Daily 11: Viva la Vida by Coldplay, written from the perspective of an ultra-competitive cabin who went from 1st place to last (303 words)

I used to rule the leaderboard
They would send wars when I gave the word
Now at midnight UTC, I wait alone
See the ranks I used to own
I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in all cabin’s eyes
Listen as the campers would type
Now the old 1st is dead, too many betrayals
One minute, I held the keyboard
Next the points were dropped on me
And I discovered that my campers stand
Upon pillars of inactivity and pillars of laziness
I hear daily bells a-ringin'
Taylor Swift choirs are singin'
Be my winners, do the dailies and weeklies
My campers in a foreign place
For some reason, I can explain
Once you'd gone, there was never, never any points
And that was when I ruled the leaderboard
It was a wicked and wild war
Blew down the doors and we lost thousands of
Rotten mangoes and the sound of guitars
People couldn't believe what I'd become
All the other cabins wait
For my head on a golden plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh, who would ever want to be king?
I hear daily bells a-ringin'
Taylor Swift choirs are singing
Be my winners, do the dailies and weeklies
My campers in a foreign place
For some reason, I can’t explain
I know the hosts won't call my name
Never a single word
But that was when I ruled the leaderboard
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh, oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh, oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh, oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh, oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh, oh
I hear daily bells a-ringin'
Taylor Swift choirs are singin'
Be my winners, do the dailies and weeklies
My campers in a foreign place
For some reason I can't explain
I know the hosts won't call my name
Never an single word
But that was when I ruled the leaderboard

HAPPY by Pharrell Williams
SWC-ised by Scarlet

It might seem crazy what I’m ‘bout say
SWC, it’s here, and I ain’t taking a break
I’m an amazing writer that could reach fame
With everyone else, who’s as good as me, baby by the way

Yeah! (Because I’m writing)
Clap along if you feel like staying up all night
(Because I’m writing)
Clap along if you feel like weeklies are such a fright
(Because I’m writing)
Clap along if you know that mangoes are the best
(Because I’m writing)
Clap along if you feel like Benny’s better than all the rest (/lh)

Here comes bad news, all the messages I got (Huh?)
Are just studio and megathread activity (Oh…)
And I’m still taking part in the contests (Oh!)
The best writer/cover maker will get the win (Huh?)

Get that motivation going, here’s why
(Because I’m writing)
Clap along if you feel like staying up all night
(Because I’m writing)
Clap along if you feel like weeklies are such a fright
(Because I’m writing)
Clap along if you know that mangoes are the best
(Because I’m writing)
Clap along if you feel like Benny’s better than all the rest (/lh)

Yeah, bring me down
Can’t nothing, bring me down
My motivation’s too ‘high’ to bring me down
Can’t nothing, bring me down, I’m writing right now!
Bring me down
(My diet cokes are ending fast!) to bring me down
Can’t nothing, bring me down, I’m writing right now!
Bring me down, can’t nothing
Bring me down
I’m falling asleep later than 1:09, try bring me down
Can’t nothing, bring me down, I’m writing right now!

(Because I’m writing)
Clap along if you feel like staying up all night
(Because I’m writing)
Clap along if you feel like weeklies are such a fright
(Because I’m writing)
Clap along if you know that mangoes are the best
(Because I’m writing)
Clap along if you feel like Benny’s better than all the rest /lh

Yeah, bring me down (got it, got it got it, got it)
Can’t nothing (write it, write it, write it, write it)
My motivation’s too ‘high’ to bring me down
Can’t nothing (mango, mango, mango, mango)
Bring me down, motivation ain’t high…
Nu-uh cause,

(Because I’m writing)
Clap along if you feel like staying up all night
(Because I’m writing)
Clap along if you feel like weeklies are such a fright
(Because I’m writing)
Clap along if you know that mangoes are the best
(Because I’m writing)
Clap along if you feel like Benny’s better than all the rest (hey hey hey)

(Because I’m writing)
Clap along if you feel like staying up all night
(Because I’m writing)
Clap along if you feel like weeklies are such a fright (ah!)
(Because I’m writing)
Clap along if you know that mangoes are the best (uh-uh)
(Because I’m writing)
Clap along if you feel like Benny’s better than all the rest

“1825—conduct murder” a writing comp entry
774 Words

As the train rattled through the countryside, the night outside grew darker, casting an eerie ambiance onto the cabin lights flickering inside. The rhythmic sound of wheels turning heralded the train as it chugged along the tracks. The year was 1825, a time when the train system was still a novel and an exciting mode of transportation. Little did the passengers on this particular journey know that they were moving into the heart of danger.

Among the individuals nestled in plush velvet seats, finest silk dresses, and tailored suits lurked a villain with a sinister mission. This cunning mastermind had devised a diabolical plot to eradicate specific individuals of wealth, taking advantage of their journey on the train to carry out their wicked deeds.

The villain, known only as The Engineer, had carefully studied the schedules, routes, and passenger lists of the train system. Armed with ruthless determination, they had vowed to seek revenge on the elite who had wronged them in the past, orchestrating their demise in a most macabre manner.

As the passengers slowly rose from their seats and made their way towards their lavishly decorated cabins, the atmosphere tensed. Little did they realize the perilous fate that awaited them behind those cabin doors.

Lady Victoria Ashford, a socialite adorned in shimmering jewels that glimmered in the light, was the epitome of grace and beauty. The Ashfords were one of the wealthiest families in the city, and Victoria was on the train to visit her family estate.

She was oblivious to the danger lurking within, instead eagerly anticipating a restful night's sleep. However, when she entered, a strange odor greeted her. Immediately, the scent grew stronger, and Lady Victoria's eyes watered, her throat burning as the poison entered her body. Her screams went unheard, muffled by the silence of the night, as her lungs struggled for breath and her vision faded into darkness. She had already collapsed onto the ground, her shimmering jewels now ironic and somber in their beauty, a reminder of the life which had been taken far too soon.

Across the corridor, Mr. William Hargrave, a wealthy businessman, loosened his tie and stretched his limbs as he approached his cabin. Unbeknownst to him, The Engineer had tampered with the lock, ensuring that it opened properly only from the inside, unless you were open to a deadly surprise. As the unsuspecting Mr. Hargrave turned the doorknob, a surge of fear washed over him. His pulse quickened, and a sense of impending doom whispered in his ear.

Inside the cabin, a grotesque mechanical contraption awaited its victim. The Engineer knew precisely when the cabin door would be opened and unleashed an intricate system of gears, triggering a deadly mechanism. Hidden blades shot out from the walls, slicing through the air with deadly precision. In a mere matter of seconds, Mr. Hargrave's life was abruptly cut short, his death witnessed only by the ticking of the train's wheels.

One by one, The Engineer continued to claim their victims, each death more inventive and cruel than the last. The passengers, still unaware of the horrors unfolding around them, descended into a sleep, oblivious to the imminent danger that surrounded them. The villain reveled in their malevolent actions, their rage satisfied further with each successful execution.

However, unbeknownst to The Engineer, so confident in their wickedness, a young and seasoned investigator by the name of Daisy Rayne had been tracking their every move.

From her head of dark curly hair to her black handbag, she had an unmistakable presence. It could be her air of confidence or the piercing dark blue eyes that jumped out of her deep-toned face, and drew the attention of everyone in the room.

As the night wore on, and the moon reached its zenith, Rayne had managed to uncover the identity of the villain and their heinous intentions. She had done her job of unveiling all of their motives.

With stealth and determination, Detective Rayne moved through the darkened train, her footsteps barely audible against the backdrop of rumbling engines.

As she stepped away, the train continued its steady rhythm, echoing the battle of wits that was about to unfold. The dimly lit compartment held secrets of a railway murder, and with each passing moment, Daisy was determined to expose the darkness lurking within.

The year was 1825 and though the train system continued to grow in popularity, it now bore an air of trepidation and dread. The passengers who had witnessed The Engineer's malevolence would forever recall the night when the train became a conduit for murder and mayhem, casting a shadow upon an otherwise extraordinary innovation.

July 11th Daily
Fighting for the Top Score
a SWC parody of Pushing on a Pull Door by for KING + COUNTRY
288 words about a super competitive camper/cabin :O

If words are what you’re writing
We can take them and turn them into points

SWC is sure exciting
And now it's time for Cabin Wars
Yeah, and now it’s time for Cabin Wars

When you write stuff down, then you see it all
That you spend all your time fighting for the top score

You made a plan
Your cabin’s in control
Yeah, you’re writing
And you’re way too high to fall
But hey man (hey man)
Check around the corner
The deadline’s coming
Here’s your wakeup call

Yeah, midnight’s coming
Here’s your wakeup call

When you write stuff down, then you see it all
This session’s a hard battleground but better than before
When you write stuff down, then you see it all
That you spend all your time fighting for the top score

It’ll shake you
It’ll make your cabin’s dreams unwind
Because it's only when it comes to pieces
Only when your time decreases
You will find the motivation you’ve been dying for
You’ll realize that all this time
You’ve been fighting for the top score (ooh)
You’ve been fighting for the top score (ooh)

Write stuff down, then you see it all
This session’s a hard battleground but better than before
Oh you know, when you write stuff down, then you see it all
That you spend all your time fighting for the top score
(Fighting for the top score)

When you write stuff down, then you see it all
This session’s a hard battleground but better than before
(Fighting for the top score, fighting for the top score)
And you’ve spent all this time fighting for the top score
(Hey, fighting for the top score)

You’ve been fighting for the top score

part 2 of the weekly - using a workshop on emotion by @school_practice6th

The night sky stretched above Orion, black and endless. Standing at the crest of this hill, it felt like he was floating out in space. But in space he’d be able to see the stars.

Orion closed his eyes, letting the darkness take him in a cold embrace.

The wind whistled forlornly as it frisked through the brown, dead grass and ruffled Orion’s hair.

Orion stepped to the right, then twirled forward, swaying in the wind.

He danced to a melody he couldn’t hear, but, oh, how he wanted to.

Iris heard it.

She was a river, rushing by and shining in the sun like a thousand stars hid within.

He was a lake, stagnant and dark.

He was the night sky, and she was a constellation.

Turn.

Step forward, back.

He was a shadow, and she was the sun.

Orion opened his eyes, and he could picture the stars he should see. As if they were really there, sparkling in his vision like the new-fallen tears of some long dead god. But they were not there; they were shadows like him.

Leaves rustled in the distance where tires squealed and city lights glowed.

Orion swallowed his anger and forced his legs to follow the steps Iris had demonstrated a thousand times. He could perform them with perfect precision, never missing a beat.

That was the problem.

He could do, but he could not feel.

The only thing that made him feel alive were the stars, and those were long gone, buried under a mountain of pollution. Orion couldn’t change that any more than he could make the world stop turning. All he could do was follow the steps and imagine the stars.

Orion spun more slowly, arms out as though dancing with an invisible partner.

He stepped back, arm up, and his eyes lifted to heaven.

Light.

He faltered.

A sliver of heaven burst across the sky like a silent, shimmering bullet.

Orion’s mouth hung open; his heart seemed to stop in his chest.

Beat. Beat. Beat.

They fell in perfect time.

And Orion could hear the melody.

Low and haunting, powerful and swelling.

It came in the whisper of wind. It came in the rustle of leaves. It came in his heartbeat. In sounds and sights and smells. In constellations and in the depths of the sea. It was of Earth and of heaven. It hummed in the back of his mind, so familiar, as if he’d always heard it. And perhaps he had, but had been so busy following the steps that he had never listened. Until now, when his heart fell in tune.

Orion resumed his dance, this time following the song of stars.

He danced with the wind and the glowing meteors until they began to fade from the sky. But even then, the song played in his mind, and Orion swore to never forget the melody.

As the final meteor darted down, straining to meet the dust, Orion reached up towards it. He could feel its warmth, like a hand in his.

{508 words}

Silvi's thread

Daily 11 July
298 words

Original song: Mr Blue Sky, HUGE thanks to this, by Electric Light Orchestra
My song:

Moon is glowin’ in the camp,
There ain’t a Scratcher not in sight,
The moon is glowin’, the Scratchers have no spirit damp,
And don’t you know,
It is a successful new camp, hey, hey, hey.

Racing to get to the top of the list,
See how the lanterns shine brightly in the camp,
On the tracks where once was lamps,
Oh, SWC is camping here this month, hey, hey, hey,

SWC, we love your dailies,
All Scratchers around the fire (fire)
Our faces lit up like a tiger.

SWC, we love your weeklies,
All around the fire (the fire)
Our faces lit up like a tiger

Hey, you with the camp so fab,
Good luck in the camp so rad,
A victory, SWC is there waiting,
You are the cabin that we’ve been waiting for
SWC, we love your camp,
All Scratchers around the fire( fire)
Our faces lit up like a tiger

Look there, the camp, yes you!
We can’t wait to camp with you
Take a peek, see the faces,
Oh, so happy, they wanna be with you

Look there, camp, yes you!
We can’t wait to camp with you,
Take a peek, see the faces,
Oh, so happy, they wanna be with you.

SWC, you’re so mighty,
But soon this will all be over,
Now the end is looming nearer,,
But I will always come back to you,
Come back to you someday

SWC, come back to be,
Like the, you
Scratchers all around the fire (fire)
Faces lit up like a tiger

Look, there, SW ( C )
We love to camp with (you)
Take a peek, see the faces (so happy)
We will all miss you.

Daily // July 11 // 440 words
A parody of The Moss by Cosmo Sheldrake, which I’ve decided to call ‘The Cabins’

Legend has it that Non-fi hides by
The lake within the trees
Well, legend has it when the steam comes down
Sherlock’s friends find clues to seize
Well, legend has it when the villains come
All the heroes fight them with powers
Well, legend has it that the Avatar
Was reborn within Fantasy’s towers

But have you heard the story of the Romans and the Greeks?
Or the Jedis with their sabers, exploring Naxa’s peaks
Or they, who survive monsters, armed with powers that they throw
And those who proved their talents while in The Greatest Show
Well, we can all learn things, no two books are the same,
From that massive library that lives inside a train
Or the ones that sang all day and all night from Hazemore’s curse
Or the ones in the shadows who will secretly converse

Come listen, all ye campers, to how the moral goes
Nobody knew and nobody knows
How the Hi-fi rebels reached the end of their fuse
Or how the poets came upon a lighthouse with clues
Or how Adventure went to sea for their own odyssey
And Horror explores the liminal space that they need to flee
And the folklorian’s golden mysteries do flow
And the anarchists doodle their stories down below

But have you heard the story of the Romans and the Greeks?
Or the Jedis with their sabers, exploring Naxa’s peaks
Or they, who survive monsters, armed with powers that they throw
And those who proved their talents while in The Greatest Show
Well, we can all learn things, no two books are the same,
From that massive library that lives inside a train
Or the ones that sang all day and all night from Hazemore’s curse
Or the ones in the shadows who will secretly converse

(Music break)

Legend has it that the orphanage
Is right behind the trees
Well, legend has it when the owl comes
Your magic will soon be free
Well, legend has it in the library
They’re trying to make a cipher clear
Well, legend has it that the board says when
The next Real-Fi member will disappear

But have you heard the story of the Romans and the Greeks?
Or the Jedis with their sabers, exploring Naxa’s peaks
Or they, who survive monsters, armed with powers that they throw
And those who proved their talents while in The Greatest Show
Well, we can all learn things, no two books are the same,
From that massive library that lives inside a train
Or the ones that sang all day and all night from Hazemore’s curse
Or the ones in the shadows who will secretly converse

235 words:
Parody from the song, “Alexander Hamilton” from the play “Hamilton”
quoted sentences were directly from the song
Original was 262 words
Daily for Illu-Fi!
(the song's length was 500+ words, so i've done part of it)

How does a bored, unsatisfied writer about to rot
With a pen ain’t moving from the cupboard in a spot
With inspiration, an unknown destiny
Work harder then become a published author?
They picked their pen from the ground
Instead of waiting to be found
They got a lot smarter
‘By being a self-starter’
They almost never cared to barter
And almost every day as the sun ran away
They struggled much, pen never up
Longing for a chance but never gave up
The writer was ready to take every risk
Then the block of fear came in the rain
They kept the pen up in shame
Then saw a chance, like a flame
And they wrote in this place, a camp its name
‘Well, the word got around, they said’, this kid can
Fought till 12 because of the war raging on
Kept dreaming and writing as each weekly came ‘long
And the Scratch knows this camp’s name
‘What's your name, man?’
I’m Scratch Writing Camp
My name is Scratch Writing Camp
‘And there's a million things I haven't done’
But the world will help achieve, just wait
The writer faced struggle in months between
Pen soon cupboard-ridded
But soon the scent of misery faded
The writer kept going as others left quick
Kept going amid the hardships and pain
Kept a note in they’re pocket each day
A note saying, “Scratch writing camp”

~ Critique ~

scarlene wrote:

Dialogue (Part 2 of the weekly) ~ I did loads of editing, and I mean LOADS
“Jane, please…” Matthew started pleading for my forgiveness, but I had had enough of his fake apologies.
I let all my anger out and yelled in Matthew’s ugly face, “No! Go away, Matthew. I’ve had enough of this, this loop! You don’t know how I’m feeling right now.” I breathed deeply, trying to focus better on him. I was feeling so dizzy and my arm was so agonizingly painful, that I felt as though it was yelping for help.
“Matthew, get out, now.” I heard an unfamiliar, ice-cold voice command Matthew to leave the house, which, he strangely obeyed without any convincing. I curiously turned around to see a tall man staring down at me.
“Who-”
“There’s no time to explain. Come with me, now.” The stranger barked and gripped my other wrist hard. I felt a reassured, fuzzy feeling inside. He led me out through the backdoor, to a dirty jeep that looked more like the scraps of one. “Get in.” I followed the order. He started the vehicle and we dashed down the road.
After a few minutes of driving, I finally took all my courage and asked,
“Where are we going and who are you?”
He turned to me and smiled,
“Sorry about that. I’m Damien, and you must be Jane, right? Now that we’re on the move, I can tell you what’s going on. That Matthew is not only a jerk but also a spy for the most powerful villain in the galaxy. And, surprisingly, the villain is trying to track you down, that is why he sent Matthew to be your ‘friend’.” It all came to me. Matthew was just a fake. It did hurt since he treated me so well in the beginning. Damien carried on, “The villain has feelings for you.” breathed steadily. The villains had feelings for me?
“STOP RIGHT THERE!” I heard a crash at the back.
“What’s going on?!” I screamed frantically.
“We know you have her. Open up or we’ll hurt someone badly!” I rushed to the window and spotted three men standing outside the jeep. Damien took my hand and breathed rapidly,
“Come with me, Jane.” We jumped out the other side of the car and ran away. I looked over my shoulder, the strangers saw us and were speeding after us.
“Damien,” I muttered anxiously, “We need to hurry up! They’re on our tails!” Damien nodded. He started to pick up the pace until we reached close to an alley. He swiftly pulled me into the alleyway and pinned me to the wall.
Moments later, I heard the men shouting.
“THEY WENT THIS WAY!” Damien pressed his fingers against my lips and we both stood in silence. Then gangsters ran forward, not even noticing us.
“Should we stay here for now?” Damien asked.
“Damien! No. Maybe somewhere else. It’s unsafe here,” I snapped back, but now, I wished I had agreed to his proposal.
Damien led me out, back to the jeep.
“I’ll get us to my apartment and you can stay there for the night,” he said to me.

Right off the bat, I was intrigued by the conflict in this story. It was fast paced and full of action, with plenty of character interactions. I think there's a lot of potential with this story, and I'm excited to see where it goes further! I'm also interested to see how the relationships between the characters develop. Overall, a very solid piece!

Grammar:

scarlene wrote:

I heard an unfamiliar, ice-cold voice command Matthew to leave the house, which, he strangely obeyed without any convincing.

I think the comma after which is not needed. “I heard an unfamiliar, ice-cold voice command Matthew to leave the house, which he strangely obeyed without any convincing” seems more natural in this scenario.

scarlene wrote:

After a few minutes of driving, I finally took all my courage and asked,
“Where are we going and who are you?”
He turned to me and smiled,
“Sorry about that…

The dialogue after the commas are capitalized when they should be lowercase.

scarlene wrote:

That Matthew is not only a jerk but also a spy for the most powerful villain in the galaxy.

I think adding a comma after “jerk” would make more grammatical sense? “That Matthew is not only a jerk, but also a spy for the most powerful villain in the galaxy” flows better.

scarlene wrote:

“Damien,” I muttered anxiously, “We need to hurry up! They’re on our tails!”

The “we” should be lowercase.

scarlene wrote:

And, surprisingly, the villain is trying to track you down, that is why he sent Matthew to be your ‘friend’.”

I think you can remove the comma after the “And”.

scarlene wrote:

Damien carried on, “The villain has feelings for you.” breathed steadily. The villains had feelings for me?

I think this part might be a typo? Also “The” should be lowercase.

Other than a few small grammar errors, the passage had great grammar! Unfortunately I fall pray to a lot of spelling and comma errors so I use a lot of spell check. xD

General Overview/Thoughts
I enjoyed the passage while reading it and was curious to find out more. I’m interested to see what the villain’s motivations are and the backstory behind how certain characters got to where they are now. But I’m sure that information will be revealed later. As for the passage itself, Jane doesn’t seem that surprised when Damien drives away with her and tells her that villains from another galaxy are trying to get her. She only seems surprised when it’s revealed the villains have feelings for her. I’m not knowledgeable on this particular world, so I don’t know if people from another galaxy is super common in the context of the story, but if the story was set in a realistic setting, it would be nice to add a line about her surprise or disbelief. That way the reader knows that this is unusual.

Also, when Damien takes Jane away and tells her to get in the car, she doesn’t seem to really be scared (besides the line where she gathers up her courage). In the action sequences you do a good job of showing Jane’s anxiousness, but here she seems a little nonchalant. I think adding a sentence or two about how she is feeling in the moment would allow the reader to really connect with Jane!

Other than those two small things, I liked the passage and it made me curious for more. I thought you did a good job of portraying dialogue that develops the plot and shows us more about the characters! (For example, we know from the dialogue that Damien is calm and calculated, Jane is confused and scared, and the pursuers are dangerous, all while progressing the plot!)

Daily 11th July - Song Parodies
This is a parody of ‘The Bare Necessites’ from the Jungle Book.

The time is about one thirty, it’s really time to go to sleep,
Forget about the weekly and the war,
I mean you need to go to sleep, because you will not be so pleased,
When you can’t commit arson anymore.

Whenever I sit at my desk and write,
I end up spending a lot of time,
Procrastinating miserably,
And avoiding work deliberately,
Finally, when the day is done,
I go to bed ‘fore tomorrow’s begun,

Just turn out the lights and sleep will come to you,
It’ll come to you.

The time is about two thirty, it’s really time to go to sleep,
Forget about the weekly and the war,
I mean you need to go to sleep,
For the sake of sanity,
Because you know you have been here before.

Now when you’re doing the weekly, or warring a foe,
And you hurt your fingers, well, next time you’ll know,
Don't write for so long that you can’t use your hands,
When you write obey your body’s demands
It’s best to take regular breaks,
Especially during cabin wars,
Have I given you a clue?

Just turn out the lights and sleep will come to you,
It’ll come to you.

So yeah, that’s a good balance,
And try to maintain it, oh yeah,
It makes your life easier,
'Cause let me tell you something little writer
If you try to write more than too much,
You're working too hard

And don't spend your time hiding inside,
When there’s plenty real life can provide,
When you find out you have cabin mates,
Who’ll share the load and raise the rates,
I'll tell you something true
Just go to sleep and nothing bad will happen to you!

The time is about four thirty, it’s now too late to go to sleep,
Forget about the weekly and the war, (Oh man!)
I mean you should have gone to sleep, because you’ll find yourself asleep
After school in the kitchen on the floor. (Too late!)
332 words

For the 2nd Weekly, Part 2 (Critiquitaire)
I used the poetry metre workshop by @Fantastical_Worlds to write a poem in dactylic trimeter

———————————————————

Poet

She is the leader, and she is the head
Poems in winter are so filled with dread
Careful, the birdcage, without it she’s dead
Ink is her blanket with pages of red
Poet is pretty, her face is the sky
Colors will paint her and never shall die
But something aches, and is breaking her smile
Inside she hides that she’s tired and dry
Letters that draw only pain and regret
She hands them out like they’ll win her a bet
Comfort is brought by the bird, Poet’s net
Inspiration he will bring in her debt

Dreamer

Halls full of treasures and worlds scorched with fire
Whispers of hatred and blood on a spire
Knife through her gut and a trip on the wire
He that she loved was a traitor, a liar
Walking through darkness, no vision, no sound
Chains made for evil in deep she was bound
Oceans poured into her mind and she drowned
When all she sought was to be on the ground
There she is trapped in her thoughts every night
Fear settles in when she turns off the light
Often the monsters will give her a fight
But Dreamer knows that they’ll lose to her bite

Musician

Thieves steal her heart, but she gives it away
Columns of noise steaming off of her prey
Concealed in notes that she sings in a day
Her lyrics stem into daisy bouquets
She dances on through the moon and the stars
Twisted in rhythms as she passes Mars
Healing herself through the drums and guitars
Finding that songs are worth more than her scars
Vibrations shake from her soles to her skull
Musician finds that her chest has a hole
Where her heart should be is rotting and cold
Is music not what will make her feel full?

Optimist

As she walks, flowers come up underfoot
Optimist’s eyes are like stars on a hook
Each time she falls she shakes off all the soot
She’s iridescent, gold, too bright to look
Bright side, the bright side is all she can see
Darkness slips her notice, hiding with ease
Smiling and laughing is always the key
Her joy and glee are as wide as the sea
She walks on silver threads stretching through time
Ever the Optimist, always in prime
Passing a fountain she’ll toss in a dime
Wishing for someone to see she’s not fine

Believer

Despite all the pain that she has gone through
Believer sees that the world’s not just two
Dark sides and bright sides are not always true
She sings and dances, but cries and dreams too
This girl is all these things, and more to tell
She’s walked upside down and tried every shell
The one that fit best was outside her cell
To reach it she had to bid a farewell
Believer wishes that she knew her fate
Sometimes it feels impossible to wait
But like her name, she believes in the Great
In the end she know it won’t come too late.

(503 words)

Weekly 2
~~~~~
Part 1:

Writing Character Depth

Characters are quite possibly the most important part of any story. They make the reader invested in the story, set up the plot, and just in general are the backbone of every story, fiction or nonfiction. However, a character is useless if it is not interesting enough for the audience to get invested. Today, we’re going to be exploring character depth and how to make the readers empathize with your characters. Here is a little list of things to keep in mind! This list is by no means a hard cut guide, it is merely here to give you suggestions or inspiration.

1) Give your characters flaws and weaknesses
You’ve probably heard this piece of advice a lot before, but it’s something that I sometimes lose track of when writing. Oftentimes I plan out a character and their traits, and when planning I give the character weaknesses or flaws. But when actually applying those traits into my writing, I can often forget. Unless being mean or lazy or having some other negative trait is a big part of the character’s personality, (for example, one of my characters is a hothead and this is a large part of her character), it can be easy to focus on moving the plot forward and neglect showing weakness. When writing short stories especially, it’s difficult to show all the aspects of a character you want. A good tip is to deliberately place them in situations that showcase more negative aspects of their personality and integrate it with the plot. If you want to show that a character is jealous, give them a small interaction with someone to showcase said jealousy, and then use the situation as a way to move the plot forward. Therefore you keep the story interesting and write more effectively.

2) Give your characters motivation
This is another basic piece of advice, but an important one nonetheless! What do your characters want? What are their aspirations or goals beyond the main storyline? Perhaps in your story, the main character’s motivation is revenge. But what are their goals beyond that? What is your character going to do after the story is over? These are all important questions to keep in mind when creating your characters. Another thing to consider is how the character’s goals will change throughout the story. How has the plot affected these wants? Add scenes where your character strives for these goals.

3) Explore beyond the confines of the plot
Tying back into a line in the previous point, what is your character going to do after the story is over? Beyond the story beats of the plot, what does your character do? Perhaps they have a hobby they like. What was your character’s childhood like? Your character didn’t just spring up at the beginning of the story. The readers are only seeing a glimpse of the character’s life. A good tactic is putting your characters into random settings and seeing how they react. Incorporating a few stories of things that happened before the story began can also help the reader feel like the character has actually lived a life.

4) Leave various details hazy
You can’t possibly fit everything about a character into a story. It’s important to leave some details of your characters out to make the readers more intrigued. If you’ve ever seen theories of popular fandoms, you will notice that they commonly used small, unexplored, and hinted at things to fuel their theories. It would be boring to just have the exposition info dump every mildly significant part of a character’s life, and leaving small hints instead can draw your readers in. Oftentimes, a small sentence is enough to give the reader an understanding of your character, and you can leave the rest up to interpretation. As an author, you don’t need to plan out every single second of the character’s life. Recognize which parts you can leave unexplained!

5) Define your characters’ emotions/traits
Understand why your characters feel certain ways. If a character is feeling anxious or happy, why is it that they are feeling this way? Of course, if it’s pretty self explanatory why your character feels happy or sad, you don’t need to psychoanalyze why. But if your character is down to earth or a natural leader, understand why. If your character makes a certain choice. Understand why they made that choice. A good example is Miles Morales from Spider-man: Across the Spider-verse. In the film, Miles is told to let his father die because fate demands that it must happen. Miles however, rejects this and wants to save his father anyway. Why does Miles feel this way? Well, you could say it’s because of his upbringing, and how his mom has always taught him to stand up for himself and root for himself. Understanding how your characters have come to be can help them seem more deep.

6) Go beyond stereotypes
Go above and beyond with your story! Don’t write average characters doing average things. The readers already know this and experience this. Of course, there are stereotypes that heroes face as well. While cliches and stereotypes can be helpful, it’s good to avoid overusing them, because it makes a character blend in and fall flat. Think about a lot of other popular characters in the media. Are any of your characters extremely similar or almost the exact same as them? If that’s the case, consider altering a few things about your character. A struggle I faced a lot when I was younger was writing characters like Hermione from Harry Potter. While it’s beneficial to get motivation, you want them to be unique as well!

That’s all for the workshop. Keep in mind that you don’t need to listen to everything I write. If there’s something I tell you not to do and you feel like including it would benefit your character, by all means do so! Still, I hope you found this helpful; and I hope you came out of this workshop more mindful than before about character depth.

1010 words
~~~~~
Part 2:

The workshop I used was how to write realistic dialogue by @snuggles0426

“Jenny, Jenny!” Odelia’s rosy cheeks flushed as she pulled at my sleeve. Her stubby finger pointed at a large stone gate encased on moss and billowing vines. “Can we go there?”

I shook my head. “Your mom said it’s off limits. You wouldn’t want to upset her, would you?” Odelia frowned in response. “Mommy never lets me do anything fun.” Her lips pouted slightly.

I brushed the loose strands of hair out of her chocolate creamy eyes. “Your mother restricted the quadrangle for a reason. It’s not maintained and dangerous. You could get hurt.”

Odalia frowned once more. Her pale skin blushed pink from sunburn. Stringy waves of blonde formed her shoulder length hair, pinned back with leopard print clips. She wore a billowy, summery, dress with baby blue flowers that brought on waves of nostalgia. We looked very much alike, her and I. To everyone we appeared as sisters. Slender frame and downturned eyes with a splash of freckles across a set of full cheeks.

I tugged on Odalia’s arm lightly, but she was still fixated on the door. “Come’on,” I said gently. “Do you want to do your favorite puzzle?”

“I want to see the quad place!” Odalia whined. “Mommy never gives me anything I want. Can’t we see it just this once?”

“No,” I replied firmly. “When your mother gets back you can ask her about it but not right now.”

The little girl looked hurt. “Don’t you want to see it too?”

I glanced over my shoulder at the door. It stood just as it always did. Tall and silent amongst the wooden fence surrounding the garden. So tall even I couldn’t see over the top. Trickling vines snaked across the barrier, whispering of secrets and tugging me closer. Moss dripped along the edges and spread over the cracks. Wide lines of leaves tangled themselves around the top. The greenery almost covered the entire barrier, shielding it from sight. When I looked at the door, I saw a curtain concealing an enigma that reached out and grabbed my hand, leaving traces of intrigue on my fingertips.

“Five minutes. You can look around for five minutes and then we need to leave.”

“Yay!” Odalia exclaimed, breaking away from me and beginning to run to the stone door. I grabbed her wrist before she could go any further. “You understand that after five minutes you have to leave right?”

“Yes, I know,” Odalia assured, attempting to run off again, but I held on to her wrist. “Promise?”

“Yes,” Odalia reaffirmed once more, rolling her eyes. “Now, c'mon open the door!”

Surprisingly enough, the door wasn’t locked or anything. It was simply closed with a large brass latch, so high up Odalia couldn’t reach it even if she was jumping. That feature was likely intentionally placed there. The latch required quite a bit of force to open, but I was able to open the door without many problems. For an enormous stone door, it wasn’t as imposing as it first seemed.

The quadrangle was a wild undergrowth of exotic plants, a majority of which did not grow in the area. Large drip leaves and prickly bushes, snaking vines and winding branches. Trees of many different species lined the area. The quad consisted of such a large collection of different greenery. It appeared like a melting pot of randomness.

Besides the plants was a mossy stone path that meandered its way through the quadrangle, twisting in unpredictable ways. It was clear that the quad had not seen maintenance for many years. Yet it still thrived with an inexplicable youth and livelihood. Odalia found it majestically alluring and beautiful.

We had already walked quite a good distance through the quadrangle before I stopped Odalia. “It’s been five minutes,” I urged, “we need to get back.” She shrugged me off and tugged me towards a cherry tree, but I stopped her.

“You promised me we would leave after five minutes, remember? What would your mom think if she caught us?” I squatted down to her level this time, readjusting the leopard hair clip that had fallen loose. Her hair was a tangled mess, much like a maze you had to practice multiple times to get through consistently.

Odalia looked at me with a toothy grin. “Mommy always comes home late on Fridays,” she explained nonchalantly. “And when she does, she’s loopy and reeks of something foul. Sometimes she can’t even walk straight.” Odalia picked a flower and held it up to me. It glistened a lustrous pink. “I’m sure she won’t notice.”

The flower, slightly wilted and brown at the edges, flittered in the wind with drops of dew dripping down the slopey curves of the petals.

It reminded me of a broken heart.

792 words
~~~~~
Part 3:

~ Critique ~

scarlene wrote:

Dialogue (Part 2 of the weekly) ~ I did loads of editing, and I mean LOADS
“Jane, please…” Matthew started pleading for my forgiveness, but I had had enough of his fake apologies.
I let all my anger out and yelled in Matthew’s ugly face, “No! Go away, Matthew. I’ve had enough of this, this loop! You don’t know how I’m feeling right now.” I breathed deeply, trying to focus better on him. I was feeling so dizzy and my arm was so agonizingly painful, that I felt as though it was yelping for help.
“Matthew, get out, now.” I heard an unfamiliar, ice-cold voice command Matthew to leave the house, which, he strangely obeyed without any convincing. I curiously turned around to see a tall man staring down at me.
“Who-”
“There’s no time to explain. Come with me, now.” The stranger barked and gripped my other wrist hard. I felt a reassured, fuzzy feeling inside. He led me out through the backdoor, to a dirty jeep that looked more like the scraps of one. “Get in.” I followed the order. He started the vehicle and we dashed down the road.
After a few minutes of driving, I finally took all my courage and asked,
“Where are we going and who are you?”
He turned to me and smiled,
“Sorry about that. I’m Damien, and you must be Jane, right? Now that we’re on the move, I can tell you what’s going on. That Matthew is not only a jerk but also a spy for the most powerful villain in the galaxy. And, surprisingly, the villain is trying to track you down, that is why he sent Matthew to be your ‘friend’.” It all came to me. Matthew was just a fake. It did hurt since he treated me so well in the beginning. Damien carried on, “The villain has feelings for you.” breathed steadily. The villains had feelings for me?
“STOP RIGHT THERE!” I heard a crash at the back.
“What’s going on?!” I screamed frantically.
“We know you have her. Open up or we’ll hurt someone badly!” I rushed to the window and spotted three men standing outside the jeep. Damien took my hand and breathed rapidly,
“Come with me, Jane.” We jumped out the other side of the car and ran away. I looked over my shoulder, the strangers saw us and were speeding after us.
“Damien,” I muttered anxiously, “We need to hurry up! They’re on our tails!” Damien nodded. He started to pick up the pace until we reached close to an alley. He swiftly pulled me into the alleyway and pinned me to the wall.
Moments later, I heard the men shouting.
“THEY WENT THIS WAY!” Damien pressed his fingers against my lips and we both stood in silence. Then gangsters ran forward, not even noticing us.
“Should we stay here for now?” Damien asked.
“Damien! No. Maybe somewhere else. It’s unsafe here,” I snapped back, but now, I wished I had agreed to his proposal.
Damien led me out, back to the jeep.
“I’ll get us to my apartment and you can stay there for the night,” he said to me.

Right off the bat, I was intrigued by the conflict in this story. It was fast paced and full of action, with plenty of character interactions. I think there's a lot of potential with this story, and I'm excited to see where it goes further! I'm also interested to see how the relationships between the characters develop. Overall, a very solid piece!

Grammar:

scarlene wrote:

I heard an unfamiliar, ice-cold voice command Matthew to leave the house, which, he strangely obeyed without any convincing.

I think the comma after which is not needed. “I heard an unfamiliar, ice-cold voice command Matthew to leave the house, which he strangely obeyed without any convincing” seems more natural in this scenario.

scarlene wrote:

After a few minutes of driving, I finally took all my courage and asked,
“Where are we going and who are you?”
He turned to me and smiled,
“Sorry about that…

The dialogue after the commas are capitalized when they should be lowercase.

scarlene wrote:

That Matthew is not only a jerk but also a spy for the most powerful villain in the galaxy.

I think adding a comma after “jerk” would make more grammatical sense? “That Matthew is not only a jerk, but also a spy for the most powerful villain in the galaxy” flows better.

scarlene wrote:

“Damien,” I muttered anxiously, “We need to hurry up! They’re on our tails!”

The “we” should be lowercase.

scarlene wrote:

And, surprisingly, the villain is trying to track you down, that is why he sent Matthew to be your ‘friend’.”

I think you can remove the comma after the “And”.

scarlene wrote:

Damien carried on, “The villain has feelings for you.” breathed steadily. The villains had feelings for me?

I think this part might be a typo? Also “The” should be lowercase.

Other than a few small grammar errors, the passage had great grammar! Unfortunately I fall pray to a lot of spelling and comma errors so I use a lot of spell check. xD

General Overview/Thoughts:
I enjoyed the passage while reading it and was curious to find out more. I’m interested to see what the villain’s motivations are and the backstory behind how certain characters got to where they are now. But I’m sure that information will be revealed later. As for the passage itself, Jane doesn’t seem that surprised when Damien drives away with her and tells her that villains from another galaxy are trying to get her. She only seems surprised when it’s revealed the villains have feelings for her. I’m not knowledgeable on this particular world, so I don’t know if people from another galaxy is super common in the context of the story, but if the story was set in a realistic setting, it would be nice to add a line about her surprise or disbelief. That way the reader knows that this is unusual.

Also, when Damien takes Jane away and tells her to get in the car, she doesn’t seem to really be scared (besides the line where she gathers up her courage). In the action sequences you do a good job of showing Jane’s anxiousness, but here she seems a little nonchalant. I think adding a sentence or two about how she is feeling in the moment would allow the reader to really connect with Jane!

Other than those two small things, I liked the passage and it made me curious for more. I thought you did a good job of portraying dialogue that develops the plot and shows us more about the characters! (For example, we know from the dialogue that Damien is calm and calculated, Jane is confused and scared, and the pursuers are dangerous, all while progressing the plot!)

486 words
2288 words overall

Daily 12- Caraval themed cabin intro (157 words)

The intoxicating scent of velvet, chocolate and wine tickles your nose as you walk up to the colorful maze of tents. It’s organized chaos, with hundreds of people in fancy dresses and suits wandering around. You spot a game of kissing chess, where pretty girls wander up to nobles and give them a kiss. You promise yourself you’ll join in later. Above you, written on the arch, is “Welcome to Caraval” in a curly and elegant font.
You’ve arrived.
Three people in matching scarlet cloaks and top hats stride up to you purposefully. The one in the middle, with dirty blond hair braided into a crown and a pirate-y bodice, says “Welcome to Fan-fi. Remember, it’s all just a game…” She says cryptically, handing you a rose as she walks away. Dangling off the stem is a note. The slip of paper reads: Sbyybj gur tvey jvgu gur gnggbbrq znc.
It seems the games have already begun.

7/11/2023
- because i was watching anohana
- amount: 285

FULL:
You pick your way through the tangled vines, arm over your mouth and nose to prevent inhaling any of those sickly purple fumes surrounding the dark forest. It was supposed to be day, but when you entered the forest, it seemed none of that mattered. Creatures of unknown origin screeched overhead, crawled on the forest grounds, scurried through the creeks and streams. Tangled overgrowth thrived in the sharp winds, surging up towards the bleak sky. This was the location, right?

Before you can expand on your thoughts, a jet of vomit-colored goop wizzes slightly above your head. You shout in alarm, ducking immediately.

Turning around, you see the faint outline of an eldritch creature. It stomps through the flora easily, as if the dozens of thorns and oozing, poisonous liquid of tree sap didn’t bother it at all. Screeching and releasing a foul odor, it catches sight of you and bellows.

You don’t bother to scream—you immediately run for your life.

After what seems like forever, you look back once but crash into something solid.

“Oi, watch where you’re going!”

Turning around and backing away, you see a boy holding a vibrantly pink sundae, realization dawning on his face. “You’re the new recruit, aren’t you? Good thing you found the heart of the forest—you would’ve been devoured in the Cupid Woods on your own!”

He grabs your wrist and tugs you deeper into the forest. Bewildered, your eyes widen as you enter a force field of sorts. Something yellow ripples around you, and suddenly the gloomy forest disappears from view, replaced with a bumper crowd of people milling about in a garishly pink camp. The boy turns around and grins at you, “Welcome to Romance!”

SHORTENED:
You pick your way through the tangled vines, arm over your mouth and nose to prevent inhaling any of those sickly purple fumes surrounding the dark forest. It was supposed to be day, but when you entered the forest, it seemed none of that mattered. This was the location, right?

Before you can expand on your thoughts, you hear something behind you.

Turning around, you see the faint outline of a eldritch creature.

You don’t bother to scream—you immediately run for your life.

After what seems like forever, you look back once but crash into something solid.

“Oi, watch where you’re going!”

Turning around and backing away, you see a boy, realization dawning on his face. “You’re the new recruit, aren’t you? Good thing you found the heart of the forest!”

He grabs your wrist and tugs you deeper into the forest. Bewildered, your eyes widen as you enter a force field of sorts. Something yellow ripples around you, and suddenly the gloomy forest disappears from view, replaced with a bumper crowd of people milling about in a garishly pink camp. The boy turns around and grins at you, “Welcome to Romance!”

Cabin intro for I-don't-know-what-cabin:
Leaves crunch under your feet as you slowly stroll through the walking track. You’re going the way you always do, but there’s a small knot in your stomach. You’re doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. Something bad is going to happen.
You feel the knot curling and twisting, snaking its way through your stomach and into your arms, your legs, your chest. The sun shrinks behind the trees. You’re almost at the old stove. The sun’s light kisses the tree trunks. The knot inside you tenses as you reach the stove, made out of cleverly placed rocks. As the sun touches the horizon, you pause at the stove. There’s writing on it.
Hold me in the setting flame
And you will never be the same.
Cautiously, you place your hands on the stove. It’s strangely warm. Hold me. Do you need to take it out? You pull hard, knowing at the same time that if someone comes, they’ll probably report you. You yank the stove out as the sun’s last flames scorch the horizon. Squeezing the stove tight, you watch the world turn darker. It’s completely black. Your old world is fading. Dying.
What will you become?

july 12 - 156 words
this intro is for tragedy

You tiptoe across the stone pavement, not wanting to make a sound. With a bag on your back, and a ridiculously small uniform on, this is your first day of school.
Surely it can't be that bad, right?
Twists and turns away from home, the trip is long, but there's no bus.
Suddenly, a looming gate's shadow towers over you.
The gate is spiked and armed.
“This is not a good sign…” you mutter to yourself.
“ID?” a guard asks, his voice bored.
Passing him your ID card, you wait.
“In,” he gestures, handing your card back. You tuck it safely in your pocket and walk in quickly, afraid and growing more and more unsure of everything.
The gates slam behind you and and two older students usher you in the building.
“Welcome,” one says, “To the school. Your parents must be pretty crazy to send you here.”
The other continues, “Hope you survive, little one.”

critiquare feedback ^^

___________

overall, I loved the idea of the story, the main character starting to open up, shine with a passion. it was truly a very solid piece and I would definitely love to see more! mainly at this point, I think adding in more details and small touches is all the passage needs. other than a few minor bothers, this was an amazing job done! thanks so much for allowing me, and good luck with future writing <3

The night sky stretched above Orion, black and endless. Standing at the crest of this hill, it felt like he was floating out in space. But in space he’d be able to see the stars.

something about this doesn't seem right, most likely the wording I believe - you can try something a little different to phrase it better, such as “he had the impression of floating in outer space as he stood at the top of this hill. however, he would've been able to view the stars from above.”

Orion stepped to the right, then twirled forward, swaying in the wind.

again, the phrasing is a bit confusing? of course, you're able to understand, but it doesn't seem to suit/fit right. another ex: “orion took a stride to the right before turning and moving ahead while swaying with the breeze.”

She was a river, rushing by and shining in the sun like a thousand stars hid within.[/quote

He was a lake, stagnant and dark.

He was the night sky, and she was a constellation.

ooh, I like the symbolism you've added here, using nature's creations to compare and contrast - nice work!

Turn.

Step forward, back.

I'm sorry, what does this exactly mean? I get the part where you state their opposites, but “turn. step forward, back”. what are you trying to show? perhaps you can add more here or completely remove it, because it may be unnecessary?

But they were not there; they were shadows like him.

shadows of what? where did they come from, as what I can tell, he's looking upwards?

critique for @lizard-breath
218 words

lizard-breath wrote:

@lizard-breath wrote…
~~~~~
“Jenny, Jenny!” Odelia’s rosy cheeks flushed as she pulled at my sleeve. Her stubby finger pointed at a large stone gate encased on moss and billowing vines. “Can we go there?”

I shook my head. “Your mom said it’s off limits. You wouldn’t want to upset her, would you?” Odelia frowned in response. “Mommy never lets me do anything fun.” Her lips pouted slightly.

I brushed the loose strands of hair out of her chocolate creamy eyes. “Your mother restricted the quadrangle for a reason. It’s not maintained and dangerous. You could get hurt.”

Odalia frowned once more. Her pale skin blushed pink from sunburn. Stringy waves of blonde formed her shoulder length hair, pinned back with leopard print clips. She wore a billowy, summery, dress with baby blue flowers that brought on waves of nostalgia. We looked very much alike, her and I. To everyone we appeared as sisters. Slender frame and downturned eyes with a splash of freckles across a set of full cheeks.

I tugged on Odalia’s arm lightly, but she was still fixated on the door. “Come’on,” I said gently. “Do you want to do your favorite puzzle?”

“I want to see the quad place!” Odalia whined. “Mommy never gives me anything I want. Can’t we see it just this once?”

“No,” I replied firmly. “When your mother gets back you can ask her about it but not right now.”

The little girl looked hurt. “Don’t you want to see it too?”

I glanced over my shoulder at the door. It stood just as it always did. Tall and silent amongst the wooden fence surrounding the garden. So tall even I couldn’t see over the top. Trickling vines snaked across the barrier, whispering of secrets and tugging me closer. Moss dripped along the edges and spread over the cracks. Wide lines of leaves tangled themselves around the top. The greenery almost covered the entire barrier, shielding it from sight. When I looked at the door, I saw a curtain concealing an enigma that reached out and grabbed my hand, leaving traces of intrigue on my fingertips.

“Five minutes. You can look around for five minutes and then we need to leave.”

“Yay!” Odalia exclaimed, breaking away from me and beginning to run to the stone door. I grabbed her wrist before she could go any further. “You understand that after five minutes you have to leave right?”

“Yes, I know,” Odalia assured, attempting to run off again, but I held on to her wrist. “Promise?”

“Yes,” Odalia reaffirmed once more, rolling her eyes. “Now, c'mon open the door!”

Surprisingly enough, the door wasn’t locked or anything. It was simply closed with a large brass latch, so high up Odalia couldn’t reach it even if she was jumping. That feature was likely intentionally placed there. The latch required quite a bit of force to open, but I was able to open the door without many problems. For an enormous stone door, it wasn’t as imposing as it first seemed.

The quadrangle was a wild undergrowth of exotic plants, a majority of which did not grow in the area. Large drip leaves and prickly bushes, snaking vines and winding branches. Trees of many different species lined the area. The quad consisted of such a large collection of different greenery. It appeared like a melting pot of randomness.

Besides the plants was a mossy stone path that meandered its way through the quadrangle, twisting in unpredictable ways. It was clear that the quad had not seen maintenance for many years. Yet it still thrived with an inexplicable youth and livelihood. Odalia found it majestically alluring and beautiful.

We had already walked quite a good distance through the quadrangle before I stopped Odalia. “It’s been five minutes,” I urged, “we need to get back.” She shrugged me off and tugged me towards a cherry tree, but I stopped her.

“You promised me we would leave after five minutes, remember? What would your mom think if she caught us?” I squatted down to her level this time, readjusting the leopard hair clip that had fallen loose. Her hair was a tangled mess, much like a maze you had to practice multiple times to get through consistently.

Odalia looked at me with a toothy grin. “Mommy always comes home late on Fridays,” she explained nonchalantly. “And when she does, she’s loopy and reeks of something foul. Sometimes she can’t even walk straight.” Odalia picked a flower and held it up to me. It glistened a lustrous pink. “I’m sure she won’t notice.”

The flower, slightly wilted and brown at the edges, flittered in the wind with drops of dew dripping down the slopey curves of the petals.

It reminded me of a broken heart.

792 words

Overview:
I love the description of the characters and the setting, it really intrigues me as a reader to continue reading this piece. You did a good job of saying how the different characters act; I can see that Odalia is a persistent, wild little kid and that Jenny is a more of a reassured person. How you described the setting made me want to actually be in the quadrangle and see the beauty of it for myself. I'm literally in love with your writing style and the language you use, as well as Odalia - I love her personality.

Thoughts:

Odalia looked at me with a toothy grin. “Mommy always comes home late on Fridays,” she explained nonchalantly. “And when she does, she’s loopy and reeks of something foul. Sometimes she can’t even walk straight.” Odalia picked a flower and held it up to me. It glistened a lustrous pink. “I’m sure she won’t notice.”

This bit was hilarious. The mixture of the ‘loopy and reeks of something foul’ and Odalia's quirky personality was so funny.

The flower, slightly wilted and brown at the edges, flittered in the wind with drops of dew dripping down the slopey curves of the petals.

It reminded me of a broken heart.

Also, this ending bit really made me question Jenny's past and how she got to the point of looking after Odalia.

I glanced over my shoulder at the door. It stood just as it always did. Tall and silent amongst the wooden fence surrounding the garden. So tall even I couldn’t see over the top. Trickling vines snaked across the barrier, whispering of secrets and tugging me closer. Moss dripped along the edges and spread over the cracks. Wide lines of leaves tangled themselves around the top. The greenery almost covered the entire barrier, shielding it from sight. When I looked at the door, I saw a curtain concealing an enigma that reached out and grabbed my hand, leaving traces of intrigue on my fingertips.

Such good description in this paragraph; it blew my socks off! Even though I wasn't wearing any… Anyway, the language you put in there was so luring to me and I just wanted to be there. I could really imagine the vines, the fence, the greenery - it all.

Feedback:
There really isn't much to say negative since there's so many pros in that writing piece. I think you should definitely continue writing this or write about Jenny's past. I love, absolutely love your writing style and the vocabulary you come up with is just mind-blowing. You are a great writer!

cabin intro for hoorror - 194 words, points go to lit fi!!

You’ve been following the mossy stone path for what feels like centuries. It carries deep into the woods, seemingly without an end. Part of you is screaming to turn back, but you’re aching to know what lies at the end…
A stone gate appears out of the fog, and your heart nearly stops. It’s elegant and lined with gold, overgrown with vines and flowers. It opens with a low, eerie creak…
There’s a fountain behind this gate, and around it, a thriving garden of thorns and flowers. The sunlight casts rainbows through the water’s mist, and colorful butterflies fill the air. There are marble statues scattered throughout the greenery, their faces vaguely familiar…
You’re relived to have found this beautiful haven, and something tells you that there is much more behind it’s entrance. But you’re exhausted, so you decide to have a seat on the fountains edge…
Just then, the gate slams shut and fades into ash. The water in the fountain begins to dry up, and the statues are all broken on the ground.
“Welcome to your darkest nightmare,” calls a raspy voice.
And then a melodically creepy one - “You’re ours now.”

Name: Ava
Cabin: Lyric
Wordlimit: 170/200
Topic: Write a cabin intro
Content: July 12th Daily

LET'S GET IT

My cabin: Kpop.Just realized it has to be related to writingFanfiction.

You banged your head to the kpop music and started to sing softly, careful not to wake up anyone else. After a bit, you opened your notebook, the one you kept stashed right behind everything else in your shelf.

“Hmm, what shall I write today?” you said in the tune of the song. As you flipped through the pages, you landed on an empty one and picked up a pen, labelling the page ‘Fanfiction #56’.

The momment you started to write the opening line, a weird feeling took over you. Your body felt hazy, like a mirage, and after blinking once or twice, in front of you were two people.

“Hi!” the one in the middle squealed. “So you like kpop??”

You nodded, still uncertain who she was.

“Well lucky for you, you'll be able to see them all here!” The Person on the right smiled and the person on the left grabbed your arm.

“Cmon, what're you waiting for? You only have a limited time in the fanfiction realm!”

.

YOU KNOW I WANT THAT HOoOoOoOoooOME~
YOU KNOW YOU GOT THAT HOOoOooOOoOOOOoME~