posting for critique

Bridget was supposed to be organizing some bills and other various papers her mother had plopped down in front of her about an hour earlier, but she was tired of sorting through her mom's growing collection of papers she couldn't just yet get rid of. Her mom was obsessive like that, she never wanted to throw anything away. Bridget had been stuck at home all summer during her mom's chores and she was sick and tired of it. She wanted to go out and do something fun. She wanted to go on an adventure. She sighed, she wished she could do something with her summer this year. It looked like it was just going to be another boring summer of staying at home longing to go back to school while all of her friends went off on cool vacations and traveled all over the world. When she and her friends went back to school they would brag nonstop about all of the cool adventures they had been on and all the amazing places they had seen. The only thing Bridget would have to share was her struggles with getting her dog ruby to take a bath. She sighed and went back to sorting the mail. She had started to doze off when she heard the doorbell ring. “I'll get it!” She shouted as she jolted up and hurried towards the door, eager for an excuse to stop sorting.

She opened her house's green wooden door to a man wearing a black cloak holding only a scarlet-colored envelope. His whole attire seemed a little suspicious especially during summer when it was like 90 degrees every day, but Bridget shrugged it off and took the letter. She looked at the envelope. The flat side that typically had an address and name on it was blank. She flipped it over thinking maybe they had just made a mistake, but there was nothing on that side of the letter either. “Um, sir..” Bridget began as she looked up from the envelope. “Are you sure this is our-” Bridget groaned, he had already made it halfway down the driveway. She started to run after him. He turned around and started to walk faster towards his car which was parked at the curb. She sprinted after him and grabbed his arm. He tore away from her and opened his car door. “Wait Bridget said,” still trying to catch her breath. “Are you sure this is addressed to us?” He paused and turned to her looking her in the eye.
“I'm sure.”
“But I don't understand how- I- Do you at least know who this is from.”
“Me.” He then shut his car door and began to drive off. Bridget stood there and watched as he rounded the corner and drove out of sight.

Bridget sighed and decided to open the envelope to see if whatever was inside would hold any clue as to what the purpose of the letter was. The letter strangely wasn't taped or sealed in any way, the flap was just simply folded into the inside of the envelope. Bridget took the flap out and shielded her eyes as a sudden flash of light coming from the inside of the envelope temporarily blinded her. Out of surprise, she dropped the envelope and it dropped to the ground. After a moment she decided it was safe to uncover her eyes. The strange flash of light was gone. She peered down at the envelope on the ground and cautiously moved to pick it up. She slowly reopened it. This time she could only see a faint light coming from the envelope. She grinned, now this was going to give her the adventure she had been craving.

July 19th Daily for someone to critique || 556 words || chapter 1 of a novel my cousin wanted me to write (he thought of the plot and I just built on it and wrote it)
—–
It’s 2035, a new city’s built, Technoville. This town had the most advanced technology anyone has ever seen. There was almost nothing but the coolest looking tech. Even some homes were basically robots. But, today was the day where the town was bustling with excitement… The very first Teach-o-bot. The creators of this amazing bot say that this robot is unlike any other. You simply show it something, and it instantly knows how to do it. For example, let’s say it watches you clean the dishes. Immediately, it understands how to do that and will do it for you, even better than a dishwasher. The town was impatiently waiting for the announcement in the middle of town until…
“I have an announcement, it’s not great news!” called the mayor of Technoville. Everyone gasped, hearing this information, even though they didn’t know what the problem was.
“Did the Teach-o-bot fail?”
“Did it fall off a cliff?”
“Did the creator die?”
Everyone was muttering questions about what the unfortunate news could be amongst each other. From a distance, all you could hear was random jumbles of sounds coming out of the huge group of people.
“The Teach-o-bot… well…” the mayor started to say. He could barely finish his sentence. “Well… the machine malfunctioned in the process.” he quickly said, getting his sentence over and done with. Everyone gasped in horror hearing this. Many of them yelled like they were in pain. Like their childhood was ruined, even though it really wasn’t. “Calm down! Calm DOWN!” yelled the mayor. Everyone quickly shut their mouths and looked up at the mayor. “I- It’s still fine. It doesn’t quite work the way it’s supposed to, but it works…” said the mayor. Suddenly, a large robot drove to the side of the mayor. It had wheels as feet, but had legs. It looked like a very weirdly proportioned metal person. Its metal was covered in fairly light red and turquoise paint.
“It looks pretty normal!” said a person in the crowd.
“Yeah, test it anyway! I don’t believe it’s broken!” yelled another person. Suddenly everyone started chanting. The mayor gulped. He knew what the robot did when you attempted to teach it something. But, maybe it will work this time. It seemed to be working quite fine for the past few minutes. He took a deep breath, as he knew this could make or break this city’s reputation. Everyone stared deeply at him, waiting.
“DO SOMETHING!” yelled someone from the crowd, throwing something that landed not so far away from the robot. The robot looked down at it, and then to the person who threw it.
“Please, don’t try to harm the robot.” said the mayor, a nervous chuckle following that. Everyone continued staring, impatient. Some people left, knowing they had better things to do. The mayor looked at the robot, and then walked away. Everyone watched him as he disappeared. But, a minute later, he came back with a small case. He opened it, revealing parts of a flute. He assembled it and then played a few notes. The mayor attempted to hand the flute over to the robot, but the robot just stared at the high-pitched instrument. The mayor stood, concerned. Was the robot really not going to take the flute? Everyone watched, curious. Until…
The robot simply walked away.

feedback to CJ

He quickly mussed up his brown hair before he walked in

typo- mussed to messed

“The king is dead. It is even more urgent than ever that we find the missing prince!

I think you should describe a bit more how Jai feels of his father dying. Does he feel glad? Does he feel sad? This would make him seem a little more humane if you shed some of his feelings about the news.

But what if Fox was angry that Jai had laid

another typo- laid to lied

He swore that he would never love again. Love only led to pain. Fox had hurt him more than his father ever had. He would rule with a stone-cold heart, and he would never let anything warm it, as once it was set afire, everything could go up in flames.

Wow the ending took a turn for the worse :O I love the last lines. So ‘poetic’ idk what the word is to describe it.

I didn't have a lot to critique about- if you need more, probably check with another person as this was rushed. I think that the story was amazing and really captivating. I almost didn't stop myself when I noticed mistakes as I kept wanting to read XD. That's all from me!

july 20th daily
(critique is 217 words)

Pride welled up inside me. Today I graduated from school. I made it. I dedicated 7 years of my life to reach the top. To earn the title of Elite. I can now do whatever I want. Be whatever I want. No one can stop me. I thought about my upbringing. I was an orphan my whole life. Bullied because I was a lost cause. No one can say otherwise now.

some sentences could be put together with a comma, but it's perfectly fine the way it is as well. I do that a lot too, to be honest lol it's not a big thing of course, but I need to critique the most minor things to get words in because of this being written so well lol. I just need something to critique. Also, grammarly is saying to reach should be reaching lol we love grammarly

Those bullies deserve a smack in the face. All they ever did was give me motivation.

THAT LINE SLAYES FOR REAL YESS

I gazed out of the balcony of my dorm- I’ve lived in this same room for the past 7 years. The stars were shining bright. It must be an omen. I searched the stars. Maybe somewhere there was a sign on what path I should take.

Again lol you didn't really make any grammatical errors as far as I can tell so I have to critique the small things hehe. Again there could be commas here and there, but periods work too since all of your sentences are complete.

Should I take the title as one of the Elites and lead the land or become a teacher like I’ve always dreamed. Nothing seemed out of place. I just left it as it was. Maybe tomorrow I’ll find a sign.

ahhh yes indecisive superiority slay

Also, like should be as in the first sentence.

I ran out of my dorm and headed to the beautiful garden. I brushed my hands against the strong bark of the majestic oak tree. I knew all of this was fake. One of the Elite’s most guarded secrets. All of this wonder. The magical feeling of our home and the nature that surrounds it. All of it was fake. Just illusions. I was told this secret at graduation. They whispered it into my ear. Begging me to keep the secret safe.

oooh mysteriousss

I rest my head against the bark. I thought about the first enchanter. Would he be okay with all of this? The lying. It must be- otherwise previous Elites wouldn’t have kept it a secret.

Im assuming the be- is a typo lol

I heard the cry of a dwarf, “ALL GRADUATES MUST EVACUATE THE PREMISE IN 30 MINUTES. I REPEAT, 30 MINUTES.” The dwarf raced around the garden then ran out of view.

grammarly says then needs an and in front of it lolI didn't notice that by myself lol.

Similar cries echoed the one I had just heard in the distance. I sighed. I guess I better finish packing. Kids young and old ushered their way to their destinations. The familiar noise of conversation filled the giant lobby. I breathed it all in. I was going to miss this place.

oh noo they have to leave after seven years that's so sad. This part seems awesome lol I can't find anything wrong with it. Also overall this was awesome and I enjoyed reading it. If you ever continue or add more I would love to read it lol. You're amazing

(:sob: I probably made grammar mistakes in my sentences while critiquing you whoops.)

First off, this story is amazing! You're a better writer than I am. /gen You vary your descriptive words, and your use of literary devices is excellent. You have amazing grammar and spelling as well.

Though there are a few things I would like to address:

Tugging onto Lyde, I pull him along and continue walking. But something in the back of my mind tells me that I do have to be aware of the frost, slithering towards us like a giant white snake.

I love this sentence, you use an amazing simile. The only thing I would get rid of is the word “do”, it's unnecessary and the sentence sounds better without it.

“Lyde, go home first. Hey, really, it’s okay. I just wanna know what this thing does.”

In between the first and second sentences, maybe add something about Lyde's reaction to her first sentence. The reader can guess that Lyde reacted negatively but don't get much of a picture. It's quite an abrupt change from the first and second sentences.

Watching him as he shoulders his backpack and turns around the corner, I turn back to the frost.

This sentence could be reworded as “I watch him as he shoulders his backpack and turns around the corner, then I turn back to face the frost.” It sounds makes the sentence more active and easier to read.

By my parents, by my classmates, even my teacher, Brady Smith.

The word “by” before “my classmates” is unnecessary.

And I suddenly know that running away from everything - like a coward - it wouldn’t solve the problem.

If you swap the words “suddenly” and “I” and place a comma between them, it makes the sentence sound more active. And the word “it” can be removed.

Heroes aren’t people who fly around in silly neon costumes every day, zooming around the sky and acting people.

“acting people” doesn't make sense. I assume it's a typo.

And I want to change that - especially if it means giving up for others and finding my purpose.

“Sacrificing” would be a better choice of words than “giving up”.

I crouch down and put my palm facedown on the cold cement, and not before long, my hand starts to numb from the ice seeping into every part of my body.

“Place” is a better choice of words than “put.”

It was a bright, sunny day like no other. The trees were dancing in the light breeze, with the leaves fluttering onto the ground like a feather. The ground was rather dry for an Autumn day, with the soil unmoving and full of dirt (just like any other soil) and the grass as sharp as a knife. It stuck up like shards of glass.
As it was a lovely Autumn day, it was also rather cold. The leaves had succumbed to the cold - they had started to fall back into a tinge of brown, and a colouring of blood-red. Some lucky ones maintained the chlorophyll, but were sabotaged all the same - they had turned into a dirty brown. The light breeze had the same cold chill that happened when frost touched the ground. Except it was Autumn, and definitely not frosty yet.
A robin nestled deeply in its sleep - an oversleeper, definitely. It was perched on a branch, its eyes closed as if it were peaceful (it probably was). Its wings were tucked in which made it look like a bird without wings.
The robin was suddenly woken up by a chorus of birds chirping excitedly.
“What?” the robin asked sleepily, lifting its head up.
“I see… worms!” Its friend - a blackbird - chirped excitedly. “A full feast of them!”
The robin, who was half asleep, didn’t take in the matter fully.
“Oh… worms. Worms are delicious.”
The robin thought about going out and being the first bird to get the worms, but couldn’t get itself to move.
“I’ll do it later,” the robin said quietly, falling right back into a deep sleep. This was definitely how the robin procrastinates.
Hours later, the robin awoke with a start. It took a few mere moments to process everything.
“I - I fell asleep…?” the robin wondered out loud. “Where are the worms?”
“Too late,” a sparrow chirped beside it. “The early bird catches the worm.”

Hey, CJ!! I possibly wrote a bit too much for this, but I hope it helps out! xDD
Please don't take offense from anything I say here—these are just suggestions and my only goal is to help you improve your story. I always try to keep my tone positive when critiquing, and I (of course) always mean to be constructive and not mean. xD Anything that seems rude is definitely not meant that way, and I apologize in advance for anything of the sort.
I know this seems like a LOT of feedback, and there's not much time until the writing comp due date. However, these are just suggestions and there is absolutely no pressure to use all of them if you don't feel like they fit with your story (or if you don't have the time). I did spend a lot of space discussing grammar, and those things should be able to be fixed pretty quickly, but there were some spots where I suggested to add a sentence or two to clarify or give further description.
Alrighttt that was quite long, we should probably actually get into feedback now xDD

Jai’s legs burned, but he knew he couldn’t stop running, not if his father lived. His thoughts went back to the dark times at the palace, the stinging whip on his back, over and over. The verbal abuse from his father as well, telling him he would never ever be good enough. He found himself spiraling down into a sea of hopeless thoughts and quickly jerked back to the present.  
Ooh what a cool start!! I feel like the first lines would be a bit more powerful if you divided them with either a period or an M-dash after running. Also, “not if his father lived” was a bit confusing to me. xD I don't know if this is just me, but it makes it sound more like he is running to his father. (rather than from him, which I think is what you were going for?)
Maybe indent after “lived,” to add a bit more power to that first sentence and to divide his thoughts from the actions. Also, for the last sentence in this paragraph, maybe you could separate the two parts farther with “…hopeless thoughts, but he quickly jerked…”



After hours of running, he stopped at a nearby pub. He quickly mussed up his brown hair before he walked in, hoping that nobody would recognize him. Once someone recognized him as the prince, he would surely be dragged back to the palace. The punishment he would receive.. Just thinking about it was enough to make him feel ill. And if he made one small slip up and exposed his magic.. He would be done for. His head felt like it was spinning as he sat at the pub table. He had no idea what he was going to do now. Would he have to forever live on the run? He suddenly felt a tap on his shoulder and looked up to a beautiful pair of blue eyes. A lean boy with russet hair and freckles dotted all over his face looked back at him. Jai was blown away by his beauty, the boy seemed to glow with light. It was almost as if someone had put a light spell on him, but Jai detected no magic.
This is so interesting already!! :D The first thing I'm noticing here is that the paragraph is really long, maybe split it up when he feels the tap on his shoulder? Also, you've got two sentences with a trailing off triple dot thing (totally forget what those are called) in a row, maybe just use a comma in the second one? And when you use the dots, make sure you have three, not two, and that the first letter in the rest of the sentence after it is lowercase :)
I love your initial description of Fox, it's so cool that you introduced both him and the magic in this world at the same time! :D Maybe do a semicolon instead of a comma in “…blown away by his beauty, the boy seemed to glow…”


The boy smiled slyly, like he knew Jai was looking at him. Jai blushed and averted his gaze.  
I'm pretty sure you would use as if instead of like here.


“Hey there newcomer, I’m Fox, you look kinda familiar.” Fox cocked his head to the side, studying Jai.
Maybe do a period between “I'm Fox” and “you look”? I like the attribution you used here, having Fox actually do something instead of just saying “he said” is a great way to introduce him!


Jai’s heart raced faster, did Fox know? He choked out a reply. “Oh really, I’ve never seen you before. I would’ve remembered, because you’re so beautiful.” He quickly clapped a hand over his mouth, blushing furiously. He wanted to bury himself in a hole and die.
Lol awkward flirting is the best <333 Maybe you could separate the first question in his dialogue, like “Oh really? I've never seen you before.” You don't need the comma before ‘because’ :) Andd one more thing, maybe use an M dash instead of a comma in the first sentence?


“You aren’t too bad yourself.” Fox moved his hand to brush Jai’s hair off his face. He twirled it around his finger. Jai’s breath caught in his throat, was Fox flirting with him?
ahhhhhhh omg <333 Again, maybe separate the last two sentences so that the first ends in a period and the second ends in a question mark :)




“I-I’m Jai.” He managed to get out.
For this one, use a comma inside the quotation marks and lowercase-ify the ‘He.’


“Fox, stop flirting with the new guy!” A boy who Jai presumed was Fox’s friend called out.
Lol. One thing here, I think you need to lowercase the “A”


Instead of looking embarrassed Fox just grinned. “Talk to you later?” Fox asked Jai.
Hehe I love your characters. I'm pretty sure you'd use a comma after “embarrassed.” Also, since you're talking about Fox earlier in the sentence, you can do “he asked Jai” instead of “Fox asked Zai.”


“Yes!” Jai said before he could stop himself. He knew his father could easily find him, but he couldn’t say no. He couldn’t believe that someone wanted him. That someone wanted to be with him. He would do everything possible to stay with Fox.
Aww this is so sweet!! Jai is definitely being very trusting here—I know it's really important to the rest of the story that he trusted Fox completely, but maybe you could add just a couple more sentences where he debates with himself about whether he made the right choice? Also, maybe indent before the last sentence to set it apart a bit more?


2 weeks later.

Fox ran down the stairs to greet Jai, but suddenly, he slipped. He flew into the air and was about tumble down the stairs. Time seemed to slow as he glided through the air, eyes wide with shock. Then he softly landed back on the ground, like he weighed nothing at all. Jai’s brow was wrinkled in concentration, and he let out a breath when Fox was safely on the ground. Fox’s jaw dropped. Jai couldn’t believe what he had done, he was so stupid. Why had he revealed his magic? Now his father would surely find him. Jai made a sealing motion across his lips to Fox. Fox nodded and Jai sighed with relief. At least Fox didn’t know he was the prince, right?..?
:0 this is so cool!! :D I feel like this reveal of his magic is a little bit sudden. Maybe you could allude to it a bit earlier in the story, like when he thinks there's a light spell cast on Fox. He could check his hands/mind/wherever magic is stored to make sure he wasn't the one casting it?
This is again a pretty long paragraph, maybe split it up before “Then he softly landed…” and again to make “Fox's jaw dropped” its own separate paragraph. This would definitely add some emphasis to the fact that Fox didn't yet know about Jai's magic.
In the second sentence, I think you forgot ‘to.’ In the fourth, ‘like’ should be ‘as if,’ since it's comparing his landing to a full clause with a subject and a verb, not just a solitary noun. For the fourth sentence, I think you can take out the ‘was.’ In the seventh, use a semicolon instead of a comma because you're connecting two parallel main clauses. And one last thing, you've got an extra question mark after “right” :)



After that Fox would sometimes ask Jai to use his magic to get him things. At first simple things, like getting him an apple, but then it evolved to conjuring Fox a bag of gold coins, or making rings appear in thin air. Jai didn’t understand it, but he loved Fox, so he did it for him.
Ahh this is so sweet! (the coins seem a bit suspicious, though…) For the second sentence, maybe change it to “At first iT wAs simple things.”


A few weeks later



Jai was in the middle of a terrible nightmare that his father had come to take him away when he was awoken by the messenger's whistle. He could see through the window to see red flags being waved, his eyes widened in fear, that was never good. He shot up straight in his bed and rushed down the stairs, without even bothering to change out of his pajamas. He reached the square just as the messenger was giving his annoucnement.
Oh noo what's going to happen??
Maybe go a bit more into depth in the nightmare—is it a recurring dream? what exactly happens? how does it make him feel?—to make it a little more emotional to the readers. The second sentence in this paragraph could be split at “…red flags being waved. His eyes widened…” After “that was never good,” you could start a new paragraph because he's doing something different (leaving). And you had a small typo in announcement :)




“The king is dead. It is even more urgent than ever that we find the missing prince! 100,000 dors will be given to the person who turns him in.” The messenger started describing Jai, but Jai’s vision had started to blur and he couldn’t hear a single word the messenger spoke. He took deep breaths to calm himself as his mind spun.
Ooh tension :000 I love the description of Jai's emotions here, that really helped me to understand how stressed out about this he is!! Maybe indent right after the dialogue so that Jai's reaction is in its own paragraph. Also, maybe you could find a synonym for Jai to use in the second sentence after the “but.” (“the boy,” “the prince,” etc.) Also, why do they want to find the prince? Is it just to return him home, or is he going to rule or something? Did his father start the search?


His mind raced with options. This news created a huge problem for him. There would now be people looking for him, wanting that reward for turning him in. Even though his father was dead he still couldn’t go back to the palace. If he did he would have to leave Fox, as the people would never accept Fox, a peasant as a ruler. He didn’t want to leave Fox, his heart ached just at the thought of it and his eyes started to well with tears. He had to either tell Fox the truth and run away with him or go back and rule the kingdom. But what if Fox was angry that Jai had laid, what if he no longer wanted to be with him? This decision could decide Jai’s future. He took a moment to calm himself, he slowed his fast-racing heart, and breathed in deeply. Now that he was calm, he thought over everything and finally came to a decision. He searched for Fox in the crowd and rushed toward him.
There are a couple comma errors in this—you need a comma between “his father was dead” and “he still couldn't go,” one after “If he did,” one after “a peasant,” one after “run away with him,” and take out the one after “fast-racing heart.” Also, some M dashes could be added—one after “a huge problem for him” to link that to the actual description of the problem and another after “He didn't want to leave Fox.” There was a typo in the eighth sentence, laid instead of lied. Maybe you could indent before “This decision could decide Jai's future” to make that sentence seem even more important. Instead of saying both “decision” and “decide,” you could say change or determine instead of decide. In the sentence starting with “He took a moment to calm himself,” you could change “he slowed his fast-racing heart and breathed in deeply” to “slowing his fast-racing heart and breathing in deeply” to add a bit more variation. Another indent could be added before “Now that he was calm…” to give his decision some more weight. Andd one more thing—the “as the people” in the fifth sentence should be “since the people.” (aah I can't wait to see what happens with Fox!!)



“Fox, I need to tell you something.” He pulled Fox away. “I-I'm the prince. I’m sorry I lied to you, but I couldn’t let myself be taken back. My father was abusive, verbally, and physically.” Fox’s face was pitying, but he smirked cruelly. Jai was so confused, why would Fox smirk at this news?
OH NO WHAT'S UP WITH YOU FOX :000 Just one thing here, indent before you describe Fox's reaction


“Goodbye, Jai. Next time, don’t fall in love with every cute stranger you meet.” Jai felt a hard whack to the back of his neck and his vision went black. The square faded from view and was replaced by inky black darkness.
WHAT WHAT WHAT OMGGGG :0000000 THE CONFLICT REALLY WENT UP HERE??? WAS NOT EXPECTING THIS BUT IT IS SO COOLLL
Indent before “Jai felt…” Also, I was a bit confused by “The square faded from view…” the first time I read this—I was for some reason thinking ‘square’ was referring to the shape, and completely forgot that it's also used to refer to the place xDD If you'd like, maybe replace “square” with “courtyard” or something?


Jai woke up in the royal castle, and his memory of the past few hours came flashing back. Why had Fox betrayed him? Was it for the money? Had Fox known his identity all along and been using him for his magic and just waiting till he could get a reward? Jai had never felt more heartbroken, his heart felt hollow. He swore that he would never love again. Love only led to pain. Fox had hurt him more than his father ever had. He would rule with a stone-cold heart, and he would never let anything warm it, as once it was set afire, everything could go up in flames.
Woahh this is such interesting character development!! :D I love Jai's questioning of himself and his final decision! However, I was a bit confused as to why Jai accepted being back at the castle so quickly. I know this is a short story and there's not much room to draw it out, but since the conflict earlier in the story is about Jai running from the palace, it's a bit strange that he would be okay with ruling.
Maybe indent before “He swore that he would never love again” to set apart his resolution from his initial actions. Also, your final sentence seems a bit long, though the concept is great! Maybe “He would rule with a stone-cold heart. He would never let anything warm it, since once it was set afire, everything could go up in flames.” Or “He would rule with a stone-cold heart, and he would never let anything warm it. Once it was set afire, everything could go up in flames.”


WOW this was such a great story, CJ! I loved your characters, and it was awesome how much description of them you were able to fit in here! It was also great that you used the attributions in your dialogue to give further information about them(I know it's a really strange thing to point out, but I always love when people do that xDD)! The awkward flirting in the beginning and the comfort Jai begins to have with Fox were both so good, too! You're really good with characters :DD /gen
There were just a few places where I felt like some additional information could be added, which I pointed out above, but another thing was the setting. I always had a sense of where the characters were, but the story could go just a bit more in depth about what the place looked like and how many people were around (such as mentioning the chatter in the pub, or having Jai bump into some people in the square as he looks for Fox). The fantasy world you created in this was really great, however, and it definitely feels like it has a life beyond this short story!!
You did an amazing job with the plot!! Though there were a couple of places where I feel like things could be stretched out, you did great overall with pacing! There were parts where I was literally speed-writing my thoughts so that I could move on to the next paragraph and see what happened, and others where I wanted to linger for longer at the beginnings of Jai and Fox's relationship. This story definitely feels like it could be expanded into something bigger—I'd love to read a longer story (or possible future novel??? :0) with these characters! /gen
Great job!!! <333

dysfunction

1995 words

Ilysian is perfect.
That’s what they all say.
A beautiful city. The fact that it’s all completely grey doesn’t matter. Grey houses snag against the grey-tinged sky, row after row, all coming together in a jagged spiral around the one building bigger than all the others.
They call it the Paragon. Prized, iconic. The very model of what the beating heart of a perfect city should be. All sharp metal and hard edges, but the people called it beautiful. In their eyes, maybe it was.

The sun was slowly dragging itself up the sky, its murky glow spilling over the dark streets. A line wove its way between the buildings, stretching from the very edges of the city all the way to the Paragon in the centre. The Untainteds were on their way to be Purified.
The line did not jostle. No-one pushed, or shoved, or tried to get to the front. A perfect line, really. A perfect line for all the perfect people standing in it, perfect plastic smiles plastered all over their perfect grey-hued faces. They would stand, they would smile, the perfect silence leaking from the air and puddling at their feet, creeping up their throats until even if they wanted to, they couldn’t speak. You can’t disrupt perfection, after all.
They would enter the Paragon. One by one or two by two. They would be stamped with their Mark, vaguely humanoid machines sending them inside without a sound, their clunky metal limbs unmoving, cold metal eyes unseeing. And then the Untainteds would come out again, a dazed look in their eye, the faint trace of a Mark scarred on their features, perfect synthetic smiles dripping down their faces. And with skin stained an even more washed-out shade of grey than it was before, with memories full of holes and minds full of lies, they would go back to their houses and wait. Surrounded by perfection. Staring and smiling and making small talk until the sun couldn’t hold on any longer and in perfect grey moonlight, they would line up and do it all over again. The circle of life.
The Exemplaries would watch over it all. Smiling, nodding. Telling themselves they’ve done such a good job.
After all, if there is nothing at all, there can’t be any imperfection.
Can there?

-

“Mummy?”
“Yes, darling?”
“I think you made me wrong.”
The house was murky and dim, a steady stream of bleak light adorning the walls. A child stood inside, with his mother and his father. They were watching the sun in the sky. A beautiful greyscale sight.
“Excuse me, sweetheart?”
The child’s mother looked resigned, tired. She was weary of her son saying things like this. She was supposed to live in perfection; she didn’t want a problem child.
“I’m not like the other kids.” The child declared. “I see them standing in line every morning and every night. They’re like you. But I’m not.”
“Darling, we are all Untainteds. All pure. Others aren’t privileged like us, so you should be grateful.” His mother sighed. “Have some lunch.”
“That’s all we do here!” The child grumped. “Lunch, line, Purify. Why don’t we do anything else?”
“Because our life is perfect,” The child’s father smiled. “And we can’t have imperfection, can we? I like our life just the way it is.”
It was the child’s turn to sigh. To look at the ground.
“Daddy? What if I’m imperfect?”
“No-one is imperfect.” The child’s parents reassured him. “You’re just like all the others.”
“What if I don’t want that?”
The child’s mother looked into his grey, grey eyes.“Don’t say things like that, sweetie. Look what we have. A house, good food. The Paragon, where we are Purified. Can’t you see?
Everything is perfect here.”

The child’s parents watched. They kept a smile on their face, sticking it on piece-by-piece, carefully peeling off anything they deemed ‘imperfect.’ They watched their child, sitting still and stiff, glaring into the sky.
He must be having so much fun, they thought. I don’t remember when I was his age. But it doesn’t matter. What is the use for memories when you can live in the moment, in a perfect world like Ilysian?
They didn’t know how to live any other way. They were too scared to lose what they thought was perfection. It was much easier to believe the syrupy-sweet lies poured down their throat, and keep smiling, knowing that everything was perfect and they couldn’t have it any better. The Exemplaries had done so much for them. Taken all conflict, all pain, all suffering from their city and made it beautiful.
And the longer they thought this, the more colours leaked out of the world, until slowly they forgot that there were any colours at all.
They thought their child was speaking gibberish when he talked about the blue sky, ‘the sky that's usually blue but not here.’ They would laugh at his antics before looking into their own grey sky, telling themselves life was perfect, how it was always meant to be.

-

The child grew up, into a teenager. Living in a perfect world filled with perfect people.
But he was different. A blemish in his perfect society. He had been told to fit in ever since he was born, looking to the grey sky and wondering why it wasn’t blue anymore, wondering where the colours had gone and wondering why no-one remembered them apart from him.
He was the Dysfunction.
He was old enough to know now. Old enough to know the Exemplaries were wrong, to know what really happened inside the Paragon. Well, what really happened to everyone else. He was too imperfect for Purification.
He liked to think there had been other Dysfunctions like him, once. And, in part, he was right. But all the others had slowly died out - their traitorous species crushed beneath the greyscale heel of perfection. And he would be the last of them, the Exemplaries were sure. He was a candle, a danger to be fizzled out. His rebellion needed to be thrown to the wind, ashes scattered on the breeze, where no-one could find any trace of imperfection.
Ilysian’s creators watched, they waited. They knew he would give in soon enough. Exemplaries are never wrong.
So, like vultures, they hovered above. Ready to swoop in for the kill.

A greyscale sky. The Dysfunction glared out the window, his parents behind him. Smiling like always.
He had learned not to ask questions of them. They were trying their hardest, they really were. They were so sure they had made the right choice for their son when they moved to Ilysian, and he couldn’t bear to tell them they were wrong.
“A perfect day, isn’t it?” A voice asked, its pitch-perfect claws scraping down the clouded window.
“A perfect day for a perfect city,” The Dysfunction’s parents responded, cheerfulness leaking out of their words.
“And perfect people!” The little girl in the window chirped back, a willing servant to the Exemplaries’ lies.
The Dysfunction looked away. He had spent too long trying to tell himself he was like the others. Trying to force himself to be Pure.
I’m perfect I’mperfect I’mperfectImperfectimperfectimperfect –
imperfect.
He was imperfect, and he couldn’t fight it.
Even though he wanted to. Even though he tried.
And the Exemplaries had heard his pleas, and let him suffer. For 16 years. He was sick of it.
But what could he do, alone? He was a teenger, and they were Ageless.
And would help him? Who would want anything else apart from perfection and purity and paradise?

A drop of rain fell from the grey sky, landing in the little girl by the window’s hands.
“Yuck.” She said. “Imperfection.”
And she skipped away, the raindrop falling from her fingers, falling all the way to the ground.

-

A teenager, now all grown up. He had his own house, where he lived alone. He kept in contact with his parents, him being nice to them and them being nice to him, but still neither understanding the other. To the Exemplaries, it seemed he had finally forgotten the forbidden colours. Seemed like their world was once again perfect.
But of course, they were wrong.
The Dysfunction was planning his escape.
Scribbled-on papers littered the table and all over the floor, maps drawn in the darkest hours of night, hastily-written schemes like half-constructed wings he needed to fly, fly out of the place he had been trapped in for 27 years. And tonight. Tonight was the night it would all come together.
He could barely sleep the day before, sick of all this waiting. He had been waiting for too long. And on he waited, his bag packed, his curtains tightly drawn, trying to listen for the sound of feet finding their way to the back of the line.
And finally, it was time.

Like a shadow, like a whisper, he slipped out of his house, his eyes fixated on the seemingly never-ending line twisting away from him as he prowled backwards, hidden beneath darkness cast by buildings brushing the sky. Counting the seconds until he was out of sight, he broke into a run, sprinting for the wall looming above his head.
One two three fourfivesixsevenEIGHTNINETENELEVENTWELVETHRITEEN-
He was so close.
What a shame he couldn’t make it.

Above him, the vultures were circling. Moving in for the kill.
The Exemplaries. Running to the city’s edge, ready for him, stumbling and falling through their trapdoor, falling into the walls, THEY’RE IN THE WALLS; teeth bared, eyes narrowed, listening for the sound of footsteps, closer, closer-
fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeeneighteennineteentwentyTWENTYONETWENTYTWO-
Pacing, pacing the walls, waiting for him, predators and prey-
TWENTYTHREETWENTYFOURTWENTYFIVE-
The slamming of footsteps, rushed breathing, they had found him, they had him-

The Dysfunction flinched backwards - howdidtheyfindme - and stumbled back the way he had came, except they were coming, coming closer, tearing themselves out of the walls, grabbing him with cold, cold fingers - whatwilltheydotome - and suddenly the world cracked open and it all turned to black-

you’re safe now.
I’m not, I know who you are-
don’t worry
we won’t hurt you
You can’t Purify me, it doesn’t work-
every soul can be broken
yours too
I don’t want-
quiet
we will make you pure
there is nothing to fear
nothing to lose
we will take your broken pieces
and we will make you whole.
I’ll resist you-
I’m imperfect! Don’t you see?
imperfectimperfectimperfectImperfectI’mperfect–
I’m perfect.
that's right. you’re perfect.
see?
everything is perfect here.

And pinned under the greyscale heel of perfection… he finally shattered.
Released from the cold, cold fingers of the Exemplaries, the Functional fell to the floor, a dazed look in his eye, a perfect plastic smile dripping down his face, as if he had finally found peace.
The Exemplaries smiled. They nodded. Told themselves what a good job they had done.
Another candle burned out.
Dysfunctionals cut out of their society for good. The Exemplaries were so close.
But what a shame they couldn’t make it.
The Dysfunction sprang up, his perfect mask long gone, and pushing past cold, cold hands trying to grab him back but they couldn’t reach, and he ran. He ran for his life.
“I AM PERFECT!” He screamed, tearing down the wall, climbing up, up, up, over- “I AM PERFECT BECAUSE I AM IMPERFECT! PERFECTION DOESN’T EXIST NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY I AM NOT PERFECT BUT BECAUSE OF THAT I AM SO, SO PERFECT!”
And as the Exemplaries fell to the ground-
As the Paragon shuddered and cracked-
As the Dysfunction tumbled down onto the other side of the wall-
-colour flooded back into the world. The whole spectrum rained onto the landscape, bright and beautiful and so stunning it was almost impossible to look at. Scarred and imperfect, but still filled with a blinding wonder. And as the Dysfunction stood, the greyscale city far behind him, he finally saw the blue sky.
And it was perfect.

fin.

Author’s Note
Ayyy I actually really like this! I could’ve done a lot more editing but shhh we don’t talk about that
There’s actually not much to say here…heh
Thanks for reading, then <3
Also a special thanks to @Cherrie_Tree and my english teacher for their wonderful critique
Myth ftw :>

TRIGGER WARNING: THIS STORY HAS SOME DARK THEMES, SO DON’T READ IF YOU AREN’T COMFORTABLE WITH DE@TH, BLO0D, ETC.

/Knock, knock./
Janice raps softly at my door. “Can I come in?” she asks. She knows I don’t want her to, but she pushes open the door anyways. Janice always does things like that.

She takes one look at me and rushes over to hug me. I can see her eyes have turned glassy.

She holds me tight, tears streaming down both of our faces. “It’s alright,” she says. “We’ll be alright.”

But it won’t. Nothing can be the same again, no matter how much she wants it to be.
“But it’s my fault!” I burst, my chest heaving. “All of this is because of me!” I sob. If it weren’t for me, she’d still be alive. Janice wouldn’t be weeping - /I/ wouldn’t be weeping. We’d be a happy family.
“It was the monster that took her from us, not you,” Janice whispers softly in my ear. I shudder as she says that word. Monster.

Its clawed hands tear through my mind, its yellow eyes blinding me. Yesterday plays through my mind again and again. The stench of rotted meat it brought with it. Its faintly yellowing fangs dripping with crimson blo0d … mother’s blo0d.

Her petrified face appears in my mind, and I let out a startled cry. /No. Please, no!/

Her scream pierces my ears and I let out a low moan. Snakes slither in the pits of my stomach, biting me with their venom. What will the rest of the world think? My friends have no idea what happened at 2:11 PM yesterday. Everyone thought that the beast was a myth.
Janice’s panicked face startles me out of my nightmare. She puts her hand to my cheek.

“Ssh, it’s okay,” she says, but I can still see that heartbroken look in her purple eyes. I feel a rush of hatred surge through me - how could the monster have done this? How could it take the one thing we loved more than anything else away from us?
“NO, IT’S NOT!” I shout. “IT ISN’T OKAY, AND IT NEVER WILL BE!”
“Jamie!” she says, her tone stronger. “We lost mother. I - I don’t want to lose you.” she stutters, her voice cracking.
“IT’S MY FAULT!” I shout again. I don’t care what Janice thinks. I don’t care what anyone thinks.

She was trying to protect me. If I had been anywhere else in the world that day, she would still be alive. Janice wouldn’t be crying. I know there’s no point trying to change the past, but yesterday still hurts like a dagger to my chest. Janice opens her mouth, but no words come out.

Instead, a song does.

/“Sleep tight
It’ll be alright
When the morning comes you’ll smile
Forget your woes
My little child

Just sleep.”/

Her sweet, clear voice sends warmth through my veins until my arms tingle. I try to stay awake, but find myself

Slowly…

Falling…

Asleep…

A blanket of darkness covers me, and panic washes over me. I wake up with a start. Next to where I was lying, Janice is snoring gently. I laugh slightly. Maybe - just maybe - I’ll be alright.

gone // writing comp entry // 1108 words

“Clover! It's time, don't move - there's no point in running… please, just remember…”

* * *

Annabella sat on the edge of her mama's bed, unable to hold in her tears. Her mama, Natalie, was getting sicker by the hour. As Bella held her mama's pale hand, the maid, Ida, gently put an ice pack over her head. Natalie flopped lifelessly onto the pillow, showing no signs of consciousness. Her red hair was spread out across the pillow. Every few seconds she took a shallow breath. For Bella, this was just too much.

“Why? Why isn't she getting better?” Bella cried, unable to accept the fact that her mama had been in this state for over a week.

“Shhh, Bel, I'm sure it'll be fine soon,” Ida whispered anxiously as she sat down next to her. Sometimes to Bella, Ida felt more like a sister than a maid.

“And papa? Why isn't he here?”

Ida didn't answer. She knew that the explanation would upset her.

“You should go now,” Ida said quietly, rising from her chair. Bella sighed unhappily, standing up slowly and shakily and Ida held the door open for her. “Don't worry, I'll take care of her.”

The door closed behind her. Bella immediately went to her room, planning to take a nap and cry a bit more, only to find her older brother, Benicio, smirking while sitting on her bed. He glared at her with steel-hard cold eyes.

“Ben? What are you doing here?” Bella scowled, wiping at her tear-stained cheek. Her relationship with Ben was… unpleasant.

“Went to see mother again?” he said with no hint of emotion other than ignorance on his face.

“Y-yes…” she slowly replied. “Why don't you go to see her?” she blurted.

Ben sighed. “It's no use, she obviously won't pull through. Plus, I'm not that interested in dying people anyway.”

Ben had said that many times before, but the knives of pain and sorrow still hit her brutally, opening a new fresh wound.

“Get out. I'm going to sleep,” she announced.

Surprisingly, Ben walked out without hesitation, insults and picking a fight. Bella climbed into bed, too tired and grieved to change. Despite the situation she was in, Bella dozed off quickly without a fight.

* * *

“Bella! Wake up! Your mother wants to see you!” a joyful, yet melancholy voice cut through her sleep.

“What?”

“Your mother's awake.”

A few minutes later, Bella was rushing over to her mama's sick room, feeling grateful for the miracle. What she didn't know yet was the state Natalie was in.

“Mama!” Bella screamed the moment the door opened. She flung herself onto her chair, her smile stretching to the tips of her eyes. It rapidly faded as she examined the state of her mother.

Her skin was still pale. Her breathing was mismatched. Her violet-brown eyes looked like they were searching through a million things at once. Her arms looked weak, and she could barely move.

“Mama?” Bella tried again, quietly this time.

“My darling Bel,” her mama said between her heaving coughs. “My time has come.”

“No! Don't speak like that!”

“Sorry, Bella. But she's right.” Ida's uncertain voice said. Her eyes were closed and she was standing awkwardly with her hand on the wall. Her face was beaded with sweat like she'd been running a marathon.

“I have one last thing to say, my Bel,” Natalie said, tracing her shaking finger in circles across Bella's chest. “You know my jewellery box?”

“Yes, mama,” Bella replied earnestly but sadly. “It's in your room on the bedside table.”

“Ah, yes, very good, Bel,” her mother nodded. “Could you bring it to me?”

“Of course.”

Bella flew up and down the long, empty hallways of the mansion. Her mama's room was on the far west, which took quite some time to get to. At last, she returned with the box, breathlessly panting and she handed it over to her. Natalie didn't say anything as she took the small, but quite a heavy box from Bella's hands. Her weak fingers prised the box open. As it unlocked, the box started playing a soft and dainty tune. Bella's spirits slowly lifted. A music box. When the music finally stopped, she peered inside and was astonished to see, not many jewels, but one small clear crystal that hung from a strong piece of velvet string. As the crystal hit the light, it sparkled a million times in all different directions, creating a rainbow glow.

“Wow,” Bella breathed. She had never seen her mother wear it before.

“This is the Niviarsiaq Quartz. It's a family heirloom passed on from generation to generation. It's priceless and rare. It did many people well. It did me well. Now it is yours, and it will do you well.” Natalie said between gasping air. She coughed violently before delicately taking the necklace out of its box and handing it to Bella.

“Please mama, don't speak like this. You're going to get well again, I promise…”

Her eyes were a million miles away. She sighed.

“You can trust Ida with your life, Annabella. Be careful. I can't be revived now. I'm sorry. I wish I could be here to see you grow up. But I'll always be here in your soul…”

Bella stiffened. This was one of the first times she had heard her mother use her full name. She started sobbing.

“Mama - please!”

Natalie didn't reply.

Her howls kept continuing. Bella sank to the ground, the crystal still in her hand. She rocked herself like a baby, crying.

“She's gone, Bel.” A soft voice said to her. Bella looked up just in time to see Ida raise a white sheet above her head and lay it on her mama. A sign of death in her town.

“No,” Bella said. Her voice creaked and she ran out of the room slipping the crystal into her pocket to make sure it didn't fall out.

“Bel - come back!” came the cries of Ida behind her.

She didn't stop. She ran to her room, locking the door and throwing herself onto her soft bed. Failing to calm down, Bella sat up and went over to her dressing table, ignoring her horrible reflection. Her gut told her to put the necklace on.

Slowly, but surely, she moved her trembling hands down to her pocket to dig out the necklace. Hesitating, she pulled it out and gradually slipped it around her neck. Bella gazed at her reflection. Suddenly she was taken over. Blackness overwhelmed her as she dropped into a trance, and she slipped down, down, down.

* * *

“Clover! It's time, don't move - there's no point in running… please, just remember…”

Critique please!! This part of my story just doesn’t feel right :,)

“Sunpaw! Spikepaw! Cedarpaw! Silverpaw! Fogpaw!”
Silverpaw couldn’t help but grin at the sound of her Clanmates calling out her new name. The small she-cat looked at the ground with a blush, shuffling her paws and feeling Fogpaw happily nudge her shoulder.
And then it was over. The cheers died down and the Clan was dismissed, back to their duties and dens. Tuftedfoot, Crescentpool, Ravenbelly, Couragecry, and Jumpingbrook all stood before their new apprentices, some with awkward smiles, some with serious scowls. Silverpaw looked up expectantly at Couragecry, the Deputy. Only, it wasn’t them that spoke first. Instead, it was Jumpingbrook, Fogpaw’s mentor.
“I’m assuming you all would like to see the territory together?”
It didn’t take long for the mentors to realize that that hadn’t been a very good idea.
The other apprentices couldn’t seem to keep their mouths shut as they gleefully bounded through ShadowClan territory, eyes wide and grins plastered across their faces.
“I never realized how big the trees out here were.”
“Bet you can’t climb all the way to the top of that one.”
“I’d prove you wrong if we had more time.”
“Oh, yuck! Spikepaw, what is that?”
Silverpaw, meanwhile, tried to drown out their excited chattering to pay attention to what the Warriors were trying to teach them. She walked quietly at Couragecry’s side, gazing in awe at the new world surrounding her. The smell of pine was even stronger and more wonderful out here than it was in camp, and the sunlight cast hazy patches of light across the soft ground. The young she-cat closed her eyes and sighed happily, letting the green-leaf sun dance across her smiling face. It was just so peaceful out, especially since that cold front from a few days ago had moved on.
She opened her eyes just in time to avoid running into Couragecry’s haunches. The warriors had all halted in a perfect line, and the other newly made apprentices had fallen silent behind her. In front of them stood a large river, churning and falling over itself in its fervor to rush onwards. Silverpaw swallowed and took a step back, flicking her tail just as the pungent scent of dead fish washed over the large group.
“RiverClan territory.” Cedarpaw murmured beside her, gazing over the torrentuous waters with a spark of sadness in his forest eyes.
In front of them, Couragecry turned. “Yes, Cedarpaw, that’s right.” The large cat cleared their throat and casted their eyes to the side almost guiltily. Silverpaw could help but shoot a quick glance at Sunpaw and Spikepaw. “This is the RiverClan border. I..” They seemed to search for words for a moment, and Silverpaw lowered her head sadly, images of that day flashing in her mind. “I trust you all know how dangerous this river is. We aren’t on good terms with RiverClan, and we haven’t been for a while. They want our territory, and they won’t stop trying to get it. Now, let’s move on.”
Behind her, the other apprentices and mentors turned, solemnly padding back into the tree line. But, for a while, Silverpaw could only stand there, staring sadly at the river, her heart aching. The day flashed in her mind, the news coming to camp, the cries, the wails of anguish. She swallowed, feeling tears fill her eyes and pain claw at her heart. She had thought she had suffered enough in life, especially after her family, her home-
No. No. I won’t think about that here, not now. Silverpaw squeezed her eyes shut, letting a single tear leak its way down her face as she pushed away the pain in her heart.
“Silverpaw?”
Turning, she saw Fogpaw staring at her, gentle concern on his face as he looked back over one shoulder.
“Coming.” The she-cat whispered, voice trembling as she forced a fake smile, even while she was breaking on the inside. Swallowing, she bounded after her friend, letting the dark undergrowth engulf her and leaving the shining river behind.

Once in a Blue Moon
Writing Comp Entry

Blue Moon City was not accustomed to new visitors.
To be more accurate, the citizens of the city were not used to visitors. The city itself was tolerating them just fine, though there was a moment where the visitors could have sworn the statue in central square was glaring at them.
There were three of them, which meant the usual unrest in the streets was tripled.
One was a grumpy old woman with hair as white as snow and warts on her unusually large nose. Her ragged cloak dragged on the ground, gathering dirt, She leaned on a gnarled cane as she walked and her face was a perpetual scowl.
Witch, the citizens whispered, slamming their doors shut.
They were right, of course
The second visitor was more of the type that used to frequent the city in better times. Dark, tall and handsome. A regal moustache the length and shape of a doorknob. He wore deep purple robes, marking him as privileged, and had a gold ring on each of his long, tapered fingers. But his eyes were cold as night and dark. Eyes that had seen multitudes, eyes that contained universes. Dangerous eyes. The citizens who dared look into them bolted backward and shut themselves in their houses. Despite his finery, he radiated an aura of menace.
Dangerous, the people said, ducking into their houses. Once again, they were right.
The third visitor was a little more strange. For one thing, no one noticed him. He could slink through the shadows, drawing few stares and no comment. The third visitor was not noticed, so it was almost like he was never there.
The third visitor was a cat. A black cat with green eyes and a taste for mystery. Which was why he padded along behind the strange pair, emerald eyes taking in everything in sight.
The cat’s name was Nigel.
And so far he was not impressed.
“Maggots!” the witch-woman shrieked, shaking her cane at a group of children who had not been as quick to flee as the adults, “filthy worms!” The children bolted, their tiny feet scattering the marbles they had been playing with.
If cats could sigh, Nigel would have. He had to settle for an exasperated meow.
“Come now, Cassandra.” said the man. His voice was deep and regal, “Do keep yourself under control.”
“They aggravate me.” the witch muttered.
“You terrify them.” Nigel corrected, not caring that they couldn’t understand him. Like all humans, they didn't think to pay attention to what cats had to say.
“Stay focused, my dear.” said the regal man.
“Shut your trap.”
The three visitors made their way through the winding streets. The hush was unsettling. Not a soul dared make a sound as they walked. With the exception of a few who stood frozen with fear, the citizens hastily cleared a path.
Nigel had seen worse welcomes.
Like most people, he wasn't entirely sure where he was going, simply following in the footsteps of his companions.
Unlike most people he disliked his destination at once.
The central square.
Nigel had to admit, it was impressive. The rest of the city was standard, and that was being polite. Grey building, cobblestone streets, gas lamps. A few mice. Nothing particularly different from the other places Nigel had seen in his travels.
But the square… that was breathtaking.
Moonlight flooded the area, turning the stone to silver. It had an old kind of beauty about it, the kind with cracks and vines and ancient stones.
Bordering the square were the shells of buildings. Nigel could tell it used to be a flourishing place for art and commerce in the city’s greater days.
It had a weathered, whispered shine. The subtle glow humans could not possibly detect. The glow of a thousand stories. Nigel could taste them in the cool night air.
This was clearly the beating heart of Blue Moon City.
Then there were the statues.
Dozens, maybe even hundreds. Scattered across the square, bathed in moonlight. Every one was intricately crafted, complete to the folds in their clothes.
As if the people that had once walked the ground here had taken root, petrified.
The visitors stopped to stare.
Yes, it was beautiful, so why did Nigel’s fur stand up on end? Why was his tail ramrod straight?
Why did he feel so terrified?
“Come, do your enchantment.”
Nigel realized with a jolt that the couple had already moved to the center of the square. How had he not noticed? Perhaps this whole plan was more dangerous than he thought.
The witch crouched in the center of the square pressing a hand on the ground.
“Hurry,” said the man, glancing around. Perhaps he sensed the danger too. Then again, he wasn’t a cat.
“Don’t rush me,” the witch snapped. She slammed her cane on the ground, sending a boom resonating through the square. Muttered something under her breath. Slammed it again.
This time Nigel felt it. The chill in the air. The stillness. The crawling feeling.
Signs of a dark spell.
“It is done.” She announced.
“What?” Nigel asked, “What is done?”
Of course, they didn’t respond. Humans never did. Other cats, generally, made better company.
The pair left the square.
Nigel stayed.
He padded over to the center of the square. Paused to sniff the stones.
Nothing, all traces of the spell were gone. There was nothing to do but wait until it came into effect.
Even with all his experience, Nigel knew nothing about breaking curses.
Then he felt it.
The feeling of eyes watching him.
Nigel whirled around, ears flat on his head and teeth bared. Ready to pounce, to fight, to run. But there was nothing there. Nothing but the statue.
Wait… had that statue been there before?
It was of a girl. Maybe nine years old or so, but dressed like someone much younger. She was holding a pot high above her head, giving the illusion of collecting moonlight. Her hair was in too braids, and her dress was covered in flowers. The very picture of innocence.
But she was staring at Nigel.
Nigel held her gaze long enough to notice that her eyes were golden-brown, and very much real.
She stared.
Nigel stared back.
She stared.
Nigel blinked.
In one flowing motion, the cat darted under her legs and bolted. Nigel scrambled up the wall in one powerful leap and took off over the rooftops. She didn’t move, but Nigel’s sharp ears could pick up her breathless gasp
Nigel ran and didn’t look back.
The girl disguised as a statue paused to dust off her skirt and put the pot on the ground. Then she took off in hot pursuit.
She did not appreciate people cursing her city.
Apparently, neither did the black cat with green eyes.

Author's note
(This is not part of the entry, just some boring stuff I wanted to say, feel free to ignore)
I entered this on a whim, deciding that I wanted the in-cabin points, and because why not? This is an excerpt of a larger story I was working on a while back, which I had a lot of fun with, but couldn't finish. It seems only fair that this little scene gets to see the light of day.
So yeah. I impulsively entered a random piece on the last day, and I haven't even edited it. Don't judge.

WEEKLY #3

Part 1 (Worldbuilding)

• Forest region -1
• Village area -2
• Hidden from human population -3
• Few types of magic strictly forbidden -4
• Main profession is potion-making -5
• The inhabitants are being hunted by humans
• Monarchy rule -6
• Violation of rules means execution
• Caste decides what kind of place you get to live in -7
• Pottery is also one of the major professions
• Hatred for humans
• Valleys for garnering magic
• A Wishing Well -8
• Smuggling of herbs and potions
• Children taught herb-making at age 4
• Don’t go against the monarchs for anything
• Dark magic is banned
• Source of magic is the energy from the valleys -9
• Discrimination is a usual practice
• Children are respected most of all -10


Connections:

Amartzia forest, a forest hidden to human eyes, is a forest ruled by a hateful queen and king. It is a truly magical sight, with fruitful plants everywhere, wells with water clear as crystal, beautiful valleys and hills. The smell of herbs and potions is all around. The only true path to a successful life is considered as potion making. A castle stands in the middle of the forest, ruled by the queen, who is hardly seen, and the king, who plans to take over the world.
These inhabitants, who were at war with humans very many years ago, now stay hidden in the safety of this forest, where all their past generations have thrived.
Despite the use of magic being highly appreciated in this forest, some types and abilities of magic are not allowed to be used. Those who possess them will be treated righteously, according to their age and caste.
As well as magic being important, so is caste. Families are given castes according to the contribution their ancestors made for the kingdom. Their caste decided where they should live and how many oppurtunities they should get. The lower castes hardly get any appreciation, despite how brilliant or talented they are.
The forest of Amartzia is a village area, where people live in simple houses and lead simple lives, growing in the very lap of nature. However, the only difference between a traditional human village and this forest village is the ruling style. While in most villages, there exists a democracy system, here, in the village of Amartzia, exists a monarchy system.
The most celebrated place in this forest-village is the Wishing Well, made by their very own ancestors. The water in this well is as clear as crystal. You just have to drop one of your very own potions or herbs and wish for something with full dedication heart. The only rule that prevents this well from being overused is the fact that only one wish is allowed a day.
The magic here can’t survive without the valleys. They are the source of magic, and the power which controls the magic. The rivers in the valleys hold a water which can replenish your magic and control an out-of-bounds magic.
It is truly so that this village is quite a hateful one, but children here are respected above all, because all the townspeople know and believe that respecting children will bring out the best in them.

Narrative

I sat sprawled across the wet grass, watching as the ladies made potions. It smelled just delicious. I couldn’t wait to try some of it.
Being a child and an upper caste, I was usually respected by everyone, and also because I had true magical talent. Ever since my second birthday, I have been a master in both potion-making and pottery, both being Amartzia’s major professions.
The lower castes were horribly treated, and I felt really sorry for them. I can’t imagine what would’ve happened to them if they had what I have.
Yes, it’s true.
I have dark magic.
I know what you’re thinking. A blessed girl like her? Dark magic?
But whatever it is, no one knows. I can’t afford to let anyone know. The monarchs would probably execute me, because dark magic is strictly banned here, and those who have it shall face the wrath of death. That’s why no one knew.
As well as dark magic, shape shifting is also not allowed, and you face the same consequences as dark magic. These rules are just so illogical. Everyone should be appreciated here, be it a user of dark magic or pure magic. However, the rules were fixed, and we could do nothing to change them.
This evening, I went to the valleys and the wishing well. I have started doing that a lot nowadays. In the valleys, staring at the beautiful crystal rivers, I cupped my hands, taking in a fantastic bit of the magical water. It felt just like heaven.
After I felt like my magic had been replenished, I went to the Wishing Well. It was a custom of our village to visit the Wishing Well every day, asking for good health and prosperity, or perhaps whatever you’d want. I walked across to it, feeling the brick walls underneath my fingers. Rummaging for a gold coin, I dropped it in the well. I could hear the waves ripple against each other as the coin fell in. I closed my eyes, trying to keep my heart to the thing I wanted to wish for. “I wish,” I murmured softly. “that all kinds of magic could get accepted.”
That was what I always wished for, because that’s all I really wanted. I had everything else.
Turning around, I started to walk back home. The streets were all very familiar. It felt just like home, and it was.

Part 2:
1. How is the magic in the world used in the character’s everyday lives? What are the different abilities?

The magic is the world is used in everyone’s lives as a source of profession. It gets the people through their everyday tasks and helps the witch world to grow forward. Despite Amartzia being a somewhat toxic community, the characters are skilled and use their skills for their growth and development. As of the main character, it is used as a way to develop new skills and grow and learn. My character uses dark magic, which is hidden from the community in which she lives.

2. What are the limitations of your world’s magic?

The characters are not allowed to use magic for selfish purposes, or they shall be executed in front of everyone in the court. The Wishing Well, as well, is only allowed to be used once a day. The replenishment of magic is also allowed only twice a day, so the characters are forced not to waste too much of their magic, or else they will be out of it soon. Other than developing new skills that help the community, the magic is not allowed.

3. What is the origin of your magic?

The magic of my world comes from the valleys that have been preserved in the forest of Amartzia. The water contained in their rivers hold a special power, a special potion, that blesses you with magical powers. The valley’s rivers are supposedly blessed by God himself. Long ago, when the war between humans and these creatures, who were unnamed at the time, a deal was made. The witches, as they had started to call themselves, would get their magic, but the humans would not be bothered with.

4. What happens when magic gets out of control in your world?

When magic gets out of control in my world, called Amartzia, the characters, mostly the upper castes, go to one of the three valleys and control their magic. The rivers in each of the valleys contain a magic that can either replenish the magical powers or control them when they get out of control. All it takes is a desire from your heart to awaken the river’s magic. One sip of its water will replenish or control the magic the way you like.

5. How common is magic, and are all characters aware they possess it?

In my world, magic is really common, and most of the villagers possess it. It is one of the many advantages of living in the forest. Magic is a given to all upper castes, and only some of the lower castes get to have it. These lower castes are the ones who have done something to please His Majesty. All characters are aware of the fact that they possess magic. Some signs indicating the presence of magic are:
-Intense power
-Strange happenings

6. How is magic viewed in your world (ie. as a boring normal, as a fascinating element of their life, or as a curse on society etc.)?

In my world, magic is seen as a necessity in everyone’s life. It is seen as a fascinating and life-changing part of their life. Magic is used to solve problems, protect oneself from danger, and helps in acquiring new skills and oppurtunities for a better life. Although, as my characters are very used to it, they sometimes find it boring and repetitive, despite the different abilities it offers. Despite finding it boring, they also believe that it is a topic worth exploring and there is still a lot to know about it.

7. What kind of magic is used in your world?

The kind of magic used in my world is pure magic, one without too many special abilities. Instead, the magic used in Amartzia provides only a brilliant skill set in pottery and potion-making. And, even if there are more abilities included, they are not used, because magic is only required for the main professions. The law of the village believes that anything else can be done without the use of magic.It uses the power of natural surroundings, such as the river water.

8. Does magic affect the government of your world? If so, how?

The government of my world is based mostly on the magical power my world contains. As magic is a crucial part of everyone’s life, their needs to be a government to handle the misusage of magic and establish laws for the usage of magic. So, the King and Queen of the village are based solely on the usage and misusage of the magic gifted to the Amartzia citizens, how and when to use it, and what kinds of magic are not allowed.

9. What are the laws of your world, specifically about magic? Punishments?


Regarding magic, there are many laws in my world, most of them actually. Although most kinds of magic are allowed, some are not, such as dark magic and shapeshifting. Using magic for selfish purposes adds to your list of crimes, and when the crimes reach a very high number, you are to be jailed. The only things the people can do with magic are potion making and pottery, as well as other things that lead to the development of Amartzia.

10. What are some noteworthy examples of problems (in your world) that characters solved with magic?

There are some problems solved in my world with magic. Such as the explosion incident, where the potion laboratory of Amartzia had exploded due to unknown reasons, and it was stopped by magic. Other than that, the execution of the framed lower castes was also stopped with magic, although the incident was added in the stopper’s list of crimes. There was also the rain that ruined the cart that was to ship the potions made, and that was also solved with magic.





Part 3:

Urban Fantasy:
I looked around, keeping my eye on for any thugs. There had been a lot of kidnapping cases in this area. I shuddered at the thought.
Just as I was exiting the area, I heard a noise, the sound of something breaking. I turned around, frightened. What I saw really surprised me. A vase was lying on the ground, right at the place where I had just walked. I took a step backwards, but me curiousity got the best of me.
I knew I was going to get late for school, but whatever. As the teachers said, “You must feed your curiousity”. I inched towards the vase, when I heard someone calling me.
“Tracy? What are you doing?” It was my friend, Jackson. He had a perplexed look on his face, as if I had gone crazy.
“Do you remember?” said I, recollecting past memories. “When we weren’t here…we were—”
Jackson shook his head. “I don’t want to remember. Just tell me what you’re trying to do here, Reina.” Reina was my other name.
So he did remember. “Ah, yes, but do you remember this vase?”
He shook his head. “I just said I don’t want to! Foolish girl, we must get to school!”
I shook my head too. “Oh, Jack. How could you? How could you forget? It was your birthplace!”
“You know what they did!” He grunted, as if trying to hold his anger. “I hate them all! They- They left us out here—”
I put a finger on his lips. “Remember the good times.” I said softly.
He groaned. “Fine, then. See the vase and let us go.”
“I want you to see it too. You go first.” I said brightly.
He hesitated, but as soon as he touched the vase, he transformed. And then he vanished.

Dystopian Fantasy:

Maria had lived all her life in an island that was submerged under the sea. For the humans, that is, but truly, it was just like any place on Earth. It was not surrounded by water, as the humans had always believed.
Due to lack of development in the island, most citizens had to go without food and water for days. Most of them were not able to get the basic necessities required for a healthy life.
Maria was one of them. Growing up in a world where poverty was everywhere, she had learned how to survive the problems that hurled themselves at her. She had learned to figh back.
Once on a very usual morning, Maria was walking around. Her curious side got the best of her, and she went towards the forest. After walking for a little while, she realised she was lost. To her great horror, she saw an odd-looking void. Her heart almost skipped a beat, but she remained courageous and went towards it. As soon as she went through it, she felt as if she couldn’t breathe. She was truly astonished at the sight around her.Water! She had never seen so much water in her entire life.
But, she could hardly breathe, and tried to swim upwards, hoping to find herself in a water body that had hidden itself in the forest for such a long while.
Despite her struggle, she finally reached the shore. However, to her great surprise, she wasn’t on her home island anymore! Where was she then? Walking around a little bit, she encountered a person wearing rags similar to her own.
“Who are you?” She asked, in her own language, but oddly the person understood her.
“Are you from the island below this water body?” The person asked her. Maria nodded.
“Then you must know the fate that awaits you. You can’t go back home.”


Hidden World Fantasy

Morrison, a young boy of perhaps ten, lived in the posh city of London. He was a proper but awfully curious explorer. Despite his parents’ attempts to make him the perfect boy, his exploring side never left him. He lived in a large mansion and was part of one of the most respected families of London. His sight was so beautiful that he became an instant popular in any school he went.
Even despite his popularity and beauty, he never took pride. Most people would think his hobbies were prim and proper, and most people did think that, but that was not so. He liked to search for hidden things.
And one day, while in his attic, he found a small box, embedded with diamonds. The box was sealed so tight that no one was able to open it.
That night, he went to sleep wondering of ways on how to open the box. As soon as it struck midnight, the box opened itself, and the blinding white light it produced woke Morrison up. He rubbed his eyes, trying to find the source of the light. As soon as he realised that it was the box that was producing the light, he perked up with excitement. As soon as looked in the box, a strong force pulled him inside.
At once, he realised that his surroundings had changed. He walked around, not able to understand what was going on. As he was walking, he bumped into a small girl. The girl’s jaw dropped open, and her eyes grew wide. She started shouting immediately, grabbing Morrison’s hand and dragging him to a house bigger than the others. “Mistress!” She shouted. “We found the Only One!”
A lady in her early thirties rushed out. “The Only One!” She screamed, brightening up immediately. “You are probably wondering where you are,” She said, looking at Morrison. “You must know that you are the only one who can see this world; the only human child, that is. You shall stay with us. It is our pleasure to welcome you here. We all are glad to have you here with us, are we not, Elena?”
Elena nodded. “I am honored to have you here with us, master.”

434 words for Rea <33

Rea. Oh my goodness. This poem is incredible and beautiful, I love it so much. Each line, it just got more and more amazing. And I mean that, I am literally amazed. I really love the connection between ‘realize’ ‘real eyes’ and ‘realize’ it's so creative and poignant I'd probably describe it as genius. Usually when I critique poems I add a reminder that lines significantly or noticeably shorter or longer than the average across the poem often come across as being important or stressed, but you seem to have the perfect balance and there's no line that should be stressed and isn't, or shouldn't be stressed and is. This, frankly, is a masterpiece. I did however notice that there may have been a few typos in the poem. You mention in the second line that the light of the starts is becoming dimmer, when it seems that the word ‘stars’ is what belongs there. Then the third line in the third stanza seems to have a grammatical error. This could be just a stylistic choice, in which case, or even if that's not the case but you like the idea of it, by all means, go ahead and leave it. If not, I'd suggest changing it to either ‘tears trickle down’ or ‘a tear trickles down’. Other than that, I see no potential problems in the writing. Also, may I say your use of vocabulary is impeccable? There's a good number of words that are either specific, poetic, or both, but not so many that the work becomes a confusing jumble that someone would need a dictionary to get through, so fantastic job on that! I also love the rhyme scheme, or I suppose, the lack of one. Words are rhyming, but with no easily identifiable pattern to them, which really adds an extra layer to the emotion and metaphor of the poem. The balance between description of the narrator's surroundings and inner dialogue about their thoughts and feelings is, again, really well done. As far as inner dialogue, I especially love the repeated phrase ‘I do not know.’ Saying it twice really showcases the narrator's confusion. If I were you, I would consider changing the line ‘who I despise’ to ‘who it is I despise’ or something similar, but that's entirely up to you. Overall, I love everything here so much that it's been a serious struggle for me to stretch this to four hundred words of critique, because there's almost nothing to critique about it. Good job! If you haven't already, I would highly suggest entering this in the writing competition.

Critique for @yishujia

Sweet dreams to all the people of the earth
May no nightmares haunt your sleep tonight
May your sleep be restful and of regenerating worth…

I bolt up in bed, drenched in sweat, having just been rudely awakened by a callous, hoarse cackle.

I would personally recommend rephrasing or reordering the second part a bit with a phrase that can add more to the creepy mood and tone! Such as, “a callous, hoarse cackle abruptly awakening me from my dreams.”

My breath comes in short, choked gasps. I try to calm my nerves by obsessively using both hands to rake my hair back, which has been glued to my damp forehead with sweat.

Here, another personal preference of style but I myself would change this to “My breaths come in short, strained gasps as I struggle to breathe, panic filling my brain as I cough, choking as cold air flows into my lungs. Obsessive attempts to rake my hair back, glued to my damp forehead with sweat, do nothing to calm my nerves and just make me more agitated instead.”

It's okay it's okay it's just a dream- just a stupid lullaby- it can't hurt you, can't hurt you- can it? no no no it can't- worry, stop worrying-

Again personal preference- but I recommend adding some more emotional description rather than action. I think that you can replace thoughts, or just cut them out completely because (with all due respect) I don’t think it does much to either push the plot forward, or establish character personality or provide exposition or setting. What I would do here instead, “Doubt and consternation overwhelmingly flow into my mind as I press my hands on my temples, my head throbbing from the downpour of fear and alarm.”

I bite down hard on my lip to stop the flood of familiar thoughts that usually come after my nightmares. I absently shift my tongue over the raw part of my lip. I taste blood. Tears prick the corners of my eyes-
stupid stupid- weak- you're weak, stop crying- why are you crying?

I feel like there’s too much of the same sentence structure here in which it’s all like I _____- I bite, I absently shift, I taste, etc. I would change the first sentence structure to “Familiar thoughts flood my brain, the ones I have endured only too many times in the past, every time because of the same heart-shattering nightmare. The taste of blood lands on my tongue as I absently shift it over the raw part of my lip, still stinging with pain. Before I know it, tears prick the corners of my eyes and I force them back, berating myself for being so weak and vulnerable.”

“Stop it!" I cry out in despair. My fingers, which have still been repeatedly brushing my hair back, stop in place and clench onto my scalp with a painful grip. I stare fearfully into the complete darkness.

A simile or metaphor to replace ‘the complete darkness’ would sound more (how do I say this?) advanced. An action to show how ‘fearfully’ you stare (which could be replaced with ‘gaze’ asw) would be better than just the word ‘fearfully’ too!

I hardly even notice that I had spoken out loud- and right now, I honestly could care less.

My blankets are twisted around my legs. I untangle myself and stumble through the dark bedroom to the bathroom. I switch the light on and close my eyes for a second to let them adjust to the abrupt contrast in lighting. I open my eyes and am face to face with the mirror. As usual, I look like a crazy mad woman with my under-eyes dark from lack of sleep, and my hair now a rake-ish mess thanks to my nervous, twitchy habits. Lovely. I find myself aggressively washing my face with ice cold water from the tap, trying to wake myself up. Salty tears mix in with the cool water running down my face.

There aren’t a lot of problems here- it’s overall very good- but I would recommend varying your sentence lengths by combining some sentences when they could <3 The problem with the same sentence structure appears here again- maybe try reordering some words around so it sounds more coherent

Wake up wake up wake up- I can hear the desperate side of my mind begging daybreak to arrive.

Please just be morning already! It's easier to bear in the light. Please, please…
I take a deep breath and try to calm my scrambled mind.

Again, personal preference but I think using actions through omniscient/narrator pov rather than first would help sound more coherent. Also, might just be myself but I see no connection between ‘wake up’ and ‘daybreak to arrive’?

I love the sunrises. The beautiful colors breaking through the darkness, painting the sky with bright strokes of pink and orange and yellow. I love it when the sun peeps up over the horizon, a warm, cheery ball of fire that touches everything that reaches out to it. The sun's presence tells me that I've survived another night and that I will have rest for a few more hours.

It’d be cool to add some exposition or backstory here, replacing it with ‘I love the sunrises’

I hate the sunsets. They mean that the sun is leaving me, abandoning me to the shadowy arms of darkness. As the sun is pulled behind the horizon by invisible strings, the sky mourns with blood red stripes and the yellow and pink follows after it reluctantly.

I love the way you used parallelism here, but they may sound a bit repetitive. I also think you could replace the first sentence or just omit it completely and add a bit of context in the second.

And the night. That horrid darkness- those voices that- you're not supposed to be thinking terrifying, sad thoughts! Think happy thoughts.

Who is the narrator addressing? Also, this way of speech may seem a bit unrealistic; it’d be great to expand on your hatred and loathing of the night and darkness.

What makes you happy. What makes me happy, what makes me happy…?

If this is the ending, I feel like this isn’t the best ending as it doesn’t make it sound like a finish. Instead, a sentence like, “But even as I search through my deepest memories for a hint of happiness, a ray of sun that could add just a small glow to the darkness, there is nothing and I am still lost in the pitch black, my eyes still obscured, left with nowhere to go.” Even if this isn’t the ending, I feel like a metaphor could make it sound cooler!!

Licensed Exile– for critique
I don’t realize until it stands in front of me that I’m heading for the Gateway.
My daily rounds of the city hardly ever take me back here, but it does fit with my objectives. Look busy. Look normal. Look like all you want is to get out of the city—out of Latch. Just like everyone else.
The heavy corners of the Gateway building jut out near the top of the city wall, ten stories overhead. Lavender neon light from wall-mounted lamps plays off its charcoal sheen. I lean against the stones and pretend to watch the waiting cluster of people by the doors. Just a few of them today—probably hoping to be the first ones there when Latch’s minimum population gets lowered again.
Maybe they don’t have long to wait. Maybe the screens above the Gateway’s outer doors will flash violet as they watch. Maybe the polished steel slabs will swing aside and this group will rush in, the younger ones half-collapsed against their guardians, as the word gets out and a crowd builds behind them. Maybe they’ll stumble past the long desk, give the Gatekeepers their names and ages, and watch as a clattering jet-black heap of valves and levers spits out a single card for each of them. Maybe the outer doors will spread wide and these people will breathe the earth-scented possibility that exists outside Latch. Maybe their steps will no longer be shadowed by buildings with uncountable empty stories and so-called miracle technologies cheaper than fresh water.
Maybe the Gatekeepers still don’t dream they might have to keep new Exiles from sneaking back in.
Snapshots of my own Exiling shine in my head as I turn away and slip through streets of hazy purple shadows. If those people by the Gateway do get out, they’ll stand in the sunlight on the other side and run fingers over their new Exile licenses like the little card scraps are made of dream dust. Just like my group—too ecstatic to notice a member missing.
My own license sits beneath the tongue of my crumbling sneaker. Permission to be invisible, a stranger, no one but a ghost in this fading city.
The street ahead of me widens into a market, its wide square letting in a little more evening light from above. Strings of bruise-colored lanterns twist through silver shade and fill the remaining demand. The air teems with metal tang and hoarse shouts; narrow stalls form a cluttered maze.
I shut out the neon signs and the desperate pleas of the shopkeepers. I don’t have money, anyway, and years ago all of Latch discovered that the gadgets they produce so well—once luxuries—won’t do a thing to help a person really survive.
My supplies are hidden a few streets down from here. I turn towards another dark passage, glancing back to confirm my tail is clear.
“You—stop!”
I let out a hiss at the sight of a guard uniform approaching me. Its bearer can’t be out of training yet—he looks hardly older than me—but if I run he can still give chase or call for backup. Someone could find my bag, tucked away in today’s alley of choice.
I stop.
He steps in front of me, surveying me with steady eyes. Maybe they’re really brown—the light makes them look the color of squashed grapes.
Act normal. A normal person would not snap at him. A normal person would be passive and useless.
“At your service, trainee.” At least there’s a respectful way to rub his rank in his face.
“You have something hidden,” he says.
“I’m sorry… wrong person?”
He brandishes a small, pink-tinted screen at me. “Scanner says something’s tucked away in your shoe.”
This time I can’t help myself. “I hadn’t heard it was common policy to search pedestrians’ feet.”
“It’s my policy to find anything suspicious. If you’ve got nothing iffy there should be nothing wrong with giving me a peek.”
My brain chooses this moment to note the wire-wrapped dartpipe at his belt.
I swallow. “Trainees are well-equipped nowadays.”

(Meant to continue from here! This is an excerpt.)

right! this is from november 2021 but i wanted to link this to my july thread so- i'm posting it in the july 2022 megathread, hope that's ok

i am not going to alter the description from what it was before– here goes !

ha uh
y A y - @fari2

daily 1.11
ayoo, yes im fari or faricell or /this/ and I'm a considerably busy high schooler with a massive ego (/j- i always include that for clout lmbo) who enjoys watching, or, overdosing on minecraft men content <3. along with my terrible scratch addiction, I've been around for nearly 4 years! I'm in contemporary this time, and i can't wait to -ditch my cabin- participate in -barely anything- what swc has to offer mM. also im like best friends with my leader so thats a start lol
—
Sprinting, panting, she’s glaring at the obscene room. Crystal white tiles emphasising glittering marble painted the footsteps of desparation, longing, a feeling from within screeching over the mist. He bellowed a gallon of tears town his arms, his face peeling with anguish. His eyes, pristine with relection, detailed streaks cornering his elegant, charcoal lashes. Swollen with regret, his face, swiftly fixated on the creature; the silhoutte of the abysmal wreck, bloody eyed, poised, a gentle hiss reflecting within its glare. The voracious arachnid. His weakness.
“Ibi, where is it, are you alright?”
With a gentle embrace, warmth penetrated through their bond as if light penetrated the earth. His tears, rebounding from her chest, his shallow, stricken voice heaving in awe, he was happy. Wiping away the trickle descending from his eyes, he gazed over, hunched, whimpering softly, dissolving into the chill night.
—
“In two strides, Fundy dissolved into the abyss. Amethyst trails disintegrating, ashes emerging within the darkness,” narrated Wilbur.
“Here, this is The Nether, a vast, an open solitary confinement for the sinners. God really created some interesting sights huh-,”
“It was Wilbur who trailed beside him, trembling, arms poised, bitten by ember greens intrusively colliding with his obscene height-” Fundy begins.
“wHAT THE FLIP IS THAT-!” Fundy exclaimed, reclining from the overarching glowstone enlightening his golden curls lathered over his skin.
“aA- *, get behind me,”
Wilbur eyed the creature, the hazy mist exuberatingly tracing their footsteps, kneeling before the air, fiery eyes uniting with the bloody shadows.
“eEEEEEEE!” It exclaimed, glowing within joy and sorrow.
The ghast descended on the pair with the brightest smile.
Fundy hasn’t stopped screaming.
“now you watch ME!” Fundy exclaimed, triumphantly over his father. Wilbur screeched and swiftly bolted round the piping heat of the ooze of lava. Wilbur Soot. Fitting for his position.
“GET PHIL!” Wilbur cried out, speculating the cold, drifting above his hands which were wistfully gazing upwards.
Fundy chuckles, unleashing his inner brute. And the ghast? Dead of the arrow fixated on his eyes.
“aAAh- oh my god what is going oO-”. Fundy’s mic proceeds to cut out, finding Wilbur in tears.
(Guys I write judiciously so this isn’t helping I WANT TO USE BIG WORDS BUT THEY DECREASE YOUR WORDS AAAA-)
“WAKE UP,”
Fundy aimed to be pure hearted, generous, yearning for knowledge. He admired those of authority, with meaning, respected by others. A past of being grown up absorbed by his own shattered visage, demanding the rights which he once had. Not one person hasn’t-
This ended here lmbo, welcome to my failed weekly #1
—

this is very very good! *claps*

Things I like about it:
-I like how you had very interesting names it’s something i personally struggle with but obviously you don’t have that problem lol
-I like how you established the personality and likes of Siri in very few words, we can tell a lot about her from that little mental tangent and I applaud you for that lol
-I like the fact that you can identify with the character really well, and she’s fairly normal (unlike basically everything I write)

Things I would change:
ack this is hard it was really good
-I would add a little more description, something about the Borgeois’ looks, or the bothered expression, or the room they’re in, just to make it feel more complete. For example:

“How about you go upstairs and finish your arithmetic exercises until your father comes back from the marketplace, Siri,” Mama suggested with a , obviously noticing my discomfort and displeasure around the Bourgeois’.

-I would also just note that for future drafts, maybe explain a little more about the farmhouse I think? Like why they live there and why they have the landlords over and the mother and father’s job and whatnot, but that’s just me, cause I like laying everything out on the table before I start

Anyway, that’s all lol

critique for @Aliana_Cantu

I see him, standing there, slate-grey eyes and messy dark hair. His back is to me, but I know he's twisting his hands together nervously, his face wiped blank. Mannerisms as familiar to me as breathing, movements I can predict with my eyes closed.

Maybe have something else in front of the “I see him” part in your opening. Your opening feels like there was something before the story you are telling, so to begin the story less crookedly, I'd suggest starting with “There he stood” or “That was when I saw him,” and adjust the grammar of the sentence accordingly to which tense you may choose. Other than that, I really love the description you gave to the mans looks, although maybe you could somehow sneak in a sentence or two in there describing exactly how she knew his mannerisms of breathing and movements.. (optional.)

“James?” I call softly.

He whirls around when he hears me, and his eyes light up for a moment, like they used to every time he saw me. It's the look that once made me feel like the most special person in the world.

Altogether I think this part would have been a lot better in past tense format (ending with ‘ed’) although it's totally up to you whether you would like to adjust your story's tense! Maybe also change (if you're keeping the same tense) “It's the look..” to "It's that look.." AHHH- LOVE THE ENDING OF THE LAST LINE THOUGH, IT MADE ME CRY TEARS THE SIZE OF GUMBALLS!!! >.<

Then the look is gone like a candle flickering out. “Betty,” he whispers. My traitorous heart thumps when he says my name. He takes one stumbling step toward me.

Again, I would change “Then the look is gone..” to "Then that look is gone..“ ohmigoshhhh but that ”like a candle flickering out" line is just super descriptive!! I love the way you really took your time to describe exactly how much she was hurt by James's actions and the way you made her heart respond to his voice like AHHH SO GOOD!!! >:00000 If you everrr feel like you want to make that sentence even more dramatic though, I'd suggest thinking of even deeper synonyms for the word ‘traitorous’ and replacing that word to that spot.

I make my face hard and stony. “What do you want, James?”

He freezes. “Betty-”

"What do you want?“

He swallows hard. ”I'm sorry,“ he says in a rush. ”You don't know how much I've missed you, Betty, how horrible I've felt-“

”Stop.“ My stomach coils in disbelief. ”You ran off with Augie. You smashed me to pieces, and now you think you can fix everything with an apology? That isn't fair to any of us, James.“

His face collapses, and suddenly I remember us as children, chasing each other around our gardens. ”I know. Betty, I know, and I'm sorry-“ He breaks off suddenly, and hesitantly, he holds his hand out to me.

Love the heartfelt convo!!! DD I just think you should remove the “I remember us as children, chasing each other around our gardens..” for flow purposes, and maybe sneak a thing or two about their past in more descriptive sentences somewhere else in the writing.

Without thinking, I flinch away from it. His face, already so broken, shatters apart. It's right then that I realize that James didn't just come here to apologize. He wants to get back together.

Before I can stop myself, I let out a derisive, almost hysterical laugh. James was always so stupidly idealistic. ”Are you serious? James, you want to get back together?“

”I'll spend the rest of my life making this up to you, I promise.“ His eyes have a sort of dull hope in them. ”Betty, please, I love you!“

”But how am I supposed to believe that?“ I shout. ”I loved you for so long, and you threw it all away!“

His hand, which was still outstretched, falls limply to his side. ”So this is it?“ he whispers.

I feel tears beginning to fall down my face. I shouldn't be crying for James, but he's been my whole life since I was six years old. ”This is it" I repeat.

One word: AMAZINGGG!!! But on another note, you could try adding in more emotion to their faces and the writing through fancier, more descriptive language, that's all!!

He lets out a sort of suppressed gasp. ”I'm so sorry, Betty. For-for everything." He turns away, shoulders trembling. I know his hands are pressed against his eyes, and I know when he gets to his car, he'll look back at the backseat where we kissed for the first time. He'll break down then, wrapping his arms around himself, pressing his head against the steering wheel. Knowing that is almost enough for me to call out to him.

Instead, I watch him walking away. Then I sink to my knees, press my hand to the ground, and allow myself to cry for James, the first boy I ever loved, and the first boy who ever broke my heart.

I think you could have been a teeeny tiiinnyy bit cleaner with the ending- the amount of emotions scattered around the page was just so overwhelming and I think you could have done a better job keeping it tidy. Maybe when you explain the sequence of things Betty knows James'll do once he gets into his car, you can try to experiment with different synonyms and maybe pop some imagery in there to create more of a flow throughout the paragraph. Also try to combine the two sentences in the last paragraph-ish part of the ending, kind of like: “Instead I watch him walking away.. as I sunk down to my knees and pressed my hand to the ground, weeping for James, the first boy I ever loved and the first boy who ever broke my heart.

Ooh! Maybe you could also make a twist-cliffhanger ending at the end, something that could add a little spice into the gloominess and sadness of the ending. This is really juuuuust a suggestion since it would dramaticallly change the story altogether- something like: ”… the first boy I ever loved and the first boy who ever broke my heart- successfully anyways."

Ahah- that was bad, but I bet you can brainstorm a bunch of more ecstatic-fying endings for your ALREADY SOOOOPER AMAZING HEARTFELT EPIK STORY!!!!

It was a pleasure to critique this, and I hope you can put all of my suggestions into great use (and maybe send me another copy of this to read again sometime when you're done!!) <3