table of contents


chapter 1 | chapter 2 | chapter 3 | chapter 4 | chapter 5 | chapter 6

The knock at the door would have startled me to death if I hadn't seen his blurred face through the window, the porchlight highlighting his distorted features from the chopped-up glass.

It was ten at night, but he was there like promised, his car parked outside in the drizzling rain. Moments like this were moments I lived for, these small little acts keeping my heart alive and pounding inside of me.

Opening the door, he gave a flashy little smile, though his eyes held concern. Concern for me. That thought brought the grin to my face as I threw my arms around his neck.

“I didn't think you'd actually come,” I said against the fabric of his soaked shirt, breathing in the scent of him.

“And I didn't think you'd be waiting for me,” he replied with a chuckle, and I flicked his shoulder with a small light laugh that blossomed along with my smile.

We pulled away, and I let my arms fall to my sides, not managing to push down the grin that kept rising to the corners of my mouth.

“Now, why are you so happy? I thought I'd come to a depressed little girlfriend sobbing all over me about these friend problems.”

I scoffed and shot him a teasing glare before sinking to the wooden planks of the porch below me. The lantern from above set out a soft glow that flickered with the fluttering of my heart. “Nah, I'm not like that. I couldn't bear that kind of embarrassment.”

“I know,” he responded with a laugh before squatting down next to me and prodding my side. “Joking.”

“I just need company, I guess,” I responded as I dodged his hand, catching his fingers so he couldn't jostle me.

“Ah…” he sighed and then shifted so he was sitting down, one knee up to his chest, “don't we all.”

The moon was high up in the sky, the rain sliding across the stars like little sparks of a firework right after the explosion. We were both quiet as if our company was enough conversation for the two of us.

Something turned in my stomach when he moved his hand on top of my own, turning my palm over slowly so he could interlace his fingers between each of mine. A flush sparked on my cheeks and I tried to ignore the fact how sweaty my palm was already becoming.

“I'm…still not used to this,” I blurted out with a short laugh. “I don't even know what I'm doing…ugh.” I ran my free hand through my hair and tried to relax.

It was that dreaded realization once again. The realization that, even though he was my first boyfriend, I was far from being his first girlfriend. He'd had so many before. He'd flirted with girls before, held their hands, kissed them even. He had years of practice…why did I have the dreaded feeling that I had become someone to practice on too? This was something so new and unfamiliar and exciting to me, but did he feel the same way?

“You're doing just fine. I can let go if you want?”

“No, please don't–” I said quickly, and he laughed, running his thumb over the back of my hand.

“Okay, I won't.”

Above us, the porchlight flickered off, enveloping us both in darkness. Past the trees, up into the cloudy sky, the stars came to life in little specks of salt and glitter. With a tug of his hand, I climbed back up onto my feet and pulled him up too. Through the dark, I smiled, and I could see the shimmer of his eyes.

I pulled him toward his car through the pattering rain, large droplets bouncing from the leaves of the two giant trees in front of the house. The grass disappeared from our feet, and then there was the dusty road that led down miles of absolute nothing, just the exposed sky floating against the horizon speckled with trees.

The field ahead was covered in overgrown grass that weighed down with the weight of water droplets. We crossed the road, me in my bare feet and him in his black Jordans. I laughed, still holding tightly onto his fingers before my heel landed on uneven ground and I lost my balance. A blur of green, rain sliding across my face, and I felt my body hit the soft cushion of grass.

My vision was blurred from rain falling in my eyes, but when I blinked quickly I found his face inches from my own, having caught himself when I'd brought him down with me in my fall.

If I was given the option of being able to relive any moment for the rest of my life, I would have chosen this very instant. Because then, as he tilted his head down and his lips met mine, the world came to life. The sky roared with a brilliance that I couldn't even begin to describe, the sound of rain filling my ears.

Then a shock of thunder jolted the ground and my eyes snapped open.

please share critiques if you have any! <3 this is a way to improve my writing haha

I don't know if I even have any critiques.
This is very good! <3

qadqet wrote:

I don't know if I even have any critiques.
This is very good! <3

ashhfjs you're so nice ^u^ thank youu <3

my guy this is a god story right here *claps* CAN WE GET THEM AN AWARD LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

suppersbuppers wrote:

my guy this is a god story right here *claps* CAN WE GET THEM AN AWARD LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

aaaa thank you ;uuu;

I absolutely love editing, and even I can find nothing wrong with this! Love the concept, love the imagery and the language. It's amazing!

I don't even know what to say! This is amazing!!!

This is fantastic! I love how descriptive it is! <3

I love this so much <33
And that means a lot coming from someone who binge-reads romance novels and manga lol

zeridy wrote:

I love this so much <33
And that means a lot coming from someone who binge-reads romance novels and manga lol

ackk my heart all the comments so far make me smile adghsj you're amazing and thank youu <33

I love this! You're a very good writer and it came out smooth. I was glad I was able to read this because the storyline is really cute and heart-warming. The only thing I would say is to look for places where you could also use semicolons, maybe? Maybe try not to stick to just periods and commas. It doesn't matter though. Otherwise, this is really cute and I really appreciate your effort and time put into this… Good luck!

DalmatianLOVER123 wrote:

I love this! You're a very good writer and it came out smooth. I was glad I was able to read this because the storyline is really cute and heart-warming. The only thing I would say is to look for places where you could also use semicolons, maybe? Maybe try not to stick to just periods and commas. It doesn't matter though. Otherwise, this is really cute and I really appreciate your effort and time put into this… Good luck!

I'm stupid when it comes to semicolons lmaoo I keep forgetting when the right moment is to use them but thank you for reminding me! I'll look up their usage and try to use them more ackk

Haha, I'm dumb too. You can use them I think whenever a comma or period can be used.

This is beautiful! You should continue writing. I'm also an aspiring writer

alex502 wrote:

This is beautiful! You should continue writing. I'm also an aspiring writer

omgg you should totally share your writing too! I love seeing other people's writing agsjfhsh

This is excellent!! I love the little cliffhanger, her feelings (first bf) vs his (many gfs), and all the little metaphors to descriptors! I do have to say, my eyes wanted to rush through the words because there is no indents. I suggest four spaces (the size of a “tab”) or three spaces for every paragraph, which is what I usually do. I thoroughly enjoyed it overall!! Please let me know when the next part is posted ^^

-microwave wrote:

DalmatianLOVER123 wrote:

I love this! You're a very good writer and it came out smooth. I was glad I was able to read this because the storyline is really cute and heart-warming. The only thing I would say is to look for places where you could also use semicolons, maybe? Maybe try not to stick to just periods and commas. It doesn't matter though. Otherwise, this is really cute and I really appreciate your effort and time put into this… Good luck!

I'm stupid when it comes to semicolons lmaoo I keep forgetting when the right moment is to use them but thank you for reminding me! I'll look up their usage and try to use them more ackk

I noticed you were having a little debacle with semicolons! They are like special commas — they can be used to connect two individual sentences (or, independent clauses) without a conjunction (FANBOYS — for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so).

When you use a comma to connect two independent clauses, you must have a conjunction to connect. Here is an example:
Chi, with his great power, stood still, and the flood of energy frothed from his claws in elegant patterns.

We can see here that there are two independent clauses creating this compound sentence. If you took them apart, they’d look like this:
Chi, with his great power, stood still. The flood of energy frothed from his claws in elegant patterns.

But, since these are two independent clauses, we have one more action we could decide on to make the sentence more interesting (and maybe receive a higher score on our essay for looking intelligent).
Chi, with his great power, stood still; the flood of energy frothed from his claws in elegant patterns.

Now, you can decide which one fits better into your story. Which one flows with the natural dialogue and patterns in the sentences? Do you have too many long sentences already, or not enough? You, as a writer, get to choose! It’s best to make sure your story has diversity in sentence length, which is the most important part. Make sure your reader’s mind gets a breather as they go from a three-word sentence to two ten-word ones! Hand them a refreshing four or five after that.

You’re not required to include semicolons in anything, but it might benefit you to do so!

Just remember:
- don’t capitalise the next word after the semicolon unless it is a proper noun!
- the two sentences must be related to make sense.
- no conjunction needed! If you want one, use a comma.
- use sparingly and space them out. Make sure they work well with what you’re trying to say.

I hope this helped! Let me know if you need any other grammar help; I often edit both my own and my friend’s writing. I don’t mind at all!

-iinkwiinqs- wrote:

This is excellent!! I love the little cliffhanger, her feelings (first bf) vs his (many gfs), and all the little metaphors to descriptors! I do have to say, my eyes wanted to rush through the words because there is no indents. I suggest four spaces (the size of a “tab”) or three spaces for every paragraph, which is what I usually do. I thoroughly enjoyed it overall!! Please let me know when the next part is posted ^^

-microwave wrote:

DalmatianLOVER123 wrote:

I love this! You're a very good writer and it came out smooth. I was glad I was able to read this because the storyline is really cute and heart-warming. The only thing I would say is to look for places where you could also use semicolons, maybe? Maybe try not to stick to just periods and commas. It doesn't matter though. Otherwise, this is really cute and I really appreciate your effort and time put into this… Good luck!

I'm stupid when it comes to semicolons lmaoo I keep forgetting when the right moment is to use them but thank you for reminding me! I'll look up their usage and try to use them more ackk

I noticed you were having a little debacle with semicolons! They are like special commas — they can be used to connect two individual sentences (or, independent clauses) without a conjunction (FANBOYS — for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so).

When you use a comma to connect two independent clauses, you must have a conjunction to connect. Here is an example:
Chi, with his great power, stood still, and the flood of energy frothed from his claws in elegant patterns.

We can see here that there are two independent clauses creating this compound sentence. If you took them apart, they’d look like this:
Chi, with his great power, stood still. The flood of energy frothed from his claws in elegant patterns.

But, since these are two independent clauses, we have one more action we could decide on to make the sentence more interesting (and maybe receive a higher score on our essay for looking intelligent).
Chi, with his great power, stood still; the flood of energy frothed from his claws in elegant patterns.

Now, you can decide which one fits better into your story. Which one flows with the natural dialogue and patterns in the sentences? Do you have too many long sentences already, or not enough? You, as a writer, get to choose! It’s best to make sure your story has diversity in sentence length, which is the most important part. Make sure your reader’s mind gets a breather as they go from a three-word sentence to two ten-word ones! Hand them a refreshing four or five after that.

You’re not required to include semicolons in anything, but it might benefit you to do so!

Just remember:
- don’t capitalise the next word after the semicolon unless it is a proper noun!
- the two sentences must be related to make sense.
- no conjunction needed! If you want one, use a comma.
- use sparingly and space them out. Make sure they work well with what you’re trying to say.

I hope this helped! Let me know if you need any other grammar help; I often edit both my own and my friend’s writing. I don’t mind at all!

that is so helpful omg <3

-microwave wrote:

-iinkwiinqs- wrote:

This is excellent!! I love the little cliffhanger, her feelings (first bf) vs his (many gfs), and all the little metaphors to descriptors! I do have to say, my eyes wanted to rush through the words because there is no indents. I suggest four spaces (the size of a “tab”) or three spaces for every paragraph, which is what I usually do. I thoroughly enjoyed it overall!! Please let me know when the next part is posted ^^

-microwave wrote:

DalmatianLOVER123 wrote:

I love this! You're a very good writer and it came out smooth. I was glad I was able to read this because the storyline is really cute and heart-warming. The only thing I would say is to look for places where you could also use semicolons, maybe? Maybe try not to stick to just periods and commas. It doesn't matter though. Otherwise, this is really cute and I really appreciate your effort and time put into this… Good luck!

I'm stupid when it comes to semicolons lmaoo I keep forgetting when the right moment is to use them but thank you for reminding me! I'll look up their usage and try to use them more ackk

I noticed you were having a little debacle with semicolons! They are like special commas — they can be used to connect two individual sentences (or, independent clauses) without a conjunction (FANBOYS — for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so).

When you use a comma to connect two independent clauses, you must have a conjunction to connect. Here is an example:
Chi, with his great power, stood still, and the flood of energy frothed from his claws in elegant patterns.

We can see here that there are two independent clauses creating this compound sentence. If you took them apart, they’d look like this:
Chi, with his great power, stood still. The flood of energy frothed from his claws in elegant patterns.

But, since these are two independent clauses, we have one more action we could decide on to make the sentence more interesting (and maybe receive a higher score on our essay for looking intelligent).
Chi, with his great power, stood still; the flood of energy frothed from his claws in elegant patterns.

Now, you can decide which one fits better into your story. Which one flows with the natural dialogue and patterns in the sentences? Do you have too many long sentences already, or not enough? You, as a writer, get to choose! It’s best to make sure your story has diversity in sentence length, which is the most important part. Make sure your reader’s mind gets a breather as they go from a three-word sentence to two ten-word ones! Hand them a refreshing four or five after that.

You’re not required to include semicolons in anything, but it might benefit you to do so!

Just remember:
- don’t capitalise the next word after the semicolon unless it is a proper noun!
- the two sentences must be related to make sense.
- no conjunction needed! If you want one, use a comma.
- use sparingly and space them out. Make sure they work well with what you’re trying to say.

I hope this helped! Let me know if you need any other grammar help; I often edit both my own and my friend’s writing. I don’t mind at all!

that is so helpful omg <3

Sure thing! <3

aknfoiwaakjns amazing