Writing Piece - first draft of like 1/100 of the story

Riddle_Man

I awake and get out of my black-covered bed. The water is a dark, sickening color, just like the rest of Malgrave. And Eeyorish too, if you think about it.

Drowsily, I wash my hands and face in the water basin and take a drink out of the waterhorn. The water makes me feel relieved, because I am much less refreshed than I felt when I woke up. Mother will be much happier with me than she was yesterday, and so will the Consult Protector. If I did not drink enough water out of my waterhorn, I would feel refreshed, and I would be thrown out of Malgrave, and Eeyorish, too.

That is the rules. You must drink ten long, ten minute sips of water from your waterhorn every day or the Consult Protector will make you drink five quarts of it in less than thirty trapes.

Which is what happened yesterday. I accidentally forgot to drink my last drink, so I had to drink five quarts of the sickening liquid.

But it is required to feel sickened, and to feel terrible and mournful.

Because that is the way of Eeyorish. That is the way of Malgrave.

To be happy would be literally illegal. It would be celestial and horrid. To indulge in happiness- oh I cannot even think of it, for Mother would give me a longer lecture than I already get with my sister Lily to help us stay miserable all day.

Which, to be honest, isn’t that hard to do. The walls of Malgrave are grey, the furniture is a rich dark brown, and carpets are a stressful, miserable red color. The curtains are black, and there is nothing to relieve you of the dingy feeling, for outdoors the yard is a brownish-grey and the sky is always clouded with dark storm clouds, and the yard is almost completely empty. The only thing in sight is the Pristine and the guards who surround it.

The Pristine. The small building which provokes the worst feelings, feelings no one other than Eeyorans have felt. Although it is really more than a building. Inside the grey structure is a single room, a huge room with black and white diagonal tiles. In the middle of the room is a dark-gold color fountain which constantly spews out a black liquid called Darkness. It’s what keeps us going, Mother says. It’s what keeps us alive.

I snap back into the present and stop thinking about Malgrave. Lily is standing right in front of me, waving her hand in front of my face. “Krysthana,” she says, “Krysthana, are you there?” I jump at the sound of my name. That’s my name. Krysthana.

“Yes,” I reply. “Yes, I am here. I was just sulking.” Quickly I go to my wardrobe and gather my black, long-sleeved dress and veil and pull my dress over my skinny waist. I stuff the veil in my pocket and rush out the door. In my haste I bump into my guard, William. “Slechte,” I say to him. That is our word for “Bad morning”.

He nods sadly and walks away in his black-and-red uniform. He is a mysterious man. I know nothing of his background, his family, and he hardly ever talks.

My Mother interrupts my wonders. “Krysthana! Krysthana! Come here!” I slowly walk towards the kitchen (which, of course, is formed in an annoying way), angry at her impatience.

“Slechte,” she greets me. She is wearing her normal long hoop dress and slippers with her veil covering her face. I curtsy as she stares her hard, cold stare at me. “Get your veil on!” she snaps. Quickly I pull my veil over my face. “See, so much better. Now go get your to-do list. Pressarik.” That’s our word for ‘hurry’.

Do you think it is a decent idea? I'm still working on the story but is the idea decent?

The-Book-Worm

Riddle_Man wrote:
I awake and get out of my black-covered bed. The water is a dark, sickening color, just like the rest of Malgrave. And Eeyorish too, if you think about it.

Drowsily, I wash my hands and face in the water basin and take a drink out of the waterhorn. The water makes me feel relieved, because I am much less refreshed than I felt when I woke up. Mother will be much happier with me than she was yesterday, and so will the Consult Protector. If I did not drink enough water out of my waterhorn, I would feel refreshed, and I would be thrown out of Malgrave, and Eeyorish, too.
…
“Slechte,” she greets me. She is wearing her normal long hoop dress and slippers with her veil covering her face. I curtsy as she stares her hard, cold stare at me. “Get your veil on!” she snaps. Quickly I pull my veil over my face. “See, so much better. Now go get your to-do list. Pressarik.” That’s our word for ‘hurry’.

Do you think it is a decent idea? I'm still working on the story but is the idea decent?

Whoa. It's really cool. Most people write about forced happiness, but this is totally different and cool! I can't recall reading a book where you have to be miserable. It sounds like a twisted dystopian society, but instead of striving to be perfectly happy, its goal is misery. It's a really cool idea and it is well written. I would definitely buy it if I read the blurb.

Riddle_Man

The-Book-Worm wrote:
Riddle_Man wrote:
I awake and get out of my black-covered bed. The water is a dark, sickening color, just like the rest of Malgrave. And Eeyorish too, if you think about it.

Drowsily, I wash my hands and face in the water basin and take a drink out of the waterhorn. The water makes me feel relieved, because I am much less refreshed than I felt when I woke up. Mother will be much happier with me than she was yesterday, and so will the Consult Protector. If I did not drink enough water out of my waterhorn, I would feel refreshed, and I would be thrown out of Malgrave, and Eeyorish, too.
…
“Slechte,” she greets me. She is wearing her normal long hoop dress and slippers with her veil covering her face. I curtsy as she stares her hard, cold stare at me. “Get your veil on!” she snaps. Quickly I pull my veil over my face. “See, so much better. Now go get your to-do list. Pressarik.” That’s our word for ‘hurry’.

Do you think it is a decent idea? I'm still working on the story but is the idea decent?

Whoa. It's really cool. Most people write about forced happiness, but this is totally different and cool! I can't recall reading a book where you have to be miserable. It sounds like a twisted dystopian society, but instead of striving to be perfectly happy, its goal is misery. It's a really cool idea and it is well written. I would definitely buy it if I read the blurb.

Wow. Thank you so much. You literally just made my day (I've already failed my math test, and I've got parents lol, ect.).

you also just inspired a part in my book. I was thinking that later in the book (SPOILER ALERT) Krythanna would experience happiness.

When I read your post, I was feeling down. Then when I actually read it, I legit felt warm, and loved, and I felt just about as happy as you can get- that's the feeling of praise. True bliss, and joviality.

I know that sounds over-dramatic, but it truly felt like that. Like the times when someone hugs you or comforts you.

ugh now I'm sounding like a real drama queen

The-Book-Worm

Riddle_Man wrote:
The-Book-Worm wrote:
Riddle_Man wrote:
I awake and get out of my black-covered bed. The water is a dark, sickening color, just like the rest of Malgrave. And Eeyorish too, if you think about it.

Drowsily, I wash my hands and face in the water basin and take a drink out of the waterhorn. The water makes me feel relieved, because I am much less refreshed than I felt when I woke up. Mother will be much happier with me than she was yesterday, and so will the Consult Protector. If I did not drink enough water out of my waterhorn, I would feel refreshed, and I would be thrown out of Malgrave, and Eeyorish, too.
…
“Slechte,” she greets me. She is wearing her normal long hoop dress and slippers with her veil covering her face. I curtsy as she stares her hard, cold stare at me. “Get your veil on!” she snaps. Quickly I pull my veil over my face. “See, so much better. Now go get your to-do list. Pressarik.” That’s our word for ‘hurry’.

Do you think it is a decent idea? I'm still working on the story but is the idea decent?

Whoa. It's really cool. Most people write about forced happiness, but this is totally different and cool! I can't recall reading a book where you have to be miserable. It sounds like a twisted dystopian society, but instead of striving to be perfectly happy, its goal is misery. It's a really cool idea and it is well written. I would definitely buy it if I read the blurb.
Wow. Thank you so much. You literally just made my day (I've already failed my math test, and I've got parents lol, ect.).

you also just inspired a part in my book. I was thinking that later in the book (SPOILER ALERT) Krythanna would experience happiness.

When I read your post, I was feeling down. Then when I actually read it, I legit felt warm, and loved, and I felt just about as happy as you can get- that's the feeling of praise. True bliss, and joviality.

I know that sounds over-dramatic, but it truly felt like that. Like the times when someone hugs you or comforts you.

ugh now I'm sounding like a real drama queen

No, not at all. I write too and I love the feeling when someone really likes what you've worked to write. And the effort you put in realy does shine through. Maybe in the society, there are arranged marriages designed to make you unhappy and she falls in love and finds happiness. (oof I'm a sucker for romance stories) Also they can kill your family members if you get too happy to make you miserable.

And I'm glad I could help. Honestly, this idea sounds super cool and I bet anyone else who reads it will agree. I'm eager to see what else you write!

Oh and love Krythanna's name btw. It's so pretty! It reminds me of Kyrstal and Kathrine and Anna combine and it's super pretty!

Last edited by The-Book-Worm (April 30, 2019 00:00:40)

Riddle_Man

The-Book-Worm wrote:
Riddle_Man wrote:
The-Book-Worm wrote:
Riddle_Man wrote:
I awake and get out of my black-covered bed. The water is a dark, sickening color, just like the rest of Malgrave. And Eeyorish too, if you think about it.

Drowsily, I wash my hands and face in the water basin and take a drink out of the waterhorn. The water makes me feel relieved, because I am much less refreshed than I felt when I woke up. Mother will be much happier with me than she was yesterday, and so will the Consult Protector. If I did not drink enough water out of my waterhorn, I would feel refreshed, and I would be thrown out of Malgrave, and Eeyorish, too.
…
“Slechte,” she greets me. She is wearing her normal long hoop dress and slippers with her veil covering her face. I curtsy as she stares her hard, cold stare at me. “Get your veil on!” she snaps. Quickly I pull my veil over my face. “See, so much better. Now go get your to-do list. Pressarik.” That’s our word for ‘hurry’.

Do you think it is a decent idea? I'm still working on the story but is the idea decent?

Whoa. It's really cool. Most people write about forced happiness, but this is totally different and cool! I can't recall reading a book where you have to be miserable. It sounds like a twisted dystopian society, but instead of striving to be perfectly happy, its goal is misery. It's a really cool idea and it is well written. I would definitely buy it if I read the blurb.
Wow. Thank you so much. You literally just made my day (I've already failed my math test, and I've got parents lol, ect.).

you also just inspired a part in my book. I was thinking that later in the book (SPOILER ALERT) Krythanna would experience happiness.

When I read your post, I was feeling down. Then when I actually read it, I legit felt warm, and loved, and I felt just about as happy as you can get- that's the feeling of praise. True bliss, and joviality.

I know that sounds over-dramatic, but it truly felt like that. Like the times when someone hugs you or comforts you.

ugh now I'm sounding like a real drama queen
No, not at all. I write too and I love the feeling when someone really likes what you've worked to write. And the effort you put in realy does shine through. Maybe in the society, there are arranged marriages designed to make you unhappy and she falls in love and finds happiness. (oof I'm a sucker for romance stories) Also they can kill your family members if you get too happy to make you miserable.

And I'm glad I could help. Honestly, this idea sounds super cool and I bet anyone else who reads it will agree. I'm eager to see what else you write!

Oh and love Krythanna's name btw. It's so pretty! It reminds me of Kyrstal and Kathrine and Anna combine and it's super pretty!

Thanks! I was actually planning on doing something else (trying not to spoil everything lol) but that is also a great idea and I can probably fit that in!

Yeah I like Krysthana's name too, altho there are some other characters' names that I really like. I used a fantasy name generator (it's really useful for finding names, it's just called ‘fantasy name generator’)

The-Book-Worm

Riddle_Man wrote:
The-Book-Worm wrote:
Riddle_Man wrote:
The-Book-Worm wrote:
Riddle_Man wrote:
I awake and get out of my black-covered bed. The water is a dark, sickening color, just like the rest of Malgrave. And Eeyorish too, if you think about it.

Drowsily, I wash my hands and face in the water basin and take a drink out of the waterhorn. The water makes me feel relieved, because I am much less refreshed than I felt when I woke up. Mother will be much happier with me than she was yesterday, and so will the Consult Protector. If I did not drink enough water out of my waterhorn, I would feel refreshed, and I would be thrown out of Malgrave, and Eeyorish, too.
…
“Slechte,” she greets me. She is wearing her normal long hoop dress and slippers with her veil covering her face. I curtsy as she stares her hard, cold stare at me. “Get your veil on!” she snaps. Quickly I pull my veil over my face. “See, so much better. Now go get your to-do list. Pressarik.” That’s our word for ‘hurry’.

Do you think it is a decent idea? I'm still working on the story but is the idea decent?

Whoa. It's really cool. Most people write about forced happiness, but this is totally different and cool! I can't recall reading a book where you have to be miserable. It sounds like a twisted dystopian society, but instead of striving to be perfectly happy, its goal is misery. It's a really cool idea and it is well written. I would definitely buy it if I read the blurb.
Wow. Thank you so much. You literally just made my day (I've already failed my math test, and I've got parents lol, ect.).

you also just inspired a part in my book. I was thinking that later in the book (SPOILER ALERT) Krythanna would experience happiness.

When I read your post, I was feeling down. Then when I actually read it, I legit felt warm, and loved, and I felt just about as happy as you can get- that's the feeling of praise. True bliss, and joviality.

I know that sounds over-dramatic, but it truly felt like that. Like the times when someone hugs you or comforts you.

ugh now I'm sounding like a real drama queen
No, not at all. I write too and I love the feeling when someone really likes what you've worked to write. And the effort you put in realy does shine through. Maybe in the society, there are arranged marriages designed to make you unhappy and she falls in love and finds happiness. (oof I'm a sucker for romance stories) Also they can kill your family members if you get too happy to make you miserable.

And I'm glad I could help. Honestly, this idea sounds super cool and I bet anyone else who reads it will agree. I'm eager to see what else you write!

Oh and love Krythanna's name btw. It's so pretty! It reminds me of Kyrstal and Kathrine and Anna combine and it's super pretty!
Thanks! I was actually planning on doing something else (trying not to spoil everything lol) but that is also a great idea and I can probably fit that in!

Yeah I like Krysthana's name too, altho there are some other characters' names that I really like. I used a fantasy name generator (it's really useful for finding names, it's just called ‘fantasy name generator’)

I'm excited to see what you write!

MrFluffyPenguins

why it illegal to not drink water for 10 straight minutes
Cool story.

Riddle_Man

Mr_PenguinAlex wrote:
why it illegal to not drink water for 10 straight minutes
Cool story.

Lol it's not really water- you'll just have to wait till I post the later chapters

LivsKotlcPjoTmr

Riddle_Man wrote:
-snippity snip snip-

Do you think it is a decent idea? I'm still working on the story but is the idea decent?

Questions for Development:
-Why aren't they allowed to be happy?
-Why have they developed their own words? Are they cut off from the rest of the world, or is the entire world like this?
-Do people hate this life, or love it? Or are they not allowed to show those feelings?
-Is it supposed to rob people of individuality?
-Is this a revenge scheme?
-How does the Pristine work?
-Who made the Pristine? Did they want it to be used this way?
-Is the liquid/water/Darkness stuff for health reasons?
-Are they even human?
-What time frame is this set in?
-Is the to-do list to keep the city/world/Malgrave/Whatever this place is running? What would happen if Krysthana disobeyed?
-Does Mother truly love Krysthana and Lily? Is love possible to feel in this world?
-What is Malgrave's position on racism/sexism/homophobia/transphobia/etc.?
-Do they even know what happiness feels like? How does it affect their mental health and/or sanity?

Okay, I think that's enough for now. But I think this would make a pretty good dystopian. If you ever post more to Scratch (of this story), tell me!

Riddle_Man

LivsKotlcPjoTmr wrote:
Riddle_Man wrote:
-snippity snip snip-

Do you think it is a decent idea? I'm still working on the story but is the idea decent?

Questions for Development:
-Why aren't they allowed to be happy?
-Why have they developed their own words? Are they cut off from the rest of the world, or is the entire world like this?
-Do people hate this life, or love it? Or are they not allowed to show those feelings?
-Is it supposed to rob people of individuality?
-Is this a revenge scheme?
-How does the Pristine work?
-Who made the Pristine? Did they want it to be used this way?
-Is the liquid/water/Darkness stuff for health reasons?
-Are they even human?
-What time frame is this set in?
-Is the to-do list to keep the city/world/Malgrave/Whatever this place is running? What would happen if Krysthana disobeyed?
-Does Mother truly love Krysthana and Lily? Is love possible to feel in this world?
-What is Malgrave's position on racism/sexism/homophobia/transphobia/etc.?
-Do they even know what happiness feels like? How does it affect their mental health and/or sanity?

Okay, I think that's enough for now. But I think this would make a pretty good dystopian. If you ever post more to Scratch (of this story), tell me!

lol ok, thanks, most of that will be revealed later, but the entire world is like that. I also want to leave some stuff for readers to wonder. The liquid-water-darkness stuff is actually an abstract noun that will be revealed later

-ShadowOfTheFuture-

Woah, this is an amazing concept! Looking forwards to what's to come.

Were there any particular events that led to the world devoid of happiness?

Riddle_Man

-ShadowOfTheFuture- wrote:
Woah, this is an amazing concept! Looking forwards to what's to come.

Were there any particular events that led to the world devoid of happiness?

Yep, but like I said in the title- this is only like 1/100 of the book

Things will be revealed.

TM2125

This is really interesting and sounds like something i might actually buy. Keep up the good work, i'm excited to see what happens next!

Last edited by TM2125 (May 1, 2019 11:13:44)

Riddle_Man

TM2125 wrote:
This is really interesting and sounds like something i might actually buy. Keep up the good work, i'm excited to see what happens next!

PokeNova

I love it! (Isn't Eeyore a character from Winnie the Pooh or something- Maybe I'm crazy-) The idea is great and I want to see more

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