let me start off by saying that i've been holding this all in for some time now, if you didn't want to hear me rant, i understand that, don't accept the invite and move on
there was a fire at my best friend's place last night, it was a small electrical fire in her basement, everyone is fine, nobody is injured, but it'll take a few months for her house to get repaired, her family is living in a hotel and is going to temporarily move to an apt. you'll see why this is important later on..
she hasn't been the same recently, she's been having panic attacks, anxiety problems, her appetite has dropped, and so much more. some guy pranked her into thinking he was asking her out and her anxiety has gotten worse, but that's not the main thing...
I have major trust issues, i'm not exactly sure why, i just do. maybe because in the 5th grade one of my best friends turned against me at the will of a popular kid, maybe it's because i've experienced betrayal, idk, but... it hurts, i never feel like im truly safe, or at peace, my school days are filled with stress and worry. today a girl i've barely talked to was in the parking lot of target with her friends she waved to me and said hi, i said hi back, but i couldn't help thinking, what if she said hi to make fun of me, any normal person would be like, oh that was nice of her, and they'd know nobody says hi to make fun of someone, but my mind just took control, filling me with these stressed and embarrassed feelings, whenever someone whispers near me or looks at me, i think they're judging me, it's gotten so bad that i have to bite my tongue around my closest friends because i think they'll judge me
this is where the fire comes in.. me and my friend were texting about it today and she was telling me about her problems, i was telling her about mine.. i know it sounds crazy but i dont tell people about whats going on in my head because im embarassed of myself, and i feel like theyll judge me.. yes i know i think everyone is judging me but thats the truth, im never confident about myself, i need the praise of others to even put a smile on my face. the fire brought me and my best friend closer together... and its given me a chance to empty out my feelings to someone, to dump out whatever ive held in.. so im telling you guys this now.. i'm not okay, and i doubt i ever will be again, my trust issues are causing minor anxiety attacks, (don't worry, I'm not having dark thoughts, or injuring myself) , i cry myself to sleep once a week, my appetite is dropping, my grades are bound to lower as well, and most of all.... i don't feel happy much anymore, i get this dulled feeling of happiness, but i can barely ever feel a true laugh anymore, i fake my smiles, my laughs, and my happiness. if you are struggling with trust issues, anxiety, or anything else, tell someone, it helps, it really does.
much love <3