SWC Megathread || Nov. 2022

HydroHype

Critique for @MoonlitSeas

I like the emotion and action that your story carries, and the emotion is quite strong. But for their settings, I realise that it is, indeed, by the seaside, or, more like in the sea. I can’t exactly visualise what the beach is like. Is it rocky? Or is it more sandy? You have lots and lots of action, but I think you story will be much better if you added more description to the settings. P.S. I’m really bad at critiquing, sorry! P.P.S. This stuff is coming from a ten-year-old, don’t stress over it, Moonlit! <33 Love your story

PixelDucko

Title: No Thanks, I'm Fine (might change)
Writing Competition Entry

Author’s Notes (Not Counted in Word Count) ::
• This is a re-write of something I wrote during cabin wars since I don’t think I’ll be able to finish my original writing competition idea in time aha (if you want the read the original, the link is here)
• Once again, this isn’t venting so don’t worry :]
• I’d say this somewhat improved from my entry last session?

Lizzy sat her knees up under a willow tree in their school backyard, holding a book in her hands. She liked the tree, it gave a lot of shade even though it was still far from its adult phase.

The wind’s gentle breeze blew her blonde hair in her face. It was annoying on having to keep pushing her hair out of the way, but the weather was nice. Sunny with a slight wind. Not too hot and not too cold.

The chatter and laughter of her classmates echoed in the background. Pure laughter. They swang on the swings, slid down the slides, and sat on the benches. They talked, ate snacks, and gave help to each other if someone was struggling with the previous subject.

They were a bit loud, but she didn’t mind. She enjoyed background noises. From the soft rustle of leaves to the chirp of the birds, background noises made everything feel more lively. As long as the sound wasn’t too loud, of course. She didn’t want to be distracted from what she was doing.

In times like this, people would often ask her if she was sad. They would tell her to play with the other kids so she wouldn’t be alone. Every time someone gave her that suggestion, she would always reply with “No thanks, I’m fine.”

She appreciated the fact that they cared, but truth be told, she wasn’t lonely or sad. She just simply preferred to be by herself than with other people. Being by herself made her satisfied. Sure, having someone else’s company is nice too, but sometimes just having her own company is enough. Just her, her mind, a tree, and a book on a sunny day. She was fine with this.

“Hey Lizzy!” someone called out, snapping Lizzy out of her thoughts. She didn’t expect someone to remember her — she wasn’t exactly popular in class.

She looked up from her book. That “someone” was a female that she recognized. She would often raise her hand in class to answer a question or clarify something. Lizzy remembered conversing with her a few times before too. Fiona was her name, was it not?

“Hmm?” Lizzy acknowledged.

“Me and some of my friends are gonna be playing Simon Says. Wanna join us?” Fiona asked.

Lizzy thought about the offer for a moment.

“Sure,” she replied as she put her book down.

“Great!” Fiona exclaimed, her smile as bright as her hair. “They’re over there, come on!”

She gestured to some people sitting down not far from her.

Lizzy nodded and stood up.

Sometimes she wants to be by herself, but this time wasn’t one of those. Because even if she enjoyed being by herself, you don’t have to do life all alone.

– – –

Word Count :: 460

TheBibliophile7

Weekly #3: Week of 11/16/22
PART 1:
Eisenhower’s matrix
Time-block schedule

PART 2:
One original comment in Encouragement
Three replies in Encouragement

PART 3:

✓ Drink lots of water
✓ Sunlight
✓ Write down the random thoughts
✓ Exercise
✓ Taking breaks between things

WRITING (305 words)
Self care is very important. When you take good care of yourself, you might have more energy, or maybe you just feel less stressed. One good strategy to keep good mental health is to take breaks throughout your work. Whether you’re working on homework, a school project, or just writing for fun, taking short breaks allows you to keep a good flow of motivation and inspiration. It also keeps you refreshed to continue working on your projects, and put forth something you’re proud of.

First of all, when trying to do everything at once, it tends to feel overwhelming, and you might find yourself losing motivation to complete the tasks. Taking breaks allows you to rest and rejuvenate, which allows you to work consistently. It also gives you time to de-stress throughout the project, which can keep your motivation up. With more motivation, you can work on the project for longer, rather than an overwhelming long block of time.

Taking breaks, in terms of writing, can also help with a steady flow of inspiration. For example, trying to write a whole 1667 words for NaNoWriMo at once can feel like a daunting task. However, if you take breaks throughout, it’s easier to come back to the writing refreshed and with new ideas. When you stare at a notebook or chromebook screen for hours at a time, it’s easy to run out of things to say, but by pausing consistently, the words might flow easier, as you aren’t bogged down by a lack of time.

In conclusion, it’s very important to keep good self-care and mental health, and taking breaks throughout your work is an easy way to help with this. It gives you a chance to refresh and de-stress, as well as allowing you to write or work on things for longer without losing motivation.

ForestPanther

The only world that four people had ever known was crumbling at its foundations.

For a hundred years, the solid stone that was the base of a cliffside empire had been eroding. At first it was slow. Small chunks of rock would break free from the edges of the cliffs and plummet thousands of feet down, into the misty pink abyss that lurked under the mountains of Laweliniy. The echoes of the fallen rock crashing against the cliff would reverberate back up to the ears of the inhabitants of the empire. It was a haunting, ghostly melody.

As the years passed, larger boulders began to break away from the weathered cliff. It was a while before anyone considered it a concern. Efforts to sustain the integrity of the cliff were proposed, but many dismissed the unease as a geological anomaly- a natural occurrence.

It was a fatal mistake.

Half a century passed. The boulders that would tear apart from the cliff were now big enough to take down houses and buildings with it into the fog below. The city was nervous. And that nervousness erupted into pure terror when one day entire miles of infrastructure, along with innocent lives, collapsed into the void and were lost to eternity.

The mighty society began to crumble along with the cliffs. Every day, new reports of disasters never seen before filtered into the minds of the terrified citizens of Laweliniy. The government scrambled to keep calm and fix the gaping hole in the empire. But nothing anyone could do seemed to help.

The city was doomed.

Jaylin wouldn’t accept it. The fall of an entire culture was upon him and his family, and there was nothing he could do about it. It seemed as if everything was simply… out of his power. Controlled by someone else- someone who had power over everything. He, as well as the rest of the city, would die because of the degenerating mountains.
No. There had to be something that could make a difference… what was the city doing wrong?

The government had been trying to fix the city with logic and science. Perhaps it was time to turn away from that.

Perhaps it was time to embrace the legends that had surrounded the decaying cliffs for millennia.

Jaylin was set on his idea. Every day, he would study ancient leather-bound books that detailed the mythology of the empire. He learned of almighty gods, and the power they held over the earth.They told him of the strands of the mist, the rock, and the sky. The books detailed him explained on the all-powerful staffs of ancient craft that could control each element- and how those staffs were still out there.

Surely the rock staff could prevent the city’s downfall?

Jaylin’s mind was set on nothing but locating and wielding the rock staff. He summoned the most daring, the most hardened of his friends to accompany him on a journey that could save the city. He asked his… significant other… to be there with him as he set out to search the mountains. The books helped him to compile star-maps that would lead to the staff. And every day, a little more of the ungrateful city fell into the misty pink void. Jay

At last, the day came when Jaylin felt that he was ready.

On one dusky evening, the four silhouettes of Jaylin, Inisha, Temik and Ronan could be seen standing in a valley at the bottom of a towering mountain range. They had left the city- although it was still in Jaylin’s purview? He gazed over the falling empire. It used to be a place of prosperity, of peace. The avalanches had turned it into a battle for survival, a fight for a claim to the shrinking amount of safe land inside the city walls. The city needed the staff.

But was it already too late?

“Come on,” Jaylin told his group, starting up the mountain trail. “We have to find the staff.”

The journey was the closest to climbing that walking could get.

Days upon days of hiking through raggedy brambles up untrod paths forged by forgotten ancestors- the group would trek up the foggy cliffsides for the day, and then light a fire and rest by night. They had been journeying for almost two weeks when suddenly, the clouds surrounding them cleared in the night.

Temik, who was by the dying fire sorting through his backpack, noticed the sudden clarity of the stars above them. He gently placed down his equipment, wary of disturbing their resting companions, and peered over the edge of the mountain.

A sharp gasp escaped their throat. They were very, very high up- the towering cliff they were on disappeared below them in a dizzying way, and the misty void that lurked under all the mountains wasn’t visible from Temik’s eyes.

The clear skies brought on a rush of loud night noises that washed over the group. Jaylin sat up from his perch, his hand entwined with Inisha’s. A hawk swept overhead, screeching. Rubbing sleep from his groggy eyes, Ronan awoke to the hoot of an owl. The group looked in awe at the empty night sky around them. The air was thin, and the wind blew in gusty rushes. They were so, so high up.

“Wow,” breathed Inisha, leaning on Jaylin for support. Her silvery blonde hair blew in all directions as she glanced over the edge of the cliff. “We… we’ve really come far, haven’t we?”

Everyone nodded.

“I wonder what it’s like back in the city,” Ronan said.

“Panic. Fear. Terror. The usual,” replied Jaylin, slightly sourly.

Inisha bit her lip nervously. “We have to help our city.”

“In any way we can,” Temik interjected gravely. They turned to Jaylin. “How close are we to the staff?”

Jaylin reached behind him for his sack and pulled out a map. Inisha leaned over his shoulder as he studied it. “Actually- we’re nearly there. It shouldn’t take more than a few days.” Jaylin smiled. “A few more days, and then we go back home- victorious!”

Temik began to cheer, a grin on their face. “Mere days. We’re doing it, guys. We’ll be legends.”

“Legends!” shouted Ronan. He looked almost astounded, his eyes wide with excitement and disbelief. He smiled at his peers, who were grinning back. They were so close. The harrowing journey… it would bear its fruit soon. Mere days, and a century of disaster could be over.

Temik stood up and shouted at the sky in excitement, the campfire seeming to burn brighter than before. Inisha pulled Jaylin close into an embrace, burying her face in his chest. Her cheeks were burning with pleasure. Jaylin was looking up to the sky, and under his breath he muttered, “It’s a sign.” Ronan stared up the mountain, an expression of great determination etched on his face. They could do it. They would do it. They were so close.

The next morning, the group rose early and stared the- once again- cloudy sky in the face as they resumed their journey.

It was another night. The group were close. They could feel it. A sort of closure was in the air, and though the moon was high in the sky, Jaylin and his group did not pause.. They knew the staff was on the other side of the clouds. They knew it was in their grasp. So they travelled on.

Hours of climbing ensued, but the group would not stop. They were in the clouds now. They were freezing and blind. Temik struggled for breath. Ronan was unsteady and dizzy. Inisha leaned against Jaylin.

But they surged forwards.

And then, at last, the blanket of clouds broke, and they found themselves at the top of the mighty mountain.

The sky was a brilliant purple-pink, the stars like diamonds glinting in the canvas of the sky. The clouds below them were like a blanket, soft and smooth and stretching out forever. The hard stone beneath their feet was cold and icy. It felt mythical. It felt like a supernatural place. And the feeling was elevated by the stone staff lying across an altar, waiting to be claimed.

The four looked at each other in pure amazement. They were here. In the presence of the staff that would save the city. It was right in front of them.

“I… I…” Temik choked on their words.

The stunned silence that ensued was broken by Ronan’s question of, “Who will take the staff?”

The answer was unanimous. Jaylin. Jaylin had led the expedition. Jaylin had believed in the fantastical elemental staffs and brought the group here, so Jaylin would wield the power of stone.

Taking a deep breath, he stepped forwards towards the altar. Jaylin paused for a second, and then-

He lifted the heavy staff from its place.

The ground seemed to come to life beneath him, responding to the power in his hands. He smiled. Inisha shrieked in wonder. Temik and Ronan laughed and clapped.

They had done it.

At the top of the world, four people stood, one bearing the power to save their city. The sky was a brilliant dark pink, celebrating the fantastical achievements of Jaylin and his friends.

“We’ve done it,” Temik finally said in awe.

“We’ve done it!” Ronan echoed, almost crying in joy.

“We saved the empire!” Inisha ran forwards and embraced Jaylin, who laughed. He backed up and took Inisha’s hand.

“We are legends,” laughed Ronan disbelievingly.

“We’ll go down in history,” affirmed Jaylin. He smiled again- sadly? His grip tightened on the staff.

“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s save the city!” said Inisha, looking into Jaylin’s eyes. But Jaylin glanced away.

“Do you guys really want to save the city?”

Silence.

Shock. Disbelief.

“You- you’re joking, right?” Temik clarified.

Jaylin frowned.

“Think about it. Maybe our city used to be a wonderful place, full of great people. But look at what it is now. A haven of theft and crime. People kill to get land where they won’t be taken down by the avalanches. I don’t believe that the rockfalls started for no reason so many years ago- I believe some higher being caused them, seeing our city for the scum haven it is. If this staff of such power is real- if all the myths about the elements of rock and mist and air are real- shouldn't a transcendent being be real too? And who else could have caused such disaster in our city?”

The three others stared at Jaylin in utter distress. This couldn’t be real. Not Jaylin, the leader of this mission- surely not…

They shared a look of terror. What was wrong with Jaylin? When had his thoughts become so… dangerous?

“J-Jaylin?” Inisha pleaded, letting go of his hand. Tears were welling in her eyes.
“Inisha,” Jayin said sorrowfully, “You must see that I am in the right here. Don’t leave me. We can start a new city,” Jaylin looked at all of them now. “Together. Leave the old city to die. We’ll be okay by ourselves.”

“But our friends and family, Jaylin,” said Temik, their chest heaving. “We can’t leave them.”

“We can. And we should.”

Inisha backed away, tripping over her feet, sobbing. Ronan was still in shock.

Temik charged at Jaylin, roaring.

Faster than lightning, Jaylin swung the staff to the ground. With a thunderous crack, the mountain separated, and Temik, Inisha and Ronan were standing on a small floating island that was hovering over a deadly drop.

“How could you, Jaylin?” Inisha pleaded. Jaylin shook his head.

“I see now that you’re not going to co-operate. Goodbye, friends. You will no longer have to bear the burden of being a legend on your backs.”

He flicked the staff, and the island plummeted downwards, Jaylin’s friends going down with it.

Their shrieks and screams could be heard echoing off the mountains for miles.

And the empty sky had faded to a deep bloodred.

lokiously

critique for the stunning gabbie ^^
310 words

Welcome to The SWC Show!
Featuring: Birdi! Robin! Luna! Sun! Alba! Zai and Starr!

*audience appluase*

*lights fade on stage revealing the characters*

(Be more specific about which characters. Only Sun and Luna seem to be in this room, and if the reader reads “lights fade on stage revealing the characters” and then “Birdi rushes into the room through the door” later on, it might look confusing.)

Sun: Luna! Are you watching The Owl House on the television again while we're all doing chores?

Luna: *slowly switches off the television* No…

*audience: background laughter*

Luna: *coughs* I'm just… checking the lounge for dust!

Sun: *shakes head* Well-

*Birdi rushes into the room through the door*

(Smiling? Confused? Livid? How does she rush through the door?)

*audience: appluase and cheering greets her*

(*applause)

Birdi: What's going on here? Robin, how's the Main Cabin setting up going? I'm checking in to see if all the cabins are ready for campers tomorrow.

*Robin sticks her head around the corner*

(*le gasp* there's no audience applause for Robin?!)

Robin: Campers are tomorrow?!

*distantly* Starr: What?!

*loudly* Robin: Campers are tomorrow!

Birdi: Yes, they are, so I'm looking forward to seeing the Main Cabin finished cabin by tomorrow! Good luck guys.
*smiles and exits the room*

Alba: *frantically pacing*

(Whoa, how did Alba get here? Was she already in the room?)

Luna: *moans* Could this get any worse?

Alba: *stops abruptly* *hissing* Don't say that!

Luna: *rolls eyes* Why? It's not like we're in a TV show.

Starr: *peeks around the corner and stares suspiciously at the 4th wall*

*audience: laughter*

Alba: Trust me, whenever anyone, fictional or not, says that, something worse is bound to happe-

*Zai bursts through the door and shakes Luna by the shoulders*

(I'm curious as to how Luna reacted to the shaking.)

*audience: laughter and applause*

Zai: *panic stricken* Luna! My- my-
*pauses and looks around the stage*
Zai: Oh, you guys still have some setting up to do-

Starr: *walks into the room with Robin* *dryly* We know…
Robin: *wisely* It's a journey.

Zai: *hesitates* Oh yeah! Luna, you've got to help, my lasagna has been kidnapped!

Luna: *raises an eyebrow* Your… lasagna? What happened?

Zai: *thinking* Well, you see, I had left my freshly cooked lasagna at home when Finn came in and told me that campers were tomorrow. I was fine at first, until I remembered that I hadn't set my cabin up! *stricken face* So I rushed out the door-

Luna: Zai, you're not leading a cabin-

Zai: *waves her interruption away* Yes, I know that now, but when I came back after my initial panic attack, my lasagna- *sobs* it was gone!

*audience: gasps*

Zai: *faces the 4th Wall* *sobbing* I know!
*falls onto his knees in distress*

(Previously you had said “4th wall”, and now you're capitalizing “Wall”. Be consistent :D")

Alba: *starts hyperventilating and playing her ukulele

Sun: Alba, could you kindly stop that-

(I love that-)

Alba: What, playing calms me when I'm stressed!

Robin: *shakes head* Is he okay?

Luna: I- I think he'll be fine. But the question is, who stole his lasagna?

Alba: There's only one person who was with him,

Starr: *chirps in* and only one person who knows how much Zai loves lasgna!

Luna, Robin, Starr, Alba and Sun: *look at each other* Finn.

*audience: cheering as the five drag Zai along to find their first suspect.*

*lights fade out*

Welcome back to The SWC Show!

We last saw the Leadership and Daily Team Crew struggling to set up the Main Cabin when a distressed Zai bursts in! Now the 6 are on a mission to find Zai's missing lasagna and solve the mystery. Let's get right back into it!

(Maybe I'm just noticing the smallest things that don't really matter haha, but I'm all about consistency. Will you spell out your numbers or write them in numeral form?)

*audience: applause*

*lights fade back in*

*reveals the main characters getting off their boat and onto the Poetry cabin, also knowns as Poetrisland.

(also *known as)

Luna: *calls out* Oh Finn! We're here to visit!

Finn: *falls out of a palm tree and lands in front of them*

*audience: applause and laughter*

Finn: Oh, hey you guys- what brings you here?

Zai: *approcahes Finn and trips on top of him, pinning him to the ground* DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT STEAL MY CHILD

(*approaches)

Finn: *glances at the others in confusion*

Luna: *shrugs apologetically*

Finn: Zai-

Zai: *glances up sharply* Wait- I smell lasagna. YOU ARE A THIEF-

Finn: Wait, that's what you're talking abou-

Zai: *stands up and rushes away, following his instincts*

Alba: Zai, wait! Oh, never mind. *sighs*

Starr: *helps Finn up* Sorry about that. Zai is a little… frantic right now.

Luna: *shakes her head* Well, let's go after him.

(Does the story end here? Perhaps put the outro that you did for story 1 here as well (all the *lights fade* and stuff.))

This is a nice happy fluff kind of story. It has a fun, entertaining vibe to it with a little light plotting going on. Yet I'm not feeling pulled in very much. Maybe you were going for just a playful sort of story. But for me, I just didn't feel the need or want to look for the next episode. A bit of mystery, suspense, or something to leave the readers hanging will provide thirst for more, as well as providing more to write. So you could play with that if you want!

Also- the characters. I know they are the leaders and they all have their own natures to themselves. But here they seem flat, and don't seem to have very in-depth personalities. Again, maybe that was intentional. But readers may want a little more of their identities shown throughout this script.

Otherwise, I like this lighthearted story. Good luck!

spellboundgirl

WRITING COMPETITION ENTRY:

HARRY POTTER FAN FICTION, THROUGH THE EYES OF PARVATI PATIL, BEFORE FIRST YEAR AT HOGWARTS

I wake up with a loud rap on my door. I get up and look through the window. Sigh. What a pleasant morning it is. I slightly open the door, just enough for me to hear what is happening downstairs. As usual on a Sunday morning, I hear the rustling of the newspaper. I smell the sweet aroma of sizzling pancakes. I hear my pet dog, Max, barking from the comfort of his kennel in the backyard. I hear my twin, Padma, shouting back at him. Ah, the usual routine. I open the door, just enough for me to walk through, and then I gently close it behind me. As I walk down the stairs, I take a peek into my mom’s room. She’s still not here. Not surprising. But I still don’t let the ray of hope shrivel and die. “Mmm. Pancakes.” I say letting my thoughts wander. “With extra honey.” I hear my dad tell me. By now, he had abandoned the newspaper to take the pancakes out of the pan. My sister was now staring hard at her plate. Well, it could be a better morning. I go and sit down. Max comes and sits near my feet, leaning against my legs. I ruffle his fur lovingly. He looks back at me with his big, innocent twinkling eyes. “What a big golden retriever he has become.” my dad begins. “Hmm. The pancakes?” I interrupt in a bored tone. “Well, I haven’t burnt them yet.” he says with a sly smile. I hear my sister chuckle. “First time in a lifetime.” she says. We both erupt into giggles. Everything is going on as usual… until two letters come flying down the chimney and into the fireplace, where a roaring blaze is lit.

“Fire-proof letters, huh?” I say as dad carefully puts out the fire. I take the letters. Sealed. On the backside, the address is written. One is for my sister and the other is for me. Dad takes one glance at the letters and turns a ghastly pale white. He rushes up the stairs and into his room, closing the door. I hear the lock click behind him. My twin and I exchange similar looks of bewilderment. Slowly we open the envelopes, extremely cautious would be the right phrase. I take a peep into my envelope. There are two pieces of paper. I take one. It reads:

To:
Ms.Parvati Patil

From:
Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry

Dear Ms. Parvati,
We are pleased to announce your acceptance into our school. The first term begins on the 1st of September. To reach the school you may take the Hogwarts Express on September 1st at platform 9 ¾ at Kings Cross Station. On the following page, you will find the list of the necessary things you are expected to bring. We expect your presence on September 1st.

It is signed by the deputy headmistress, Minerva Mcgonagall.

I burst out laughing. It earns me a stare from Padma. “You don’t actually believe this.” I say. “Do you?” I ask, my voice quavering in the end. “Remember all those stories mom used to tell us?” she began. Oh no. She had to play that card. “Those…were just…stories.” I say, unconvincingly. “How do you know?” she retorts. She walks up to her room. I follow her hurriedly. When I’m halfway up the stairs, I hear voices down the corridor. Padma steps inside her room. But suddenly I’m no longer in a hurry to follow her. I walk down the hallway to dad’s room. The door is slightly ajar, though I distinctly remember hearing the lock click. The voices are louder now, even though they are still hushed. I make out a few phrases of the muffled conversation.

“But they deserve an explanation…for…for all we’ve hidden from them for so long.”
“But…”
“I agree, you can’t just walk in. But we need to do something. I don’t care how, but…you need to do something. You HAVE to.”
“Oh, so this is my fault now?”
“Well, yes. It was your idea in the first place…”
“To keep them safe, Raghav.”
“You don’t understand the seriousness of the situation, Meera! The girls got their letters.”
“I think I understand just fine.”

I can’t make out the rest as my concentration is interrupted.

“Are you spying on dad?” a voice whispers in the dark, behind me. I turn back. I watch my sister remove her plait of long, slender black hair. “I…no, I wasn’t. I just…got distracted, that's all.” I mumble, not meeting her gaze. I hear the soft thuds of footsteps behind me. Great. Now dad has heard snippets of our conversation and has come out into the corridor. “Girls, living room. NOW.” he orders us. By his tone, I know the situation is serious. Padma and I walk downstairs in silence. Dad heads back to his room. I can no longer hear the conversation.

Down in the living room, it is so silent. My twin won’t talk with me for a while, judging by her angry expression. I’m left alone with no one but my thoughts to accompany me. I let them wander back to the conversation. One of the speakers was definitely dad, but the other…it sounded like…could it…but it couldn’t be her. Could it? No, I try to convince myself. Dad walks in with a you-are-in-trouble face.

“Do you not trust me?” he asks me in a voice so kind, it makes me feel guilty. Even though he makes it sound like he is talking to both of us, I know this question is directed at me. It doesn’t make it any easier for me. “But…but..you’re hiding something from us.” I stutter. “Do you trust me or not?” he asks me again firmly, but I can feel the impatience in his voice. “I…yes.” I answer, uncertain with myself. “Good. Your rooms. You can come out after dinner. GO.” he says. I have never seen him so serious.

Days pass by, and we don’t talk about the incident. We don’t talk about Hogwarts either. By now, I’m certain it exists. Two nights before the train ride, my sister and I have packed what we can. We have a rushed dinner and head back to our rooms. After what seemed like a few hours later, the doorbell rang, interrupting my sleep. I walk slowly down the corridor, so I don’t disturb the others, but they seem to have woken up as well. Dad opens the door, still yawning. There is a woman in a cloak. Mother. Dad switches his expression to a surprised one. “Uh…Meera.” he mumbles, clearly still shocked. She walks in as we make way for her. “My, you two have grown quite a lot.” she says, in a cheerful tone. The rest is just a fuzzy memory.

The next day, at breakfast, she tells dad that they ought to take us to Diagon Alley. Dad argues back by saying that she first owes us an explanation. Mom wins. She always does.
“Padma, Parvati, do you still have your letters?” she asks us. “Of course!” Padma says excitedly. I, however, cannot say that I share her enthusiasm. The rest of the day passes by. We got the things we need, including our train tickets. In fact, right now, we have everything we need, all except an explanation. After dinner, I head to my room. I fall asleep as soon as my head touches the pillow.

The next day, after a delicious breakfast, after a long time, we head to the train station. I can’t find platform 9 ¾ anywhere. When I ask mom, she chuckles and says “Oh, darlings.” “Walk through the second wall between the boards platform 9 and platform 10.” dad continues. “Oh Raghav! What he means is, walk through that wall.” mom interrupts. And then, my parents erupt into giggles. Me and my twin exchange twin looks that read ‘confusion’. Back to our normal lives, then. We do as they say. Oh, the train! A magnificent red and gold. Me and my sister say goodbye to our parents. We have barely managed to find a compartment, but we do find one just before the train leaves.

Halfway through the journey, Padma asks me “Is this happening? For real?” “I guess.” I tell her, though I share her doubt. Outside, it starts getting mistier. Dark clouds loom overhead. Rain starts to shower, then it pours. My life at Hogwarts awaits me…

Word count: 1413
Author's note:
I'm 12 and this is the best I could do, I think. No hate, please, I know it is terrible. Critique is always welcome.

icebunny11

NickName - Ava
Content - Writing Competition Fanfiction Entry!
Word Count - 2000/2000 (AHHAHAHAHHAHH I FEEL SO HAPPY)
Fandom - Percy Jackson
Cabin - Thriller

LET'S GET STARTED

It started with a skit

Well, this was unusual. I felt happy this Monday. Very weird for a child of Hades.
Maybe it was because of the play today!
Leo stood up, dusting the front of his jeans, even though they were immaculate. He smiled with that same mischievous glint. As we walked to the cabin door, he jingled his keys in front of my eyes.
“Car ride?” he asked.
“Sure,” I answered. I would do anything with Leo. My childhood friend who could lift my spirits at anything, I was always ready to blindly follow him.
When we got into his custom car (since he made the car from scratch by himself, I guess he got that privilege), he suddenly zoomed in front, and I tipped over in the backseat headfirst. I expected Leo to stop and look at me, but the car went on at full speed. I saw The Son of Hephaestus laughing as hard as a hyena when I sat up. I was a little mad but soon started to laugh with him. That was just Leo. His laugh was so contagious it was like glitter. Once you get it on you, it takes a lot to get it off. We were still giggling by the time we reached our destination.
We stopped at our park. It was a special memory for us. Leo and I had met when we were way younger, and we had a play in this very park. And now, we had to do the same script again for our school, just a different academy. We had left early, so Leo had taken us for a small ride.

When the play started, people started hollering. It was raining, so there was a shade kept on top. Percy and Annabeth ran in just the last second. Percy was holding Annabeth and covering her from the rain. I couldn't help but quietly Aww at the cute scene, as Annabeth kicked and flailed, completely outraged at being carried, as Percy dashed as fast as he could to the seating area.

The Latino boy, around age sixteen, was kneeling in front of me. He held up a vital piece of the skit we were doing- a paper ring. Since the play was set in a medieval age, the stereotypical statement had to be inserted- Farmers were poor.
The drama was about a princess and a farmer. The farmer falls in love with the princess, even though she is way out of his league. The princess rejects the farmer at first. Soon the princess falls in love with the farmer too. They need to find a way to convince the father to bless her. The act being played was the beginning, where the farmer fell in love with the princess. Unfortunately, I was the princess, and Leo was the farmer. This scene was extremely humiliating, and Percy and Annabeth in the crowd stifling their giggles were not helping.

Leo tried to stop himself from grinning and somehow succeeded. I worked up my acting skills.

“I cannot,” I said, turning away like the actresses I had seen on TV. “I do not love you. How would my father allow me to marry a lowly farmer?”
Leo bent his head, and for some reason, I thought I saw a little more than acting in his eyes. I quickly shook the thought out of my head. We had known each other since eight. Not possible.

Soon the part came where I had to accept him. I put my arms around him in a hug, and the crowd applauded wildly. I could FEEL Leo's smug grin on my shoulder.

Then the part came where I had to accept him. I put my arms around him in a hug, and the crowd applauded wildly. I could FEEL Leo's smug grin on my shoulder.
And when the part to finally convince my father came, I internally facepalmed. I could never get used to Jason and Hazel being my parents. ‘Frank and Piper would be offended,’ I thought, but they were laughing their heads off in the audience. What good sports. For once, I saw my half-brother Nico smile with pure glee at his terrible acting. “I- er-” Jason stammered, looking at Piper for a second. “I have thought through your request.” Hazel was way better than anyone on stage. She could randomly lift props with the mist, and of course, she was perfect in her role- the timid mother who loved her daughter and the farmer together.
“Please,” she begged Jason, as if in a real telenovela. “I would do anything for you to allow them to be together.”
Jason raised the farmer's hand. “Well, you're in luck!” He acted magnificently, boosted by the fact that the act was almost over. “Because I have decided to bless my daughter!” He shouted.

The crowd went wild. It stood up, clapping and hooting and whistling and shouting, but soon the joy in my stomach got replaced with confusion as the gathering started to chant a word.

'KI$$'
'KI$$'
'KI$$'

I looked at Leo in panic, and he looked back at me. I would've screamed at the crowd had my friends not been in it too. When trouble was caused, I could always forgive my friends. They thought I was lovely for doing that, as a daughter of Hades, but everyone has their qualities. Have you seen Hazel??

Leo smirked and mouthed something at me. I wasn't sure what it meant, but I'm sure it was Spanish. He was smiling at the crowd, waving his hands as he walked closer to me. My stomach plunged to the deepest part of the sea. Was he really going to do this? He looked at me smiling, with a mischievous glint in his eye. Once soon in range, he suddenly took my hand and blasted from the spot, saying one word, Run.
And boy, did we run. We ran from the screaming Piper, the annoyed Percy, The horrified Nico, The confused Jason, The laughing Annabeth, The innocent Frank, and the smiling Hazel. We ran to the woods, then our treehouse, and we sat there, giggling uncontrollably and gasping for breath, still in our costumes.

'Wow,' I said, coughing slightly. ‘I didn’t know we were that popular.'
Leo giggled more. ‘Neither did I’

A DAY LATER

I didn't want to be a half-blood.

I wheezed, gasping for breath. I read what the community had written for Percy once again, and the first lines were exquisite. Percy sat next to me, his arms crossed, laughing as well. We were the only ones in the Poseidon cabin. I was sure he did not want to come to my house, Hades cabin, so I invited myself over here.
Kids, do not try this at home unless you have a best friend who is actually your best friend. You will probably get kicked out.
Hazel walked in. “What is happening?” she asked. I quickly sat up and waved my hand, and asked her to come to see this book.

A FEW MINUTES LATER…

“Hey, what's going on?!”
Leo was looking disbelievingly at us all laughing without us. Frank had tears in his eyes while Piper was doubling over. Percy himself was cracking up and way worse than the others.
“You are laughing without me!!” Leo huffed and picked the book from my hand.

A FEW MINUTES/HOURS LATER…

Leo was on his back on the floor, giggling uncontrollably. Percy was waving his hand sideways, trying to tell us to stop, but laughing himself. I had never seen Annabeth so red in the face.
“What do they describe me a-as?” she giggled. “ ‘athletic and having curly blond hair like a princess, tan skin, and stormy gray eyes.’ ” She fell to the ground on her knees. “And first seaweed brain calls me ’cute' but then ‘seriously beautiful. You sure do not treat me that way.''
Percy pouted. ”You definitely did not use your Yankees cap for good.“
Annabeth shrugged. ‘'I wanted leftover Lasagna.”
Percy gasped. “YOU ATE MY LEFTOVER FOOD?!”
“Ooops…?”
Annabeth ran behind Frank for protection.
We all laughed so loudly that Chiron came into the Poseidon cabin and reminded us it was 1 AM.

Wait, it was 1 AM?!!
I ran to the Hades cabin, only to be pulled in the middle of the road by Leo. ‘YOU DARE LEAVE ME BEHIND.’ he whined, and I rolled my eyes. I turned slack and got flung backward.
Leo was looking at me, fake sad. “How could you joke without me?” he asked. He crossed his arms. “You’re so mean.”
“Awwwww,” I teased. “Is little Leo jealous?”
Leo suddenly smirked and picked me up from the legs, hanging me upside down.
I shrieked. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”
Leo carried me to the lake, and I widened my eyes, finally realizing what he wanted to do.
“no no no no no NONO LEO-”
And I got thrown into the lake, Leo jumping in behind me. I swam up to the top, spitting water out of my mouth and choking. I tried to paddle to the edge, but I kept getting pulled back by Leo. How could he hold his breath for so long? Had Percy transported his power to him…?
I struggled to break free of his hand and decided to think better. I plunged into the chilly waters again.
I was directly in front of Leo’s face. His surprised brown eyes looked at me, and my angry ones looked at him. No matter if he was my best friend, I would teach him a lesson.

I suddenly closed the distance between us and took his hand. His eyes grew bigger until I stepped on his head with the help of his hand and balanced it there. A trick I had learned in Yoga class in the mortal world.
I could see bubbles underwater, but I let fire boi stay there for a bit more. He proved he could hold his breath in there for way too long.
When I thought he had had enough, I jumped from his head and raced to the edge while we gasped to the surface, spluttering.
I stuck my tongue out at him and ran to the Hades cabin. Over there were Hazel and Nico. Hazel had come for a holiday mainly for the skit and half for spending time at Camp Half-Blood.
Nico raised his eyebrow quizzically at me, but Hazel giggled, seeing my wet clothes and hearing an outraged Leo from the background.
“Come, come.” Hazel ushered me to the back of the Hades cabin while Nico and Hazel told Leo that I might have gone to the Poseidon cabin. As soon he was out of range, I flopped on the bed.
“Not with your wet clothes!” Nico hissed playfully. I chuckled quietly and ran to the bathroom.

I took off my clothing carefully and kept it in the corner of the bathroom. I switched on the hot shower and stood there for a bit, absorbing the warmth of the water. A pleasant change from the freezing lake.

I thought of Leo's face the next time I saw him and giggled. But it wasn't the playful giggle I shared with him. It was more… meaningful. With more feeling. When I thought about Leo again, my stomach felt funny.

I scrunched my eyebrows, using Hazel's ‘reduce-frizz!’ shampoo, thinking about why I felt that way. Almost like things were bumping around everywhere.

I tried to imagine one of the most unexpected outcomes ever. One of them was I hated Leo so much I enjoyed seeing him suffer, or maybe…?
I widened my eyes, realizing what it was, and then closed them so flat they became straight lines.

Come on. Leo was my best friend. How?!
I sighed as I switched off the tap and opened the door a tiny bit to shout at Hazel for a towel. She yelled back she was coming.

Not another one. I thought I was done with crushes last time.

Last edited by icebunny11 (Nov. 22, 2022 15:52:54)

unhinged_musings

Writing Competition Entry

“I'm Bored”

You walk along the shoreline, the sharp yet soft grains of the sand digging into your bare feet. The waves crash in, and fade out. In, out. Crash, fade. It’s a solemn, yet calming cycle. You inhale and exhale to its constant rhythm. You’re alone out here, underneath the vast, foggy blue sky, and it’s nice.
Something catches your eye. A dark red bottle, bobbing up and down on the edge of the shore, brought in by a wave. You stroll over and pick it up, finding a note written in rather sloppy penmanship inside.

I’m bored.

I hope someone finds this note, and learns how bored I am. Because I am very incredibly bored. I’m also about to die of thirst and hunger, but mostly I’m bored.

I’m alone on a deserted island. I used to not be alone, but now I am - not that that’s any of your business, dear reader. Neither is what happened to the body.

My only friends are the birds, with their bright, jarring colors and screeching songs of rrrapturous joy. I tremble thinking of their beauty. I don’t dare eat them, or drink their water. I have manners. I come from civilized society, after all!

I’m starving. My tongue is so dry it might snap in half if I bite down on it too hard. You know, I’ve actually been experimenting with that. Your own blood tastes a lot different from other people’s, I’ve found. Or maybe everyone’s blood tastes different.

Too bad there’s no one else here to experiment on.

Have I talked about how bored I am? I’m considering going farther into the island. It a bit dark and spooky there, in the damp forest, but it seems more a ppealing than this shiny-bright beach. I think the reflection of the sand isn't doing good things for my headache. Did I mention my headache? It's one of the most entertaining thinggs out here, but not entertaining enough.

But going into the woods would also mean leaving behind the absolutely joyous sensation of feeling the sand digging into my bare feet. That pain is entertaining too, like my headache.

Did I mention my headache?

I'm using a bottle and a sheet of paper from the wreck to write this. The wreck of the boat I and Marie used to get to this island. Most of the good stuff is gone - I ate it all, drank it all, or used it all, so exploring it is boooring now. In fact, I’ve explored it so many times, I know exactly what's in there. I could list it all, if you want!!

blood

Last edited by unhinged_musings (Nov. 22, 2022 16:14:06)

i_like_kotlc

a random story :D - 991 words total, 430 of which were written this session (bolded)

I wandered around through the mysterious forest as sunlight shone through the leaves. When I finally exited the forest, I found myself standing before a pale yellow flower. Filled with drops of dew, it shone brightly like a diamond in the dim light. I came closer, looking at the flower curiously, and the dew began spiralling around me, forming a strange water vortex-type figure that circled around me. I looked up in wonder, but soon began to cough. How strange. I rarely got bad allergies at this time of year. The coughing worsened, and I doubled over as the v10lent fit of coughing threatened to overtake me. It almost felt like I was… sick or something. My hand reached around blindly behind me, searching my backpack for the plastic water bottle that I had brought with me on my hike, but I couldn't find it. I could feel my airway closing up, almost like I was having an allergic reaction, but I wasn't allergic to anything. The doctors had done tests. Multiple times. So what was happening to me? Things like this never happened, especially not where I lived, where the air was so clear and fresh all the time that even those with breathing problems were able to breathe completely normally. Could this be… poison? I wondered dimly, my vision beginning to fade into black as I went longer with barely any access to air. Is this what dy1ng felt like? The world faded out into swarms of hazy light, my life feeling like only a tiny blip within the enormous planes of the universe. Had I done enough? How would I ever make up for it? I would end up fading out of the universe, just another insignificant person who no one even knew about, just another d34th among the thousands that occurred every day. I realized with a jolt that I wasn't trying to fight back, that I couldn't try to fight back. Maybe I would just close my eyes, disappear from the planet…
I felt strong hands shaking my shoulder roughly. I tried to roll over. “Leave me alone!” I moaned, burying my face back into my soft, feathery pillow… wait. My pillow? Wasn't I in the forest? “Am I… d43d?” I asked, strangely unafraid. A low, loud chuckle came from the person who had previously been shaking me.
“No, but you're lucky we found you in the forest. If we had come even just a few minutes later, you probably would have been gone. What were you thinking, messing around with the dreamdaisy like that?”
“The… what?” I replied in confusion.
“How have you never heard of dreamdaisies? They're one of the most well-known plants on Mysteria!”
“M-Mysteria? Where's that?” I asked, still utterly confused and wondering if I had woken up with a concussion or something.
“You know, this planet. The one you live on…?”
“What?!? No! I live on Earth!” I cried out forcefully.
“What's Earth?” the man asked, sounding concerned as he checked my forehead, “Nope, no fever. Did you hit your head?”
“Uhh no,” I replied, and when he glanced at me suspiciously I added, “I think I would know if I had hit my head. I would certainly have felt it, anyways. And my head doesn't currently seem to be throbbing in pain, so I think I'm good.”

END OF NOW

Once upon a time, long ago, the world looked almost the same as it does now, except for a few key details. There have always been two universes, that of Earth, and that of Mysteria. Long ago, though, these worlds lived together in harmony. People could safely cross the bridges between the two for trade, business, and just for friendly visits. These visits were, for most people, frequent - it was the equivalent of traveling to, say, the beach, nowadays. In other words, fairly regular. In 1032 though, there was someone named ___. Ever since she was a child, she dreamed of power, but no one ever trusted her. When she learned of the existence of this other world at age seventeen, she knew that was what she wanted to devote her time to - ruling both her own realm, Mysteria, and Earth. She visited a few of her “friends”, which were really more like powerful, intelligent allies. She worked with them, hiding underground in tunnels, to develop a magical substance that they believed would make her successful in conquering: dreamgel. The problem was, though, that while ___ was smart, so were these “friends”. None of them wanted her to have power, so they worked together to make sure her plan, which would otherwise have worked, failed. They added a fine powder known as nightenlock to this dreamgel, without the knowledge of ___. Legend has it that when she finally implemented her plan of putting the dreamgel into a flower, it disappeared in a puff of smoke, only to appear at the other edge of the room. She approached the flower, which she called a dreamdaisy, cautiously, and tested it on the nearest person she could find. To her astonishment, though, instead of following her commands, the person keeled over! By the time she discovered the po1sonous qualities of her failed experiment, it was too late. With the help of her “friends”, the flower had already spread over the planet of Mysteria, slowly seeping its darkness into the bridges between the world, causing the once vibrant portals to dull, eventually wilting away into nothingness. As a last resort, __ cast a spell informing the world of the danger of these flowers, then tried to keep the portals open. Due to her weakened magic, though, the portals were unable to remain open, but they sometimes appeared randomly for brief seconds of time. Over the years, the people of Earth and Mysteria forgot about one another, becoming only legends and fables, but with different names. None have entered the other world since 1032, save for _—_, now in 2022.

booklover883322

239 words: 300 points
Initial Thoughts after first read through:
Oh my gosh, wow. This is amazing! The project wasn't working, so I sung it to myself. It was super good. The lyrics flowed incredibly well, and the chorus sounds like something a professional would write.

A few critiques:

I never really saw you the way I do,
Until the day we talked.
And suddenly everything fell away -
Everything but you.

I'm slightly confused by the first line. I never saw you the way I do? It's a bit confusing. Is the person thinking about how, before all this, they didn't feel this way? Context suggests that, but the line itself is a little fuzzy.

I'm sick of hiding in the shadows,
Empty days with no tomorrows.
I just wish that you could know
How much you mean to me.
I'm sick of hiding in the shadows,
Empty days with no tomorrows.
I just wish that you could know
How much you mean to me.

While I ADORE the chorus, I feel like, since this seems to have a bit of a narrative, it'd be cool to add a bit of variation to the chorus each time you sing it. The two middle lines of the second half could be something like: I'll be seeing you tomorrow, I really want to tell you now. Some variety would be a cool way to vary the song and plotline.

It's too late for that though
No regrets, no looking back
I know that otherwise, we'd be through.
I'd lose a friend, I'd lose you
So I just hold back
'Cause you can never know.

I love the bridge! Super emotional. I really enjoyed reading this. The title insert was cool, and it feels really raw, like they're truly struggling.

Closing thoughts:
Praises:
Amazing song! I love it and I want it on Spotify, right now XD /hj I'm super happy that I was able to read this. The cadence of the song was consistent throughout. Lyric choices were great too! All in all, amazing, lovely, emotional, and relatable. You're going to do great! I wish you the best.

WestEndLover15

SWC WEEKLY 3!!

PT 1

This doesn’t require proof, but I found Eisenhower’s Matrix the most useful

PT 2

Questions:

Pls can I have encouragement for finishing the weekly? I'm running out of time </3

Replies:

you can do this!!!! you're an amazing writer - if you think you can do it, then you definitely can. However, if it's stressing you out too much then dw about this weekly

I know you can do it!! <33

Try not to panic! If you've read the first section of this weekly, then you'll know about the Matrix system, right? Maybe in your head try to make one - studying for exams is first priority, then SWC second (or even third). You could also try making flashcards or getting your parents to quiz you? Good luck w/ your exams! <3

*hands you the most delicious, warm motivational cookies ever known to man* you can do it!!

PT 3

Listening to music
Reading
Getting a good night’s sleep

Above are some of my self-care tips that I personally think are vital for good mental health (obviously everyone’s bodies and brains work differently, but these are just some of mine). First of all, I find that listening to music /really/ helps. Whether it’s listening to calming study music whilst finally completing that Biology homework, or vibing to some musical tunes in your bedroom, music always manages to lift my spirits. Secondly, reading is a great way to maintain your mental health; I find that being transported away from your worries and into another world is very useful if you’re feeling upset - plus, reading is a great way to improve your vocab and grammar skills! My reading recommendations would be Keeper of the Lost Cities, anything by Katherine Rundell or Harry Potter

. And finally, the habit probably most significant to SWC-ers, getting a good night’s sleep. I know the joke SWC>life is quite popular, but please rest well <3. Getting a good night of sleep benefits your health on all sorts of ways - it helps you to feel more refreshed and ready for a new day, and lowers your chances of getting sick. At the very /least/ 9 hours of sleep is recommended by experts, sometimes more. Please rest! I hope these help a lot if you’ve been feeling stressed or worried recently; if not, remember everyone has their own ways of doing things, and speaking to a trusted person about your mental health is also a really great way to start feeling better.

MoonlitSeas

Critique for Inky <33

The basement smelled of musty air and half-dead dreams. Wide stone shelves extended from floor to ceiling, lined with a vast collection of glass jars. Sealed tightly with dull silver lids, the containers came in every shape and size imaginable; some were squat and round, others long and narrow-necked. Each one housed a colorful sphere of light, darting to and fro within its small confines.

CAN WE ALL TAKE A MOMENT TO ADMIRE INKY'S GLORIOUS DESCRIPTION <333 Everything about this is so vivid and life-like; I could reach out and snatch one of your luminescent jars.

From upstairs came the distant sounds of music, laughter, and lively partying. The entire village had come out to celebrate Laria tonight. She was, after all, their protector. Their Weaver. One of her feet was planted in the land of the waking, and the other had crossed to the realm of dreams. It was her responsibility to guard the Bridge between worlds, keeping one safe from the other. A terrible burden, and also a glorious honor.

Ayyyy I love the lore here! It adds so much magic and mystery to this world of yours, and especially this Weaver, whoever she is. One note about the last sentence - it's definitely a stylistic thing and up to you, but you could replace the comma and the ‘and’ with a semi colon if you wanted to. Again, it doesn't make much of a difference either way!

I had hoped for the privilege of shouldering that burden. Twelve years I had spent, quietly preparing to carry on the Weaver legacy. I was my mother’s first daughter, after all. The family gift manifested in one member of each generation, usually the oldest child. It was not unreasonable to hope. To anticipate. To start to assume.

This builds so much emotional attachment and sympathy for the main character hehe <3

Except now all of my hard work and wishing was crumbling down around me. Laria, my baby sister, ten years old and scarcely able to understand how important her abilities really were, had manifested the gift. She, not I, was our generation’s Dream-Weaver. Simply put, Laria was everything I had ever wanted to become.
I was her unremarkable older sister, and nothing more.

I'm not sure how intentional this is right now, but at the moment, Laria is just a younger sister who has everything the narrator ever wanted, or in other words, someone the narrator is jealous of, but still looks down on. Do they think something more of their sister, or is that all she is to them?

One wavered slightly apart from the rest;

This phrase doesn't really make sense - what do you mean by ‘wavered’? I love the description and figurative language that brings the color to life though!

My tears forgotten, I crawled over to the jar and picked it up. The warm cherry light pulsed silently beneath my fingertips. Mother had often warned me that dreams were manipulative creatures, always looking to lure unsuspecting victims away from the waking world. Never trust a dream, Nadia. They prey on the innocent, and have a way of twisting people’s emotions out of human control. The worst thing you could do is listen to a dream. By the time you stop to hear their voices, it will be too late…

The suspense is phenomenal! And I like how you give her a name /now/, as opposed to sooner or later in the story!

In my hands, the jar gave a brief shudder. The light within flashed bright, bloody crimson as a sharp burst of heat stung my fingertips

I love how the description turns darker with the shift in how! Symbolism/foreshadowing? hehehe

You’re that Nadia girl, aren’t you?

You might want to either put this in italics or quotations to make it clearer as to whether this is dialogue or a voice in Nadia's head

You might want to either put this in italics or quotations to make it clearer as to whether this is dialogue or a voice in Nadia's head

^ same thing here

Well, now that that suffocating lid is gone, yes. I am capable of speech.

and here

Well goodness, girl, answer my question. Are you Nadia?

here too!

I can hear. I can see. I have been in this basement for many years. It does not take much talent to learn names and faces.

as with here! im not going to keep quoting the pieces of the jar's communication, but i think you get the idea <3

Unless! The dream flashed brighter with excitement. You resent your sister for her terrible luck, don’t you? You wanted to be the one to step over, and she snatched that chance away from you! Oh, the cherry-pie voice cackled, watching as my face twisted with ugly anger, I’ve jabbed a sore spot there, haven’t I?

I love the character this paragraph brings out, and it definitely adds on to the never trust a dream bit from earlier! The theme of jealousy is so much fun to read about :0

“Are you going to hurt her?”

CHARACTER DYNAMIC <3

And overall hehe

The ending :0 I love how the plot twists with the Nadia's emotions, and your characters are incredibly cool! You definitely have my undying admiration for your dialogue, and honestly, I don't have much critique to give! There are definitely certain points that you could have been more descriptive with, and you do still have the words to do so, but as it is, this is already an amazing story that expresses so many things - from jealousy to regret, and so much more <3

Ataraxea

Restoration
Word Count: 845 (including author’s note and excluding the trigger warning.)

TW: This may be unsuitable for younger readers as there is a mention of suicide and human experimentation.

This was once a peaceful world, but one day, a planetary war erupted, nearly causing the extinction of the human race. A group of scientists, who experienced losing their loved ones firsthand, decided to erase all “strong emotions” from the remaining population. At first many refused, but as the years passed, everyone succumbed. In the end, an almost utopian society was created. This peace lasted for a millennia, however, a new group of scientists found this way of living twisted—they sought to restore humans to what they once were. They sought to do this by putting various test subjects through simulations and the scientists recorded how they reacted in real life.

“What have you done to her!” Elias screamed as he spotted Lexi in an adjacent room. She was bedridden, with an odd device covering her eyes.
“Let me go!” Elias cried, as he struggled against the two buff men.
“Put him under,” said the guy in the lab coat.
“Wait, wha-” he started, but the darkness took hold.

EXPERIMENT 001:
START SIMULATION
*BEEP*

Elias sits up, groggy and disoriented. What happened? I can’t remember anything from the last few hours… Where am I? Is this…this is Lexi’s room. What am I doing here? He notices the letter on the desk next to the bed, next to the computer. It was addressed to him.
Why didn’t she just text me? Why am I in her room? What’s happening?
Elias opens the letter…

I’m sorry, Elias.
If you’re reading this, then I’m gone.
Permanently.
I won’t be back this time.
I know you care about me.
But I don’t care about you.
Not anymore.
How could I when you were the cause of every catastrophe?
Every break-up?
Every piece of hurt I’ve ever felt?
Make up whatever excuses you want.
It won’t change anything.
You know it’s true.
You know you did this.
If you ever loved me, you wouldn’t have cheated.
If you ever loved me, you wouldn’t have done this.
If you ever loved me, you wouldn’t have let me go.

Elias looked at the letter in disbelief. What?! I…I wouldn’t…and I never did. I never did anything to her, I’m sure this is all a prank, Lexi is fine. She is…right?

A light flickered in the corner of the room.
Suddenly, the computer turned on. A window opened.
Elias’s eyes widened. What? What is this?
A figure was hunched over the camera. Is that?! The figure lifted their head. Lexi?!
“Him too?!” she screamed. “I can’t…of all the people in this god-forsaken world…how could he?” Her body trembled as more tears leaked from her eyes.
“I needed him…” she whispered.
“How could he?” she screamed again, this time grabbing a lamp and throwing it to the adjacent wall. It shattered and Lexi let out a strangled cry.
“Everyone does. Why? Why do I have to be the unlucky one? Everyone leaves…right when I need it.” she cried.
“Maybe this world has no place for me,” she said softly, laughing.
“Maybe this ugly, hurtful world would be better without me.” she added. She laughed again. The window closed.
Another window opened. Isn't this the roof camera?!
A figure opened the door to the roof. Lexi..?
She walked toward the edge of the building and stopped, one foot dangling over the edge. She looked back, a sad smile plastered on her face.
“Maybe it’s better this way,” she whispered, barely audible over the wind.
She took the last step.
No…no…nonono…this can’t be…it’s not…it…it shouldn’t end like this… Elias was hyperventilating now, vision fading to black.

Elias sat up so quickly that he hit his head on something, or rather, someone.
“Elias! You’re back!” a voice cried happily. That voice…Lexi..?
“You…how…what..?” he mumbled. “Didn’t you..? You died. You’re not real…”
Her face fell. “Elias…Are you okay?”
“First you commit suicide, now my mind is playing tricks? Gosh, this is so messed up…talking to a figment of my imagination. I’m going crazy, aren’t I?” he whispers.
Lexi looked hurt. “I…I’m real…” she whispered.
“Stop toying with me!”he shouted with a ferocity he didn’t know he had.
“You…This was all a game to you, wasn’t it. You never loved me.” she laughed, tears streaming down her face.
Elias’s face lit up in realization, he remembered everything. The two burly men. The bald guy in the lab coat. The simulation… She is real. What have I done?
“I…I’m sor-” he started.
“No, you’re not. You don’t get to talk. This relationship is over.”

The man chuckled, rubbing his shiny, hairless head.
“Things are going just as I planned.”

Author’s Note: This is partially inspired by Sword Art Online, but it draws mainly from the idea of using virtual reality, or, in this case, simulations. I’ve never really thought about writing a story revolving around technology, I usually stick to fantasy or dystopian fiction. I took qualities from things I liked and mashed it all together to create this story. Also, if you didn’t catch this, both Lexi and Elias were placed in a simulation—both individuals experienced “strong emotions”.

icebunny11

NickName - Ava
Content - November 22nd Daily
Word Count - 530/300
Topic - Build up on someone else's story
Cabin - Thriller

LET'S GET STARTED

Story by ForestPanther from Thriller! It is amazing!

Here it is-
The only world that four people had ever known was crumbling at its foundations.

For a hundred years, the solid stone that was the base of a cliffside empire had been eroding. At first, it was slow. Small chunks of rock would break free from the edges of the cliffs and plummet thousands of feet down, into a misty pink abyss that lurked under the mountains of Laweliniy. The echoes of the fallen rock crashing against the cliff would reverberate back up to the ears of the inhabitants of the empire. It was a haunting, ghostly melody.

As years passed, larger boulders of stone began to break apart from the weathered cliff. It was a while before anyone considered it a concern. Efforts to sustain the integrity of the cliff were proposed, but many dismissed the unease as a geological anomaly- a natural occurrence.

It was a fatal mistake.

Half a century passed. The boulders that would tear apart from the cliff were now big enough to take down houses and buildings with it into the fog below. The city was nervous. And that nervousness erupted into pure terror when one-day entire miles of infrastructure, along with innocent lives, collapsed into the void and were lost to eternity.

The mighty society began to crumble. Every day, new reports of disasters never seen before filtered into the minds of the terrified citizens of Laweliniy. The government scrambled to keep calm and to fix the gaping hole in the empire. But nothing anyone would do seemed to help.

The city was doomed to a final day before the collapse of everything it had been for thousands of years.

Jaylin didn’t understand. The fall of an entire culture was upon him and his family, and there was nothing he could do about it. He, as well as the rest of the city, would die because of the degenerating mountains.

No. He couldn’t accept that. There had to be something that could make a difference… what was the city doing wrong?

The government had been trying to fix the city with logic and science. Perhaps it was time to turn away from that.

Perhaps it was time to embrace the legends that had surrounded the decaying cliffs for millennia.

When Jaylin made up his mind, he would not halt his plans until he succeeded. Every day, he would study ancient leather-bound books that detailed him in the mythology of his empire. They told him of the strands of the mist, the rock, and the sky. The books detailed him on the all-powerful staffs of an ancient craft that could control each element- and how those staffs were still out there.

Surely the rock staff could secure the city’s downfall?

Jaylin’s mind was on nothing but locating and wielding the rock staff. He summoned the most daring, the most hardened of his friends to accompany him on a journey that could save the city. He asked someone who was more than a mere acquaintance to be there with him as he set out to search the mountains. He would watch the stars each night, told that they would lead him to the elemental cane. He drew maps to guide him and his friends across the uncharted wilderness. He prepared supplies for the journey. And every day, a little more of the ungrateful city fell into the misty pink void.

At last, the day came when Jaylin felt that he was ready.

On one dusky evening, the four silhouettes of Jaylin, Inisha, Temik, and Ronan could be seen standing in a valley at the bottom of a towering mountain range. They had left the city- although it was still in Jaylin’s purview. He gazed over the falling empire. It used to be a place of prosperity, of peace. The avalanches had turned it into a battle for survival, a fight for a claim to the ever-smaller safe land inside the city walls. The city needed the staff.

But was it already too late?

“Come on,” Jaylin told his group, shaking his head and starting up the mountain trail. “We have to find the staff.”

The journey was the closest to climbing that walking could get.

Days upon days of hiking through raggedy brambles up untrod paths forged by forgotten ancestors. The group would trek up the foggy cliffsides for the day, and then light a fire and rest by night. They had been journeying for almost two weeks when suddenly, the clouds surrounding them cleared in the night.

Temik, who was by the dying fire sorting through his backpack, noticed the sudden clarity of the stars above them. He gently placed down his equipment, wary of disturbing their resting companions, and peered over the edge of the mountain.

A sharp gasp escaped their throat. They were very, very high up the towering cliff they were on disappeared below them in a dizzying way, and the misty void that lurked under all the mountains wasn’t visible from Temik’s eyes.

The clear skies brought on a rush of loud night noises that washed over the group. Jaylin sat up from his perch, his hand entwined with Inisha’s. A hawk swept overhead, screeching. Rubbing the sleep from his groggy eyes, Ronan awoke to the hoot of an owl. The group looked in awe at the empty night sky around them. The air was thin, and the wind blew in gusty rushes. They were so, so high up.

“Wow,” breathed Inisha, leaning on Jaylin for support. Her silvery blonde hair blew in all directions as she glanced over the edge of the cliff. “We… we’ve come far, haven’t we?”

Everyone nodded.

“I wonder what it’s like back in the city,” Ronan said.

“Panic. Fear. Terror. The usual” replied Jaylin, slightly sourly.

Inisha bit her lip nervously. “We have to help our city.”

“In any way we can,” Temik interjected gravely. They turned to Jaylin. “How close are we to the staff?”

Jaylin reached behind him for his sack and pulled out a map. Inisha leaned over his shoulder as he studied it. “Actually- we’re close. It shouldn’t take more than a few days.” Jaylin smiled. “A few more days, and then we go back home- victorious!”

Temik began to cheer, a grin on their face. “Mere days. We’re doing it, guys. We’ll be legends.”

“Legends!” shouted Ronan. He looked almost astounded, his eyes wide with excitement and disbelief. He smiled astonishedly at his peers, who were grinning back. They were so close. The harrowing journey… would bear its fruit soon. Mere days and a century of disaster could be over.

Temik stood up and shouted at the sky in excitement, the campfire seeming to burn brighter than before. Inisha pulled Jaylin close into an embrace, burying her face in his chest. Her cheeks were burning with pleasure. Ronan stared up the mountain, an expression of great determination etched on his face. They could do it. They would do it. They were so close.

The next morning, the group rose early and stared the once -again- cloudy sky in the face as they resumed their journey.
It was another night. The group was close. They could feel it. A sort of closure was in the air, and though the moon was high in the sky, Jaylin and his group did not pause for a break. They knew the staff was on the other side of the clouds. They knew it was in their grasp. So they traveled on.

Hours of climbing ensued, but the group would not stop. They were in the clouds now. They were freezing and blind. Temik was struggling for breath. Ronan was unsteady and dizzy. Inisha was leaning on Jaylin.

But they surged forwards.

And then, at last, the clouds broke, and they were at the top of the mighty mountain.

The sky was a brilliant purple-pink, the stars like diamonds glinting in the fantastical-looking canvas. The clouds below them were like a blanket. The hard stone beneath their feet was cold and icy. It felt mythical. It felt like a supernatural place. And the feeling was elevated by the stone staff lying across an altar, waiting to be claimed.

The four city-dwellers looked at each other in pure amazement. They were here. In the presence of the staff that would save the city. It was right in front of them.

“I… I…” Temik choked on their words.

The stunned silence that ensued was broken by Ronan’s question, “Who will take the staff?”

The answer was unanimous. Jaylin. Jaylin had led the expedition. Jaylin had believed in the fantastical elemental staffs and brought the group here, Jaylin would wield the power of stone.

Taking a deep breath, he stepped forwards, towards the altar. Jaylin paused for a second, and then-

He lifted the heavy crook from its place.

The ground seemed to come to life beneath him, responding to the power in his hands. He smiled. Inisha shrieked in wonder. Temik and Ronan laughed and clapped.

They had done it.

At the top of the world, four people stood, one bearing the power to save their city. The sky was a brilliant dark pink, celebrating the fantastical achievements of Jaylin and his friends.

“We’ve done it,” Temik finally said in awe.

“We’ve done it!” Ronan echoed, almost crying in joy.

“We saved the empire!” Inisha ran forwards and embraced Jaylin, who laughed. He backed up and took Inisha’s hand.

“We are legends,” laughed Ronan disbelievingly.

“We’ll go down in history,” affirmed Jaylin. He smiled again- sadly? His grip tightened on the staff.

“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s save the city!” said Inisha, looking into Jaylin’s eyes. But Jaylin glanced away.

“Do you guys really want to save the city?”

Silence.

Shock. Disbelief.

“You-you're joking, right?” Temik clarified.

Jaylin frowned.

“Think about it. Maybe our city used to be a wonderful place, full of great people. But look at what it is now. A haven of theft and crime. People kill to get land where they won’t be taken down by the avalanches. I don’t believe that the rockfalls started for no reason so many years ago- I believe some higher being caused them, seeing our city for the scum haven it is. If this staff of such power is real- if all the myths about the elements of rock and mist and air are real- shouldn't a transcendent being be real too? And who else could have caused such disaster in our city?”

The three others stared at Jaylin in utter distress. This couldn’t be real. Not Jaylin, the leader of this mission- surely not…

They shared a look of terror. What was wrong with Jaylin? When had his thoughts become so… dangerous?

“J-Jaylin?” Inisha pleaded, letting go of his hand. Tears were welling in her eyes.
“Inisha,” Jayin said sorrowfully, “You must see that I am in the right here. Don’t leave me. We can start a new city,” Jaylin looked at all of them now. “Together. Leave the old city to die. We’ll be okay by ourselves.”

“But our friends and family, Jaylin,” said Temik, their chest heaving. “We can’t leave them.”

“We can. And we should.”

Inisha backed away, tripping over her feet, and sobbing. Ronan was still in shock.

Temik charged at Jaylin, roaring.

Faster than lightning, Jaylin swung the staff to the ground. With a thunderous crack, the mountain separated, and Temik, Inisha, and Ronan were standing on a small floating island that was hovering over a deadly drop.

“How could you, Jaylin?” Inisha pleaded. Jaylin shook his head.

“I see now that you’re not going to cooperate. Goodbye, friends. You will no longer have to bear the burden of being a legend on your back.”

He flicked the staff, and the island plummeted downwards, Jaylin’s friends going down with it.

Their shrieks and screams could be heard echoing off the mountains for miles.

And the empty sky had faded to a deep bloodred.

This was… DARK
BUT SO COOL.

(WORD COUNT STARTS FROM HERE)

Inisha sobbed, crying at the ruins of her friendship with Jaylin.

Jaylin had betrayed them. He had chosen wrong, even though this expedition was for the right. He had left Temik, his best friend since… forever. He had left Ranon, who was basically his brother. He had left her. Jaylin never knew the real feelings Inisha had for him.

Why had she agreed to come?
Why had she been so excited when Jaylin volunteered?
Why had she felt warmer in the embrace of Jaylin?

'I LIKE YOU, YOU IDIOT!' Inisha screamed at the top of her voice, as they were still plummeting down on the floating island. How long had it been? Minutes? Hours? Days? Maybe even a whole week? Time was hard when all you saw on one side was a mountain and the other sides were just sky.

Temik gave her a confused look, but Ronan knew what she was talking about. He went up to her and hugged her from the back, and dragged her to the center of the falling piece of land.
Ever since Jaylin had betrayed her, Temik had shared his worry with Ronan that Inisha was constantly at the edge, literally and figuratively. She was always worrying, always crying, always quiet. And she was always on the edge of the island. Temik was scared she might just give up, and jump off.

It soon dawned on Temik about what Inisha had screamed about. He hugged her too, and they sat together in the cold, all crying softly at the betrayal of their closest and bravest friend.

Temik opened whatever was remaining of his bag, which was still with him. He took out a flask and poured some coffee into a cup. Surprisingly, the liquid floated. It raised slowly form the cup until it was an inch from the rim, and stayed there, bobbin slightly.

Temik nudged Ronan and Inisha, and they turned to face the fantastical sight. The speed at which they were falling allowed the coffee to move upwards by itself.

Ronan put his finger in the blob. It burst but came back again.

Temik snorted slightly. ‘No wonder, Ronan. You can’t even defeat a coffee blob.'

Ronan pouted.

Inisha's face filled with color for the first time in a very long period.
no, she did not like Jaylin anymore. She felt a sharp stab in her heart as she realized the truth. Jaylin was just a boy. There were a million others in the world… if she lived to see them.

And after all of them had finished the whole flask, the ground came into view.
Inisha froze.
Temik hardened.
Ronan giggled.
They looked at him with confusion.

'When we fall,' Ronan said. ‘Just jump. trust me. Jump and raise your legs just above your hips. I practiced this in training.’
Inisha rolled her eyes. ‘So you practiced jumping from a million kilometers?’

But they did trust Ronan, of course. Ronan was like a puppy. He looked hard and strong on the outside, but on the inside, he as just soft, and wanted to help. Not trusting him meant you were really twisted.

And when Inisha jumped, she whispered for the last time, ‘I love you, Jaylin.’

And a million kilometers above, though Jaylin didn't know why, he felt a pang of regret in his heart.

27agraber

Entry so far:

Metaphysical

-

I sigh as I throw open the big ebony doors leading to the mausoleum. They were fifty feet high. I think about why I’m here. Why it has to be me. I made a deal. A deal with the devil. Literally. I think about that first day that the devil had begun an invasion of earth. He wanted to sign contracts with mortals to collect souls. The souls would drive his invasion. He needed an envoy to collect souls. I had accepted his offer. I would give him the souls of people around me and he would give me whatever I desired. I thought it would be beneficial for me. How wrong I was.
I step into the first chamber of the mausoleum. The devil was in the tenth and final chamber. I need to stop the devil. It is my fault he could take over earth. I don’t regret what I have done because the people around me have wronged me. Their souls deserved to work for the devil. The one reason I was here was because the souls I had given him threatened to destroy earth. I would stop the devil. The first chamber is made of cold stone bricks crawling with vibrant moss. The moss also has exotic plants clinging to it. The floor is filled with pools of water. Around a hundred feet up is the roof where water drips into the pools on the floor. I go to the nearest puddle which has a bright pink azalea. I squat and put my left hand on the stone floor. I stare into the puddle. My spiky black hair is mostly obscured by my black hood. My green eyes pierce into my heart and judge me. This is all your fault. They remind me. I stand up and unsheathe one of the two swords off of my back with my right hand. A roar echoes through the room and the ebony doors slam shut. A big shadow emerges from the shadows in front of me. Now that the doors are closed, the room floods with darkness. It is soon driven back when the plants start a fluorescent glow. The room is lit up by something other than the glowing green eyes ten feet away from me. Wait, growing green eyes?! The behemoth in front of me is a titanic creature standing five feet taller than my five foot stature. It has giant bull horns emerging from the top of its bovine enraged head. It’s a big stone minotaur-like creature. The stone is weirdly transparent and within it I see a silhouette. Someone I know. Tom.
It’s been a month since I've last seen Tom. It was a blustery day a week after I made a deal with the devil. Tom had always bullied me. That day he was taunting me in the fields behind our school. We are both in the eleventh grade. I hadn’t given the devil a single soul at this point. That would soon change. I don’t remember what Tom had said, but I ran home enraged. That night from the safety of my bedroom I unfurled one of the glowing blue scrolls the devil had given me. The devil binded me to a deal. I would give him souls, he would have to make any deal with me that I wanted. I signed the letter metaphorically with Tom’s blood. He deserved it. I gave the devil his soul in exchange for the strength to overcome him. I never thought the devil would interpret that as the right to take him away. Although, I didn’t care. I don’t care. He deserves to be gone.
Now I’m back in the mausoleum. Back in the present. He’s here in front of me, preserved in this stone minotaur. I unsheathe my other sword. Let’s hope the devil really gave me the strength to overcome him. I tense for the coming battle. Then, cracks grow in the stone body of the minotaur. The rocks come crashing to the ground. Floating in front of me is the silhouette of Tom. His ghost. He knows what I did to me. He doesn't judge me. He nods his head. I hear the whisper of his hoarse voice in my ear.
“Do it for us,” He says. I shrug it off. I'm doing it to repay the debt I owe to the world. Not for him. Not for the people I sacrificed. They still deserve it. His ghost flickers and then disappears. I continue into the towering halls of the mausoleum. I go through the next eight chambers. Chamber after chamber I fight a foe from my previous life. Someone who made me feel worthless. They show me their gratitude for what I am doing for the world they love. I shake it off. I’m doing this for me. Eventually, I arrived at the ninth chamber. The final one before the devil. Its a simple room made of granite with marble pillars holding up the roof hundreds of feet above.

CleverComment

Weekly SWC November 2022 - Week 3: Healthy Habits (that was a lot)

Part 1. Time Management
I used Eisenhower's Matrix and the Pomodoro technique. They're really helpful!

Part 2. Encouragement Motivation
Comment: Could I have motivation to do my writing comp entry?
Replies: Hey, you can do it

Make sure to actually do them, as they these techniques can help you in the long term. Working and setting specific goals will help, as well as taking away all distractions. You've got this!

*hands chocolate chip peanut butter oatmeal raisin pecan sprinkle shortbread gingerbread samoa crumbl snickerdoodle oreo macaron flavored cookies*
I think setting specific goals to be done in a set amount of time would help a lot

Also, make sure to do extracurriculars that you like <3

Part 3. Self-care
Checklist:
Drinking more water, I'm doing this right now heheh

Exercise, I don't usually exercise beside riding my bike
Sunlight, I feel like I don't go outside anymore
Turn Electronics off, I watch too much TV and spend wayyy too much time on the computer
Listen to Music, this helps me focus, especially happier music

We’ve all been overwhelmed before. Last minute studying for an exam, rushing the SWC weekly, writing an essay on a book you have not read before. This makes us feel stressed, an impending doom rushing towards us, and we can not do anything about it. Well, that’s not true. Small things during the day will *hugely* impact the way we tackle tasks and fix them. Let’s look at some of them.

Drinking more water: Drinking water is what we need to do to survive! If we do not drink water, we become sluggish and dehydrated. This makes us prone to slower blood circulation, less activeness, and a higher risk of becoming a victim to illnesses. Drinking water throughout the day can help us stay on task and refresh us. A common myth is, however, to drink 2L of water each day. To many, that sounds way too much. We need to take in consideration that everybody is different, and not all of us need that much water. However, if you need help reminding you to drink water, there are some apps out there to help.

Exercise: Exercise is a fundamental part of the human body. As the world changes, more people do not go outside due to increased screen time or not having enough time. However, exercising is important. It helps the body grow stronger, helping our immune system, and making you feel great in general. It can be walking a pet, running, riding a bike, walking in the park, doing push-ups, skipping over a rope, anything that exercises your muscles! This can help you be more active and motivated

Sunlight: This ties in with exercise. We all need a daily intake of sunlight, this can reduce lethargy and increase the intake of vitamins and essential minerals. Exercising outside can be really helpful haha. Without sunlight, your skin would be pale and you would be unhealthier. Just stepping outside for a bit would make you feel better (unless you’re a vampire, of course).

Turn Electronics Off: As the world focuses more on technology, it becomes more of a part of our daily lives. Sometimes, I feel like I’m addicted to using the computer. Turning your electronics off and just doing something you like, for example reading or playing the piano. This can make us feel happier and accomplish more in life.

Listen to Music: I’m listening to Coldplay right now, which can tell you something about the effects of music. Music makes us unite and feel happier, as well as focus our attention. Did you know that the type of music you listen to affects your mood? Listening to happier music will make you more energetic and optimistic, while listening to sadder music makes you feel more understanding and empathetic. Listening to music will make you feel better.

In conclusion, using many techniques are a significant help in our daily lives, making us feel better and making the body operate better. Doing something you enjoy can boost our morale, make you more active, and go a long way to help you care for yourself. We all need to keep that in mind.

Last edited by CleverComment (Nov. 22, 2022 19:18:13)

pages-of-ink

Critique for Moonlit (@MoonlitSeas)

Standard Message That I Put at the Start of All Critiques:

Okay, so first off, these are just my opinions and impressions of this piece. You are the writer. This is your story. Feel free to ignore some of this critique, or most of it, or all of it. This is your work, and any edits to it are yours to make. Ultimately you know what is best for your writing, and I do not. With that being said, I hope that you find this critique helpful and/or insightful in some way. One of the best parts of SWC is the feedback that we writers swap among ourselves. I’ve found these critiques really useful in the past, and I hope that you will to!

Let’s get started!

In the eyes of the immortal, a year is but a small pile of dust, a mere remnant of something that no longer is, unworthy of a second glance, much less of remembering.

This is a wonderful opening line. It’s intriguing, the language is beautifully descriptive, and the stage is set for the story you are about to tell. However, it does drag on for a very long time. You have four different descriptions of a year (“small pile of dust,” “unworthy of a second glance,” etc.) strung together with a series of commas. It’s not the best way to structure a sentence. Maybe try splitting it into two sentences, or using semicolons to separate the ideas, or cutting out a couple descriptions. This is your first line, one of the most important in the book, and it is crucial that you get it just right.

All right, so looking through the rest of Fate’s introduction, I noticed the same thing with several other sentences. The language is beautiful, and you explain ideas well, but the sentence structure is awkward and overlong. Again, I would try to shorten these lines; that will help them to flow more naturally.

I am Fate; I am your puppeteer.

I love the simplicity of this line; despite only being a few words long, it contrasts well with the longer sentences and comes across as much more… powerful? Loud? I’m not sure if those are the right words, but either way this is a strong way to introduce the narrator.

The younger of the two is already swimming through the tides, the elder standing with a companion on a pier, leaning against the customary lifeline case.

I would split this into two sentences: one describing the younger person and the other describing the older one. It just reads as somewhat clunky, jammed into one line.

“Can’t you just leave me alone?” you whine, wishing he would let you carry out the scenes of others' lives on your own. You’re old enough to do this without his constant commentary and intervention.

I love how in these two small sentences you are able to to characterize Fate so effectively. It definitely makes you afraid for these two people whose lives they are about to control.

It would be a beautiful sight, raindrops rippling the sea beyond a glittering shoreline, if she wasn’t still somewhere out there. Somewhere out there, she was still swimming, drifting among the ripples, playing with seashells and flailing with fish. She was too young to understand the danger of swimming in storms, of floating among the merciless tides. They would ensnare and steal, capturing the breaths of those caught unaware.

But the terror Aria has for this unnamed girl feels so real -

It didn’t matter. She needed help. She could feel her limbs slowly giving in with every passing second. Her muscles were slowly becoming bags of sand, dragging her closer to the bottom, while her lungs breathed in less and less air with each inhale and exhale. Rallying her strength, she screamed. With every drop of willpower left in her jaded bones, she called out, hoping someone would hear her, “ARIAAA! HE-”

The suspense you’ve written here!

She’s alive. It was an all consuming thought, sending her whirling into motion, throwing caution to the winds of fate.

Aria jumped, plummeting down into the waiting arms of the cackling depths below.

And here! I do have one little nitpick though: on the last sentence, I would replace “cackling with another word, or cut it out altogether. It sounds too similar to “waiting and throws off the rhythm of this section, if that makes any sense. Don’t feel like you have to do this, though; again, this is super nitpick-y and honestly might just come down to personal preference.

Through the blood-stained glass, you watch as the lifeline reaches towards Aria, pulling her back above the bloodthirsty waves.

Since you used the word “blood” here twice, I would recommend replacing “bloodthirsty” with a synonym. Murderous, maybe?

And she let go.

The devastation that four short words can wreak-

(a memory of the past)

I love the placement of this memory. It makes the events that just transpired hit so much harder, now that you know some of the girls’ backstory. One thing, though: since there are two girls, and you frequently refer to them both as simply “the girl,” it can be hard to distinguish between the characters. It would be much less confusing if you made it clearer which child is Lily and which is Aria.

She’d always said forever.

They’d be there for each other, forever.

No matter what.

But now she was gone.

And it was always going to be her fault.

The way you stripped this section raw of all pretty prose and reduced it to short, choppy sentences… the contrast to the rest of your work makes Lily’s anguish so much more real.

She’d always be her Lily, her beautiful flower, her reason to live.

Now she was her Lily.

This feels kind of repetitive, like you rewrote a sentence but forgot to delete the first version? I keep rereading it, because the way this is structured seems almost like a stylistic choice, but I can’t see it. Are these two sentences intentional? If so then ignore this criticism, but if not I would combine them into one line, or make some adjustments to the phrasing so that they are less redundant.

“You’ll always be my Lily,” I whisper, turning my eyes back to you. A single tear trickles down my immortal cheek; I hope you understand.

This is just amazing, Moonlit. This is just amazing.

Overall, your piece is phenomenal. There were a few bits of awkward sentence structure and phrasing, but that can be fixed with a few quick edits. (Or not; I have a feeling a lot of that is just stylistic choice as well.) I love the way you used perspective to tell your story. I loved the suspense, hope, and grief that was layered throughout; you have a gift for skillfully presenting raw emotion in a few quick lines. I think I already said this, but your language. Is. Beautiful. Your rich, detailed descriptions absolutely blew me away. I really, really enjoyed reading this, Moonlit. Thank you so much for allowing me to critique it. Best of luck in the writing competition!

smalltoe

all that I regret

1998 words

My name means regret. But I’ll never regret nothin’, not me.

I made an oath of that. Beneath that old twisted yew tree outside the graveyard, candlelight splayed across my face like a flickering fiery hand, branches like the contorted claws of some fairy-tale monster grasping at my back. In the dim light, I could barely see even the candlesmoke rising from my cupped hands, twining through my fingers, spiralling into the sky, where darkened clouds obscured what might have been stars. It was the dead of night when only the dead were awake.

A perfect place to bargain with a ghost.
But bargaining turned to pleading, which turned to begging, which, in the end, turned to silence. And there I was left, alone with the shadows and the gravestones and the trees that looked like monsters, clutching a burnt-out candle and whispering promises that no-one could hear, still without answers.

Why won’t you go away? I whispered, desperately, under my breath. I’ve done nothing wrong!

Silence. The wind rustling through the trees, a monstrous laugh. Nothing else disrupting the grim peace of a graveyard at night. And yet, I knew the ghost was there, transparent hand resting on my shoulder, or leaning against the yew tree, or perhaps right in front of me.

The words burn in my throat as I spit them out in a rush, in a flood, in the light of a match.

“You follow me around like a shadow, you do, lurking in corners and alleyways, whispering to me all day long, and yet you’re too scared to come out when I’m trying to speak to you?”

I’m shouting, screaming, yet my voice is failing me and all that comes out is a wheezing rasp.

“You talk of regret but I ain’t never regretted anything, and I never will! I’ll prove it! I’ll swear an oath, right here, right now, and you’ll have to go haunt someone else!”

I clenched my fists, candle wax spilling down my fingers, squinting in the darkness. And then I saw it. A trembling, flittering light, a darkened figure, slipping through the sea of headstones. The yew tree leaned toward me. The crushed remnants of my candle fell from my fingers. I wait with bated breath.

“Rue?”

My heart sunk in my chest.

“Ottoline?”

A rush of running footsteps and she’s grabbing me, dragging me back to the house. Her words disintegrate into muttered what were you doing’s and why were you there’s, and I don’t listen, because it’s always the same. You shouldn’t have done that. Always the same. I’m just trying to keep you safe. The same. Are you okay? And always - “I’m fine.”

My sister pulls me inside, pushes me into a chair. She doesn’t bother to light a candle; only begins to pace back and forth in the dark, kicking a stone across our rickety wooden floorboards with so much force it could probably break bones.

“The graveyard. In the middle of the night, Rue, what were you thinking? If our Mother knew about this-”

“I have my reasons.”

“And I don’t want to hear them anymore!” Ottoline’s voice is tense, strained. “You never listen, do you? You could have been killed!”

“I bet you would have loved that,” I mutter.

“This isn’t a joke!” She stops pacing. The stone clatters to a halt on the floor. “I only want you to be safe, but you make it so hard. Why do you have to be so… so selfish, Rue?”

“Selfish?” I stand up with a jolt, my chair falling to the ground beneath me. “I was just trying to protect us!”

“From what? Ghost stories?”

We stand like that for a moment. Not speaking. Not moving. The only sound the hissing of our breaths and the pounding of our hearts.

And then Ottoline storms off, slamming the door behind her.

I would’ve told her anything when we were kids. We used to be so close.
What happened?

With a sigh, I wash the last of the broken candle from my hands, and crawl into bed. Ottoline’s bed is across from mine and, in our tiny shared bedroom, I can see the tattered quilt rise and fall with her uneven breathing, ragged jolts and jerks that shake the rickety bed.
I pull my own threadbare blanket up to my neck, but it doesn’t stop the cold creeping through my veins, the chill scarring my skin with goosebumps, the shiver creeping down my spine. Why do you have to be so selfish, Rue?

I lie awake, and my ghost lies with me.

-

I dream that my sister doesn’t come home.
I dream that our tiny little house grew extra rooms and extra stories and I look through all of them, calling out to her, wondering if she’s lost.
But then the house shrinks again, and I’m at the front door, and there’s knocking.
My first muddled dream-thought is it’s her. She came back.
But when I open the door, I see a ghost leering back at me. And the ghost's face looks just like Ottoline’s.

I jolt awake, shaking, my breath coming in gasps, and I know what I have to do.

Ottoline won’t like it, of course, but I don’t need to tell her where I’m going. And if it makes the ghosts go away, I certainly won’t regret it.

When I leave the house, matchbox in hand, two ghosts follow me.

-

It doesn’t take long to reach the graveyard. It takes barely any time at all to pick my way through the crumbling headstones to reach the towering yew tree at the very edge.
I stop. Breathe. Grip the matches tightly in my pocket, as if I’m holding onto them for dear life.
Come on. I’m Rue, and I don’t regret anything. I need to do this.
The yew looms above me - it would be almost regal, elegant, but for the gnarled, twisted trunk and the dark contorted branches clawing their way into the sky. It looks misshapen, it smells like death.
Apparently it's been here for generations, apparently it was here when the graveyard was very first built, and apparently its roots are as tied to the dead as much as the ground they’re rotting in. And what could hurt a ghost more than destroying the very essence of its graveyard?
I pull out a match from the crushed box in my pocket.
“You leave me alone, ghosts,” I say as I strike the match, “Or your precious tree gets turned into firewood.”
Threatening ghosts is probably not the best idea - but, for once, I have something I can use against them. So why shouldn’t I? It's not like they’re going to let me burn the tree down, after all, and even if they did, there’s no way I could do it with a single match.
Even if it did get burned to the ground, I wouldn’t regret it.
I hold the lit match against the trunk,
and I set the tree on fire.

-

It starts off slow. A single flame licking at the bark, twisting glowing tendrils outwards, burning stronger with every moment, crawling its way up the knotted trunk. It flickers and dims as a small breeze brushes past, and for a moment I fear it will go out entirely, but it does not. It wavers, it trembles, and then it picks itself up and continues to blacken away the wood. Smoke begins to spiral up from the trunk, along with a sickly sweet smell rising into the air. It smells like ruin, and it smells like revenge.
I step back. The fire wasn’t supposed to go on this long. Smoke’s coming off the tree in great billowing waves, yet the red-hot glow’s still visible underneath the rolling clouds. It's not flickering anymore. It’s a roaring, blazing pyre, flames ripping at the sky like the fiery red claws of some fairy-tale demon.
Smoke stings my throat, heat stings my eyes. The yews branches are like spindly sticks silhouetted against the fire that’s now consumed the entire tree. Another burst of flame engulfs the branches, and I realise - this is the ghost’s doing. They’re not stopping me, they’re fueling the fire. Maybe this is what they wanted all along.
I fall to my knees, coughing and wheezing and choking, scrambling backwards, eyes shut tight against the smoke. What happens if the fire spreads to the other trees, spreads to the church, to the houses? What happens if the whole town burns down and it's all my fault?
The heat sears my skin, and I open my watering eyes to see that the grass, too, has ignited, a sea of flame surging towards me in a blazing rush. I need to get out of here.
I turn, and as I run, five ghosts run with me.

I should have listened to Ottoline.
I never should have argued with her, never should have done anything without telling her.
I never should have lit that tree on fire.
I never should have come to the graveyard in the first place.

I regret it all, I realise with growing terror. I regret it all and now the ghosts are after me.

I trip on a moss-covered gravestone wedged in the grass, and I plummet to the ground.

The crackling, fiery claws begin to grasp my clothes, the smoke begins to taste like regret in my lungs. I choke on it, cough on it, but I can still smell it, still feel it-

“Rue?”

Ottoline. I look up, face streaked with tears. She runs toward me as the flames rear up behind me, as the ghosts begin to close in…
And the fire goes out.

It goes out like a candle in the wind, as if it was never there at all. As if it was stifled by the hand of invisible ghosts.

They collect around me now, more than half a dozen of them. They whisper things I can’t hear, slip around me like the currents of a river, spectral fingers sending cold shivers down my back.

“Ottoline-”

She cuts me off, brushing the ghosts away as she sits down beside me.

“What have you done?”

“I-”

“I’m disappointed in you, Rue.”

“I know. I was just trying- to save us.”

“No. You were trying to save yourself.”

Her voice is cold, distant. I don’t recognise it.

“I’m sorry.”

She stays silent.

“I’m sorry for everything I said to you, I’m sorry for trying to do everything by myself, I’m sorry for coming back here. I regret it all. I wish I had never tried to get rid of that ghost in the first place.”

“We’re back to ghost stories, then.” Ottoline stands up. “I’ll be at the house. I’m just tired of all- this.”

I know what she means. She’s tired of me.

I watch as she walks away, leaving me alone with the yew tree’s smouldering remains, the wreckage of the graveyard. I can’t bear to look at it. At the sparks, the gravestone, the trees that look like monsters. The yew tree doesn’t look like a monster anymore; it looks like a charred pile of ash. It looks like ruin, and it looks like regret.

It's not a monster anymore, because I’m the monster instead.

This is all my fault.

There are hundreds of ghosts now, hundreds of regrets. Spinning around me in a whirlwind, a tempest, the sea in a storm.

I close my eyes as they close in.

My name means regret. And I regret everything I’ve done.

The ghosts descend on me like a river in flood.

And go right through me.

Because that’s all they are.
Ghosts.

years later

My name means regret. And, yes, I have my regrets. But I don’t let them define me. They’re like ghosts of the past, like old scars, always there, but scars can heal and I can move on. I can change. I can accept all that I regret.

the end.

Rey_venclaw

Word war with Luna
prompt: none
proof: optional
time: three minutes
word count: 159
status: pending

Somebody’s got to tell that man to take a break, he just insists on continuing on, almost without stopping. If you pass him on the street, you’ll see immediately how tired he is. How exhausted, worn out, physically and mentally. He walks with a slight slip, he has dark purple badge under his eyes, and he is breathing heavily. You know who he is immediately because of this. No other man in the. city, even this huge, grand, city, looks quite like he does, handsome, but completely worn out. Always in a rush, barely noticing those around him. You wish someone were to be able to get through to him, but he walks around in a workaholic stupor all his life. You suppose that’s maybe a good thing, actually. Without him, this world would be very different from how you now know it to be. Maybe letting him keep on as he does isn’t a bad idea after all.

Whirlygig

This is my writing competition entry! I was originally going to include a link to a spoken version of it but then I got in my own way and decided it wasn't good enough to warrant speaking :')

(extra)Ordinary

2:43 pm —
ding-ding-ding-ding
the Arpeggiated ring of the School Bell
signals to the End of my day.
i tap-tap-tap my Foot on the Ground,
Waiting for the announcements (Which Take Forever)
to
be
finished
finally!
the bell ding-ding-ding-dings and I run out
of the School.
Freedom.

3:15 pm —
my favorite time of Day.
fingers Tap-tap-tap, fingers flashing,
Keyboard smashing,
mind racing
writing like im running out of Time
as my hands try to keep up.
this is the Time when i am free, i am Me.
i can Touch the
sky
nobody knows it, but This
This time where i pour everything into the
Keyboard, into My stories
iswhen I feel most alive.

4:02 pm —
Rush.
time to get my homework done
before life catches up with Me.
Time to sit through another awkward family dinner where i pretend
everythings
fine

9:15 pm —
take your mark…
go!
feet kicking, arms pumping
Imrunning
out of breath-as-I
Race to the end of the pool
faster, Faster
Still Not Fast Enough
stroke stroke stroke breathe
kick kick kick Harder Faster Kick!
arms like rubber, legs like Lead
lungs aching
the chlorine burns my Eyes
stroke breathe stroke glide flip kick repeat

i dont feel it now
but im getting stronger

10:49 pm —
I have this ritual, every night wheni
go to Bed,
i think about all the things
and the mundane ordinary of my day
and am reminded that i am Alone.
all alone
because even when iamsurroundedby
Friends,
i am alone
and i don’t know how to change That.
i dont want to be insecure, and I know
imreally fine, but it
still
feels
so
real

i hug myself
because nobody is here to give me a hug

my life feels so Ordinary
and i think-
if You were here
it could be extraordinary ?
___

309 words

omg what best structure!?!?!?!??!?! bro seriously was not expecting that but tysm judges wOw!! this means so much like when I saw my name on the slide I was like grinning insanely and everyone around me probably thought I was insane except the only one in the room is my dog and he's asleep so
um what i'm trying to say is thanks XDDD

Last edited by Whirlygig (Dec. 22, 2022 14:04:45)

Discuss Scratch