It had been a couple days since Kestrelstar had disappeared. Yet, they didn’t want to do it. They couldn’t simply scale the pyre and admit defeat, not this soon. No. No. They couldn’t. Stumbling into their den at the end of the day and curling into its nest, they noticed an absence beside it. Bee. Bee wasn’t there- had he disappeared too? Its pulse rocketed, and they dragged itself to their paws, eyes flying wildly around. The ragged deputy dashed out of the den, tripping on its paws and sliding to a stop as they caught its mate’s eyes from across camp. He was just right there. That was all, and Trapperfury breathed a little easier. They sat, curling up beside Beetlesheen, and listened to the sound of him talking, his breath and heart right there. Not gone. Definitely not disappeared like his dad had. Bumping its head against the side of the other lightly, it smiled softly at him, knowing that he would smile back.

It had been a rough day. Poking its head into the apprentices’ den, Trapperfury smiled fondly at its three kids, all of whom would never act towards it as it had acted towards their own Dama. They were much better than it had been at their age, and it was glad for that. “Night, you three,” they whispered, even though it was sure they were all asleep by now. Backing out, it turned, clumsy paws twisting into the ways of each other as it made its way back to their own den, where Bee was already sleeping. It silently slid next to him, then glanced up, at the ceiling, in slight defeat. Today had been the last day. Tomorrow? Tomorrow they’d promised, told itself again and again… “Sorry,” they whispered, to the ceiling, but mostly to Bee. Just so it wouldn’t have to look at its mate and tell him that tomorrow was the day they pronounced his dad dead. “I’m so, so sorry.”

Trapperfury stood, raggedly, at the side of its partner, touching him lightly with a paw, just so he would know that they were there, nuzzling him, then brushing past, leaping up to the Volcanic Pyre so they could announce the next thing. Taking in a breath, it tried ona bitter smile, catching Bee’s eyes, then flicking to Bitterpaw, Royal, and Venture. Their grandfather was dead. Well– technically, their last surviving grandparent was missing. Possibly dead. Terracottascar was already gone, Charwood and Softpetal too, and Flourshingflame as well. Trapperfury’s gaze dashed to Sunriseglory once before it hissed and cast its gaze all over the clan. “Kestrelstar has been missing for.. Long enough, let’s say. I’m afraid that we have no choice but to treat him as dead. Which means I’ll be getting my nine lives from Starclan. Once I get back, I’ll..” it trailed off, eyes migrating to Bee’s again. “..We have two new warriors to be announced, and I’ll be choosing my deputy. You may all be dismissed.” It hopped down itself, brushing by their partner, their mate, and exiting, on their way to the next forever.

“ the truth is bulletproof “

Trapperfury.

Trapperfury…

It was different now. Trapperfury had been a name that, sometimes, they’d detested. Named after someone. Stuck in this place, stuck in fur that didn’t fit it. Trapperkit had just been a name, a name after someone else. Same for Trapperpaw. Trapperfury was a bit better, it was them. Trapperfury was what it had been for so long, for what, almost forty moons? Stars. They were getting.. Older. Forty-nine moons of living, forty-seven of those with Bee by its side, and now? Now it was becoming leader. Wasn’t that so cool? Trapperkit whispered in its ear, her voice echoing around. And Trapperfury opened its eyes and saw her. And him. Trapperkit and Trapperpaw, two younger versions of itself, were both there, little minis. Trapperkit grinned, Trapperpaw smirked, and Trapperfury sat there, tugging on a frayed strand of their sweater. “You really wanted this, didn’t you?” it whispered, closing its eyes momentarily, then staring at the ground and not at them. It was like the two of them were truly there. The two younger ones, standing there as if they were real. Voices in their head. Paws encircled its, and the kitten was sitting there, hugging its front left leg. “Yeah! You’re gonna be leader, ‘Fury!” Traperpaw inclined his head at them, chuckling. “I thought that Bee would be the most impressive thing I’d ever see. You thought that too, heck– I am you.” The apprentice puffed up proudly. “And guess what? We did that. Kit, Paw, and Fury. You did that, Trapperfury.” The apprentice version of them grinned, flicking an ear to the side, and glancing outwards. “I knew we’d get there eventually.” Their voice was softer now, and he glanced back at the two younger and older ones. “We stopped believing for a bit there, huh? But look at you now.” Trapperfury tugged at the threads of its sweater again, adverting their eyes. All apprentice them had been was brash, fighting all the time. Yet this side of him– this was what Bee had brought out in them. Trapperkit suddenly reached up, squishing their face in between her paws. “Don’t think like that! Get out there and show that meanie Sunrise how much better you are than him!” Trapperfury chuckled slightly at that. Trapperpaw moved closer. “Look down,” they told it, quietly. Trapperfury’s gaze moved down. Teetering at the very edge of a cliff, the ground so far away. Heights. Flying. The most impossible escape for it, and its eyes widened, backing away. Trapperkit giggled. “I guess none of us like heights!” Trapperpaw grinned wryly. “Now look up,” he offered, turning their own gaze to the sky. So it did. Trapperkit curled herself around to stare at the sky too, and Trapperfury, mouth gaping open, stared at the smattering of stars racing across the sky. It was only a few seconds of awe, however– or perhaps longer than they thought– before the two younger reached out and sent it tumbling over the side of the cliff.

“ me and who you say i was yesterday “

Nine of them stepped forward. Nine of them reached out and gave it their sentiments. Nine of them knew exactly what Trapperfury wanted. Nine of them knew exactly what it needed.

One of them was the first to call its new name.

“Trapperstar!”

“ have gone our separate ways “

Trapperfury woke up with a wide, unblinking expression on their face. No. That wasn’t right. It wasn’t Trapperfury anymore. That would be added to a collection that existed only in its head. To the little collective meetings that their younger selves liked to have, directly in their head. Little voices, Trapperpaw yelling at them to be more violent, Trapperkit grumbling about being a cooler deputy, and now Trapperfury. It was almost like they were right there, this time faintly. Trapperfury still has to be them, right? It couldn’t be Trapperstar. Not after this long. Not after Dama dying and… it couldn’t be. It would wake up and they would still be the deputy, they would still be there–

Trapperstar lifted its head in resignation.

“Now look up,” it whispered, alongside the voices of those long past gone.

“ i know i used to be crazy “

She was the one it would choose, it was sure. Trapperstar had padded into camp and immediately known, like Terracottascar was telling them. Telling it exactly who to choose. They scaled the rock, to the pyre, and stared out across camp. SItting there. Savoring the moment. The first time as leader. Truly leader, unlike the multiple missed sessions as deputy, crowning upon others their fate. Yet when it said this, this time, it was for one reason.

“–Ladybugshine.”

Then it looked up.

“ that’s fine, i’ve had a good run “

No. No no no no no no no no.

No.

It couldn’t be true.

Trapperstar would have given all of its lives, over and over again, just to see Venturepaw smiling again. They’d been his role model. His everything. It knew that.

Now he was there with glassy eyes staring.

“ the things you can’t erase “

Ha! Ha!

Trapperstar almost wanted to laugh. Because xe was dead. He was dead. “I outlived you, Sunriseglory. Isn’t that funny?” It was almost giggle-worthy. In fact, someone was giggling. Trapperpaw was, raucous laughter echoing through its head. Or maybe that was it. Though it sure felt like its younger sef was sneaking up on them again.

That was, until it no longer seemed funny, and they sat there all alone. He’d been the last. Sunriseglory had been the last sibling there. Wasn’t that funny? The last two of them still in Pyroclan. The ones who hated each other the most. Laughable, sure. Maybe in a different time, they could have laughed about it. But now? It simply just stared. Stared at the ground. For Venturepaw and Sunriseglory. Maybe it liked one more than the other, but…

Maybe they’d been wrong.

“ and took another road “

Trapperstar sat in its den, all alone. Tail curled around its paws, plucking at a loose strand of its sweater again. Thoughts of how its younger selves would act circled around in their head, and they sighed, softly. Its goggles were off to the side, as well as the collar and stockings, discarded. How long had those accessories been with them? Not as long as Bee had been, that was for sure– and the hat. That silly little cone-shaped hat. What was that? It was unsure if it even wanted to wear that, but… Free things? Trapperpaw snapped at it in their head, all of a sudden. “You know, maybe you should stop sulking. Only idiots sulk!” Trapperkit giggled. “Like you would know.” “HEY!” the apprentice roared, crossing his front legs quite.. sulkily. How ironic. Trapperstar decided to ignore them. But they were relentless, the voices wild. “You know…” Trapperpaw spoke up again, his imaginary voice quite loud in their ears. “You haven’t forgotten my brilliant advice, right? Because I can yell at you again if you want.” Trapperkit pushed him away, taking the spotlight. “Don’t listen to them! He’s an idiot! As previously established,” she giggled, grinning. “And it was totally my advice!” Trapperstar flopped down, turning to face the wall and closing its eyes. Yet it just kept imagining the two. Wow. Thinking with their eyes closed? Certain such a marvelous thing. So was sarcasm. “Yeah, so, I’m gonna say you don’t remember.” Wait. That wasn’t from either of them. Looking up, Trapperstar flinched. The newest addition to their feel-better-imaginary-spirit-friends/younger-selves. Not quite much younger than them sat Trapperfury, paws adorned with stockings, neck with collar, sweater there and goggles and hat on. The whole ensemble. Tilting its head to the side, Trapperfury stared into Trapperstar’s eyes curiously. “Wow, you’re soft,” it said bluntly, before sighing. Trapperkit and Trapperpaw were gone– no longer needed in Trapperstar’s imaginary world. Trapperstar grumbled, wanting to just erase them. But it couldn’t. It couldn’t just ignore Trapperfury– especially since it was the one thinking this up. Something they wanted to hear. “So.” Trapperfury stood, making its way in a circle around them. Trapperstar eyed it, then closed its eyes, still knowing that they were circling, knowing that was what it would do in this scenario. What it would do, no doubt. “I don’t know what happened, Trapperstar. What did we do?” Trapperstar ignored the voice, echoing in its ears, flattening them to its head. But it didn’t let the words stop. Didn’t stop imagining them, creating them. “We messed up, didn’t we?” Trapperfury stopped pacing. No longer circling, Trapperstar could see them. Knew exactly where it was, even if it wasn’t looking. That was just how vivid it was. Yet when it looked, finally, there was nothing there.

“ there’s somewhere else to go “

“I still hate you.” Trapperstar sat in Pyroclan territory, staring at the ashen sky. Looking up. “I still hate you, Sunny. And that hate will never go away. Ever. I can promise you that.” Tail flicking angrily behind them, it stood, trotting forwards. Towards the barren wasteland of the Barren Lands. Somewhere it could be itself.

Flopping into their nest at the end of the day, Trapperstar scowled. Scowled at the ground. Forgot.

Forgot how to look up.

“ you tell me time has done changed me ”

lyrics :: used to be young by miley cyrus