CRITIQUE POST (idk might format this better later)


July 10: For @FireBlood23 ( https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/697128/?page=1#post-7371134 )

I like the concept of this one! It started off very nicely; the repetition used in the introduction, and then throughout the rest of the piece, did a good job of establishing the voice of Tane Mahuta as a character. However, it was somewhat unclear how the reader (or reader-insert, anyway) is supposed to be involved in the world being described. Tane Mahuta speaks to “you” as someone who perhaps questions his power, who thinks themselves to be “brave and clever,” but is “nothing but a pawn.” After that, though, “you” are never mentioned nor directly spoken to again, not even at the end, after Tane Mahuta finishes telling his story. Therefore, it is uncertain what purpose “you” are supposed to serve in this story. If “you” are supposed to be a human, it would probably make sense for Tane Mahuta to bring up that “you” are the same species as the humans he referenced in his story, and then that would provide a basis for him telling “you” to “bow to my might” in the beginning. Other than that, I really liked the story that was built up- quite a bit of world-building history revealed in a relatively short amount of time. I think you did a really good job of establishing Tane Mahuta’s point of view: his past experiences, current mindset, and goals for the future, as well as how all of those things are connected. The biggest technical error I noticed was that the tense wasn’t consistent- at one point, you said “This one seems to be listening. I will tell them my story,” but later, you said, “The human’s face glistened with tears, their eyes filled with a deep understanding.” It jumps from present tense to past tense, when the past tense should only be used for when Tane Mahuta is describing past events, not for when he’s talking about the human that he is currently speaking to. Overall, however, I think the passage flowed very nicely, and it was well-written!


July 11: For @Minecrafter13529 ( https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/697401/?page=1#post-7374100 )

I doubt I’m as good as ChatGPT when it comes to critiquing, but I’ll give it a go- xD My first impression was that it was very descriptive, and I liked the way you set the scene by highlighting details such as the light from the fires, the smell of rotten flesh, and the tears welling up in Jude’s eyes. It does a good job at capturing the fear present in this desperate situation. You could add more description to the characters’ first few lines of dialogue, though, as the word “said” was used three times in a row. Other than that, everything is nicely worded and the pacing is alright. I think the main thing that threw me off about this passage was that it wasn’t immediately clear that Jude’s point of view was the main perspective being focused on. It felt a little odd to transfer from what felt more like an omniscient narrator to what was definitely a subjective one. You might want to introduce him earlier on as the character through which the story is viewed, even in the first paragraph. Then, stick to that POV, describing everything going on through his eyes and thoughts, as you do in the latter two-thirds of the passage. Relatedly, I really liked the point of view presented by Jude’s character when he is feeling overwhelmed by trying to process what is happening. The words “There would be nothing left. He’d lost his parents, he’d lost everything” emphasized the emotions he was feeling, but it might be even more effective if his thoughts were relayed directly in first-person: “There’ll be nothing left. I’ve lost my parents- I’ve lost everything!” However, if this doesn’t really match your writing style, that’s fine; it’s already plenty emotionally hard-hitting as it is. For the rest of the passage, I don’t have anything much to critique. I thought the visual of everyone collapsing under the oak tree was very impactful, especially in regards to the contrast between the current situation and the memory of how they “hung out in seasons past” at that location. It reminds the reader that the characters have led happy, peaceful lives up until this point, but now suddenly everything they have ever known has changed. Finally, I think the conclusion of the prologue provides a good lead-in to the rest of the novel, from the foreshadowing presented by the “glowing white eyes” (Herobrine? :0), to the looming question of what they’re going to do now, to the cliffhanger created by Jude falling unconscious. Great writing!


July 12: For @tapdancer707 ( https://scratch.mit.edu/projects/874129384/ )

Aw, so sad :’< You did a very good job of conveying the emotion in this passage. As the reader, I felt a lot of sympathy for the main character and the loss they experienced. I honestly couldn’t find a whole lot to nitpick, but I’ve got to write something for this critique, so I’ll give it a try. Since you asked for any obvious grammar corrections, the sentence “Little kids set fire to the ends of sticks before parading them proudly around the adults and older kids, who constantly try to convince them to stop because that’s not exactly safe and a bunch of eight year olds with flaming torches is a terrifying sight” is a bit of a run-on. It felt somewhat awkward to read. I would recommend splitting it up into something more like “Little kids set fire to the ends of sticks, proudly parading them around. The adults and older kids were constantly trying to convince them to stop because it wasn’t exactly safe. Plus, a bunch of eight-year-olds with flaming torches is a terrifying sight.” Adding another sentence after that describing how the young children reacted, or whether the adults’ actions were futile, might help to complete the visual. Next, I think the section where your main character referenced the life-changing car accident should receive more focus. For such an important detail, it’s passed over unceremoniously in a single sentence. I’d also recommend slowing the pacing in the paragraph surrounding that sentence, maybe even splitting it into multiple paragraphs so that it stands out more. Next, the sentence “A bonfire of my own lights inside me, but instead of burning sticks and logs it’s rage, fear, pain” is REALLY good, but I think there should be a comma after “logs.” Also, if you wanted to make it more dramatic, you could separate the “rage, fear, pain” with periods instead of commas, but that’s entirely up to you and your writing style. The next few paragraphs are absolutely beautiful, and there isn’t a thing I would change about them. I particularly like your conclusion; it was very hard-hitting at the end. All in all, amazing writing! :00


July 13: For @Piper_Camps ( https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/695461/?page=1#post-7363611 )

First off, my usual disclaimer: critiquing song lyrics is always a little difficult because I don’t know the exact melody or rhythm you had in mind when you were writing them, so apologies if I interpret something incorrectly as a result of that. :’D That being said, yes, I can see this being put to music! The pre-chorus in particular flows very nicely, and I can hear it in my head without even having to try all that much. It also provides a very smooth transition between the verses and the chorus. If this was set to music, I’d imagine the beat drop to happen right at the end of the pre-chorus, then it would start up again gradually throughout the chorus, as it rises from quiet and slow-paced to louder and sharper for the final lines of the chorus. It’s a little bit harder for me to picture the tune of the verses, especially since each verse has a different number of lines and no repeating syllable pattern. I did feel that the lines “so i just nod with a straight face wishing away i could fly / while mom finishing screaming herself almost hoarse” felt a little awkward due to having too many syllables, especially the latter line. You might want to rephrase that. Overall, I felt that the song successfully communicated the abusive situation that the speaker (and their siblings) are experiencing, as well as the speaker’s reactions and emotional responses. The title and theme of “walking on eggshells” is very fitting. I really liked how you concluded the song, with the speaker torn between their wish to escape and their concern for their siblings. It really summarizes how their situation has shaped their character into someone who is both very fearful and very protective and caring. I think you did a good job with this concept, and I’d love to see it if you ever did put it to music! ^^


July 14: For @PoemFlower ( https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/697496/?page=1#post-7380677 )

To start, let me just say that I really liked your direct interpretation of the flower symbolism. Having your characters aware of the meanings behind the flowers, instead of just making them be symbolic to the reader, made the story’s emotion feel very immediate and genuine. The repetition of “separation” when Mary broke down crying in the garden even provided a structure for that whole section. There was also some symbolism in the weather, I noticed- It set the mood throughout the whole passage: bright and sunny in the joyful beginning, then becoming stormy during the hardship in the middle, and finally becoming sunny again at the end. The personification of the sun was a nice touch, from when it was “painting yellow” to when it “shared a lone ray.” It was well-worded and definitely made the passage more interesting. Honestly, I couldn’t find many things about your writing to fix. If I had to suggest something, I’d say set up a few more interactions between the characters at the beginning in order to really establish a sense of their personalities and the nature of their relationship. That would help the reader form closer attachments to the characters, and therefore the pain of seeing them separated later on would be more impactful. Also, maybe introduce the Everlasting flower at the beginning, so that the ending of the passage references something that is already familiar, creating a recurring image to support the central theme of undying friendship. As far as grammar/punctuation/clarity errors go, there were fewer than one would expect for a piece that you mentioned was translated with Google Translate. The few that I caught were “five-petal flower” should be “five-petalled flower,” there should be a period after “observe it better” and a capital letter used to start the next sentence, “the harm she made me” should be rephrased to something more like “the harm she caused me,” “vision field” would sound better as “field of vision,” and there should be a period after “getting away from you.” (There may be others that I missed, I’m not the greatest at proofreading- ) Anyway, yeah, there isn’t really anything else I’d correct. This passage was excellently written, great job! :3


July 15: For @stvrriii ( https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/694457/?page=22#post-7382585 )

I’d say you succeeded in making your passage interesting. :3 Nonfiction is such a difficult genre to make engaging, but your writing’s not bad! /pos Starting off with the introduction, it’s a very strong beginning. It references a lot of basic facts about the moon and people’s relationship with it, but doesn’t go into too much detail too early. The introduction reconfirms all the things that come to the reader’s mind when they think of the moon, so it provides a perfect entry into the deeper information you are about to present to them. That information is then communicated with lots of attention-capturing adjectives: “rugged, barren” and “spectacular” in just the first body paragraph after the intro, for example. One thing I’d change would be the order of the body paragraphs. You start out by talking about the landscape of the moon, but then you transfer to talk about human achievement regarding the moon, and then go back to talking about the moon’s physical characteristics (this time in relation to Earth), before returning to the topic of human space exploration. I’d recommend moving the paragraph about the Apollo moon landings to right before the paragraph about future moon missions since they are more closely connected topics- the past and potential future of humans on the moon. Another thing that might be worth changing was that you wrote “The moon's influence on Earth is perhaps its most significant impact” despite having stated “beyond its influence on our planet, the moon is a fascinating world in its own right” in your introduction. These two sentences seem to contradict each other, and further, the intro paragraph implies that the moon’s influence on Earth is NOT the topic of your writing, when it is actually one of the major topics you touch on. You should probably rephrase the way you wrote the introduction sentence to something that acknowledges that the moon is BOTH majorly influential for Earth AND interesting in its own right. As for your conclusion paragraph, it was short but effective. It closely mirrors the points you made in your introduction and summarizes the passage in total. All in all, your writing was good and I applaud your effort to make nonfiction interesting! (If only my school textbooks did the same xD)


July 16

(didn't do one)


July 17: For @fari2 ( https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/694457/?page=23#post-7384802 )

Immediately from the start, it’s very relatable. I loved the phrases “late hours were her epiphany” and “waiting for her creations to become something beautiful,” because, I, too, am a 3 am artist. You honestly described me with that paragraph better than I can describe myself. Only suggestion I have is that reusing the word “little” twice in the first two sentences sounds kind of repetitive, maybe try saying something along the lines of “Ever since she was very young” instead. In the next paragraph, I don’t think that first “as” is supposed to be there. Good way to express the passage of time, though. The next paragraph contains the phrase “draw all the colours of the myriad which decorated her tapestry of success,” which I think is absolutely gorgeous wording, a perfect metaphor. I love that so much. :0 Continuing on, the change in tone was very sudden and very striking. It worked well, especially since the following paragraphs continued to use that poetic language, but now, the words held negative connotations, and seemed so much more harsh, yet still beautiful in a way. One correction- “belittling her to being an outcast” should be “belittling her *for* being an outcast.” The rest of it looked completely pristine; there’s nothing else really for me to critique. May I just say that the conclusion was brilliant, both in the way it echoed the “that was enough” from the beginning, and the way Ambrosia’s personality really shone through? I really liked it! You totally succeeded in making a realistic and relatable character- I think the majority of people can agree that at some point or another, the weight of expectations and judgement, whether from family, school, or society, has tried to cage their brains. But individuality finds a way, some little protected haven, where the spark can be kept alight- Yeah, sorry for rambling a bit, but that part just really resonated with me. :’3 Amazing writing!


July 18: For @-BrokenMelody- ( https://scratch.mit.edu/projects/874909710 )

The story was good, but there were lots of grammar errors. I tried to catch them all, in order of appearance: You left out the word “of” in the phrase “the sound my tulips’ stems cracking.” There should be a comma after “if you put enough.” The “She” after “I triple dog dare you!” should not be capitalized. When the eggs are being thrown, you should use “threw,” not “through.” The phrase “confused on why she was angry” would make more sense with “about” instead of “on.” The period goes inside the quotation marks in “stupid imaginary friend.” There should be a comma after “delicate” in Genevieve’s dialogue “Your theory is still false, eggs are delicate.” There should be a comma after “she’d understand.” You put “out” instead of “our” in “the second story of out house.” There should be a comma after “why would you do that.” You left out the word “the” in the phrase “drove to emergency room.” There should be a comma after the mother says “Betty” and “Betty look at me.” The “She” after the dialogue should not be capitalized. There should be a period after “She sniffled.” The phrase “out to hand” should be “out of hand,” and there should be a period after it. There should be a comma after “She sighed.” There should be a comma after “Shhh, shh.” There should be a comma after “talk to her ever again,” and a period after “Never.” There should be a comma after “I promise,” and a period after “Mommy.” There should be a comma after “Later that night,” and remove the comma after “dinner.” The dialogue of “Hi and “Hey” needs commas and periods added, too. You should use “were” instead of “was” in “There was a few minutes.” “The” should not be capitalized, and “blond haired” should be hyphenated. In the phrase “there’ll have to snap a few bones,” “there’ll” should be “they’ll.” There should be a comma after “don’t think straight.” “She” should not be capitalized.


July 19: For @rocksalmon800 ( https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/694457/?page=25#post-7388337 )

There is so much personality in this; I have no idea how you managed to personify literal peanut butter and jelly into such dynamic characters. xD Naming them Peebee and Jay is perfection, and the idea of them being a married couple who constantly disagrees is just so hilarious. Even though the concept is completely ridiculous, I found myself able to picture it quite easily. The descriptive words and the sound effects were on point, oozing with character, emotion, and humor. I particularly liked how you utilized the consistencies of both food substances to add detail to the characters, with Peebee being sticky enough to get the playing card to stick to her, and Jay sneezing up a goopy glob of jelly. However, at the same time, they act in very human ways, from playing cards to acting along with a TV show. It makes the characters very relatable and complex while still retaining their identities as food items. I can fully allow myself to believe that they are a real married couple who argues over everything and annoys each other endlessly, but whose actions sync up perfectly when they have a common goal- In this case, the shared moment of panic when they realize that “the roommate” is coming, and the way they then sped for the cabinet together. Having them roll their eyes in unison is also a great touch, and it really symbolizes their whole dynamic. I’m not sure what “sandwich-like speed” is supposed to imply, but it’s a great phrase all the same, lol. Even “the roommate” had a lot of personality in just the few sentences he was in- whistling and humming cheerfully, talking to himself, finding that he somehow left his sunglasses in the fridge– Definitely another relatable character. So yeah, this passage was brilliantly written and very funny- I loved it, and I don’t think there’s a single thing I would change! Except maybe, write more adventures about these guys! xD


July 20: For @Lizeus10salmon ( https://scratch.mit.edu/projects/866830388/ )

Historical fiction is not my greatest strength, nor am I great with history in general, so you might want to get someone else to critique about the “genre” part. However, if historical was what you’re going for, there should probably be more focus on the historical beliefs about Jupiter. The majority of the passage was just Augustus chattering on about scientific facts about the planet, with very little writing actually devoted to the god Jupiter or how the belief in Jupiter affected Roman society or Marcus personally. Also, I don’t know if you’ve written about these characters before, but it would be nice to get some background on their friendship. Time-traveller friendships are so interesting, and I’d love to get more insight into how the differences in the prevailing beliefs of their separate time periods affect interactions like this one. Having Marcus fall asleep felt like a hurried ending, and it could have been made stronger by actually having these two characters discuss the topic in more detail. In the process, you could reveal more about the nature of their characters. Does Marcus believe the things Augustus is saying, and if so, just because Augustus comes from the future, or because he trusts his friend? What does Augustus think about Roman mythology and his friend’s belief in it? There could be a lot more depth to this situation and these characters, but the passage doesn’t reveal much. It does say Marcus “sighed” when he looked at Jupiter and then referenced him thinking about his first fight in the Colosseum, but no further detail was given to this apparent backstory, or how Jupiter reminds him of these experiences, or anything. Okay, now onto grammar and clarity stuff- I’m pretty sure “looked up the sky upon Jupiter” was incorrectly written; it probably was meant to say either “looked up *to* the sky” or “looked upon Jupiter.” Next, the word “coliseum” should say “Colosseum” since it refers to the one in Rome where the gladiator fights occurred. There should be a comma after “the newcomer said.” Then, there are some capitalization and punctuation errors relating to proper format for dialogue, but nothing that interferes with the clarity or ease of reading. There were also some errors relating to typos and using the wrong words in certain places, such as writing “of” instead of “off,” “then” instead of “the,” and “it’s” instead of “its.” However, again, nothing too serious that got in the way of the sentences making sense. The only sentence that could ahve used more clarification was “Jupiter has a giant storm going on for hundreds of years already,” because it doesn’t say whether the “hundreds of years already” is by Augustus’s 2023 point of view or Marcus’s ancient Roman one. Other than that, the only other sentence I’d reword is the last one, since it’s kind of a run-on and would be better if split into multiple sentences.


July 21: unfinished

Hey, this was pretty good! I like how it includes elements of Greek mythology while at the same time, telling a story about being an outcast and getting bullied that many people can relate to and/or sympathize with, even if they knew nothing about the mythological stuff. Your characterization was well done, especially the body language and small behavioral details. Each character, as well as Ikaros’s relationships with them, was unique and memorable. However, more detail could be given to the bully characters. It would make sense to add in some backstory about how and why they had picked on Ikaros in the past, and explain why they seemed willing to literally kill him when Ikaros’s only fault was that he didn’t live up to their expectations. The fact that he almost died of drowning is pretty extreme, going beyond just normal bullying. Were the bullies truly intending to drown him, or were they messing around and went too far? They didn’t seem too bothered by the fact that they almost killed a person, as they left laughing, so do they simply have no regard for life in general, or is there a reason they target Ikaros in particular? Do they hate Ikaros for any personal reasons, or is he just an easy target for their cruel desires? Not all of these questions have to be addressed in this passage, but since you said this was an excerpt from a larger novel you’ll working on, these are some of the things that should probably be touched on at some point, especially if the bullying persists and becomes a significant part of Ikaros’s character arc as a whole- which it should be, as it wouldn’t make sense for this to be just an isolated incident. Anyway, I really liked Ikaros’s complex relationships with the other figures in his life: Evengeline, the nursemaid who he assumes he is too old for, but who he loves and confides in more than anyone else. Daedalus, his famous father whose legacy he can’t live up to and who he is distanced from. His mother, who he was close with, but she died. And Perdix, his father’s apprentice, who is older and smarter, but also looks out for him and is friendly and supportive to him.


July 22: For @legocookie6 ( https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/616519/?page=2#post-7396930 )

This is a really nicely-detailed fight scene. All the moves were explained in such a way that I could picture them quite easily, as were the expressions and movements of the characters. The only part that could use more detail was the setting: the sparring ground where this took place. At one point, you mentioned there was a wall that Kyle was trying to use to his advantage by backing Selina up against it, but other than that, there isn’t much in the way of description of the setting. I’d say that that was really the only thing holding me back from being able to fully visualize the fight scene. Otherwise, the scene was extremely easy to picture in motion. The word choice was effective enough- I have no experience whatsoever with swordfighting or hand-to-hand combat, but I could still understand the ways in which the characters were advancing, dodging, and clashing with each other. The passage also conveyed how equally-matched the characters were in combat, even without stating it outright. (Although, I still think stating it outright was a good idea, as it shows how Selina is aware of this fact.) The only misspelled word I noticed was in the fifth paragraph, where “struck” was instead written as “stuck.” As for the pacing, it worked well. In parts where Selina was studying Kyle or otherwise thinking things over, the pacing was slower, more thoughtful. In parts where the fighting was in action, the pacing was quicker, more immediate. The shifts in pacing weren’t dramatic or anything, but that makes sense, as this passage is just a fight scene; there weren’t huge reveals or unexpected twists- just combat. There isn’t anything I see that needs fixing with the pacing. I do like how the direct action is broken up by Selina’s thoughts and once, a couple short lines of dialogue. The passage doesn’t give any context as to how these characters know each other, but it is apparent that they are familiar with and respect each other, and they’ve known each other a fairly long time. This helped the passage hold my interest, as well as give insight into the characterization, even though the main focus was the sparring. It made me curious as to how the passage would be different if it had been focused on Kyle’s point of view instead. I liked this passage and I’d definitely be willing to read more of your book! :0


July 23: didn't do one


July 24: For @Rainstorm-09 ( https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/697239/?page=1#post-7398194 )

I started by reading the first chapter to ensure I had all the necessary context, and I’m glad I did. I like the atmosphere created by the first chapter, both in Storm’s private life with her cat and in the introduction to the Assassins Guild Headquarters. It set up the main character, setting, and basic premise very well for leading into the second chapter. I suppose the thing that stood out to me the most about the second chapter was the abundant foreshadowing. From the warning about the new members being “a little bit different than what you're used to,” to Martyn’s handshake being described “as if he was used to gripping things,” to Storm’s first thought upon hearing the reward being “What happens if we fail?,” there is definitely something up. Also, the hair-dyeing thing was sure talked about a lot; I bet that’ll be important later. The cliffhanger at the end also added tension and indicated that the rest of the story would be heavily reliant on Storm’s personal backstory with Pearl Capri, which was hinted at previously, in the first chapter. I didn’t catch any spelling errors in the passage, but there was one grammar mistake that I saw a few times throughout. When a character finishes saying a piece of dialogue, the next word in the sentence (if the sentence doesn’t end there, of course) isn’t capitalized, unless it’s a word that would be capitalized normally, like a name. For example, the “He” in the sentence “‘And I could go for a light green colour.’ He said with a grin” should not be capitalized, and the period should be a comma because it is all one sentence- “He said with a grin” isn’t a complete sentence in itself. If it is a complete sentence in itself, however, it’s fine to leave it that way, such as “‘I’ve been told that Aubrey Harrison, the mayor of Brighton Hove, is trying to reopen West Pier.’ He glanced at Storm.” There are also occasions where there could be two separate sentences, but it could also all be part of the dialogue sentence. The way it is written, “‘Don’t you get it?’ He mumbled” is two sentences, where the character speaks the dialogue and THEN mumbles, but if the “He” wasn’t capitalized, it would be one sentence where the character says the dialogue in a mumbled voice. Sorry that’s such a nitpicky thing to point out, but I had to find something about your passage to critique! Overall, it was very good, with an intriguing start to a plotline and an interesting main character. I would want to read the rest of the story!


July 25: unfinished

Woahhhh, this was really good! Easily one of the best passages I’ve critiqued this session. Right from the start, it pulled me in with the personification of sickness as it’s “waiting to pounce” and is “a hand to hold on the way to death’s door.” The phrase “Emery chases it down these desolate streets and their stench of despair” felt a little ambiguous- is it meant to be “chases it down” as in Emery is hunting down the sickness, or “down these desolate streets” as in Emery is running the length of the streets? If the former, maybe rephrase it to “Emery chases it *through* these desolate streets,” and if the latter, use a different word besides “chases.” Personally, I like the first option better. Moving on, the continued personification of non-human things- the rain’s “chilling laughter,” the darkness greeting Emery “like an old friend,” and the shadows whispering Emery’s fears back to her- is really cool and also goes to contribute to Emery’s current state of mind. The phrase “The world tilts and she’s running sideways” is also a nice touch and an interesting scene to visualize. However, in the same paragraph, I noticed you used the words “barren wasteland” again, even though the same phrase was used only four short paragraphs ago. (It’s also used a third time later on in the passage, but by that point, it’s been long enough that it doesn’t stand out as repeating a phrase that I’ve just read. Same thing with “desolate streets,” a phrase also used three times in this passage, but spaced out enough to not seem too repetitious.) It’s not a huge deal, but to have more variety, you might want to reword one of those instances. Next, the whole memory flashback scene is incredibly well-written; it simultaneously explains the “sickness” in more detail, gives insight into Emery’s character and her backstory, and provides foreshadowing with the “Lying is easy as breathing.”


July 27: unfinished

This passage somehow perfectly encapsulates that feeling of devoting all your focus and energy into something, believing you’re making progress, telling yourself that it will work THIS time, sacrificing your time and your thoughts, only for it to still fall short in the end. I like that the introduction was an event that, chronologically, happened towards the end, and the passage then flashed back and described all the buildup to that scene. It ties into the “This was the day. The day it all ended. The day it would all begin.” concept you had going, because the “ending” was literally the beginning of this piece of writing. It begins where it ends. Except it doesn’t really “end,” because then there’s the scene written from Charlotte’s point of view that reveals that the machine didn’t actually work as intended. The introduction led me to believe that it WOULD work in the end, so when it becomes increasingly clear that it won’t and it didn’t, it is that much more impactful. I really liked that. Hester’s gradual character development throughout the part that showed her working on the machine was done very subtly, but very effectively. In the beginning, Hester thinks a lot about the concept and the process of inventing- how trial and error is an essential step to success, a step that is unavoidable because the not-knowing-yet is the whole purpose of trying something new. However, as she continues to fail, she then starts to tell herself that sometimes starting out small is the only option and the important part is that she’s trying and continuing to make progress. This way of thinking is almost identical, but it’s beginning to sound more like an excuse, especially since the progress was nowhere close to what she needed to send people as far as another planet. Continuing on, she has to instruct herself to not give up, to not waste time, and it is clear that she’s getting more desperate. By the time she teleports the mannequin, she has lost her sense of time, having spent so long doing nothing but work on the machine. She even goes so far as to wonder “Where was the door again?” when she goes to tell everyone else the news. This is likely as much from the deteriorated mental state a person gets when putting that much focus and losing that much sleep into soemthing as it was from the euphoric excitement that


July 31: For @xXFierroOrFalafelXx ( https://scratch.mit.edu/projects/873238821/ )

Writing scripts for comics is something I’ve actually tried to do before, so a few tips: First, it helps to describe panel shape and layout in addition to just a description of what is being shown in the panels. For example, when “the queen curls her lip,” this is a close-up detail, so I can assume that the panel is a close-up of her face, or even just her mouth. However, in other cases, it’s harder to tell where the “camera” is positioned, or how much space the image takes up on the page. Saying things like “tall, rectangular panel, showing front view fullbody of with ” or “small, round panel overlapping previous panel, zooming in on ” is very, very useful. Second, make some sort of notations to separate the script descriptions from the on-page narrative text and dialogue. I assume the main character is narrating their story, at least in the introduction, because of the first-person sentence “My banishment from the island didn't feel real until I nearly drowned.” However, it easily blends in with the descriptions of the scenes, since there’s nothing setting it apart from the words explaining what the illustrations should be. The dialogue is also not separated from the art directions, but it really should be, just so that it’s easier for you to navigate the script. Third, descriptive writing in scripts should be the opposite of descriptive writing in a novel: Tell, don’t show. Instead of saying “the one who seems to be the queen,” just call her “the queen.” Then, describe how the art makes her “seem” to be the queen- is it what she’s wearing? Is she on some sort of throne or otherwise set apart from the other sirens? Is it the way the others are acting around her? Or is it just her regal manner? Really, the more detail, the better. With comics, the art does as much of the storytelling as the dialogue, so it is highly important to put a lot of detail into the art description parts of your script, even more so than if it were a novel. In general, think “if I handed this to an artist, could they draw what I’m imagining with the directions and information I’ve provided?” Anyway, those are all tips relating to script-making and format. There isn’t really enough storyline provided for me to critique. However, if you write more, I’d be happy to read it for you! Thank you for being my final critique of the July 2023 SWC session.

– 805 words in 9 minutes and 30 seconds. Not gonna lie, I didn't even know I could do that!

“Stop! Just stop! I want to be left alone!” Piper screamed at the top of her lungs, wanting and wishing to be left alone by the horrible monsters chasing her. She ran as fast as she could, just wishing hoping that her best friend would see her and run after the monster and kill them without a weapon. Her best friend was her only trustworthy companion and therefore the only person she felt safe bringing with on this trip. She was named Yasa. Yasa had known Piper since grade school and was an absolute beast of a champion. She had played kung fu and video games like a beast back then and knew so very much about Piper at that point in time. She was amazing in every way, and Piper looked up at her. In the corner of the background watching and recording it all Piper's evil mother, Yuuu stood in the corner just simply recording it all to put it on some kind of famous news channel. Piper was so annoyed at her mother's decisions. She wanted her to help, but she wouldn't. piper truly thought she would die staring into the eyes of this scary monster that stood before her. She yelled out to piper, and she ran over and tried to help her but she didn't do that great of a job. Piper then came up with the great idea of making a hotdog blender and blending up the monster in it. She didn't have to make it though because she had actually made a really really big one in her house yesterday, one that was 12 feet tall that currently stood in her backyard. The hard part would be getting it out of her backyard. Piper ran to her backyard and her friend Yasa guarded the monster from going anywhere else. She ran as fast as she could, which wasn't fast due to the fact she was only 8 years of age. Piper wanted help, and she wanted someone to come with her, but she knew nobody would. She then fainted. And the monster was still alive.
She woke up at a hospital. She was absolutely struck with confusion when she woke up and found herself in a room, in different clothes as well. She wanted to scream to ask to get out of this place, or at least a good description of where she was.
That's when she heard from a doctor that was talking about her saying
“poor girl. No parent came with her. She was all alone and just fainted right in front of us. How sad! ” she started crying out of self pity. She didn't want to be here. She crawled her arms all across her body and slept on the bed with tears streaming down on her eyes. She felt so hurt. Pain surged through her veins as she laid there and she could not sleep as a result of it. A doctor soon came in and gave her a pill. Her throat… it hurt so much. She couldn't swallow the pill. She tried really, really hard to, but she couldn't. She was having trouble swallowing a pill that would help with the pain. The doctor forced it down her throat with water by crunching down the pill into pieces, and she successfully swallowed it. She was so happy she was able to chow it down/ She looked into the doctor's eyes and said “sir I need to get out of here soon or else the monster will come for you too.” The doctor laughed. She looked serious, however, and she knew that terrible things would happen if she didn't come to her friend's rescue. The idea of them trying to work at the monster alone horrified her. She was the chosen girl to kill them after all, according to all the prophecies..
She ran out of the hospital, looked for clues, and found her own footsteps. She ran after them all and saw the track she led and knew at that moment she would be able to go back to her home in safety. She was so happy! Her eyes brightened and her tears, starting to become ones of happiness, were relieved. She smiled and thanked God and then saw the monster starting to approach her. She had some injuries on her and she was unsure if she would be able to properly fight the monster, but she held out her sword and she sure as heck tried. She ran after it, slashed it with her sword, grinned, danced, and left. It followed after her. It wasn't dead. She had only assumed. But now she had to kill it and she didn't know how and it was a terrible fate for her. Who knows what would happen next for this young girl? She then hit it with an arrow in the eye and a tear watering down.

July 11th daily || Song used: a little known youtuber's lyrics version of the Doopliss battle song from Paper Mario: TTYD || Since the original song technically didn't have a name, this one also doesn't have a name. Maybe suggest names? || Original: 383 words - Parody: 392 words
~~~~~
Hey there writer, remember me?
Of course you don't, you have no stories.
Now you're just a little weeb
Since I stole your motivation, see?
Give it back? I disagree!
Cuz now I've got ideas for free
Once my cabin's in the lead
You'll fade away, I guarantee!
Your motivation belongs to me!

This sure beats
Stalking SWC
Like, look at that sleepless crowd
I've got to hand it to you, writer
Your ideas got me wowed!
Big, intense, extensive plots,
That's how good that sounds!
I'd love to stay and make you jealous,
But I can't stick around!

Hey, writer!
Where's that story you had all plotted out?
Oh, wait! You ain't got it no more! Ahahahaha!

Type one key and you will see,
That your motivation belongs to me
Plus your mangoes kept in safety
They're mine, all mine! Tee-hee-hee!
Basked in glory, basked in fame.
Used to laugh at enemies, gave them the blame
But I'm the writer of the game
You no longer know your story's name


Look who tried brainstorming back
You really crave the ideas you lack?
Throw the paper off the rack
Maybe grab one from that stack
You can say I've got a knack
For writing things while you've got flack
Maybe you should hit the sack
As I take a break, I need a snack
You won't get those ideas back!

All those SWCers think I'm better than you
You do dailies all too slow!
You really think that you could show them?
I'm sure you have nothing to show
“No more ideas, motivation, mangoes!”
The only thing you know!
You had your time on the top, there, writer
But that's all long ago!

Ah, I see you've got a session to win
Well, your stories are in another document…
My document! Ahahahahaha!

Type one key and you will see,
That your motivation belongs to me
Plus your ideas, all seventeen
They're mine, all mine! Tee-hee-hee!
Basked in glory, basked in fame.
Used to laugh at enemies, gave them the blame
But I'm the writer of the game
You no longer know your story's name

What? You gonna cry?
You gonna write about Nintendo-
Wait… wait a sec…
Umm… Backspace! BACKSPACE!
Forget that last sentence which contains ideas and motivation you definitely do not need.
Yeah, uh… nailed it. You'll never write, yeah…


Credit for the song belongs to a content creator who makes amazing lyric versions of many video game soundtracks known as Juno Songs on YouTube. They seruously make some great content, and if you like gaming and music, I'd advise you watch their stuff
Also, credit does belong to Nintendo for making the “Doopliss Battle” song from Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door in the first place.

Lyrics to the original song if you'd like to know:

Hey there slick, remember me?
Of course you do, this is your body
Now you're just an absentee
Cuz I stole your identity
Give it back? I disagree!
Cuz now I'm getting stuff for free
Once I start my jubilee
You'll fade away, I guarantee!
Now your name belongs to me

This sure beats running around in sheets, like listen to the crowd
I've got to hand it to you tubby, you really got them wowed!
“It's-a me! Mario!” That's how dumb you sound
I'd love to stay and mock you, slick
But I can't stick around
Hey, slick! You should really see the look on your face! Oh wait, you ain't got one no more! Ahahahahahaha!

Take one glance and you will see that now your life belongs to me
Plus your popularity
It's mine, all mine, Uee-hee-hee!
Bask in glory, bask in fame, and laugh at the one who gets the blame
I'm the hero of the game and you will never guess my name

Looks at who came crawling back
You really crave your own attacks?
Throw the towel off the rack
Because you know the odds are stacked
You can say I've got a knack
For getting praise while you get flack
Now it's time to hit the sack
Cuz I'm about to get my payback!

All those pigs think I am you
They're really all too slow
All the while, they're none the wiser
I'll skulk around under their nose!
“Wahoo! Let's-a go!” The only words you know
You've had your time in the limelight, slick
Now I will steal the show!

Ah, I see you got a girl to save
Well, your princess is in another castle!
MY castle! Ahahahahaha!

Take one glance and you will see
That now your life belongs to me
Plus your true identity
It's mine all mine, Uee-hee-hee!
Bask in glory, bask in fame
And laugh at the one who gets the blame
I'm the hero of the game
And you will never guess my name

What? You gonna cry?
You gonna pee your pa-
Wait, wait a sec…
Probably shouldn't have said that letter…
Uh, backspace! BACKSPACE!
Forget I said that last sentence which contains a letter that is definitely not in my name
Yeah, uh… nailed it. You'll never guess…

7/10/23
Original Song: 325 words
Parody: 356 words
Daily:

Today, we're bringing back an old favorite activity: SWC song parodies! To make your own, pick out one of your favorite songs, making sure that its lyrics are at least 250 words, and rewrite the lines to theme it after SWC. This daily will earn your cabin 100 points, plus an additional 50 points if you choose to share your writing.
If you're feeling stuck, lots of parody examples can be found in this studio: https://scratch.mit.edu/studios/31049335

Song Parodied: Be Prepared from The Lion King

I never thought this camp was essential
Thought it was crude and unspeakably vain
But now that I'm here I have potential
There are many things I have gained

(Hum! Hum! Hum! Hum!)

I know that your desire for perfection
Is as thick as a warthog's wet tongue

But wretched as you are, pay attention
Cause writing camp has dawned among

It's clear from your vacant expressions
The ideas do not come so quick
But we're talking dailies and weeklies
So, now's your time to pick

So, prepare for the hours of burnout
Be prepared for sensations of doom
A shiny new cabin
Your teammates just must win

And where do we sign in?

Just listen to Robin

I know it sounds horrid
But you'll be rewarded
With a month of fun things you can do

And to grow and be graciously spared
Be prepared!

(spoken
Yeah, we'll be prepared! Be prepared for what?

For non-stop writing!

Why? Are we stupid?

No fool, we're gathering up points. For our cabins, too.

Great idea! Who needs sleep?
No sleep, no sleep, la-la-la-la-la-la!

Idiots! Of course you'll sleep.

But you said-

Scratch Writing Camp is not just about writing
It's about setting goals and new relationships

Yay! Long live the camp! (Long live the camp!)

It's great that we'll soon be connected
With a group of Scratchers just like us

Of course, quid pro quo, you're expected
To take up some duties without fuss

Make sure to be on thrice a week
And write as plenty words as you need
But don't be afraid to take breaks
Or stress might be visible on your face

So prepare for the hours of burnout
Be prepared for sensations of doom (Doom, doom, doom)
A shiny new cabin (We'll have friends)
Your teammates just must win (Lots of friends)
You stay up till midnight (I can't wait)
Completing dailies without fright (To begin)

Get ready to come in
And see all the fun things
That you can achieve when you're here

Yes, my pens and my brains are somewhere
Be prepared!

Yes, our pens and our brains are somewhere
Be prepared!

Daily, 574 words
Based off Shake it Off by Taylor Swift

I stay up too late
Got words in my brain


That’s what my parents say, mmm-mmm
That’s what my parents say, mmm-mmm


I pull too many all-nighters
But I can’t get in control of my life


At least, that’s what my parents say, mmm-mmm
That’s what my parents say, mmm-mmm




But I keep writin’
Can't stop, won't stop typin’
It's like I got this story in my mind
Sayin', “You better write me”




'Cause the mangoes are gonna become eat, eat, eat, eaten
And the goats are gonna be pet, pet, pet, petted
Well, I’m just gonna write, write, write, write
I write it all, I write it all


Arsoners gonna arson, arson, arson
And the campers gonna camp, camp, camp, camp
Well, I’m just gonna write, write, write, write
I I write it all, I write it all






I never misspell anything
I'm lightnin' on my fingers
And that's what my parents don't see, mmm-mmm
That's what they don't see, mmm-mmm
I'm typin’ on my own (Typin' on my own)
I make the plot up as I go (Plot up as I go)
And that's what my parents don't know, mmm-mmm
That's what they don't know, mmm-mmm






But I keep writin’
Can't stop, won't stop typin’
It's like I got this story in my mind
Sayin', “You better write me”


'Cause the mangoes are gonna become eat, eat, eat, eaten
And the goats are gonna be pet, pet, pet, petted
Well, I’m just gonna write, write, write, write
I write it all, I write it all


Arsoners gonna arson, arson, arson
And the campers gonna camp, camp, camp, camp
Well, I’m just gonna write, write, write, write
I write it all, I write it all


Write it all, I write it all,
I, I, I write it all, I write it all,
I, I, I write it all, I write it all,
I, I, I write it all,f, I write it all,




Hey, hey, hey
Just think, while you’ve been getting bored with life
And the horrible parts of life
You could've been feeling better
With this awesome camp




My enemy camp had a new leader who was my friend
She's like, “Oh my Mango!” But I'm just gonna write


And to the scratcher reading this
Won’t you join this camp?
You can write, write, write.
Yeah, oh, oh, oh




'Cause the mangoes are gonna become eat, eat, eat, eaten
And the goats are gonna be pet, pet, pet, petted
Well, I’m just gonna write, write, write, write
I write it all, I write it all


Arsoners gonna arson, arson, arson
And the campers gonna camp, camp, camp, camp
Well, I’m just gonna write, write, write, write
I write it all, I write it all (I,I,I)




Write it all, I write it all,
I, I, I write it all, I write it all,
I, I, I write it all, I write it all,
I, I, I write it all,f, I write it all,
Write it all, I write it all,
I, I, I write it all, I write it all,
I, I, I write it all, I write it all,
I, I, I write it all, I write it all,(Yeah!)


You better join this camp
I, I, I join this camp, I join this camp (You got to)
I, I, I join this camp, I join this camp
I, I, I join this camp, I join this camp

July 11, 2023

SWC Parody based off Mastermind by Taylor Swift (Keep in mind I'm half joking in this song. I don't only do SWC to win– if I did I would not keep participating like I do xD)

Once upon a time, the poets and the writers
And all the editors aligned
The mango enthusiasts ended up in the same room
At the same time

And the whisk of a pen lit the fuse
Of a chain reaction of cabin rooms
To connect the collective views
Checkmate, we couldn’t lose

What if I told you none of it was accidental
And the first time I was writing
Nothing was gonna stop me
Leaders laid the groundwork, and then
Just like clockwork
The cabin points all racked up in a line
What if I told you I’m a mastermind?
And now it’s mine
This was all by design
‘Cause I’m a mastermind

You see, all the wisest writers
Had to do it this way
‘Cause we were born to procrastinate
All the half-finished essays

If you fail to write, you plan to fail
The dailies, sets the scene for the tale
The arsonist, noting every detail
Warring cabins to some avail

What if I told you none of it was accidental?
And the first time that I signed up
I knew I wanted to win it
Leaders laid the groundwork, and then
Just like clockwork
The cabin points all racked up in a line
What if I told you I’m a mastermind?
And now it’s mine
This was all by design
‘Cause I’m a mastermind

I never wanted to write as a little kid
So I’ve been finishing short stories ever since
To help me grow as a writer, employ all my tricks
This is the first time I’ve not procrastinated
And I swear
I’m only sleep deprived and chaotic
‘Cause I care

So I told you none of it was accidental
The first time they invited me
Nothing was gonna stop me
Leaders laid the groundwork and then,
With a wide smirk, on my face
The results finally arrived
They knew I was a mastermind
And now it’s mine
Yeah all they did was smile
‘Cause I’m a mastermind

331 words, 336 words originally

Write (Run by OneRepublic)

When I was a young kid searching for camps
All I did was search, search, search, search, search
Looking at all the cool camps, wanting to join in one
A friend said, “Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey”

“You should totally join, this really cool camp,
It’s filled with mangoes and chaotic-ness
But the camper sign-ups are soon,
Friend, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait

Yeah, wait, wait, wait
Wait, wait, wait

When I was a young kid in SWC
All I did was write, write, write, write, write
And every time I got inspiration
I could write for three, four, five, six days
Motivations up, motivation low,
Chasing it, before it goes
Looking back at my writing, it was kinda bad
Gotta, write, write, write, write, write

They tell you that you should write for cabin wars
Or else you will lose your points
So, I write until we hit that goal
Yeah, I learned a lesson, don’t lose cabin wars
So, you don’t lose your points write, write, write

Yeah, one day, it’ll be cabin wars
Yeah, one day, you could lose your points
So, I write until we hit that word goal
If I learned one lesson, win cabin wars
So that you don’t lose your points and write, write, write
Write, write, write

Didn’t reach my word goal like I wanted
But I wrote a whole lot, yeah, yeah
I see a new plot unfolding
Right in front of me
So, my motivations up, now it’s low
When will writer’ s block end, we’ll never know
But until it ends let’s have some fun
Gotta, write, write, write, write, write

They tell you that you should write for cabin wars
Or else you will lose your points
So, I write until we hit that goal
Yeah, I learned a lesson, don’t lose cabin wars
So, you don’t lose your points write, write, write

Yeah, one day, you could lose your points
So, I write until we hit that word goal
If I learned one lesson, win cabin wars
So that you don’t lose your points and write, write, write
Write, write, write

Write, write, write
Yeah, write, write, write

Yeah, I learned a lesson, don’t lose cabin wars
So, you don’t lose your points write, write, write
Yeah, I learned a lesson, don’t lose cabin wars
So, you don’t lose your points write, write, write

Yeah, I learned a lesson, don’t lose cabin wars
So, you don’t lose your points write, write, write

Critiquitaire Submission- Disclaimer for referenced character death, and uh, disconnect with reality, I guess-

Do you mind if I steal your eyeballs? Well, I guess it’s not really stealing if I ask first, is it… How about borrowing them for a while? Would that be alright?
Just kidding! I already have them. You’re reading these words, aren’t you? That means I successfully captured your eyeballs. You could take them back at any time, of course, and I, your humble narrator, could do nothing to stop you. But something tells me you’ll keep reading. You see, you’re a single thread in a vast weave, trying to tie yourself into my world. And I’m the one who’s good with knots.
So, what do you say- can I keep your eyeballs for a while? I promise I won’t eat them. And a promise is kind of like a knot, isn’t it?

Memory is a fickle thing. But then again, so is time itself. And so is everything else. An arrangement of sand, forever shifting, trickling through the hourglass, being torn down and rebuilt. Always changing, creation and destruction in equal measure. My hatching should have been evidence enough of that.
Most shazarxi don’t remember their hatchings. I do. A perfect eggshell, round, smooth, and simple. It was warm on the inside. Eventually, the day came when it could no longer contain me. However, my egg didn’t just crack as I emerged- it exploded. My first experience of the world was being immersed in a bright blur as fragments of shell crashed down around me. It was quite unusual, they all said. No shazarxa had ever hatched that way before. Still, I had four legs, two wings, fourteen claws, a tail, and a face- nothing at all strange about me. Life moved on, and they forgot.
I believe that’s what’s called foreshadowing.

“I brought you a gift!” I chirped, scampering up to my father, Ember.
“I-it’s not spiders again, is it?” Thorn questioned, poking his head out from underneath Ember’s wing. My brother was always so nervous about everything. I couldn’t imagine why.
“No- look!” I sat back on my hind legs, and used my front paws to hold up the circle of branches I had tied. It was almost as big as I was, although that didn’t mean much. I was basically the smallest shazarxa ever.
I stuck my face in the middle of the circle and giggled. “It’s a circle, see? With twelve knots- two for you, and two for Marigold, and two for me and two for Butterfly and two for Thorn and two for Teardrop! One for each of our eyes!”
Ember smiled proudly at me as I climbed his shoulder and plopped the circle on his head. It fit perfectly. “It’s very nice, Parsnip,” he purred.
I beamed. The plan had worked perfectly. That circle was full of thorns. One by one, they would fall off and get embedded in his fur, and be quite a nuisance. I couldn’t wait to see what he’d do! Hey, I mean, what else is the smallest shazarxa supposed to do for entertainment?

Over the next few seasons, I became even better at weaving branches and vines. The leader, Swift, assigned me the job of building dens into the wall of the canyon. We had nested on the ground until that point, but with the threat of wolves becoming a bigger issue, he thought it would be better to roost higher up.
I accepted, of course. I was good with my claws and skilled at structural design. Perhaps it was time to use those talents for something else other than tricking people.
I could fly by then, and so I circled up into the sky to view the canyon from above and choose the best location for the new dens. It was a wonderful day. The sunlight was bright, and I rode a warm updraft. The sun was so bright, in fact, that my eyes watered, and the updraft was strong enough to propel me up even farther than I intended. I blinked, realizing that the sky looked weird. It wasn’t blue anymore- more of a glowing green. I flapped my wings, only to realize that gravity had apparently given up on existence. A layer of clouds obscured my view of the ground- where had those clouds come from?
“Hey, Parsnip,” came a voice from above. Looking up, I saw an unfamiliar shazarxa with strangely green eyes- the color of the sky. They were floating upside-down. “Call me Wild. I’m the one who created your world.”
“Oh, cool,” I replied. This was interesting.
“Listen, I have a favor to ask you. You’re kind of a prankster character, yeah? I need you to prepare an epic plot twist- something dramatic that you can reveal in, oh, about six or seven season-cycles.”
Now it was getting even more interesting. “Sure,” I said.
“Great! I’ll bring you back to Half-Canon- that’s this place- soon, once you’ve gathered some thoughts to discuss.” With that, the shazarxa dove down into the clouds, and gravity suddenly worked again. I dove downward as well, but when I broke through the clouds, there was no sign of them- just the canyon.
Looking down at where I was supposed to build the dens, I began to have an idea…

I planned and designed, collected and constructed. Bit by bit, moment by moment, a woven network of dens sprouted on the side of the cliff. The time seemed to pass by quickly, and within the colony, life moved on. Many things changed.
The wolves attacked our camp. Several shazarxi were killed, including Swift. Ash became our next leader. And now everything’s a mess! It’s quite fun to observe sometimes. Wild says it’s all part of the plot.
I think I’m the only one in the colony who realizes the truth. This world is not the only world. Wild comes from another world, the one they call IRL. (It means ‘in real life,’ they told me, which, to me, implies that I’m living in ‘fake life.’ I told them this, but they just rolled their eyes.) They call my world, the one they created, Canon. The area where our two worlds overlap is Half-Canon, a sort of thought space, an in-between place that’s not really anywhere.
I’ve been going there a lot lately. I no longer need Wild’s interference to find my way. The timeline is different than my own, though, and I never know when or where I’ll end up. Actually, I’m not sure if time even exists there. Others from Canon come into it, too, from all points in time and space.
Teardrop thinks I’ve lost my mind. Perhaps I have. But in the great confusion of everything, it’s the one thing that makes sense.

I watched as Shade led her followers out of the canyon, not to return. Practically everyone was shouting something or other, and a thrill of excitement raced through my wings.
It wouldn’t be long now.
Ember and Marigold came rushing over to me, with Teardrop close behind. Ember wrapped us both up in his wings as if we were still hatchlings, but neither of us protested.
“I’m so glad you’re still here,” he whispered heavily.
“I couldn’t NOT be here,” I pointed out. “Wherever I am is the place I call ‘here.’”
Teardrop shot a glare at me through Ember’s floof. What? Oh, right. I was expected to be comforting or whatever. Thorn had left with Shade’s group, and everyone was very busy being upset about that. I probably should try to console them.
“Don’t look back, Ember,” I said in the gentlest voice I could manage. Turns out I’m pretty good at pretending. “Dwelling on the past won’t bring him back. Let him live his life, and you can live yours. He’ll be okay.”
“I was supposed to hold you all close,” he replied, still rather dazed. He didn’t lift his gaze from the ground.
I sighed internally and slipped out from under his wing, darting into my personal den. I came back carrying that old circle of branches from when I was a fledgling.
“Hey, remember this?” I asked. “It had thorns in it. You couldn’t get them off of your head for the longest time!”
At this, he raised his head and smiled faintly. Marigold took a step closer, also remembering.
“If you want, you can have it back,” I continued. “The thorns are gone now, but maybe it will remind you of Thorn.”
Gently, he picked it up off my claws. All four of us stood in a circle and looked at it for a long time.

Back in Half-Canon, I was chatting with a wolf. Her name is Chaos, and she was one of the wolves that attacked our camp a while back. I didn’t know her back then, so of course, we were trying to kill each other, but now we get along great. Everyone in Half-Canon can communicate perfectly with each other, regardless of our native languages. That was Chervil’s idea. (Chervil is a turtle.)
Wild walked in on our conversation, and we both stopped talking, looking to them expectantly. They grinned at us. “Parsnip! Is our little plot twist ready?”
“You know it is, Wild,” I smirked back.
“Good. It’s almost time.”
Time, time, moving forward whether you like it or not. Always bringing change.
And this time, I was the one bringing the change.

At last, the day I’ve been waiting for has arrived. The energy runs through every hair on my pelt, but once again, I must pretend that everything is normal. That I am normal.
I pop into Half-Canon just before the beginning of the end.
“Lucky- you get so much plot relevance,” Rain moans. “Most of my character arc was spent on an ISLAND.”
Chaos laughs. “I just wish I could be there to see it. Chaos is LITERALLY in my name, you know.”
<<My work begins immediately after this,>> Chervil chimes in thoughtfully. <<Prepare yourselves.>>
“And I don’t get to exist until after this happens!” River adds. “So bring on the future!”
I don’t reply, quiet for once in my life. Using Half-Canon’s powers, I imagine my circle of knots into existence. I poke my face through the center, just like I did all those seasons ago. It melts over my face like a mask, and I wonder: What if Teardrop was right all along, and I HAVE only been imagining this place?
I catch a glimpse of myself with the mask in a reflective pool. it looks exactly like who I’ve become.

Oh, the glorious confusion of battle. How can I possibly describe it? It’s a whirlwind of noise and movement, a deadly dance. Claws fly and jaws snap, wings spread and snarls ring out against the walls of the canyon.
I stay out of it, of course, Direct confrontation was never my thing. I am, after all, still a very small shazarxa for my age- what use would I be in a fight, anyway?
Or at least that’s the excuse I gave to Ash. I am more than capable of shredding someone’s fur off, I just have a bigger role to play. It won’t be long now.
He stands on the leader’s ledge, face to face with Shade. They begin monologuing at each other, and the battle around them pauses to listen. So predictable.
I see each moment in perfect clarity from my hiding place at the base of the cliff, among the branches that support the dens above.
The time for words has passed. The two shazarxi prepare to fight, circling.
I see the precarious balance in Ash’s eyes.
Then, he is launching himself at Shade- over Shade- plummeting to the ground below.
A sharp crack is heard, and then everything is absolutely still. Time seems to stop.
But it doesn’t.

~
(This concludes the under-2000-words excerpt required for the Critiquitaire. You can keep reading if you want, but you know, gotta make this disclaimer for, like, legal reasons. Pls don't come after me, SWC police– /hj /lh Also, if you continue, you also get a disclaimer for more immediate character death and ghosts :'D)
~

I step into sight, rustling my feathers only slightly. This motion triggers Teardrop out of their shock.
“YOU KILLED HIM!” he roars, flinging herself at Shade, not thinking. Stupid. They’ve already lost the battle.
Within moments, he is cornered beneath the dens alongside me. Shade and her followers have noticed me now, and they begin to close in on us both.
My time to shine.
“The one thing nobody realized,” I state simply, “is that the central support structure is the most important part of any building. It controls the rest, if you will.”
Shade looks confused for just an instant, and I grab the circle of knots with my tail, having snatched it from Ember’s den and stashed it there earlier.
“It’s the knot that ties it all together,” I continue. Nonchalantly, I swing the knotted circle with my tail, and it slices through a vine.
“Without it…”
A rumble from above makes everyone pause.
“It all falls apart.”

So that went mind-blowingly well!
I float up from the rubble, and for a moment, I get the distinct feeling I’ve been here before.
Hadn’t the gravity stopped working once before? Hadn’t something already happened that caused the sky to fill with clouds out of nowhere? It was as if I was reliving it all over again. Deja vu.
But no, this time it was different. I had collapsed the ENTIRE SIDE OF THE CLIFF. AND IT WAS ON FIRE. SOMEHOW.
With just that one vine, the central structure that had been holding up the dens the entire time. Pretty impressive, if I do say so myself!
Oh, and I guess I was a ghost now. I kind of was directly underneath the cliff when it collapsed. But that was just part of the plot, too!
I was tempted to brag about my victory to the others in Half-Canon. But my role wasn’t quite over yet. There was one more thing I had to do.

“I need you to give me one of those leaves,” I instructed, gesturing at the lone tree on the top of the Mountain.
Teardrop didn’t seem to understand that the Mountain, well, more like the tree, actually- was the one place ghosts could communicate with the living.
<<Technically, there ARE other trees,>> Chervil’s voice from Half-Canon told me.
“Shut up! I’m supposed to be in Canon right now!” I mentally whispered back. I was glad turtles could read minds.
Teardrop looked dazed with shock, but he tore off a leaf and handed it to me anyway. Obediently following orders, like always.
I picked up the leaf, and gravity returned to greet me. I had a body again! Grinning like a maniac, I put my paw- my TANGIBLE paw- on Teardrop’s shoulder.
“Thank you. Now travel down to the lake on the other side of this Mountain. There’s someone I want you to meet.”
<<Thanks, Parsnip,>> I heard Chervil say.
I spread his wings and dove down the mountain, relishing the feel of the wind in my pelt. It was nice having a body again.
I alighted on the pile of rubble that remained in the canyon. No one else was around.
Digging a little bit, I found what he was looking for- my circle of knots, now old and scratched, but miraculously unbroken.
I placed it on my head.

And thus ends the story of your humble narrator, Parsnip! I suppose I said at the beginning that I would give your eyes back when I was done, and I plan to keep my promise! Never make a promise you can’t keep (just word it very ambiguously). So I shall soon return the eyeballs that I stole. But although my story arc ended, my life, or, well, my undeath, perhaps- did not. Neither did time stop. I won’t tell you what happened with Chervil because it’s not my story to tell, but there are a few more details that I might as well mention while I’m here.

The shazarxi now have a much friendlier relationship with the wolves. Guess who I finally got to meet in Canon? That’s right, Chaos!!! At first, I didn’t even recognize her. She portrays herself differently in Half-Canon than she actually looks like in Canon. Also, she’s a shapeshifter. Important detail.
We ended up meeting by accident- Me trying to pull a prank, her seeing right through me and stealing my circle of knots. Her returning it to me, and me, um, well, blushing heavily, actually~
Anyway, anyway, did I mention that River has also officially been born now? She’s quite the clever young shazarxa. Maybe you’ll have the privilege of letting her steal your eyeballs sometime.
But for now, here are yours back. Maybe you won’t ever see with them in quite the same way, but that’s hardly my fault, right? Or maybe not. Whatever, see you later!

Parody of “Gimme Gimme Gimme”
Half-past twelve
And I'm writing for the weekly but my time’s slipping away
How I hate to do it all in just a day
Panicking
As I realise there’s an hour to finish all this stuff
And I’m worrying if it will be enough

There's not a soul out there
No one to hear my prayer

Gimme, gimme, gimme some sleep after midnight
I need to stop soloing cabin wars every time
Gimme, gimme, gimme some sleep after midnight
Been working on the weekly now it’s past my bedtime

I need a break
And some motivation mangoes just to finish half the work
It’s the kind of duty I can’t ever shirk
Tired of writing
7000 words with maybe just an hour or two
To finish piles and piles of work, what do I do?

There's not a soul out there
No one to hear my prayer

Gimme, gimme, gimme some sleep after midnight
I need to stop soloing cabin wars every time
Gimme, gimme, gimme some sleep after midnight
Been working on the weekly now it’s past my bedtime

Gimme, gimme, gimme some sleep after midnight
Gimme, gimme, gimme some sleep after midnight

There's not a soul out there
No one to hear my prayer

Gimme, gimme, gimme some sleep after midnight
I need to stop soloing cabin wars every time
Gimme, gimme, gimme some sleep after midnight
Been working on the weekly now it’s past my bedtime
Gimme, gimme, gimme some sleep after midnight
I need to stop soloing cabin wars every time
Gimme, gimme, gimme some sleep after midnight
Been working on the weekly now it’s past my bedtime

Name: Ava
Cabin: Lyric
Word count- 262/250
Topic: Change a dong's lyrics so it themes SWC
Content: July 11th Daily

LET'S GET IT

Song- Home by BTS translated into English

With crazy procrastination
Couldn't even submit my leader app
Yeah, I'm signing up, baby
All the cabins are my home

Crazy for myself
As if my cabin would win if we all did the weekly
Like I'll show you something
We left the house (Cuz we arsoned it)

Oh yeah I did it
Me writing in almost no lights
Got no friends
SWC is my quiet place

Yes I remember when I thought I could write anything
Yeah I didn't see procrastination before I opened this door

The more you procrastinate, the less cabin points you have
The more we do cabin wars, the more allys become alone
Wide open eyes and sleepless nights
When it's for the weekly

Maybe that place is for the leaders
With you Imma procrastinate
That place for overachievers
Turn on your procrastinator switch
Yeah

You'll be confortable with fanfictions
If there is wtpad you'll read and never speak

You know I will pro-o-o-o-o-ocrastinate
You knos you should pro-o-o-o-o-ocrastinate

The daily the daily the daily, dont miss that
The daily the daily the daily, dont want that
The weekly the weekly the weekly dont need that

A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-arson

On the bed with the lights off
My fingers are typing too fast
Its weird if I close my eyes
Because I cant sleep no more

I feel like Im floating my writing spinning around
My writings so shabby in this wonderful scene

The big house big cars big rings
Even if I have everything that I want
Now that you have procrastinated a strange feeling is left of accomplishment

(AND THE REST OF THE SONG IS HISTORY)

.

YOU KNOW I WANT THAT HOoOoOoOoooOME~
YOU KNOW YOU GOT THAT HOOoOooOOoOOOOoME~

ollie’s daily 7/11 WAIT ITS 7/11 DAY GO GET YOUR FREE ICEE AT 7/11

AS IT WAS by harry styles <3

Holdin' me back
Writing block's holdin' me back
I want you to focus on writing this thing
Why don't we leave it at that?
Nothin' to say
When my thoughts just get in the way
Seems you cannot form a sentence
And I'm the one who will say, ohh
In swc, you must write
You know it's not so lame as you write
In swc, you must write
You know it's not so lame as you write
As you write, as you write
You know it's not so lame
Answer the phone
“*Name*, you should do the daily
Why are you sittin' at home on the floor?
Where is your motivation?”
Ringin' the bell
And no host is comin' to help
You need some advice real quick
Hosts want to know that you're well, ohh
In swc, you must write
You know it's not so lame as you write
In swc, you must write
You know it's not so lame as you write
As you write, as you write
You know it's not so lame
Go home, get ahead, on the weekly, yeah
I don't wanna talk about the way that you write
Leave writing block, yeah, more ideas follow, yeah,
I don't wanna talk about who's gettin’ the most points
As you write
You know it's not so lame as you write
As you write, as you write
(229 words)

Chorus to I knew you were trouble by taylor swift

'Cause I knew swc was trouble when I found it
So shame on me now
Made me write so much, but it’s so lit
'Til I stopped writing words down
I knew swc was trouble when I found it
So, shame on me now
Made me write so much, but it’s so lit
Now I'm writin’ everywhere I go
Oh, oh
Trouble, trouble, trouble
Oh, oh
Trouble, trouble, trouble
(79 words)

in total that’s 314 words! <3

Weekly 2 Part 2 Activity!

The workshop I used was how to write realistic dialogue by @snuggles0426
~~~~~
“Jenny, Jenny!” Odelia’s rosy cheeks flushed as she pulled at my sleeve. Her stubby finger pointed at a large stone gate encased on moss and billowing vines. “Can we go there?”

I shook my head. “Your mom said it’s off limits. You wouldn’t want to upset her, would you?” Odelia frowned in response. “Mommy never lets me do anything fun.” Her lips pouted slightly.

I brushed the loose strands of hair out of her chocolate creamy eyes. “Your mother restricted the quadrangle for a reason. It’s not maintained and dangerous. You could get hurt.”

Odalia frowned once more. Her pale skin blushed pink from sunburn. Stringy waves of blonde formed her shoulder length hair, pinned back with leopard print clips. She wore a billowy, summery, dress with baby blue flowers that brought on waves of nostalgia. We looked very much alike, her and I. To everyone we appeared as sisters. Slender frame and downturned eyes with a splash of freckles across a set of full cheeks.

I tugged on Odalia’s arm lightly, but she was still fixated on the door. “Come’on,” I said gently. “Do you want to do your favorite puzzle?”

“I want to see the quad place!” Odalia whined. “Mommy never gives me anything I want. Can’t we see it just this once?”

“No,” I replied firmly. “When your mother gets back you can ask her about it but not right now.”

The little girl looked hurt. “Don’t you want to see it too?”

I glanced over my shoulder at the door. It stood just as it always did. Tall and silent amongst the wooden fence surrounding the garden. So tall even I couldn’t see over the top. Trickling vines snaked across the barrier, whispering of secrets and tugging me closer. Moss dripped along the edges and spread over the cracks. Wide lines of leaves tangled themselves around the top. The greenery almost covered the entire barrier, shielding it from sight. When I looked at the door, I saw a curtain concealing an enigma that reached out and grabbed my hand, leaving traces of intrigue on my fingertips.

“Five minutes. You can look around for five minutes and then we need to leave.”

“Yay!” Odalia exclaimed, breaking away from me and beginning to run to the stone door. I grabbed her wrist before she could go any further. “You understand that after five minutes you have to leave right?”

“Yes, I know,” Odalia assured, attempting to run off again, but I held on to her wrist. “Promise?”

“Yes,” Odalia reaffirmed once more, rolling her eyes. “Now, c'mon open the door!”

Surprisingly enough, the door wasn’t locked or anything. It was simply closed with a large brass latch, so high up Odalia couldn’t reach it even if she was jumping. That feature was likely intentionally placed there. The latch required quite a bit of force to open, but I was able to open the door without many problems. For an enormous stone door, it wasn’t as imposing as it first seemed.

The quadrangle was a wild undergrowth of exotic plants, a majority of which did not grow in the area. Large drip leaves and prickly bushes, snaking vines and winding branches. Trees of many different species lined the area. The quad consisted of such a large collection of different greenery. It appeared like a melting pot of randomness.

Besides the plants was a mossy stone path that meandered its way through the quadrangle, twisting in unpredictable ways. It was clear that the quad had not seen maintenance for many years. Yet it still thrived with an inexplicable youth and livelihood. Odalia found it majestically alluring and beautiful.

We had already walked quite a good distance through the quadrangle before I stopped Odalia. “It’s been five minutes,” I urged, “we need to get back.” She shrugged me off and tugged me towards a cherry tree, but I stopped her.

“You promised me we would leave after five minutes, remember? What would your mom think if she caught us?” I squatted down to her level this time, readjusting the leopard hair clip that had fallen loose. Her hair was a tangled mess, much like a maze you had to practice multiple times to get through consistently.

Odalia looked at me with a toothy grin. “Mommy always comes home late on Fridays,” she explained nonchalantly. “And when she does, she’s loopy and reeks of something foul. Sometimes she can’t even walk straight.” Odalia picked a flower and held it up to me. It glistened a lustrous pink. “I’m sure she won’t notice.”

The flower, slightly wilted and brown at the edges, flittered in the wind with drops of dew dripping down the slopey curves of the petals.

It reminded me of a broken heart.

792 words

Dialogue (Part 2 of the weekly) ~
I did loads of editing, and I mean LOADS

“Jane, please…” Matthew started pleading for my forgiveness, but I had had enough of his fake apologies.
I let all my anger out and yelled in Matthew’s ugly face, “No! Go away, Matthew. I’ve had enough of this, this loop! You don’t know how I’m feeling right now.” I breathed deeply, trying to focus better on him. I was feeling so dizzy and my arm was so agonizingly painful, that I felt as though it was yelping for help.
“Matthew, get out, now.” I heard an unfamiliar, ice-cold voice command Matthew to leave the house, which, he strangely obeyed without any convincing. I curiously turned around to see a tall man staring down at me.
“Who-”
“There’s no time to explain. Come with me, now.” The stranger barked and gripped my other wrist hard. I felt a reassured, fuzzy feeling inside. He led me out through the backdoor, to a dirty jeep that looked more like the scraps of one. “Get in.” I followed the order. He started the vehicle and we dashed down the road.
After a few minutes of driving, I finally took all my courage and asked,
“Where are we going and who are you?”
He turned to me and smiled,
“Sorry about that. I’m Damien, and you must be Jane, right? Now that we’re on the move, I can tell you what’s going on. That Matthew is not only a jerk but also a spy for the most powerful villain in the galaxy. And, surprisingly, the villain is trying to track you down, that is why he sent Matthew to be your ‘friend’.” It all came to me. Matthew was just a fake. It did hurt since he treated me so well in the beginning. Damien carried on, “The villain has feelings for you.” breathed steadily. The villains had feelings for me?
“STOP RIGHT THERE!” I heard a crash at the back.
“What’s going on?!” I screamed frantically.
“We know you have her. Open up or we’ll hurt someone badly!” I rushed to the window and spotted three men standing outside the jeep. Damien took my hand and breathed rapidly,
“Come with me, Jane.” We jumped out the other side of the car and ran away. I looked over my shoulder, the strangers saw us and were speeding after us.
“Damien,” I muttered anxiously, “We need to hurry up! They’re on our tails!” Damien nodded. He started to pick up the pace until we reached close to an alley. He swiftly pulled me into the alleyway and pinned me to the wall.
Moments later, I heard the men shouting.
“THEY WENT THIS WAY!” Damien pressed his fingers against my lips and we both stood in silence. Then gangsters ran forward, not even noticing us.
“Should we stay here for now?” Damien asked.
“Damien! No. Maybe somewhere else. It’s unsafe here,” I snapped back, but now, I wished I had agreed to his proposal.
Damien led me out, back to the jeep.
“I’ll get us to my apartment and you can stay there for the night,” he said to me.

Name: Ava
Cabin: Lyric
Content: Weekly #2

LET'S GET IT

Part 1
Topic: Write a workshop for somebody
Wordcount: 578/500

Interesting ways to start a scene/new chapter/poem/any type of writing

Workshop requested by: @extrovertedd

Hey everyone!! I'm Ava and this is my first time writing an ORIGINAL workshop. Earlier I was a leader in SMC and I wrote the beginning of the megathread (SQUEE) and I used a huge influence from the SWC opening threads. So, this'll be fun!

Let me start by saying - I have a 90 percent chance of adhd, which means I literally cannot focus on one thing without somrthing else engaging me. (Example - studying with music is okish and studying with gaming is even better) and so I like extremely fast paced things. You'll understand the meaning of this confession later.

Step 1: how to start, basically, the beginning of any writing form.

To have any start of a writing, you must have an idea to write about. And for a proper beginning, you must think very very hard about the genre and pacing of your story.

If your book is somewhat of a horror book, you might want to start of with something like this-

“Sticks and stones won't break my bones” was a silly expression to Charles, who observed the skeletons outside his house crumble to dust day after day due to the branches from breaking trees or pebbles flung by children on bicycles.
(and yes, I did judt make that up on spot so give me credit if you're going to make this a massive book.)

Due to rhese words, we're already wuestioning: WHY IN THE HELL ARE THERE SKELETONS OUTSIDE HIS HOUSE?! And the majority of people who both this book because of its genre will be very pleased.

Me, personally, I like stories starting off with a bigbang (Thus my favorite series Percy Jackson.) Here's an excerpt from the starting of one of the pjo books:

The end of the world started when a pegasus landed on the hood of my car.

Now to a person like me who will lietrally quit a kdrama if the first episode isnt fast enough (and for those of you who know, first episodes usually end with us knowing three fourth of the plot line.)
The thing which got me so impatient in the first place is Percy jackson, and I am not in the least bit guilty.

A good way to start a literature peice is to understand how it sets the readers mind on the perspective of the book or thing they are reading. Example, a person who might be reading Percy Jackson could be thinking about the comedy and fast paced themes about the book which entices them to read on.

SO to conclude:
A good way to start a book is no way! There is no book which has a perfect beginning, but there are books which have some beautiful openings. The important part to make a beginning more meaningful is to base it mainly to set the readers aspect on the story ahead. If we start a horror book with “It was a nice sunny day,” I think I would personally already get bored, but that's just me.

Of course, of the peice is lit-fi, non-fi or something light, “a nice sunny day” wouldn't be the GREATEST beginning, but it would be appropriate.

Having a good beginning is what shapes the rest of your story, since most authors spend more time on their plot twists than beginnings. The beginnings are often the most important parts of novels.

Thankyou for listening to my probably not useful workshop Have a good day!

Part 2
Topic: Write 500 words after reading a workshop
Wordcount- 563/500

Workshop: https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/post/7373206/

Master Callous never really did have parents. Nobody knew where he came from. Some people said that he had been specially to them from the hellkeeper. Some people said that he had just appeared, and a few said that he was raised by the void till the royal king found him: a two year old strangling a shadow beast.

By the time King Callous had raised his child to the age of six, he had trained him sufficiently in magic. King Callous was old- his wife had died and he had no sons or nephews to take his throne. Seeing a snall devil child was a miracle for him- a perfect heir.

The new prince was now not only very effective in magic, he was also trained in how to command legions. Droquet was basically hell- more idiots from the above world might come for stupid dangerous missions to be written in history. He wasn't going to let that happen. The first 2 people who stepped foot past the entrance went dissappearing without a trace- into the chambers it was.

But as Prince Callous walked the streets of citadel, something felt off. He didn't feel like this was where he had actually been born. His father had told him that he was his son, but everytime he walked oast someone they whispered violently to the person next to rhem and the heir would be stared at till he was out of the vacinity.

“I'm not from here, am I?” Prince Callous suddenly said at one dinner. The knights stiffened and the red skies outside seemed to darken.

The King put his fork down slowly. “And where did you get that idea?” he laughed without emotion and wiped his mouth with a napkin and stood up. This conversation had gone on so many times, the prince was tired of sighing. So this time, he stood up and tugged on his fathers sleeve before he could leave the hall.

“Father,” he started. “Please. I've done everything for you. I've listened to you my whole life. Please, just tell me this once.”

The King looked at the prince, contemplating his choice. Just before the prince was about to apologize, the king opened his mouth.

“I don't know whether you're from here or not,” he admitted. “But I do know that you're adopted. You were like a golden child to me. The day I saw tou strangling that shadow beast I was amazed by your strength, and purely only adopted you for the sole purpose of raising you as a king, but I've gotten fond of you.” The kibg dlowly pulled the prince's arm away from his sleeve and knelt down so he was at his level.“ And I started to re search you. I wanted to know the truth. The truth of my now beloved son - I love you as if you were my own. And after amI realized who you were and where you were from, I didn't want to tell you.”

“Please.”

The King sighed. “You're not from Droquet. You're not from any clan, to be precise. You're from the far side od our land, which borders those filthy peace keepers. You're not supposed to have powers. You're - you were not supposed to reach this far.”

Prince Callous, who was highly trained in geographical strength widened his eyes before whispering -

“I'm- a plain human?”

Part 3
Topic: Write 200 word Critique
Wordcount: 201/200

Lila had always been fascinated by the English language. Ever since she was a little girl, she had loved learning new words and figuring out how to use them in sentences. But as she grew older, she began to realize that language was more than just a collection of words, even in different countries. It was also a powerful tool for communication, and the way we use it can have a big impact on how others perceive us.

Wonderful beginning!! I love it <3

One day, Lila was at a party with some friends. They were all chatting and having a good time when a new person arrived. His name was Alex, and he seemed nice enough, but Lila couldn't help but notice something odd about the way he spoke. He kept using the word “they” instead of “he” or “she” when referring to himself.

I- I sniff - inhale - P R I D E

At first, Lila didn't know what to make of it. She had never met anyone who used “they” as a pronoun before. But as they talked more, she began to understand that Alex was non-binary, meaning that they didn't identify as strictly male or female. Instead, they preferred to use gender-neutral language.

I love how you're including lgbtq theme in this

Lila was fascinated by this. She had always thought of pronouns as something that was set in stone - you were either a “he” or a “she.” But now she realized that it was more complicated than that. And as she listened to Alex talk about their experiences, she began to see the importance of using pronouns correctly.

If I could, I would literally slap this peice of writing onto the faces of the people in my bus. As a bi who is constantly around people who dont support lgbtq, knowing the imprtance of these pronouns are good. They make fun of me by calling me a he AND BRO- ITS TAKES SOMUCH EFFORT TO CONRAIN MY ANGER.

One day, Lila was at a coffee shop when she overheard a conversation between two people she didn't know. One of them was using the wrong pronouns for the other, and Lila could tell that it was making the other person uncomfortable. So she took a deep breath and approached them.

slay lila I WISG I HAD A FRIEND LIKE THIS UGHHHHHHHH

The person looked surprised, but then they smiled gratefully. “Thank you so much,” they said. “I had no idea. I'll make sure to use the right pronouns from now on.”

If only more people were understanding like this. yES IM LOOKING AT YOU BUSMATES.

As she walked home, Lila thought about how powerful language could be. Something as simple as a pronoun could make all the difference in how someone felt about themselves. And she vowed to keep using language in a way that was helpful, fair, and safe for everyone.

CLAP CLAL VLAL CLAP CLAL CLAP CLAP

As an overall honest review, I would give this an 8 out of 10. Well done! You could have slightly spread out the details a bit, but otherwise, I loved it Good job! Usually LGBTQ is a think which is not shown a lot of respect in many countries and regions and I feel like lila helping that one person in the cafe just helped by that 0.1 percent in the world. And you know what they say- One drop of water saved is the ammount of one life. I loved this story - andyou deserve a 10 out of 10

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YOU KNOW I WANT THAT HOoOoOoOoooOME~
YOU KNOW YOU GOT THAT HOOoOooOOoOOOOoME~

Daily 7/11 256 wordsss

A million wars in the studio
Should I let my sore hands keep writing
'Cause up ‘til now I’ve wrote too much
Nothing lost but something missing
I can't decide
What's wrong, what's right
How much more can I write?
If only I knew what the hosts were telling me
Don't know what I'm writing
Is this just a dream?
Ah oh, yeah
If only I could write the wars in front of me
I could find the way to winning all the wars
Ah oh, if only
If only
If only
Every war, every word
With every hour I am falling in
To something new, something brave
To a word count I, I have never wrote
I can't decide
What's wrong, what's right
How much more can I write?
If only I knew what the hosts were telling me
Don't know what I'm writing
Is this just a dream?
Ah oh, yeah
If only I could write the wars in front of me
I could find the way to winning SWC!
Ah oh, if only
Yeah
Am I crazy? Maybe we could finish them
Yeah
Will you still be with me when no one is online?
If only I knew what the hosts were telling me
Don't know what I'm writing
Is this just a dream?
Ah oh
If only I could write the wars in front of me
I could find the way to winning SWC!
Ah oh
If only, yeah
If only, yeah
If only, yeah
If only, yeah
If only
If only

Critique for @delta_doodles (this post) 530 words :0

Overall, I really like this story! The language is really descriptive and the plot draws you in. I think it worked really well with the words you chose, and was an interesting and thought-provoking read. For the length of the story, you were able to pack in a lot of plot and emotion and I thought it was just really well-written, and the concept was super cool! The pacing of the story is really good, because it speeds up and creates a sense of urgency at the climax, but fades into soft innocence as she loses the fight and is swept up in the haze again. Good job

In terms of word choice, the only sentence that really stood out to me was

delta_doodles wrote:

“Good morning,” she greeted the sunlight streaming through the roof. It was pretty, sunlight. Like liquid gold dropping through the cracks in the ceiling beams and flowing on the floor.

I think I would’ve written:
“Good morning,” she said softly, greeting the sunlight streaming through the roof. It was pretty, sunlight. Like liquid gold dripping through the cracks in the ceiling beams and flowing onto the floor in a warm, golden puddle.

As a general overview, I think that maybe you could’ve established more of the character’s backstory and setting. For example, we never get to know who Mono is, and we don’t know why it’s so important that she leaves right this second. I think that you could’ve added in some of her memories coming back, and telling her and the reader why it was so important that she gets out, because it’s not as clear as I think it could’ve been. For all we know, she could be a terrible person who should stay trapped. I think that overall, a backstory would be helpful to make the reader identify with the character more.

The story also mentioned the Fates, which might give us more clues as to the setting and time period, but it doesn’t give us anything else, which creates a sense of confusion that might not be a good thing. I think the best thing to do would be to either give us more clues, or replace the mention of the Fates with something more general, like “Her gut told her it was a good omen for the day.” (That option would also give us a bit more of the character’s personality, showing she’s optimistic, and it gives her a sense of youth, which might help us identify with her more.)

Another sentence that confused me was

delta_doodles wrote:

The whiteness reached for her eyelids and pressed over them, turning her word into a haze of neon fire.

What whiteness? Where did it come from? That sentence confused me quite a bit, so maybe some rephrasing would be in order?

The only other thing I noticed was the “tick, tock” that kept being repeated. I think that could’ve been fleshed out a little more. Was the ticking a countdown for the time she has left? Was it just a clock? Was it just in the character’s mind? I think those questions could’ve been answered to make the ticking a little more clear, since it sort of seems a little disjointed from the rest of the story, since no explanation is provided for it.

That’s all I have! I really liked this story, and you’re a really good writer! I’m not a very good critique-r, but I hoped this helped you a bit! <3

July 11th Daily

Parody of Heartless by Kanye West

Harmless


In the night I hear ‘em talk
Most inventive tales ever told
Someone writing words of gold
That all behold
But don’t believe that they're harmless
How could you think they're harmless?
Oh, how could you think they're harmless?

How could you be so
Foolish as to think that the words you read are weak, bro?
I mean, that point of view seems endlessly naive, yo
Saying that attitude just makes you seem naive though
But see, after all the dailies that we're gon' do
You'll see, after all the weeklies we'll dive into
I ain't gon' lie, I'm in this for victory
So Imma share these things that I done wrote, see?

And I might write about this chicken that is poultry,
Or maybe about the way that my friend approached me
I could write about the great taste of this cannoli
Or about the way I feel nobody knows me, homie

In the night I hear ‘em talk
Most inventive tales ever told
Someone writing words of gold
That all behold
But don’t believe that they're harmless
How could you think they're harmless?
Oh, how could you think they're harmless?

Everybody knows
That amigos
Can be found everywhere in this depot
But the writers come constantly, yo
From Beijing to Rome to Antananarivo
And if you just don't know what we know
You may just need to join so you can see what's so
So go and write, so your cabin can move up
Cause if you go for the gold and get it, pride's in vivo

And you know that leaderboard just be teasing me
I'm always looking at it disbelievingly
But SWC has really shown me
Motivation is the key to a victory

In the night I hear ‘em talk
Most inventive tales ever told
Someone writing words of gold
That all behold
But don’t believe that they're harmless
How could you think they're harmless?
Oh, how could you think they're harmless?

Write and write and write and write
Always writing day and night
Hours of Sleep equal two
OMG, this weekly's due
Now I'm a writing machine
'Course it's 3 in the morning
Nothing's new about this thing

If writing makes me weak
I'd rather not be strong
I truly might (just might)
Reach my word goal tonight
That'd be all right

In the night I hear ‘em talk
Most inventive tales ever told
Someone writing words of gold
That all behold
But don’t believe that they're harmless
How could you think they're harmless?
Oh, how could you think they're harmless?

July 11th Daily - Parody of Part of Your World from the Little Mermaid - 274 words

Just Like Them

Maybe he's right
Maybe there is something that matter with me
I just don't see how a world that makes such wonderful things
Could be bad
Look at this writing, isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my novel’s all complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who writes everything?
Look at this room, stories untold
How many bookshelves can one cabin hold?
Looking around here you'd think
Sure, she's read everything
I've got pens and pencils a-plenty
I've got papers and books galore
You want sleep? I got negative 20
But who cares? No big deal, I want more

I wanna be where the authors are
I wanna see, wanna see ‘em writing
Writing around with
What do you call ’em? Oh, sleep
Doing your all-nighters, you don't get too far
Mangos are required for good writing
Word waring along with
What's that word again? Oh yes, sleep.
Up where they sleep
Up where they type
Up where they eat mangoes, so ripe,
Warring every cabin,
Wish I could be
Just like them
What would I give
If I could live just like them?
What would I pay
To spend a day with mangoes?
Bet'cha over there
They read and share
That they sleep 8 hours a day
Bright new ideas
Coming to life
Becoming novels
And ready to know what the authors know
Ask ‘em my questions and get some answers
What’s a cabin war and why is it
What's the word? Fun?
When's it my turn?
Wouldn't I love
Love to be with those that have sleep?

With some sleep
Wish I could be
Just like them

whoops i posted it twice ^^''

Critique for @violent-measures
129 words

violent-measures wrote:

For Critique

Red hair glinted like fire in the fading rays of the setting sun. A breeze rushed across the hilltop, whipping our cloaks up in billowing clouds behind us, stinging my cheeks, sending a shiver down my arms. My father stood before me. His clothes hung rumpled and stained, and his shoulders slumped. A few day’s worth of beard clung stubbornly to his chin, which might have made me laugh—my father never wore a beard—had his mouth not been set in so firm a line.

“I’m sorry, Rachel. I came to say goodbye.”

I frowned, hugging myself. This was not unusual. Father and mother often went on trips—for his business, he said. What was unusual was this ceremony. He’d never asked for me, alone, to say his goodbyes.

“You’ll be coming back, though?” I asked.

Hesitation. Eyes, frozen on my face, before darting down to the earth. “Yes. Of course.”

A misgiving, dark and creeping like the clouds on the horizon, twinged within me.

But no. This was Father I was thinking of.

If he said he would return, he would return.

Father’s jaw clenched as he met my eyes once more. “Seeing as your mother is coming with me, you and your sister will have to stay at your uncle’s for the time being. He’ll take good care of you while we’re away, I’m sure.”

I nodded, eyes on the ground.

“You’ll be good for your aunt and uncle?” Father asked.

I nodded.

“Take care of your sister,” he said.

I nodded.

“Good.” He lifted my chin so I looked him in the face.

My father towered, tall and sturdy, though I rarely thought of it. It was just how he was. But at times like these—where my frame was enveloped entirely by his—that I noticed, and was grateful. His cheeks crinkled around his eyes as he smiled and hugged me tight.

Warmth, protection, like another cloak around my shoulders.

I hugged him back, hoping to impart some small part of that warmth to him. He looked like he needed it.

As he released me, I noted his unfurrowed brow and unclenched jaw.

Father sighed. “Rachel . . . .”

I tilted my head to the side. “What is it?”

Perhaps now I would hear the real reason for his taking me aside.

A moment passed. A muscle in his jaw jumped. He ran his hand through his hair. The sun sank further beyond us, spilling like honey into the sea. I chewed my cheek, trying to stop myself from pushing him. Finally, Father looked down and reached into the satchel at his side, pulling out a small bundle of fabric.

“Keep these safe,” he said, holding my gaze until I nodded. “Swear it.”

“I swear it,” I said.

“Good. It will be our secret, all right? You may find that you need them, someday. If you do, think of me. And be strong, okay?”

Finding my voice proved difficult, and my burning eyes wouldn’t focus on his, but I managed: “I will, Father. I promise.”

He smiled once more and rested the bundle in my hands. It weighed more than I expected—at least as much as a stack of my school books, though it was only the size of one. I hugged the package to my chest as he squeezed my shoulder. “Goodbye,” he said.

Father walked over to my mother and sister, who stood by the dock. After giving Elizabeth a swift hug, he grabbed his and Mother’s things and boarded the ship.

Soon enough, they were disappearing into the horizon where the sun fizzed out against the bay.

“Goodbye,” I whispered.

For starters, I love the over all flow of the moment. It's makes it really easy to picture the scene, which is always good. I loved the emotions going on. I did notice that Rachel's father told her to swear to keep the bundle a secret. I really feel like “promise” might have been better than “swear” seeing that most parents (that I know, yours could be different) don't tell their kids to swear, whether their referring to secrets or language. It also said his shoulders were slumped, but then later it said he “towered, tall and sturdy” and that did confuse me for a bit. But, I did love the story. It gave of a lovely sense of mystery. And I'm now hooked, and want to read more.

It's not much but I hope it helps you out!
Thank you for letting me read your work! Keep it up!