♤ March 20-21

The strawberry, crimson in the falling sun, drops into Juno’s palm. She smiles down at it. It is plump and ripe, fitting for any purpose she could wish upon it, and so she tucks it into her basket, like a mother to her child. It is truly surprising that she has found the time to do any domestic activities at all; being a ruler takes up a lot of her precious time, and the rest is spent bettering the world. Sometimes, she and her wife run workshops to teach the local children basic skills, and whenever that is cancelled Juno can be found in the library, studying the past of her kingdom. Although Gen tries to help, it is evidently clear that they lack time to be together, which is partially the reason that she has escaped to get fruit. Gen’s irritable moods could drive anyone away, even though Juno dearly loves her.

When she arrives back at their cottage, she notices that the plants around the door are exhausted and dehydrated. She frowns, makes a mental note to talk to Gen about not letting their plant-children wilt, and pushes open their door. Juno calls, “Hello,” in the hopes of summoning her partner, but no echoing cry responds. How strange, as Gen never usually stays out this late.

Diligently, she packs away the fruit and cut two slices of bread. Layering them with butter, she arranges them carefully on a plays, humming a little song underneath her breath. The house is still, apart from her soft disturbance, but as always it is still alive. Spring had crept over them, hailed with green buds and glorious sunshine, and with that came the buzz of bees outside in the flower beds, lavender and rosemary scented candles burning constantly in their home, gingham tablecloths of sky blue and the constant ticking of their clock. In the winter, Gen had attempted to make a large blanket for them to share. It was now a mint-and-white checkered affair that Goose refers to as her favourite possession. Juno hops across the kitchen tiles to the blanket, burying her body in the sweet scent of winter that accompanies it.

“Boo,” someone whispers into her ear.
Juno steadies herself before she falls over in fright.
“Gen, you idiot–“
“I apologise profusely.” Juno smiles at the apology, scanning over her features. Gen seems to be in a good enough mood, playing with her pen and wearing clothes that actually represent spring for the first time in days. She takes that as a sign that she is no longer incredibly depressed with the complications of her art and would probably be willing to talk about it.

Gen bites into the bread, leaves the other slice for Juno, and bounces onto the couch. Winding the blanket around her, she watches Juno like a dog pleading for a walk, whispering, “Come and sit,” under her breath while squinting.
Juno finishes her bread, washes the plate, and then sets herself down beside Gen. Her wife’s eyes keep straying impatiently to a book nearby.
“I miss you,” Gen says.

—

I found this process really interesting! I chose to focus on pacing and character relationships, and I wanted to show the differences between the two and how they still try and comfort each other, even through all their difficulties. This workshop was so useful, and I’m definitely going to refer to it for future writing. I really enjoyed the process of editing, and it certainly made it more bearable.

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This is now 584 words! The original piece was 856 words, and I decided to focus on character relationships and pacing!

♤ Critique

Overall, this entry is actually so lovely! The writing is suitable with the character's voice, and I love the apparent themes and the tone that you have set out for this piece. The plot itself has a perfect build-up, but there are just a couple of small errors that you could correct to improve the piece as a whole!

The sky already had a pale orange color, and the pain was still here.

This sentence seems confusing to me, for some reason. It might have a stronger effect on the reader if it was more descriptive, so instead of Death simply telling us that the sky was orange, you could use a metaphor or simile to have that same meaning but a better effect? You may also be interested in changing the colour of the sky to black/dark or red, which are colours typically used to symbolize death.

Every time I think of escaping it's useless. I end up in the same place every day. Evening comes and every moment hurts, and it's not even done yet. Night shift awaits, and most times it's worse.

I would change this to Every time I think of escaping, it's useless. I always end up in the same place. Evening comes and every moment hurts, even when it isn't done. The night shift awaits, and it's mostly worse than I imagine., or some line to the same effect. The pace is just slightly off here, and it's a little hard to understand upon first read!

death–I have killed it.

death – I – have killed it would be a more suitable punctuation, I think!

Every life I take, is another scar in my cursed heart

Removing the comma here would help the pacing and urgency of Death's thoughts!

The moon rose over the small town as I made my way through it. It was almost midnight and my night shift was nowhere near ending. The empty streets were hidden under a gray haze, blurring my vision on the house ahead of me. I could feel a new soul leaving their world to enter mine. As I moved through the haze of souls, I heard crows. I raised my head and caught sight of a single crow, cawing on a nearby tree. I entered the house on my right and immediately heard a woman sobbing. I followed the sound, ready to see whatever was happening, yet sadness reigned over me when I saw the scene in front of me

This paragraph is lovely, but it comes across as a lot of action. If you could change the pacing so it isn't just loads of short, action sentences, it may be more intriguing to a reader!

how could so much pain be inflicted upon such a person.

There should be a question mark at the end of this!

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The rest of this piece is lovely! I absolutely love the middle part of it, and the end caught me off guard (for some reason, apparently I can't understand foreshadowing). This is such a great entry and your writing is so good, as always. Thank you for asking me for critique! <3

♤ Cabin wars

Goose

Evelyn yawned. Above her, her eagle was circling around her head, its wings dappled grey and gold in the early morning sunlight. She could see the forest stretching out below, rolling hills morphing into the lush green of the trees, and from below those trees there was a slight stirring. She was almost certain as to what caused that motion.

“Come on!” she shouted to her eagle, and then whistled the piercing sound that she used to summon it to her side. It swept down gracefully and landed on her shoulder – its talons dug into her skin, but she was so used to it that she ignored it – and she absentmindedly pet its feathers with one hand. With that, she began her descent to the forest below, bounding over clumps of grass and dahlias clinging onto her ankles and holding on tightly.

The stirring had subsided when she reached the bottoms of the fields, her clothes a little worse for wear but her demeanor overall the same as it had been before. She clicked her tongue and shook her head, the slightest smile appearing in the corner of her mouth. Of course it was going to end up involving a hunt. Wasn't that what always happened? Evelyn bent down to tie her shoe laces, her eagle chirping into her ear. All the while, she was listening to the rustling of leaves coming from inside the forest, trying to stay attuned to wherever her target was heading. She was going to catch them, of course. There was no doubt about that.

(260 words)

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Coco

''Stay low-'' she said quietly, straightening up slightly, her head bent low so as not to be spotted by her prey. She didn't want to startle it after all, or there would be nothing for her family to eat. But she never did, she had done this for years, and had never been seen yet. Evelyn wasn't about to start now.

Ducking and swerving through the undergrowth, she listened intently for any sounds that would signal the closness of what she was searching for. Onwards she travelled, occasionally jogging lightly to keep up, her eagle flying low to the ground beside her. And then, she spotted it, in a sun dappled clearing. A deer, wide eyed, stared back at her, and she approached with caution. Slow, steady footsteps towards it, preparing herself for what she knew she had to do, even though she'd done it countless times.

It didn't take that long. It didn't take more than a few minutes, after all the years of hunting she had done. So, with the heavy deer slung across her shoulders, she began to retreat home.

''I know, it's getting dark. It won't take long to get home anyway.'' Evelyn looked at her eagle meaningfully, petting it's feathers gently.

(206 words)

♤ March 26th

Scorpius came to be on one dark night.

“Hello?” Piu called. He was standing on the corner of a street, gazing up into the void above him – or perhaps below him, he wasn’t all too certain about the location. He had only been told to come here on short notice, and it certainly was too short for him – a week? Ridiculous! If it had been any other person who had commissioned him, he would have flatly refused and went on with his life without a second thought. But, as it was the figure who haunted alleyways and told lies to the sun, he had supposed he could make an allowance.

He didn’t make an allowance about punctuality, however; that was something that Piu was rigid about. And so he called again.


“Alright, shut up,” Cross stepped out from behind the corner and tapped Piu lightly on his shoulder. He jumped dramatically, and perhaps too dramatically for Cross, as he promptly pushed him against the brick.

“Hush. We need to ascend now, so please quiet yourself.”
Ascend! That meant he was originally right, which was quite an achievement. Piu tapped his pocket and nodded, “I’ve got them, boss.”
“Didn’t ask – and good.”

Seconds later, they were standing in a vast sky of nothingness, each with nine small spheres in their hands.

Cross flung the first into the sky, and Piu followed suit, giggling slightly under his breath. This time, Cross didn’t correct him, but he did shake his head slightly when his employee tightened his tie and tossed out a second star.

In fifteen minutes, the sky was dazzling. Piu stepped back and admired their work. “What should we name it, boss?”
“Cross sounds good,” he muttered.
“What about Scorpius?”
Before Cross could answer, blue and red lights streaked against the now gleaming sky, and he was gone.

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This is 310 words!

♤ March 28-29

Light leaks through the pale leaves of the forest, and dapples the grassy ground with ease. Roots lurch out of the ground, several of which being used as homes for the residents of the forests. Flowers spread over the ground like an outbreak; all sorts of flowers, of all kinds; daisies, sunflowers, chrysanthemums, and tulips dance in the gentle breeze that escapes through the wall of trees and winds around the bark with ease. Squirrels scamper along the forest floor, their fur unusually shiny in the light, and they call to each other with chirps that rival the songs of the birds above. The birds themselves have feathers of all colours, and they roost in the trees, among the slim leaves. They call to each other and sing songs of joy. The scent of the forest is musky, the moss mixing with the leaves, and even if it isn’t inherently damp it still scorches through the rest of the forest as a smell. The air tastes of the flowers growing below, mixed with the earthy taste of the moss. There are smaller citizens too, known as fairies to the outer world. They ride on the squirrels and help to spread the flower seeds, all the while adding their shimmering glow to the forest world.
(214 words)

partner: @laters_gators
https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/672970/?page=1#post-7091255

We both had similar interpretations of our setting, which was an enchanted forest. It shows how people tend to think of forests with magical aspects to them as happy or joyous places, even though they could easily be interpreted in different ways. For differences, we thought of different scents, animals and flowers that would accompany the forest. Red also didn’t have many magical aspects to their forest (although technically it could be argued that trees themselves have their own magic to them, as do forests). Red described a flower-filled forest, where the scent is filled with petals and typical beauty, whereas the scent of my forest was more reliant on damp smells that you may find when tracking through a fir forest, though my forest wasn’t exactly that either. The flowers in my forest were all yellow, or bright yellow, as I tend to associate that with happiness or magic, whereas Red focused on the more aesthetically pleasing flowers that would heighten the smell of a prospective forest. I also imagined fairies in my forest, making friends with the animal citizens, whereas the primary species in Red’s would be birds, from their description.
(193 words)

♤ March 30

The elevator lurches towards the ground. You fall against the banister, grimacing as cold metal comes in contact with your skin. Your possible boss grins sunnily at you and tips their hat, bearing the logo of their company, Real-Fi Offices.
When you both reach the appropriate floor (Floor 67, in this case) you are greeted with the grunts of several hard-working workers.
“In Real-Fi Offices, we try to prioritise our company’s community. Every worker has their own merch with our beautiful logos marked upon them, and you’ll get them too, if you work here!”
They point rather zealously at a worker, who is wearing an emerald green cap with the logo, a hoodie with the name on the back, pants with badges sewed on it, and carrying a stack of papers.
“You’ll get to pick your strand of work, and then work your way up to the top of our hierarchy – I mean, company – with ease, I’m sure! So, what do you say? Are you in the market to work for the best business you’ve ever seen?”
You breathe in, smile, and then nod.
“Great! ,” Your boss gestures to the worker, “Let’s get ‘em some merch.”

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200 words