one of the 5 elements of India. Now these Villains want your jewel. If they possess all 5, they will hold the power of Infinity.”
“What's that?” the one in a greenish suit asked.
“I'm not sure yet, but I know it is powerful, so you need to work together to fight whatever villain comes up. Don't k!ll them, but every villain has a kind of brooch or something, which you need to take away from them. That is how the villain controls them or something like that.”
“Uh… you don't seem like you know what you're doing.” the one in a black suit said.
“I don't,” Tanisha admitted. “But, you'll figure it out as you go.”
“Uh… I really don't like this.” the one in a silver suit said.
“Fine. But if you don't like what you do after this fight, come find me behind this wall.”
They nodded, but before they left, Tanisha stopped them.
“You're going to need codenames and the different powers are yours to find out.”
The people stopped to think for a minute and then spoke.
“I'm Agni…” the one in red spoke.
“I'm… Vayu” the one in silver said.
“I'm Bhoomi.” the one in green said.
“I'm Varuna.” the one in blue said.
“And.. I think… my name is going to be Chandra.” the one in black said.
They ran out from behind the wall as Tanisha vanished once more and they ran towards the villain.

(306 words)

Part Five:

It had been a few months of fighting these random villains that came up every so often. They still didn't understand how their Infinity jewels worked since, they automatically transformed whenever they were hiding somewhere and there was a villain around. Sometimes Tanisha would come out to give them lessons on unlocking their hidden powers, we@pons, and special abilities, but until then, they would just have to fight using what they already knew.
“Mystic? Why can't we know who is under the magic?”
Tanisha sighed, “Bhoomi, you can as soon as you unlock your magic. Then you can see through the magic of the Infinity. All that the Infinity does is change your look a little, but the magic makes it seem like the person under the magic is a complete stranger.”
“Oh.”
Mystic suddenly vanished and reappeared, but her armor started to shrink back into her bracelet and the other 5 gasped about how she was only a small 8 year old.
“TANISHA?!”
She glared at the Boss and aimed a punch at them but it did nothing to them.
They picked her up and placed her in the corner and then looked over at the 5 who were glaring angrily at them.
“This is the end for you Villain!” Varuna exclaimed.
“I wouldn't think so.”
“Huh?”
The 5 charged at the Boss who neatly sidestepped and they all fell onto the ground. They pulled out their we@pon. Rope. Then tied them up.
“What are you going to do? Take our Infinities?!” Agni asked.
“No.” They then blindfolded the 5 and walked over to Tanisha who didn't show any fear. “Look, I need your help.”
“What?”
The boss took of their mask and revealed that it was her sister.
“Akka?”
“I got angry 5 years ago - when you were 3. You were already named the guardian and I wanted to be the guardian, but I hid everything in me, but one day this other villain found me and brought out the darkness that I was hiding, and now it's taking over!”
Tanisha hugged her and Maya gasped as the dark came out into another person and the ropes came off, since Maya no longer wanted them on the 5. They attacked the Boss and made her vanish into nothingness.

(380 words)

total: 1688 words

First of all, I love how you start the piece- it immediately intrigues the reader and creates the suspense needed. The short sentences get straight to the point and increase tension as it continues- they also emphasise that he is dreaming.

Some of my favourite lines were: 'This was wrong,' and 'What was wrong with them?' These thoughts mirror his confusion and shows the reader that the lack of his mother's hug, his father's words and Odin's smile is something strange and unnatural.

Where it says: '“Mom?” Loki frowned, staring at her cold eyes.' I think 'Loki frowned, staring at her cold eyes' should be made into a separate paragraph below.

When you're describing his interaction with his mother, after it says: 'Loki knew what that meant' it might be more powerful to describe his feeling of failure, for example by saying something like ‘His heart dropped at the expression on her face.’

Also, you could add more descriptions of his emotions after it says: 'Stumbling, he fell before them,’ possibly describing his shock and fear a little more, so making it easier for the reader to imagine and understand his feelings.

Where it says: 'He simply stared down on him. Those judgemental eyes seemed to bore into his soul. He looked away,' it might be good to clarify that Loki looked away, just so that readers aren't confused.

I absolutely love the way you started and ended it, reference to the darkness really made it symbolic. The list that you described, 'His mother without a hug. His father without a word. Odin without a smile,’ was really impactful and that was one of my favourite parts.

My favourite lines from the whole thing were: ’No familiar smile split the darkness’ and ’He closed his eyes to the dream.’ You did an amazing job with this piece and you should be really proud of it!

Remember to take my critique with a pinch of salt and you may prefer to not include some of my feedback which is perfectly fine. Overall, it was really impactful and many of the lines were extremely insightful which I love. Great job! <3

Weekly 3/4 2094 words with the plan, 1720 words without
+not beta read

Basic story plan

This was 374 words, but it's omitted. Proof was not required, so.

Introduction/Exposition

The dank streets which loomed before her were relentlessly unforgiving; the patched-up lights streaking from overshadowed corners were taunting, as they were unable to light up the whole sky; the incessant screeching of car tyres decorating the freezing, dreary night drove the raindrops to speechlessness as they were weeping in vain. Yet, a girl- as tough as the rocks in her fist- persevered through the implacable swathes of rejection from the scenario unfolding in the night.

Remy- however- was strong. She held her head high as she strode past the various stalls selling all sorts of trinkets at her sides, clutching the small tips her parents had lent her that morning in a vacant hand. The city skyline trembled at the replies of the girl’s shoes’ pitter patter into the misty pools of water at every cranny she stumbled upon, which was wholly deserved: Remy was a tough cookie to crack.

Nonetheless, she persevered. It wouldn’t be long until midnight would fall on the taunting, heartless streets, dotted with cars that scattered about like a scared school of fish running away from something they couldn’t always run from. To Remy, the cars were headless idiots, unable to realise true perseverance with ablaze her legs as she pummelled through the rainy night on her own two feet, striding confidently and consistently to the cars’ cacophonic screeching at her sides. Hilarious.

Remy only had one goal during her venture: get home. She had been out for far too long in the miserable summer heat, with the initial goal of spending a few bucks here, there and afar, before rerouting her steps and taking the last bus home. She wanted a day out to herself, and chiefly used the day to do as she pleased as a consequence: visiting the auction house, getting a hairdo, buying lavish furniture, and getting her fortune! Yet, after spending too long where she shouldn’t have been, a blaring marquee with show after show to invigorate her long-concealed childish energy, she missed the bus. Now, she was here.

The flickering of a nearby lightbulb perused Remy’s mind, causing her to consume a banging headache almost immediately. Gritting her teeth, she still persisted, unwilling to succumb to the calls of her weeping body which lay beneath her. Who the heck cares about this body, anyway: Remy needed to get home.

Without a moment to lose, she channelled ahead like a crashing wave up persisting, discordant shores.

Rising limb/Introducing conflict

Suddenly, a small light appeared in the nearby alleyway. A smirk decorated a jolly vendor’s face as he strode right towards the unassuming, headstrong girl, with a look of persistence and admiration and joyful intentions plastered into his countenance, making the girl certainly uneasy, but the vendor hadn’t the heart to care.

He strode up to her bashful face.

“Greetings, cousin! Long trip, eh?”

Remy wasn’t that much of a talker, albeit persistent. She tried to wedge a way through the vendor’s barrier of words, but struggled to do so without full effort or force; Remy was tired, so gave up to the strength of the walls pretty quickly.

“…Yeah.”

“Well, that’s no shame in the presence of our family!” the vendor cheered, unable to back away from the girl’s expression, “I’m the energetic and jolly Crazy Redd! Come into the warmth of our little family shop and bang- all the goods of the world would be at your hands! How wonderful of a bargain d’ya think that is, hm?”

Remy said nothing. Instead, she uneasily grasped onto her sides, unwilling to let go. The vendor (Redd?) was terrifying her- as his upbeat, jovial laughter reminded her of the bullies she used to face as a kid. To think he was supposed to be kind and generous to passing travels was almost a risible illusion.

“Ay, cuz, you listenin’?” he snapped back, knocking Remy out of her trance of reminiscence. She needed to stop zoning out like that…

Crazy Redd spoke up once again.

“Like aforementioned, it’s a real treasure to be part of the Crazy Redd family! All sorts of bargains and trinkets are right at your fingertips, here for me to sell to you! It’s incredible, hm? Come, come, let’s show you the wares…”

Remy hesitated as she followed through. The welcome mat was a little unkempt, synonymous with Redd’s soft orange hair- bedraggled by the rainstorm.

He pointed immediately to an old painting. The subject of the painting was a seemingly prideful woman, an upturned lip with beckoning eyes, with a blue headband containing a long golden tassel, and coruscatingly pale white earrings. She looked… unhappy- Redd’s immediate antithesis.

“Look at this! This one’s been lying about for some time, urging me for a new home…” he sighed, murmuring as the story seemed to be coming back to him, “…We received a customer just a few days back, one of our favourite cousins- a big fan of some of the tupperware we’ve had on sale… but alas! He bartered and bartered, but I- Crazy Redd- couldn’t let him take it! He had already bought another piece of art, you see, and he simply could not have it! But you, cousin…”

A smirk danced in Redd’s deep brown eyes, the sudden tint of being ablaze.

“For only 4000 bells, you can make it yours!” he cackled, “Discounted for you, my favourite cousin, a beautiful artwork could easily be yours!”

Climax

Remy knew this deal was a fraud. She wasn’t a flaming idiot. Offering some patched up artwork for a ridiculous price like that? Uncanny. Horrendous. Absolutely preposterous. To stoop so low as to accept this ‘premium’ offer was almost similar to walking up to the police and asking to be handcuffed. Like, what the heck? Why would she ever take that stupid flipping offer?

Yet, since this wasn’t any old girl Redd was dealing with, Remy decided to make herself known to the horrific eyes of the sweet and generous family owner who welcomed her into his own home. This son of a gun needed to be stopped, and she would do everything to ensure this happened as soon as could be.

Immediately, she grabbed the back of his soft orange hair, and flung him into a wall. This caused Redd to cry out in anguish, but she hadn’t the heart to care for someone so painless; he was about to sell a flipping forged painting to her for heaven’s sake! Why would she have any reason to be calm with him in her sight?

Redd tried to swing back, but Remy ducked low. She rose up and hit him in the face at once, slapping him so slow as to let Redd grab her arm and take control so quickly. Remy wouldn’t have it, yanking her hand out of the grasp by twisting the hand around it, and then pulling herself back- giving her the opportunity to kick him and cause him to trip over.

That’s not all. As Redd was about to be thrashed into the ground, he spun his leg around Remy’s to lock her into a position to knock her from her balance too, which was hideous! She squirmed in pain, but Redd knocked her down, grabbing his arms around her neck immediately to strangle her in a chokehold.

Yet, this was Remy he was fighting. He had forgotten who his opponent was so fast, didn’t he?

Remy leant her head back, and hit Redd in the face; at the same time, she thrusted herself upward and jumped out of the chokehold as the leeway between Redd’s hands and her neck was so much larger after he’d lost his balance. In an instant, Remy then grabbed her belongings and glared at the doorway with an agitated urge to get the heck out of this place, with a compounded spite at the jeering vendor who tried to take control of her undeniable pride.

Yet, a whisper came from below, in a shallow cry.

“C-Cousin… you couldn’t…”

The meagre attempt at emotional restraint was hilarious to the girl. She cackled to herself at once, and raced out without another word. That farcical jerk.

Ending/Denouement (+ falling limb)

Entering into the misty air of the nearby city was almost eternal bliss for the agitated young girl. Remy was furious as she stamped into the nearby puddles which seeped about, and strode defiantly past the strangers which ignored her while laughing to their own tangents, but- at the least- she was glad with where she was.

She missed the bus, sure, but she didn’t lose her legs. Therefore, as Remy powered through the blaring grove, she didn’t regret her actions in the slightest. She was alight with rage, powering and pulsating, not even stopping to admire the scenery and intricate designs of the corner shops scattered around the plaza; the only thing Remy wanted in her current state was home.

Yet…

A short glance beyond a nearby house led to the revelation of an alleyway. Even though she knew not to trust suspicious locations like the one right before her eyes, it had a prevalent air which alluded her bit by bit: be it the salty air from the rain on metal, be it the clamour of various residents waiting in the wings… It was interesting, and she decided to take a well calculated detour.

The alleyway stretched on, persistent to keep extending away from the girl’s grasp… but she was tough, and she prevailed. Her legs ached from both the kicking and punching that’d occurred back in Redd’s store, but also the long walk- and the energy she had incited within every step of the foot. However, this was a simple feat, and a feat she looked forward to too.

The lights beamed from every direction as she convulsed herself in her new surroundings, glancing around at the new location. Hundreds of people swarming towards a line, billboards ablaze with various yellows and golds, yelling individuals behind desks orchestrating the crowd to their locations, and a bright red symbol hung above the area: a circle with a line straight through the middle.

Upon glancing at her surroundings, Remy paused, before being invigorated with such joy at long last; Remy had arrived at the train station.

Finally, as it seemed, she wouldn’t have to strain for the journey home in the rest of the emerging night.

character bio cabin wars rat leader

______ (classified) Rat Leader is a human. Although human, she's the child of king and queen rats Horace and Eugenie. How she was birthed/adopted by them is unknown and will never be known. Nonetheless, she looks upon them as parental figures. In fact, all of rat kind is her family. She believes strongly in the Rat Revolution, which is the uproar of rats against humans. She wants to suck the blood of humans for they have taken the lives of many of her kind, using things like traps, mops, and even squeezing her friends to death. She is anti-human. She is courageous and brave, but has a soft spot for her rats, making her vulnerable. Her personality is rats. She wants nothing to do with humanity (unless they are also a pro rat-er). She can say the word rat in every language possible. She's cool. Her fashion style is streetwear-punk. She has black hair which is put into two ponytails (the bands being made of human leather (don't ask)) and pale skin, with a dusting of freckles. She likes pungent smells and screaming.


@sandy-dunes character (sorry this sucks i was rushing TT)

Mazxkzlkdlsdksdthing Sandy ok cabin warz

I watch my friend and his partner shoot the short but swift pistols at the round targets. Father recently signed me up for combat, and although I’d rather not be here, I must– to make him and the country proud. And myself. I hate target practice. My chin always quivers, my legs shake, and the stupid gun always drops from my sweaty palms. Mom didn’t want me to go, but who can argue with father?
“Max, your little wussy boy is having trouble hitting the target!”
David, laughing like his usual psychological self, kicks James in the stomach before placing his foot on his back. I see James tearing up. Some people have it worse than I do. Because some people cry. I don’t cry. I ignore, but it’s not always effective. But I don’t ignore my friends.
“Hey, quit it bro. It’s not funny.”
Cackling, David takes his foot off of James and watches tears run down his cheeks. “What a baby.”
I’ve had enough. “Shut the heck up David.”
“Whaddya gonna do about it, loser boy?”
I hold James’s bruised fingers and whisper something to him.
“I won’t let this dirtwad hurt you again,” I promise.
Walking over to David, I speak clearly. “The only loser boy is you. It’s so sad that you’re so inecure about yourself that you do this to people. I pity you.”
David looks at me with a face of embarrassment, then indignation. “WHO ARE YOU CALLING A LOSER BOY, YA LITTLE POOP???”
I smirk. “Guess you don’t know words. You, obviously, idiot. Get a life man.”
James gets on his feet and I escort him to the nurse, leaving a red eyed, angry David. Serves him right.
“Thanks Max.”
“I don’t let jerks near my friends. I won’t let him ruin your life.”
James smiles and continues walking with me.

july 22nd - critique
409 words

I promise you, this was truly a beautiful piece and I loved it with all my heart <3 I enjoyed how you focused on the friendship of Jenn and Beck in such a way where you both showed and told. The thing that I found the best was the way you sorted Beck's thoughts to be realistic, you could tell she really wanted to change Jenn's feelings/choice. The only thing is, if it were me, I would add more emotion to a few of the places. I said this below, but a broken friendship would be more dramatic and emotional, especially if it's your best friend. That's just a small thing I think would make your piece better than it already is. You're a great writer, thank you so much for allowing me to critique this piece. Good luck with the writing competition!!

What do you do when you're about to lose someone? Do you let them go? Or do you chase them? Which one is the right thing to do? You love them so much that you respect their decision to leave? Or do you go after them, hoping they'll change their mind? I had no idea at the moment, but if I think back, could I get the answer?

if you're really questioning the readers, you could say “what are you supposed to do if/when..” as they have to imagine the scenario really happening. the structure may be different, but for example, if you're about to lose someone, you'll be in pain. you'll be heartbroken, unsure of what's going to happen, etc. — you can't really just casually say “okay, so what do you do” (if this makes sense).

“Why did you even come here, then?” I asked. I couldn’t understand why our friendship was falling apart, and that hurted. But it was worse knowing I was the only one hoping things could work. “You knew I invited you to fix our friendship, if you didn’t plan on doing that, why did you bother?”

Experiencing many breakups between friends myself, especially after having a friendship of multiple years, you'll be way more emotional. Think of your best friend(s) who has been on your side for literally ever suddenly decides to move across the globe. I understand its a bit complicated here for them both, but for example, perhaps you can say “What was the point of coming back!?” I exclaimed, my hand slamming against the table. Tears strolled down my cheek and my voice began to shake. “Why would you even bother when you knew the reason I invited you was to fix our friendship,” and then based off your writing style, you could be like “what a best friend she was.” and think of it as betrayal?

"Because I care for you, and I didn’t want you to suffer while I slowly shifted away. I really hope you can understand that.”

the “for you” after saying she cares isn't really necessary. also, for it be a bit more ‘dramatic’, you can have “I dont want you to suffer..” as a new sentence. last thing— I think drifted would suit, better than shifted.

I could not understand.

again, for it to be ‘dramatic’, you can use “couldn't” instead, and then italic it?? that's just something I would do personally, but it's also fine as it is!

Jenn walked out of the restaurant and said bye. I just looked at her.

more emotion needed?

Weekly 3
I finished it ahaaaa (I got carried away and need help)
Total 3815 words
TW: FIRE AND EXPLOSIONS, BLOOD AND INJURY, it gets quite dark at the end ngl sorry
Part 1 - Planning
Characters:
Max Orwell (Protagonist) - Teen employed as spy, a lot like Alex Rider
Dr. Rogers (Antagonist) - Based on Oblivion - Queue-Line Videos and The Demon Headmaster
Random Girl he trips over - Not really relevant ;w;
Setting:
Introduction will be set in a top secret underground conference room, not specified where.
Alton Towers - the climax will be set in a secret scientific lab called secret weapon 4 (Linked to theme park’s official lore) beneath Oblivion, with an industrial theme, the sort of thing you’d find in Alex Rider. There are tunnels connecting the lab to the abandoned manor, which houses a smaller side project, not really relevant to the storyline.
Climax 2 will be set in the castle ruins- they aren’t far from oblivion, and there will be a scene in the top tower. They are stone ruins with lots of interior spaces, all derelict
The rest will be set in various places around the park, one scene under some trees near congo river rapids.
Plot:
Max is given the task of investigating Oblivion, they feel it’s a delicate operation and he will blend in well, they are particularly interested in a professor who recently started a job there
Goes to Alton Towers, blends in with crowds, rides oblivion early in morning to avoid long queues,
Task of breaking into main office and looking at files, so he begins walking there
Max feels he’s being watched
Keeps seeing the same man in the crowds, not a coincidence.
Man is following him, he begins trying to run and trips over
It’s too late; the man catches up with him, and since he has a nosebleed, offers to help, and all looks good to the crowd surrounding, but in reality he’s sorta kidnapping Max and taking him to the lab (max was being tracked)
His nosebleed is cleaned up, he is stripped of /most/ of his belongings and he is left in a room alone
Alerts them that there is something serious up with oblivion (clever device that the guys missed when they were searching him, idk), they are sending people over to deal with it
He escapes and finds tunnel, begins moving down it, tunnel ends amongst the castle ruins, silent alarm has been set off
There is a chase scene round the castle, guns, smoke bombs, loose stairs, etc. Ends at the top of the tower, just Max and Rogers remain
There is no professor, just Dr Rogers, who created the story as a disguise
He reveals everything to Max, about the lab and lethal disease/global hostage situation he had been creating, then gives 2 options, joining him or death by falling off the tower (He’s got a gun)
Rogers falls off the tower, dies, shot down by a sniper in a helicopter, who then rescues Max, who is forced to tell them everything.
Guilt, aftermath, all that jazz
The end.
Explanation is that any secret operation can happen since it’s a theme park and visitors will believe anything, like with the helicopter, people though that was just showing off or something small
Part 2 - Introduction
The steady stream of freezing cold water poured over Max Orwell’s head, as he stood wearily in the shower. He needed to think; so much had happened in the last few days. He tried to gather the events that had led him here, to this strange estate in the middle of nowhere. The falling water, chilling him to the bone, jogged his memory.
He had been walking home from school in the rain, maybe two or three days ago, when he was suddenly snatched by rough hands from the street and bundled into a van. He was shocked, but he tried feebly to fight back. He was quite skilled, athletic and wiry, but was no match for his opponents.
He woke up in his bedroom at home- but there were some things missing. His posters were gone and the bedding was different. When he woke up, he went to the window- this wasn’t his bedroom. He was looking out not onto a quiet suburban road in London, but over foggy moors in the early morning. This wasn’t London.
Max stood there for a minute, gathering his thoughts, then reached for his phone in the inner pocket of his coat. He needed to contact his older brother Zac, his closest relative and guardian. It wasn’t there. When he pulled his hand out he was holding a piece of paper which definitely hadn’t been there before. He opened it and read:
10.30 am. We’ll explain everything. Z.
This had left Max with more questions than answers. He checked his watch. 9 am. One and a half hours to kill.
So, here he was, standing in the cold shower in the en suite of his replica bedroom. It was 10 am. He had a while to mull things over. He had spent some time making himself at home in the room, and thinking about the paper in his pocket. It had been signed by Zac, but clearly wasn’t his handwriting. And anyway, what did Zac have to do with his untimely kidnapping and him waking up in the middle of nowhere? Max hoped it was some kind of elaborate prank. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that this was something more serious.
10.20 am. He changed into a black t-shirt and old jeans he had found in the wardrobe. They were the same as the ones he owned, but they felt newer and not quite right. Then again, nothing about Max’s situation was quite right.
10.30 am. A voice sounded from a speaker somewhere. Could Max Orwell please report to R-19. Max’s first thought was, No, absolutely not. He had tried the door. It was locked. He had tried the window; locked too, and made of something stronger than normal glass. He looked around him, at a complete loss over what to do.
Part 3 - Introduce conflict
The door clicked open behind him. He turned to face it, seeing a lift-like metal box; tarnished, no buttons, sliding door, no escape. He moved to stand in front of the door, and looked around the lift, unsure whether stepping into it was a good idea. He lingered in the threshold of the door for a minute, then a prickly pain spread from the small of his back, up to his neck, threatening to grip his head. The pain wasn’t unbearable, but it felt like a threat of worse. Max stepped nervously into the lift, and suddenly the pain went away. Like an animal, he thought. I’m being treated like a dog being taught to do tricks. He then thought, If I’m the dog, who’s the master? His question was soon answered. As soon as his body was within the lift, the door closed swiftly behind him and he felt it moving downwards. Max turned towards the back wall, a floor to ceiling mirror, and examined himself. He tried to neaten his hair slightly; he wasn’t sure why; but it was untameable, and little brown tufts always stuck out in odd directions.
Without warning, the mirror in front of him parted to reveal a long desk and a man sitting at the end of it. Max froze. He slowly took his hands down from his hair and simply stared. The man gestured for him to take a seat. He was slim and had a stony grey expression, and creases were just beginning to appear on his face. When Max had sat down, he said,
“Good morning Max. My name is Mr. Foxe. I have a job to ask of you.”
“Where am I?” demanded Max.
“All in good time,” said Foxe, “You’ll be glad to hear that I’ve turned off the static connected to your back, for now at least. Tea? ” A man had moved silently behind Max, holding a silver tray.
“No thank you,” Max replied. He tried again, “Where am I?”
“I can see you’re quite confused. That’s not a problem… Maybe this will help.” A hole opened in one of the walls; which was completely blank; and out of it stepped Max’s brother,
“Zac!” Max exclaimed as he jumped up in surprise, but he soon settled again, and his shock became anger.
“Zac? What are you doing here? Was this you? Tell me! What’s going on?” Zac was the only person Max could fully trust, and even now he was doubting his own brother.
“Max, look. I’m sorry that this is all happening so suddenly; I tried to tell Foxe to let me bring you here myself, and explain everything to you another way, but he wouldn’t listen,” Zac looked at the man resentfully. “And, do you remember Max, the times I had to go away, and I wouldn’t tell you why? I was with these people, working for them.”
Max was startled, but still wasn’t satisfied with Zac’s explanation.
“So who are they? These people?” He asked.
“They’re MI5.”

It was this conversation which led Max to be on his way to Alton Towers five weeks later, in a dark inconspicuous vehicle. Within these five weeks, Max had learned everything he could about his task: Oblivion. This famous ride had struck the interest of Foxe’s people, and was being secretly scrutinised from all angles by numerous spies. So far, they had come back with very little information, but Foxe was convinced that something was happening behind the scenes. He wanted Max for this mission; he was a fresh pair of eyes, a new recruit, and since Zac was already working with them, he was bound to start working for them at some point. Max had first undertaken an intense course, teaching him how to deal with danger. He was already quite good at this, with his sharp senses and athletic skills. He was then given gadgets. They weren’t quite what he expected; he was given a tiny nokia, specially designed as an entirely secure way of contacting Foxe’s team - it would also self-destruct spectacularly when the snake game application was opened. He was also given a pen containing a tiny camera, used for taking pictures and sending them on. Of course, these were both carefully constructed to avoid detection and remain hidden. The final part of Max’s preparation was research. He learnt every detail of the theme park, and he scoured every file on it the Foxe would let him see.
And now, finally, he was here. The car took him to his hotel; he would spend three nights there, allowing two days of investigation, in which time he would be entirely on his own. This whole time, Max had tried to steady himself, but he was still deeply anxious and unwilling to go through with their plan. Unfortunately, he had said yes in a rush, not wanting to disappoint Zac, and shocked by the world of danger and business he had suddenly been flung into, had agreed to help them.
Oh well, he thought, now I’m here, I may as well enjoy myself. He spent the first half day checking out the rides with his unlimited, no-questions-asked fast-track pass, and simply texted Foxe:
nothing found. what do I do?
Part 4 - Climax
They gave him a new task: break into the main office. There he would attempt to find Oblivion’s files and send photographs on. He had, of course, now ridden on Oblivion, and to his eyes, there was nothing out of the ordinary. It was a fantastic ride, with a clear narrative, and the main feature; the drop; was terrifyingly exhilarating. He noted a video for the queue line which showed a man explaining the ride in a condescending manner.
Max mulled over his task when he was in his room. He knew the staff work times by heart, including lunch break. That would be his time to strike.

It was 12.10pm the next morning when Max was walking along a tree lined pathway, next to the congo river rapids. He was now headed for the staff offices. He knew his task, his goal; nothing could go wrong. Yet he couldn’t shake the feeling of being followed. Every now and then he looked over his shoulder; not too often, he didn’t want to look suspicious. He didn’t want to allow panic to build up inside him, but he couldn’t help looking. Near the Wicker Man, one of the busiest parts of the park, he snatched a glance, and subsequently found himself face down on the pavement. He had tripped.
“Oh my god I’m so sorry! Are you OK? No, you’re bleeding!” he felt someone helping him up. Max had this horrible, unexplainable feeling in the pit of his stomach that everything was about to go wrong. He slowly stood up again to face the person who was trying to help him. She was a girl about his own age, with a guilty and anxious look in her pale green eyes.
“Your nose..” she muttered worriedly. Max put his hand to his nose, and it came away red. All that mattered right now was getting away-
It was too late.
A man had come up behind him in Alton Towers staff uniform.
“I’ll take him for you,” the man said, “come, Mr. Orwell, let’s get you cleaned up.” He took Max’s arm and began pulling him away. Max tried to stay put, but it was no use. The girl said,
“Oh, thank you,” then turned to Max and said, “I’m sorry.”
“Olive!” her friends called out to her. Feeling she should say more, Olive looked uncertainly from Max to her friends, then walked away timidly. There goes my last hope of everything being ok, he thought ruefully, as the man dragged him away. He hadn’t quite given up yet though. He could feel his Nokia against his leg, hidden inside a secret inside pocket stitched specially into his shorts. Max prayed he wouldn’t have the sense to take it from him. The man’s grip on his arm was like steel as he led him towards a van, hidden in an alleyway.
“Get in.” There was a large box in the van, just big enough for a person. Max tried to struggle; he was panicking, but before he could do anything, there was a prick in his arm and he was out cold.
He woke up in a cell. He had no idea how long he had been there for, he didn’t know where he was, and he didn’t know what was going to happen now. Before he knew it, his instincts kicked in and he was on his feet. He then fell back to the ground with dizziness, bruising his head on the concrete floor. He got up slowly, groaning, and looked about him. For gaps, weak areas in the room’s security. He didn’t talk, he was probably bugged, or being watched. The door was like a safe, no getting in or out of that. Air vents. They had to keep him breathing somehow. There was a vent near the top of a wall, with a worn looking metal grid. He tried it; locked tight, of course.
But that wasn’t a problem. Max had a plan. He could still feel the tiny Nokia. Good. It was still there. He took it out and held it in his hand, feeling its weight. Going through with the plan would sever all contact he had with Foxe, since the pen had been lost or taken by the man. He decided to send a plea to them first:
they caught me, am in a cell somewhere, send help
As he pressed send, hoping that the message had not been intercepted, he opened the snake game and placed it between the bars of the air vent’s grate. He shrank into the corner of the room, and waited. The sound came with no warning. The explosion was small but powerful in the enclosed space. There was a flash of white, and a noise too loud to bear. As it dissipated, Max found that only one ear seemed to be picking up sound. The other felt as if it were numb, or underwater.
Anyway, he had no time to lose- they were probably onto him now. He squeezed through into a steel tunnel with only just enough room to crawl. Max didn’t usually feel claustrophobia, but the idea of metal in front and behind him, no escape, literal tunnel vision, it all made him a bit sick. He scrambled frantically through the tunnels, delighted when he found an exit. He was slightly delirious with joy, and didn’t bother to check the corridor was empty before tumbling headlong into the blank white space. He stood immediately, and found himself in a much larger, cooler tunnel. He was alone.
Red lights began to flash silently above Max’s head, but the fact they made no sound made them more sinister. He gambled and ran left down the tunnel, only to find it was a dead end. He punched the wall in frustration. This was it. The end of the tunnel. Literally. The space where he had punched formed a rectangular door which slid gracefully open to reveal bright blue daylight. Max made a run for it, and found himself inside Alton Manor’s ruins. There was sky above him, stone around him. No exits. There was just one staircase ahead of him. The only way was up. He leaped up the stairs, desperate to escape the tunnels. He hadn’t noticed the camera tracking his movements, or the armed drones which trailed him silently. He reached the top of the staircase, came to an archway, and ran inside. He raced through halls, hallways, kitchens, bedrooms, drawing rooms, all abandoned. He needed to go up. It was when he was climbing a third set of stairs that he began hearing the crack of bullets. He had been followed the whole time, but his broken ear had deadened his senses considerably. Max picked up his pace, hearing metal ricocheting off the walls behind him. He ran into what looked like it was once a storage room. The shooting stopped. The drones didn’t need to go in there. On his first step, a trap had been triggered. Five seconds later, a fuse was lit and the room burst into flames. Tables, chairs, barrels, everything, Max had failed to notice, had been doused in petrol. His surprise stopped him from running. He couldn’t see a door ahead of him. He couldn’t go back; he would get sliced to pieces by bullets. His skin burned in the heat of the flames, his lungs stung with the sharp stabs of smoke that Max was breathing in. His eyes streamed with tears as he looked around in desperation. In the end, he saw two things, a window and a balcony. He jumped through the window, smashed the glass, and tumbled in through the air onto the hard cold floor of the balcony. His clothes were scorched and torn, his ear was bleeding from the inside
Part 5 - Conclusion
Max looked up, saw a helicopter. There had been no sound as Rogers fell lifeless to the ground below him. He was picked up from exactly where he was standing, lifted with a harness into the air. He sat still, senseless, numb as he was carried far away from danger to the nearest hospital. There, he had his burst eardrum fixed, and his cuts and burns treated. It was all over as soon as it had started. Zac came to visit him a day later.
“Hey, bud, you did good. And look, fifty thousand has magically appeared in your bank account. Well done. We can take a break now, not do much for a while.” Max liked the sound of that.
Foxe came later that day, which soured Max’s mood considerably.
“Good afternoon, Max.”
“Easy for you to say,” Max mumbled under his breath.
“Thank you for helping us - I know this may have gotten a bit out of hand, but don’t worry, everything is taken care of. It’s over. Anyway, you handled the situation rather well, and we’d like to congratulate you by giving you your life back. It goes without saying that you mention not a word of this to anyone, ever, but we’ve given you enough money to last you and your brother for a while, or until we find a new job for Zac.”
“Mr Foxe,” Max began, “I don’t like any of this. I wish I had never done this, and I want you and your people to stay away from me and Zac forever.” Foxe smirked.
“Oh Max, maybe you’ll understand one day,” and with that cryptic comment, he left.

July 22nd - Critique
229 words

A large red spot gleamed in the sky.

There needs to be a comma (,) after ‘large’. Here, you can also include some more description of the rest of the sky, etc. (eg. a large, circular spot of red gleamed in the sky, quantities of bright, shining stars surrounding. Lucky enough, even a shooting star flew right past.)

Marcus sighed, as he looked up the sky upon Jupiter.

No need for the comma (,) after ‘sighed’.

Jupiter is the god of thunder and the god of gods, this was believed by all Romans.

If the rest of the story is in past tense, you need to maintain that. the proper grammar would be “Jupiter was the God of thunder, the Gods among all. Or, At least the Romans thought so.” — The letter G in ‘ God’ has to be capitalised as well.

He was so absorbed in his thoughts he didn’t even look when somebody lied down on the grass next to him.

There's no need for marcus to look. All he has to do is realize. ex: “He was so absorbed in his thoughts, distracted enough to realise someone else had layed down on the patch of grass next to him.”

By the first sentence the newcomer said it was fairly obvious who it was.

Needs to be a comma (,) after ‘said’.

It was Augustus, his best friend who lives in the future but often travels back in time so they can meet.

Once again, you need to maintain the last tense. He may be from the future, but that shouldn't mean anything. The sentence hould be “It was Augustus, the best friend of Marcus who lived in the future, often travelling back in time so the two could meet.”

“but it’s night!” Interrupted Marcus “there is no sun!”

It should be “Marcus interrupted,” Nonetheless, there needs to be a comma (,) before the new sentence starts.

The storyteller stood up, slightly offended, realised how boring he probably sounded, and walked off, hurrying to 2023 in a mere hope that it wasn’t too late and he could rest for school.

Grammatically, this is a run-off sentence. Instead, you can break it down in two.

Word War | 236 words

I suppose I am a beast, since I live in Beastland. But I never felt like one. I am a bird without a power. Every single bird in Beastland has a power. I am just different and I don’t know why.

My best friend is an airbird. Airbirds are transparent, and since they are made of air, you can hardly feel one at all. Soojie, as my best friend, always understands me, but I don’t think she truly knows what it is like to be left out.

I always like dreaming about if I did have a power, if I was a true Beastbird. Nobody would stare or give me weird looks, that was for sure. Since power is based of personality, I think I would be a waterbird. Always dripping, slashy, kind of deformed. Bright blue, easily can ooze under doors, and when you dive into the ground - splat! A puddle of water. I have always tried to be kind, even if it is not easy because everyone is whispering about you. ‘She doesn't have a power … So quiet … Dull feathers … Why is she even here?’

Me and Soojie like to brainstorm what power I would have if I did. She always says I make a good firebird. Now that would be my dream come true, better than a waterbird. Spunky, determined, brave. Just like me.

Only if it could be true.

weekly three for illu-fi - 1490 words
credits to @syrozenne for a prompt
this is so dark… tw: many mentions of death and su*c*cd

part 1 - 182 words
beginning: For the beginning, I'm introducing a young twelve year old boy named Nico in the middle of a scene, when his sister, Thana, is dying from fall injuries from when she stumbled off a bridge. She doesn't make it through alive.
middle: Nico is begging for another chance for his sister when he hears a voice and is suddenly back in time, around two hours ago. But he knows what is going to happen and warns Thana. Thana doesn't listen and pushes Nico away. He keeps trying until they get to the bridge and she is about to fall. Nico grabs her arms, but Thana shakes it off and tells him, “It has to be this way.” Almost looking like she was glowing, she then jumps, with Nico screaming behind.
end: When Nico comes back to the present, he has time to think but is still mad at his sister. He then has a dream, with her in it, explaining that there was no other choice. Nico wakes up to the conclusion that some things need to happen, no matter what.

part 2 - 314 words
It was just a normal day with the family.
It was just going to be an amazing trip overseas.
It was, at least.
No one would know, that by the end of that day, one person would be dead and everyone would be in hysterics.
These were the thoughts that Nico had as the doctor, with a concerned face and sad but serious tone, announced that Thana was dead.
His parents were crying and wrapping their arms around each other and him, but Nico just sat there, slack with numb.
Then he excused himself to the bathroom, where he cried his heart out, his eyes going blurry in spite of tears.
This can't be real.
This can't be real.
This can't be real.
But this was now a reality, and he would never get to see Thana again.
His mind flashed back to the moment, the stumble, his scream-
The sanitizer smell of the bathroom was not helping his grief.
Getting a handful of tissues, Nico opened the door and walked down the hallway, back to the hard and cold chairs, feeling wobbly.
'I can't process this,' he thought.
His parents' cheeks had tear stains on them, and the doctor was still there, slowly comforting them.
“Can I see her?” Nico asked, his voice all small and squeaky.
The doctor furrowed his brow and sighed.
“I'm afraid not.”
“But…”
The next second he knew, he was in the back of the car, going to the hotel.
“We have to go home.” His father said in a hollow voice.
'Home' would not be home without Thana. ‘Home’ would not be home without his older sister.
A lump in his throat developed, and he glanced across at the car seat Thana had always claimed hers.
It would never be now.
He closed his eyes.
This can't be real.
This can't be real.
This can't be real.

part 3 - 401 words
“Please!” Nico muttered, burying his face in a pillow and staining it with his tears. “Please. I can't live without her… this can't be real.”
The moment they got to the hotel, Nico flung himself into the hotel closet and found an abandoned pillow.
He sobbed.
Until a bright light shone through the pillow, through his eyelids, and completely startled him. Nico lifted his face off the pillow, rubbed his eyes, and saw… a circular thing floating.
“Huh?”
A strong voice sounded in his ear.
“Maybe this will teach you something. This is a time traveling portal, and it will bring you to the start of today. Good luck…”
Nico jumped up and banged his head on something, but was too jittery to care. His mourning suddenly turned into determination, and he was insistent on saving his sister.
He took a deep breath and stepped in.
A whirl of colours, a whooshing sound, and dizziness brought him away.

Nico found himself in the tiny hotel bed, staring up at the ceiling. He checked the clock sleepily.
Six-thirty.
From the room he was in, he could hear the snore of his sisters, and the footsteps of his mother, already awake.
He took a deep breath.
'I can do this. I'll save Thana.'
Nico got up from his bed, turned on the lights, and got dressed.
He then spent time pacing his room, with the question of how.
'How' exactly would he save Thana? ‘How’ would he stop her from falling?
His thoughts were interrupted by a soft knocking on the door, and Thana's head poked in.
“Time for breakfast, bro.”
Nico took a moment to take her face in, to stare at her hair and eyes and mouth and nose, to remember everything about her.
'But I'll save her,' he thought.
“Nico? You look like you've seen a ghost,” Thana joked, her pale cheeks caving in because of her dimples.
“U-um, yeah…” Nico stuttered, then cleared his throat. “Coming.”
At the breakfast table, everything seemed surreal. Nico poked at his food, his stomach in knots.
Around and around his thoughts bubbled
I have to save her.
This is my only chance.
After breakfast, when cleaning plates, Thana pulled Nico aside. “You seem off,” she commented, looking into his eyes.
“I'm fine.”
His parents announced that they were going to the bridge, Golden Gate Bridge. Normally this would be exciting.
But not today.

part 4 - 322 words
Nico's family piled into the car. He checked his watch.
7:45, it read.
'She fell at around 8:50,' Nico thought. ‘Maybe all I can do is keep her away from the bridge.’
That was useless though, and he knew. It had been one of Thana's dreams to walk the Golden Gate Bridge.
That left the question again: how?
How?
Before he knew it, the time had leaped to 8:15 and they were getting off the car.
“Oh!” Thana exclaimed, at the sight of the bridge. “Oh! It's amazing.”
Despite being nearly fourteen, she was still awed by the sight of a bridge.
Their parents brought some ice cream for them and took many pictures.
“Let's walk on it now,” his mother suggested.
It was time for the stroll.
'I wish I could stop time,' Nico thought frantically. “I don't know what to do.”
Going on the footpath on the bridge, Nico was anxious.
“What if I can't do it?” he whispered under his breath.
Thana shot him a suspicious look.
For all he knew, he just stuck to Thana's side and watched every move she made.
She walked. She skipped. She talked to herself.
Before long, her eyes clouded over. She took a deep breath, and-
“Wait!” Nico screamed. “Why?”
Thana looked at him in his eyes, like she always did. She clasped his hand.
“You'll understand soon. Some things need to be done. Even if you convinced… him to turn back time…”
Her eyes were glowing. Her face… her body was glowing. She was glowing.
“I'm sorry to leave you. Some things can't be changed.”
Thana sighed.
“Goodbye.”
And with that, she let go of his hand, stumbled, and fell, with Nico hollering after her.
He sank to the floor.
'I had a second chance,' he thought.
Hearing the ambulance's wails made it harder.
All he could do was close his eyes and wish everything to go away.

part 4 - 271 words
That night, he couldn't sleep.
His heart felt heavy.
Along with his grief came a new element: guilt.
I had a second chance. Why did I fail? he kept asking himself.
Maybe if I convinced her to jump. Maybe if I had grasped onto her tightly.
“All those ‘maybes’ will never help.” a voice said.
Nico gasped and blinked his eyes. “Thana?”
And sure enough, there she was, like a ghost.
“I am a ghost.”
“You can hear my thoughts?” Nico asked, flabbergasted.
“Yup.”
Suddenly, Nico's shock became rage.
“Why? Why did you fall?” he cried. “I can't live without you!”
“I have a reason. A good one.”
“Tell me.”
“I'm afraid you'll have to find out by yourself. And don't feel guilty for my death. You couldn't have stopped me.”
She sighed.
“There was no other choice for me, Nico. It was for the greater good.
”I can't be here for much longer. Remember, not all things can be prevented. Not all things should be prevented. Some things have to happen. Be strong. Love you.“
Just as quickly as she appeared, she melted into the darkness.

Nico thought about the day again, rubbing his eyes.
Replaying her fall. Replaying all the things he did, how he was so determined to save her.
He remembered the voice of the portal.
”Maybe this will teach you something,“ the voice had said.
He thought about his sister's words again.
”It was all for the greater good.“
”Not all things can be prevented… Not all things should be prevented… Some things have to happen.“
The last things she had said to him.
”Love you."

some diary entries I wrote for school - 661 words

diary entry of a posh water droplet - geography homework (506 words)

Dear Diary,
Today, the most shocking of events happened to occur. I was floating in my cloud, surrounded by the familiar appearances of my fellow water droplets, when something terribly surprising happened.
You see, Diary, I believe that my cloud was starting to become a little… overpopulated, to say the least. It had been so squashy in there! I, for one, can't even begin to fathom where these newcomers arrived from.
Well, as I said, the cloud was more than a little full. I believe that the sheer stress of housing so many water droplets caused it to release us. And oh, Diary, the next thing I knew, I was falling to the ground!
When I managed to recover from the tremendous shock that the fall had caused me to experience, I noticed that some of my fellow water droplets were also plummeting to their imminent death. Over to my left I could spy the bright young chap that I was talking with just yesterday. He was a delight to converse with about the weather, you see.
Eventually, gravity brought me down to Earth. I was quite startled to realise that I was clearly quite alive. I landed on a tall mountain peak, similar to those that I could see from the safety of my cloud. The slope of the ground beneath me caused me to slide down even further, and eventually I slipped all the way down into a large lake.
Oh, Diary! You wouldn't believe the amount of water droplets I encountered in that lake! But it seemed as though I wouldn't be staying long. I barely introduced myself to a charming lady when I felt as though I was being whisked away. And then, my word, you certainly cannot guess what happened next!
At first, I felt pleasantly warmed, like I was being wrapped in one of those humongous fluffy blankets that the humans often wear. Then I felt something absolutely baffling, as though I was no longer, well, me. When I looked down at myself, I saw that I had, in fact, evaporated into thin air. I couldn't see anything more than atoms of water vapour as I floated, quite gracefully, if I do say so myself, back into the sky.
Unfortunately, the lovely warmth faded, and I was swept into a chilly current. I felt myself undergo a peculiar change once again, and before I knew it I was back into the form of my usual self- a stunning water droplet. Being whisked away in the wind, I was squished into something that felt strangely familiar. Then, Diary, I realised that I was back in my cloud.
Feeling so utterly disoriented, I gazed around at all the familiar droplets around me. I have not a clue what just happened to me, but I can thank the storms above that I landed back in my cloud.
Diary, if you or another informed droplet would please inform me of what just occurred, I would be forever grateful.
Sincerely,
A very confused water droplet.

diary entry of salva, about the return of his uncle - english post-reading activity from the book ‘a long walk to water’ (155 words)

Dear Diary,
After months of perseverance by myself, I finally saw someone from my family! I was walking with the group when I heard someone call my name. When I turned around, my uncle stood there watching me, and I felt such delight and relief to finally find one of my family members.
Uncle carried a gun, and I’m guessing that he was fighting in the war before he found me. Everyone followed him because of his gun, and I felt secretly special inside because someone as admired and as special as him wanted to be around me.
Having Uncle around has been wonderful so far. He shot us a humongous meal’s worth of meat, and it was so, so delicious. Dinner had never tasted as good as the roasted meat that Uncle killed!
I’m so grateful to have a familiar face around.
‘Till next time,
Salva

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