SWC Megathread ‧₊˚❀༉‧ July 2025

opheliio

for critique, hugo character work

in hugo’s earliest memory, his mother’s laughter rings as bells, the sort jingled by children at festivities and plugged to dull knocking at funerals. not at her funeral, which would have been carried out in alacian rites, had she the privilege of a funeral in the distant wilds.

funny, that alacians called the east the distant wilds, while the scholars thought the same of the foreign west coast. made him almost felt he belonged, when he remembered they all thought the others wild. always almost. if even the lady of the university weren’t a true inhabitant of their society, how could a lowly apprentice, only an orphan, ever expect to feel accepted?

after the laughter, which hugo could never place on a timeline between his birth and his family’s fleeing of their country, a dark gap spans years of misplaced memory. he knows at one point he could picture his mother’s face, speak his father’s name, but can’t recall when he lost those moments and so many more. he remembers the strangeness of the university, to an alacian boy who has never seen a book or heard bells marking each time of day, but not the cultural touchstones that made such now commonplace occurrences so strange. at some point, all the memories abandoned him, save his mother’s laugh, right up to the moment when he blinked tears from his eyes at the base of a stone wall.

the professors who work with the orphans, whom a thirteen-year-old hugo berated near constantly for insight into this abyss in his recollection, are tight-lipped and suspicious when it comes to questions of hugo’s youth. even from the boy himself. he maintains friendly contact with the keepers of his childhood self, but no longer trusts them as he once did. useless, considering the self who trusted them still spoke his lost tongue, to continue hoping they will let slip a tidbit, a missing piece, that will never come. frey believes he should cut them off, as she did, but she had always had a more belligerent relationship with them due to the nature of her situation.

hugo left the school of orphans years before frey, despite her several months seniority on him. at their second meeting, half a decade after their first, torlin told hugo he had been eyeing the boy for the school of divinity. in that moment, did he still know the songs of his homeland? did any part of him still believe written language went against the way of the world?

Cynthialz

Weekly 02

Part 01 - comparing fairytales from different cultures

The story of Cinderella is probably one of the most commonly known fairy tales in history. Generally, anyone can give you an accurate account of Cinderella's story about how a poor girl was able to go from rags to riches with the help of a little magic, but how does the story vary culturally? has roots in ancient. One place in which the tale of Cinderella is a little different is Russia. The Russian Cinderella, known as “Vasilisa the Beautiful” is subject to some changes. Rather than being aided by her fairy godmother, our protagonist receives help by a magic doll gifted to her by her mother prior to her death. The story also includes spiritual and nature wisdom and magic and follows the protagonist as she receives spiritual guidance. On a very different account, Grimms telling of the story in Germany told significantly darker, and well… grim. In this retelling, Cinderella's infamous evil stepsisters have their eyes pecked it my birds. Similar to the Russian recount of the story, there is no fairy godmother, and Cinderella receives help from a tree with magical capabilities located at her mother's grave. The story included themes of supernatural justice and isn't the lighthearted retelling most people are used to. (207 words)

Part 02 - fairy tale object

The spinning wheel and spindle that infamously pricked Briar Rose, sentencing her to one hundred years of sleep is one of the first things that comes to my mind when I think about magical objects present in fairy tales. It may seem like the spinning wheel is simply an item of convenience used to move the plot forward and put our protagonist to sleep, but upon doing further research, there's actually more significance to the spinning wheels presence in the story than one might think. The use of the spinning wheel in sleeping beauty is actually symbolistic for an old phrase “spinning a spell,” meaning cursing someone. This obviously makes sense as the spinning wheel is used to pr*ck Briar Rose's finger and send her and her kingdom into many years of sleep. The pr*cking of Briar Rose's finger on the spindle itself can also be perceived as a metaphor for maturity and an awakening of sorts into a new chapter of life. In the story, our protagonist's curiosity and desire for something new gets the better of her and leads her to foolishly pr*cking her finger on the spindle. In addition, spinning wheels are also known to symbolize persistent revolution of years and changing time which makes sese in the context of the fairy tale that is sleeping beauty. (220 words)

Last edited by Cynthialz (July 12, 2025 22:28:19)

lcv3-in-paradis3

word war
words 133

Maybe jumping off the cliff was a bad idea… I thought I could fly. I guess I thought wrong. I’d spent all day walking up the mountain to get to the cliff. I thought maybe if I jumped off, I would fly, or at least teleport. I suppose I thought wrong. When I jumped off the cliff, instead of flying, I started falling. Hard. For some reason, though, I wasn’t scared. I could see the ground far below me, ever so slowly rising toward me. I closed my eyes and thought to myself, “Well, this is nice. Even though I might—” before I could finish my thought, WHOOSH! I opened my eyes. I was… flying? Well, not really, I’d been caught by something, but I was still flying. I looked up to see

(ran out of time)

I KNOW ITS TERRIBLE NO NEED TO REMIND ME

ps my sister was playing the piano and I couldn't focus, noramlly I get more words :sob:

28thDimension

Placeholder weekly #1 :).
Who knows, I might even keep the formatting like this.

Flaws || 226/150 words
Perfectionism - Has a constant strive for perfection in all things she does, from taking extra care into making herself look her best every day (makeup, fully coordinated outfit), as well as her work. She has a track record for spending so much time on a project that she would ultimately end up being quite fashionably late.
Arrogance - Sees her opinion as the only ‘right’ one, convinced that all people should, in theory, agree with her. She believes that keeping up her image and alleged reputation wherever she goes is necessary. Often puts her thoughts and priorities over those of others around her. As you can probably guess, she refuses to take in criticism of any sort.
Cynicism - Believes that people do not, in fact, do anything out of pure goodness. She sees society and the world in general a place of insufferable despair cloaked by the illusion of belonging. Due to this and what she’d call “a myriad of reasons”, she finds it extremely difficult to trust anyone.
Neglection of Emotion - Disregards feelings of her own, of others, and all emotion and feeling in general. In her eyes, pure success can only come from being strictly serious and nothing more than that.
Sense of Humor - Terrible. Her jokes are either dark, morbid, insulting, or just straight-up unfunny in all. (It’s alright, Zeta… I feel you :’D.)

Development || 232/200 words
Perfectionism⁺ - Little to no change, she’s still quite the perfectionist by the end of it. …I’m only half-kidding. (Ha. Told you I wasn’t funny.) If there’s a bit of improvement, however, I suppose you can say she’s now less of a perfectionist in terms of keeping up a perfect polished image every day.
Arrogance⁺ - It’s less about convincing people to see it the way you do, but more of doing it your way and letting them see what you’re capable of in your own expertise.
Cynicism⁺ - Slowly learning to accept that the world is, like everything else, imperfect in truth, and there’s really not much a singular person (or even a group of people) can do to all of a sudden make a drastic change to what’s already been set in place for so many years. Although still mostly hesitant, she’s grown to adapt to more of a
Neglection of Emotion⁺ - She’s now learning that attempting to keep your emotions far away from you only leads to them being bottled up inside, waiting for that perfectly imperfect moment to implode in on itself. Anger and envy were what have held her captive for the longest time, now finally brought to her knowing–it’s not a crime to feel, but rather one to ignore them completely.
Sense of Humor⁺ - She now actually cracks jokes that mean no offense or insult to any specific person. Not to say they’ve completely dissipated, however, but it’s an improvement nonetheless.

Motivations || 249/200 words
Making an Impression - Part of Zeta being, well, Zeta, would be her always trying to make a statement. Whether that be verbally, throwing out opinions that are not only already far different from the general public (although that isn’t faked, those points are really from how she views the world, it appears) but often exaggerated. As mentioned in the first section, she’s determined to convince those who don’t believe in her standpoint to end up agreeing.
Desire for Approval - Despite her… Less approachable demeanour, she secretly longs for the approval of those around her (although the way she goes by it… Hm.). Zeta looks up to designers from all around the universe, and wishes to one day have the experience and earn the recognition of one of them… Or more specifically, HADE, from whom she’s once taken inspiration from before ultimately finding her own personal style and putting the unique “Zeta touch” onto her designs.
Letting Go - One big motivational factor that’s kept Zeta doing what she does for all this while now traces back to how she’s ‘burdened’ with being able to tell whenever anyone tells a lie (Oh, did I not mention, she has powers? Ah, my bad, my bad. Well, you know now.) Call it a blessing or a curse, and even with the act of taking criticism aside, all Zeta ever wanted was to finally be free from knowing the ‘truth’ all of the time, to be free to think and interpret however she pleases.

Story || 528 words
“Back at it again, I see.”

“What.” Zeta looked up from her workspace, her elbow resting on the table and her upper arm supporting the bottom of her chin. She was tired. It was early in the morning, after all, and the cafeteria had, unsurprisingly, run out of coffee beans. Again. “I swear, the bean restock never makes it here in time… Oh, it’s you.” Her tone flattened at the sight of a familiar face frowning upon the grand display of what looked to be a complete mess. “Go away. Can’t you see I’m working?” She snapped, clearly annoyed, “And to answer your question–yes, I am. Now go away, you’re disrupting my work environment.

The girl brushes back a lock of neon green hair. “Boug wants you to swing by her office at nine. Said she wanted to talk to you or something.” She took a

“And you think I’d take your word for it?” Zeta scoffs, “Last time you asked me to ‘swing by’ a teacher’s office I ended up disrupting a meeting. What do you want this time.” The red-haired girl averts her gaze back to the heap of fabric in front of her. She actually means it this time, doesn’t she.

“I’m being 100% serious. And oh, come on, that was last year.” No beeps, no nothing. She really wasn’t lying.

“…Fine, have it your way,” Zeta grumbled. “I’ll go. Now would you please leave me alone?”

Once she’s finally left to her own devices again, Zeta quickly got back to work. Maybe Hyu really did have good intentions. After all, it has been quite a while since she’s last gotten that practically indescribable feeling of what felt to be an army of tiny needles puncturing her brain from every corner. And at the very least, from Hyurin, which said a lot if you took into account just how bad that girl used to be. “The world itself is a terrible enough place,” she muttered under her breath, almost in an attempt to counteract her own thoughts. “But at least I’m here, right…?”

She took a quick glance over the room, oddly quiet in comparison to what was usually one of the noisiest places in the entire college. Since it was the weekend, however, there was barely anyone else up at this hour. Other than the few labelled “tryhards” in the course, Zeta herself, and a few others like Hyu who were under a different department. It’s amazing, really, how people can change, she realized. After being disconnected at large from the rest of her peers all these years, she’s finally been able to meet all sorts of different people. Heck, she’s studying in the same school as HADE’s daughter–oh, for goodness sake, they quite literally know each other, putting aside the fact of them having possibly the least appealing backstory to their (somewhat) friendship.

Huh, this–this is… Surprisingly quite nice, she thought to herself. She picked up the dress she was working on, placing it over the top of Mt. Scraps, and took a moment to admire its one-of-a-kind beauty.

I suppose you can really only belong in someplace where no one truly belongs.

Last edited by 28thDimension (July 10, 2025 23:13:06)

taylorsversion--

Critique for Emily ⟢ 640 words

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Hi Emily! Here’s my critique for you. I skimmed through a few other parts of your weekly as well so I could get a better grasp on your character :> I had a quick glance through this before I properly started, as well, and my first impression was that it was a bit dramatic but beautifully written! Sorry if some of the critique comes across as vague/harsh/random, it’s been a while since I’ve done this haha

They warned her not to feel too much.

“Observe, don’t absorb,” her supervisor had said, handing her a neural cord like it was just another tool, no more dangerous than a stethoscope. “You’re not a therapist, You’re not a friend. You’re a filter.”

Celia nodded, but it never really sat well with her. She had always felt things too much. The emotional signatures of strangers lingered with her longer than they should have.

I am loving the starting sentence! It really hooks you in and starts your writing smoothly. I did spot a minor grammar mistake though; there’s a capital letter after a comma near the start - that I’m assuming was supposed to be a full stop. The last metaphor was so pretty. This isn’t that important, but to me, it gives the vibe that Celia is a patient instead of a worker at the clinic, so maybe a bit of specification would help?

In the clinic, ceiling panels curved overhead like folded paper, glowing gently, casting no real shadows. Everything was white or pale gray, so emotionless. Even the potted plants look like they'd been grown in a lab: perfectly symmetrical, lightly dusted, incapable of dying. Screens floated in the air, suspended by nothing visible. They displayed patient intake data, memory diagrams, and marketing slogans: Restoration. Renewal. Relief.

The descriptive writing was extremely well done! I’m not sure if the ‘so’ in the second sentence was needed though, since it’s already been implemented that the clinic was unexpressive. However, that might just be personal preference ^^ The rest of this paragraph rolled really well!

The clinic was quiet, too quiet. Nothing in the space made a sound it wasn’t supposed to. No echo, no hum, not even footsteps. Patients always came in looking like they hadn’t slept in weeks. Many didn’t speak. They just signed the consent forms, stared at the floor with an empty gaze, and waited to get “fixed”.

It wasn’t supposed to hurt.

The process was noninvasive. It matched the patient’s emotional imprint, mapped their mind pathway, and extracted the grief. No pain. Just relief.

That’s what they promised anyway.

Aww this is great! Well, the writing is great, not what’s happening. Since the tone of this writing is a bit more dramatic and mysterious, using the word ‘just’ could seem a little informal, so removing ‘just’ (in ‘they just signed the consent forms’) might work to keep the mood. The second ‘just’ works well, though! There’s a lot of short sentences in this part, making it a little choppy.

Celia worked as an operation technician, and her job was to complete the sync and extraction. She sat behind the system and watched as it did most of the work, sorting through all the memories and isolating the grief by identifying its chemical formation. All she had to do was view it and contain it. Simple. Once that patient was finished and “cleaned” she’d move on to complete the procedure with many others.

She was good at her job, maybe even too good. Everytime she used the system, it seemed to sync faster, as if it knew her.

AAH here we go!

I love the plot and writing style! I think that you overused the word ‘she’, though. Maybe ‘Celia was good at her job’ instead of ‘She was good at her job’ would help! I’m pretty sure every time is supposed to be two words, but don’t quote me on it lol. It would be nice if you were been a bit clearer with what Celia’s job was and what she was operating.

Lately, she had been dreaming of places she didn’t know. An endless field, a dark room, a voice calling a name she didn’t answer to.

She disregarded them as just a minor side effect of her job. Nothing too serious.

But the dreams kept coming, every time she blinked she could see them again.

Sometimes, when she looked in the mirror, she didn’t know if her reflection was entirely hers anymore.

Well done! This really hooked me in <33 perhaps there’s a little bit of overuse of the comma and of the word ‘she’ again, though. Instead of commas, you could try something like ‘But the dreams kept coming *and* every time’, for example.

-ꕥ-

The patient’s name was Chris Shuman. Mid forties. Request wants a partial dampening of his grief. Target: loss of a partner, unresolved.

Celia didn’t pay much attention to the grief index, letting the computer handle all the metrics. People weren’t numbers but the system treated them as such.

She adjusted the neural cord around his temple and headed over to the computer. The man gave her a small nod but said nothing. Most of them didn't.

The system started the sync.

She waited for the memory to load. It was slow, grief always is. Happy ones zipped through like static while the painful ones stuck like slime.

Memory detected.

This was extremely clear and interesting, good job! Maybe a comma after ‘the man gave her a small nod’ would help with the pacing. The personification was really nicely placed and written!

Tomato pasta in a pan and red wine. They swayed to the music, something Celia didn’t recognize. His wife laughs mid sentence as she stirred the pan. Then: Cold metal bed rails, the smell of disinfectant, the buzzing of machines, wires and tubes hooked up to a lifeless body. Crying. Then silence.

Celia stayed neutral. She had been trained to stay distant even though she was fully immersed in the memory. But then, something glitched.

In the corner of the memory, a flicker.

A person.

Celia blinked. Once. Twice. Focused.
It was a little girl, standing at the side of the memory like she didn’t belong. Two braids, and a red coat. Her hands gripping onto a letter. She wasn’t looking at Chris, but straight through the memory. At Celia.

I would prefer not including the second ‘then’ (crying. then silence.) since you used one a bit before that, or changing one of them up to not sound repetitive. There’s a tiny issue with an extra space right before ‘but then, something glitched’. But the actual plot was really engaging in this part and you really created some suspense!

Celia knew her.

Knew the shape of the little hands and the girl’s round, dark eyes. Knew that it unmistakably was her.

She tore off the headset.

The man stirred. “Is it over?” he asked, groggily.

Celia swallowed, then nodded, voice thin. “Yes. The session is complete. You might feel minor headaches or a little lightheadedness for a few hours.”

He begins to get up, rubbing his eyes. “You know, I’ve seen that girl in my dreams before. The girl in red. But, I don’t think she was ever real.” he says absent-mindedly.

Celia didn’t respond.

Because she was real.

She didn’t know why she was in the guy’s dream.

Great ending! The plot twist was incredible and I really want to know what happens next lol! A few minor things though. You briefly switched to present tense when the man began to get up. The last three sentences were all quite dramatic and could all be good endings so perhaps add something extra to give the final sentence a feel of finality (like ‘and she didn’t know why’, for example)!

Overall, I really love your writing style and use of vocabulary! However, the pacing was a little patchy. In the future, maybe focus a little more on grammar. This piece of writing didn’t showcase much character development in Celia but you certainly really got to know her! For critiques I’ve done in the past I’ve written so much more for each section! But for this one it’s already so polished, so take that as a compliment ;D it was a pleasure to critique your work!

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400 points

Last edited by taylorsversion-- (July 10, 2025 23:10:56)

unercornshine

THAT girl

I'm not a huggie kinda girl.
Squeal over boys kinda girl.
Obsess over looks kinds girl.
Come to school for friends kinda girl.
'Besties for the resties' kinda girl.
'Did u watch that film?' kinda girl

I have that girl buried deep inside me somewhere, ready to be embraced.

I'm a touch me and i'll cut ur hand off kinda girl.
Come to school only for grades kinda girl.
Find me hiding in a corner reading a book kinda girl.

A confident girl when the time is right.
A vocal girl when the time is right.
'You wont ever forget her' when the time is right.

But when the time is not ‘right’ i'm a just wanna be left alone kinda girl.

A part of me wants to be the vibrant kinda girl. The fun, comfort kinda girl.
A part of me says that's all a sham that kinda girl. Protect urself from hurt kinda girl. I need to focus on my studies kinda girl.
What's left says i can be both kinda girls, but that one's always stampeded.

I write about a closed of character finding their light. How horrible they were when they were distant and cold. It's a story of course, and so there's always someone to save them.
There's no one to save me.
I don't wanna be a cold character. A distant character. Waiting for someone to save them kinda character. And i'm a no one's ever coming back for me character.
Cuz i'm falling and it's too late to catch me.

I always say it's fake. I tell myself i'm pretending. I tell myself i can't get too close and so i have to put a mask on.

I might actually be THAT kinda girl. My mask might be becoming me. Bcs the happy me is fading away. I reach out a hand for her to grab but she refuses to hold on.

I wander what made me that kinda girl. Was is them or me? Am i becoming the me i have been made to be?

354 words rant

Alfalfa78

critique for lune!

- - -

My (summarized) overall thoughts are that it's very interesting and I'd like to see what's next!

I also do like the way that Rona and Aderyn first meet. Very natural, especially considering that they're both kids who seem to be A), bored and B), way out of their depth.

This is a really good story, and I'm excited to see what comes next. However one comment I have is that I (personally) think it could use a few more descriptors (adverbs and adjectives) as well as some showing, instead of telling.

Like, for example, maybe describe where Rona and Aderyn are in more depth. But a piece of advice that I've seen floating around the internet is that you should show what the reader won't ever get to experience. So, (assuming that this is set in a fictional land/country) I think just a tiny bit of description about the clearing would make it even better.

Other than that, I think it's super good! I can't wait to see what happens next!

- - -

(167 words)

moosywoosy

◆◇◆◇◆ CROSS EXAMINATION 1: FOR @STARF1SH8 ◆◇◆◇◆

(Note: I don’t know anything about Merlin show or Arthurian Legend, so this is from a general writing point of view!)

Positives:

Description
One of the first things I noticed about this piece when I started reading it, was that the description was absolutely on point. It’s painting a picture in the reader’s head—which is exactly what we want. This is especially true in the beginning paragraph, working as a great lead. Additionally, a lot of times when I see writers with a lot of description in their writing, they sometimes make it hard to understand due to the amount of description there is. However, I found that I could still understand what was happening despite all the description. This also wants me to mention that this is another strength of yours I didn’t think I had enough to say for it to get its own section: Clarity.

Characters
The dynamics between the characters are really well done! We get to get a look at all the personalities of all the characters in the Players of Ascetir, and how they interact with each other. I especially liked the moment between Michael and David when they were checking inventory. I thought it was a nice moment between the two characters showing their playful dynamic and personalities. Additionally, I like David’s character becoming softer when Michael puts the wig on him. It doesn’t feel forced, which is important when making characters' personalities different then what we’ve seen.

Negatives:

Run-on sentences
I noticed that a lot of times that you write run-on sentences. I think this happens most often when you’re writing large paragraphs of description. I think sometimes you overuse commas, or don’t use them at all when needed, I noticed that you sometimes don't use commas before conjunctions (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) Don’t worry, I struggle with this too sometimes.

(Example: “As the evening draws to a close, a small, horse-drawn trailer trundles between endless stretches of firs guarding either side of the winding road as the melodramatic dissonance of creaking wood cuts through the captivating hum of stridulating insects” The description is great, but I think a period should go before ‘as the melodramatic dissonance’ and then remove the as.)

(Another example: “I found out Olaf is insanely protective over his daughter so he might not respond well to any romantic undertones.” A comma should be before so, since it’s a conjunction.)

Commas at the end of dialogue
Sometimes you use a comma at the end of dialogue when it should be a period. I didn’t see this /that/ much, but I think I should bring it up anyways. If it's dialogue that’s broken by a speaker tag, and then more from the same speaker is after, then you can use a comma. However, I noticed that you used a comma instead of a period when the character had finished talking at times.

(Example: “I’m serious! I think it would suit you. Come onnn,” This was the end of Michael’s dialogue, so instead of a comma it should be a period I think.)

Em dashes
Em dashes are used to put emphasis on words, I think a lot of times you use them on words that don’t need emphasis, and ones that should be a comma instead of an em dash.

(Example: “State your—erm—business.” The ‘erm’ here doesn’t need emphasis, so it should be commas instead of em dashes.)

General Thoughts:
Overall, this is really well-written! The description is on-point and all the characters are incredibly well-made! Really, the only critiques I had were relating to grammar, and I didn’t particularly have much to comment on the story itself. One small comment I have is the fact that while you have a lot of description, I noticed you didn’t have many similes! This is more so a personal preference, but I think it’d be nice for your writing to include more similes or figurative language in general, especially since you have a lot of description.

♖ | 652 words (including word-for-word sentences from the writing)
♜ | 581 words (excluding word-for-word sentences from the writing)

indigo----

critiquitaire with/for navy!! july 10th, 2025

Hi Navy!! I just wanted to start out by saying thank you for letting me critique this poem!! I read through it and it is NOT a very bad poem like you say it is. I really enjoyed reading this poem, as it is very relatable to people and comes through with a clear message to the reader. Anyways, without further ado, let's get started!!

Right off the bat, you start with a few lines that catch the attention of the reader. The first two lines almost immediately make the reader interested in the poem. I personally have always found that writing poems to keep the writer interested is hard, but you obviously had no trouble with this! The first stanza is a really good hook, which I really like. I also really liked the last line of the stanza. I wouldn't call it personification exactly, but it really paints a picture in my mind.

the voices in my head,
they aren't mine
they claim to be nice,
then point out my insecurities
laughing at my face.

In the next few lines, you start to elaborate on what the voices tell you. But after one stanza, you stop telling exactly what they were saying and switch to saying that the voices kept insisting they were right. I would suggest adding more about what insecurities the voices starting pointing out to you and making more visible, in a sense.

they tell me
my body
will never look
the way i want

After this stanza, you don't really elaborate more on other insecurities being pointed out to you. If you were able to, it would really make the poem shine and make it more relatable to the reader.

I really liked the metaphor (simile? I'm not good with telling the difference between the two sometimes) that you incorporated in the next stanza(s) following. I think that, to me, it really helps the reader (me, in this case) understand what exactly the voices are saying, though it would be amazing if you could explain more what the game of chess is referring to. Is it life in general, school, or anything else? I mean, it could take away the poetic feel of it, but I really did like this part.

and i'm
just a pawn

in this
twisted game of
chess.

I really felt a connection to the poem and poet (you!) in this next section of the poem. To me, this is the most relatable part of the poem, because we all have a voice inside our head telling us bad things, and we tell ourselves that it doesn't matter. But at some point in life, we all have a moment where the voices get to us, and then they matter, even if we tell them that they don't.

and all i can say
to contradict them
is that
it doesn't matter

but it does,
and they know that.

In this next part, it almost feels like you could add another figurative language thing. If you add a few more lines with a simile, for example, something like “as i listen to the voices that are laced with the burning contempt of a million suns” (do not take that as a good example; that was a very bad example and obviously you would write something way more amazing) then it could give a more descriptive feel to it. Adding figurative language here could also help the poem balance itself out, as you include descriptive sort-of figurative language earlier in the piece. But otherwise, I feel like these two lines sort of tie back to YOU, because after talking so much about the voices the reader (ME) sort of wonders what your reaction to the voices is, and so these lines help with that!

i wither
and squirm

I'm not sure if the rhyming here is intentional or not, but either way I like it!! And I'm not sure if “they” is a grammar mistake or if it's meant to be that way, but it sounded a little bit off to me.

they voices in my head
they won't go away

they voices in my head
beg to stay,

AHHHH I LOVE THIS LINE SO MUCH!! I love the metaphor here, and it just really helps the reader to visualize and understand what is going on in your mind. Plus I just really love metaphors and similes that reference to drowning in a sea of .

until i'm drowning in a sea of thoughts

I also really love the ending! It leaves the reader with a question that echoes in their mind, if you will, and that question sort of lingers even after finishing the poem.

“why me?”

Overall, I loved this poem. I think you really need to give yourself more credit, because this truly is a work of art. I think that throughout the piece you could add some figurative language, but that really is my only major critique for your poem. Again, your poem connects with the audience, which to me is a really important thing to keep in mind when writing. Thank you again for letting me critique your poem, it really was a joy to read and think about more than I might have if just reading it, and I hope this critique is what you were looking for!! I look forward to reading more of your writing (especially poems) in the future!

—
778 words (omg)

- celeste

opheliio

I swing my legs over the edge of the bench, fiddling with my two braids. I could’ve waited, yes. But when it comes to this time of year, we have a little tradition. So of course I’m early today. Of course this is the one day I show up to my weekly Girl Scouts meeting.

With both action, characterizing the narrator as someone restless and anticipatory, and an unknown, you immediately draw the reader in with this opening paragraph! The question of what this tradition is that could bring someone otherwise so disinterested in their scouting endeavors to attend a meeting leaves the reader wanting an answer, and bids them read on. The tone is humorous already, with a casualness and self awareness that fits the actions the narrator is taking.

“Annie, what are you doing here so early?” It’s the leader.

Now the reader is being shown something they were previously told— that Annie doesn’t often show up for meetings— really underlining the fact that their presence at this one is a break from the norm. I like the simple dialogue tag, it contibutes to Annie’s impatience and matter-of-factness.

I quickly jump to the floor, slipping my green Girl Scouts vest on, (which, don’t ask me why it still doesn’t have any badges on it after nearly a year of life skills). The leader sighs, “Annie, you’re never here early.”

Is life skills a particular year in Girl Scouts? The statement otherwise seems to contradict Annie’s previous exposition that they have a meeting like this one every year, which Annie has taken part in at least a few times previously. Nice detail that Annie isn’t already wearing the vest, and the parenthetical addition also adds to the humor!

I frown, “But, Troop Leader Jodie, I’m here early today!”
“Where’s your mom?” The leader pleads.
I shake my head, “She dropped me off. Why?”
Why does it seem like she wants me to go home? “Because we might not have a meeting anymore. The girls rarely ever show up to any of the meetings,” Troop Leader Jodie sighs again, and points to a table, filled with cookie boxes.

Conflict! I suspect Annie will completely ignore the fact that the troop could be shutting down and only care about the cookies. The dialogue in this exchange is nice, though the “pleads” dialogue tag is more dramatic than Annie’s narration has been previously and more dramatic than the otherwise burnt out, sighing leader is elsewhere in the story.

A sheepish little smirk forms on my lips. The leader shakes her head and puts it in the palm of her hand, “We barely have enough money to even keep the troop running.”

Looks like the leader feels the same way! This is very well-done characterization of both Annie, who really is just there for the cookies and doesn’t care about the troop she doesn’t attend anyways, and the leader, who knows this already but still tries to appeal to her possible attachment to the troop.

I look down at my feet. Then I shrug. Make myself look as innocent as possible, and I’m one step closer. I bite my lip, “Well, we have cookies?”
“Well, we have cookies,” Troop Leader Jodie repeats.
This is exactly what I need to hear. They continue, “yes, we have cookies. You know what?”
The leader grabs a green box from off the table, and walks over to me. They hand me the cookies, “You might as well have some since you’re here early.”
I grab them eagerly, and instantly open up one of the packages inside. Then I smile as I pop the crunchy chocolatey goodness into my mouth.

And Annie gets exactly what she wants! On the whole, this is a really tightly written, funny short story. You’ve done set up and payoff, showing and telling, and characterization very well, and this definitely seems like something that could really happen.

Thanks for letting me read and give feedback on this story, I really enjoyed it!

FireBlood23

CRITIQUE FOR ELFIE
403 words
Elfie's piece here

Hi Elfieeeeee, so personally I have never read Frankenstin, but this was a really good first impression. I loved so many things about this piece, and your writing style is amazing, it fits the idea that you had so well.

Things I loved -

The way you organized the piece, and your sentence structures. You remained consistent and your style seemed to match with the summary you put earlier, which made it feel seamless to read and was quite a nice touch.
I also loved the way you captured the man, or womans, opinions and idea of the monster throughout the piece. The way he began as a ‘scion of evil’ to end as a ‘fallen angel’ felt like we had gone through a whole reconditioning in just those few short paragraphs.
And it wasn’t a drag to read either, I was interested in what the characters had to say throughout the whole story.
It was quite a philosophical thing to read, and I quite enjoyed it.

Improvements -

This is a big part of what I liked, but it could also be seen as negative; If I’m being quite honest, I didn’t know what was going on half of the time. That could be credited to the fact that I’m not used to reading pieces like this, but I had no idea about a lot of the vocabulary that you used, and some of the sentences made it a little difficult to figure out what was going on.
I completely get that this is somewhat in the style of the century of what the original was written, but it might be something you want to consider if you want to continue refining this piece.

I’m also not sure about who exactly is having this interaction, and I completely get if that's part of the artistic choice, but if you’re looking to adding some clarity then confirming this, even in a sentence or line would definitely help the reader, especially if they’re looking to know some information on the twos backstory.

Final thing I’d suggest, is a little nitpicky, but you use the word ‘creature’ quite a lot, which compared to how varied the rest of the vocab you use, feels mildly repetitive, even when we know it's not.

Let me know if you’d like me to elaborate on anything I’ve said here. Your writing is amazing, thank you for letting me critique it <3
- Liv

FireBlood23

CRITIQUE FOR MILDRED
454 words
Mildreds piece here

This is giving me serious flashbacks to the Sci-Fi Time Machine hehe, and I love this piece!! It's so good :star_struck:
The ending almost made me cry, you can’t just do that ( /lh

Okay!! Things I liked!! -

I loved how easy this was to read, it didn’t feel like it was weighing me down with each sentence and word, it felt natural.
I also loved how Sonya handled when Jonas came back in time, it felt very on point for her character, from what we’d learnt.
I love how the characters interact, the way you’ve shown their relationship through the dialogue and how you’ve shown how they each feel for each other in just a short story. It didn’t feel forced, it was really good.
Also the repetition of the butterfly metaphor, beautiful, it ties all the scenes together well, and it's an amazing phrase.

Improvements! -

You leaned forward and patted my head, a loud yelp coming from me. I looked back at you, you and your smug grin. Though, I had to admit my lips twitched upwards.
I’m unsure if ‘yelping’ is the right word here, so you may want to say that they patted hard enough for them to yelp, or that it came as a shock and that's why they yelped?

I also think that Sonya was rather accepting towards her death in such a short time, and I understand that her character is likely more focused on the fabric of time than her impending doom, but I think that her showing some form of shock or such around it would solidify her character as a flawed character and not the almighty lover?

I also feel like the pacing towards the end was quite fast, which perfectly matches the vibe of the scene, however and it might just be me, but it felt like a rather sudden change. Using the countdown to slowly speed up the pace might help show the characters slow build to panic and make that final scene even stronger?

And a final suggestion, I mentioned the butterfly wing earlier, and you’ve used it throughout your piece, but using it without actually using it might help it gain more weight in the story? Say, when shes time travelling you make a small reference to flapping wings, or paper flying through the air? Small things like that to build up the phrase.
Only a suggestion though, and I completely get if you’d rather not make those changes.

Your writing is amazing Mildred, I’d be shocked if you didn’t get mentioned in the competition. I hope my suggestions can help you at all, and thank you so much for letting me critique your writing; I loved it so much.
- Liv

Last edited by FireBlood23 (July 11, 2025 01:25:22)

Alfalfa78

conversations

- - -

“Uh,” Abigail started. “What’s the dress code for the morning thing again?” she asked, mostly to herself as she reached for the notes her mother had given her the day before.

“Casual,” Cassian said from where he leaned on the wall. “Which means a simple skirt and shirt or a dress for you.”
She paused, the notes in her hand. She glanced down to them, and, yep. Cass was right. Casual attire was acceptable, for once in her (admittedly kind of short) life.

“Why do you know that, and I don’t?” she asked, frowning slightly. She was supposed to be the one who knew that. Not Cass. Cass was a knight, that stuff didn’t apply to him.

“Maybe because I actually listen when your mother speaks?” he said, glancing over to her.

“… so, you’re saying that I don’t listen to my mom?” she asked him, deadpan. She was just messing with him; his reactions were always funny. At this point, he should know when she was joking but, apparently not.

His eyes widened, and he blushed. “N—no. That’s not what I’m saying,” he stuttered. “I just—” he cut himself off when she started giggling. A hand rose to her mouth as she attempted to stifle her laughter.

“You know I’m only messing with you about that, right?” she asked, a bright smile on her face.

“… yes,” he answered after a long moment. He glanced away.

“Uh, huh,” she hummed, grinning all the while.

After a long moment, she sighed softly.

“Thanks, by the way,” she said, voice quiet. “You’ve always got my back.”

“Of course, princess,” he said, and she was sure that a hint of a smile touched his face. “It is my job, after all.”

- - -

(291 words)

pipxrm

Critique for @ReadWriteSing (840 words wow)
Ok firstly I wanna say I LOVE this idea and you did insanely well with it (I barely noticed the lack As). This ended up getting really long but please know that it's not cause there was a lot to criticize, your writings just so sophisticated that there's a lot of minuscule stuff I nitpicked on.

While I was writing the sign off, I suddenly remembered that there can't be any As (credit to your writing that I entirely forgot) so I went back and emboldened (is that the right word) all the suggestions with an A so you can still get the idea but maybe try rephrasing it.

A
fter you, I scribble in my bed, the clock ticking closer, closer to morning’s colors
I tell to the lines
to everyone in the future who finds this
to everyone who needs it
the things I needed to know before you. I write:

You have such an amazing ability to change ordinary sentences like “I wrote in my journal about you” into beautiful lines I wanna reread. The only possible suggestion I have is changing “to everyone in the future who finds this” to something shorter like “to everyone who may find this” for better flow if it doesn't damage the meaning too much.

The story of my life is nothing like yours
First is the sorrow, then comes the drops of it down my ghostly cheeks
I cry skimming over these lines. You never cried;
you told me it ruined your perfect complexion
you told me only feeble girls cried
you told me lies

Doing amazing at painting an image! I think you could maybe change the last line to “you told so many lies” although it does pack less of a punch.

The story of my life is hollow without your smile
First is the emptiness, then comes putting myself together
The process of journeying to something like before
difficult but worth it
difficult but needed, everything I need is in this
difficult but you were never worth it

I love the repetition, both the segments and the lines.
Also, the way you're subtly telling the story is so ADHAKSJDHKASH (translation: I love it so much)
The first stanza set the stage and told the context, the second told us about her character, and the third line tells us what she did and how you're trying to move on.

Improvements

I'd maybe change “together” to “back together” which also supports the “journeying to something like before” message.
I don't really like the “everything I need is in this” part (maybe it needs more expansion) but my best replacement right now is adding some adjective before the “needed” such as “desperately needed”.
Maybe change the last line to something like “difficult but you were too” which I think sounds better but removes the repetition so idk

The story of my life needs rewriting, you won’t be in the finished book
I envisioned us to be forever, but I know now forever is full of lies
Looking over this line, I know I’m telling the truth
Forever is the bunny on the midnight to midnight of the cross
Forever is the old guy slipping down the chimney
Forever is the you who used to be

I'm not really sure if I like the use of lies in the other section if it's mentioned more deeply here (this is a minuscule issue though, your writing's basically perfect already).
I think the third line would be better as something like “Our forever is at a standstill, now frozen in time”

The story of my life needs someone new, I’m mostly cured,
I no longer need to be in my room, lonely, sobbing
I’m not fully fixed, though, I’ll never be
there would be nothing to be restored if there’s you, me, us
there would be joy in the world, smiles shining on me, ones you’d tell me looked so pretty
there would be moments of silence

Although I love the line, I feel like “The story of my life needs someone new” is a bit out of place because the stanza doesn't talk about needing or finding someone new. Maybe you could elaborate on that in another stanza and the repeated part could be “I need”.
I’ll never be -> I never will be? (once again me nitpicking)
I don't really understand the last few lines but that's probably more on me ^^“
A line I think would fit well in this stanza would be ”I'll always miss“ which could replace the ”I'll never be" but that would require a lot of changes.

The story of my life is new life bubbling from the depths of the dejected thoughts of my mind
You left behind for me to sink in, hopeful I would never return from the deep end
You left me to sink in my guilt, my wonderings of:
Did I do something wrong?
Did I tell you to go, somehow?
How is there something so pressing you would desert me… forever?

New life -> Revival?
I think the first line is a bit lengthy, maybe shorten it to key ideas like just “bubbling from the depths of my mind” which admittedly loses a lot of meaning but flows a lot better.
You left behind for me to sink -> You left me slowly sinking (I feel like my critique is starting to get lazy but I'm tryna quickly get this done before breakfast so BEAR WITH ME. Also the majority of the stuff I'm finding now are just slight phrasing issues so just pick what suggestions you like)
Did I tell you to go, somehow? -> Did I somehow tell you to leave?
How is there something so pressing you would desert me… forever? -> What did I do for you to desert me… forever?

The story of my life is now new countries, cities, joy without sorrow
You’ve been removed from where you once belonged
I journey from town to town, never settling, never moving too much
Never continuing with one routine
Never letting myself think for one moment
Never hoping you will return to me

This stanza's really good! Also as a side note, this doesn't seem very healthy. I hope you have a support system and if anything ever gets too much, you can always talk to me <33

The story of my life used to be memories of you
The you of long before, the one I wished for with everything
I used to sit in my bed, twiddling my thumbs, I would spend hours upon hours
Remembering your smile, giggle, the intelligent twinkle in your eye
Remembering how it felt to be joyful, free of need, just me
Remembering your hisses, your bellows, your millions of pet peeves

felt to be -> felt so

The story of my life used to be full of hurt
The you in it is gone now
Some of me is in triumph, knowing you will never return, gleeful I’ll never more listen to you yell
Some of me is suffering; when push comes to shove, I would tell you
I loved you
But now I know forever is full of lies

The you in it is gone now -> But now the you in it is gone
is in triumph -> triumphs (I think this sounds better but I get that it removes the repeated “is”)
gleeful I’ll never more listen to you yell -> that I'll nevermore hear you yell
Some of me is suffering; when push comes to shove, I would tell you -> Some of me is suffering. If push came to shove, I would tell you
I loved you -> I forever loved you (I don't know if it aligns with what you're trying to convey, but this ties in with the ending and kinda says you don't anymore, like you've moved on)

Whoa finally done. I loved your writing so much and I'm honestly in a bit of shock that you used no As. (this is where I realised my mistake)
I'd love to read some of your other pieces if you'd let me. Now if you'd excuse me, I'm gonna go eat.

- Piper <3

Last edited by pipxrm (July 11, 2025 02:29:10)

-NotWillow-

daily - july 11
525 words … last updated 07.10.2025

I had a conversation with my dad about computer-generated art, and how it's not real art because it doesn't express anything. Now, if someone actually got good at coding and could express themself through computer-generated art, then it would be considered art.

Well, what is art in the first place? That's what I will be talking about today.

»»————-　⚜　————-««

Art is a tool used by people to express themselves. It's a way for them to share their opinions, without needing to find the right words, or being judged by others. It's not just some pretty drawing on a piece of paper, if that was the case, then art is not an expression. It would be a chore, something people just did for money and attention. Things like sculpting, writing, and music are all a way for people to share their emotions. So if art was considered “a drawing on a paper,” then those wouldn't be considered art.

You may be thinking, “well expressive art is just abstract art, right?” No. Not all expressive art is abstract art. Sure, the artist may be painting a beautiful scenery in their country, but it still represents something. It could represent their love for the country. Or maybe, it's not as obvious as that. Maybe they gave it muted, and cool colors to show the sadness in the beauty. This doesn't only apply for paintings. In origami, the creator still expresses themselves in it. For example, Sadako folded paper cranes not only to have her wish granted — but to also represent her hope. Hope not just for her sickness, but hope that people will change, that nothing like that ever happened again.

Well, what about portraits? Portraits reflect those around us. They still show us emotions and dreams. Not just that of the muse, but also of the painter. Through colors, facial expressions, clothing, and backgrounds. Pretend that there's two portraits. One with a sunny background, warm colors, smiling person who is wearing a lovely dress. Whereas the other one is a dull background, cool colors, and a person wearing a black dress with a frown on her face. Both tell different stories. One is happy on a beautiful day, the other is serious and it is a somber day for them.

“Now, what if you're acting in a play? That's not the real me, I'm just playing as someone else.” In that case, you are still showing yourself to the audience. Still expressing yourself. Usually you wouldn't audition for a character if you didn't like who they were in the story. Typically, people like relatable characters, and characters who are easy for them to act as. Even if the character isn't completely you, there is still some part of you there. “But my character is the complete opposite from me!” Maybe that shows that you're someone who empathizes with others. Someone who wants to help others by being in their shoes. Maybe by acting as someone completely different from you, you're saying you want to change who you currently are. Art not only expresses, but reveals us.

This is why art can't be replaced by AI, or be computer-generated. Art shows and reveals the artist's inner-self. Emotions bring life to the plays, sculptures, metal-working. Every form of art, including tapestry, calligraphy, architecture, shares a story. Art connects us all. It gives us something to relate to. That's what compels us, as a viewer/listener, to the piece. It brings out human struggle that we all go through. Art doesn't mask anything, instead it brings out the truth, and that's the beauty of art.

»»————-　⚜　————-««

525 words

Last edited by -NotWillow- (July 11, 2025 03:04:55)

kenzoie

Guysss I'm confused

,
I just found this forum like a minute ago and I'm in ˚˖ The Utopian Inbetween ₊༄ ݁. July ‘25 . ݁₊ cabin

(( I don’t know what to do this….!!!!!

indigo----

july 11 daily <3

—

She looks up from scrolling on her phone when I walk in and smiles that smile that I have gotten to know over the past year. Only a year? I mean, I’ve known her for basically my whole life, but didn’t talk to her all that much before theater. I sit down on the couch and she asks about theater. And immediately I groan, because theater is half fun and half… not fun.
Being the lead, for me, is not fun. I mean, in some ways it CAN be, because you get the spotlight and lots of scenes and YAY!!!! But to me, I feel like the lead is stressful. You need to memorize your lines, your songs, everything way more than if you were a supporting character. And to me, supporting characters are more interesting than main characters in some shows, not all, and I feel like this is the case for my current show. I mean, I’m the main character, who is supposed to be serious. But in the middle of one of my solos I burst out laughing, and I am the least serious person in the world.
And I am stuck as the main character.
Thankfully, I have like fifty million scenes with my best friend in the whole wide world, Sky, which gives me comedic relief because her character is very comedic relief. Plus, I also interact with my child (well actually, she is Sky’s child, but in the show she is mine) who is literally so amazingly sassy, funny, and sweet while also being so amazingly good at acting. These girls make it easier for me to act almost, and for that I appreciate it. And I have another friend, though I don’t have any scenes with her (sadly).
As soon as I mention I got the lead, my friends start coming over to congratulate me, and I really don’t know how to feel about it. I’m grateful for their support, but at the same time… I don’t like it.
I don’t know. I mention other people’s roles to my friend, to which she listens with mild interest. It had felt good to let it all out to someone who would listen.

—-
368 words

indigo----

critiquitaire with/for eva!! | july 11th, 2025 | 1118 words

Hi Eva! I'm Celeste, but I think we've talked before (I vaguely recall stealing your magical Bi-Fi donuts…). Anyways, I'd like to thank you for letting me critique this writing piece! I really enjoyed reading it and still can't stop re-reading it because the premise is really interesting, and the way that you built more on it is really interesting. I hope that this critique helps you in the future with your writing!

–

Right away, the first sentence draws the reader (right now, that would be me!) in, and already I want to know more about the story. And that's good! It's important to keep the reader interested in your story, and you can't do that if you don't make it captivating right from the start (which, I'm glad to say, you have successfully done). I also really love your descriptions, comparing then to now. I do feel like the part about her waking up is a bit rushed, though. Since she's been asleep for a hundred years, she wouldn't be accustomed to things such as sunlight, for example (unless I'm missing something about her sleep so this doesn't apply). Then you could elaborate more on her reaction to things she hasn't experienced or seen in a while.

Lyria awoke to see that her temple, her home, was not quite how she’d left it. A hundred years before, it had all been fine. People came and visited occasionally, but mostly she and her temple were left alone. The columns were still standing tall, the fountains still spewed water, the marble floors were relatively clean. Now, most of the columns were broken or cracked, the fountains were dry and crumbling, and the floors were covered in dust and dirt. Vines crept across the walls.

–

I think that integrating the part about her once being alive and not a statue is really a defining part of the story because it appeals to the reader, making them wonder why that is. And I also think that you could- and should! It definitely would be more wonderful to read, if that's even possible because it already is amazing- elaborate more on her backstory. Why is she a statue? If the “hero” cursed her because she was trying to protect the temple, what makes the temple special? What was her life like before then?

Once upon a time, she had friends. Once upon a time, she was truly there. Once upon a time she was made of flesh and bone.
Lyria shook the thoughts away. She wouldn’t go back to before. She couldn’t.

–

Again, it might be helpful to elaborate more- but this time, on what exactly she did to try and repair the temple. And I also wondered if by saying she was enchanted, did that mean that she had magical powers, or she was just a talking/living statue?

Lyria spent the next few weeks singing to herself, racing the birds, and trying desperately to fix her temple. It was useless. Though she was enchanted, she couldn't fix what was broken beyond repair. Lyria wished she had never woken up to this cruel world. This world that would destroy the only thing she had left to love.

–

I bet my parents could hear my excited gasp from the other room- yay! Another person! Personally I love introducing characters, because it helps move the plot along, and it's just fun to create interesting characters. And from this paragraph (help I almost said stanza) I can already tell that this is going to be a very interesting character! Maybe something you could try is integrating their appearance into the action, if you will, instead of stating it aloud. I do this a lot while worldbuilding or introducing a new character. Instead of stating things out directly as one, I try to put it into the action instead. For example, if my character has blond hair and blue eyes (I do NOT have a character with these traits), I might say something like:

The girl walked into the grocery store, ocean-blue eyes darting around quickly. As she made her way inside, the light shone through a window, lighting up her blond hair and making it shine gold in the morning sunlight.

I do this quite a lot, and it is really helpful (and it gives you more words!).

“Hello?” An unknown voice called. Lyria turned around, startled. Peering at the crumbling temple was a person. The person, who had dark brown hair, bronze skin, and alert blue eyes, took a step toward where Lyria was. Lyria quickly froze in place, disguising herself as part of the temple.

–

Just a small (grammar?) thing I wanted to point out: I'm not sure if you meant for this to be one sentence, or if the comma was supposed to be a period (and if it was, please let me know so I can UNCRITIQUE you on this bit), but I would have a couple of suggestions. Instead of:

“Oh . . . how beautiful,” They reached out to run their finger across Lyria’s arm.

You could write it as:

“Oh… how beautiful,” they spoke under their breath, as they reached out to run their finger across Lyria's arm.

Or:

“Oh… how beautiful.” They reached out to run their finger across Lyria's arm.

Again, if this was intentional, let me know so I can uncritique you (I made up a new word today, apparently) on this!

–

Oooh! I love this part! The way that Lyria describes the instant camera, as something she doesn't know the name of and has never seen before, really shows the passage of time and emphasizes to the reader that she really was asleep for a long time. A lot of developments have been made during her sleep, and it also gives the reader a vague idea of the current time period. This might be one of my favorite parts so far, honestly!

“I wonder who made you . . . ” They stepped back to get a good look at Lyria, then pulled out a curious rectangular device and pushed down on a part of it that stuck out. Lyria was temporarily blinded from the flashing light the device produced. When she could see again, the person held a square of paper in their hands. Lyria only got a glimpse of it, but she could see an incredibly lifelike portrait of her drawn on it. How could they have drawn something that good, that fast? And what was that device? What was it for?

–

Time for me to yoink out my confetti maker because the end is near… Anywhoo, yay! We get the name of the person still in shock because they just found out that Lyria is a living statue of sorts. I also like the open-ended suggestion that Sparrow could help, which makes the reader wonder what Sparrow is able to do to help Lyria! It also leaves a lot of room for imagination, and… fanfics (hint hint wink wink I'm not fangirling what?? Not me). I also really like the “hope blossoming in her heart” bit because I love figurative language. I shall now proceed to die in a corner where I can re-read this properly. I also think that you could elaborate a little bit more on Sparrow's emotions near the end. Are they happy? Excited? I think this could reflect a little bit in the way that they walked away from the temple. Are they skipping? Dragging their feet? Just a few things to think about, because even the smallest details make a large difference!

“I-I’m Sparrow. And . . . I’m sorry about your temple,” They - Sparrow - said.
“I wish there was something I could do to fix it, but I don’t know how.” She smiled sadly.
“Well . . . I might be able to help.”
“Really? You would do that?” Lyria perked up, hope blossoming in her heart.
“Uh . . . Yeah? I don’t really have much else to do, and this place is really pretty. I don’t see why not.”
“But there’s one small problem. How?”
“You’ll see. I’ll be back tomorrow!” Sparrow waved, and with that, walked away.

–

Ah yes, the ending. I shall now proceed to throw confetti into the air. Okay, so I liked your ending. It's really open ended and leaves the reader with questions and speculations on what could happen next in the story. I always have trouble with endings (they're really bad) so I admire your ease in ending this story!

Perhaps this was the beginning of something new. Something wonderful.

In fact, can I steal that as a quote?? (Just kidding!)

–

As a whole, I loved your story. There were so many elements of it, including descriptiveness and the situation that Lyria is in, that draw in the reader (once again, it was me this whole time) and make them want to keep reading. This is, like I said before, important and sometimes hard to do, and you've done it! I would say that the biggest things I noticed were mostly little things: adding description, sprinkling description like sprinkles on a cake, and just adding little touches of emotion in. If you add a little bit of pixie dust (still, I cannot get over it) to your writing, it will most definitely make it even more magical. I hope you continue writing, especially adding on to this story, because I want to know what happens next (who wouldn't?). You're a talented storyteller, and I hope to be able to read more of your writing in the not-so-distant future!! (And maybe the distant future too. Who knows?)

Last edited by indigo---- (July 11, 2025 07:53:40)

Queen_Bee_12

Today during my screen break, I decided to go talk to my little brother. He was sitting at the kitchen table building something with LEGOs, super focused like it was the most important thing in the world. I usually just walk past or tease him, but this time I sat down and asked him what he was building.

He looked up, kind of surprised, and said it was a spaceship. Then he started explaining all the parts, the blaster cannons, the escape pod, and even a tiny bathroom he built out of a white brick and a sticker. It was honestly kind of hilarious.

I helped him find a missing piece and even added a wing. We ended up laughing about how the pilot minifigure kept falling out every time we shook it. It wasn’t anything huge, but it made him smile, and it made me feel good too. I don’t usually take time to just chill with him like that.

This little moment reminded me that life isn’t just about what’s happening online. Sometimes the best memories come from the people right around you, even if they’re just your annoying little sibling building weird spaceships in the kitchen.

(244 words)

moosywoosy

◆◇◆◇◆ CROSS EXAMINATION 2: FOR @FireBlood23 ◆◇◆◇◆

Positives

French Lines
I just want to say that I really like the French lines being there! It’s a very nice touch and goes really well with the story’s overall tone due to the fact that French is often seen as the language of love.

Tone/Atmosphere
I absolutely love the melancholy sort of somber tone your writing has, especially since this tone works extremely well with the story you’ve made. This really strengthens the piece, and it works really well! I also like how you can show an emotional balance, there are a lot of emotional scenes, but there’s also a lot of scenes showing their happiness, which only strengthens the emotions in the previous scenes. Also, the ending is such a gut punch. It’s emotional, and that works. The specific line I want to point out is:

“And I felt myself grow still, my hand still against his check, now encased in gold. I smiled, I was with him
And somewhere, somehow, I think he loved me for it.”

Ouch. These two lines make such a strong ending, and like I said before, they’re such an emotional gut punch.

Characters
The two characters never speak, which I think works really well for this piece’s tone and atmosphere. Despite the fact they never speak, we still get a clear view of the personalities of both characters. Their contrast from the beginning to end works incredibly well too. A lot of times when writing dynamic characters some writers can struggle with it feeling forced or rushed, but you did it so well! I also like the relationship the two characters had with each other, it was shown really well.

Negatives

Clarity
While I could overall understand the plot, I think that at times it can get confusing. This is something that I see happen with a lot of writers with a writing style like yours, but sometimes it can get confusing due to the fact that you often use description. At times, I couldn’t tell what was really going on, you don’t have to sacrifice description or change your writing style, you just have to try and be more clear.

Not using commas when needed
While I didn’t notice any run-on sentences, I did notice that at times you used a period when a comma should’ve been used. Remember, commas are used when listing items in a list.

(Example: “Oh so alive. With his warm hands and his bright smile. With his quick feet and laugh that told me he was alive. He was alive.” A comma should go before ‘with his quick feet’ due to the fact that we are listing another item in a list.)

Figurative Language
I’d say that this is a bit more of a personal preference, but while you definitely did use figurative language at times, I feel that there should be more. Especially with your writing style, I think it could be a lot stronger with more figurative language. I think especially metaphors, similes, and personification could work really well with your writing style.

General Thoughts
Overall, this is really well-written! I especially like your writing style, and I think it works especially well with the story you’ve created. My comments don’t really have to do with the story itself, which I think should show you how great this writing is! This would be a really good submission for the writing comp, all it needs is just a bit of polishing!

♖ | 560 words (including word-for-word sentences taken from writing)
♜ | 502 words (excluding word-for-word sentences taken from writing)

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