A really awful short story for the team barbie challenge
It was really very very annoying to have the curse. It just did not make life easier. And it wasn’t your standard, well written, fairly manageable curse. No, it was that your entire setting and everything around you changed every three minutes! Like just boo. That was not nice. Daisy the axolotl sat there contemplating this unfortunate fate. She was currently in a very unhelpful position, thanks to her lovely very annoying curse. She was hanging out in a tree branch that she had not meant to end up in. But all of a sudden, the tell tale signs of a scene change came. The air started to shimmer like it was in a heat wave, gravity started to flip, it was like everything was falling…into a new scene. Daisy landed with a sad flop on an ice flow? Because of course the scene had dumped her in the arctic. But maybe there would be a polar bear! Except that would actually be quite bad because a polar bear would probably be willing to eat a axolotl. Daisy slipped into the water with a bit of undignified wiggling. She didn’t freeze to death because of her awesome scene hopping powers that made her immune to the environment in her new scene (not polar bears though). No sooner was she in the water then the air rippled, gravity flipped, and suddenly she was in a a bustling cafe. Daisy noted that this was a bit like those strange magic tree house books she had once read in a scene change to a library. Cliche, boring, rather predictable, full of jumping from place to place with little plot. Except Daisy was a axolotl so that made it at least kind of interesting. Much better than those books.
And just like that the cafe was gone in a woosh. Daisy mused that it would be really great if she could get a bit longer in between scene switching. Like three minuets was a very short time and a bit longer would be much appreciated. Daisy was now at sea? No clue what sea it was, but here she was, floating on some waves and bobbing around. It was very salty and she would probably die without her awesome powers. Since there wasn’t much to do other then float she did just that, while wondering vaguely if that storm she saw was a hurricane. Probably not? Well she would leave soon.

407 words

yayy let's do a challenge while I'm sleep deprived and apparently can't spell too-
my adjective is sparkly ✨✨✨
164 words

Maya stepped into the building that was labeled “Barbie Dreamhouse” in sparkly letters. She felt a sense of unease. Everything was… sparkly? Maya felt a twist in her stomach. The tables, the floors, the walls, the chairs, literally everything was so, so, sparkly. The walls were literally covered with wallpaper of sparkly sparkle emojis. It was so sparkly! Maya herself even started to feel… sparkly?! No no, this couldn't be! Maya was not sparkly! Hey, that sentence was rhyming! Oh no, even this piece of writing is getting sparkly! ✨✨✨ It's a sparkly nightmare for Maya. Maya was, well… the opposite of sparkly. Until now, apparently! The sparkle was clearly rubbing off on her! It kind of was impossible for it not to, the sparkly glitter was literally falling from the ceiling it was glued to. Maya herself started to feel sparkly, and comfortable with the sparkle! It's a sparkly miracle! The sparkle of barbieland sparkled everything it touched, and it stays purely sparkly!

Alright, it's time for another one of my cabin wars rants! Basically what's going on here is I have to write a thousand words, and I'm just going to ramble to get it done because I really want to go to sleep soon! I have to get up early tomorrow to pack and go to my lesson, but I know it's unlikely for people to be on to complete this, and it's only a thousand words so I might as well write it. Maybe I'll be able to hit thirty thousand words total! I think I can do it! So anyways that is the reason why, instead of doing something productive, like making a writing comp entry I've yet to start, my summer work, or the weekly, I'm doing this. Not that I have the brain capacity right now to do any of those, it's super late and I just want to get this done. Another reason I'm not doing the weekly is because I don't think I'll be able to get it done! I'm leaving tomorrow so I'd have to speedrun it. Instead of writing a full story for my writing comp, I'm thinking of just doing a really deep poem that's shorter. That way I won't have to spend as much time on it. (theoretically.) and even if it takes longer to write it would take less editing and critiquing than a short story, because I really don't have time for that at all. It should in theory take me less time. I feel like I always end up doing writing comp entries last minute rather than putting real work into them. I wish I did but I always procrastinate and since it's just an online thing it really doesn't take much priority. I'm also just not the best writer in general, so I don't expect to win and therefore don't put much effort in ever. But who knows, maybe if I did! That's not the point right now though, the point right now is to get volume. Which is why I'm typing at my superhuman speeds! Just kidding, it's not superhuman, because I'm a pretty normal human, I just have a pretty high wpm. It's also harder to write fast when you have to think of what to write first, which is why the rambling and ranting whatever comes into my head is best for cabin wars. Again, I'm really just trying to get this done here so I can go to bed, not make quality writing. I also forget if one of these forum thingies is usually a thousand or five hundred words. I think it's five hundred, a thousand is just way too good to be true right now. I'm almost two lines to that! I find it interesting that you can write complete junk like this for words but conversational stuff doesn't count unless it's in roleplay format. I guess they don't just want people talking and counting each individual word, but still. Whatever. I don't care, because this counts, and my thoughts are pretty garbage right now considering it's really late - or technically really early in the morning - but I don't even care. I just said that. Well now I'm repeating myself. And my spelling is getting worse and worse, partly due to my fingers slowing down because my hand is starting to cramp. It's also just because it's late slash early and Im' going insane. Ugh get me to a thousand words already! I was write half a forum thing in this box is only five hundred words, so I am a little over halfway there. I like the satisfying feeling of soloing wars, even though it's very tiring in the moment. Especially because the reason you're usually soloing is because it's so late at night. But someone has to do it and I'm proud to support my cabin. And also I want to go out with a bang since I'm leaving tomorrow. I raised my word goal up to thirty thousand, which is double my original goal! I reached it and then added ten thousand, but I hit that earlier today and then realized that I would still write a bunch in cabin wars because I like to carry like this! So I said what the heck why not raise it again just a little. Yeah I'm not doing a weekly. Anyway. I thought of a thing to write and the thought came into my head but then I forgot it. Sparkles. That wasn't the thought that was just random. And once again I was going to write something else after sparkles but got distracted and forgot it! I'm really sleep deprived I think and I want to wake up semi early tomorrow oh no. Anyways I remembered what the second thing after sparkles was! I have spread the sparkle emoji throughout the main cabin, more people started using it! I also did an extra challenge that was like you can only use one adjective so I chose sparkly and I ate that extra challenge up! Lol that's really cringey of me to say. Typing it out makes me cringe at myself but anyway. I did it. It's too bad you can only do one extra challenge because it prevents me from just doing them all. I think that's the point though haha. But it would be easier! Apparently the kens, the other team, have already completed a bunch of extra challenges. Speaking of I should make them a new comprehensive comment explaining the challenges they've done and which cabins have done it again. I bet they forgot all about the which cabin part which is important, because there's no repeats there either. I only have a couple more lines to go to get to a thousand words, maybe like two or three! And by the time I finish writing this sentence it'll be more like one or two lines! Actually nevermind I think I underestimated the amount of lines I had to write before. Now it's like three left from here. Actually no more like two because that was in the middle of- never mind. My gosh my spelling is getting more and more atrocious the more that I write! Maybe I won't write the summary post my fingers are cramping I'm really getting tired here. It's quite late. It's really bad. And I'm only going to get like six and a half hours of sleep which is way too little for me personally but it's okay I'll have some snapple and a mango waiting for me as breakfast. I have things to do so they're going to get done. I procrastinated for far too long. And then on the journey I'll work and make that poem. I will ask someone in the cabin to do an extra challenge though from this war I completed. Anyway I think I've written more than enough so bye.

critique for coast | 07.26.2025

Hi Coast!! I'm sorry I took a bit to get this to you, but I'm Celeste, and I'm ready to (finally) read and critique your piece! I'm really excited to do this, because I just realized I've never read your writing before haha! This is like my third time critiquing poetry, so uh yes. Also, if I give you a lot of feedback, but don't specify what I like about the piece, that doesn't mean that there is nothing I liked, it just means I'm trying to get to the point in the least amount of words possible. Just keep that in mind, and let's do this!

—

I'm probably not going to do the most in-depth critique of my life, but I'll definitely try to find ways that you could expand it! Just a quick note hehe.

—

I feel like in general for the poem, some lines are too long, which doesn't match the majority of the lines, which tend to be on the shorter side. I hink you could spread some of them out a little bit more, just so it looks better, and so some of the lines don't feel like run-on sentences that aren't sentences, if that makes sense.

—

Another overall thing that I think could help you expand your poem: add lots of figurative language! I love how your poem is describing things and what happens, but adding imagery, simile, metaphors, anything like that would really help bring the poem alive even more in the reader's head. This would also make your poem longer, which would definitely be helpful!

—

Since I've decided to be at least a little nitpicky, you don't need the apostrophe in “it's,” it should just be “its.” (I think I got this from my English teacher last year…) I don't even know if the judges will care about this, but I just felt like pointing it out just in case.

Tides push and pull, wrenching kelp away from it’s anchors

—

I think that another thing in general that could help you expand the poem more would be to tell a story with your poem. Honestly, I don't do that as much as just expressing emotions through poetry, but I think in your poem especially, adding a small story would be perfect!! This is just a suggestion, though, you don't have to take it.

—

Honestly, I loved this poem so much!! There are a few things that you could do to expand it, but I already listed them above, and besides, you just don't know how good you are at writing (aka give yourself more credit)!! I do think adding figurative language more would help, that would be my top suggestion for you, but I loved this poem! I know I didn't really specify what I loved about it, but I really liked your descriptive language and your word choice! These really added to the poem, and if you work on it just a little more I know it'll be amazing. Thank you for letting me critique this, it was pretty short, I know, but I hoped this helped.

—
506 words

Barbie Challenge 4 - The Barbie Movie includes an end-credits song called “What Was I Made For?” by the wonderful Billie Eilish. Give the song a listen (if you can!). What do the lyrics make you think about? Take that feeling and run with it as you write 350 words of a story in which the protagonist discovers their true purpose!
Word count : 462 I hope that this counts
————-

Looking through the streets as she walked Eva saw the sun rising as she walked towards school. She really didn’t know what she was doing anymore, it was just a lot of going to school and heading home. She had used to be happy a lot more, and now it just felt like she wasn’t. School had used to be a lot easier for Eva and now it just seemed like she was failing all her classes.

Everything was stacking up and she didn’t even know what she was anymore. If she was someone who people really cared about or not or was she just a burden to everyone she was near.

Entering class she already knew the grade that was going to be put back down on her table, probably a big read 0%. She had no confidence in her writing assignment, she did love writing essays and this one was something that she had done a lot of research into and it still felt like it could have been better and she could have written more.

But, when she flipped over the piece of paper on her desk she realized that it was a green 100% with a bunch of compliments on her writing. Flipping through just to make sure that she was 100% sure that she was actually looking at her own work Eva just blinked at the page.

After class when all the other students had left for their next class Eva walked up to Ms.Schmitz desk. “Are you sure you actually did this correctly?” Eva asked, putting her work on the table.

“Yes, I am pretty sure I did it correctly.” Eva’s teacher said, pushing it back towards her. “I think that you have a talent for making people pay attention in your writing to something. Even if it is as uninteresting as different energy transfers.” Ms.Schmitz finished with an encouraging smile.

Walking out of class holding her piece of paper that now meant the world, Eva was filled with a burst of enthusiasm.

⋆｡°✩☾ა ☆ ໒☾✩°｡⋆

Walking outside of a bookstore and knowing that her book was in there still brought joy to Eva. It had been years since Ms.Schmitz had convinced her to start writing and since then multiple of her books had become best sellers and she still enjoyed every book signing. And every time she looked at her work it still reminded her of what she did was truly her purpose in life to show that you could write a book no matter where you came from or what your grades had looked like. To show all those kids out there who were good at writing and didn’t shoot for the stars of writing a book that it was possible.

Barbieland (do you even spell it like that? pfft-) was known for one thing - its pinkness. Every inch of the realm was covered in very bright pink. The houses, also known as Barbie Dreamhouses or something similar to that (help I am not acquaintaind with Barbieland at all xD), have pink walls, pink floors, pink roofs, pink windows (maybe?), pink window shutters, pink doors, pink bathrooms, pink toilets, pink dressing rooms, pink bedrooms, pink door frames, pink living rooms, pink… everythings, basically. Did I mention yet that the furniture is also very pink? Well, I mention it now. Barbieland's Barbie Dreamhouses have every pink furniture in the whole wide world. Pink beds, pink chairs, pink desks that might or might not have been flipped by the Sage we all love (wink wink!), pink bookshelves, pink pencil cases, pink pencils, pink paper… are just some examples of how pink Barbieland actually is.
(151 words)

Barbie Challenge 4 ⟡ What Was I Made For?

Life became boring. The same routine every day, the same pretending and the same loving, the same sadness and the same rewards. She didn’t know whether this was a life worth living. Life was good for her, perfect even, and she was immensely grateful for that, but the questions kept racing through her head. Why her? Why was it she who had to feel this way? Why was the world this way? And so every day became chances to be happy and every night became chances to be productive. Things still didn’t work out.

She thought a bit too hard about these things. Played piano then nearly cried about how it made her feel. Thought too hard about the future and undeniable fates, thought too hard about love and twisted ways, thought too hard about society and who she really was. Who she loved. Could love. What she was holding back. But then, one ordinary night, she realised something.

Life isn’t going to make itself great for you.

You’ve got to make it great.

A silent vow, a new perspective and a wave of thankfulness. Life is the greatest thing that could happen to you, if you just let it happen. She had thought that everything she did was too useless to put effort in. But everything was everything, after all, and this was for her. Sure, this realisation didn’t mean she was all the way there yet, but she was prepared to give everything her all and love and laugh and write and play. She was prepared to make life great for others, too.

The next morning, she logged online and went to forums, writing down her story in the most dramatic way possible, wondering if anyone had suspected that this was about her. Something about her feels lighter. happier, more peaceful. Her mind felt cleared. She noticed the little things she should be happy about. The many posters on her wall, the stacks of books and little trinkets. The sun seeping in through the curtains and the tote bags heaped on her door handle. She paused for a moment, to take it all in.

Then she smiled.

───── ⋆⋅ ⟡ ⋅⋆ ─────

359 words

In Barbieland, everybody absolutely loves the color pink. In fact, everything is glitzy and glamorous and perfectly rosy! So, for this challenge, we’re going to experiment with monochrome in our own whimsical writerly way. If you select this challenge, you must write 150 words of a story. But there’s a twist—in the entire piece, you are only allowed to use ONE adjective. Good luck, Barbie!

_________________________________________________________________________________

Barbieland is pink. The grass? Pink. The clouds? Pink. The cars honk pink tunes down pink lanes leading to pink plazas filled with pink fountains. Nobody wonders why.

Each Barbie wakes in pink pajamas, slides down pink staircases, grabs pink toast, sips pink coffee, and skips off to pink jobs. Ken’s pink tie flaps in the breeze as he zooms past pink trees dropping pink leaves. (No one pays attention to HIM, though, Barbies are obviously the superiors. *wink wink nudge nudge*) A squirrel wears a pink beret and does not elaborate.

The mayor, always punctual, declares pink news while riding a massive pink hover-throne. Her assistant once wore teal earrings. No one speaks of him anymore.

Someone suggests green. Barbieland blinks. A pause. Then, pink banners unfurl and pink cupcakes arrive. Green is forgotten.

Pink rules. Pink comforts. Pink contains multitudes.

Everything remains pink.

One color. One destiny.

It's…

Pink.

Barbie challenge 4 : 350 words

Tears pool down my face as I stare down into the well. It was all a lie. Every breath, every word. All for show. I should’ve known better. Shouldn’t have believed the lies. A small, logical voice tells me that it’s all okay. That I couldn’t have known better. But the part of my heart that used to believe that everything will end up okay is long dead, has been for years. I remember back to something my grandmother used to tell me when I was little. “Not everything has a happily ever after. But that doesn’t mean we should stop trying for one.” My grandmother. Another person who is now gone. But her words trigger something inside of me. A fire of sorts.
Things might not end up well for me or anybody but that doesn’t mean I should give up the fight. Doesn’t mean I should make my hard work all go to waste. I stand up and wipe my tears. There’s at least one person who still wants my help. I pull on some shoes and run all the way to Marie-Lou’s house. She opens the door at the first knock and looks surprised but also relieved to see me.
“Hi. Are you okay?” She asks and I nod.
“I think I’m ready. Ready to fulfill my legacy.”
She smiles softly and lets me in. I follow her to the very bottom of her basement.
I step into the tube and Marie-Lou takes her place at the control deck.
“Juliet Elizabeth Baeton.” I hear her say, “Are you ready to begin your transformation for the greater good?”
“I am.” I reply and with those confirming words, Marie-Lou presses the button and the tube closes. After a few seconds, a sweet-smelling scent fills my nostrils and I am knocked out cold. But now I’m ready. In my unconscious form, I feel nothing. No dreams, no pain, barely even any consciousness. Just darkness. And when wakefulness rolls around and I look at my newly transformed self I don’t regret what could’ve been. I smile and embrace my new purpose.

no fancy header today because i want some critique hehe

this is the same scene from two different point of views, Sakura's and Nova's - you can critique one or you can critique both!

Sakura was hiding in the ceiling panels of the science lab. This was… completely, utterly, totally normal. (It was not.) Sakura thought that the ceiling would provide a better place to hide, and then later crash through for the element of surprise, but it was somehow worse than the vents. Anyways, she was thankful that she was wearing her tactical suit and not her nice school clothes. To be fair, she had an always be prepared mentality at school and would usually wear her jacket over the shirt she chose for the day.

Sakura could hear a scuffle happening below, and she guessed that it was the two self proclaimed superheroes Star and Crimson Hawk, and her evil chemistry teacher, Mr Lewis Harrison, who had plans to take over the world. Before she did anything else, Sakura did a quick weapons check and ensured they were where they thought they were, and firmly secured her mask to her face, which would hopefully prevent anyone from recognising her. Sakura’s position as a somewhat well-known figure skater would mean that she could be recognised by some random person on the internet should things get out. Sakura’s Agent Tsuki Miyazaki Zhang, Codename Ethereal persona was different to how she acted as her real self - instead of the elaborate hairstyles she wore as Sakura, Tsuki would wear simple and practical hairstyles, usually a ponytail or a braid. That was how she found herself now: her hair tied up in a ponytail, weapons at the ready, a mask covering part of her face, and an earpiece in her ear. “I’m going in,” Sakura said into her earpiece, hoping that friend-turned-trainee-agent Taylor Sanderson (who was monitoring comms) would hear her. “You might want to call for backup.”

“Copy,” came the reply of Sanderson. Sakura knew that both Taylor and Artemisia were currently hiding in an empty classroom, Artemisia trying to get any camera footage to save onto a different computer while Taylor had handed her a ridiculously long and unnecessary report on how best to take advantage of her evil chemistry teacher’s psyche. She didn’t read it.

Sakura switched on her voice modulator, before slowly lifting up the ceiling panel. Looking down, she could clearly see the kerfuffle that was happening between the two self proclaimed superheroes, Crimson Hawk and Star, and her chemistry teacher. They were not having a good time with this. Sighing, Sakura dropped through the ceiling, landed on the floor and took the advantage of surprise.

“Where the heck did you come from?” Someone asked, clearly confused at Sakura’s sudden appearance. Sakura ignored them, focusing on the task at hand. She swung her body around Mr Harrison, her somewhat evil (definitely evil) chemistry teacher, throwing him against the wall. Someone screamed. Mr Harrison groaned.

“Arms behind your back,” Sakura ordered, as she put the handcuffs on him. She was a little jumpscared by the way her voice came out, but quickly recovered. “You’re under arrest for conspiring against the government and as a threat to both national and international security.”

“Who… who the hell are you?” Harrison groaned as Sakura firmly secured his handcuffs.

“Agent Miyazaki,” Sakura said, using her primary alias.

“Miyazaki!” A new voice called, and Sakura could see her partner, Agent Sasha Wilder, emerge through the door. “He’s down?”

“He’s down,” Sakura affirmed, before releasing her grip against Harrison. “He’s all yours now, Winters,” Sakura added, addressing Sasha by her primary alias, before handing him over to Sasha.

“Meanwhile, you-” Sakura said, glaring at the two self-proclaimed superheroes in the room, “- should learn to not interfere.”

“What?” Said Star, clearly confused. “We were doing just fine before you came in the room,”

“You,” Sakura hissed, “were interfering. And you were almost about to get slammed.” She turned and left the room without saying another word.

-

Nova thought they were doing quite fine, thank you very much, trying to take down the evil chemistry teacher. What happened after, she wasn’t sure, but she and Sora were sure trying to stop some kind of crazy world ending disaster from happening. That is, until someone crashed through the ceiling.

It was hard to tell who the person was, dressed in all black. “Where the heck did you come from?” Nova exclaimed, confused. This was supposed to be her mission, not-

The next thing Nova heard was groaning from Mr Harrison as he was pushed firmly against the wall, the intruder grabbing some handcuffs from her utility belt. “Arms behind your back,” a not-quite-human, clearly modulated voice said. “You’re under arrest for conspiring against the government and as a threat to national and international security.” The way they spoke was clearly authoritative, but Nova still didn’t know who they were.

“Who… who the hell are you?” Mr Harrison groaned as the new person kept him pressed against the wall.

“Agent Miyazaki,” came the reply.

“Miyazaki!” A new voice called, and the intruder - Agent Miyazaki - turned to face the doorway. “He’s down?”

“He’s down,” Agent Miyazaki affirmed, and Nova noticed the agent had released her grip on Mr Harrison, passing him over to the newcomer, who was dressed similarly to Agent Miyazaki - sans mask. “He’s all yours now, Winters.”

Suddenly, Nova could feel Agent Miyazaki’s eyes look directly at them. “Meanwhile, you should learn to not interfere,” Agent Miyazaki said, glaring at her and Sora.

“What?” Nova was confused. How could she have known that this was going to happen, that whoever this agent was was going to come in and show her up? “We were doing just fine before you came into the room,” Nova added.

“You were interfering,” Agent Miyazaki hissed. “And you were almost about to get slammed.” Then, Agent Miyazaki turned and left the room without another word.

────────── ☆ ──────────

i'm not sure what my dream house would look like. i'd want it to be small but also large at the same time. it kind of just depends on my mood, though i guess i'll describe what one of my dream houses would look like. it would have a lot of rooms. there would be a large library full of all my favourite books, maybe a cinema, maybe even an indoor pool. i would love for there to be a few secret rooms and lounges that i can just relax in after a long day. there would be lots of pillows. everything would look rather cozy and it would smell good smells. yeah i don't know what's classified good smells but it would make me feel calm. i love variety so maybe there would be different styles of furniture in each room? i think that would be cool. overall, it would be a calming place to relax but also have tons of fun. there would be a lot of space, too.

crystie entered the dream house. her first thought was, woah. is this real? realistically, if i were to enter my dream house, i'd probably pinch myself a few times and wonder if i was dreaming. though, i guess it is called a dream house for a reason. anyhow, she entered the place with sparkles in her eyes. she immediately caught eye of a bookshelf. she rushed to the bookshelf and inspected all the books on it. it had so many of her favourite books, along with some she hadn't read before but thought she would like. she went to grab a book when she accidentally slipped and pushed the shelf aside. don't ask how. she can be rather clumsy. it was okay, though, since she revealed a secret passage! isn't that cool? curious, she entered the passage, hoping it didn't lead to some terrifying place. thankfully, it didn't end up leading to some terrifying place, but rather a cozy lounge that smelled of mangoes. bean bags and pillows were strewn about everywhere and fairy lights hung from the ceiling. there were even more books and bookshelves inside, which made crystie's eyes sparkle. she grabbed a random book –– or more accurately, searched ten minutes for a book that suited her mood before eventually growing tired and picking a book at random –– and sat on a bean bag, ready to spend the rest of the day all cozy and great.

409 words

────────── ☆ ──────────

◆◇◆◇◆ REMINDERS ◆◇◆◇◆

Ushio Tsukinoki is constantly reminded of the fact that she wasn’t born as a she.

It starts small, as all things do. Ushio has finally settled into her life as a girl. It was hard, and she still faces criticism, but for the most part she’s able to enjoy it. For that, she smiles.

Her joy is short-lived, for when she goes home, suddenly everything reminds her of her life before she transitioned, before she changed into who she is now, before when she had an identity she didn’t feel right in.

The school picture from primary school framed on her bedside table reminds her of when she was a boy.

The awards from track hanging on the wall reminded her of when she participated in boy’s sports, the words ‘Boys Track Team’ on her awards almost mocking.

At that moment, that entire room was wrong. That entire room didn’t belong to her. Everything in that room belonged to her before found a gender identity she was comfortable with. But that was still her, she could be a girl, that’s what she wanted, but she’d never truly be one. Even if she got surgery, it’d never truly be able to get rid of what she was born as.

When she held her past track trophies in her hands, she cried. The type of cry where your shoulders shake and your chest heaves, the type of cry where you just can’t stop. The type of cry where you can’t do anything but wallow in your own despair.

She loved track, she loved that part of her past life. But, she wasn’t willing to participate in the Boys’ Track team anymore, because she wasn’t a boy. But she couldn't be in the Girls’ Track Team either, because she had a biological advantage from being born a boy.

She’d never run again because she was born in the wrong body.

Why was God so cruel?

Even the sight of the walls was enough to make her break down. She painted the walls of her room blue when she was younger because it was a ‘boy-ish’ color, because that’s what she used to be. A boy. It wasn’t normal for boys to want to play Cinderella in the school play, it wasn’t normal for them to want to play with dolls, it wasn’t normal for them to want to be a girl.

So in the past, she did what was considered boy-ish.

She painted her walls blue to be a boy.

But she wasn’t a boy.

That day, she ran up to her stepmom and begged to paint her room’s walls white between tear-soaked gasps. Her stepmom didn’t question the tears, she smiled softly and nodded.

The next day, all of Ushio’s old pictures were in a box beneath her bed alongside her trophies. Her once blue walls were now covered in a layer of white paint.

Ushio Tsukinoki is a girl.

———

Ushio is reminded once again that she used to be a he.

It comes in the form of breaktime. Hoshinara’s desk is pressed against Ushio’s, she doesn’t mind. She smiles and nods at the chatterbox Hoshinara is. Her long ramblings were comforting, not annoying. The type of chatter that would be welcome, like the type you’d listen to on a podcast to put on as comfortable background noise.

Of course, even if you’re listening to a podcast, background noise can still seep in.

“Ushio-san!” A voice calls. Hoshinara abruptly cut off her speech. Ushio looked to the side to see one of her classmates, Suzuki. “I was wondering if I could borrow your textbook for next period? If that’s alright with you Ushio-kun!”

Kun?

“I-I meant san! Ushio-san!”

The girl gripped tightly onto the navy skirt that was wrapped around her waist, a skirt that hadn’t always been a part of her uniform. She didn’t always have a girls’ uniform. She wasn’t always a girl.

Ushio stammered out something along the lines of “Don’t worry about messing up, just try to remember it next time.” Before excusing herself to the bathroom, ignoring the call from Hoshinara.

Why couldn’t she have just been born a girl? Why did she have to be born this way? Why couldn’t she just be in the right body? Why was she bound to a body she hated? How was this fair? What did she do to deserve this?

Why couldn’t she just be born a girl?

Ushio-kun.

“The honorific ‘kun’ can be used for both genders!” She tries to console herself, “It’s just…more commonly used for boys.”

It’s then that she remembers that she’s not even in the girls’ bathroom. She’s in the multipurpose room because she can’t go to the bathroom. The boys’ bathroom isn’t right, the girls’ one is, but she can’t go in.

She used to go to the boys’ bathroom.

She was born a boy, not a girl. She wasn’t born in the way she was meant to be.

She cried the same type of cry that day.

It wasn’t fair she couldn’t have been born a girl. It wasn’t fair that this was the body she was stuck with. It wasn’t fair that her gender had to be transgender girl instead of cis female.

When she got home, she deleted every text message that said ‘Ushio-kun’ and crossed out the ‘Ushio-kun’ in every paper that had it.

Why couldn’t things be different?

Why did it have to be hard to be who she was?

God made a mistake.

She was born as Ushio-kun, not Ushio-san.

———

Ushio is reminded once again, in the form of her voice. It was one of the things Hoshinara and Sakuma mentioned shortly after her transition.

Are you going to speak in a higher register now?

She hasn’t tried to yet, her voice still remained low and husky as it always had been, but no one had commented on it in a while that she almost forgot her voice sounded that way at all.

Nearly everyone in Tsubakioka knew about her transition, and while there were still some people saying she’d never be a true girl (Ushio would never admit those comments hurt, or that she believed them sometimes), for the most part people didn’t comment on her voice, which in her opinion was the one thing that prevented her from passing as a biological girl.

So, this experience happened outside of Tsubakioka.

She was at the aquarium with Sakuma and Hoshinara, they had all agreed that they needed to get out of the house, and they decided on the aquarium. This was in a different town, considering the fact that there was practically nothing interesting in “rural” Tsubaikoka (She thought it was rural until Sakuma pointed out the fact there was a singular AEON mall).

“So, where do you wanna go first, Ushio-chan?” Hoshinara asked, practically bouncing up and down.

“Uh…I’m not too sure, maybe the clownfish?”

Just then, two high school boys passed behind the group, catching wisps of their conversation. Ushio paid no mind to them, there were plenty of people passing by anyways, but she couldn’t prevent herself from listening.

“Dude! Did you see that chick? The one with silver-blonde hair?”

“Wait, that was a girl?”

“Uh…yeah, she’s kinda wearing a skirt dude.”

“Oh, I mistook her for a boy because of how deep and husky her voice was.”

“Yeah, I guess I see where you’re coming from, you’d think a person with feminine features like her would have a soft, high-pitched voice.”

The pride that swelled in her chest at being able to pass as a girl was short-lived. The moment her deep voice was pointed out, the smile that crept up her face dropped, like a balloon being popped. She stared at the two boys, they were both laughing and teasing each other.

Even if she wanted to transition, something about her still wouldn’t go. Her voice, something that’d always be with her, would give her away. That one thing that prevented her from passing as a girl.

“Ushio-chan? Is everything okay?”

Ushio snapped back from her inner turmoil, staring back at Hoshinara.

A real girl.

What made her so different from Hoshinara? Why did Hoshinara get to be born as a biological female while Ushio didn’t? How was that fair? Why was Ushio different? Why did she get a body different from the one she was supposed to have?

She hated this body.

“Ushio-chan?”

Of course, Ushio could never hold ill will to the energetic, starry-eyed girl in front of her. Hoshinara didn’t do anything wrong, it’s not her fault Ushio was born a male. She wasn’t the one to blame, even if Ushio envied Hoshinara for being born in a body meant for her, she didn’t blame her.

If anything, the only person Ushio could blame was their creator.

God made a mistake.

———

“Ushio.”

She looks up from her summer packet, the numbers sprawled across in neat handwriting. There her childhood friend was, Sakuma Kamiki, who was the most supportive of her transition out of anyone else in school. It was expected, considering how long Ushio knew him for. Still, she couldn’t help but have thoughts that sometimes even Sakuma referred to her as a ‘he’ in his thoughts.

“Is something the matter? You’ve been zoning out a lot lately, and I’ve heard you attempting to speak in a higher register, is something wrong? Does it have to do with your transition?”

Sakuma was right on the money. Really, it amazed Ushio how perceptive he could be sometimes, considering the fact that Sakuma had misread a situation many times. Something she’d never be able to figure out about him.

Slowly, she nods. Still insecure about her voice, still not willing to speak, even if it was to her closest friend.

“What’s wrong?”

She doesn’t speak at first, she hesitates to tell. She doesn’t speak because she’s scared of judgement. She’s scared Sakuma is going to strengthen her thoughts of not being a real girl, even if she knows he’d never do it on purpose.

“Please?”

Suddenly, she can’t reject. Because she remembers his promise, his promise that he'd try to understand her, that he’d try to always be there for her. If he didn’t know what was wrong, how could he act on that promise?

“Sakuma…” She starts, and now intent eyes are on her. “It’s just…I keep being reminded of how I wasn’t always a girl, like…I keep getting reminded this wasn’t the way I was born. I keep being reminded of the fact that…I wasn’t born right. I was born in a body I hated.”

“It’s just…not fair. Not fair that I was born a boy, when I’m supposed to be a girl. I can act like I was always a girl, but I keep being reminded that I was once a boy. Why did God make me born this way?”

“Sakuma…” She looks up to her childhood friend, his eyes holding nothing but kindness. “Do you think I’m a real girl?”

For a moment, she’s scared he’ll laugh in her face and say no. But he smiles, gentle and soft.

“I think when you were born a boy, God realized he messed up and gave you feminine features.” Before he could be questioned, he continued. “When I first saw you in primary school, I thought you were a girl. I talked to our teacher and said, ‘What’s her name?’, she laughed and told me that you were a boy.”

He rubs his cheek, “I didn’t believe her at first, I really thought you were a girl—er, not that you aren’t one.” He smiles, “You were born looking like a girl, Ushio. You always were one, not by your chromosomes, but in every way that counts.”

He doesn’t fully understand, he never will. But the way he says it, his words feel real, genuine, they didn’t feel like words he strung together to make her feel better.

At that moment, Ushio felt like a real girl.

♖ | 1998 words

Challenge 2 — Cabin Wars

Word count: 384 words

. ⭑ . ⭒ .

It’s odd, existing in two places at once. You know you’re awake, but some part of the not-real you is also there. You don’t have any control. You barely register what’s going on, but you still exist.

What you do remember is going somewhere and feeling the awake-you drown in the sort of overwhelming loneliness you’ve felt only once before, and it’s strange how something that wasn’t your own feels so familiar—

-

You come to with a jolt. You’re underwater. You seem to be breathing with no equipment, which is bizarre.

“You’re telling me humans evolve to breathe underwater?” you ask, glancing at the crowd milling about you. It’s the most logical conclusion you arrive at.

They roll their eyes beside you. “Look,” they say, tapping at their neck. There’s a colorful mesh of circuitry that perfectly complements the skin.

“Oh,” you say, feeling at your own. “That’s cool.”

“Don’t poke too much,” they reply wryly. “You might suffocate.”

-

Blink, and you’re gone. Well, not gone. Somewhere else, more flabbergasting.

“There is no way we have talking bananas on Earth.”

“We don’t,” they reply.

“There’s no way in past, present or future we get talking bananas.”

“Would you like to try the chicken?” says the waiter. He’s also a banana.

“Placeholder here is a vegetarian,” they lie blatantly.

“Dude,” you hiss. “Eating him counts as being vegetarian.”

Their grin promptly slides off their face. “*. Didn’t think that one through.”

“You never think anything through,” you snark. “It’s why we end up in stupid situations like this.”

“You are so whiny,” they whine. “I’ll see you somewhere else.” They wave their hand dismissively, and you’re gone.

-

You dodge out of the way, narrowly avoiding a bullet.

“WHY ARE WE BEING SHOT AT?” you screech.

“Correction: you’re the only one being shot at,” they say, sounding far too collected and amused. “You must’ve made someone really mad; this isn’t even as bad as the purple sun time.”

“You’re doing this on purpose,” you say accusingly.

“Oh, Placeholder. Stop being such a stick-in-the-mud! Enjoy being the main character in an action flick for once. Look, I think that’s the Pentagon! Maybe you’ll even get to break into it.”

You groan. “I can’t wait to wake up somewhere else. I’m not built to be Walmart Tom Cruise.”

Sunbathing on logs, swimming through the crisp waters of lakes and rivers, and clambering upon muddy shorelines, she was everywhere. Her habitat range was extensive, and she knew her niche well. Each of her turtles had its nature, and each performed it perfectly.
They were residents of the freshwater, omnivores with great adaptability to different climates. Both predator and prey, their connection to the land ran deeper than the roots of the oldest trees.
They all looked pretty much the same, at least from the perspective of the average passing mammal. They all bore the same history. Though every individual had different experiences over the course of a day, their memories recombined when they communed, either in the weightless calm of sunlight or the deep, dark dreams of winter hibernation.
A human might call it meditation, but for the turtles, it was the basis of their lives, their default state of existence. Their bodies still as stones, they would let their minds expand past their brains. The strands of their separate thoughts would wind together like so many tendrils of vines, coming together from across vast swaths of space to create that identity which they all shared: Her.
And she was old. Young by turtle standards, but still millions of years. Individual turtles only lived a couple of decades, yet the collective memory lasted much longer, stretching back to the very dawn of her species, and sometimes even further, to hazier recollections of distant ancestors who dwelled in primeval lands. In her long life, she had seen countless other species rise and run and fade away. All the while, she abided. Turtles weren’t known for moving fast, and the course of their evolution certainly didn’t shift very rapidly. They had remained more or less unchanged for eons.
She watched as the world continued changing around her, as smaller beings flickered in and out of existence like sparks in the great fire of life. This fire was even more ancient than she was, and she felt its pulse within each of her carapaces. It was the incarnation of nature’s spirit itself.
Life and death and change, all in an ever-shifting balance. Everything was temporary, she knew, even turtles. It wasn’t always a matter of living longer, but of dying slower. She could accept this.
So she abided.

emmerson ash is apprentice to the lady’s portraitist, a position of much prestige for a man of his rumored background. and he would brag to you about the heights of his position in the court of the elm university, if you would listen. or even just step into hearing range. he does not discriminate about who will be subject to his brags.
but his is not a particularly elegant job, despite what he might want you to think. he is tasked mostly with mixing paints, stretching canvases, painting backgrounds, and attending courses. emmerson is dedicated to his craft, and with fervor completes any assigned painting the master painter gives him. his other duties he skirts, pawning them off to anyone who will take them, heedless of the lack of quality such disregard leads to.
he is in attendance in court, on trial, in fact, on the day the war bells ring.

Yayy it's come time for me to rant again because I simply am the only one online. Why do ducks walk up to lemonade stands expecting grapes? We all root for the duck to get their grapes, or even some lemonade, but of course he always waddles away. Why should he expect that, though? It was a lemonade stand, not a fruit stand. And the lemonade stand owner cannot be expected to just have grapes. The audacity of the duck, to ask for it day after day, after even being refused every day, because it's a lemonade stand, not a fruit stand. Furthermore, considering lemonade stands are usually run by kids, this duck was probably harassing a kid daily! It's not the lemonade seller's fault. I would be annoyed to! Well, I'd also be a bit more concern that a duck was coming to a lemonade stand and speaking english, let alone asking for grapes. But I digress. Is that even like, a thing? Do ducks really like eating grapes? Or is that just a thing made up by the song? I would google it but I'm busy writing words.

We might need to hire a merc because I really don't want to have to write another thousand words after these five hundred. I'm willing to write like, five hundred more, sure, but I don't feel like soloing anything again. Oh wait, someone else offered to do it? But they've been gone for like an hours so I don't know if they're still doing it. Last time we got that war I soloed it and I'm really tired because I just woke up and only got like six hours of sleep. Which for me is soooo little. (lmao I need like twelve and even then I don't feel well rested) I actually might get breakfast first and do some packing before I write towards that other war. Again though, we should utilize the mercs! Especially because we have one, so we don't really need to worry about spending all the mangoes too early. Again we can halve a war - lol the different kind of have! I'm going a bit crazy here. I literally wrote a whole paragraph about the duck song and how the duck is in the wrong.

Well now I'm just going to rant about things because I have no idea what to say. Although to be honest that's what I was doing before too, it was just more focused around a certain topic. Someone is on the phone downstairs right now. I know who. They speak very loudly. The phone was also on speaker. Also, oh no they're coming upstairs. I'm writing in my bed. Hopefully they're not here for me! They don't seem to be yet. I'm hungry. I think I should eat that mango. Shame I couldn't let it get riper. I still need to get a couple more words down. Ugh she told me to print stuff I have to finish writing and I want to eat my mango. If I ever look back at these I'm going to think I was so unhinged it's kinda funny but not even funny.

Writing Contest - 558 words

If I were to ever think back to that gloomy day in the dreaded month of July, when lightning cracked across the sky marking midnight and a brunette girl name who’s also Me watches as another girl’s last breaths are dragged out, I'm not sure I could ever be able to sleep again. That’s why I'm sitting in this chair in the first place, why I’m risking it all just to scrub my mind free. That memory could be the reason I end up laying dead on my floor, my last breaths being dragged. Better the memory be exterminated than me.

Understanding the need to destroy all evidence is a crucial step to accepting the fact that I am planning to erase my mind. But I don't need to, my instincts are already set to erase it. To erase all memory of her. I need to. Erase her, that is. They all ask me for more eyewitness accounts. More information. More evidence. More reasons to condemn the villain. I keep telling them that the villain isn't the villain, that they were framed. That I knew exactly who the true murderer was. Of course, the police don't listen to me. Who am I if not a deranged girl who just saw her best friend torn to pieces in a bloody mess. They never took me seriously, even when they continued to say that my words mattered. Clearly not enough for them to switch directions.

I made the decision to stop bringing the subject of the murderer’s identity up to the police when the first letter came. A threat. A threat that stole my voice. The next day I was subjected more interrogation but it was one-sided. I was scared that if a single vowel or consonant left my lips that I would never be able to speak again. Or breathe again for that matter.

If I erase all my memory of her then they would stop interrogating me. Then the true murderer would leave me alone. I wouldn't need to stay silent because then there would be no secrets that I could spill because I didn't remember. I wouldn't have ever seen her die. That girl who’s also Me was never there when the lightning cracker. Never, never, never. I would be able to sleep.

When they hand me the pills, I only hesitate a split second before putting them on my tongue. My eyes roll back, I fall unconscious. I see it all flash before my eyes in dreams and I scream and kick. Or at least, my consciousness does. My brain burns as I try to fight against my restraints. I changed my mind. If erasing her makes me feel like Death maybe Death would be better.

Then, the pain is gone as fast as it came. My mind is blank. It's like a cloud of confusion has washed my mind. My eyes slowly open. I don't know where I am or why I am or… a nurse is standing in front of me and helps me up. I didn’t know that I was sitting. She tells me I was forgetting something. I ask her what. She shakes her head. I decide I don't want to know.

July - Critique
Words Written: 476 (395 excl. intro)
Piece Critiqued: What Was I Made For? by Elly



Hi Elly! Thank you so much for letting me critique your piece of writing! I have been itching to do critique this session and have finally got around to it, ahaha. Anyways! I’m going to give you some general comments first, and then go paragraph by paragraph! My apologies if I come off as slightly harsh, please remember that this is just my opinion and you are in no way obligated to implement any of the suggestions I’ve put forwards here!

In general, I liked the way you started and ended the piece, and overall it has a nice linear flow to it, which was very easy to follow! I enjoyed the variation in paragraph structure too, which added some interest and effect to this piece.

Life became boring. The same routine every day, the same pretending and the same loving, the same sadness and the same rewards. She didn’t know whether this was a life worth living. Life was good for her, perfect even, and she was immensely grateful for that, but the questions kept racing through her head. Why her? Why was it she who had to feel this way? Why was the world this way? And so every day became chances to be happy and every night became chances to be productive. Things still didn’t work out.

I really like how you’ve opened this paragraph! I really enjoyed how you used repetition to create effect here, as it really emphasised what your character (who I believe is Barbie?) was feeling. From this, it was clear that she was feeling bored with her life and searching for meaning. However, I felt the last sentence here felt a bit jumpy. I haven’t seen the Barbie movie though, so I might be missing some important context here, ahaha.

She thought a bit too hard about these things. Played piano then nearly cried about how it made her feel. Thought too hard about the future and undeniable fates, thought too hard about love and twisted ways, thought too hard about society and who she really was. Who she loved. Could love. What she was holding back. But then, one ordinary night, she realised something.

Again, your effective use of repetition here continues and I really like that you chose to use this! It’s clear to me that she’s dealing with some existential crisis. However, I feel like there could be a bit more elaboration and expansion on her feelings in this part, and that your final sentence could be a separate paragraph which I think could be more effective, especially with the following two paragraphs.

Life isn’t going to make itself great for you.

You’ve got to make it great.

I loved the variation in paragraph length here. With them being spaced out like this, it’s really effective and to me, it feels like your main character is realising something and it’s hitting them hard. I loved this section! No need for improvement here.

A silent vow, a new perspective and a wave of thankfulness. Life is the greatest thing that could happen to you, if you just let it happen. She had thought that everything she did was too useless to put effort in. But everything was everything, after all, and this was for her. Sure, this realisation didn’t mean she was all the way there yet, but she was prepared to give everything her all and love and laugh and write and play. She was prepared to make life great for others, too.

The shift in focus here was really effective, and I like how you’ve used this paragraph to start exploring the shift that your main character has gone through! However, I feel like this section could be expanded and elaborated on as it feels a bit empty.

The next morning, she logged online and went to forums, writing down her story in the most dramatic way possible, wondering if anyone had suspected that this was about her. Something about her feels lighter. happier, more peaceful. Her mind felt cleared. She noticed the little things she should be happy about. The many posters on her wall, the stacks of books and little trinkets. The sun seeping in through the curtains and the tote bags heaped on her door handle. She paused for a moment, to take it all in.

I also felt like the focus shift in this paragraph was a bit too sudden, and it felt more rough and jumpy than the other paragraphs. However, I really enjoyed how you talked about how she felt after writing this down, and her attitude shift which I thought was really nice.

Then she smiled.

And finally, I like how you closed this! This is a really nice ending, and I really liked it! To me, this read as if she was finally happy and I really enjoyed that.

Overall, this was an awesome piece you’ve written, but you could have spent more time exploring your main character's feelings throughout. I hope this critique helped!

also proof for when i eventually have to add words here's the 3702 i wrote for my hour long unofficial war with hope

OKAY DOODLES we are back doing a one hour word war with hope again, but I’m splitting this into two parts so I don’t like, crash out and burn lol. Also this is for cabin wars so we will have fun with that! I’m going to brainstorm ideas for a few scenes in the first half hour, and then write the said scenes in the second half hour! Also ignore the fact I am uh. I’m supposed to be finishing the SMC at some point but you know, hey. I also have a ramble but then I would definitely need to send proof for this and I will not be posting anything incredibly personal and private on the internet for my own safety, so hey.

Anyways, I’m currently listening to AKB48 while doing this because I know they’re not kpop but they’re my ult group! Okay anyways back to brainstorming since I think that’s what we were here for. Also my WPM must be crazy for this first part because there’s no way I’m beating hope for this! I’m going to see how many words Rose has done for Utopian’s war first and add these words to this and then I’ll start on soloing Kat’s war. Anyways. It will be very fun! Also my music can I just say-

Okay. Right, onto brainstorming! I'm like so annoyed with myself because I came up with like such a great world idea last week and now I have no time to enter the writing comp unfortunately, which is really really sad. Anyways. Moving on! OMG IT’S SAKURA NO HIBACHI! anyways aside from that! I’m going to ramble about this new world for a while until I’m done with this part because we desperately need words and I need to rise really high on the trackbear, could I hit 50k by the end of the day? Also I need to seriously make up for my lack of words last cabin wars, I hit 8k last session on this day so I can definitely do that again! But let’s go with small steps first! Anyways.

Okay so this world! I literally need to flesh out these characters. They're so two sided and it’s just not fun. I want complex characters! Sakura I’ve got a good idea of what she’s like, but I really don’t have a good idea of the other characters Okay so let’s see! We have Nova surname I’ve forgotten, who’s also like. A superhero. Yes this entire thing is a childrens thing but ANYWAYS it’s kinda like my Atoll City verse expect I actually do stuff about things so you know, please take that as you will. Anyways. Moving on. Nova got her powers (which is like. light bending) after an accident in the school lab where she and Sora were the last ones out. Now they have cool magic powers and they’re superheroes now. Oh my gosh typing with my hands is so tiring oh my gosh sobbing I would like to switch to a keyboard my WPM go brr, anyways I’ll swap in a second, we’re nearing ten minutes. Anyways.

Okay I got too tired of writing with my tiny pesky keyboard so you know what we’re back to the whole thing for this! OH MY DAYS typing is going so slow at the moment, maybe it’s because of my awkward position. ANYWAYS what were we doing, brainstorming scenes? ah, sigh. Anyways back to brainstorming scenes!!!

Right the time is back on and it’s time to type! NEVERMIND good SPAG, that all went out the window the moment my keyboard appeared on the scene. Anyways we were going to brainstorm scenes I would write for the next what, twenty minutes? Okay, I can do that!! TIME TO DO THIS!! Also my ipad is about to die so uh someone send help omg I wanna go back to Suki to Iwasetai it was soooo good omg but I can’t have it on repeat for ages and ages and ages can I? NO.

Alrighty here we go!! So I need to write a scene somehow involving Sakura and I really want to do a write-the-same-scene from different POVs thing so I think that will be a very fun thing to try out this time! So I’m going to do that. I’ve done that already but I also just really love the exercise of rewriting the same scene over and over and over with new additions each time. Sakura’s also really cool. Did I not mention this?

RAWR incoherent rambling that future skylar has to decode. Urghhhhh. Anyways. WE MOVE ON!!!

So scenes I could write from multiple POvs will probably centre around my Weekly 3 verse and kinda fleshing out the school and Sakura and Nova and Sora’s roles in the whole kerfuffle with Mr Harrison that I established last time, hehe. Sakura is kinda patient, she can also get really annoyed so that’s her character I guess? Niova’s entire character is timid and shy and she’s kinda just there if you get what I mean? And then Sora who’s more of a leader, Sora tends to be more aggressive than Nova. And as for Sakura’s small circle of friends you have Artemisia and Taylor who both ave skills. Taylor’s good at diplomacy. She’ll get chosen for undercover work at some point in the future. Artemisia’s good for general field work, like Sakura. AND YES I couldn’t think of a better name for their agency like we’re just going to call it SHADOWY GOVERNMENT AGENCY okay like the Task Force Echo verse I already have. MOVING swiftly on. I think we need to establish the whole timeline of events here.

Okay. Sakur gets recruited when she’s twelve because uh honestly i don’t know twelve sounds like a reasonable age for this to happen, considering she’s already well trained by the start of the story. She’s also really good at figure skating because Sakura’s just like that. Anyways. Sakura gets recruited and she gets trained. THENNNN she starts High School and that’s a fun experience because she meets Artemisia and OH MY GOSH I have to make my iPad last like 13 minutes on this and then I can take a break from writing so aggressively someone please can and do send help, sobbing. Anyways okay let’s go!!! alright so Sakura meets Artemisia and Taylor and they become friends. This is like two years later by the way.

Okay and then a lovely thing called A Lab Accident happens close to the start of the story.. Sora and Nova were in the science lab, but all of a sudden, they have to get out as there’s a serious accident, chemicals do chemical stuff and WHEEE they have power now. Also this happens like. Sophomore year of high school close to the Summer, so Sora and Nova spend all summer figuring out their powers and enter junior year as that.

And then!! Our delightful Sakura then gets told that HEYYYYY so uhm we found out that your chemistry teacher is evil because it’s always the chemistry teachers guys I’m sorry, it’s always them. So yeah, her chemistry teacher Mr Harrison is evil so she basically has to go spy and grab evidence on him, and she’s reporting to (or well her official partner) Sasha Wilder, who is 18 and just done with high school! Sasha has been there when Sakura was in Sophomore and Freshman years, but now she’s like grown out firmly yayokay that was a bit of a detour. Okay so back to the point whileI keep Suki to Iwaseti on repeat, ahaha. Anywayssss. Sakura ends up spying on Mr Harrison, and he releases his Evil Plan Early so Sakura ends up hiding in the ceiling with Artemisia and Taylor doing comms for her (she has told the two of them about this by now) and then Sasha shows up. YAY that’s the main thing here, so yippee!!

Okay with that done I have ten minutes left to spend rambling about anything and anything and i think we’re going to go with talking about AKB48 or like IZ*ONE or something because that’s what's currently playing omg SUKI TO IWASETAI it's so goood omg i’m sobbing alright anyways back to this!! I WANNA RAMBLE ABOUT SUNSHINE BAY LET ME RAMBLE ABOUT THIS WORLDDDDDDD.

Okay I wanna write more scenes involving the trains because they’re so chaotic and I just wanna see my characters suffer through the train delays because they're me and I need to see the suffering my train to London gets cancelled lol. I think I’ve done this once before but I need to integrate this into the story sobbing. Anyways, we're going to be writing about a lot of strikes this coming half hour!! I think. I should hope. Anyways I hope that’ll be okay as far as I’m concerned right now someone please say that it’s all okay!!! alright let's go further on. this yap!! Okay, I have five minutes left, what else can I write? OH I NEED TO WRITE MORE FLUFF SCENES but uh guess who doesn’t have any inspiration to write said fluff scenes? Me. YEs, you guys guessed it right. I have no motivation or ideas to write these but I LOVE THESE CHARACTERS like yes my other universe are cool but Sunshine Bay is just cooler, I’m sorry. Anyways we’re going to continue to talk about these characters. I REALLY need to include a Renee fluff scene with her child because ALLY. IS. ADORABLE. Like Ally should visit the hospital or something, wait, that's actually not a terrible idea. OKAYYY and we also need to include something about Aliana and Alfie because they’re just such a cute brother sister duo in the universe oh my gosh, they’re my favourites to write about!!

okay three minutes left here’s what i’m going to write for the next half hour: I'm going to write a few of the scenes in my weekly three universe form different perspectives, and then I’m going to write the the scenes from the Sunshine Bay universe because the world needs more fluff from those guys, they’re so adorable and I love them so much. Okay. Yay!! SCREW IT I have two words left and I’m pretty much going to end up soloing this 2k word war if I'm not careful so I can add these words to the other war? it should give me enough time to go grab lunch and come back up and finish writing though!! Also depends on how much Rose has written as well so there’s that! OH MY GOSH my fingers are hurting typing this oh my gosh sobbing how am I not typing this faster ARGHHHH anyways i’m literally out of ideas now i’m just rambling and I don’t know how to keep the ideas flowing screams less than a minute now i think it’s okay if i stop here? Yeah, I have no ideas and I think it would be okay to stop here, ahahah. That sounds good!! I also need to proof this so yeah-

Okay. We done.

OKAY here we go, we’re back for part 2 and I know I said I’d write some scenes but I really don’t know if I have the capacity to, sobbing. I’m currently trying to solo a 2k war because Apocalyptic pulled a silly and we decided that we’re going to do three wars at once and after this I’m probably going to have to help Zoe with her 3.5k war (sorry Zoe!!) but yeah, this war is mine and I have to write so much for it!! Which I can do in half an hour so it’s not really a problem? Except that when I’m writing scenes I can’t really write that fast, not unless I have some prompts so it doesn’t feel helpful to be writing scenes because it involves much brainpower right now. I think what I’m going to do at the moment is just do more brainstorming and come up with some prompts to do for the rest of cabin wars and after this I need to go back and do more maths. Yeah, maths and writing is the story of my day, sobbing Anyways, that will\ be it, just a pure half hour block of more brainstorming and more rambling. The thing is, I love writing like it, and it is very fun and I think I’m going to hit almost 4k for this which is a crazy amount for a cabin wars, if I’m right - I’m close to beating my all time cabin wars record of just over 8k, so uh, sobbing. Anyways!! BACK TO THE BUSINESS! We’re going to be brainstorming prompts for anyone to use! Well, mainly myself.

So firstly probably character development would be a good thing to think about. Character development is awesome and I love it when I get to do these things. And so I think I can definitely do more stuff on character development! I think just by writing short scenes featuring the characters would be super helpful in this. My characters are… I love them, but they all feel like they have a similar personality and they really shouldn't, uh, you know.

Anyways!! For each character I'm going to write a scene with them interacting with other characters and that interaction will then help me write better! OH and I also have some critique I need to get back to Elly as a part of cabin wars, I’m hoping these can go on as a part of cabin wars? And my critique tends to be incredibly rambly so that’s also a thing I’d have to consider. Oh, look, High Tension just came on. We love high tension!! anyways I’m locked into brainstorming for he next half hour so I might cry a bit here- anyways-

Moving on!!! We're going to talk more about my characters and hopefully flesh them out? Right now, I want to focus on Sakura and her gang and flesh them out in terms of their character and hopefully that’ll give me a better idea of how to write them when I actually get around to writing them in a bit! Okay wow I am typing incredibly fast. This is one hour of writing I’m trying to do and also yeah, I’m running from my maths problems because I made a mistake. Anyways!!!

Firstly, we have the wonderful Sakura Xiaoliu Miyahira-Zhuang!! Sakura, known professionally as Sakura Miyahira, is one of the teenage protagonists of this story! She’s sixteen, a rising star in the figure skating world which she did just for fun, and now she is well and truly heading for the olympics so you know, fun and scary times- Anyways! Sakura is also a field agent for the ICIS, which yes… they recruit children. Because. I don’t know why. THIS ISN’T SUPPOSED TO MAKE SENSE, NONE OF THIS IS. All I am going to say is that this is a plot reason thing and you’re supposed to Not Question this thing, so you know. Take that as you will.

Anyways I’m now listening to the produce 48 soundtrack as I type out the rest of this and anyways. It is very fun. BUT LIKE. THIS IS NOT THE POINT. WE ARE SUPPOSED TO GO BRAINSTORMING. I SCREAM.

Anyways. BACK TO THE POINT OF THIS this ramble has become very unwieldy and before I go off on a produce48 and girls planet 999 were so rigged rant, and akb48 was done so dirty thing, IIIII am going to poke myself back to the present and continue to type up this ramble!! which has become incredibly long and rambly, someone remind me why this is being done on my bed instead of at my desk? regardless!!

wow i just distracted myself with heavy rotation and no i love that song so much like actually sobbing - urgh i still have twenty minutes left on this but it’s okay!!! we’re going to get this one done!!! alright.

ANYWAYS it is up to me to ramble myself out of this for the next twenty minutes. It’s unlikely that i’m going to hit 2k in twenty minutes, that would mean I’d have a stupidly fast WPM, which I do not have. My WPM is 50, but I think it has been slightly higher at times? Anyways my typing position is not the best to swap and redo things!! I SHOULD get back to doing maths soon oh my gosh i’m so tired and I want an ice cream or something yikes arghhhh

Okay!! uh back with rambling about my characters I think I was talking about my characters before I got distracted by my music taste but to be honest I need to write this much anyways so I’m just going to write about my music taste because I’ve listened to enough AKB48 to have Opinions about stuff now and it’s quite fun!!

ALRIGHT!!! Let’s talk about AKB48's songs - they’re all absolutely stunning, my first love was Love Trip which I fell in love with while going though the Team SH discography and I love it so so so much!! Then Sentimental Train came along and I love that song so much, I love Iwake Maybe as well because of the different vocals and it just has a depth that most other AKB48 songs don’t have? I love the style of AKB48’s music: catchy, simple tunes with simple harmonies and it’s also very much a schoolgirl vibe which I love so much and yeah!! Another one of my favourites is Kuryami which I love so much. And I also loved Kuze no Fuiteriu or whatever that was called again, this is for a word war so I don’t have that much time anyways.

Another one of my favourites is Heavy Rotation! This one was definitely a grower, it wasn’t an instant favourite for me but after seeing the videos of IZ*ONE performing this song and then of it being performed on produce 48 I will say that this song has won a special place in my heart. Also like, yeah. Anyways. Nothing more said! OH I ALSO LOVE SKAURA NO HIRABACHI!! It’s their first release and it was so so good!!

Speaking of IZ*ONE, now’s the perfect time to start rambling about these guys! I love IZ*ONE so much, and Suki to Iwasetai has my heart! It’s so jpop, but the music video screams kpop and I love it? Like, this is what IZ*ONE is SUPPOSED to be, a crossover group between the two cultures and Produce 48 did AKB48 so dirty with everything and urgh… anyways!! SUKI TO IWASETAI can live in my heart forever and ever and everrrr I love it so much! Yes, Airplane used to be my favourite IZ*ONE song but it’s Suki to Iwasetai because I like Jpop more than Kpop now!

OH AND TALKING OF AKB48 AND JPOP… we should talk about AKB48’s amazing sister groups! I mainly listen to Team SH and Team TP’s music, and they’ve released some amazing original singles. I think my favourite singles come from Team TP, it’s a lot less rap while with Team SH there’s a lot of rap and it’s just- not my style? Although, RIVER has a lot of rap and I still love that song so, you know, take it as you will-

I also need to start listening to the Sakamichi series as well!! I’ve heard their music is good so I’m going to listen to Nogizaka46 at some point soon. BUT back to my ramble about AKB48… like the group has such an amazing system for such a large group - there’s so many of them, and yet it works so well! Graduated members can graduate while new members can come in, and everyone’s having fun with their songs because they’re catchy and they’re simple and they’re very fun to sing! I may have found myself singing Sentimental Train a lot recently… anyways!! moving on with the rest of this ramble!! Basically, in short, AKB48 is very cool and you should listen to them more hehe.

OOPS I have six minutes left and then I will find out how much I need to write towards a critique okay so uh- anyways!! Let’s go!! I will say that Team SH has the better covers out of the two mandarin groups, as the songs TEam TP covers are different to the songs that Team SH covers and the SH songs tend to be classics. Although, I know Team TP were going to release some of the classics as well. But between them they have a solid amount of discography covered! So I can have Mandarin versions of both songs!! YAY!!! Songs I WISH they would cover are Sakura no Hirabachi as that’s just an AKB48 classic and you can’t not cover that sigh…. although. Yeah. I think I’m done with this rambling and I swear my arms are getting so tired now ARGHHHH okay four minutes skylar you can survive four minutes right?

Also speaking of this stuff. I will just say that Kurayami has just come on and STU48 were the coolest for performing on a boat? Like gosh that was so cool of them to do, ahaha. And yeah. I wish that other AKB48 groups could do cool stuff like that but their permanent theatres are cool enough, I guess. And also the fact they perform every night is really cool too. Although I find it so sad that I’m just getting into them as their popularity is declining sobbing. Oh well. They’ll go through a revival - the group is so large, sobbing. And their sister groups are doing fairly well from what I can tell? Okayyyy that’s enough ramble for now, the timer’s about to go off but I think I’ve solidly beaten Hope by a good 1k words now and yeah my arms need a delightful break. Sigh.

One minute left. Okay. You know what, I’m just going to call it here because I am definitely tired from all this typing. I’ll come back after I do a maths thing.

Critique for Skylar ⟢ 597 words

───── ⋆⋅ ⟡ ⋅⋆ ─────

Hi Skylar! Thank you for letting me critique this piece <33 I'm really excited to read it! Straight away, this writing gives off a spy sort of vibe that feels really intriguing! I can be a little harsh sometimes when writing feedback, so please don't take it personally ;D

Sakura was hiding in the ceiling panels of the science lab. This was… completely, utterly, totally normal. (It was not.) Sakura thought that the ceiling would provide a better place to hide, and then later crash through for the element of surprise, but it was somehow worse than the vents.

I really like the opening sentence, and the writing style/tone! Since you already used Sakura I think it would flow a bit more to replace the second ‘Sakura’ with ‘she’. The ‘And then later crash…’ phrase felt a little out of place, maybe replace the ‘and’ with ‘so she could then later etc etc’ and the element of surprise part in brackets, but that may just be personal preference to make it flow more.

Anyways, she was thankful that she was wearing her tactical suit and not her nice school clothes. To be fair, she had an always be prepared mentality at school and would usually wear her jacket over the shirt she chose for the day.

Cool cool cool no doubt no doubt no doubt (sorry, I just wanted to make a reference-) This part is great! Maybe to make it a little clearer you could add a ‘so’ after ‘and’ and before ‘would’ <3

Sakura could hear a scuffle happening below, and she guessed that it was the two self proclaimed superheroes Star and Crimson Hawk, and her evil chemistry teacher, Mr Lewis Harrison, who had plans to take over the world. Before she did anything else, Sakura did a quick weapons check and ensured they were where they thought they were, and firmly secured her mask to her face, which would hopefully prevent anyone from recognising her.

Love this! One small comment, ‘they were where they thought they were’ got a bit confusing, changing it to ‘they were where *she* thought they were’ would make it easier to understand. (Sorry for assuming pronouns)

Sakura’s position as a somewhat well-known figure skater would mean that she could be recognised by some random person on the internet should things get out. Sakura’s Agent Tsuki Miyazaki Zhang, Codename Ethereal persona was different to how she acted as her real self - instead of the elaborate hairstyles she wore as Sakura, Tsuki would wear simple and practical hairstyles, usually a ponytail or a braid. That was how she found herself now: her hair tied up in a ponytail, weapons at the ready, a mask covering part of her face, and an earpiece in her ear. “I’m going in,” Sakura said into her earpiece, hoping that friend-turned-trainee-agent Taylor Sanderson (who was monitoring comms) would hear her. “You might want to call for backup.”

You genuinely explained this so well and the pacing was perfect! There are some jumpy parts though, maybe to make it clearer replace ‘usually’ with ‘for example’ to make it resonate more.

“Copy,” came the reply of Sanderson. Sakura knew that both Taylor and Artemisia were currently hiding in an empty classroom, Artemisia trying to get any camera footage to save onto a different computer while Taylor had handed her a ridiculously long and unnecessary report on how best to take advantage of her evil chemistry teacher’s psyche. She didn’t read it.

To specify who ‘she’ is, you could expand that last sentence to something like ‘As per usual, Artemisia didn’t read it.' I love the plot, by the way! The storyline is really gripping and keeps me interested. I'm asking lots of questions - in a good way - and I'm excited for her to jump out of the ceiling - in a definitely normal way, cough cough.

Sakura switched on her voice modulator, before slowly lifting up the ceiling panel. Looking down, she could clearly see the kerfuffle that was happening between the two self proclaimed superheroes, Crimson Hawk and Star, and her chemistry teacher. They were not having a good time with this. Sighing, Sakura dropped through the ceiling, landed on the floor and took the advantage of surprise.

You could make the last sentence seem a little more dramatic, because this feels like Sakura is just entering with no energy, just a sighing person levitating down. The commas are a bit strangely placed in this for the flow of the writing, the first comma after ‘modulator’ could maybe not be included and the ‘Crimson Hawk and Star’ part could be changed to ‘Crimson Hawk, Star, and her chemistry teacher.’ But it's up to you since that could confuse readers on who the two self-proclaimed superheroes are.

“Where the heck did you come from?” Someone asked, clearly confused at Sakura’s sudden appearance. Sakura ignored them, focusing on the task at hand. She swung her body around Mr Harrison, her somewhat evil (definitely evil) chemistry teacher, throwing him against the wall. Someone screamed. Mr Harrison groaned.

LOLL I love this! (Of course the chemistry is evil /mj I'm not going to bring my beef with chem into this-) You could drag out the action a bit more. What are Sakura's emotions? Is she struggling? Does she wipe her hands down after?

“Arms behind your back,” Sakura ordered, as she put the handcuffs on him. She was a little jumpscared by the way her voice came out, but quickly recovered. “You’re under arrest for conspiring against the government and as a threat to both national and international security.”

“Who… who the hell are you?” Harrison groaned as Sakura firmly secured his handcuffs.

“Agent Miyazaki,” Sakura said, using her primary alias.

“Miyazaki!” A new voice called, and Sakura could see her partner, Agent Sasha Wilder, emerge through the door. “He’s down?”

“He’s down,” Sakura affirmed, before releasing her grip against Harrison. “He’s all yours now, Winters,” Sakura added, addressing Sasha by her primary alias, before handing him over to Sasha.

“Meanwhile, you-” Sakura said, glaring at the two self-proclaimed superheroes in the room, “- should learn to not interfere.”

Ohhh I get it now! She's a force to be reckoned with and I love it ahah

“What?” Said Star, clearly confused. “We were doing just fine before you came in the room,”

“You,” Sakura hissed, “were interfering. And you were almost about to get slammed.” She turned and left the room without saying another word.

This is great! Maybe you could add a bit more with the heroes, as in, she left the room, leaving the two fakes to sort themselves out.

-

Nova thought they were doing quite fine, thank you very much, trying to take down the evil chemistry teacher. What happened after, she wasn’t sure, but she and Sora were sure trying to stop some kind of crazy world ending disaster from happening. That is, until someone crashed through the ceiling.

It was hard to tell who the person was, dressed in all black. “Where the heck did you come from?” Nova exclaimed, confused. This was supposed to be her mission, not-

Ooh I love this parallel! The voice of this writing is paced so well and is really suitable for the character. Well done!

The next thing Nova heard was groaning from Mr Harrison as he was pushed firmly against the wall, the intruder grabbing some handcuffs from her utility belt. “Arms behind your back,” a not-quite-human, clearly modulated voice said. “You’re under arrest for conspiring against the government and as a threat to national and international security.” The way they spoke was clearly authoritative, but Nova still didn’t know who they were.

This is really good, but I feel like you're repeating a lot of things that have already been said/happened. Maybe elaborate more on Nova's side of the story.

“Who… who the hell are you?” Mr Harrison groaned as the new person kept him pressed against the wall.

“Agent Miyazaki,” came the reply.

“Miyazaki!” A new voice called, and the intruder - Agent Miyazaki - turned to face the doorway. “He’s down?”

“He’s down,” Agent Miyazaki affirmed, and Nova noticed the agent had released her grip on Mr Harrison, passing him over to the newcomer, who was dressed similarly to Agent Miyazaki - sans mask. “He’s all yours now, Winters.”

This is great recounting, but expand more on what Nova thinks. For example, you could add something like 'Without acknowledging the two heroes in the room, Agent Miyazaki passed him over to the newcomer."

Suddenly, Nova could feel Agent Miyazaki’s eyes look directly at them. “Meanwhile, you should learn to not interfere,” Agent Miyazaki said, glaring at her and Sora.

“What?” Nova was confused. How could she have known that this was going to happen, that whoever this agent was was going to come in and show her up? “We were doing just fine before you came into the room,” Nova added.

“You were interfering,” Agent Miyazaki hissed. “And you were almost about to get slammed.” Then, Agent Miyazaki turned and left the room without another word.

I really like this! Maybe Nova could feel a little more misled, though?

Overall, this was such an enjoyable piece to read! I love the pacing and how the characters were portrayed.

───── ⋆⋅ ⟡ ⋅⋆ ─────

400 points