swc megathread ➷ march 2024

Amethyst-animation

Thank you notes

Alana – alanabanana the awesome-est leader out there, thank you so much for this amazing session! It was your idea to have a “trapped in a fairy tale” storyline and I am so glad we went along with that, because I think this was so much fun (the last minute scrambles to update my WCGs along with it) I really, really hope that we’ll work together in leadership again!

Sienna – AAAAAA my epic fellow co!! You’re always so cheerful and unpredictable, in a great way When Alana first came to me with the message saying that I had an offer for Fairy tales, I checked out your app and that was when I knew I was going to have the best leadership team beside me this session xDD Staying up past midnight to work on the Fairy Tales canva was always so much fun, and the chats we had on there was so wild and chaotic. Like with Alana, I really hope that we’ll work together again <33

Chloe – asdfghjkl detective chloe - sign up to be a leader for next session! I know you’ve been trying for ages, but this session you’ve really put your name out there and many will know you as the hilarious, determined and amazing Chloe. You helped shape the fairy tales cabin during your involvement, and it would not be nearly as fun or the same without you!

Goats – who could you possibly be :eyes: hehe I remember sleep-deprived Amethyst coming up with the idea of having them as our mascots, three for each WCG, after we (alana, sienna and I) were looking at past cabin guides and seeing what to include in ours. Then i went “wait the three billy goats are also fairy tales?” and so the legendary mascots were made :00

Literally everyone in my WCG and Fairy Tales – YOU ARE SO AWESOME, EPIC, AMAZING, EVERY POSITIVE WORD IN THE DICTIONARY! Every. Single. One. Of. You. is well appreciated! I remember getting the list of campers in Fairy Tales for the first time, reading over them and going “this looks like a great lot of people!” I remember inviting everyone in my WCG – ah it was so scary to make a mistake in the messages I sent out, but I appreciate all of you enthusiastic replies (can’t believe that was nearly a month ago?) I hope to see you all next session!

EVERYONE IN SWC – THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR AN AMAZING SESSION!! Regardless of cabin, if I was upset, happy, just wanted to chat about anything, all I would have to do is hop on the main cabin and boom, there were people who understood me. So I wholeheartedly hope I’ll see everyone next session. I can’t wait! <3

Last edited by Amethyst-animation (March 31, 2024 01:40:05)

Amethyst-animation

438 words ^^

I love the idea of this story! Everything, from everyday items being able to chat with Julia, the whole premise– ah, I love stories like these! Since I want to get this out quickly for you so you can finish the weekly soon, I only did most of Part 1, hope that’s okay! A few general things:

For when Julia speaks to items, I’d suggest that you use italics inside of commas, such as this: “insert speech here,” since it’s very confusing for me, as the reader, to understand what Julia means when she’s conversing with, say, the wall or the handles. A lot of times during the piece, I would get confused when regular narration turned into dialogue, which is one of the main reasons I’m suggesting you do this ^^

I think you should work on appropriate reactions, specifically in dialogue. There are a few parts I will point out in the following critique where I will mention reactions.

Now, with that aside, let’s get into it!

It gives me more exciting memories than I’ve had myself.

The wording here is a little awkward. I’d suggest saying something like “the memories that it possesses is a million times more exciting than anything I have”

My mind focuses more. It’s never told me about John before.

Unless this is explained later, how does Julia know John’s memories? I’d suggest clarifying who John is in terms of a relationship with Julia.

There’s even a bit of blood a patch of grass caught!

This is a little confusing to me. Please clarify or reword this sentence!

The moment they leave home – gone.

This too is confusing for me. Who is “they” – the protestors? The bystanders being injured?

Magic was never something I found interesting, even when I was a child, even when I found out citizens used to have it.

Why isn’t it interesting? Does she just not care, or is there some kind of deeper reason here?

“No.” Mum glances at me. “Are you sure?”

This is also confusing. You should rewrite it to something like: “How do you know?” And the response should be: “Just listen to the radio.”, or something like that.

She reaches across to the window, turning on the radio nestled against it. “…continuing across the northern suburbs. This riot is not just bad. It’s feral. The Union are-”

I just wanted to say I really liked this part.

“Thanks, Mum. I think we should leave, at least until the riot stops.”

This is a very abrupt request. Imagine that you hear there’s a riot going on, and your kid somehow knows about it. And all of a sudden she says “we should leave”. Your first reaction wouldn’t be “where would we go?”, you would probably be skeptical that you would need to leave, first. Also, Julia probably wouldn’t just suddenly say: “we should leave”. Perhaps she hesitates or says it slowly, which would make more sense in the scenario.

“Okay.”

Again, she should have a little more of a reaction. Wouldn’t she verbally resist a little more? After all, according to the objects, this could be life-or-death.

please stop, handles. It’s getting annoying.

I like this part – just make sure to capitalise the P.

Conclusion: Great story! Just make sure to keep an eye out for the things I listed earlier <3

Last edited by Amethyst-animation (March 31, 2024 03:01:33)

1lMaM

critique for amethyst-animation

I really loved your fanfic - I think this part was a great place to add a scene, and I love the detail in Jaren's feelings about the characters.
I also loved the description, especially of emotions e.g. “Jaren's head snapped up at the malice laced in her words”, as well as your paragraph format and the one-sentence paragraphs. I especially loved Jaren's description of Kiva - “the daughter of the very woman who wanted to destroy his family, the sister of the one who had caused them so much anguish”.

I think it was the right choice to make it a flashback instead of ‘now’, but at the end I was slightly confused. On the first read-through, I thought the pause and then “footsteps clattered on the stone floor” was simply an interruption, something louder than the scene in front of him, and only at “Oh my gods, you’re awake!” does Jaren come back to reality. On the second, I saw where the flashback actually ended. Maybe it's just me, but perhaps you could make that part clearer as to when reality hits.

Now for specific parts!
“Jaren's eyes darted open.” ‘Darted’ doesn't quite seem like the right way for eyes to open, maybe ‘flew’ or ‘sprung’?

“but all of a sudden Naari was there.” ‘All of a sudden’ seems a bit cliche and almost too… slow for that moment. It's sudden - in those four words, Zuleeka's magic is still coming for him. Naari needs to be there sooner (if all that makes sense).

“Instinctively he thrusted his hands out” ‘Thrusted’ kind of disrupts the flow here. ‘Thrust’ would be better.

“He almost choked on his last words” I'm assuming that's Caldon, but I'm slightly confused - is it Caldon or Jaren?

Thanks! Overall, really great story. Just some very small things, but keep it as a flashback!

Last edited by 1lMaM (March 31, 2024 04:22:10)

wolfiebear-

critique

done for @smartypantschlo <3 324 words

The house I was staying in was an eerie sort of silence. The night was falling over the small town I was in

I like how this opens with a creepy vibe, but the sentence doesn't quite make sense. “Was an eerie sort of silence” could be something like “was filled with an eerie…” instead which would clarify it a bit.

I wasn’t worried though, as I had barricaded the house enough they wouldn’t be able to get in, and even if they did, I had my weapons.

I think something's not quite right with the comma placement here, since it's sort of a run-on sentence. Maybe you could put a period after “get in” and start another one with “Even if…” or remove the comma after “they did.”

Grabbing a can of tomato soup, I downed it like it was a Mnt. Dew.

I'm not a Mountain Dew drinker or anything, so I'm not sure if the abbreviation is common, but the sentence might feel more formal and flow better if you use the full word mountain. I really like the comparison though ^^

I had always kept a journal, always willing to document my life.

I like this sentence, but you did use “always” twice so you might want to change one of them to avoid repetition.

I could have grabbed an old one, but I didn’t. Those happy memories were gone, filled with the shallow remains of my new life.

I just wanted to add that I really liked these lines and the concept they bring up <3

Instead, I had an empty notebook, empty minus the few pages I had written in

Again, you used “empty” twice here, which here is a bit poetic sounding but I thought I'd mention it in case you didn't want that vibe.

I pushed a strand of my black hair out of my face, reading it.

Here there's just a little thing, the “my” before you mentioned the character's hair isn't needed, since they're the only one there.

Kids panicked, and I rushed home, only to find my neighborhood already hit by the zombies, including my house and my parents.

This is a bit of a run-on sentence, so you might want to split it up after home, or really any of the commas if you try hard enough lol

I grabbed an empty backpack, putting a blanket, some canned goods, some bottled water, this empty journal

Again, you used empty twice ^^

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this piece! Aside from a few grammar things it was well written, and I really liked how you make it sound like just a normal person experiencing this crazy event. I also like how you explained it using a journal, which I found very creative <3 I would totally read the rest of it hehe

Also just a note this is my first critique so I'm very sorry if I was too harsh or unhelpful or anything! ^^'

unercornshine

Thank you's

First of all, I want to say thank you to the tyrants of swc for being such great hosts.
I also want to say thank you to EVERYONE in my cabin: script, although i may not send u a personal thank u note, i still want to thank u for being amazing cabin members and making my first session an amazing session, you all hold a place in my heart.

Also, don't take it personally if my note is trashy as hell. I'm really not good at this stuff and sometimes i just dont know how to express my appreciation, so just know that i love u all!!!!! ;D

Alia - You've been a great leader this session and its been quite a pleasure to meet you. Although we dont talk much, I really wanted to show you some appreciation for leading script. This swc session was my first ever I'm ever so glad I got sorted into script. Thank you!

Pepper - Where do I even start! You've been a great, and i mean great co leader this session. At first I was unsure about swc, it being my first session and first ever camp ive done on scratch, but, you welcomed me and soon enough I felt like I really fit in. Apart from co leading my cabin, you have also been a great person to talk to and have a little joke with. You're an amazing person and I truly hope I will be able to see you in the coming swc sessions. Thank you for everything!

Snowy - You are an amazing co leader, and an AMAZING writer. Along with alia and pepper, you have been great (co) leaders of script and I really enjoyed my time hanging out with everyone in the theatron. Also, when I critiqued your work, I was flabbergasted at the quality of your writing, it was truly amazing. Thank you!

Tilly - Wow! How time has flew. It feels like only yesterday when we were all introducing ourselves in the theatron. You've been an amazing cabin mate, friend, sibling and fellow swc'er. You're a very kind and considerate person and a truly amazing person. I've LOVED my first session hanging out with u and the other fellow actors of the script theatron. I hope you continue to thrive and I hope I see you around! Thanks sooo much for making my first swc session the best!

April - Although we really only started hanging out nearer to the end of the session, you've been such a GREAT person to talk to and be with. You've been the best cabin mate and friend and I hope we get to see each other around. I honestly don't know what else to say, so just, keep being the best! Thank you!!!!

Toko - You've been a great fellow camper and it's been a pleasure to meet you. You're funny, kind and just generally a nice person. Keep being you! I hope we see each other around. Idak what to say anymore so umm, THANK YOU!!! DDDDDD

Kit - It's been such a great time meeting you, honest! My fave memory with u is that time when I wrote a weekly with u as a volunteer. I rlly enjoyed writing u and I love the cape!!!! XXXDDD!!! I hope I see you aound. Thank you soo much for bieng a great friend and fellow scripter. Thanks so much for everything!

Luna - Oh my! Where to start, where to start. First of all, I have to say, I loveloveLOVEEE the frying pan! (yeh, i was dyyying to say that) You're sooo funny and a great person to talk to and just be around, keep being the great person you are! I hope I see you around and Thank you!!!!!!!

Bella - Bella, bella bella bella. You are SUCH a funny person and you're so welcoming and you're just, AMAZING. From the ghosts, to the frying pan, to the talking arson cat, to the mangoes. Everyhting about you is just, the best. I trully hope we meet again. THaNk YoU!!

Mousey - Ik you were probably not expecting this but I just wanted to tell you what an amazing person you are. My fave memory with you was that time on the first cabin war where you kept on trying to war us. You've been an amazing sibling, THANK U!!!

Blau - yoooooo, wspppp, hows it goin! Even tho we basically only started talking near the end of the session, I just wanted to show some appreciation to u for being such a great person to talk to. Dont forget to pour some more juice into that freeze-dried brain of yours! *wink wink* Thanks so much for everything!

A final thank you to all!

Vicky out!

1lMaM

coco's critique

I love this story - the friendship- or is it a bit more? between Erina and Lyra, the utter pain of loss, the perfect build-up to Noyazalensky's death… amazing job here! I especially loved the first sentence and “in the dark and solitary hours of the night, tears flow through me freely”, and your use of show don't tell was amazing!

There are some specific things I found in the first read-through that you can ‘fix’ - take these as personal opinion:
- “Lyra’s reflexes are far above than anything I could ever replicate, with razor-sharp moves and a sharp eye.” A bit too much ‘sharp’ here, maybe ‘a keen eye’? But I love the ‘razor-sharp moves’.
- “Selena rarely ever talks to us- or talks to anyone, in that matter.” ‘Or talks to anyone’ disrupts the flow a bit, you've already implied she doesn't talk to anyone.
- “We walk as if we’re heading to a normal occasion, and not as if we were going to meet with a person whose words’ could uproot our life and cause havoc.” Why is there an apostrophe at ‘whose words’'? You don't need it. And why could her words ‘cause havoc’? As you've demonstrated, it's Selena's actions that are dangerous. (Also, you change between Selena and Serena throughout - who is it?)
- “Our leader, the one person who could get us all to follow a plan however malicious his words were-” Put a comma here - ‘plan, however’. Otherwise, the sentence is a bit… lengthy, without a break.

Another thing I noticed was that you jumped from past to present - specifically you used past tense in the first couple of paragraphs and “He was dead.”

Overall, this is a wonderful story and a delight to read! I love your language and how you show emotion. Thanks!

Last edited by 1lMaM (March 31, 2024 12:25:35)

1lMaM

critique for -writingiscool-

This is a great story - I love your description and how it amplifies the characters' discomfort and fear, and the evident relationship they have with each other. I'll go into details below, but great in general!

Onto the specifics:

- “Jace looks at him, and he looks back, heart beating far too fast.” This is a great sentence - I love the ‘heart beating far too fast’.

- “Chrys glares at him. She seems to have this funny notion that Hal is fragile and needs her protection. As if, that girl has chased Jace with so many sharp objects he's lost count.” I had to read this three times to understand it - since the names are very gender-neutral, you need to specify who is a boy or a girl etc. to make sentences like this clearer.

- “-Chrysanthemum (Chrys, she insists, but Chase is being petty) says.” This is also confusing. Why is Chase being petty with the tag? It would make more sense if Chase called her Chrysanthemum, then she insists Chrys.

- ““You were born 106 years ago, gramps,” she responds, grinning. They've grown close pretty quickly this past week.” You don't have to say the second sentence - it would be better if you showed something like Chase rolling his eyes but enjoying the teasing anyway - only friends can tease each other and laugh it off.

- ““Another one?” Steve asks, and they all agree it just got even weirder.” Again, you can use show-not-tell here - maybe they all look at each other, or someone goes ‘what the heck this is so weird’ and everyone agrees.

- “Jace looks at him, and he looks back, heart beating far too fast. He's certain he's never seen this girl before.” Who hasn't seen her before? I think it's Chase, but just clarify this.

- “He comes up behind them, looking over their shoulder to see the beam of their flashlight at the base of a bed, the lump under the covers looking distinctly humanoid. Slowly, they move the beam further up so it shines in the face of a very real, very likely dead, human being.” Love this. I really like how it's got enough detail to feel just on the edge - perfectly mysterious, strange and unknown.

Overall, this is a great story, but it just needs some clarification in some parts. Very well done, and it perfectly captures that mysterious tone!

silverlynx-

Thank Yous

Dear Rae,
I couldn’t have asked for a better leader! You were just amazing <3 You’ve been so supportive of our cabin and provided me with yet another incredible session to cherish! And wisely, you returned to Scratch to become a leader hehe. Thank you so much!

Dear Niko,
You created some awesome profile pictures for us! You absolutely smashed your job at being leader and you were so friendly and kind to everyone for this session! Thank you for a great March and SWC session!

Dear May,
I was so pleased when I saw that I was going to be in your cabin again! I had such an amazing time with your last session in Steampunk and was delighted to spend another one with you! You were so active and nice to all of us! You did a fantastic job as co-leader!

Dear Skylar,
Even though I didn’t know you that much, I thought you were really nice and you did a great job for all the dailies and weeklies! I love your art btw <3

Dear Kats,
I really enjoyed getting to know you at the start of this session! Your writing was incredible and your personality was so cheerful and warm and funny! I can’t imagine this session without you <3

Dear Skye,
You were so active this session and absolutely smashed your word goal! I don’t know what we would have done without you in cabin wars xD

Dear Olivia,
Although I didn’t know you much, I was honoured to share this session with someone as talented as you!

Dear Phoenix,
You did really well this session and helped our cabin so much! You wrote so many words!

Dear Time,
I loved getting to meet you; you were really friendly to me and everyone else and I’m very grateful for that! <3

Dear Cactus,
Wow, you were brilliant this session! So many words :0 You were really dedicated <3

Dear Alaska,
When this session began, I loved meeting you and making friends! You did so well with everything this session!

Dear Anna,
I couldn’t forget our very own hi-fi hype woman, could I? You were the craziest, most dedicated and supportive camper ever! WHat would we have done without you?

Dear Hosties,
Thank you for all of this amazing session and for organising it so well! SWC wouldn’t be the same without you <33

Dear Daily Team,
You created so many brilliant dailies and I just don’t know how you do it! Well done!

Dear Fairy Tales,
Hi siblings! You did so well this session! First?! Congrats <3

Dear every other camper,
You are the life and soul of SWC and for that you are amazing!

Dear leaders,
Well done for being so wonderful with the responsibility of a leader!

Dear co-leaders,
You were also wonderful and did amazingly!

Dear Gurtle,
You were - well I can’t say you were amazing. You ate all our links Gurtle! >

Oh well…

nerdyme2

Last daily of this session

I can't believe it's over. It went by fast. This has been so much fun and definitely has helped me become a better writer. I loved how everybody was just so kind and supportive of each other. There's a song from a movie that I love. My favorite line is, “If kindness lives in everyone, then all it takes is standing up.” Doing SWC kind of reminded me of that line. When somebody was down or sad, almost immediately, two or three people would be asking, “What's wrong?” I just love it.

I think another one of my favorite parts was looking in the main cabin and seeing all the people who have done it for a while just looking back on the other sessions. All of the fun stories. I hope the longer I do it, I can have stories like that. And just to be able to connect with people that way.

I know how weird this sounds, but I think SWC helped me become less shy. At the beginning of this session, I really did not like talking to people. I always over thought it. I didn't notice it at first, but around halfway through the month, I started doing that less. I stopped overthinking. It became easier to talk to people. Again, I know that kind of sounds weird, but I think it's the truth. I'm still not the best at talking to people, but I've gotten a lot better.

This sessions has had a big affect on me. In more ways than you know. I'm really glad I got to do it, and do it with the people I did. I couldn't have asked for a better first session.

See you guys in the next session.
thank you.

ForestPanther

weeeeekly - 2654 words
lol i wrote this entire thing on a plane
on my phone
whilst watching a tv programm over the shoulder of the kid in front

Part 1- Outline, 212

Idea: biome travelers in MC
Goal: raid the trio of Desert Temple, Jungle Temple, Ocean Monument
Story will focus on Jungle Temple
People (Steve and Alex) are from Plains
Themes: Adventure, bravery/risk-taking, glory, representing home, greed

Overarching Plot Points:
-Steve and Alex leave the village in search of glory and treasure
-They travel by horse to the desert, where they stop at a village to rest
-Despite troubles, they loot the Desert Temple
-They then travel by horse to the Jungle
-Despite troubles, they loot the Jungle Temple
-They then travel to a Woodland Mansion to get a map to the Ocean Monument
-They then travel by boat to the Ocean Monument and loot it
-They they return back to their villaige
-They are heroes and incredibly wealthy

This story (Jungle Temple) plot points:
-Come from the Desert Temple battered but emboldened by success
-Must leave their horses as the jungle is too dense
-Travel alone and carrying massive packs
-No village to rest in
-Finds the Temple in a ditch kinda
-Enters at dusk
-Encounters mazes full of monsters
-Basement is cavernous and rigged with traps
-Has to figure out a puzzle
-Gets the treasure and is instantly flung out the temple
-Success- now onto the Mansion

Part 2- Beginning, 230 words

The land was bone-dry, the sky painted over with squid's ink. Fine sand swirled under the feet of horses that treaded unsteadily across the desert. On their backs, two people perched warily, clutching the reins in bruised fists. The party moved slowly across the land, casting a golden lantern glow in their wake. Despite the illumination, it was only the sand and the moon that would be seen for many miles to come.
But finally, under the starlight, a shadow could be seen in the distance. A great, monstrous shadow that spread wider than the eye could see and snatched up into the sky. The silhouettes of trees, trees larger than a mountain, leaves denser than steel.
And as the two travelers neared, they could hear bird shrieks and caws, growls and footsteps. Crickets chirped and the air itself seemed to whisper. And the smells- chocolate and spices, sap and bark, but most prominently, water. Water hung in the air heavily, dousing leaves in dew and threatening to spill from clouds. It was in stark contrast from the dry, arid lands that they had previously wandered.
As the sun rose sluggishly, the adventurers’ spirits brightened with it, their posture straightening. They dusted off their saddles, calling to each other for food and water, eagerly urging their weary steeds on. The air of new things- of new riches- was enticing.
Then, finally, they had reached the jungle.

Part 3- Story, 2173 words

“Steve- pass me the map!”
“I’m coming, I’m coming!” he responded, struggling to leash his horse to a tree. He stood up straight and wiped a hand over his sweaty forehead. His worries had switched seamlessly from lack of water to too much since entering the new biome- seriously, who had made the jungle so humid?
“Steve?” his partner, Alex, called again. She waded through thick layers of ferns and planted her feet firmly.
“What is it?”
“I want to try and figure out this map thing,” she replied, hand held out. “We really don’t want to get lost in here.”
“Oh, yeah. Of course. Especially not with these things!” Steve whirled around, swatting a fly from his thick hair. He crouched and reached for the map from his pack.
Alex thanked him and studied the rough lines, her brow furrowed. The crude guide had been salvaged from the depths of the Desert Temple, along with sack-loads of treasure and valuable goods. But the Desert Temple was one of only three locations on their journey- on the fabled hero’s journey that Steve and Alex had embarked on. The Desert Temple was meant to be the easiest of the three to find. But it had proved to be the most dangerous trip they’d ever been on…
-
BOOM!
The shockwave threw Steve against a hard, sandstone wall. His breath escaped him as he clutched at his chest, the axe in his other hand falling to the floor. Alex skidded across the dusty ground on the opposite side of the Temple. The attack had taken them both by surprise- neither had ever encountered a monster that exploded.
Alex sprung at the monsters, pickaxe swinging wildly, turning them into dust on contact. Her ginger hair flew messily behind her as she dodged the vast columns of the Desert Temple, boots skidding across the ancient floor. She yanked Steve up roughly and dragged him to a sapphire-blue tile in the floor. Without warning, she smashed the tile beneath their feet- and they fell.
They fell, and fell, and fell.
SPLASH!
Crashing hard into an underground pool, Steve and Alex coughed up water but were somehow alive. They were in a narrow cavern, the light of the Temple a pinprick far above them. But all around were…
Chests. Chests of gold and treasure.
The partners grabbed whatever they could reach and shoved it in their packs. Armour, gemstones- anything. But as Steve stepped on the center tile, a hissing sound echoed throughout the chamber…
“Go!”
BOOM!
-
“Steve!”
He shook his head to clear his thoughts. Alex was waving him over, her pack hitched on her back and her pickaxe strapped to her side. “We should go as soon as we can. Traveling through the jungle at night probably wouldn’t be ideal.”
Steve nodded and grabbed his gear. With little rest, it was already time to find the next trial on their journey- the Jungle Temple.
He just hoped that it would be less explosive.

Traversing the jungle was equally, if not more, difficult than traveling the desert.
Yes, this time there was ample water and shade, but not a minute passed without somebody falling hard over a half-decaying log or discovering a new deadly insect. It took double the time and double the effort, and every step was taken on foot- it would have been impossible to even consider taking a horse through this kind of underbrush.
In this manner, Steve and Alex blindly stumbled through the jungle for days on end. There were no villages marked on the map- indeed, they didn’t even know if any called the jungle home- so the adventurers were
forced to camp under just the cover of trees far above for night after night. It felt like an eternity before finally, finally, they found the ancient Temple.
Steve led the way, slashing through vines and ferns with his axe, as Alex followed close behind, map permanently in front of her face. They were tired, and losing hope, when Steve saw light filtering through the thick leaves ahead. He prodded Alex bluntly and forged forwards. His axe sliced through a curtain of draping lianas to reveal… open sky.
Alex gasped as she looked up to the view before them. There was a great crater of dirt and stone, encircled by trees that concealed all. The sun, radiant as a flaming torch, stood directly overhead. Squinting, they peered through their fingers to see a hulking stone structure at the bottom of the crater, surrounded by foliage run wild and weakened by moss. Once-great statues inlaid with quartz and emerald and jade guarded the building. It lay far below their crumbling ledge, accessible only by rickety wooden pylons etched into the stone that spiraled downwards farther than the eye could see.
“The Jungle Temple.”
Alex nodded her agreement, a lump in her throat. Though it was decrepit and half the size of the Desert Temple, the building still exuded an aura of power and ancient knowledge. It would have been impossible to find without the map.
“So… are we going down, then?”
Steve nodded and slowly edged towards the first wooden step. It creaked unreassuringly as he put his weight on it. Alex nodded encouragingly at him.
Hands against the rough wall, they edged down and around the expansive crater. Every drop of a kicked pebble, every flutter of a leaf echoed. Looking down was dizzying- and almost deadly.
The sun had disappeared behind the shadows of the great trees by the time that Steve and Alex found solid ground. Steve collapsed to his knees, breathing heavily. Alex, falling the last step or two, followed his example.
But they soon stood and turned to face the temple.
It certainly seemed a lot bigger than it had at the top, and the jeweled eyes of the carvings seemed to glint in the moonlight. Despite this, the adventurors tugged themselves up and steadied themselves to enter.
“Ready?” Alex asked.
Steve nodded. “Let’s get this done.”

The Temple was lit dimly with flickering torches of red fire that led the duo down a steep cobbled staircase. The walls were bare and little saplings pushed through cracks in the stone. Every footstep was magnified hundreds of times.
Without warning, the staircase flattened out, and Steve and Alex found themselves in a corridor that branched out in two directions. The paths looked identical.
“So. Which way?” Steve asked.
“I- I’m not sure.”
“Is there anything on the map?” he prodded. Alex pulled out the dry paper and studied it for a second.
“No, nothing. I think we just have to decide.”
Silence.
“Okay. Okay,” Steve breathed, “Let’s just go… right. Right is always right… right?”
“Well, if right is not right, there is only left left.”
Steve glanced exasperatedly at Alex, whos lips were twitching upwards. He began to step cautiously down the corridor.
“Hey!”
Steve’s leg caught on a thin wire and he tripped forwards. Something whizzed past his ear.
“Aah!” Alex screamed behind him, stumbling backwards. Lodged in the wall behind her was an arrow, trembling back and forth. She gasped for air- and then dived. Another arrow came flying towards her neck and she rolled ungraciously away. Steve tried to stand, but his leg was caught in the tripwire, and he was desperately trying to avoid an entourage of arrows. They just kept coming… and coming, and coming…

I fly at the poor, trapped human, twisting midair, aiming directly for his jugular. He writhes on the ground, eyes set wide in terror, screaming for his partner to help. But she can do nothing- there’s more of me, going straight for her. She’s pinned in shock. Desperately, the guy on the floor raises his hand and brings down a glinting iron axe.
SLASH!
I clatter to the ground in two, the shaft and the point ripped from each other. But that’s okay- more of me keep coming, coming, coming, firing straight and true in a whirlwind of multicoloured parrot feathers and demonically sharpened arrowheads. The girl is free now, trying to block with her pickaxe, but points tear through her shirt. The boy screams, slashing through the air. His leg is free now- but that doesn’t stop us. We keep flying, our purpose known, our aim precise.
The girl looks at the machine at the far end of the corridor- the dispenser of arrows- and then at the tripwire, hooked to a trigger in the wall. Her eyes widen.
“Steve! The wire!” she screams, raising her pick. He realizes what she means and swings his axe down…
No!
No, he can’t!
The wire snaps in two and is flung into his ruddy, greasy face.

Steve panted heavily, blood running down his side. Arrows lay haphazardly on the floor, having failed to reach their target. Alex wrenched one out of the wall and snapped it in two.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” she replied shakily. “Where… where are the bandages?”
Silently, Steve reached into his pack and pulled out a roll of bandages, still in shock. They lay in place for a second.
Eventually, Steve got up and went to the end of the corridor, and there was… nothing.
No chest.
No riches.
Nothing but the remains of a trap.
He turned back to Alex, mouth agape. She looked at him expectantly.
“I… I don’t think right was right.”

On the far left side of the corridor, there was a room.
The room was plain and undecorated, but for one wall adorned with levers. They formed a pattern of seemingly random ups and downs, clearly linked to wiring in the wall behind. Alex and Steve stared blankly at the levers.
“I- I can’t think right now,” Steve said.
“Neither,” Alex agreed.
“The treasure is linked to this puzzle. It must be,” he said, slightly desperately.
“Well, what are we going to do?”
Silence. Only the crackling of the red torches could be heard.
“We could… ask the narrator.” Alex suggested hesitantly.
“Yeah,” Steve agreed.
Wait. What?
“Hey, narrator?” Alex called. “Can we have your help with this one?”
Excuse me, what?
“You can probably Google it or something. I don’t know, like, ‘Jungle Temple lever puzzle code?’”
I mean, I probably could…
“Please?” Steve asked. “We’ve kind proven ourselves with that last trial. I think we deserve this.”
Yeah, that seemed pretty intense. That arrow’s point of view was NOT fun to have to follow.
“Right! So, you’ll get the code for us?” Alex put in hopefully.
Um…
“It’s not cheating. It’s fine! Please?” Steve begged.
Okay.
Okay, fine. Give me a second, I’ll be right back.
“Yes!”

Okay, It’s up, down, down, up, up for the first line, then down, down, up, down, up for the next one.
“Thank you so much!” Alex beamed, reaching for the top levers. It only took a minute for them to flick the levers.
There was a creak, and then a hiss, and then finally, the sound of very old machinery coming to life.
One of the walls shifted and then moved back entirely, revealing a whole new room. And here, finally here, were chests upon chests of treasure.
Emeralds, lapis lazuli, redstone, enchanted arrows, exotic dyes, feathers, ocelot pelts- the like. And, just to be safe, Alex and Steve took the machinery behind the wall as well.

The trip back up the cobblestone stairs was a tiring but very welcome one. Slowly, more and more light filtered down from the surface, until the duo burst out of the temple to a tangerine-orange, dazzling sunrise. They smiled at each other, backs heavy with treasure and heads heavy with weariness. Despite the challenges, despite the near-death traps, Steve and Alex had made it. They’d survived the arrows, they’d figured out the puzzle (you’re welcome) and they’d escaped the Temple that much richer for it. Now, two-thirds of their journey complete, they had only to venture into the most difficult of the three ancient relics- the Ocean Monument.
But that could wait. For now, Steve and Alex rested.

By the time that they finally climbed slowly out of the cavern, they’d set up a camp by the Temple. A simple one- a crafting table, a furnace and a fireplace- but perhaps the next travelers would find themselves more accommodated. Perhaps the jungle wasn’t so bad, and a major village should be started in it.
“Alright. Here we are,” Alex said, pulling herself up onto the edge of the cliff. The cavern stood equally as great as before, but somehow, after their success, it wasn’t quite as intimidating. As Steve reached the top, they stood side by side, surveying the great, ancient lands that they had defeated.
It was glorious.

“Alright. I guess it’s time for-“
WHIZZ!
An arrow, straight and sharp, fletched with white feathers, flew and embedded itself in Steve’s shoulder. The momentum knocked him back… back, back over the edge of the cliff…
“STEVE!” Alex shrieked, whirling around. She flung out her arm as he slowly tipped backwards, grasping for her hand, falling-
Falling-

“No!”

————————————

Ingredients used:
- Flashback
- Sudden conflict
- Different POV
- Breaking the 4th wall
- Cliffhanger (literally lol)

————————————

Incredibly useful critique by Alana! (@-nightglow-) <33

Last edited by ForestPanther (March 31, 2024 20:18:42)

silverlynx-

Weekly #4

Part 1

- A boy called Alfie lives with his loving family, Emma (mum), Neil (dad), Isla (sister) and Sasha (dog) and is perfectly happy and completely normal (or so he thought)
- He goes out for a walk with Sasha and suddenly a bright blue dragon flies down and lands in front of him. It drops to the ground and nods at Alfie, welcoming him to go on his back.
- Alfie walks backwards cautiously, his face taut with fear and shakes his head, running back to his house really quickly. When he gets home, his mum is very worried and upset but he hides what he’s just seen and goes up to his room.
- The dragon keeps on appearing to him at the same time and the same dragon. Alfie begins to feel some sort of connection with the dragon, who he has come to know as Redhorn (due to his red horns hehe). Every time, Alfie refuses Redhorn’s offer.
- Then, one day, when he’s going out for his evening walk, the sky soft and velvety behind him, the sun casting that last of its golden rays, he sees, illuminated by the light, a shadowy figure. It comes closer and closer, until Alfie starts backing off. The man tells him not to be scared and that he is the Dragon Mentor. Until the time comes for Alfie to head off on a perilous adventure, he must train the same time every night to prepare.
- Alfie does come every night, and begins to learn how to fly on Redhorn (apparently called Alfie since all dragons are born with the names of their future rider) and masters the art of controlling him.
- One training session Alfie appears in the dusky twilight, the clouds churning above him. Oliver (the mentor) tells him it’s time to go and save Dragonland.
- He and Oliver set off into the clouds and spend hours flying up there, surrounded by mist.
- Finally, in the distance, they spot lofty mountains illuminated by fire.
- They arrive there and find that the mountains are charred and crumbling, falling apart at their touch.
- They fall down a great hole and tumble into a circular room, where a dragon and a hobbit live.
- The hobbit and the dragon restore their energy before leading them to the Master Dragon’s lair.
- On the way they are faced with a wall of fire.
- When they reach it (the lair) they see the Master Dragon who tries to block their path. He sweeps them up with his barbed tail and hangs them from the ceiling. Then he calls his snake to finish them off.
- The Master Dragon releases them and makes them fight the snake. As they were hanging from the ceiling, Alfie had managed to twist round and get his water. He took a great gulp, and as the fight started, he spat in the snake’s face. It recoiled and while it was distracted, he called Redhorn to carry him and Oliver away. Redhorn couldn’t get in though.
- Alfie took a bowl out of his bag while the snake was distracted and held it in front of his face and motioned for Oliver to do the same. The snake hissed poison in their faces like the Master Dragon had told it to, but instead, they caught the poison in their bowls and splashed it back at the snake and the Master Dragon. It writhed on the ground, the poison steaming, then lay still.
- Redhorn and the other dragon lashed out at the ceiling and rocks rained down on Oliver and Alfie. They broke through the ceiling and carried off an unconscious Alfie and Oliver.
- The Master Dragon lay still on the ground.
- They returned to Dragonland where the mountains repaired themselves and the remaining dragons gave a big feast.
- They set back home through the clouds.
- Redhorn was hit by a strike of lightning.
- They said a heartwarming farewell.
- He d1ed.
- Alfie was heartbroken but had to go back home to his parents.
- His parents gave him a massive hug and demanded to know where he’d been…

Part 2
Alfie lay awake in bed, his heart thumping. Moonlight spilled through the windows, illuminating his pale face. His overprotective parents were constantly worrying about his troubled state, every morning coming down stairs with his skin sagging and purple bags hanging underneath his drooping eyelids. Isla, his sister, was at university, but he didn’t want to worry her. Alfie would just have to deal with it. He closed his eyes.

Deafening shouts and roars.
Columns of fire shooting out their deadly arms.
Plumes of smoke erupting into the air.
A sapphire snake slithering closer
And closer
And closer

His chest heaved and sweat poured down his head as his eyelids fluttered open. What was this? He shivered and pulled his covers further over his head. Alfie felt terror piercing his heart like daggers as tears slid down his flushed cheeks.

Wrapped in soft velvety light, Alfie ambled past shadowed trees, a half-smile lighting up his face. His eyes twinkled in the dusky twilight. Sasha bounded ahead of him, swishing her long furry tail. He laughed gently at her mischievous face.

Then he heard it.
The same noise.
Again.
And again.

A pair of bright aqua wings unfurled in front of him, revealing a heavily barbed tail and glimmering scales. It knelt down in front of him and nodded at its back.
“Hop on!” It commanded.
Alfie retreated. It could talk. How was this possible? He swivelled round on his heel and bolted back the way he’d come, Sasha panting at his feet.
He looked back once more.
The dragon was staring at him with bright beady eyes.
“There’s always next time.”

Part 3
(I used my exposition and modified it but I’m not sure if I was meant to use it - I was too rushed to ask).

Ingredients

- New character introduction
- Plot twist
- New POV
- Introducing a symbol
- Epistolary

Alfie lay awake in bed, his heart thumping. Moonlight spilled through the windows, illuminating his pale face. His overprotective parents were constantly worrying about his troubled state, every morning coming down stairs with his skin sagging and purple bags hanging underneath his drooping eyelids. Isla, his sister, was at university, but he didn’t want to worry her. Alfie would just have to deal with it. He closed his eyes.

Deafening shouts and roars.
Columns of fire shooting out their deadly arms.
Plumes of smoke erupting into the air.
A pair of emerald wings beating furiously above the chaos.
A sapphire snake slithering closer
And closer
And closer.

His chest heaved and sweat poured down his head as his eyelids fluttered open. What was this? Alfie could hear the laughs of the boys at school.
Ha!
Cry-baby!
Hiding, are we?
Are you having nightmares?
He shivered and pulled his covers further over his head. Alfie felt terror piercing his heart like daggers as tears slid down his flushed cheeks.

“I’m going for a walk, Mum.”
Alfie’s mum frowned.
“Are you sure that'd be a good idea, considering…”
She trailed off. Alfie shook his head defiantly.
“The fresh air will be good for me, won’t it Mum?” Alfie persuaded her.
His mum sighed.
“I’m worried about you, Alf.”
She hesitated for a moment then decided:
“You can go, but not for too long.”

Wrapped in soft velvety light, Alfie ambled past shadowed trees, a half-smile lighting up his face. His eyes twinkled in the dusky twilight. Sasha bounded ahead of him, swishing her long furry tail. He laughed gently at her mischievous face.

Then he heard it.
The same noise.
That deafening roar.
Again.
And again.

A pair of bright aqua wings unfurled in front of him, revealing a heavily barbed tail and glimmering scales, red horns protruding from its head. It knelt down in front of him and nodded at its back.
“Come on!” It laughed, showing blood-tipped fangs.
Alfie retreated. It could talk. How was this possible? He swivelled round on his heel and bolted back the way he’d come, Sasha panting at his feet.
He looked back once more.
The dragon was staring at him with bright beady eyes.
“There’s always next time.”

Alfie sat up on the sofa, the dragon’s laugh echoing in his ears.
“There’s always next time.”
It wanted him to come again. Alfie knew, deep down, he wanted to go back too. There was a tug of curiosity in his belly as he slowly hauled himself away from the TV.

Mum was at the cooker, stirring some chilli in the pan. Rice steamed next to her as she ground some pepper into the bubbling pan.
“Mum?”
“Yes, darling?”
She didn’t take her eyes off the food, but Alfie could see the anxiety on her face. He glanced at his watch. 6:15pm. Same time as last night when he set off.
“Can I go to the woods again?”
“Well… what about what happened yesterday?”
He thought back to when he had rushed up the stairs, Mum staring after him worriedly as he tried to hide his secret.
Alfie crossed his fingers behind his back and chewed his lip as he watched his mum contemplate his wish. A moment of pure sorrow flashed over her face, but when she turned to him, her lips were curled into a forced smile.
“Of course, darling. Whatever you want. Make sure you take Sasha with you.”
And Alfie paused to slip his trainers on, then sprinted outside, the air slapping in the face as he stepped away from the safety of his home.

The dragon began as a speck in the soft glow of the setting sun, then swooped closer and closer, until finally, with a resounding bellow, it crashed to the ground.
“Greetings. I’m Redhorn, one of the last remaining dragons in Dragonland, protector of the final source of magic existing back in my world.”
Alfie edged further back, fighting against the instinct to run for his life. Dragons? He had to be hallucinating. But his curiosity convinced him to answer Redhorn.
“I’m Alfie.” He replied shortly.
Redhorn nodded.
“I know who you are. I have been sent to offer you a mission. I’ve been watching you, and have decided you are worthy.”
Alfie’s brow furrowed.
“Worthy of what?”
“Worthy of saving Dragonland from the Master Dragon. We have been punished for generations now by the fierce fiend, and I, as one of the last, am determined to right this. Me and Oliver, who used to be an instructor for Flying School have teamed up and been searching for someone to be our hero and rescue Dragonland once and for all. And I am positive that you are the one.”
Redhorn panted, his tongue lolling out of his mouth, exhausted from his speech.
Alfie gaped, his eyes widening.
“Me?” He asked tentatively.
“You.”
“I can’t.”
Alfie shook his head slowly.
“You can! You’ve been hand-picked by me and Oliver! You have to be the one if Ollie agrees.”
But Alfie couldn’t.

Every night, he returned and saw Redhorn, and every night he grew closer to the dragon and felt a deep bond with him. Then one night, he met Ollie.

Alfie was going to see Redhorn as usual, and as he saw the familiar arch of his back, he also spied a shadowy figure perched upon him. Redhorn landed gracefully (most unlike him to do so) and dipped his back to allow Ollie to leap off. He was tall and pale with fluffy brown hair and bright blue eyes.
Ollie approached Alfie with a friendly smile and held out his hand.
“I’m Ollie!” He announced.
Alfie’s shoulders sagged with relief. Ollie would be coming with them after all. He loved Redhorn, but it felt comforting to have another human with him as well.
“I’m Alfie,” he greeted him, “ Redhorn told me all about you.”
Ollie nodded.
“Ah, yes, I’m the Dragon Mentor. I train dragons how to fly, and humans how to ride. My school was the only one, but now it doesn’t exist. Since the arrival of the Master it has ceased to exist.”
“But that was generations ago!” Alfie exclaimed.
Ollie chuckled softly.
“Those who are blessed with a life in Dragonland are given a longer life, like the dragons, because without a rider, the dragons have no purpose and will…”
“Die.” Redhorn finished solemnly.
Alfie sensed the conversation darkening and decided to change the subject.
“How do I save Dragonland?”
“Well, first you need to be trained by me. You need to learn how to fly Redhorn. Redhorn has been riderless for his whole life and is slowly ebbing away. He needs a young rider to learn how to fly at first. So we chose you!”

And so, every night, Alfie returned to the woods and learned how to soar through the clouds. The exhilaration was unimaginable. He couldn’t see himself without Redhorn.

One time when he came, Ollie met him with a dark look.
“Time to save Dragonland.”
Without a sound, Alfred mounted Redhorn and slung his backpack over his shoulder. He had been warned that he would have to go tonight. He had hugged his mum extra hard and missed his sister all the more.

Surrounded, engulfed by the damp mist, Alfred and Ollie climbed up further and further until the houses were just specks in the distance, then invisible. Hours and hours then flew, Redhorn’s wingbeats growing slow and sluggish, until finally, a column of fire shot into the air, announcing their arrival at Dragonland. Lofty mountains towered above them, tall and imposing.

They entered cautiously, the only sound their shaky breathing. Just before setting foot on the mountains, Ollie paused and started to speak.
“I received this letter a few days ago. The Master knows that we’re coming.”
Ollie pulled out a crisp white letter from his jacket.

Dear Dragon Mentor,
I know all your plans about that useless child. Don’t bother. He’ll die before he even reaches my cave. It won’t do you any good. The moment he dies, you know what will happen to you. Don’t even dare.
Lots of love,
The Master.

“What does this mean? Should I go back?” Alfie asked urgently. “Will I die?”
Ollie replied, “No. With Redhon, you are safer than you could possibly imagine.”
Reassured by Ollie’s words, Alfred carried on. He heaved himself onto the rocky ledge, which was charred by the ferocious fire of the Master Dragon apparently. The moment he touched it, a great hole opened up beneath him, a gaping abyss.

He fell

And fell

And fell

“Oi!”
A rough gravelly voice roused Alfred from an uncomfortable sleep. He found himself face-to-face with a ragged craggy face, unruly hair brushing his chin.
“What are you doing here?”
Alfred’s vision cleared and he realised he was in a small circular room, simply furnished. Another dragon raised his head and gently spoke.
“Nick, it’s Ollie.”
He looked up and saw Ollie, his eyes widening.
“We-we thought you were dead!”
“No, only training up this young fella!”
Their attention turned to Alfie.
“Who are you?” They demanded.
“I’m Alfie.”
Ollie gestured at the man.
“This is Nick, Alfie. He’s a great friend of mine. And his dragon is Amethyst.”
Amethyst was a pretty dragon with glittering lilac scales.
“Come on,” Nick said, “Let’s freshen you up a little bit!

Amethyst led the way to the Master’s lair. All the while, Nick began to talk to Alfie.
“So, young Alfie, you’ve been recruited by Ollie, have you?”
Alfie nodded mutely.
“Must be very talented then!”
“What?”
“Well, Ollie is the oldest, most experienced Dragon Rider ever to live! Hasn’t he told you yet? He was incredible! The things he did!”
Alfie was astonished.
“He doesn’t look very old!” He exclaimed.
“We dragon riders never look our age, young Alfie. You know, when I was a-”
He broke off, interrupted by a sheet of fire rearing up in front of them. Redhorn reacted immediately, closely followed by Amethyst.

The two dragons charged towards my burning form, their horns pointed at me fiercely. In retaliation, I threw a searing ball of flame towards them. It just bounced harmlessly off their coats. I knew that they would beat me. I couldn’t bear the humiliation. I opened a gap in the flame for them to come through.

“It’s safe to go now!” Amethyst announced, tossing her beautiful head.
Everyone bounded through, eager to finish it once and for all. But then…

A mighty dragon crashed to the ground, glaring at them furiously.
“Why did you come, you stupid people!” He growled.
“And dragons!” Redhorn added on helpfully. Ollie nudged him meaningfully.
Distracted by Redhorn’s silly remark, Alfie didn’t realise the emerald tail was sweeping towards him before it was too late. He was thrusted into the air and the wind howled in his ears.

Tied up with a piece of thick rope, Alfie struggled and fought against the unbreakable prison. Blood blossomed on his lip as he gnawed at the coil.
“It won’t work.” Ollie sighed. “I should never have brought you here. You had nothing to do with it, you were completely unaware… and I have led you to your death.”
Alfie smiled.

“No, you didn’t. You weren’t to know.”
“Thank you.”

The Master Dragon approached them.
“Meet… my snake!”
A dark green snake slithered up to them, its eyes bright yellow and menacing.
The Master Dragon flicked its tail and the ropes fell to the floor, and we tumbled down with them.
“Bye!”

Alfie twisted round to face the creature and took a swig of his water. It sloshed around in his mouth and he began to fight. Not that it was much of a fight.
“I’m so sorry, Alfie.” Ollie whispered.
As the snake swivelled round, Alfie spat out the water in his mouth. It momentarily blinded it and Alfie took advantage of this distraction by calling Redhorn.
By the time the snake had recovered, Alfie had told Oliver to get a bowl out of his bag (they had packed way in advance and couldn’t forget their dinner). They held them in front of their faces and as the snake hissed at them and splashed poison at them, they caught it in their bowls and splashed the poison back at the snake.

Redhorn thundered to the ground as the ceiling came toppling down on top of them, Amethyst close by his side. Rocks rained down on top of the Master and he lay still on the ground, next to the snake, eyes closed peacefully.
“I never like killing,” breathed Redhorn. Amethyst nodded in agreement.

People and dragons alike gathered in the grassy square cheering and clapping the incredible hero. The mountains were fresh and new, gleaming in the harsh sunlight. They feasted on meat and fruit and Alfie was dressed in large red robes that he felt quite stupid in.
“Red symbolises new life for us, because the very first dragon was red. It is a great honour to be dressed in that colour. It’s royal, pretty much.”

Back up in the air on Redhorn, Alfie felt comfortable and whole again. Thunder rumbled in the distance.
“We’d better be careful.” Ollie warned Alfie.
Lightning forked from the rolling clouds and Redhorn’s relaxed form flinched and bright light sparked over his body. They wrapped around Alfie, but had mainly a grip on Redhorn.
“Quick, get onto Amethyst!” Ollie commanded.
Alfie leapt over the gap and scrambled for a grip on Amethyst. Below him, Redhorn spiralled down to the ground.
“I don’t want to leave you!”
Alfie’s voice cracked with emotion as his best friend’s life eased away.
“I love you Alfie.”
“I love you too.”

His mother and father smothered him in an enormous bear hug, demanding to know where he’s been. Tears slid down Alfie’s cheeks.
“Redhorn.” He breathed.
“What?” Dad asked.
“Nothing.”
And Alfie abandoned his life in the sky for a life back home on earth.

Last edited by silverlynx- (March 31, 2024 15:46:46)

-NightGlow-

Weekly 4
word count - 1609 words

Outline: (484 words)
Original World:
At the start of the story, the exposition will begin - here we will develop the elements of setting (milieu - lower class, atmosphere - calm/dreary, time - Imperial Dynasty, location - rural community next to fields and close-knit communities) and characterization will begin. Since the story is focusing on a dynamic character who overcomes challenges, the MC will start off the story with little to no purpose (until they find the light that is present inside of them and use their newfound power to harness that ability).

Call to Action:
After the beginning exposition where the protagonist and a few side characters are introduced, we will see trouble lurking in the dynasty. Although most are oblivious to the sinister darkness that is hiding within the shadows, the MC notices that something is wrong.

Refusal of Action:
As the protagonist and their sidekick/pet venture out into the unknown, they receive a plea for help. The world as they know it is ending, and the MC needs to find a way to harness the strength of a warrior to end the battle that started centuries ago. Although the Wise One comes to warn the MC about the dangers that need to be stopped, the MC begins to claim that the prophecy is wrong.

Mentor:
Once the protagonist realizes that changes need to be made, they decide to embark on a perilous quest to an ancient temple that is located far away from their village. As they and their sidekick continue to witness the beautiful nature of the valley, the Wise One secretly guides them to the right path whenever they start going astray due to the deception of the shadows.

General Plot Thereafter:
As the plot continues, the (continue later <3)

Ingredients Being Used:

New POV (at the ending, there will be an excerpt from the darkness in the shadows themselves; providing a new perspective on what is to come in the future)

Epistolary (after the protagonist leaves, we see them writing letters to their family – coping mechanism used. The journal they are writing in holds significance as it is the key to defeating the darkness and completing the mission)

New Conflict Arises (as the main character journeys through various scenic locations in order to find the ancient temple, they come across a variety of minor

Foreshadowing (the journal holds a key to the protagonist’s past – they use it as a way to communicate in the ancient temple, acting as the key to the prophecy the Wise One told the protagonist at the start of the story)

Introduction of a Symbol (The main character is named Sakura (cherry blossom tree) which is supposed to indicate the key to unlocking the vaults in the Ancient Temple of Lost Secrets. Additionally, the diary that Sakura continues to write in (from her birth parents) hints at flashbacks as well as notes that she writes to them to deal with their absence).

Story: (1120 words)
The grassy plains stretched along the horizon for miles, and the sun glimmered in the sky, shining its luminous light amongst the vibrant shades of pink and yellow scattered in the clouds. It was as if someone had blended those two colors together using a brush that hadn’t been washed after its last dip in yellow. Anyone would have been in awe of such a mesmerizing sight, but for those who lived in the valley of Yamato-Hitraki, this was an everyday occurrence.

The valley was quite vast in size as it was mainly made up of nature that thrived in the land. The one community that did live in the center of the land worked together to harvest the surrounding crops. As the snow banks began to melt - a sign of spring and new beginnings - the cherry blossoms that were a predominant site in the valley began to blossom. Everywhere you looked, shades of white and pastel pink were present. It was almost like living through a surreal fantasy; something you could only hope for, but would never come true no matter how hard you wished. Although the valley was known for its breathtaking beauty, it was more commonly remembered for all the legends and prophecies that revolved around it.

At the time, the Elders from above as well as common ritual leaders would use their psychic abilities to predict the future. These theories were then stored in orb-like spheres, all encased in glass, to protect them from the eyes of the darkness that lurked within the shadows. Protected at such security, they were forgotten as time went on - despite this, countless greedy individuals did take an occasional hike up to the Ancient Temple of Lost Secrets. As expected, they were met with such fatal deaths since the temple was sealed by the magic from the Elders. Centuries passed and as time went on, the _____ were lost to wind.

Now a millennia later, our story begins…

“Sakura,” the hoarse yet sweet voice called from behind, “make sure you return before nightfall. You must know by now how dark it gets at night. The girl’s brown hair flashed past the door as she sprinted away up the valley. Alongside her was a tiny red panda, some might even say that he was her sidekick. Before running down to the stream nearby, she shouted back a reply, hoping that the winds would carry her words.

“Sobo, don’t worry! I’ll be back before then. Though, don’t you know that the stars are the prettiest in the night sky, when we can see their luminous glow?”

With that, the young girl continued running, the wind blowing against her face turning her cheeks a bright shade of rosy red. Although it was only starting to get warmer, most would’ve described this weather to be pleasant. As Sakura ran down the hill nearby with her red panda, Popo, beside her, she felt as if she was flying. The spirits of those who had fallen before, those who were looking after her - it felt as if they were raising her into the sky for a long awaited embrace.

Finally arriving at the grand cherry blossom tree, Sakura settled near the trunk of the tree, and stared at the pleasant view beneath her. Doing so, she brought out a tattered dairy, the cover almost broken in pieces, but known to be hand crafted with love. After briefly staring into the abyss, Sakura opened the diary and laid it down in her lap. Petting back Popo’s red and white fur, a feeling of silk, she began to write.

“Dear Okaa-san and Otoa-san,

I hope you’re doing well up above. It’s been a while since I last talked to you.. Please don’t be too mad. It’s been quite hard trying to navigate life by myself, but I assure you that I can hang in there. Sobo takes care of me with all of her heart every day, but deep down inside I know that she still weeps your death. At times it feels as if I’m responsible - if I hadn’t pushed and been so needy… you may have been still alive to see me not having to write this.

With every word I write, I can feel a tear trickling down my cheek. It’s as if I’ve kept them in for so long that they’re just waiting to burst. My heart feels stiff, as I’m gasping for air. Despite the beauty that thrives around me, I feel so hopeless and lonely.

Popo has been here, and I guess he’s trying to peer into my book right now. Without him, I don’t know if I’d still be alive to tell you all this. It’s as if time is just ticking away, and I can be myself here. No one will question the tears or ask me why I’m holding onto the pain. Putting up with this act is not as easy as it seems, and I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.

There’s the update on my life- I hope you’re doing better up above.
Sobo says that the night sky is a dangerous place for a girl, but I’d like to believe that there’s more to it than that.

Lots of love from your daughter,
Sakura”

As soon as she finished signing the leader, tear droplets began to stream down her face. It was as if a dam had just been burst after carefully circulating the water for years. There was no end in sight, but Sakura needed this. A chance to free those bottled up emotions, and to finally accept. It seemed ridiculous to just move on. She proceeded to close the book, and began looking up at the sky. The clouds continued to drift around - where in this world were her parents now?

Sensing that something was up with Sakura, Popo tried his best to cheer her up. He climbed into her lap and started to roll around like a happy dog who had just gotten a treat. She began to chuckle - Popo was the one thing that she could count on.

“Aww Popo! Come here, who’s a good boy?” Gaining back some strength, she began to run after Popo. He was heading down the hill towards the bean crops nearby. “Popo! Don’t go there, we need to go back before nightfall, otherwise Sobo will never let us come out again.”

Running after him, Sakura tried to catch him before he caused any more trouble. The two quickly rushed back into the house just in time for dinner. It was as if time had just been ticking away, because as soon as the duo entered the house, Sobo was anxiously waiting for them.

Last edited by -NightGlow- (March 31, 2024 21:32:52)

-NightGlow-

Critique
word count - 888 words
@ForestPanter (CD) :: Sci-Fi

Side Note: I just want to start off by saying that I'm going to be editing the first bit of the story (if that's fine with you ;D) – I can take a look at the other parts a bit later, but since it goes over the 2000 word limit, I just wanted to let you know that I'll be focusing on the exposition bits ^^ If you do want me to give some general feedback for the whole thing though, please do let me know! I'll get to that as soon as I can <3

The land was dry and dark.

Since this phrase is starting off your story, I feel like it needs to be more descriptive. The first introduction of your story is what captivates your reader, so by making it seem more descriptive, your reader will want to continue reading it. I also feel like the words “dark” and “dry” are simply just telling us what's happening, you know? Although I personally don't really follow the show vs tell logic, I always try my best to be somewhat descriptive when describing a location because if done right, you can paint a really clear image in the reader's mind (thus just giving a whole other vibe to your piece of writing, you know?).

The party moved slowly across the land, casting a golden lantern glow in their wake.

I have to say that this sentence is absolutely perfect! The word choice, the connotation used as well the description is absolutely perfect! I feel like if you can incorporate a similar aspect to your starting introduction (the sentence I was talking about above), it would really elevate your story. But back to this sentence, I feel like it has it all, you know? The usage of “casting a golden lantern glow” and “wake” really helps me visualize the scene that you're describing.

Indeed, it was only the sand and the moon that would be seen for many miles to come.

I personally feel like “indeed” is not the right transition word needed to start this sentence. It is ok with it, but for some reason it makes the phrase sound wrong if you get what I mean. I would perhaps recommend changing it to something like this: “Despite the light coming from the lanterns, it was only the sane and moon that could be seen for many miles to come”. By doing this, you can connect both of those sentence ideas together while also providing more clarity as to what is happening. Of course, this is just a personal preference, so feel free to ignore this suggestion <3

And as the two people neared, they could hear bird shrieks and caws, growls and footsteps. Crickets chirped and the air itself seemed to whisper.

I know there's probably not much you can do about this, but the usage of “people” both at the starting and here just seems kind of off to me. Like I've stated before ahah, I find that maybe adding some description would help your point come across more effectively. Something like “hooded figures” (or something along those lines) will provide more variety as well as flow within your writing.

And, as the sun rose, the adventurers’ spirits brightened with it, their posture straightening. They dusted off their saddles, calling to each other for food and water, eagerly urging their weary steeds on. The air of new things- of new riches- was enticing.
And then, finally, they had reached the jungle.

I find that you're using “And” a lot as a sentence starter, which becomes a bit repetitive after a while. It also feels a bit unrelated in some sense because the two sentences that you're connecting don't seem completely related. They're introducing new topics and ideas, which kind of goes against the purpose of using a conjunction like “and”. (It's fine the way it is, but if you're looking to further enhance your writing a general sentence structure, I'd recommend looking out for these things ;D)

The Desert Temple was meant to be the easiest of the three to find. But it had proved to be the most dangerous trip they’d ever been on…

Up until this point your dialogue and characterization have been on par <3 I really enjoy how you've established the relationships between your two characters, and how they interact with each other. The description and words you use help me to envision the scene, and I wouldn't really change much about the exposition/description happening here!

They fell, and fell, and fell.
SPLASH!
They crashed hard into an underground pool, coughing up water but somehow alive. They were in a narrow cavern, the light of the

AHH you just have a way with dialogue, CD! I feel like the components of your story that include dialogue really have me hooked in, feeling the tension that your characters are going through XD (which is an amazing thing, so I really want to applaud you for that!). This is probably me just being picky again, but similar to how you used “and” a lot before, I find that you're starting a lot of your sentences with the word “they” here. I understand that it's completely fine, but like I said before, I would recommend changing it up to give the reader some variety.

(note to self: you stopped at the part where Steve steps on the center tile <3)

Overall
AHH CD <3 This is such an amazing weekly part, like I can't even begin to describe how amazing your writing is! You have such a unique style (whether that eb phrasing or word choice) that really helps to get your reader fully captivated in what you've written. From what I can see, writing dialogue for exposition is definitely one of your strong points because I could clearly envision all of the scenes in my head - it was as if I was on the adventure alongside both Steve and Alex. Although I didn't finish reading the whole thing yet (don't worry– I will come back to it when I have more time <3), I have to say that you are an extremely talented writer and I love what you've decided to do with the fourth weekly! Keep soaring high, I can't wait to see all the other amazing things you come up with ;D

AmazaEevee

Weekly #4
3/29-31/2024
1320 words

Yet another SWC fanfic of a SWC fanfic from the POV of a cow ;D This is the least serious, goofiest thing ever, so yeah akfjsjdjka-

Part 1:
204 words

Overview: Cheese Junior gets lost in the forest, makes a friend, realizes that the neighborhood kids, mangoes, and fancy hairdryers aren’t the only good things that can be eaten, and returns to the gang a changed cow who will now tolerate grass.

Cheese Jr starts off in the main world, SWC island. He’s with the HRAH gang and he follows them around blindly, getting spoiled with treats and occasional glares from Paige.
He gets lost in the forest after playing Tarzan with Cheese.
He tries to find his way back, but he doesn’t know which way they went and he has lost the scent of dried mangoes.
He finds a frog, who becomes his companion. He calls the frog Leaf.
After walking around for a while and causing some shenanigans with Leaf, he finds no food to eat and he resorts to chomping on grass.
He wanders throughout the forest with Leaf, pondering on his decision to eat grass and thinks about previous dietary decisions. He decides that maybe grass is okay, in moderation.
He chases after Leaf and finds the gang waiting for him in a clearing.
Cheese immediately takes an interest in Leaf and Eevee offers Cheese Junior some dried mango slices.

Ingredients chosen: New character introduction, flashback, new POV, foreshadowing, open-ended

Part 2:
103 words

The sun is yellow, the sky blue, and the dried mango I’m chewing on is delicious.
It’s just another day for us, the group of 5 humans and I. Trudging through the forest and running away from the hosts. I don’t mind it all too much. I love walking and I can follow them around while staring at the pretty butterflies.
But no matter how pretty the butterflies look, they taste awful. All icky.

“Cheese Junior! Come this way!” Mistress yells, waving her arms towards the left, away from where I have wandered.
I quickly change my course and trot next to her.

Part 3:
1043 words (after edits + quotes)
1034 words (with quotes from original HRAH fic)
1004 words (without quotes)

“Junior, stay close to me,” my lady says, glancing around with her eyes squinted. “The hosts could hop out and take you at any moment…”
I stay close by my lady’s side, getting bribed back in with new slices of dried mango from Eevee when I stray.

~~

The forest is very dry today, very dry.
It probably doesn’t help that I left the pond go explore the forest.
The river’s water, water, and more water. I wanted something more exciting. I can’t seem to find a way to see the world without getting dehydrated though.
My webbed feet keep getting caught in the footprints on the ground.

~~

“Aaaaaaaah!” Mistress yelps, her arm tightening around me as she leaps off the tree and into the next.
The yell and the loud creaking of branches as we land in the tree causes the group to look up at us.
Ara raises an arm to shield her eyes from the sun. “Cheese, what have we said about playing Tarzan in the forest? Especially with Cheese Junior with you?” she asks, the question all to familiar to my ears.
Mistress swings us down, placing me on the ground, as my stomach rumbles. “That it’s ‘unsafe’ and could ‘alert the hosts’,” she recites, her hands in finger quotes around her head.
“It’s not that we don’t want you guys having fun, because we all do!” Eevee sing-songs, “We just need to get far enough from the hosts first.”
“I don’t want them to. Does anyone care what I want?” Paige grumbles.
My lady laughs at Paige’s remark, a risky move, if I do say so myself. It becomes a nervous chuckle as Paige glares at her.

~~

Each hop I’m taking is another leap for frogs around the forest—frogkind? amphibiankind? Hm.. I’m not sure.
There are voices ahead; I’m getting somewhere. It’s an odd group of multicolored… tall things. And a smaller fuzzy-looking black and white rock.

I jump forward sticking to the edge of the path, attempting to blend in with the edges of the grass. It’s not easy, my bright yellow skin visible in most places. But I hop slowly, making my way closer, inch by inch…

~~

They’re talking about… stuff. Safety, food, that kind of stuff. Either way, I’m not part of the conversation, not interested, and I’ve zoned them out to a background hum.
So far, I’ve been searching the ground for something to eat. Various rocks, the bug that was on my hoof, and the mysterious purple gunk are all discarded.
Ooh, what’s that?
I clop over to the yellow spot in the grass. Eevee must have dropped some mango on accident.

~~

The rock moves. I repeat, the fuzzy rock moves.
It’s coming close to me and a lot bigger than I originally thought now that it’s up close.

I turn around and hop as fast as I can.

~~

I look down at the yellow chunk, inspecting it. It seems… lumpier than most mangoes.
Woah!

I jump back and let out a small moo as the pseudo-mango hops away. Where is the food going?

~~

I’m leaping away, pushing against the ground as I launch myself into the air again. Zigzagging, while exhausting, seems to be a good strategy in confusing the fuzzy rock.
It did let out a weird sound earlier, so maybe it isn’t a rock?
I can’t linger on that thought; it’s after me, so who cares what it is!

I decide to stop leaping, the sound of trotting behind me slowing. My legs are exhausted and I sit myself down at the edge of the path. I turn to see the fuzzy rock a few feet away.
I’ve never seen such a fuzzy rock. And it made a weird sound. And are those ears? I don’t think that’s a rock.

The not-rock plops itself down next to me and moos.
Huh. Seems friendly enough.

~~

I have finally caught up to the leaping mango. It moves fast. Too fast. I like my food to not move at all. This is not food that I will like. I’m sitting down next to the bright yellow lump, letting my legs rest. I’ve got a lot of exercise in today!
I stare at the pseudo-mango. It leaps. It looks like it could be yummy. But it leaps. Is it a froggie?
I lean my head closer to the ground, closer to the yellow whatchamacallit.
Legs. Big eyes. And EW, a tongue.

I blink twice, shaking my head as the long tongue that stuck to me got removed.
Ew, ew, ew, it’s sticky-

~~

The fuzzy not-rock is very fuzzy. Fuzzy things feel interesting on my tongue. I probably shouldn’t have licked it.

I think the not-rock is good.

~~

I sit next to the frog until my belly grumbles.
That’s right! I was looking for food, so I chased the leaping mango.
I like the frog though; the frog is now Mango.
What do I usually eat? Mango slices, flowers, the kids in the neighborhood… And fancy hairdryers.

“I hope it isn’t mine,” Eevee had said, glaring at Cheese, her arms folded over her chest.
Cheese, my lady, had chuckled nervously and occupied herself by playing with a burning piece of chalk. “Umm, the really fancy one with your name on it? Yeah, nope. No idea what you're talking about.”
“I hope so. That cost a fortune,” Eevee replied before she turned to face the rest of the group.
I had shrunk away, the weight of the fancy hairdryer heavy in my stomach.

After that, I didn’t really have the appetite for any more hairdryers. The guilt stays with me. I don’t particularly like eating much else, and not anything around here.

I get up and on my feet, realizing that not only do I not have anything to eat, but I also don’t know where the others are.

I put my head towards the ground, nudging Mango with my nose. She gets the hint and hops on.
We just have to find our way back now. It’s been long since I recall smelling the scent of dried mangoes or cat fur that’s on Ara’s clothes.
I don’t know where they are, but I will find them.

Besides, I have a friend to keep me occupied now.

Last edited by AmazaEevee (March 31, 2024 20:59:29)

ForestPanther

critique for alana

407 wordywordss

The grassy plains stretched along the horizon for miles, and the sun glimmered in the sky, shining its luminous light amongst the vibrant shades of pink and yellow scattered in the clouds. It was as if someone had blended those two colors together using a brush that hadn’t been washed after its last dip in yellow.

This is beautiful imagery!!
I love the sky being the focus- often I feel it's ignored but it's such an integral part of the scene and I just loved how you chose to describe it <33
This does lead to the first bit about the plains feeling slightly underdone/out of place, but that doesn't impact the read much at all.
'those two colours' to me feels slightly wordy- since you've already referenced the pink and yellow it could be possible to just use ‘the colours’ or ‘those colours’
I really, really love the use of the word ‘scattered’ here, it's perfect.

The valley was quite vast in size as it was mainly made up of nature that thrived in the land. The one community that did live in the center of the land worked together to harvest the surrounding crops.

I don't quite understand this first sentence- it seems to be suggesting that the valley was large because nature thrived in it, which only geographically wouldn't make sense.
The word ‘land’ is only used twice but as they're quite close it does feel repetitive.

As the snow banks began to melt - a sign of spring and new beginnings - the cherry blossoms that were a predominant site in the valley began to blossom. Everywhere you looked, shades of white and pastel pink were present. It was almost like living through a surreal fantasy; something you could only hope for, but would never come true no matter how hard you wished. Although the valley was known for its breathtaking beauty, it was more commonly remembered for all the legends and prophecies that revolved around it.

Oh my gosh, I love the snow/spring thing, it really sets the tone!
That's a great transition from description to the introduction of themes and plot. It, to me, hints at something going on under the surface, beneath all the beauty. (And maybe that's what you were attempting to hint at?

)

At the time, the Elders from above as well as common ritual leaders would use their psychic abilities to predict the future.

At what time? It's not entirely clear- I think it's at the time of the legends, but a different starter may help to explain.

These theories were then stored in orb-like spheres, all encased in glass, to protect them from the eyes of the darkness that lurked within the shadows. Protected at such security, they were forgotten as time went on - despite this, countless greedy individuals did take an occasional hike up to the Ancient Temple of Lost Secrets.

The ‘protected at such security’ bit is a little bit of a funny clause- I'm not really sure how to clarify it though.

As expected, they were met with such fatal deaths since the temple was sealed by the magic from the Elders. Centuries passed and as time went on, the _____ were lost to wind.

This is a lot of information at once, but I feel like it's presented in a really clear, orderly way

Throughout the piece there are a lot of long, beautiful sentences- it may help variation and readability to add a few short, punchy ones in

This is a really, really amazing bit of writing!! (and I'm hoping to read the final piece when it's done :0) Your use of simile in description is truly amazing, and it allows the scene to be portrayed so clearly it's like a photograph. The description, especially towards the start, it honestly incredible, and I feel like it's great at pulling the reader in and allowing them to really engage in the story from the start! That definitely seems to be a massive strong suit :00 Anything I've said is entirely nitpicking. This is a lovely work to read (like all your writing!) and I'm very glad I got to see it <333

Polarbear_17

~ Meet Me in the Back, and You'll Find Out Why ~ Detroit: Evolution Fan-Fiction Poetry Anthology (2000 words including introductory note)

Author’s Note (optional, not included in word count):
One of my favorite works of asexual representation, Detriot: Evolution’s portrayal of Nines and Gavin’s relationship is phenomenal— everyone needs to see this short film. I’ve rewatched this film on repeat a million times (this is not hyperbole). I hope I did the fandom justice with this series of twelve poems, alternating between Gavin’s and Nine’s perspectives.
The titles of each poem in this anthology come from a lyric straight out of each song on Jack Stauber’s Pop Food album. The song associated with each lyric is listed below:
“You cut me to size” — Buttercup
“It’s negative attention at best” — Oh Klahoma
“Harmony destroyer” — I Love You Verne Troyer
“Can I breathe you?” — Koi Boy
“Meet me in the back, and you’ll find out why” — Dog Nightmare (my favorite on the album!)
“The ringing of silence” — Bothersome
“Leave my mind” — Safe Socks
“Tug the pull string” — My Plea
“I mend the heart with practice” — Lynn
“Swing with a soft decay” — I Understand
“Fireworks and cinnamon gum” — Candy Eyes
“I’m back to town and I miss you” — Look On (hidden track)

Special thanks to @Sunclaw68 for teaching me how to format this! In my last poetry anthology entry, I also did structure poetry, but I was quite limited by the scratch forums formatting tools, so Sun's image technique really helped me out here Also, special thanks to @ap0l0, @MoonlitSeas, @–tranquility, and @-NightGlow- for looking over and providing critiques <3

While this anthology can be interpreted and understood without prior context of the film, here are some brief bits of context that may lead to a more canon interpretation (and additional definitions of allusions, technical jargon, and idioms that may help certain readers):

**Spoiler’s Ahead!!**

You Cut Me to Size (Gavin’s Perspective): The anthology starts with this poem, which essentially establishes the banter-filled dynamic between Nines and Gavin. Gavin’s go-to nickname for Nines is “tin can,” and, in return, Nines calls Gavin “meat sack.” “Cyberlife” is the place where all androids are built. “Thirium” is basically the blue blood of an android. “Deviancy” is the term for when androids break free from their programming and have their own consciousness. “Frankenstein-esque” is an allusion to Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, which is a monster made out of various parts that come alive through the use of electricity. Dark coffee is mentioned in this poem because Gavin’s favorite drink is coffee.

It’s Negative Attention at Best (Nines’s Perspective): This poem is about Nines rebuking Gavin’s worries that Nines might be into Ada (a female android). According to the film, “androids are built to be aesthetically pleasing,” but that doesn’t mean androids have an attraction towards one another. Sleepless nights and paranoia refer to Gavin’s nightmares (elaborated more in “Meet Me in the Back, and You’ll Find Out Why”). “Sugar and cotton” refer to Ada’s blue eyes, while “panic and late-night caffeine” refer to Gavin’s hazel eyes. Secrets made of “shame and bone” is a reference to the idiom “skeletons in your closet/cupboard/etc.” — skeletons are typically associated with secrets and shame. “I feel nothing for her” is a paraphrased quote from the film.

Harmony Destroyer (Gavin’s Perspective): This poem is a haiku, which consists of five syllables in the first line, seven syllables in the second line, and five syllables in the third line. Authentic haikus almost always discuss some form of nature, hence the metaphor with gas (and also the parallel discussion on human nature). This gas metaphor is especially fitting as the poem’s message is a reference to the scene in which Gavin and Nines are in the car together waiting to apprehend a suspect; while they wait, they talk about relationships and romantic attraction, and Gavin reveals that all of his past relationships failed because they leave him as soon as things get bad.

Can I Breathe You? (Nines’s Perspective): In the game, the RK800/RK900 models have simulations called “Zen Gardens” — these mind gardens are the place where these androids process all their information. In Nines’s particular case, his garden also has an imagined version of Gavin (who always wears a white T-shirt in the simulations), a notable bridge, and flowers. The reference to a firing squad is a play on words in how neurons “fire” when they go off. “Neural networks” is a type of machine learning in computer science, “augmented reality” computer-generated graphics being placed in the real world, “binary” is how computers store data through 1s and 0s, “sandbox” is an isolated environment to test software, “firewall” is a type of security measure, and a “byte” is a way of measuring chunks of binary. The last stanza is a reference to how robots can’t smell anything— the best they can do is predict how things smell through inference. The reference to leather jackets refers to Gavin’s typical outfit in the real world.

Meet Me in the Back, and You’ll Find Out Why (Gavin’s Perspective): This poem refers to Gavin’s nightmare scene, in which Nines rushes into his bedroom after Gavin has a nightmare of dying in the snow outside of the Detroit Police Department. Carriers in bloodstreams circulating is a play on words— blood circulates in the bloodstream, and blood cells carry nutrients to body cells. Alternatively, (news) carriers circulate information through the publication of circulations (aka newspapers). “head(board)stone” combines the two words, “headboard” and “headstone” — a headboard is the back piece of wood of a bed, while a headstone is a stone placed on a grave.

The Ringing of Silence (Nines’s Perspective): This poem refers to the argument Gavin and Nines have outside of a bar. The argument ends with Gavin telling Nines that he doesn’t need him (“I don’t need you” is a direct quote from the film). The final lines can be interpreted metaphorically with plays on words, or as oxymorons.

Leave My Mind (Gavin’s Perspective): Immediately following the argument, Nines walks Ada back to Jericho, only for Ada to ambush Nines and cause his operating system to shut down (it takes thirty seconds for his operating system to shut down). “Silicon” is hypothesized to be one of the main materials used to create android skin (according to the fandom). At the end of the scene, the DPD arrives to send Nines to the hospital. At the hospital, Gavin regrets that his last words to Nines were “I don’t need you.” The homophones used for lines 24-27 refer back to the oxymorons at the end of “The Ringing of Silence.”

Tug the Pull String (Nines’s Perspective): While Nines is in a coma, he is trapped in a corrupted version of his mind garden. Despite this, he can hear Gavin’s voice in the real world (additionally, “your voice broke through” is a paraphrased quote, “you’ve got the real thing up there” is a direct quote, “this mind garden could be rebuilt into an amusement park” is a paraphrased quote, and “a force you can’t live without” is a direct quote). To break out of his coma, Nines destroys his mind garden to start afresh. “Monet garden” is a reference to the artist Claude Monet, who was famous for drawing gardens and flowers. “Dali wasteland” is a reference to the artist Salvador Dali, who was famous for drawing bizzaro scenes.

Swing With a Soft Decay (Gavin’s Perspective): This poem follows the Petrarchan sonnet form, following an ABBAABBA CDCDCD rhyme scheme; the octave stanza establishes a problem, while the sestet stanza provides relief to this problem (the jump between these stanzas is called a “volta”). Sonnets are typically written to emphasize themes of love; additionally, the poem follows iambic pentameter, with a total of ten syllables that alternate between unstressed and stressed syllables. This poem uses perfect rhymes to stay as true to an authentic sonnet as possible. This poem refers to the scene in which Gavin and Nines reunite, which ends with their first kiss as they embrace each other.

I Mend the Heart With Practice (Nines’s Perspective): This poem could be canonically interpreted in multiple ways; either as a reference to Nines freeing Ada by allowing her to deviate or as a reference to Nines finally showing Gavin what it truly feels to be loved. “Give me a second” is an idiom that is used to ask someone to pause for a moment. “Olive branch” is a common symbol used to represent peace. “Boiling water” is a reference to the idiom of being “in hot water,” which means to be in trouble. “Commands of a script” is a computer science term; a script refers to the text file that runs when executing a program, and commands run a certain section of a script. This could also be idiomatically interpreted as “stick to the script,” in which someone continues with their initial plan/direction.

Fireworks and Cinnamon Gum (Gavin’s Perspective): This poem’s five parts refer to the five senses of sight, touch, hearing, smell, and taste. The metaphor of fireworks in the first part of the poem refers to the Fourth of July, the day in which America declared its independence (it’s celebrated to establish patriotic loyalty to the country… sigh, Americans…). This poem is loosely based on the ending of Detriot: Evolution, in which Gavin tells Nines on the rooftop how his life has changed for the better after meeting him.

I’m Back to Town and I Miss You (Nine’s Perspective): Hey! It’s a six-word story/poem. I made use of the title to help extend its meaning; using the title as the first line of a poem is loosely based on Emily Dickinson’s poetry (though, she never actually did this in her poems— her editors designated the first line of her untitled poems to be the title to her posthumous poems). This poem references back to Nines’s and Gavin’s teasing dynamic with the word choice of “bet.”

Last edited by Polarbear_17 (April 3, 2024 01:41:11)

TheWItch_of_Jam

This was one of my favorite writing comp entries I've seen! It's really good, I'd love to see a sequel. It also sounds sort of poetry-like, which sounds very nice! Alright, on to the critiques: ‘your tiny head of poofy blonde hair at the park.’ Saying tiny head, even for a kid, sounds sort of weird? Maybe just get rid of the tiny part. I also like how you use the ocean eyes to help tell which character is talking, but I've read a lot of things where one of the main characters has ocean eyes, so maybe pond or lake, or something like that (Ok, I admit that might just be a personal preference XD)? For titles I have a couple ideas : Your Rings Are Muffled Now, Our Shadows, Intertiwined. Hope that is good, sorry this critiqe is shorter but I hope it was helpful, bye! -thewitchofjam

time_is_running_0ut

A midnight away
Writing Competition Entry

Don’t do it.
She had to!
She had to save her friends. She had to make things right.
Don't do it.
The Seer’s words echoed through her head, causing but the slightest headache.
Don't do it.

Night had fallen, yet Asteria hadn’t fallen asleep. Her restlessness had caused her great pain a few days ago, but now it gave her comfort. Four of the six moons shone bright through the window, lighting up the lush hills of Arken. It was an omen. I can rescue them, she thought. then they’ll forgive me and everything will be alright.
I hope.
Tiptoeing down the marble stairs, jumping at the faintest sound, she stood in the almost empty castle. She carefully crept toward the dungeons.
Without warning, she heard a distinct noise.
A faint roar.
Asteria tried to ignore it and strode carefully through the cold hallways, silent as stone. Warm, yellow light shone wearily through the halls, causing a sudden panic that forced her to hide. The night guard glanced over the lantern he was holding, yawned, and sluggishly stumbled toward the left doorway.
Safe.
She stood up, quietly, and then walked out as quickly as she could. The musty smell of dungeons became clear as she approached the brass door. She opened it, slowly, shuddering as the door agonizingly creeeeaaaakked open.
“Well, well, well. If it isn’t the rebel princess.” An amused voice said from behind her.
Asteria whipped around, scowling. The moonlight was just bright enough to pick out the features on his face.
“Sidian.” she said, almost to herself. Suddenly realization struck her like a bolt of lightning. “Wait—Sidian?” Fear flooded her veins, her adrenaline racing.
“Yes.” he said slowly, as if he were explaining fire to a two-year-old. He took a step towards her. “Thank you.”
“For what?” She said, backing away. “I didn’t do anything for you, and I like it that way.”
“Ah,” Sidian said. “You let me out.” He held up his arms, which were still locked in broken handcuffs.
“Wait,” she said. “I never—”
“Oh, not these,” he said. He nodded to the door. “That door only opens on this side, I’m afraid.”
“I didn’t know you were caught.”
“Well, it’s your father who caught me. It was bound to happen sooner or later.” he said, slightly chuckling. “He absolutely loathes me.”
“But—why?”
Sidian didn’t answer.
“Now, we have some idiots to free, don’t we?” He said.
“We?” Asteria said. “I don’t—”
“You need me, Princess.” He said smugly. “I have the key.”
“So do I.” She said. “I can do this by myself.”
“Can you?” He said. “You have one key. I have the other. Two locks, two keys. Understand?”
“Why are you helping me?” Asteria asked. “Why do you care?”
“Well, you let me out, remember? And…I have a score to settle with your father.”
Asteria nodded slowly, regretting trying to save her friends. She did not want to admit that she thought there was only one lock, but Sidian probably picked that up due to her blatant response.
Prying one of the bulky handcuffs off, Sidian used it to prop the door open. “Ladies first.” He said, motioning for her to step inside. She did, reluctantly, and the musty smell was sharpened. “Charming, isn’t it?” Sidian said, sliding through. “Compared to you,” Asteria muttered. They walked past many prison cells full of rats and the occasional depressed prisoner.
Then they walked over to the cells holding her friends.
Lerissa hissed at her like a feral cat, backing away from her into the corner. “You little traitor,” she said. “Coming back now? It’s too late. We all know what you are.”
“A liar,” Cadere said.
“A backstabber,” Harke supplied.
“The Arkanian Princess.” Mira spat.
A tense silence overcame them.
“It wasn’t her,” Caz said finally. “The guards just came.”
“Because of the spy,” Lerissa said. “Because of her,”
“We have no proof.” Caz said firmly. “I know the odds are against her but—”
Sidian sighed loudly. “Yes, yes, a touching reunion. Hurry the heck up and let’s get out of here.” Asteria quickly unlocked all the cells and they swung open.
They all looked at each other and then at Sidian. Lerissa screamed quietly, then was silenced by his glare. Caz stared in confused horror, then fixed his face before Sidian noticed it.
Asteria unlocked the handcuffs restraining them and motioned them to go. A roar echoed in the halls again, but louder. “What—” Asteria started.
“Dragons,” Caz said grimly.
A flap of feathered wings sounded from above. A flash of red caught her eye. “Oh great,” Sidian muttered. “The oversized chicken.”
A giant red bird with beautiful golden wings sailed down in front of them. Its beady eyes sparkled with malice.
A phoenix.
“Say hello to my dear friend Nox,” Sidian muttered. “Son of the legend Lux and an absolute f—treasure.”
“He gouges out the eyes of escaping prisoners,” Mira said. “Which means us.”
“So run,” Caz suggested.
“I like you,” Sidian said. “You’re not as stupid as the others,”
Nox flew dangerously close, and made a quick jab at Cadere. He ducked, then ran to the locked door. He tugged at the handle in vain, proceeding to alert the guards on the other side.
“Idiot boy!” Sidian yelled. “Now the whole castle knows!” He ran past the agitated phoenix and jammed the key into the lock. He twisted vigorously until a click was heard and pushed the heavy door open. Guards surrounded the entrance.
The phoenix squawked loudly and made a dive at Asteria. Caz grabbed it an inch before her face and snapped its neck. He tossed it to the floor, expecting it to burst into flames and dissolve into ashes. The bird promptly lay there, until a crack was heard and the bird’s broken bones were mended. It hopped up and flew to the ceiling, where it screeched louder than anything Asteria had ever heard.
It’s alerting everyone.
Sidian had fought most of the guards off, but there were still a few who were fighting like there was no tomorrow.
There probably isn’t, Asteria thought, looking at the mangled corpses Sidian left behind. at least not for them.
Asteria hefted her sword out of its sheath, and helped him break through the rest of the guards. When the soldiers had been reduced to cadavers, they ran toward the castle walls.
Sidian stopped in front of the door to the outer wall. Voices and the sound of shuffling feet were heard from the other side.
“Is there another way?” Lerissa said.
“Yes,” Asteria said. “But—”
“So then let’s go,” Harke said.
“It’s not that simple,” Asteria said. “We have to go through…”
“What? We don’t have time to sit here and talk. Hurry up and tell us,” Cadere barked.
“Um…we have to go through the throne room.”
“Where your father is,” Sidian said. “Perfect.”
“I say we risk the outer wall.” Mira suggested.
“Either way we’re gonna die,” Harke replied nervously.
“Wait.” Asteria said.
Asteria took a step outside, in front of the guards. “You there,” she said, pointing to a scrawny young one. “What are your orders? To find the escaping prisoners?”
“Um, uh…yes. We were commanded to block all exits. This is an exit.”
“Yes, but I saw them at the left wall. I order you to go there.”
“But I have orders.”
“I JUST GAVE YOU AN ORDER. GO NOW.”
He bowed his head and scurried off. Several other guards followed him, slightly bewildered by the sudden submission. Eight guards were left. Enough for them to fight.
“Sidian, come. Most of them are gone.” Asteria whispered.
He sighed and whipped out his sword, still dripping with gore. He burst out the door.
“Surprise,” he said cheerfully.
The guards looked frightened but drew their swords as well. The first guard met him with an overhead blow, but it was counterattacked. Asteria pulled out her own sword, and made a strike at the second. He parried it, and made a stab at her gut. She dodged, feinted, and landed a hard blow on his shoulder. He gave a loud holler and made an impulsive attempt to slice her neck. The spontaneous reaction left him vulnerable. Asteria stabbed her sword in between the crevices of his chestplate. He fell to the floor, gasping for air, and Asteria kicked him away, slightly guilty. Sidian had finished off three others, using the long drop from the top of the wall to the ground below as an advantage. He was fighting a third who, predictably, was timid with fear. Two guards had fled, undoubtedly to retrieve reinforcements. Asteria grabbed a rather skinny guard and pushed him off the edge. Just leaving the last one.
There was something familiar about the way he fought, the way he held his sword as he parried, the way he ducked notoriously when an attack was too high to block.
Ezra.
Sidian made a deadly blow to his shoulder that even he couldn’t counter. He closed his eyes, somewhat accepting his fate.
A sword flew out of nowhere and blocked it.
“No!” Asteria yelled. “Not him. Anyone but him.”
“ARE YOU AN IDIOT?” Sidian roared. “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE—”
“Asteria!?” Ezra exclaimed. “You—”
“Go,” Asteria, motioning for him to go. “Take them with you. Go and get them out of the city.”
“What are you going to do?” Caz said.
“To cover us up. We’ll all be together again soon.”
Ezra narrowed his eyes at Caz. “Who do you think you are, b—”
“Just go,” Asteria pleaded.
He reluctantly agreed and set off.
Asteria ran inside the castle, panic stricken. She ran to the Eastern Tower, which had been clear of guards. As she reached the doorway, a couple soldiers grabbed her arms and pulled her to the throne room.
The marble columns glittered ominously at her, almost smirking as she was being pulled to an impending doom.
“We found her,” the guard to her left said.
“I can see that.”
Asteria stared in horror as she faced her father.
“Well, well, well. Look who broke the rules…again.” He said. “I have spared you before. This time, there will be…”
“…consequences.”

1lMaM

clev's critique (i love it when i critique people whose names start with c)

Hi! Really loved your piece. I thought the symbolism and emotive language was great - especially in sentences like “wretched flames reach up to the clouds” and “they're just memories… darkness wraps the night like a blanket”. The use of one-word lines etc. was also amazing, and it really emphasized Ivy's despair, as well as the repetition you used.
Sometimes, though, I felt the repetition was a bit too much - in the ‘don’t you ever want to…' parts, I thought you could take away the ‘don’t you ever want to' in the later lines. It becomes almost an effort to read after the first couple of lines, for me, and starts to blur away. Perhaps you could only periodically put these in - every four lines or so, maybe. Apart from that, I really loved these parts!
The use of (brackets) - I loved the idea, but I felt the choice of brackets to show these things didn't quite fit. Brackets, to me, almost seem unnecessary, a small thing at the end that goes with the main idea. Most things in brackets contrast what's been previously said - I don't think it fits what you're going for. Perhaps you could use italics for this bit (the wind whistles in the distance. or does it howl?) People use italics to represent potentially contrasting thoughts - that could be a better fit - but you can choose, really.
“Don't let him die.” This is more specific, but I was confused when reading this. Who is ‘he’? Is ‘he’ the fire, or someone else? (I understand now, and it clicks really nicely once you understand, but I didn't. So I paused on that bit.)
In the aforementioned bit, though, I really love how it clicked so perfectly at “unlike him”. That part was great. I also loved the memory parts, the floaty naivete of it and how it contrasts with the desperate worship of the flame in the rest of the piece.
Overall, amazing piece! It had a great flow and was wonderful to read. Thanks!

-WildClan-

PART 1: Making an Outline
The story is set in an imaginary ecosystem, where a new species, the shazarxa, has recently been introduced
The shazarxi are beginning to learn to live there and explore the unknown, but there are variations in how they want their social structure to function, which causes conflict
This story takes place within this messy social scene, from the point of view of Thorn
Thorn grows up in a loving family: his father, Ember; his mother, Marigold; his brother, Parsnip; and his genderfluid sibling, Teardrop
Marigold slowly begins to lose her memory, and while this is hard on all of them, Thorn takes it the worst
Thorn is comforted by his friend, Holly, and the two eventually fall in love
Meanwhile, the society’s main leader, Swift, dies, and there is conflict between Shade and Ash, who both have a claim to be the next leader
Inevitably, Shade and Ash’s rivalry splits the whole society in half, and Thorn ends up siding with Shade, against the rest of his family
Labelled as a traitor by his loved ones, Thorn is reasonably stressed, and he develops sleepwalking habits
His brother, Parsnip, takes advantage of the sleepwalking to manipulate the situation to his own desires
Thorn becomes more and more paranoid and unstable
When Shade and Ash have their major battle, Thorn is too cowardly to join in
He watches as Ash is killed, his former home is destroyed by Parsnip, and Parsnip and Marigold both dying in the process; he also believes Teardrop to be dead, but they escape and run away
Thorn is unable to handle it, so even though it means abandoning Holly a second time, he runs off
He stumbles around on his own for a while, trying to deal with his trauma
Eventually he runs into a guy named Comet, who clings to him despite Thorn initially expressing distrust and hostility
Comet’s exuberance eventually wins Thorn over, and they have a tentative friendship
Thorn leads Comet home to the canyon and this time, he stays, too
He eventually makes up with both Holly and Ember, though it takes time to get their forgiveness
When Teardrop returns, Thorn has mixed feelings, but they can sympathize with each other’s trauma, and so they reach a state of weary familiarity which is close enough of a bond for them
Thorn never fully forgives Parsnip but learns to put up with his ghost, especially as Parsnip and Comet are instant buddies

PART 2: Exposition
Thorn blinked up at Ember, who smiled back kindly. “It’s alright,” Ember encouraged him, pushing him gently with his tail. “You can go out and play with them.”
“Don’t be afraid,” Marigold purred affectionately.
“Okay,” Thorn squeaked, tentatively setting a paw out of the shade of the canyon wall. The land stretched out before him, so wide, so confusing. Across the clearing, his siblings, Parsnip and Teardrop, wrestled noisily. He wanted to run back and curl up in his parents’ soft fur. He glanced back at them. They were watching him encouragingly.
“Thorn! Are you finally joining us?” Parsnip called, noticing him approach.
“Can I?”
“Of course!” He laughed carelessly, jumping up and tumbling into Thorn. Thorn stiffened at the impact as Parsnip’s weight toppled them both over and the two fell into a heap.
“Hey! Be nice to Thorn,” Teardrop chided Parsnip, bounding over. He licked the dust off of Thorn’s head protectively.
Thorn closed his eyes, a little dizzy. But it wasn’t so bad. Maybe this wouldn’t be as scary as it looked. It might even be fun. Cautiously, he opened his eyes and smiled.
Shaking Parsnip off, he sprang to his paws. “What are we playing?”

PART 3: Story Stew
Introduce a Symbol & Foreshadowing
“I brought you all a gift!” Parsnip chirped, scampering up to where Thorn and Teardrop rested in the den next to Marigold and Ember. He clutched in his tiny jaws a bundled-up structure, clearly made with his own claws.
Parsnip had been making a lot of additions to the dens recently. Instead of scattered nests, he dreamt of an interconnected network of waterproofed shelters. Thorn wasn’t sure that would work out, but he didn’t want to interrupt his brother’s passion.
This was the first time Parsnip had built something to give to someone else, though. “I-it’s not spiders again, is it?” Thorn questioned, slightly nervous.
“No- look!” Parsnip sat back on his hind legs, and used his front paws to hold up the circles of branches he had tied.
He stuck his face in the middle of one of the circles and giggled. “It’s a circle, see? Each of them has ten knots- two for you, and two for Marigold, and two for Ember and two for me and two for Teardrop! One for each of our eyes!”
Parsnip plopped a circle down on each of their heads in turn. Thorn wrapped his tail around to feel the bark of the branches and the knotted strands tying them together. “Hey, it’s poking my head,” he complained. “Are there thorns in this?”
“But you’re the Thorn,” Parsnip joked. Thorn squinted at him, recognizing the glint of mischief in his red eyes. He had purposefully put thorns in it, hadn’t he?
Thorn sighed, not wanting to make a scene about it. Parsnip’s pranks were always silly stuff like this.

New Conflict Arises
“Congratulations on fledging!” Holly purred, brushing against Thorn’s side.
“We can finally fly together,” Thorn responded, ruffling his new flight feathers with giddy delight.
“Looking forwar-” she was interrupted by a growl coming from the leader’s rock.
Ash and Shade were circling each other, fur spiking upwards and wings raised aggressively. “Oh, dear,” Holly whispered under her breath. Shade was her sister, and the two were opposites. In all the ways that Holly was patient and gentle, Shade was harsh and fierce instead. Thorn was a little intimidated by her.
The previous leader, Swift, had been taken down by a wolf attack not even a full moon ago, and as soon as the grieving was done, Shade and Ash were at each other’s throats over which of them should take his place.
Shade scared Thorn, but Ash wasn’t a great alternative. Thorn had seen his anger, his indecisiveness, his capacity for violence. He had seen Ash closer than he should have been to Holly. Sure, Teardrop was infatuated with Ash. But Thorn knew better than anyone how naive Teardrop could be. They always saw the best in everyone and completely ignored the warning signs. Not to mention they were overprotective and smothering…
Thorn realized he was thinking more about Teardrop than paying attention to what Ash and Shade were doing. Ash had apparently held his ground, as Shade was storming away.
However, what she proclaimed next surprised everyone. “Shazarxi of the canyon! I’m starting my own flock- anyone who doesn’t support Ash, join me! Who’s coming?”
Thorn felt suddenly torn. Picking a side? A shiver of dread ran down his spine. This wouldn’t end well.

Breaking the Fourth Wall
Had leaving Holly been the worst mistake of his life? Thorn felt miserable. He had done nothing at first, but after Shade’s exit, Ash had only grown more erratic and tyrannical. Thorn had opted to follow Shade’s pawsteps, join her flock, away from the conflict.
But everyone he left behind? Holly, and the two unhatched eggs they had together? Ember, who had seemed so genuinely hurt by his betrayal? Parsnip, who had built so many beautiful structures in the canyon? Even Teardrop, who, Thorn had to admit, only wanted to make everyone happy? Thorn’s circle of knots and thorns had been torn into pieces, to rot upon the ground.
Dreams were the only place Thorn could escape these worries that weighed him down like stones in the river. Asleep, he could turn into pure energy and light, escape the shadows, push them back. Become anything he could imagine. If only falling asleep was easier…
Sometimes he would fall asleep, completely exhausted, and wake up somewhere completely different, usually closer to the canyon. As if trying to go home.
He might have completely lost his mind if it wasn’t for Parsnip. Parsnip seemed to harbor no ill will, and so whenever Thorn’s unconscious wanderings brought him nearby, the two would talk.
Parsnip sometimes spoke of strange, things, though, which only worried Thorn more. He talked about powers beyond their control, of storylines and authors. He seemed to think that he was a character in some distant creator’s tale.
It made no sense.
Or did it?

Plot Twist
Thorn soon learned of Shade’s real plans. She didn’t want to start her own flock, she wanted to conquer Ash’s.
Thorn felt sick. He had barely slept in the past few days and kept himself isolated from Shade’s other followers. He hadn’t even visited Parsnip lately. The idea of fighting was too much to even consider.
Still, there was nothing he could do to stop Shade. He was helpless as she led her forces to battle, helpless as he saw Teardrop rise to face off against the attackers, slashing and biting like some kind of monstrous beast.
“What have we all become…” Thorn whispered, desolate. The panic threatened to overcome him, yet his paws felt rooted in place.
“You can be the hero,” Parsnip appeared beside him, his eyes glowing with a manic delight. “You can fix all this. Save everyone.”
“What? No- no, I can’t!” Thorn spat. “Parsnip, I’m not a hero! I can’t save anyone; I can’t even save myself. I don’t know what craziness you believe, but we have no power here!”
“Hmm. Well, we’ll see,” Parsnip nodded enigmatically, then turned to leave. “Maybe there are no heroes.”
Thorn looked over his shoulder just in time to see Ash tumble from the leader’s rock, plummeting to the ground below.
There was a long silence after the sickening crunch.
When Thorn looked back, Parsnip was gone. Thorn felt as though the walls were quivering, about to collapse. His heart raced.
Wait.
The walls… were actually quaking. “Run!” Thorn was the first to screech as Parsnip’s entire den system began to peel away from the cliffs, taking massive rocks and showers of debris with it.
Thorn bolted into the sky, straining his wings to fly as fast as possible. He didn’t care where they took him. There was no home to go back to anymore, anyway.

New Character Introduction
Thorn didn’t know how far he went. The land here was unfamiliar.
He was all out of feelings now, left with only exhaustion.
Finally, he collapsed.
Sleep, at last.
The inner world was so much more welcoming than the outer one. Thorn fell into it easily. He sank into the abstractions, dreamless, but safe. Until…
“Wake up!” A voice startled Thorn so much, he jumped all the way to his paws. Bristling, he growled at the stranger in front of him.
“Nice to meet you!” the stranger continued, unbothered. “I’m Comet. Who might you be?”
Thorn smoothed his fur, but kept his distance. Where had this shazarxa come from? He had never seen them before in his life. “I- you don’t want to know me,” Thorn muttered.
“Nonsense! I want a lot of weird things, and right now, you’re the weirdest. …So?”
Well, this Comet didn’t seem threatening. Thorn straightened up, trying to relax. After a moment, he spoke.
“I’m Thorn.”

PART 4: Editing

(Critique for @stvrriii; the original piece is here: https://scratch.mit.edu/projects/979951956/#comments-394917652 and Lily's critique for me is here: https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/722823/?page=3#post-7895000 )

Wooo, fellow speedrun weekly! It’s obvious that this was very rushed, but I completely understand; mine was too xD I’ll try to focus on just the general idea of the story rather than specifics.
The exposition was nicely done; you put forth a significant effort into establishing the situation and creating an ominous mood. It feels kind of like a trailer or extended book blurb. Some parts were a little repetitive, but that could be easily fixed by rephrasing it or cutting those parts out. Not really a huge deal.
The story part is more of a summary, which is understandable, given what a complicated story you set up in your outline. It’s coherent, but it lacks detail. I’d consider fleshing it out more and perhaps suggesting some dialogue or minor character interactions that make them more unique. There are definitely a lot of secrets to be revealed and worldbuilding to be explained, so it would probably be good to consider when and how to reveal it gradually throughout the course of the story. It has potential if you were to write it into a longer piece of writing.
The flashback at the end feels somewhat out of place. I get the feeling it was only included for the sake of the story stew requirements. If you ever adapted this into an actual narrative, you should probably remove it or make it more subtle, or at least establish a precedent for Sarah to have a mysterious past that is a major influencer in how she got to her current point. Up until now, there hasn’t been much foreshadowing for it.
Mainly, what you have here is a solid outline and a summary of the events. With a lot more detail and description, it could totally be turned into a full story, even a novel maybe. You seem to have the core concepts down, and I’d be interested in reading more!
As a final side note, I find it an odd coicidence that the setting for your story was basically the same setting that I used for the previous weekly. A small town, completely surrounded by forest- I even named mine Woodburn, pretty similar to Pinewood! :0 Nothing too significant, just an interesting thing I noticed!
Happy last critique of the session :’3

Last edited by -WildClan- (April 1, 2024 23:07:48)

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