If everyone on Earth joined hands around the Equator, many of them would drown.
I deserve a medal every day I don’t stab someone with a fork.
My life is about as organized as a $5 DVD bin at Walmart.

Beware of the dog…the cat is also pretty shady.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? “Breathe, man! Breathe!”
I hold the key to world peace, but somebody changed the lock.