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ForeverAnAuthor
Scratcher
100+ posts

Darkness Within

Darkness Within

Part One

I hurried along an empty Hogwarts’ corridor, my face buried in a thick book. As I turned a sharp corner, I ran straight into two figures.
“Oh, so sorry!” I muttered, before glancing up at the people in front of me. My sharp blue eyes widened at the sight of the oddity Luna Lovegood, with a most unlikely companion. My book dropped from my hands, landing with a muffled thud on the ground.
I quickly casted my eyes onto the ground, too afraid to look up again.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered swiftly. “I didn’t know that you’d be here. I was- I was just heading to the common room. Ex- Excuse me.”
I tried to step pass the two in front of me, but Luna stopped me, genuinely smiling. I looked up at her, startled. After all, very few people smiled at me, like, for real. Some laughed at me, but never because they liked me. The few ones that did really smile were usually teachers, and occasionally, my reflection in the mirror, but that was even more rare than the teachers’ fleeting smiles.
“Oh, don’t worry,” Luna said mistily. “It was as much our fault as yours. Wasn’t it, Draco?”
Luna looked at her companion expectantly, but he just stared coldly at me as expected, his icy blue eyes boring straight through me.
Luna frowned a little, and bent down to pick up my book, while I stood there, frozen, staring back at him.
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them,” Luna read the cover. “Well, it is a good book, but it’s a shame that they never mentioned the Crumple-Horned Snorkacks or even—”
“Aquila Lestrange,” Draco said sharply to me, ignoring Luna. “You never saw us, do you understand? Not. A. Word.”
His voice was forceful, warning me of the dangers that would happen if I did not do as he said.
I nodded, ducking my head low.
Luna handed me my book and I quickly ran off. As I rounded another corner, I heard Luna say, “You shouldn’t do that.”
“I do whatever I please.” came the reply. “Anyway, she’s the daughter of Bellatrix Lestrange.”
“And you’re the son of—”
“I’m over that now.”
An unsatisfied huff followed that particular announcement.
I quickly hurried along the corridors, going deeper and deeper into the castle, through secret passages and hidden doorways, down flights and flights of steep stone staircases until I finally reached my destination.
I’d stopped in front of a seemingly empty stonewall.
“Cunning and sly,” I muttered, and the stone door slid smoothly open at the password. I stepped cautiously into the dim, green tinted room inside.
I rapidly skirted around the edge of the Slytherin’s common room, keeping my head down and trying not to attract any attention. As usual, it did not work.
“Lestrange!” yelled a pug-faced girl. “Come here!”
I closed my eyes, took a deep, calming breath, and slowly walked over to her, a forced smile planted on my face.
“Yes, Pansy?” I asked her, even though I knew what was coming.
She threw a stack of homework papers to me.
“Finish them by Monday,” Pansy snapped. “What are you doing, just standing there? Get to work!”
“Yes, Pansy,” I mumbled, and went over to a nearby table as Pansy and her cronies guffawed at the very sight of me.
I sat down and started doing homework. After I was done with Pansy’s, I pulled out my own and started on that too. Seconds, minutes, then hours crawled pass. When I was finally done with all the work, I looked up and realized I was all alone in the common room. The clock read 3:24 a.m.
I was just gathering up the papers when the stone door slid open and Draco stepped in, his midnight-blue cloak billowing behind him, and his head-boy’s badge glimmering on his robes.
He froze when he spotted me, standing stiffly in one corner with the paperwork in my arms.
“It’s already three in the morning, Lestrange,” he spat. “Shouldn’t you be… asleep? What are you still doing here?”
I showed him the homework, deciding that maybe the truth was the best for this case.
“Pansy asked me to help her with her work,” I said truthfully.
He raised his eyebrows.
“And you agreed?” he asked skeptically. “What sort of Slytherin are you, to do other’s dirty work for them?”
I hung my head and kept silent. Obviously it was a rhetorical question.
He strode over to me, and snatched the papers away.
I gave a little squeal of surprise, but I resisted the urge to take it back.
“What are you do—” I started, watching in horror as he stalked over to the still-blazing fireplace. “No!”
But it was already done. I stared in disbelief as my hours of hard work slowly curled to ashes.
And when I looked up from the fireplace, Draco was already gone.
That was about the time I decided I had enough. Anger and resentment boiled up in me. I wasn’t going to stay here and let myself be push about. I was leaving.
I walked slowly over to the stone door, and it slid open at my touch. I proceeded along empty corridors, up long passages, and into the Great Hall.
I went over to the big castle door hoping it would be easy to open, but it had a big chain and an even bigger lock on its handles.
“Alohomora,” I muttered. The lock did not budge. “Relashio. Diffindo!”
Finally, I got an idea.
“Defodio!”
The lock landed on the ground next to me, a huge chunk of it gouged out.
I turned to the chains.
“Deprimo.”
The chains fell away.
“Expulso!”
The door was blasted open. A sudden cold breeze came rushing in, ruffling my long, wavy dark hair that people always credited to my mother: Bellatrix Lestrange.
I stepped out into the grounds, the cool night air tingling my skin. I took a deep breath, staring out into the across the grounds…
I froze. A figure stood near the Whomping Willow, her white blonde hair glistening in the moonlight.
I took a step back, but Luna had already spotted me. She raised one hand in a greeting, and then gestured for me to join her.
To join or not to join, that was the question. I decided on join. After all, what was the harm? Luna didn’t seem the type to report on me, and I had to go to the Whomping Willow anyway. I had hidden supplies there, preparation for the inevitable. I’d known this day would come.
I cautiously walked to where Luna was standing.
“Hello,” she said vacantly, then went back to patting the air in front of her.
“What are you doing?” I asked, fidgeting a little. When l am nervous, l have a bad habit of fidgeting. I shifted from foot to foot, my hands clasped tightly behind my back.
“You can’t see them? Well, that is a rather normal reaction.” she replied.
Okay. This was getting weirder and weirder.
“What can’t I see?” I asked politely.
“The thestrals, of course,” said Luna.
I decided not to question her anymore, fearing that that might just result in more confusion.
“So…” I started. “You’re taking a walk in the middle of the night.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“I wanted to come visit the thestrals.” came the reply.
With anyone else, I would have dismissed the excuse and instantly launched into a series of interrogation, but with Luna… She seemed so sincere.
I bit my lip. Was she lying? It didn’t seem so, but I had to be careful.
“So what are you doing out in the grounds so late at night?” Luna asked me.
“Um…” I searched around furiously for an excuse, but then decided on the truth again. “I’m going to run away.”
Luna turned to me, smiling a little.
“That’s nice.”
I blinked. That’s nice? That’s what she had said? No ‘Oh you shouldn’t’s or ‘I won’t let you’s, but ‘That’s nice’?
“Well…” I mumbled, at a loss for words.
“Where would you go?” Luna asked, now mildly interested.
“Uh… I don’t know,” I admitted. “Just somewhere far, away from this place.”
And far, far away from Slytherin and its members. I added silently in my mind. Far away from Pansy and teachers and everyone… And far away from Draco, too. That was an especially wonderful bonus.
“How did you get out?” I asked, anxious to change the subject.
“Oh, that’s easy,” Luna said distantly. “There’s a secret doorway next to the main doors. I found it years ago, back when I was a first-year. Even the Weasley twins don’t know about it. I could show you if you stayed.”
“Um, alright.” That was the only thing I could think to respond. Weird thing was, Luna wasn’t saying it in a way that made me think that she was trying to stop me. She just honestly wanted to show me.
“Why do you want to leave?” Luna’s dreamy voice jolted me from my reverie.
I didn’t trust her. I shouldn’t trust her. But somewhere deep, deep down, I knew that if I didn’t quickly tell someone, I would shatter under the effort of keeping it in.
So I told Luna, my soft voice resonating around the still grounds. As I spoke, my voice grew from a tiny whisper to a harsh shout. I told her everything, all my troubles with Pansy, troubles with Draco, troubles with myself; how everyone treated me like I was a bomb, waiting to detonate at any moment. Like I was my mother.
At one point of my story, Luna stopped stroking the thestrals and sat down on a large slab of stone. She was a good listener, and she heard me out. She never interrupted, not once, and by the time I was done, I had a sore throat and a strangely peaceful feeling that had settled over me.
“Better?” Luna asked.
I nodded.
“Come on, let’s go back to the castle,” She whispered.
So I followed her towards the gaping hole in the doors, the sky streaked with pink and yellow and all the colours of sunrise.
And from that moment on, Luna and I were friends… At least, we were friends for a little while. But I am getting way ahead of myself.

After that encounter with Luna, Draco started treating me much better: As in, much, much better. He just ignored me, and I ignored him, and we both had a perfectly pleasant experience in which the other wasn’t there.
Somehow I got the feeling that Luna had talked him into it.
But I was fine with that. Pansy seemed a little laid off too, and I wondered how Luna had manage to get away with that. Probably talked Draco into talking her into it. But I kept my mouth shut and didn’t complain about the improvement.
We did everything together, Luna and I. I had a sneaking suspicion that Luna purposely arranged that so I wouldn’t get harassed, like, anywhere. After all, nobody was crazy enough to pressure me when ‘Little Miss Oddity’ or ‘Loony Luna’ was around. Luna had this confident air about her that basically repelled bullies. Literally.
I never got a single threat after that. Only Pansy dared do it, and only in the safety of the Slytherin’s common room.
I should have known it couldn’t last. Nothing last forever, after all.
I had just entered my dormitory when I heard the mutterings. I looked up to see Pansy and her fellow tyrants huddled together, whispering furiously. Of course, with my extreme bad luck, I had to share my room with Pansy and her clones. When they finally noticed me standing there, they stopped their conversation and stared pointedly at me.
I walked over to my bed and sat down, drawing the curtains close around. The whispering started up again.
I listened hard, trying to catch what they were saying.
“Draco—” I heard Pansy mutter to one of them. “He—missing—maybe with that weird girl—what’s—name— Loony Luna.”
I stifled a giggle. So they found out about Luna and Draco. Well. It was about time that they realized. Of course, it would take more than a scant rumor to convince Pansy that Draco didn’t like her. She would most likely go investigating.
Sure enough, I heard:
“I—find—the truth—Draco would never—with that—crazy girl—”
I rolled my eyes at Pansy and her fantasies. She’ll find out soon. But for now…
I lay down on the bed, closing my eyes—
“Aquila!”
I sat up quickly as the curtains around me were ripped opened.
“What?!” I shrieked. “Who…?”
Pansy stood there, her arms crossed, staring daggers at me.
“I want you to do something.” she ordered. “Spy on Draco for me. Understand? Track him. I want to know what’s he doing all night.”
“Why can’t you do it yourself?” I snapped irritably. I instantly regretted my words as soon as they came out of my mouth, but it was too late. Pansy’s beady eyes narrowed, and she grabbed my arm, dragging me out of bed.
“Go.” she snarled at me. “NOW!”
Pansy shoved me towards the open door, nearly sending me toppling down three flights of stairs. I stopped myself from falling just in time, and whirled to face her.
“You’ll pay,” I said quietly, then turned and ran down to the common room.
I quickly made my way to the Great Hall, and then proceeded to the main doors. As usual, they were locked. But now I knew a secret trick that Luna had taught me.
I went over to the right side of the giant doors, and placed my hand on the cool wall, pulling out my wand.
“Ostendo,” I whispered, and a hidden door appeared. Luna had made that spell. She was really very smart— a fact close to no one knew, which was a real waste. She was awfully smart…
I tapped the door with my wand, and it slid opened smoothly.
I stepped out into the cool midnight air, determined to stay in the grounds until morning, and ignore Pansy’s threats. But as soon as I took one step out, my blood ran cold, my breath caught in my throat, and I stumbled back into the shadows of the castle.
Far across the grounds, two figures sat on a rock overlooking the lake. Their fingers were entwined, and they were sitting way too close for comfort, almost touching, their white blonde hair gleaming silver in the moonlight.
Draco.
And Luna.
Together.
I swallowed hard, trying to decide what to do. Should I ignore them, go back to Pansy, and make up a random story of some sort? Should I go up to them and ask them to wipe my memory of that scene so no one would ever know?
‘No, that is a dumb idea.’ I told myself firmly. No point of giving Draco another reason to hate me.
So… What should I do now?
I finally decided on wandering the castle until morning. Better to waste it than to harm somebody—or should I say two somebody— when I can avoid it. Especially if one of them is my enemy and the other is my only friend. And while I walked, I could also think up a really good story to tell Pansy.
As I walked through the silent castle, every shadow stood out: After all, in the depths of darkness, a closet could be a figure, and a mirror, a face.
But the real shock came when I discovered that it also could be in reverse: When I walked passed a seemingly tranquil wardrobe and it sneezed.
On pure instinct, I pulled out my wand and pointed it straight at the figure.
“Stupefy—” I started, ready to follow up with a torrent of other hexes and curses, when the figure shouted, “Expelliarmus!” and with a burst of red light, my wand flew out of my hand, clattering to the floor.
The sky outside rumbled with thunder. Lightning flashed.
“Give. It. BACK!” I screamed at the boy, outraged at my sudden defeat. I was usually top of my class, a fact that caused even more trouble, and I didn’t like being outsmarted this quickly.
“Shh!” he muttered. “Do you want Professor McGonagall after us?”
I clamped my mouth shut. I hadn’t realized how loud I was, but now I knew that it was a miracle that Filch hadn’t caught us yet.
“Sorry,” he whispered. “I was just protecting myself. Here:”
He reached down and picked up my wand, handing it to me.
“Who are you?” I asked curiously.
“Neville. Neville Longbottom.”
My eyes widened. It was just my luck to bump into someone who’s parents—
“And who are you?”
I bit my lip.
“Aquila.” I said truthfully.
“Aquila…?” he questioned pointedly.
“I’m sorry!” I blurted out, my voice rising higher and shriller with each word. “I’m really, really sorry. I couldn’t have stopped it, that wasn’t my fault, I know that you’ll hate me for it, and you really have every right to, of course, but—”
“Hold on a minute,” Neville interrupted, bemused. “What?”
“Lestrange!” I yelled at him, and burst into tears.
Neville jumped so hard it would have been comical if I had not been crying my eyes out. He just stood there, frozen, staring at me.
“I—I’m so so—sorry,” I muttered, then turned, and raced down the corridor.
“Wait!” He called after me, but I was long gone, running past portraits, down flights of stairs, and away, away from everyone. The storm outside grew, and rain started to fall, sheets and sheets of gray rain, the clouds booming with thunder.
I was running blindly, running, running—
I found myself in front of a blank stonewall. I leaned against it, breathing hard. Finally, I straightened, and faced the wall.
“Cunning and sly.”
The door opened, and I went in.
The common room was deserted now; the only light was from the fire. I went over to the hearth, studying the flames dancing wildly in the fireplace.
I sat down on one of the armchairs by the fire, still mesmerized by the raging flames. When my eyelids finally fluttered close, the image of them was still branded into my mind.
Flames.
Fire.
Darkness.
Chaos.

A hysterical laugh came into my dream consciousness, roaring with dark humor. The flames turned black as the laughter continued, smoke rising everywhere, suffocating me, their smoky tendrils embracing me in a deadly cocoon, the smell of sulfur filling me with dread. Just as I couldn’t stand it anymore, the flames and the smoke slowly cleared away from my vision, revealing a dais and a woman.
She was tall, with long and wavy dark hair cascading down her back. Her features were sharp, with a face that once might have been stunningly beautiful, but was marred with years of pride and arrogance and a lack of care. Her skin was tinged gray, and her eyes—
Her eyes were coal black. But there was more to it than that. It was pure black, but it seemed to have a depth to it that no description could fully capture.
The way the woman’s eyes bored straight into me was creepy. She herself was creepy. She shook me up even worse than anything else had, this woman with her uncanny resemblance to me—
And then I knew. I knew the reason why she resembled me, the reason why she seemed so familiar…
“Mom?” I whispered, hardly daring to believe it.
She did not smile.
“Aquila, my daughter,” Bellatrix Lestrange said coldly. “A disappointment to the noble heir of Black. A softhearted girl.”
My eyes were stinging. My own mother was calling me a disappointment?
“I’ll try harder,” I said in earnest. “I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll be a true Slytherin. I’ll be a true Black—”
My voice trailed off.
“Black? Not-Not Lestrange?”
She ignored my question. She took a step towards the dais, and lifted something from its surface. Something sharp.
Bellatrix turned to me, and held the object out to me, a question in her steely dark eyes: Will you take it?
I stepped forward and accepted it with both hands.
It was a dagger, still tucked inside its sheath.
“Sometimes you don’t need a wand; you need a weapon,” Bellatrix told me quietly. “A last resort.”
Then she smiled, maniacal humor dancing in her sable eyes, and I realized that the woman staring back at me was crazy. She had murdered crowds and tortured millions.
But the craziest thing was that…
Was that I didn’t care. It was utterly insane, but I simply didn’t care anymore.
I was done with stepping down. I was going to start stepping up.
“Good,” Bellatrix purred, smiling wider. “Good.”
I smiled back.
Then someone was shaking my shoulder.
“Remember!” Bellatrix said urgently. “Remember that we are all proud descendents of—”
“Get UP, Lestrange!” Someone screeched, roughly shaking me.
I jolted awake, breathing hard. It had been a dream. All just a dream.
I suddenly noticed an object in my hands. A dagger, still tucked inside its silver sheath.
I froze.
“So. Did you find Draco, or what?!” Pansy yelled at me.
I stared at her, not really listening.
“W-what?” I mumbled.
Pansy rolled her eyes.
“I. Don’t. Have. The. TIME FOR THIS!” she shouted. “TELL ME: DID YOU FIND DRACO?”
Then she did something even worse. She hit me, hard, across the face.
I sprang up from the chair, Bellatrix’s words pounding through my head.
A disappointment…
…Softhearted…
…Sometimes… You need a weapon…

On pure instinct, I swiftly unsheathed the dagger and threw it at Pansy. My aim was perfect.
The black dagger soared through the air, straight at Pansy. Her eyes widened, her mouth opened to scream, but she never got the chance. The dagger lodged in her throat, and she fell to her knees, staring in horror at me.
“Too late to apologize now, Pansy,” I told her mildly. “Maybe in the afterlife, perhaps?”
I stepped forward, and dislodged the bloodied dagger from her throat. Pansy crumpled to the floor, lifeless and unmoving.
I ripped a piece of fabric from the hem of her robes, and started wiping the dagger clean with it, examining it more closely. It was a thin blade, with jagged edges and a cruel point. Some sort of ancient words was inscribed at the borders.
I squinted hard, and the words rearranged themselves.
A blade forged for the legacy of…” I read, trying to catch the last few words, but they were too faded to catch.
I threw the bloodstained rag into the fire, and turned to Pansy.
“Evanesco,” I muttered, and she disappeared.
Suddenly, the horror of what I’d done forced itself upon me, and I stumbled back into the armchair, sinking down into it.
I’d just killed a fellow student, a crime that would definitely not be overlooked.
I'd just murdered someone.
I took a deep breath, calming myself, and stood.
I walked over to one of the ornate mirrors in the common room. A girl with dark hair and frightened doe eyes stared back out at me. I forced myself to calm down, to lock away the horror, and the girl in the mirror did the same. I readjusted my features until I was happy with what I saw:
What I saw was a young woman with light olive skin, long and wavy dark hair, and intent blue eyes. But there was more to it than that. It was pure blue, but it seemed to have a depth to it that no description could fully capture.
I smiled, and the same maniacal glee filled me.
I was a woman worthy of Slytherin: A girl worthy of her mother.

End of Part One


Last edited by ForeverAnAuthor (July 16, 2017 16:55:02)


Friends are like stars… You don't always see them…
But they are always there for you
ForeverAnAuthor
Scratcher
100+ posts

Darkness Within

Reserved for later use.

Friends are like stars… You don't always see them…
But they are always there for you
Isla_Fren
Scratcher
14 posts

Darkness Within

yessss! Nice
ForeverAnAuthor
Scratcher
100+ posts

Darkness Within

Isla_Fren wrote:

yessss! Nice
TYSM!!

Friends are like stars… You don't always see them…
But they are always there for you
---Mystical---
Scratcher
13 posts

Darkness Within

i was just like sitting 2 inches from the screen wondering what will happen next……I LOOOOOVE harry potter so when you described the characters before saying who it was (Example: pug faced girl) i know them.
I like the way you make the readers feel what THEIR feeling at the parts you want…also inn the way like J.K. Rowling you bring in the shock, of something you expected never would happen. but in that moment of her killing pansy you felt that ANGER…you felt though that shock after that she would do such a thing…but it felt good in the moment… I could imagine most of the parts vividly in my mind…but i was very confused at the beginning, because i didnt know who Draco was talking to, i thought he was talking about someone not at Hogwarts. its a new character, even though i knew it was from a new characters point of view. perhaps find a different way that readers know her name? i hate to sound daft especially since it said Draco said sharply to “ME”, but it still took a few paragraphs wondering what that meant before realizing that it was her name when she came to the common room. i know its too late to change it now, of course, but just saying for next time…boy i love these long comment where you can practically say all you want without having to stop because of the limit! i hear people commenting on stories that just make me clutch my throat and fall to the floor, unable to stand reading it any longer, but you truly have an amazing
awesome
fascinating
incredible
marvelous
prodigious
shocking
stunning
surprising
unbelievable
wonderful
gift, and talent for writing..use it well.
ForeverAnAuthor
Scratcher
100+ posts

Darkness Within

---Mystical--- wrote:

i was just like sitting 2 inches from the screen wondering what will happen next……I LOOOOOVE harry potter so when you described the characters before saying who it was (Example: pug faced girl) i know them.
I like the way you make the readers feel what THEIR feeling at the parts you want…also inn the way like J.K. Rowling you bring in the shock, of something you expected never would happen. but in that moment of her killing pansy you felt that ANGER…you felt though that shock after that she would do such a thing…but it felt good in the moment… I could imagine most of the parts vividly in my mind…but i was very confused at the beginning, because i didnt know who Draco was talking to, i thought he was talking about someone not at Hogwarts. its a new character, even though i knew it was from a new characters point of view. perhaps find a different way that readers know her name? i hate to sound daft especially since it said Draco said sharply to “ME”, but it still took a few paragraphs wondering what that meant before realizing that it was her name when she came to the common room. i know its too late to change it now, of course, but just saying for next time…boy i love these long comment where you can practically say all you want without having to stop because of the limit! i hear people commenting on stories that just make me clutch my throat and fall to the floor, unable to stand reading it any longer, but you truly have an amazing
awesome
fascinating
incredible
marvelous
prodigious
shocking
stunning
surprising
unbelievable
wonderful
gift, and talent for writing..use it well.
THANK YOU. And no, that bit of criticism was very welcomed indeed, coz I LOVE it when people critique my works, not just praise it. Thanks for the words of encouragement, and #KeepWriting.

Friends are like stars… You don't always see them…
But they are always there for you
---Mystical---
Scratcher
13 posts

Darkness Within

heeeey this is my sis leaving a review…

Hello, I am 15 years old and have written a novel, but not published it, because I'm still working on it. (It's full of plot holes and bad writing.) I enjoy studying the work of J.K. Rowling (specifically Harry Potter) because I try to see what makes her writing so good from a technical point of view. Knowing this, here is my critique, and I hope it is useful to you. (ForeverAnAuthor – just curious, are you actually a published author?)

First off, this is great writing. REALLY good writing, and I don't usually express this kind of praise, even to my own work. But I figure endless praise would be of little use to you. So here's the small critiques:
“the teachers' fleet smiles” should be changed to “fleeting”. (I'm guessing some of these grammar errors are mistakes and not intentional.)
'“Lestrange!” yelled a pug-faced girl.' This isn't a critiscism, but it's awesome how you picked up on this from the original books how Pansy is described.
'“Hello,” She said vacantly, then went back to patting the air in front of her.' The word ‘She’ should be in lowercase.

“ “Hello,” She said vacantly, then went back to patting the air in front of her.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“You can’t see them? Well, that is a rather normal reaction.” She replied hazily.
Okay. This was getting weirder and weirder.
“What can’t I see?” I questioned politely.
“The thestrals, of course,” answered Luna vaguely.
I decided not to question her anymore, fearing that that might just result in more confusion.
“So…” I started hesitantly. “You’re taking a walk in the middle of the night.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“I wanted to come visit the thestrals.” Came the reply.”

'She replied hazily' should have a lowercase ‘she’. ‘Came the reply’ should have a lowercase ‘came’ and there should be a comma instead of a period after ‘thestrals’. I'm not sure if you're doing that artistically but it still comes off as really awkward.
This whole clip of their back-and-forth talking is a bit repetitive, and that makes it not sound nearly as good as the rest of the story. It goes: said vacantly, replied hazily, questioned politely, answered vaguely, and started hesitantly. Most of these are not ‘said’; instead they replied and questioned and started. You used these quite well in the beginning of the story but in this middle part they sound amateur from overuse. And they all follow the same pattern: with an adverb after it. I would suggest leaving out ‘She replied hazily’. If you want to make her sentence seem hazy, perhaps say this?
“You can't see them? Well, that is a rather normal reaction….”
I'm just tossing out ideas here. I'm having a hard time suggesting you get rid of other adverbs because they sound amateur when thrown together in the space of ten sentences, but they help add to the tone of the conversation. I would suggest getting rid of those -ed's and ly's and instead adding in body language or props. (Luna already has some, after all; she's petting thestrals.)
'“I wanted to come visit the thestrals,” came the reply' might sound better like this: ‘“I wanted to come visit the thestrals,” Luna said, now moving on to stroking whatever it was I couldn’t see.' You know, some filler so the conversation doesn't seem to follow a pattern.
If you're going to continue this fanfiction, it would be awesome if Aquila sees the thestrals later – after all, she killed Pansy. But that's just a whim. It's up to you, of course.

With Neville coming out of the wardrobe: ‘“Shh!” He muttered’ The ‘He’ must be lowercase. It's grammatically correct to use lowercase He or She after they say something, because it is a CONTINUATION of the sentence. It's okay to use uppercase if it's entirely unconnected with what they're saying, though. Like this: “I don't know what you mean!” She tossed her book into the wall.

Okay, I tried to help with all I could, but really it's hard to find anything else. It's amazing writing. Really fantastic. Like her falling asleep in a chair in front of the fire: the flames dancing in front of her, embedded in her mind, in transition to her dream – it's absolutely hauntingly gorgeous.

So – I hope you find this helpful – Good luck and I would be willing to read some of your other work if you like. It's really quite enjoyable. Huge potential and beautiful way of crafting words. *salutes*
– Mystical's sister
ForeverAnAuthor
Scratcher
100+ posts

Darkness Within

AHHH!! Thank you so much! It's very rare that people will take that much time to critique my writings! (And very rare that they'll point out all the wrongs… They usually just say that there are ‘some grammatical errors’, which is *soooo* helpful. (Sarcasm alert! XP)
To answer your question, no, I'm not a published author… I'm only twelve. XD (I do plan to study Creative Writing in uni though, so being a published author is definitely my life goal!)
Again, thank you SO much for the critiques. (No, l wasn't being artistic, l was being clueless… XDDD) I'll change them ASAP.

Friends are like stars… You don't always see them…
But they are always there for you
---Mystical---
Scratcher
13 posts

Darkness Within

No problem. It was enjoyable. Have you thought about joining Goodreads? They have groups for writers (most of the users are teens) and you can get lots of critique there. I join Christian writer's groups specifically, so I won't encounter any trashy writings.
Haha, I had to ask – there are a lot of underage published authors on Goodreads. I was 12 when I started my own book but unfortunately it's still not finished. I wrote The End two years ago but I still need to keep fixing it.
Okay, alright, and I probably missed some capital She's or He's. I originally wasn't sure if you knew that capital She's and He's aren't supposed to be done that way because for the majority of the writing you were grammatically correct! It was only a couple instances. Glad you appreciate the feedback.
— Mystical's sister
ForeverAnAuthor
Scratcher
100+ posts

Darkness Within

Well, l bet your book will be perfect by the time you get the chance to publish it… I'll check out Goodreads too! Thanks again!

Friends are like stars… You don't always see them…
But they are always there for you
Cinderpelt3303
Scratcher
21 posts

Darkness Within

ForeverAnAuthor wrote:

Darkness Within

Part One

I hurried along an empty Hogwarts’ corridor, my face buried in a thick book. As I turned a sharp corner, I ran straight into two figures.
“Oh, so sorry!” I muttered, before glancing up at the people in front of me. My sharp blue eyes widened at the sight of the oddity Luna Lovegood, with a most unlikely companion. My book dropped from my hands, landing with a muffled thud on the ground.
I quickly casted my eyes onto the ground, too afraid to look up again.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered swiftly. “I didn’t know that you’d be here. I was- I was just heading to the common room. Ex- Excuse me.”
I tried to step pass the two in front of me, but Luna stopped me, genuinely smiling. I looked up at her, startled. After all, very few people smiled at me, like, for real. Some laughed at me, but never because they liked me. The few ones that did really smile were usually teachers, and occasionally, my reflection in the mirror, but that was even more rare than the teachers’ fleeting smiles.
“Oh, don’t worry,” Luna said mistily. “It was as much our fault as yours. Wasn’t it, Draco?”
Luna looked at her companion expectantly, but he just stared coldly at me as expected, his icy blue eyes boring straight through me.
Luna frowned a little, and bent down to pick up my book, while I stood there, frozen, staring back at him.
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them,” Luna read the cover. “Well, it is a good book, but it’s a shame that they never mentioned the Crumple-Horned Snorkacks or even—”
“Aquila Lestrange,” Draco said sharply to me, ignoring Luna. “You never saw us, do you understand? Not. A. Word.”
His voice was forceful, warning me of the dangers that would happen if I did not do as he said.
I nodded, ducking my head low.
Luna handed me my book and I quickly ran off. As I rounded another corner, I heard Luna say, “You shouldn’t do that.”
“I do whatever I please.” came the reply. “Anyway, she’s the daughter of Bellatrix Lestrange.”
“And you’re the son of—”
“I’m over that now.”
An unsatisfied huff followed that particular announcement.
I quickly hurried along the corridors, going deeper and deeper into the castle, through secret passages and hidden doorways, down flights and flights of steep stone staircases until I finally reached my destination.
I’d stopped in front of a seemingly empty stonewall.
“Cunning and sly,” I muttered, and the stone door slid smoothly open at the password. I stepped cautiously into the dim, green tinted room inside.
I rapidly skirted around the edge of the Slytherin’s common room, keeping my head down and trying not to attract any attention. As usual, it did not work.
“Lestrange!” yelled a pug-faced girl. “Come here!”
I closed my eyes, took a deep, calming breath, and slowly walked over to her, a forced smile planted on my face.
“Yes, Pansy?” I asked her, even though I knew what was coming.
She threw a stack of homework papers to me.
“Finish them by Monday,” Pansy snapped. “What are you doing, just standing there? Get to work!”
“Yes, Pansy,” I mumbled, and went over to a nearby table as Pansy and her cronies guffawed at the very sight of me.
I sat down and started doing homework. After I was done with Pansy’s, I pulled out my own and started on that too. Seconds, minutes, then hours crawled pass. When I was finally done with all the work, I looked up and realized I was all alone in the common room. The clock read 3:24 a.m.
I was just gathering up the papers when the stone door slid open and Draco stepped in, his midnight-blue cloak billowing behind him, and his head-boy’s badge glimmering on his robes.
He froze when he spotted me, standing stiffly in one corner with the paperwork in my arms.
“It’s already three in the morning, Lestrange,” he spat. “Shouldn’t you be… asleep? What are you still doing here?”
I showed him the homework, deciding that maybe the truth was the best for this case.
“Pansy asked me to help her with her work,” I said truthfully.
He raised his eyebrows.
“And you agreed?” he asked skeptically. “What sort of Slytherin are you, to do other’s dirty work for them?”
I hung my head and kept silent. Obviously it was a rhetorical question.
He strode over to me, and snatched the papers away.
I gave a little squeal of surprise, but I resisted the urge to take it back.
“What are you do—” I started, watching in horror as he stalked over to the still-blazing fireplace. “No!”
But it was already done. I stared in disbelief as my hours of hard work slowly curled to ashes.
And when I looked up from the fireplace, Draco was already gone.
That was about the time I decided I had enough. Anger and resentment boiled up in me. I wasn’t going to stay here and let myself be push about. I was leaving.
I walked slowly over to the stone door, and it slid open at my touch. I proceeded along empty corridors, up long passages, and into the Great Hall.
I went over to the big castle door hoping it would be easy to open, but it had a big chain and an even bigger lock on its handles.
“Alohomora,” I muttered. The lock did not budge. “Relashio. Diffindo!”
Finally, I got an idea.
“Defodio!”
The lock landed on the ground next to me, a huge chunk of it gouged out.
I turned to the chains.
“Deprimo.”
The chains fell away.
“Expulso!”
The door was blasted open. A sudden cold breeze came rushing in, ruffling my long, wavy dark hair that people always credited to my mother: Bellatrix Lestrange.
I stepped out into the grounds, the cool night air tingling my skin. I took a deep breath, staring out into the across the grounds…
I froze. A figure stood near the Whomping Willow, her white blonde hair glistening in the moonlight.
I took a step back, but Luna had already spotted me. She raised one hand in a greeting, and then gestured for me to join her.
To join or not to join, that was the question. I decided on join. After all, what was the harm? Luna didn’t seem the type to report on me, and I had to go to the Whomping Willow anyway. I had hidden supplies there, preparation for the inevitable. I’d known this day would come.
I cautiously walked to where Luna was standing.
“Hello,” she said vacantly, then went back to patting the air in front of her.
“What are you doing?” I asked, fidgeting a little. When l am nervous, l have a bad habit of fidgeting. I shifted from foot to foot, my hands clasped tightly behind my back.
“You can’t see them? Well, that is a rather normal reaction.” she replied.
Okay. This was getting weirder and weirder.
“What can’t I see?” I asked politely.
“The thestrals, of course,” said Luna.
I decided not to question her anymore, fearing that that might just result in more confusion.
“So…” I started. “You’re taking a walk in the middle of the night.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“I wanted to come visit the thestrals.” came the reply.
With anyone else, I would have dismissed the excuse and instantly launched into a series of interrogation, but with Luna… She seemed so sincere.
I bit my lip. Was she lying? It didn’t seem so, but I had to be careful.
“So what are you doing out in the grounds so late at night?” Luna asked me.
“Um…” I searched around furiously for an excuse, but then decided on the truth again. “I’m going to run away.”
Luna turned to me, smiling a little.
“That’s nice.”
I blinked. That’s nice? That’s what she had said? No ‘Oh you shouldn’t’s or ‘I won’t let you’s, but ‘That’s nice’?
“Well…” I mumbled, at a loss for words.
“Where would you go?” Luna asked, now mildly interested.
“Uh… I don’t know,” I admitted. “Just somewhere far, away from this place.”
And far, far away from Slytherin and its members. I added silently in my mind. Far away from Pansy and teachers and everyone… And far away from Draco, too. That was an especially wonderful bonus.
“How did you get out?” I asked, anxious to change the subject.
“Oh, that’s easy,” Luna said distantly. “There’s a secret doorway next to the main doors. I found it years ago, back when I was a first-year. Even the Weasley twins don’t know about it. I could show you if you stayed.”
“Um, alright.” That was the only thing I could think to respond. Weird thing was, Luna wasn’t saying it in a way that made me think that she was trying to stop me. She just honestly wanted to show me.
“Why do you want to leave?” Luna’s dreamy voice jolted me from my reverie.
I didn’t trust her. I shouldn’t trust her. But somewhere deep, deep down, I knew that if I didn’t quickly tell someone, I would shatter under the effort of keeping it in.
So I told Luna, my soft voice resonating around the still grounds. As I spoke, my voice grew from a tiny whisper to a harsh shout. I told her everything, all my troubles with Pansy, troubles with Draco, troubles with myself; how everyone treated me like I was a bomb, waiting to detonate at any moment. Like I was my mother.
At one point of my story, Luna stopped stroking the thestrals and sat down on a large slab of stone. She was a good listener, and she heard me out. She never interrupted, not once, and by the time I was done, I had a sore throat and a strangely peaceful feeling that had settled over me.
“Better?” Luna asked.
I nodded.
“Come on, let’s go back to the castle,” She whispered.
So I followed her towards the gaping hole in the doors, the sky streaked with pink and yellow and all the colours of sunrise.
And from that moment on, Luna and I were friends… At least, we were friends for a little while. But I am getting way ahead of myself.

After that encounter with Luna, Draco started treating me much better: As in, much, much better. He just ignored me, and I ignored him, and we both had a perfectly pleasant experience in which the other wasn’t there.
Somehow I got the feeling that Luna had talked him into it.
But I was fine with that. Pansy seemed a little laid off too, and I wondered how Luna had manage to get away with that. Probably talked Draco into talking her into it. But I kept my mouth shut and didn’t complain about the improvement.
We did everything together, Luna and I. I had a sneaking suspicion that Luna purposely arranged that so I wouldn’t get harassed, like, anywhere. After all, nobody was crazy enough to pressure me when ‘Little Miss Oddity’ or ‘Loony Luna’ was around. Luna had this confident air about her that basically repelled bullies. Literally.
I never got a single threat after that. Only Pansy dared do it, and only in the safety of the Slytherin’s common room.
I should have known it couldn’t last. Nothing last forever, after all.
I had just entered my dormitory when I heard the mutterings. I looked up to see Pansy and her fellow tyrants huddled together, whispering furiously. Of course, with my extreme bad luck, I had to share my room with Pansy and her clones. When they finally noticed me standing there, they stopped their conversation and stared pointedly at me.
I walked over to my bed and sat down, drawing the curtains close around. The whispering started up again.
I listened hard, trying to catch what they were saying.
“Draco—” I heard Pansy mutter to one of them. “He—missing—maybe with that weird girl—what’s—name— Loony Luna.”
I stifled a giggle. So they found out about Luna and Draco. Well. It was about time that they realized. Of course, it would take more than a scant rumor to convince Pansy that Draco didn’t like her. She would most likely go investigating.
Sure enough, I heard:
“I—find—the truth—Draco would never—with that—crazy girl—”
I rolled my eyes at Pansy and her fantasies. She’ll find out soon. But for now…
I lay down on the bed, closing my eyes—
“Aquila!”
I sat up quickly as the curtains around me were ripped opened.
“What?!” I shrieked. “Who…?”
Pansy stood there, her arms crossed, staring daggers at me.
“I want you to do something.” she ordered. “Spy on Draco for me. Understand? Track him. I want to know what’s he doing all night.”
“Why can’t you do it yourself?” I snapped irritably. I instantly regretted my words as soon as they came out of my mouth, but it was too late. Pansy’s beady eyes narrowed, and she grabbed my arm, dragging me out of bed.
“Go.” she snarled at me. “NOW!”
Pansy shoved me towards the open door, nearly sending me toppling down three flights of stairs. I stopped myself from falling just in time, and whirled to face her.
“You’ll pay,” I said quietly, then turned and ran down to the common room.
I quickly made my way to the Great Hall, and then proceeded to the main doors. As usual, they were locked. But now I knew a secret trick that Luna had taught me.
I went over to the right side of the giant doors, and placed my hand on the cool wall, pulling out my wand.
“Ostendo,” I whispered, and a hidden door appeared. Luna had made that spell. She was really very smart— a fact close to no one knew, which was a real waste. She was awfully smart…
I tapped the door with my wand, and it slid opened smoothly.
I stepped out into the cool midnight air, determined to stay in the grounds until morning, and ignore Pansy’s threats. But as soon as I took one step out, my blood ran cold, my breath caught in my throat, and I stumbled back into the shadows of the castle.
Far across the grounds, two figures sat on a rock overlooking the lake. Their fingers were entwined, and they were sitting way too close for comfort, almost touching, their white blonde hair gleaming silver in the moonlight.
Draco.
And Luna.
Together.
I swallowed hard, trying to decide what to do. Should I ignore them, go back to Pansy, and make up a random story of some sort? Should I go up to them and ask them to wipe my memory of that scene so no one would ever know?
‘No, that is a dumb idea.’ I told myself firmly. No point of giving Draco another reason to hate me.
So… What should I do now?
I finally decided on wandering the castle until morning. Better to waste it than to harm somebody—or should I say two somebody— when I can avoid it. Especially if one of them is my enemy and the other is my only friend. And while I walked, I could also think up a really good story to tell Pansy.
As I walked through the silent castle, every shadow stood out: After all, in the depths of darkness, a closet could be a figure, and a mirror, a face.
But the real shock came when I discovered that it also could be in reverse: When I walked passed a seemingly tranquil wardrobe and it sneezed.
On pure instinct, I pulled out my wand and pointed it straight at the figure.
“Stupefy—” I started, ready to follow up with a torrent of other hexes and curses, when the figure shouted, “Expelliarmus!” and with a burst of red light, my wand flew out of my hand, clattering to the floor.
The sky outside rumbled with thunder. Lightning flashed.
“Give. It. BACK!” I screamed at the boy, outraged at my sudden defeat. I was usually top of my class, a fact that caused even more trouble, and I didn’t like being outsmarted this quickly.
“Shh!” he muttered. “Do you want Professor McGonagall after us?”
I clamped my mouth shut. I hadn’t realized how loud I was, but now I knew that it was a miracle that Filch hadn’t caught us yet.
“Sorry,” he whispered. “I was just protecting myself. Here:”
He reached down and picked up my wand, handing it to me.
“Who are you?” I asked curiously.
“Neville. Neville Longbottom.”
My eyes widened. It was just my luck to bump into someone who’s parents—
“And who are you?”
I bit my lip.
“Aquila.” I said truthfully.
“Aquila…?” he questioned pointedly.
“I’m sorry!” I blurted out, my voice rising higher and shriller with each word. “I’m really, really sorry. I couldn’t have stopped it, that wasn’t my fault, I know that you’ll hate me for it, and you really have every right to, of course, but—”
“Hold on a minute,” Neville interrupted, bemused. “What?”
“Lestrange!” I yelled at him, and burst into tears.
Neville jumped so hard it would have been comical if I had not been crying my eyes out. He just stood there, frozen, staring at me.
“I—I’m so so—sorry,” I muttered, then turned, and raced down the corridor.
“Wait!” He called after me, but I was long gone, running past portraits, down flights of stairs, and away, away from everyone. The storm outside grew, and rain started to fall, sheets and sheets of gray rain, the clouds booming with thunder.
I was running blindly, running, running—
I found myself in front of a blank stonewall. I leaned against it, breathing hard. Finally, I straightened, and faced the wall.
“Cunning and sly.”
The door opened, and I went in.
The common room was deserted now; the only light was from the fire. I went over to the hearth, studying the flames dancing wildly in the fireplace.
I sat down on one of the armchairs by the fire, still mesmerized by the raging flames. When my eyelids finally fluttered close, the image of them was still branded into my mind.
Flames.
Fire.
Darkness.
Chaos.

A hysterical laugh came into my dream consciousness, roaring with dark humor. The flames turned black as the laughter continued, smoke rising everywhere, suffocating me, their smoky tendrils embracing me in a deadly cocoon, the smell of sulfur filling me with dread. Just as I couldn’t stand it anymore, the flames and the smoke slowly cleared away from my vision, revealing a dais and a woman.
She was tall, with long and wavy dark hair cascading down her back. Her features were sharp, with a face that once might have been stunningly beautiful, but was marred with years of pride and arrogance and a lack of care. Her skin was tinged gray, and her eyes—
Her eyes were coal black. But there was more to it than that. It was pure black, but it seemed to have a depth to it that no description could fully capture.
The way the woman’s eyes bored straight into me was creepy. She herself was creepy. She shook me up even worse than anything else had, this woman with her uncanny resemblance to me—
And then I knew. I knew the reason why she resembled me, the reason why she seemed so familiar…
“Mom?” I whispered, hardly daring to believe it.
She did not smile.
“Aquila, my daughter,” Bellatrix Lestrange said coldly. “A disappointment to the noble heir of Black. A softhearted girl.”
My eyes were stinging. My own mother was calling me a disappointment?
“I’ll try harder,” I said in earnest. “I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll be a true Slytherin. I’ll be a true Black—”
My voice trailed off.
“Black? Not-Not Lestrange?”
She ignored my question. She took a step towards the dais, and lifted something from its surface. Something sharp.
Bellatrix turned to me, and held the object out to me, a question in her steely dark eyes: Will you take it?
I stepped forward and accepted it with both hands.
It was a dagger, still tucked inside its sheath.
“Sometimes you don’t need a wand; you need a weapon,” Bellatrix told me quietly. “A last resort.”
Then she smiled, maniacal humor dancing in her sable eyes, and I realized that the woman staring back at me was crazy. She had murdered crowds and tortured millions.
But the craziest thing was that…
Was that I didn’t care. It was utterly insane, but I simply didn’t care anymore.
I was done with stepping down. I was going to start stepping up.
“Good,” Bellatrix purred, smiling wider. “Good.”
I smiled back.
Then someone was shaking my shoulder.
“Remember!” Bellatrix said urgently. “Remember that we are all proud descendents of—”
“Get UP, Lestrange!” Someone screeched, roughly shaking me.
I jolted awake, breathing hard. It had been a dream. All just a dream.
I suddenly noticed an object in my hands. A dagger, still tucked inside its silver sheath.
I froze.
“So. Did you find Draco, or what?!” Pansy yelled at me.
I stared at her, not really listening.
“W-what?” I mumbled.
Pansy rolled her eyes.
“I. Don’t. Have. The. TIME FOR THIS!” she shouted. “TELL ME: DID YOU FIND DRACO?”
Then she did something even worse. She hit me, hard, across the face.
I sprang up from the chair, Bellatrix’s words pounding through my head.
A disappointment…
…Softhearted…
…Sometimes… You need a weapon…

On pure instinct, I swiftly unsheathed the dagger and threw it at Pansy. My aim was perfect.
The black dagger soared through the air, straight at Pansy. Her eyes widened, her mouth opened to scream, but she never got the chance. The dagger lodged in her throat, and she fell to her knees, staring in horror at me.
“Too late to apologize now, Pansy,” I told her mildly. “Maybe in the afterlife, perhaps?”
I stepped forward, and dislodged the bloodied dagger from her throat. Pansy crumpled to the floor, lifeless and unmoving.
I ripped a piece of fabric from the hem of her robes, and started wiping the dagger clean with it, examining it more closely. It was a thin blade, with jagged edges and a cruel point. Some sort of ancient words was inscribed at the borders.
I squinted hard, and the words rearranged themselves.
A blade forged for the legacy of…” I read, trying to catch the last few words, but they were too faded to catch.
I threw the bloodstained rag into the fire, and turned to Pansy.
“Evanesco,” I muttered, and she disappeared.
Suddenly, the horror of what I’d done forced itself upon me, and I stumbled back into the armchair, sinking down into it.
I’d just killed a fellow student, a crime that would definitely not be overlooked.
I'd just murdered someone.
I took a deep breath, calming myself, and stood.
I walked over to one of the ornate mirrors in the common room. A girl with dark hair and frightened doe eyes stared back out at me. I forced myself to calm down, to lock away the horror, and the girl in the mirror did the same. I readjusted my features until I was happy with what I saw:
What I saw was a young woman with light olive skin, long and wavy dark hair, and intent blue eyes. But there was more to it than that. It was pure blue, but it seemed to have a depth to it that no description could fully capture.
I smiled, and the same maniacal glee filled me.
I was a woman worthy of Slytherin: A girl worthy of her mother.

End of Part One


I mean, I thought I was done with Harry Potter and fanfics alike, but this was AMAZING! I can't wait to see part 2!! What a brilliant piece!

When life shuts a door,
open it again.
It's a door.
That's how they work.
Sunshine_the_Rainbow
Scratcher
100+ posts

Darkness Within

---Mystical--- wrote:

No problem. It was enjoyable. Have you thought about joining Goodreads? They have groups for writers (most of the users are teens) and you can get lots of critique there. I join Christian writer's groups specifically, so I won't encounter any trashy writings.
Haha, I had to ask – there are a lot of underage published authors on Goodreads. I was 12 when I started my own book but unfortunately it's still not finished. I wrote The End two years ago but I still need to keep fixing it.
Okay, alright, and I probably missed some capital She's or He's. I originally wasn't sure if you knew that capital She's and He's aren't supposed to be done that way because for the majority of the writing you were grammatically correct! It was only a couple instances. Glad you appreciate the feedback.
— Mystical's sister


But why the Christian writer's groups? Is there any difference?

yee

uh what, are you judging me

im only going to take over Antarctica with my hyper bowl army you know
Bibliophile4ever
Scratcher
17 posts

Darkness Within

God, this is amazing! I feel like you captured Aquila's emootions and feelings perfectly. Teach me your secrets-I'm failing Language Arts. How do you make a discussion thingy?
LittleAlienGirl
Scratcher
18 posts

Darkness Within

This is actually AMAZING!!!!!! You're so talented. This is possibly the best fanfic I've ever read!

Smile ~ It looks good on you x ♡
WintyMint
Scratcher
500+ posts

Darkness Within

Ah, this is brilliant!















W i N T Y
WriterDreamerSarcasticAsianArtistMath
Just your average nerdy, geeky, mintastical artist.

Coolgirl55561
Scratcher
1 post

Darkness Within

This is like, one of the best thing I've ever read!
-Bbored-
New to Scratch
15 posts

Darkness Within

Hi!
This has got to be the best Harry Potter fanfic I have EVER read (and I’ve read a lot, trust me, xD)! I love every detail, especially the Luna-Draco mystery. And also the Bellatrix Black mustery. I absolutely love it, and I can’t wait to read Part 2.
Although I spotted some grammar mistakes, they’re actually the same as someone else pointed out, I think Mystic’s sister.
Also, I have a question. Is Neville supposed to be clumsy and stuff in this (as in, how he is in the books)? It’s just that his Expelliarmus spell actually worked (no offence, Neville, xD). Unless he’s already been in DA, but yeah.
Other than that it’s AMAZING! I absolutely love it!
~ -Bbored-

“Words, in my humble opinion, are the most inexhaustible source of magic we have.” - Albus Dumbledore
“What’s coming will come, and we’ll meet it when it does.” - Rubeus Hagrid
“Anything is possible, if you’ve got enough nerve.” - Ginny Weasley
“You’re just as sane as I am.” - Luna Lovegood
“ It’s leviosa, not leviosaa.” - Hermionie Granger

Hai! I’m @-Bbored-. If you haven’t guessed already, I am a total Potterhead. I’m in Ravenclaw. #LunaLovegood
I am also:
| Kind-of-slightly-actually-very weird | Writer | Dreamer |
Anyway, see you around!
-Bbored-
New to Scratch
15 posts

Darkness Within

Hi!
This has got to be the best Harry Potter fanfic I have EVER read (and I’ve read a lot, trust me, xD)! I love every detail, especially the Luna-Draco mystery. And also the Bellatrix Black mustery. I absolutely love it, and I can’t wait to read Part 2.
Also, I have a question. Is Neville supposed to be clumsy and stuff in this (as in, how he is in the books)? It’s just that his Expelliarmus spell actually worked (no offence, Neville, xD). Unless he’s already been in DA, but yeah.
Other than that it’s AMAZING! I absolutely love it!
~ -Bbored-

“Words, in my humble opinion, are the most inexhaustible source of magic we have.” - Albus Dumbledore
“What’s coming will come, and we’ll meet it when it does.” - Rubeus Hagrid
“Anything is possible, if you’ve got enough nerve.” - Ginny Weasley
“You’re just as sane as I am.” - Luna Lovegood
“ It’s leviosa, not leviosaa.” - Hermionie Granger

Hai! I’m @-Bbored-. If you haven’t guessed already, I am a total Potterhead. I’m in Ravenclaw. #LunaLovegood
I am also:
| Kind-of-slightly-actually-very weird | Writer | Dreamer |
Anyway, see you around!
TheEvilChickenNugget
Scratcher
100+ posts

Darkness Within

Read it! THIS. IS. AWESOME. I just… I don't have any more words. This is AWESOME.

Haiza!
I'm Evi…

Totally not stalking you…

Plotting world domination in my sky castle…
Sunshine_the_Rainbow
Scratcher
100+ posts

Darkness Within

TheEvilChickenNugget wrote:

Read it! THIS. IS. AWESOME. I just… I don't have any more words. This is AWESOME.
Heyooo we meet again! Yeah, this is amazing, isn't it? (Also, how do you do that signature thing beneath your comment?)

yee

uh what, are you judging me

im only going to take over Antarctica with my hyper bowl army you know

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