critique for crim :)

The park was empty, dark and quiet. No trace of sun had graced the autumn sky. A copse of trees stood sentinel along the edge of the park. The trees’ branches were bare, fragile and bone-like. Yellow leaves lay strewn across the earth, dirt poking between them like lines of mold.

gorgeous description to start the autumn story! it really draws me in, and puts a clear image in my mind. “no trace of sun had graced…” should be “no trace of sun graced…” unless the sun hadn’t shone for all autumn or for a longer period; if it’s only not shining in the moment of the story, simple past tense works better.

I crouched down and picked up a maple leaf, twirling it between my fingers. A section had been eaten off by some creature, perhaps a caterpillar or a beetle.
The sound of his footsteps reached me first. I straightened and turned to face him.
Kadmiel’s coat was worn, but tailored perfectly to his body. The line of his mouth was set grimly and dark eyes filled with solemnity.

characters! great job quickly establishing some traits for both of them; the narrator is curious, perhaps having an interest in nature, and kadmiel is comparatively harsh, precise, and generally “darker” than the narrator. the phrasing of “the sound of his footsteps reached me first” is unclear to me — are there others nearby also listening for him? or is it that he came to the narrator before they could decide which bug ate part of the leaf? i would also add a sentence between this one and the narrator’s action of standing up to add their opinion of him, or add a hint of that in the description in the following paragraph

I didn’t speak, and I could tell he didn’t want to. We stood in silence for several heartbeats, staring each other down—daring the other to break first.

intriguing! how can the narrator tell he doesn’t want to speak? this perception says the two are close, but adding a specific gesture — a twitch of the eyebrows? maybe a fidget with his jacket? — could really emphasize how well these characters know each other.

Kadmiel’s frown deepened when I refused to break the cold silence. “Sarah—”
“Don’t.” He would regret any word he said.
“I can’t do this, Sarah. I don’t know what to say.”
“Then don’t say anything, Kad.” I stared at the ground, at my torn-up sneakers. Anything except him.

ohoho the intrigue grows! if she was willing to look at him for so long before, why not now? (maybe this is an unproductive question, but maybe considering it can lead you to understand something about the character?) this interaction is a little vague, which makes the reader ask questions, but it also doesn’t say much about these particular characters. i’d suggest adding details about expressions, or more description of their setting — particularly when she looks away.
(coming back to this after finishing the story — having kadmiel mention a detail about the magic as he had seen it would really hook the reader here, even if it’s vague. it would also give a push for the narrator to get so mad.)

I almost believed he would listen.
“You haven’t told me what’s wrong.” At his words, I closed my eyes. “Please, just tell me.”
My hands were fists at my sides, my face a mask of anger, but I felt stubborn tears betray me. I forced myself to raise my head and face him.

her anger seems to come out of nowhere here; adding hints of it during his introduction and their initial staredown would make the emotion better integrated.

His dark curls were framed by the ghostly pale branches like antlers perched on his head. Kadmiel didn’t flinch away from my gaze but hurt flared in his eyes at my glare.
I swallowed down my fear, focusing on his eyes instead of the corpses of trees. “I’m not who you think I am.”

more great description! adding some relation to nature with the description of his eyes could integrate the setting further, but it might not be necessary. i really love the contrast between the narrator’s open, fiery emotions and his colder, more stubborn ones; contrast like this helps characters stand out.

Kadmiel didn’t speak, waiting for me to finish, but I couldn’t choke out the next words.
I shook my head, turning away.
For a moment, it seemed that he would let me go. But his soft voice crept into my ears. “Sarah. Tell me.”
My gaze drifted, and the decaying leaves grew up around me, swallowing me.
Except it wasn’t leaves, it was darkness. Shadows swirled like waves and covered all the death beneath our feet. The shadows weren’t corporeal at first, but I forced myself to reach out with my dark limbs and touch Kadmiel, gently on the arm.

magic! love the description of it here, as leaves but not. nitpicky word suggestions: i’d replace “decaying leaves grew up” to “decaying leaves piled up” (decaying leaves don’t usually grow on vines) and “his soft voice crept into” to “his soft voice found” (crept is creepy? finding is more friendly than creeping). the narrator has enough control over the darkness to touch him gently and precisely, but not enough to decide when it comes and goes? having her be less skilled with it, or more able to dictate its coming (does she welcome it when it swallows her?) would flesh out her ability with the magic.

He’d seen it before. When I was forced to reveal it to save him. Afterwords, I was so certain he’d hate me.

“afterwards” not “afterwords”

But I had soon realized he’d forgotten it, rationalized it, ignored it—I didn’t know which. He couldn’t avoid the truth any longer, though. And neither could I.
His eyes were wide, terrified.

oh no, that’s sad :sob: well done, introducing two close characters and then brutally tearing them apart so tragically, the emotions are so real. an additional gesture beyond his eyes — or just drawing attention to his stillness, if he is frozen in fear — would emphasize his terror further.

The pull of the shadows tugged on the corners of my consciousness, but I dismissed them. Light returned, the street lamps casting an ominous yellow glow over everything.

she does have a degree of control over the shadows, but not total — makes sense with what was previously established. street lamps tend to be warm rather than ominous in my experience; the warmth would be unsettling and contrasting to the widening divide between them.

Kadmiel shook his head, as if trying to dislodge the knowledge of what he’d seen—to purge it from his mind.
But we both knew there was no going back.
He opened his mouth, as if to speak, but he only shook his head again.
“Kad?” I breathed, trying in vain to ignore the trembling in my voice.
“I—” he fell to his knees, dirt staining the pale denim of his jeans.
The decay had spread, all because of me.

that is so sad! great use of decay as a symbol throughout. you really made me feel for the characters. adding more details about their expressions and relationship would definitely make the whole thing more tragic — details make characters realler, and the reality of the two characters is what makes a reader feel for them. i would also love more details about the circumstances of the initial “saving” sarah did of kadmiel, even just a few “it was like the __ that day again…” type things would situate the scene more clearly in a greater “narrative.” on the whole, i greatly enjoyed reading this piece!

Weekly

Jessica: Gosh it’s taking quite a while for my cake to get here. I specifically said deliver by 3 O’CLOCK ON THE DOT.

*ring ring*

Jessica: Bro finally. (answers the door to reveal Carter the professional cake carrier)

Carter: I have arrived and I will professionally carry your cake. (his foot stumbles a bit, the cake is quite big)

Jessica: Wonderful, I’ve been waiting.

(Carter walks, to the table, but before he can place the cake he falls)

Jessica: Oh no, I guess you lied about being a professional cake carrier. I want a refund! My cake is ruined.

Carter: Unfortunately we do not do refunds.

Jessica: And unfortunately it is my birthday. Give me another cake or I will call up your manager.

(Carter runs out of the door, and Jessica chases after him)

Jessica: GIVE ME A CAKE

Carter: NO

(Jessica climbs into the cake truck and steals a smaller cake, before running back to her house and locking the door. Carter tries to run to take it back, but the door was slammed in his face.)

Cartersays to himself) I guess it all will be fine unless my manager hears about this.

Jessica: (grins behind the door and dials the manager) Hello? Yes. One of your cake carriers DROPPED my cake. I didn’t get a refund so I just took a cake. Oh is that illegal? Well… as I said he dropped my cake so I just got another new one. Do I need to pay the full price again? UGHH. FINE.

(Jessica hangs up and transfers the money, she goes to her table and puts the mini cake on the table, before grabbing a few candles then sticking them into the cake. She lights them, makes a wish, then blows them out.)

(Carter is currently sobbing in his truck, because he fears he will get fired and that cake was made especially for another customer, so he had no idea what to do now. He starts the truck and sadly drives back to the cake shop. He will need another cake. Maybe even get another job.)

Perfect SWC

Me and my girlies, we gon' be writing till it's early
Got me feeling very exhausted tonight
Caught in some writer’s block, but the thoughts are spinning
Drop a sentence and we'll write it, “Goodbye”

Ooh
By the morning, feel like an author
I got all I need, you know nothing else can beat
The way that I feel when I'm writing with my bros
Perfect energy, yeah, we flawless, yeah, we free
There's no better feeling in the whole wide world

Tonight
I don't care if I can’t write
I’ll finish that daily, right
I'd care at 11:59
But it doesn’t count after midnight

Come and do SWC with me
I got a google doc and some good company
So come through, get that inspiration real good
Why you still stuck on writing? SWC can change that for you

Ooh
Night to morning, writing motion
I got all I need, you know nothing else can beat
The way that I feel when I'm writing with my bros
Perfect energy, yeah, we flawless, yeah, we free
There's no better feeling in the whole wide world

Tonight
I don't care if I can’t write
I’ll finish that daily, right
I'd care at 11:59
But it doesn’t count after midnight

Ooh
By the morning, feel like an author
I got all I need, you know nothing else can beat
The way that I feel when I'm writing with my bros
Perfect energy, yeah, we flawless, yeah, we free
There's no better feeling in the whole wide world

Tonight
I don't care if I can’t write
I’ll finish this daily, right
I'd care at 11:59
I’ll finish this daily right


“Oh my gosh I can’t finish this till midnight.” Sakura exclaimed.

“It is okay, I’ll be writing. It doesn’t count after midnight so we have to finish this.” Yunjin comforted her friend, scooting next to her with a piece of paper and a pencil.

The two finished their work before midnight, and ran to the main cabin to submit it.

“PLEASE WE FINISHED.” Sakura stated. Yes, was it 11:57? Still time to submit.

The camp counselor yawned, “Ok, go to sleep.”

The two girls indeed did not sleep and stayed up all morning writing, “I feel like an author.” Yunjin said.

“Because you are, we just need to publish our work one day.”

“Hold up,” Yunjin held up her hand. “Aren't there any cabin wars today?”

Sakura’s eyes widened and she gasped as she checked the schedule. “Yes, I don’t think I can do this. I’m too tired.”

“If we stayed up all night writing, then we can stay up for this. Let’s help horror win!” Yunjin stood up, triumphantly. She ran over and grabbed more paper and pencils, and the girls conjured up more writing. They fell asleep a little before midday, they were truly exhausted. Another camper from their cabin saw their work and submitted it for them, so it would count. The duo woke up later, around dinner. They walked to dinner and got served their food. “Horror has so many points, they have great teamwork.” they heard someone from the adventure cabin whisper. The girls grinned at each other knowing it was their sudden urge to complete all the assignments, and cabin wars. Of course, everyone helped as well but no one has put their whole soul and sleep into it. Sakura and Yunjin happily ate their dinner consisting of mac and cheese and vegetables. The horror cabin walked together.

“We should all tell scary stories!” Cree exclaimed, she was a big fan of scary stories. Anything to give her shivers before bed.

“Don’t you get nightmares?” Sakura asked.

“Yes, but uh besides the point, let’s tell spooky stories!”

The whole group sat in a circle, the speaker having a flashlight. Yunjin shined the flashlight underneath her head to create darker shadows on her face.


“On a cold.. Dark… stormy night-” Yunjin said before Cree interrupted her. “That’s the most basic start to a horror story I’ve ever heard.” “Well, it won’t be basic.” Yunjin retorted. “As I was saying; on the cold, dark, and stormy night. There was a writing camp.. Just like this one. BUT. No one did the dailies or the weeklies.”

Someone gasped dramatically, and honestly this was one of everyone's SWC fears. Because SWC is about teamwork, not solo projects, and it’s important if you sign up, to actually do your tasks. It is important to prioritize your life outside of SWC too though. Sleep is very important, do not be like Sakura and Yunjin.

“Not going to lie, that was a bit spooky.” Cree said.

“See I told you.” Yunjin answered and passed the flashlight to Jessica.

“On a warm, sunny day, I ordered a cake. It was a professional cake carrying company so what could go wrong? He carried the grande cake I paid $100 for, and DROPPED IT WITHOUT GIVING ME A REFUND.”

“Oh no girl I would have called the manager.” Yunjin said.

“I did.. But then I had to pay for the other cake I “stole”.” There was a silence, they couldn’t really defend Jessica there. You do not solve a wrong with another wrong. The group continued sharing stories, not necessarily scary stories and had a fun time. The went to bed a little after midnight, gaining new ideas for their writing.

They woke up bright and early, completing the daily so they could have the rest of the day to themselves. Fishing, swimming, and picking berries in the fields. It was one of the best camp sessions, and guess what? Horror won SWC! Hard work and teamwork always pays off.

daily!

what would you get if you added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?
what do you get if you add lily and regret?
what happens if you have lily… and a grave?
draught of living death.
a sleeping potion
sleep’s not easy during wartime.

her parents never much approved of what she called “modern muggle music.” i was one of only two slytherins who thought it any good.
everyone in gryffindor seems to love it, but then, gryffindors are just like that.
gryffindors are a strange bunch. they’re rowdy. and careless. i’m glad i’m not one of them.
but i’m glad lily is

what would you get if you added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?
what do you get if you add lily and regret?
what happens if you have lily… and a grave?
draught of living death.
a sleeping potion
sleep’s not easy during wartime.

i don’t really care for the values of either side of this endless war. i just want the best chance of making this out alive and without going to azkaban. and when the options are a side the ministry denies is a threat and a side that intentionally hides from the ministry to avoid being called a threat, i don’t see a choice but to join the first option.
lily disagrees with me. she won’t talk to me anymore

what would you get if you added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?
what do you get if you add lily and regret?
what happens if you have lily… and a grave?
draught of living death.
a sleeping potion
sleep’s not easy during wartime.

in the past, things were different. we were so much more adventurous than muggles. lily has shown me things she grew up with, like ballpoint pens, telephones, radios, light switches. sometimes it makes me wonder if maybe the muggles aren’t as inferior as we’re told to believe they are. maybe one day they’ll have such incredible technologies that far surpass what we can do with our magic. maybe when the inevitable war between magic and science occurs again, we’ll be on the losing side

what would you get if you added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?
what do you get if you add lily and regret?
what happens if you have lily… and a grave?
draught of living death.
a sleeping potion
sleep’s not easy during wartime.

she’s gone now. dead. they all are, except the boy. it’s a strange feeling. everyone i tormented in school, everyone who tormented me. and lily. my first friend and only
love. all dead. all killed. often by people i’ve known for years. why couldn’t lily have survived? macdonald survived. lupin survives. they’re the only gryffindors in my year who aren’t dead or worse than dead. why couldn’t it have been lily instead of one of them? she deserves to live more than they do, right?
if she hadn’t had that kid with potter, this wouldn’t have happened. if the dark lord had chosen to go after that longbottom baby, this wouldn’t have happened. if lily was a slytherin, this wouldn’t have happened.

what would you get if you added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?
what do you get if you add lily and regret?
what happens if you have lily… and a grave?
draught of living death.
a sleeping potion
sleep’s not easy during wartime.

Finn's weekly thread

weekly 1 total wc 2396

Part 1
The song I got was afterglow

Nova is a 30 year old woman with narrow blue eyes that hold stormy seas within them and a gentle curving smile that you would never know could curse at you like a sailor. Oh but there is a ferocity in this woman, harsh as the arctic waves battering the rocky shore. It is her needs, her wants that come before all others and should you suggest otherwise? Well she has a way of manipulating you and making you feel guilty. A deep fear of abandonment has followed her ever since her dad died when she was a kid and her mom spent most days who knew where, so Nova was raised by her grandma who watched questionable shows and smoked way too much. Nova craves relationships and tries to always have a boyfriend or girlfriend because she can’t stand to be alone, but Nova does not know that she is aromantic. So in trying to have romantic relationships she begins to resent the people that she dates. But she feeds them lies and promises that she will do better because she doesn’t want to be abandoned again. She uses them and yet somehow she convinces herself that she doesn’t. “It’s just a little hole in our relationship, we can patch it up.” “You’re not suggesting we patch it up. You want us to just hide it!” “Why do you always do this to me? Why are you always yelling?” “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to yell.” “So should I treat you the way you treat me when I make a mistake or do something I don’t mean to?” “Nova, don’t-” “Nope, I get it, it’s fine when you do it but not when I do it. Maybe you should date someone else.” “At this point maybe I should.” “No please, don’t leave me. I’ll die if you leave me Valerie. I’m sorry Valerie I’ll be better this time I won’t overreact so much. Please, let me take you out. I’ll show you. I’ll be better.”


336 words



Part 2



Name: Nova Elliana Priest
Age: 30 years old
Gender: (Cis) woman
Ethnicity:
Occupation: Nova worked at a small retail store as a cashier recently, but due to paranoid behaviors, she ended up getting fired and now she’s dependent on her girlfriend Valerie to support her. She keeps promising Valerie she’ll get another job, but she always seems to have some excuse as to why she isn’t getting one.


Education: Nova dropped out of high school in the middle of her junior year.
Other notes:
Eye color: Nova has blue eyes with flecks of dark blue and gray that looks almost black
Skin color: Nova has light skin that often has a lot of concealer and bronzer among other makeup.
Height: Average height.
Body type: Nova has a plump body with round soft features and skin that sags a tiny bit in some places.
Disabilities: Looking at the way she acts, she might very well have some mental illnesses, but I don’t really know what those are. She’s based loosely off a few people that I know since that’s what the song made me think of.
Accessories: Nova loves big chunky jewelry even if it’s obviously fake she has a necklace of big blue stones that are polished and flashy metallic earrings shaped like feathers that dangle down past her chin.
Cleanliness/Grooming: She is always super clean and well groomed. She’s very insistent about that.
Self-esteem: Nova has a very fragile self esteem, so while she likes the world to be all about her, she only really believes she has any worth, if other people are constantly validating her.
Phobias/Fears: Being abandoned, being hated, crowds, rabies.
Obsessed with: being the center of attention, keeping people under her thumb, making sure nobody can ever forget she had a bad childhood so she can lord it over their heads, figuring out what all it is she missed in her childhood and trying to do anything she can to get those times back. This doesn’t always work out and she often uses cruel and manipulative tactics to get her way.
Bad habits: see part 1 of the weekly, mate
Favorite sayings: “You would do it if you loved me.” “No it’s fine just tell me you hate me and how I ruined your life. It won’t surprise me.” “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.” “You can’t leave me. I’ll die without you.”
Internal conflicts: No matter how picture perfect she tries to get her life to be on the surface, it’s only ever led to more pain. And she doesn’t know if the problem is in the people, or maybe it’s in the way she’s going about these relationships, but either way, no matter what she does she still has a hollow feeling within her and she tends to blame it on others.
Goals: In all honesty, she doesn’t quite know what she wants, but she wants the life she thinks was stolen from her.
Epiphanies: no idea but she’ll surely need one


462 words

Part 3




Situation 1

Nova is visiting her mother because it’s her stepbrother’s 12th birthday.

The baby blue house wasn’t the one that Nova had grown up in, though many of the decorations her mother kept were still the same. That being said, Nova didn’t really feel any sense of nostalgia when she looked at them. Her mother’s husband waved at her from the porch. “Nova, come on in, Kevin can’t wait to see you.”
Her mom had once asked her to call Will stepdad, but Nova had laughed in her face. Not only was it a joke to call someone only a few years older than her that, but seeing as this was her mother’s fourth husband and Nova didn’t even live with them, her mom was lucky she even knew his name. Kevin sat in the living room playing a video game that Nova didn’t recognize. He mumbled hello, when prompted by his father but didn’t take his eyes off the game. “Sweetie, come on, time to get off,” Nova’s mother said, voice warbly with age as she took the controllers from her stepson’s hands. God, it still didn’t make sense to Nova. Her mother was old enough to be this kid’s grandmother. In a way it reminded Nova of the stereotype of people being horrible to their children then doting on their grandchildren. Kevin was obviously not her grandson, but the rest of it was true more or less. “So, it’s Kevin’s 12th birthday huh? Tell me, mom, are you gonna celebrate it by disappearing for three days or is that only for your biological kids?” the words were out before Nova even knew what she was saying, but when they were she didn’t apologize, she had no reason to.

278 words

Situation 2: Nova goes to her mom’s fifth wedding.

Standing at the very first pew next to her stepbrother, Kevin, who was too young and shy to be in the wedding, Nova, along with everyone else in the church, turned to look down the aisle toward the door as the bridesmaids came in with the groomsmen. There of course was her aunt Gladys. She’d been a bridesmaid in all of these weddings and the matron of honor in two of them. Nova kept her expression neutral, there was no need for Gladys to see her resentment, nor for Gladys’s children, Lizzie and Chase who were next behind her to see it either. Oh but she did. It seemed like every holiday as a child had been her learning all the things they had that she never had. The lighting in the church made all to clear Gladys’s poor attempts to make herself appear younger and neither she nor her children were wearing outfits that flattered them. In fact, looking around, Nova knew she was clearly the best dressed. Though she supposed with the practice of five weddings, her mother would probably have a great dress picked out.
188 words

Situation 3: Nova and Valerie find out that their cat ran away.

The burning feeling of coffee sipped too quickly on her tongue, Nova opened the fridge to get out the food for her cat Tigger. She had remembered to wear pants today instead of shorts because the young kitten loved to try and climb her leg and always left scratches. It was easy to get annoyed with him for constantly hurting her, but then again it was also easy to forgive him when he curled up on her lap at the end of the day, purring like an engine. She opened the food, knowing the smell would soon make him come bounding over, but she heard no mews or scrambling of paws. “Tigger! Tigger come on dinner time!” still he didn’t come. She picked up the can of meat and carried it around the house looking for him. The door to the bathroom opened, letting out a surge of warmth and Valerie walked out in her bathrobe, hair wrapped up in a towel.
“Nova what’s going on?”
“I can’t find Tigger,” Nova wailed. “You have to help me find him.”
Valerie sighed. “Have you tried checking behind the couch where he was yesterday, or in the ceiling like he was on Tuesday?”
Nova glared at her. “Don’t treat me like I’m an idiot Valerie, of course I checked those places.”
“Alright, let me get dressed and we’ll keep looking.”
“I bet he ran off, as if all I do for him wasn’t enough. He hates me, he must hate me.”
“We’ll find him, we always do.”
“Do you even care?” Nova sniffled. “I bet you want to leave me too.”

269 words


Part 4
(just a note, I was a bit creative with her insults to make it scratch friendly, but to really get a better sense of this character, imagine her swearing a ton



The burning feeling of coffee sipped too quickly on her tongue, Nova opened the fridge to get out the food for her cat Tigger. She had remembered to wear pants today instead of shorts because the young kitten loved to try and climb her leg and always left scratches. It was easy to get annoyed with him for constantly hurting her, but then again it was also easy to forgive him when he curled up on her lap at the end of the day, purring like an engine. She opened the food, knowing the smell would soon make him come bounding over, but she heard no mews or scrambling of paws. “Tigger! Tigger come on dinner time!” still he didn’t come. She picked up the can of meat and carried it around the house looking for him. The door to the bathroom opened, letting out a surge of warmth and Valerie walked out in her bathrobe, hair wrapped up in a towel.
“Nova what’s going on?” Valerie asked, and Nova could tell she was getting impatient with her, though she tried to pretend she was concerned, Nova could easily hear the lie in her voice.
“I can’t find Tigger,” Nova wailed. “You have to help me find him.”
Valerie sighed. “Have you tried checking behind the couch where he was yesterday, or in the ceiling like he was on Tuesday?”
Nova glared at her. “Don’t treat me like I’m an idiot Valerie, of course I checked those places.”
“Alright, let me get dressed and we’ll keep looking.”
“I bet he ran off, as if all I do for him wasn’t enough. He hates me, he must hate me.”
“We’ll find him, we always do.”
“Do you even care?” Nova sniffled. “I bet you want to leave me too.”
“I let you move in with me, I take care of you, what about anything I’ve done suggests that I want to leave you?” Valerie asked, walking into the bedroom and looking in her closet for clothes to wear.
Nova set the can down on their dresser and wrapped her arms around Valerie’s waist. “Promise me you won’t leave me?”
“You know I won’t.”
“Because I’ll die if you do.”
“Nova..I’ve told you I don’t like it when you talk like this…” Valerie pushed Nova’s arms off of her and Nova felt like she’d been punched.
“Yeah I get it, you love me but only if I act exactly how you want, yes your majesty, whatever you say. I’ll do whatever you want, bow and kiss your feet-”
Nova’s words were cut off when Valerie suddenly punched the wall. “Shut up!”
Startled, Nova began to cry. “Don’t yell at me.”
It was a few minutes before Valerie spoke again. “Let’s go find Tigger.”
Nova kept her fingers closed tight around Valerie’s when they went outside to look for Tigger, fearing that if she let go she would get sucked down into the whirlpool of the city crowds. All of these people here probably hated her and wanted to hurt her. But Valerie insisted they ask if any of these people had seen their cat. Nova wanted to pull Valerie away and tell them there was no way these lying, two-faced strangers would tell them if they’d seen their cat, but of course Valerie would never listen. “Great, now they know he’s missing. I bet they’ll hurt him just to hurt me,” she snapped when they turned onto another street calling for Tigger. Valerie stopped abruptly and yanked her hand free. “Excuse me.”
“You heard what I said, you hag-faced daughter of Satan's dog. You know the people around here are no good!”
“As if you’d know, you never leave my house.”
“You know it would if it didn’t scare me so much.”
“You think I’m not scared that Tigger might be hurt? We have to ask these people for help.”
Nova just let out a bitter laugh. “Don’t suddenly act like you’re worried about Tigger.”
“Oh for god’s sake don’t try to tell me how to act.”
“I’m just so sick of you always lying to me. You probably let Tigger out. You want him gone just like you want me gone,” she cried, tears starting to run down her face.
Anger was filling Valerie’s face more and more with each passing second and her response was as sudden as gunfire. “Right now you leaving is probably the best idea you’ve ever had.”
Nova shoved her. “Don’t even joke about that, you know you need me.”
Valerie got up, brushing gravel off her pants. “Just go get out of my face. We’ll look for Tigger in separate directions.”
Nova just stared, waiting for Valerie to apologize and say she hadn’t meant it, but Valerie really did look like she was waiting for her to go. So, finally Nova started to walk away, knowing in a few moments Valerie would call her back and apologize. But fifteen minutes later, while Nova was still looking for Tigger, she realized that Valerie never had. Suddenly the people around her began to feel like a kaleidoscopic whirlpool once more, and Nova broke down crying. Everyone always left her.

863 words

☾ a fever dream high
615 words

in a little town nestled in a picturesque range of mountains, there lived a young girl named taylor. she had long chocolate-brown hair and warm hazelnut eyes, and she was the kind of girl who would give away her halloween candy to strangers out of the kindness of her heart. “oh, taylor, what a sweetheart you are!” her teachers would say. “taylor! how kind of you!” beamed her parents.

taylor loved her parents, her teachers, and all of her friends. but there was one thing that she loved more. the guitar. she could spend hours and hours writing her own songs and performing them, and as her brother, austin, said, she had a natural talent for songwriting. there was only one thing stopping her from pursuing her dream of becoming a songwriter: her parents.

after taylor had written her very first song and performed it, her mother’s face looked like she had just witnessed a murder, and her father’s wasn’t any better. after that, they took away her little toy guitar and forbid her from composing any piece of music or singing. why? taylor never understood why. but that didn’t stop her from doing what she loved.

at lunchtime, when her parents weren’t watching, she would use her oysters as a makeshift piano and play out notes. at school, she would spend as much time in the music room as possible, experimenting with different instruments and how they would sound together. but the day taylor turned sixteen, everything changed.

“come on, taylor! we’re goin’ home!” her father grinned one morning, sipping his usual mug of black coffee.

confusion was written all over his daughter’s face as she responded, “what do you mean? we literally are home.”

austin whistled with glee as he hopped into the trailer. “c’mon, tay tay tay! quit asking questions and get over here!”

taylor rolled her eyes as she strolled over to the car. “boys.”

“los angeles, baby! here we come!” said her brother to the sound of the engine whirring and the familiar thunk of the trailer as they pulled out of the driveway.

she smiled as she felt the wind rushing through her hair, pushing her head out of the car window. suddenly, a few familiar notes popped into her head.

quietly, taylor whispered to herself, “fever dream high in the quiet of the night, you know that i caught it,”

austin smiled back at his younger sister as he continued the phrase. “bad bad boy, shiny toy with a price, you know that i bought it.”

“you guys are killing me slowly here at the window.” groaned the siblings’ father. “i almost ran over a turtle waiting to cross the road below! the devils are really rolling their dice today, eh?”

“and i suppose the angels are rolling their eyes.” said her brother, chuckling.

just like that, everything suddenly fell into place. all of the words, all of the notes, everything, had appeared in her mind in a matter of seconds.

taylor’s heart ached to sing. she knew this was one of the best songs she had ever written, even if it had been without a single instrument. yet her parents’ actions pulled her back from her longing. would her father still accept her for what she was if she sang to him?

somehow, even with those thoughts, her heart still throbbed. she knew it, deep in her soul, that she had to face her father’s - whether it be wrath or pride - and show him what she could do. after all, songs were meant to be sung.

songs are meant to be sung.

songs are meant to be sung.

taylor took a deep breath and started to sing.

p.s. the title is a working name haha

I still have my friendship bracelet. Yours too, although I changed the pieces you broke.

i feel like the word “changed” doesn't get it across that well. i'd use “replaced” or something of the sort. buuuut i'm a nitpick so feel free to ignore this suggestion.

I don't want our relationship to end, to break just like your friendship bracelet

the sentence structure is a bit awkward. maybe, instead of “to end, to break”, put a dash between it, like “to end- to break”. also, you forgot the period at the end.

Singing Taylor Swift, making the bracelets

A rainy night

The day in the park

i don't know if these are chapter titles or something else, but if they are, maybe make them less direct, if ykwim? they don't work that well as titles. or if they're just headers that you're using for yourself. but either way, maybe make them big text or smth to signify it, because it looks kinda weird just being normal text, even if they're unitaliced among the rest. this isn't that revelant to the writing though so don't worry too much about it.

We never, ever would have imagined that this would be happening.

i think this is a “we are never ever getting back together” reference and i love that song asdfsljksd but i find the phrasing a little awkward, but if you want to keep it for the ref it's okay. i would do something like “we would've never imagined that this would be happening” but it's entirely up to you

'I'm here' said your actions.

you forgot a comma after “here”. also, i feel like active voice would be better than passive voice for this. it's not that important though.

There, I felt at home, among the snow, and I let my anger at accepting it dissipate, moving away from my thoughts a little, and letting myself be.

i'm not sure what you mean by “I let my anger at accepting it dissipate”. maybe change the phrase for clarity? also, this sentence is a bit long. maybe break it up into two.

'Go away' I snapped.

you forgot a comma


also, i realized that all of the above suggestions were about things in the letter. and since alia wrote the letter, maybe they were intended? or something idk but yeah sorry lol

That's all I want to tell you.

I don't care how dependent I sound anymore, it doesn't matter anymore. All that matters is whether Sophie decides to come to the bridge tonight, to stop me… or not.

I don't deserve her forgiveness. I do not do it.

So I simply wrote him a short letter. Not like this.

Telling her that I'm going to run away tomorrow, that I'm going to cross the bridge and not come back, but that she can try to stop me.

I will write to you soon.

i'm not sure what this is talking about. there was no mention about a bridge in the rest of the story. or was this talking about the bridge in the story? or maybe she was going to go to a bridge but sophie called her so she wasn't going to do it anymore?
also you wrote “I simply wrote him a short letter”. if you were talking about sophie, you used wrong pronouns lol. also, right after that, what “not like this” mean?

‘Sophie…’ I wanted to throw the phone away, but somehow it was stuck to my hand. Maybe it was the sticky summer sweat. I swallowed. ‘It’s been a long time'

But, deep down, I knew that it was Sophie who had me anchored, like before.

'Yes, haha' she laughed, with that nervous laugh she used when she wanted to say much more.

'Sophie…' That word. Again.

'I'm so sorry, Alia,' she said, out of nowhere. But those words shouldn't have come out of her mouth.

'I am so sorry'

'See you in the park,' she stated, as if we had already arranged it before.

'See you in the park' I nodded.

'You're using it' was the only thing I could say.

'Yeah. You too,' she pointed to my friendship bracelet.

'Mhm'

We stayed silent for a few seconds, looking at each other.

'I'm so sorry,' I said, looking at the floor.

'No' Sophie had stood up, one hand over mine. ‘I am so sorry. I didn’t go to stop you. I left it to you. I abandoned you, Alia, at a difficult time. That's not what a friend does.

'I abandoned you. Crossed the bridge, away from our old town. I yelled at you. You weren't my friend anymore, you didn't have to do anything. I didn't deserve you to do anything'

'Alia, why did you do it? Why did you throw away your bracelet? Why did you yell at me, and then send me a letter asking for forgiveness?'

'Sophie…'

'You owe me'

'I yelled at you' my tears were thick, firm like Sophie's arms.

'People change, Alia. You were young. Wanting to be home is not a weakness, Alia. Loving someone is not weakness. Weakness is running away and not facing your problems. But you told me everything… you're not that person anymore, Alia. Your mother misses you, she's very sorry… I don't recommend you return home, she will punish you for a whole year' that nervous laugh again.

'But now I'm of age, she can't' I laughed that way too.

But there were still many things we wanted to tell each other.

'I'm sorry…'

'I forgive you, Alia. I forgive you.'

'Me too'

you forgot the punctuation at the end of the dialogue for a bunch of these.

>> That day in the park… I yelled at you, because I was frustrated. For being weak. I hated our friendship because it made me feel like that, at home.

what are the >>>s lol

'No…' I tried to move away from her embrace, but Sophie's arms were firm. ‘I do not deserve it’

i think it's more likely for her to say “I don't deserve it” instead of “do not” lol. also no punctuation at the end of the dialogue again asdfkljfasd.


also, i was wondering if there was a reason you used ‘ and ’ for dialogue instead of “ and ”? it doesn't really matter but i was just curious lol.


andddd that was all! i'm so sorry if i was too nitpicky or if this wasn't the kind of critique you were looking for asdkljfdsfsadkl. and i'd like to reinstate that i loved thisss it was so atmospheric and interesting to readddd

Daily for November 10
628 words

Maxine laid in bed, her wide, green eyes open- although there were huge bags under them from staying up late to finish her book. She sighed to herself. Why did she do this? Maxine knew she was supposed to be in bed by 9:45, and she was going to get in trouble for it sooner or later. Regardless, it all seemed worth it when she knew she wouldn't have to go to bed on a cliffhanger.

She got up slowly, stretching her arms as wide as they would go. Maxine trudged herself over to her desk and crossed off the previous day on her calendar. It was now February 1st, 1864. Only 4 months and 8 days until she turned 18, and she'd be able to leave this huge, empty country home for someplace new. She was excited to finally get out of England and explore the world, although that was exactly the opposite of what her mother wanted. She wanted her to stay in Britain, marry even richer than they currently were, and live a calm life with children and lots of family. The exact way her life had turned out.

Once she had gotten dressed, Maxine opened her door, surprised when she almost tripped over something that wasn't her dress. Curious, she looked down. A black mamba (the flower, not the snake) was at her feet. Maxine carefully bent down and picked it up, and then stepped aside to see if anything else was there. Nothing.

Before she could do anything further, her mother called from downstairs. “Maxine! Breakfast!”

“I'm gonna eat all your food if you don't come!” Her brother, Lucas, yelled. Maxine heard her mother giving him a faint scolding and chuckled quietly to herself. She threw the rose through the open door and onto her bed, then pulled up her skirt as she hurried down the stairs.

“I'm here, Mother,” Maxine said as she took the final step down and sat at the dining table.

“Here you go, dear,” her mother said, placing a plate of eggs and bacon in front of her. Maxine poured herself a glass of orange juice and started eat. After a couple delicious bites, she decided to ask her mother something.

“Mother, do you know what black mambas represent?”

“The flower or the snake, darling?” her mother replied, giving a dainty laugh at her joke.

“The flower, Mum.”

“Well, I'm not an expert, but black mambas are said to represent rebirth and transformation. Why? Have you perhaps found some? This isn't about you wanting to leave England, is it?”

“No, I just read about them in my book,” Maxine replied quickly. Yet, she couldn't help wondering if her mother was right. Had she found the flower as a sign to leave, to start a new life? Or had it simply been a coincidence, and the flower fell from a bouquet someone was carrying through the hall? It wouldn't be the first time Maxine's mother had wanted to completely redo the house, even if it wasn't for one of her house parties.

“Okay, darling. Well, you better go and get dressed for Sunday lunch. You too, Lucas.”

“Yes, Mum.”

Their mother smiled as the two siblings walked up the stairs. The flower still hadn't left Maxine's mind. What was she supposed to do with it? What did it signify?

At the end of the day, after Sunday lunch and all the other things they had to take care of, Maxine decided to sleep instead of staying up until midnight reading. She glanced at her calendar. The black mamba was lying right below it on her desk. Not wanting to worry about it any longer, Maxine set her mind on figuring it out in 4 months and 7 days.

November 10th Daily
571 words

We buried him in a field of poppies.

I stood alone, watching their red blooms sway.
They were little things, growing despite rock and rain. Despite death and pain.
Shooting up through the cracks of the earth, blanketing the field even now, turning their heads toward the sun.

And then it struck me, as we laid him down, that that was the first time I truly felt what this loss was.
I couldn't hold his mother's hand as I buried our son, consoling myself by consoling her.
Time had torn them away from me, ticking on and bringing war.
And I realized that of all the sacrifices I thought I’d already made were not the end, but just the beginning.
Time still ticked on, and the poppies still grew.

I watched his children cry around his grave, and I knew I would stand at their graves, too. And at their descendants' graves and those after that and those after that. Lifetimes upon lifetimes of loss in a single lifetime.
So I sighed as I knelt at my son’s resting side and whispered, “May you rest in peace,”.
At least one of us could.


I stopped thinking of him after a while.
I couldn’t remember how many years had passed.
My only constants were violence and cruelty. I was cursed, it seemed, cursed to live a thousand wars, each at the hands of a human more brutal and greedy than the last.
It was remarkable how much the act of war could change while its nature remained the same.
So was death really a curse or a blessing?
An end or an escape?
Final or freeing?

It didn’t even matter because I just couldn’t seem to die.

Once, I found myself resting after a particularly exhausting battle. I couldn’t even recall what we were fighting for anymore, just caught in the grind, fueled by protect protect protect. A healer gave me tea made from poppies. She told me it’d “help fix me from the inside” though, she joked, “it couldn’t do much about my face!”
All the poppies did was help me remember.
And I wept as the sweet floral flavor lulled me to sleep, tears for all that was lost.


Years passed, too many to count.


I buried my kindred in a field of poppies.

This war was different.
Started over something so simple, so senseless.

Every grave I dug marked another life that never should have been lost.

The poppies swayed with new meaning, new purpose. They returned every year, fresh buds in the morning sunlight that still continued to shine.

I dug with a renewed urgency, tearing up the poppies grave by grave.
These were my kindred, not my descendants but those just as close, each life taken by gunshots and mines, tanks and trenches, cold and illness.
Each thunk of my shovel sounded like a heartbeat.
I threw it down and it stilled.

I couldn’t do it anymore.

But the sun still shone and the poppies still grew and time ticked on, and I remembered.
I remembered it all.


I wanted to rest in a field of poppies.

Lay down amongst the flowers and the soil, the weeds and the dirt, finally giving my tired body a break from the constant fighting.
Finally turn my curse into a blessing.
Finally escape and be free.

And the poppies would keep growing, just as they have, long after I’m gone.

(I worked with @dolphin786.)

Aw, what a lovely poem! /gen I think what stood out to me the most was that it managed to be so simple, yet so beautiful. It didn’t need fancy words or a complicated syllable pattern or rhyme scheme. It highlighted the wonder and beauty in the simple things: a seed growing, the season changing, and the endurance of hope. The repetition used throughout the poem helped emphasize this and also provided a sense of the passage of time, such as the similarities, yet also contrasts between “As the leaves were dropping, / The sun was rising, / The pie was baking, / And she planted the seeds” and “As the wind blows / The cat snoozes / The pie blackens, / She stands tall.” The visuals of all the little details and actions happening in the world around the main character built up to create a very nice image of the overall setting. The main character herself is only revealed through her connection to the plant she grew, and most of the insight into her background and motivation for caring for the plant is only given at the end, in the passage “If she hadn't… / The darkness, / The helplessness, the fear / It would all come back. // So she planted- / Seeds of hope- each one a hope for something better- / Year after year, / Her garden grew bigger.” Even then, the details of the character’s past that led to this mindset are not directly stated, only referred to. The only thing focused on is the present and the hope for the future, which is, of course, the central theme of the poem. All in all, the only major criticism I have is that some of the verses seemed a little redundant and could have been more concise. You don’t need to restate how joyful the plant’s growth made the main character feel unless something has changed. Other than that, there was just one minor issue I saw, and that’s that “wither” was misspelled as “whither.” Altogether, a very nice poem, and one that is a much-needed reminder of how we should be thankful for the beauty of nature and life, and to always have hope. <3

11/11 Daily
688 words
It has been a very, very long day.
Charlie climbs onto the beautiful steed, sweating. He is grubby and dirty, and his hair is a mess - quite unlike his typical demeanour of immaculate appearance. He has done his best to hide the scars and wounds of the war, but it’s not enough. Mother will be waiting for him in her stunning dress, expecting her handsome boy to return, but he only looks like a dishevelled shell of his former self.
He feels like it too.
The invasion was a failure. Months of grime and fighting at Gallipoli, seeing his friends fall, and it was all for nothing. He is lucky to escape alive, he knows, but he doesn’t feel anything except for bone-penetrating sadness. The images have cursed his mind forever.
The familiar sights start to welcome his eyes. The pretty rows of apple trees line the streets. He remembers when he was a little boy, swinging on branches and feasting on the sweet fruits. He had nothing to worry about then but a little bruise from falling.
Nothing feels the same to him.
People cheer when they see that man who has fought for their country - his badge says it all - but it gives him no pleasure. My friends should be here, riding beside me; they deserve this much more than I do. It was a pure act of cowardice when he ran from the enemy ambushing his trench. Dirt smashed into his face and gunshots filled the air. He didn’t stay and fight, like his fellow brave boys. He scrambled away like a scared rabbit. *, I curse that moment forever.
Charlie had been proud when he had been selected to fight for his country, Australia. He would do them proud! He would fight for honour and glory! He would fight for the world that his future children would live in! How short-sighted he had been. The horrors of the battle would never leave him.
Eventually his horse trots up into a lovely garden. The hedges have blooming roses and have been neatly trimmed, a fountain cascades into a small pool, and birds sing. He is filled with nostalgia.
“Mother,” he calls, trying to keep calm. A woman rushes out from the thick double-doors.
“My son!” she shouts joyfully, tripping over her dress. Charlie has no time to react before she sweeps him up into one, big bear-hug. He is overcome with emotion and before he knows it, he’s sobbing into her shoulder. She does not care how much he is ruining her dress. “I’m so, so proud of you.”
He swallows his doubts and fears, and he looks into Mother’s eyes. Where he is expecting disgust and contempt, he sees admiration and pride. “Thank you for your letters,” he says, voice slightly muffled.
She pulls out an embroidered handkerchief and dabs his eyes. “You’re safe now,” she reminds him, mistaking his shaking leg for fear. “That dratted war will never come to Australia.”
She mimics an Australian salute and Charlie can’t help but laugh. “Mother, shall we go to Elizabeth’s bakery?”
Mother squawks happily. “Yes!”
After he ties his horse to a pole and gives it a few encouraging pats, they walk to the bakery. In those terrible months he has craved the golden-baked bread and sweets that the wondrous place produces. When they get there, a large line spirals out of the entrance. He prepares for the long wait but every single person waves them through to the front, each face full of respect.
Even Elizabeth gives them a whole tray of beautifully-decorated bread for free. She spends a minute marvelling over how much stronger and tougher he looks, then another insisting that she gives it to them for free. She waves them off with a “thank you for your service!”
The horrors that he has witnessed slowly start to trickle into distant memories. He vows to himself not to let them rule his future. He thinks as he eats a scone in the peace and quiet of the garden. He must remember them, honour them - but he must not let them control them.

crit for summer !

A faint scent of coffee mingled with the smell of new books met Hazel as she entered the bookshop. The tingling bells above the door brought back so many memories. Just a few minutes, to escape the cold, she told herself. Deep in her mind, she knew it would truly be cruel to be so close and never visit. Cruel, despite the past.

great establishment of both setting and the character’s relationship with it. it’s clearly cozy, but the character’s inner conflict about visiting adds another layer to draw the reader in. because the weather factors in later, a few more words about it here could be suggested, though they aren’t completely necessary.

She strolled the aisles of the comfortable store, searching for the things she knew. The one cracked floorboard. The spot where she'd once banged her head on the wall. The shelf where her sister Mina had once drawn a cat. It was faint, but still there. Hazel smiled. Mother never bothered to replace old furniture.
It's as if I never left.
Suddenly, she heard footsteps coming down the stairs. “I'll be with you in a moment!” called a voice all too familiar, and Hazel froze. This was a bad idea. Leave, and never come back.
There was a gasp, and crashing glass. Hazel pivoted. There stood her mother, face lined and careworn. Spilt tea now stained her apron. The two faced each other. One broken, one proud. Both less whole than they had yet realized. Quiet filled the room, the only sound the relentless falling of autumn rain.

i love the setting details you included. not only are they great images, but they also further emphasize the character’s connection to the setting; only someone familiar with a place could notice such small imperfections and have stories to go with them. there is a fair bit of action happening here, so i would suggest splitting it into a few paragraphs (as demonstrated above—that many paragraphs isn’t necessary, but at least two would more clearly delineate the description from the action). the final image of the two standing across from each other, saying nothing, is very strong—you can feel the distance between them, even if you don’t know why it is there.

Dear Diary,

When I was young, I thought books were guards for the world's deepest truths. I never realized what deception lay below the surface of everything, even in the ones I thought I knew best. As spring's bright innocence gave way to summer, so I lost my view of the world. I became a wanderer, searching cynically for a way to face this world on my own. Eventually, I came to the end of myself, the last of my resources. Summer's leaves began to fall, and I lost my vigor. Though I won't try to pretend to have had any clarity of vision, I did realize one thing then. I couldn't continue like this. And so as autumn's winds began to blow, they guided me back to the one place to which I thought I'd never return.

Home.

That day I found myself facing the past, searching for the one thing holding me back from the future.

i love the use of seasonal symbolism here! it reminds me somewhat of parts of hadestown. it works well as a representation of the cyclical nature of emotions and relationships. more background on why she left in the first place could be integrated well here, perhaps relating the reasons fading to the way ice melts away or storms wear out?

“Mother.” came Hazel's choked cry. “It was me.”

i’m slightly lost here—what was her?

That was the day that my world folded in upon itself, and through its own destruction transformed into something beautiful. The world around me seemed to hold more beauty as well. I realize now that I had only been too blind to see it. This is not the end of my story. Though fall has given way to winter, I will forever look back on the day that changed it all.

Love,

Hazel

further integration of the weather symbolism could be done here, as well as more detail about the arrival of winter.

i really enjoyed this piece, though it left me with a few questions and felt nearly but not quite resolved. i’d suggest extending the scene, so the mother can react further to her daughter’s return, so the audience can feel the beauty rather than just being told from hazel’s pen that it was there. the latter half is missing the great detail in description present in the first half, and though this is explained by the difference in voice between the two, the details made the setting and emotion feel real. though the seasons are beautiful, they are more vague than the specific details. on the whole, this is a really nice piece (and many of my criticisms of it are pretty reachy). thanks for letting me read and give feedback on it :D

back to main post



Marbles sat at the cherry blossom tree. It was spring and everyone was preparing for the upcoming spring festival. Marbles had wished to help, but no one wanted him to do any work with them. Shockingly, he wasn't surprised. He sighed deeply, as though some sort of negativity in him will go away. But it didn't help. After all, what made him so anxious was the upcoming Valentine's festival, the highlight of the spring festival. No one will even want to bring him out as a date. He tried with Luna, but both of them realized that they weren't meant for each other. If not Luna, his first friend, then who? Then Marbles felt it, a hard impact on the back that sent chills to his body. The shadow of that figure loomed over him, whispering something sinister in his ear, “Hello, Marbles. What are you doing here? So lonely, so sad, so isolated?” Martin taunted. The birds were no longer chirping. A dark cloud so thick loomed to block the penetrating Sun. Marbles can no longer feel the warmth of nature. “Go away. I want to be alone.” He said flatly, not even paying attention to his words. Martin giggled, “My, my. I wonder why you are feeling so down. Is it because you are worried that no one will be your Valentine? Or maybe it's because Luna broke up with you?” There it was. Martin had always knew when to strike, like lightning in the air. Strong, powerful, and threatening. That is him. Marbles shuddered, “Don't you know how to shut up?” His voice quavering. There was nothing he can do but walk away, but fear locked his legs, he was stuck paralyzed. Martin sneered, “It's so easy to intimidate you. What a scaredy cat…” With that, he finally walked away. But Marbles still had not found the key that locked his movements. Martin's motive had succeeded again. “Calm down, he just wants to make you feel bad…” Marbles said, the tears finally leaking out from his eyes. He had held them in for a while. He must not show any weaknesses. Boys are meant to be tough. But I'm not tough. Marbles thought miserably as he finally managed to break off the chains that held his legs and stood up, the fear slowly receding from him. He must be brave to overcome his weakness. Boys are meant to be tough.

Just like lightning, Martin managed to force everyone to not cooperate with Marbles or they face serious consequences. Strong, powerful, threatening. He always gets what he wants. Marbles thought angrily. If there was one way to stop Martin from bullying Marbles, it's to make sure he doesn't get what he wants. It's impossible. That thought shot out suddenly. Right, I'm weak and pathetic. No one will ever listen to me. Tears were forming, wanting to break out. No, go back. Don't come out, not now… “Marbles, you okay?” A voice interrupted his thoughts. Weren, the only person who can talk to him and doesn't make him feel awkward in conversations. “Ye-Yeah… I'm okay.” Marbles replied, not looking at Weren directly in the eye. There were still some damp feeling in his eyes. Tears are so persistent to come out, huh? But Weren is not the type to believe in whatever someone says, especially when they are not speaking with eye contact. "Marbles, you know I can tell that you are not alright?“ Marbles' eyes widened. The tears were finally gone back into his eyes. He shuddered. Marbles knew Weren would know one day, but that one day must not be now. Weren sighed, ”Look, I know you are a person with not many words, but I want to talk to you. Personally. So tonight, do you want to talk about it in our dorm?" It was an invitation, something Marbles had never received in his life. But he does not know what it is. He nodded, thoughts bouncing around his head like a rubber ball. Or a kid jumping around. Or something trying to break out.

Boys are meant to be tough. We shouldn't show our weaknesses out. Boys are meant to be tough. And here I am, weeping like a young child so very often. Boys are meant to be tough- “Marbles! Watch out! You almost bump into the door.” If Weren had not held the scruff of Marbles' collar, he was about to smack headfirst onto the door. “Ah. My mistake, I wasn't paying attention.” Marbles said, a little too formally. The moment they went in, Marbles collapsed on the bed, weeping like a child. Great. How tough I am… Weren sat down beside him, taking a deep breath. He was silent for a while, searching for the right words to comfort him. “Marbles, I knew that something was wrong. Do you think I had not seen Martin threatening you again?” He stopped to check if Marbles is listening, "Honestly speaking, boys are not exactly supposed to be tough. Not all the time. They can show weaknesses too. Do you know that?“ Marbles shook his head. It was the first time he heard this. It felt weird that it came out from a person with much endurance to weaknesses. Weren continued in a assuring voice, ”Besides, do you know that I'm very weak inside too? I was also like you. Sometimes when things are wrong or too strong for me to handle, I just let it out. It's weird, really. After letting out your emotions you feel much better. As though your tears carried all your negativity away, flowing from your eyes." Is it true? Marbles had paid attention to every single word, questioning if it was reality or a fantasy. Is that why I've never seem to get any better? It was true. Tears finally broke through the barrier of shame and guilt, carrying away grief along with it. Marbles finally smiled for the first time in ages. “Weren, thank you.” If there was one person that can make him happy, genuinely, it's him. “That reminds me…” Marbles said abruptly, inching closer to Weren. He has been planning to ask him, but he doesn't have the courage. But after his talk with Weren, his courage had returned. The Sun had finally permeated through the thick, dark cloud, radiating the room with light and heat through the window. “Weren, do you want to be my Valentine?”

1071 words

A small piece of writing I was working on for my story( 260 words )
Now it is up to my duty to continue my sister's legacy and live up to her name and also Lead to the team to victory. I called Vick( A techy genius) and informed him about the loss and told to pass it down to all the people in the Organization as I was not able to still admit that my older sister was not there with me anymore.

A few months has passed after this tragedy, Some robberies have been taking place all across the town and I'm not really sure what is causing them but I will get to the bottom of this as I am not the same Naïve and innocent girl but a fierce and formidable girl.

We went to the site where all these robberies have been taking place and I found a strand of hair inside the bank's locker. I carefully picked the hair strand with my special tool and kept it inside the package and sent in to Rose for testing.

After an hour of research, Rose came with results and said the most Shocking thing, “ That hair strand that you bought belongs to none other than Aria–your older sister; I have triple checked and it is indeed her and the hair had fallen out maybe a few hours before only”

I thought to myself, This is impossible, Aria died in my lap and how can she be still alive and that too it is revealed when she is trying to steal from the back. I was indeed in a dilemma .

I just woke up from a nightmare that caused me a challenge that I had to deal with the rest of my life. Before we dive into this drama let me introduce myself. I am Mimi( not my real name but will reveal to my lovely reader when I feel ready to do so). I am a bookworm and I love to read Sci-fi and dystopian stories. I have an older sister named Riri( You guessed it, Not her real name) so the whole deal about the drama is that I was sleeping like usual when this dream had started, first it started of nice but later it got worse. Wanna know how? so just keep on reading. So first it was like a small picnic between me and my sis- Riri. We were both eating many tasty food when a huge robotic cyborg attacked us( I know it sounds absurd but it is technically true in my dream) and then we started running around and then it caught hold of my sister and then it ate her up which was hard to watch but still had to due to obvious reason which is that I was in that dream. And you know what is the worst part? it felt real and when I woke up my jaw dropped at what I was seeing. Any guesses?? well,

Introduction
I am the knowsman, I know everything that happens in this unique vast universe. Today, I will share a mysterious, magical and interesting story. Read and know about it.
Chapter 1-Way To The Mystery
Long ago in a village named Bheempoor, there was a girl named Isabella who lived with her parents who were rich farmers.
One day, as usual, while her parents were harvesting their crops, they found an unusual box. They call Isabella and give it to her.
When Isabella opened the box, in it, she found a map which was leading to a place. She decided to investigate it so she told her parents what she had found and the decision she had made. Her parents didn’t agree at once but Isa convinced them. They told her, “Isa, be careful and take the one whom you most trust with you.” Isabella agreed and said “ I will take my best friend Sophie with me”.
She then went to Sophie’s house and knocked on the door. Sophie opened the door. They greet each other. Sophie asks “What’s the reason you came here ?” Isabella whispers to Sophie, “I have a secret to tell so come to our secret hideout this evening.” Sophie agrees.
In the evening, both of them reach their secret hideout. Sophie is very eager to know the secret. Isa shows the map to her. Sophie was very excited to see that map. Isa says “ I think, this map leads to a hidden treasure so would you like to join and help me. Sophie agrees and asks “When will we start our journey ?” Isa replies “ Tomorrow, early in the morning. Meet me here.”
When Isa checks the map in her house, she spots a riddle on it and decides to tell Sophie about it.
The next morning, they met at their secret hideout. Isa tells everything about the riddle. Sophie replied “ What is it”? Isa replied, “ The riddle is—-I am huge but my core is very small, my strength and weakness is you, reach me, you found the treasure.” Sophie says, “Isa, this is a very tricky one, I wonder what the answer might be.” Isabella replies, “Yes, indeed, I wonder if it is something magical.”

Sophie replies, “Don’t be so foolish, Isa! Magic isn’t real!” Isa says, “There is a strange feeling inside me which tells that magic is real.”

Suddenly, an old woman appears walking down the path towards the two friends. The old woman asks “What are you girls talking about?” Isa froze for a minute and replied in an uncertain way, “Uh, we are just planning for a picnic.” The old woman asks, “What is that piece of paper in your hand ?” Isa panics while Sophie replies, “Oh, that's the map to our respective homes so we don’t get lost. ”
The old woman says, “Ok girls, be careful as this forest is very dense and dangerous.”
The woman sings a song loudly while walking down the path-
“The magic starts from the land
Mysterious things will begin now
You know what to do
You’ll fade away
If you’re not strong enough
Mysterious things will begin now”.

The woman disappears.

Isa says, “I think it is something about us.” Sophie replies, “Yes, it might be a warning.” Isa agrees with Sophie.
Isa says, “No matter what happens, we will follow the map to where it leads.” Sophie agrees and says, “Though I don’t believe in magic, I think the place where the map leads might be a magical place.” Isa agreed with Sophie and said “ It would be good if we take the help of our elders. “ Sophie said “Yes, then whom can we ask for help ?” Isa replied “I guess my parents might know something about it.”
Sophie asks Isa, “Why do you think so?” Isa replies,“My parents often tell stories about a magic land.” Sophie says “We’ve found the key to the mystery!”

Can this day get any worse?? I am already really exhausted with this day and then I fall again when I bump into someone. I am so over this. Okay, let me introduce myself in a more proper way so I am Rina and this is my first of high school and I really wanted a good start but it didn't go as planned as at first I bumped into someone and I was about to say sorry when I realized that it was girl who was in her junior year and also popularly known as the school bully as she is known for being a little too mean to freshmen but kind to her peers( if you ask me, she is just another drama queen). By the way, I did say sorry but she didn't look happy but was really angry at me and yelled at me, : Watch where you're going or else I am gonna make sure that you're life in school is gonna be a living hell." I wasn't really intimated or terrified or anything of that sort but just mumbled a quick ok and sorry before busting on her( just to keep my cool)

Siri devi in the case!
Once upon a time there lived two sisters named Siri and Devi. Siri was 2 years older than Devi. Both Siri and Devi loved and were good at solving mysteries. They often used to help others in their colony to find their lost things, if any.

One fine day, They were playing in the park joyfully but they spotted a Thin, pale, weak old woman sad and was looking very tense. They went to her and asked why she was sad and she said, “ I have worked very hard for a month to earn money, today my master gave me money and I lost it. What will my son and I eat for a whole month?” Siri and Devi listened very carefully and decided to help that old woman.

They said together, “ Hello, I am Siri and this is Devi, I think we can help you find your money but first you have to answer my question.” The old woman said, “ Sure dears, Please, you're welcome to ask any question regarding this.”

Siri and Devi started their investigation. Siri asked, " Where did you last keep it?” The old woman said, “ I kept it somewhere near the wall.” Devi asked, “ Grandma, can you remember where you kept it exactly?” Old woman replied, “ hmm. I can’t remember as I am too old so I don’t remember things much.” Devi said, “ it’s fine, we will just look for some clues near the wall.”

They started to look everywhere but nowhere to be found. Fortunately they found a small piece of cloth from the purse the old woman was carrying. They examined and found that it was a type of chemical. They didn't know what it was so they started to look everywhere they could for that.

They were tensed about where to find it as they promised the old lady to find it. Then his Mother came and saw them looking worried and exhausted from all the searching, so she said, “ Siri and Devi, what is making you so worried and tired?” Siri and Devi told the old lady how they promised to find but only got a clue of a chemical. Her mother asked, “ Can you show it to me? I can help you.” Siri and Devi showed the piece of cloth which holds the chemical.

Her mother took it to her lab to commence the tests to find which chemical it was. Her eyes were worried and shocked to know which chemical it was. She told her children, “ The chemical is nitric acid which is used to test gold and the old woman's coins were made with copper. Solve this mystery and be safe. I have to go now as I have an important project to complete.”

The girls were confused and Siri gave a grin and siad, “ It was gold, a special type I think and it was covered with copper to make its appearance like a normal copper coin. They went back to the old lady and said, “ ma’am, your chemical was stolen by someone. It was because your metal is a special type of gold metal which was covered with copper.” The old woman was shocked and pleaded with them to find it and siri and devi did just that, they went to find the fingerprint to their father who was a Police Commissioner.

His father found the fingerprint, it was a thief who was very sneaky and then Siri went to his place and in a minute she fought all the assistants of the sneaky thief and reached him. He was shocked and Devi investigated the stolen purse. The thief didn’t utter a single word but was forced by Siri so he told everything he knew.
It was so that there was a Leader named Kingman who wanted to rule the entire world and be the richest man in the entire world. He started to know about a metal which can produce endless gold but only when it is mixed with Sapphire with a particular amount.

The girls were astonished and threatened him to tell them their hideout and he told in a rusty voice, “ It is near the Suvarnagiri lake.”

They girls went there and sneaked into the hideout. With a blink of an eye, Siri and Devi fought all the people in the hideout and went to Kingman.

They said in a clear voice, “ Kingman, your game is over. Now give me back the coins. You're under arrest!” The Kingman gave a wicked laugh and said, “ My game is always on and see the melody of money. If we sell the gold I’ll get 100 million as it can produce that much worth gold in a single day. See 100,000,000(stretching his voice) I’ll give you 40% of the share. The girls said, “ We will never-never be a person like you. We like to help others and earn money through our own hard work just like our parents.

The Kingman furiously called many men to attack them. Siri and Devi were kids. How can they fight such a strong army of men? They collected all their courage and stood there ready to fight for justice.

Just then, In the smoke came an army of policemen and his father was leading them. A fierce battle took place and as history says, “ always good wins” Siri and Devi won and Kingman was locked in the Jail for 15 long years as he had many other crimes committed and he felt ashamed and guilty for himself.

The machine was destroyed and the old woman was given a lot of money and his son studied hard and became an officer and started to serve the country. The old woman was proud and thanked Siri and Devi

Siri and Devi were very happy to help the old lady and were given a medal of young detectives medal by the Mayor of their city for such bravery and intelligence. They cracked a problem which big officers were not able to do!

And then they sang their theme song, “ Siri Devi in the case , Siri Devi in the case, Siri Devi in the case and then a little bit of beatboxing.

Moral: One should always be kind and helpful to others. One should never steal anything from others. One should always think wisely and solve a problem.

A words dump for cabin war:
So this is a story which I wrote( 470 words)
The Eternal Fog- Mist
( It was a foggy day, All the people stayed indoors because of the fear of getting lost in the eternal fog)
Miya said, “ Mum, When will the fog be lifted? It's been nearly a week and I want to play outdoors with my friends.” Miya's mum, Not knowing how to answer and was still in a puzzled state when Miya's older sister, Carmi spoke up, “ Miya, don't worry Everything is going to be okay and wanna play a game of Chess? Let's see who will win?” Miya sprinted towards her room to get her Chess board and coins and Mum was still worried as the groceries at home were getting over and was confused on how to get all the important stuff when they were supposed to stay indoors. Carmi sensed her mum's worried expression and thus reassured her mum that she and her mist will go out for that and then disappeared into thin air. Mum understood her and when Miya came she played Chess with her.
The Mist was a secret spy agency founded by Carmi to protect those in need. The mist consisted of Carmi( The leader and a spy)The Eternal Fog seemed suspicious and bank robberies have been taking place across town. This was worrying everyone and the mist even more. They had to do something about it and Every person in the town were counting on them to protect them from this eternal fog and make sure it is gone for good. With this high pressure, the question is, “ Will they Save the town from the Eternal Fog?” Well, This was the same question which rose in the heart and mind of the team members of the mist.

The mist was made up of 4 members, Carmi-The leader and a super stealth spy, Davian- The Hacker, Rose- The Doctor, Hawk- A Robotics engineer and a weirdo who wanted to be a spy and so spy in training.

The mist arrived at their Meeting point–The Shop. It was actually like the head quarters of the Mist, It consisted of a main place to discuss, A lab for Rose, A workshop for Hawk, A Techy room for Davian and a Training room for Carmi.

They all came to the Head Quarter or HQ of the Shop. Carmi started the conversation, “ We all know why we are here so the same speech I guess so What should we do about the eternal fog, Any Ideas?” Rose Spoke up, “ Well, I can test the gas of the Eternal fog so that I can find a way to remove it.”
“That's Excellent, I will get a Sample for you to test.” said Carmi.

(Now they had somewhere to start it so I guess The End where it is just the beginning of a new Venture.)

A unfinished novel which I just started: ( 955 words)
The Violinist of the heaven
So here is our very first important character in this story,There is a girl named Rita. She is 10 years old. She is very shy and often gets nervous when she tries to give a shot on new things and often it turns into disaster but when she again does the same task, she builds confidence in herself and goes and accomplishes the task perfectly like anyone can do. When she went to sing in the 1st rehearsal of her school program she went fully nervous and had fear that she could sing soothingly. She messed up all the lyrics but was about to cry but didn’t cry or felt sad because why to cry? She said to herself, “ I have the potential to sing soothingly. I have the confidence. I can tackle all my problems. I can do it!” She gathered all her courage and she sang. Her voice was so soothing. The lyrics were pronounced perfectly and she was well appreciated. She usually likes to wear dresses in pink color. On her very important days, she wears beautiful and pretty dresses in pink. She likes to eat traditional food as it is good for her health. She is also very responsible for her health and always takes care of it. She even makes sure that she eats unhealthy food some in a month so her immunity system is very good compared to her classmates. She is a very friendly little girl too, she often helps people who are in need and always likes to help them. Whenever there is left over food in her house, she distributes them to the beggars who are in the street waiting for someone to help. She also is a very excellent scholar and a student. She came 1st in class because of her hard work for the entire year. Now that we know about our first character, let us know about the second character’s bio- There is a girl named Riya who is 9 years old and is a very socially confident person and is always confident that she can do whatever in this whole wide world there is. She also almost-almost every sport or activity there could be. When she sees a new thing or an activity without a second thought she jumps into it and gives it a shot. One day when she went to India and saw a girl playing Violin in a melious way. Each note she played was like an angel coming from heaven and playing. She immediately determined her mind to learn to play violin and become a violinist like her. SHe approached her and learned from her teacher about violin and learned to play. Wow! How her teacher used to play violin. Each note carried and filled the air with melody. After 5 years, Riya learned violin and is able to play. Her specialty is that whenever she plays violin, it’s like she can talk to the animals, the nature with the melody of violin and the animals react to her melody by dancing and the nature by waving their branches and moving softly the wind towards her. And when she returned to her home country she became a famous violinist and was known as, “ Riya, the natural violinist.” Violin and she were inseparable and she performed many programs and talked about the connection between the violin melody and nature. One of her famous speeches is, “ When I learned violin, I was just 4 years old but A connection came to me which made me learn violin and Stand in front of all of you. When you play whole-heartedly, a connection will form between you and nature and help you talk with it. Never give up violin” It was a pleasant morning in a beautiful garden filled with an umbrella of evergreen- greenery. The grass is filled with love and is tended with love and passion. The huge trees were standing tall and there were five mango trees which were holding delicious mangoes. The mangoes were in rich orangish yellow color which made the mangoes delicious and tasty and mouth watering. The flowers were of various kinds, like- Jasmine, roses, mari gold, sun flower, lilly, tulip and even some aquatic plants were there in the pond like hyacinth, lotus and waterlily. The pond consisted of clean and clear water. Our reflection was clearly visible in the pond and the most interesting thing is that there was no pollution in the garden. No polluted water, polluted air or polluted land. Everything was clean and the air smelled like a fragrant rose. The smell of the air was very fragrant. when Rita heard a melody of violin and when she heard it, her eyes were in shock, her heart was overjoyed and happy tears were coming from her lovely eyes. She ran towards the melody. Even Rita who was playing had the same feeling, and started a new melody where it was like some good old memories were recalled and even nature directed Riya to the melody by moving her towards Rita by some high gust of strong wind. Riya ran and ran and reached Rita. She cried with happiness seeing her and Rita too cried with happiness. Riya sang the melody, “ How many years did we wait to meet? To learn violin, We did a great sacrifice? Is it fair? Is the drama of nature finished? We finally met after 5 long years.” Ok, Let’s have a quick review of what happened 5 years ago. It all started when Rita got her heart into learning a violin.
( My hands are paining a little bit from all the writing so I guess I’ll continue it later)

This is a small note which I wanted to write after I read a novel- “ Future Friend” ( 272 words)
I had a good night sleep and when I woke up in the morning, I saw the doom. Well, not doom doom but I saw blue bedsheet instead of a pink bedsheet. Wait what so you saw a change in your bedsheet color so that doesn't mean that it is the doom. Well, To begin with it wasn't the bedsheet that changed its color but the entire world itself. I walked out of my room called out to my mum and dad but no one responded. So curios I went outside and saw Tall building like skyscrapers all around instead of my regular building and all the plants withered and the most shocking thing of these all changes was that the Sky's color was Red and not the Sky blue color and well I think there is no Sky Blue Color anymore and Sky Red color is going to be the new trend. I was still in a state of amazement when I saw my mum and dad who appeared to look like aliens with another planet and I think it would have been mars as Earth looked a lot like mars now in my opinion. My mum approached me and asked why I haven't wore my Formals. What formals? And everyone where wearing these Formals That were a bit weird. And then I heard a voice and it belonged to my little sister and she said, “ Wake up you lazy pants..” And then I woke and realized it was all a dream.

A Disastrous Christmas but a memorable one( 454 words)–
So in a week Christmas eve was approaching and the mist had to give gifts to each other and played the game secret Santa. Carmi got rose, Davian got Hawk, Rose got Davian and Hawk got Carmi. They were all in a dilemma to what to give as a present or a gift to one and other. Each one wanted to give the other a really special gift as the group of four had each other during the hard times and when they were first attacked my the unknown. As we know that each of them specialized in a particular thing so they first thought of using their Skills to prepare the present for the other. Carmi is the leader and a super stealth spy so she thought of presenting Rose with a Special Spy Equipment as Rose always longed of being a Spy just for a day to get that feeling and experience. Then Carmi went back to her drawing board and came up with an excellent idea, She thought of designing a A stealth suit for her with roses on them but not too bright or dazzling as after all it is a spy suit not a fancy gala dress. Davian is a Hacker so he also thought of keeping his skills to use. So he prepared a very sophisticated micro chip which Hawk can keep in the Robot he is working on and complete the Software program of it. Rose was a Doctor and so she knew that Davian always was exhausted after a series of Hacking which they had to do now a days a lot because of the increasing robberies across town so She developed a tasty juice which Davian can enjoy while hacking and staying Energetic later. Hawk got Carmi so Hawk already knew that Carmi always wanted a new spy weapon so he developed a spy hair brush which could help her climb walls, talk to the team and you know the best part she can fool her enemies. They Kept all their presents in the HQ and left for dinner but when they returned their presents were burned to ashes and they knew the person who did it–the unknown. Carmi who was the Boldest person in the Mist just broke out in tears as she didn't want this butterfly impact anymore so she proposed a way to fix this. She said Christmas is cheering and being together so Hawk and Davian Set up a Movie screen and set up all the movies that they liked while Rose and Carmi made some snacks. It was perfect and this is how the Mist made a Disastrous Christmas into a memorable Christmas.

This is a write-up which I had to write today for my project so it is just a explanation of my project so you can say that it is educational in a way so go ahead and read it and don't forget to give your valuable feedback on it. ( 278 words )
A Sustainable Waste Water Treatment Plant and a sustainable Hydro-electric Power Plant
Sustainability consists of fulfilling the needs of current generations without compromising the needs of future generations, while ensuring a balance between economic growth, environmental care and social well-being. Sustainable Water Sewage Treatment Plant. We must have a Sustainable water sewage Treatment Plant Which is a Waste Water treatment plant(WWTP). WWTP has the following steps. Receiving Tank: This tank receives the Waste Water. Screening: This tank has screens which separate the unwanted particles from the waste water. Skimming: This tank separates liquids(oil) from the water. Primary Sedimentation: This tank allows the solid to settle and be removed from the Waste Water. Aeration: Aeration consists of passing large amounts of air through water. The air helps in removing metallic impurities from water. Secondary Sedimentation: This Tank involves living organisms such as aerobic or anaerobic microbes to digest the organic waste. Filtration: In this Tank, A filter paper can be used in the form of a funnel and this filter paper will filter the solid particles from the water. Distribution Tank: This tank distributes the purified water. This water can be used for consumption but has to be boiled before and can also be used for domestic purposes. Hydroelectric Power, is a renewable source of energy that generates power by using a Rainwater harvesting tank here. Hydropower relies on the endless, constantly recharging system of the water cycle to produce electricity. Water flows through a pipe(penstock) and then spins the blades in a turbine that ultimately produces electricity. And thus we can conclude that The greater the flow and The more electricity that can be generated.

Hi!! Welcome to my SWC megathread. I'm Eva :] Critique is greatly appreciated, especially if it's for a competition <3

Dailies:

Weeklies:

Random Writing:

Word Wars:

Cabin Wars:

11.11, @essayist's war, https://scratch.mit.edu/studios/33876999/comments/#comments-240205753, 526 words, 2817 characters
Charlotte stared at the wall clock and pondered the idea of tearing it off the wall. Its infernal ticking slowly drew her over the edge all of the night. She sat up and slipped on sneakers. She might as well take a walk rather than just look at the wall all night. She stole one last glance at the clock. 2:48. The lock clicked in the door and she strode out into the streets. Everyone always said that women shouldn't walk alone at night, but Charlotte was confident in her pepper spray. Even without those things, no man dared approach her. There was a confident spring in her step that almost dared someone to talk to her. She slid into a cafe that was known for being open 24/7. The worker was on his phone and barely looked up as the bell for the door rang. Charlotte tapped the counter gently. “Excuse me?” “Hm? Oh. What do you want.” She wasn't shocked by the bluntness - how friendly could you expect someone to be at 3:00 am? “Just a coffee, thanks.” Might as well pick an easy order - make his life a little easier. He grunted and started up the machine. Charlotte leaned against the wall and waited, studying the little tables as if she would learn something from the coffee stains. “Here.” She thanked him and left - she doubted she would be doing him any favors by staying. The lights lit up the dust as the sun made its slow ascent upward. She blinked and suddenly it was dawn. The sun spewed its beams across the city, causing passersby to squint. A couple walked their dog on the sidewalk. Maybe Charlotte should get a dog. It sure would help with the loneliness that came with living in a studio apartment - maybe not, but it was worth a shot. She decided to make the rambling walk back to the apartment and set off, summoning that familiar bounce of her feet as she strode along the pavement of the sidewalk. She stuck her key in the lock but paused. It was already unlocked. Charlotte leaned into the door and nudged it open and saw the shattered remains of her window on the floor. She almost snickered. Who would want to break into her one room apartment? Never mind that, Charlotte was not rich. Middle class was a stretch. She checked over all her things, but nothing was missing. The most valuable things Charlotte had were her pots and pans, so no worries there. She threw her bag on her bed as she sighed. SHe had to prepare for the inevitable task of cleaning the glass. Although, if she had a dog, the intruder might've been too scared to even enter. She swept up the glass, threw it in a trash bag, and tidied up the rest of her room. Once Charlotte surveyed her work, she realized that it had looked more clean than before. She had tricked herself into cleaning once more. The creak of her closet door stopped her in her tracks. She had forgotten to make sure nobody else was there.

11.11, @cherrymango17's war, https://scratch.mit.edu/studios/33876999/comments/#comments-240251943, 417 words, 2426 characters
“Ullmolich, huh?” The demon nodded vigorously. “Never heard of you. Are you sure you're powerful enough for this?” The demon bobbed its head again. “It sounds like you got your name from a ‘demon names generator’ online.” Ullmolich huffed haughtily. “Whether you believe I'm powerful or not, I assure you, this is my name.” The human consulted the book that it had handily been carrying around. The book was fortunately titled, _How to Know Whether Your Deal with a Demon Is Beneficial to Your Situation_. The volume included a lengthy quiz on whether your unique circumstance permits bargaining with hellspawn. If not, it includes mental help hotlines and financial advice websites. The human had meticulously answered every one of the 3498 questions in the book and had received the answer, “Your unique circumstance permits bargaining with hellspawn. On an unrelated note, are you ok?” The human glanced at the answer now and reconsidered if this was a good idea.
“To recap. You bring my best friend back to life, and I give you ten of my memories.” “Correct.” Ullmolich had a wicked poker face. Inside, it was squealing with glee. Ten memories? It was sure to get a raise. The human sighed and gritted its teeth. There was no time to overthink this decision. For Ullmolich's part, it already had the scroll out and ready - all it needed was a drop of the human's blood. Ullmolich even had the knife. It felt prepared today, which reinforced its happiness. If only it knew the human's internal turmoil. It probably wouldn't care less. The human quickly grabbed the knife and slit open its finger. The blood gushed onto the page - far more than necessary. The human stared in dismay.
“It's fine,” Ullmolich quickly reassured it. “It'll just slide off.” The demon was true to its word, and all the excess blood dripped onto the tile floor and vanished. Ullmolich smiled. “Time for my part!” Before the human had time to prepare, Ullmolich put two hands on the side of the human's head and disappeared inside its mind. Because Ulmollich was feeling great today, it decided to be friendly. Two of the ten memories it chose were the memory of the friend dying and the memory of making the deal. In the human's brain, the friend would've never perished. All Ullmolich would have to do was slip away right after it was finished. Technically, it wasn't supposed to do that, but eight memories surely would make up for this kindness.

Writing Competition:

11.18, 858 words

I find myself at the edge of the bridge. Unlike the others, this one doesn't have the curved wire to prevent what I'm about to do. I gather the courage to swing one leg up. “Hey.” I pause, embarrassed with the awkwardness of my position and what I'm about to do. A girl in a leather jacket stands behind me. “Can I talk to you for a second?” She leads me away from the bridge and away from my death.

That was three years ago. Delilah is my best friend now and has been with me through all the hills in my depression. Today was a definite valley.

I text Delilah.

can u come over? im not doing too hot and i havent been out of bed since 2 days ago. havent even showered

Delilah always texts back. I sometimes wonder how she has the time.

yea def - ill bring some food too

I know without a doubt that Delilah is the only person I trust.

Delilah lets herself in the door with the air of a Midwest grandmother caring for her grandchildren. She walks up to my room and displays an arrangement of cookies, sandwiches, and coffee. Despite my disposition, I let the edges of a smile touch my lips briefly. No matter how discreet, Delilah sees it anyway. “So! How do we feel about eating some of this and seeing a movie?”

Sometimes I feel like I'm a burden on Delilah. Allow me to take you back to 7 months ago.

“It's not my fault you get offended so easily! You want me to apologize to you like you're a little elementary school kid?”
I can see a sheen in Delilah's eyes. She's just barely keeping it together.
I decide for once in my life to speak up. “Don't you do anything except mock people? You must have a sad life.”
Josh's eyes flicker from Delilah to me. “And you're talking? Everyone knows all you do is sit in your room, depressed. How do you live knowing that all you do is waste Delilah's time and make her waste her energy on you? I almost feel bad.”
Delilah tugs at my hand and drags me away. Josh calls after her, “You're not off the hook either, Delly! If you can't take a compliment, you'll be single all your life. I could change that for you, but if you're sure…” I feel Delilah's fingernails boring into my hand, and now I'm the one dragging her away.

After the movie, I drive home. I'm getting a call from Josh. I didn't even realize I had his number. I shrug and answer the call. Maybe I could make fun of him. As soon as I tap the green icon, I hear laughter coming through the speaker. “Did you- did you see what Delilah showed us? ‘I haven’t been out of bed since 2 days ago. Haven't even showered.' ” More laughter. “Did you actually do that? How do you forget to shower? You're so gross. She showed us your other texts too - you're actually crazy. She is soooo sick of y-” I hang up.

I'm not sure when I pulled over. My head is in my hands. I'm repeating over and over the mantra. Delilah wouldn't do this. Delilah wouldn't do this. But how else would he know? There was nothing else that made sense. Delilah wouldn't do this. Delilah wouldn't do this. Delilah wouldn't do this.
My hands are shaking. I'm texting Delilah again.

im sorry. josh just told me what u did. who even r u? how much have u showed them?

what? did what? what r u talking abt?

I'm burning with something - rage, sadness, fear, anxiousness… I don't realize until I'm at her house. I knock on the door loudly, and in the back of my mind, I know that I'm doing something wrong. It wasn't fair to attempt to punish Delilah like this, but I was in too deep now. The door swings open and I see Delilah, lip quivering, a fearful look in her eyes. It was believable, until she glanced away, a guilty look entering her eyes. She wipes it off her face like a whiteboard, but not before I had seen it. “Josh called me today. Do you know what he said?”

“What did he say?” A note of terror creeps into her voice. She can tell that I'm unpredictable in my current state. Even I don't know what I'm going to do after this.

“He told me that you showed him our texts and that you were ‘sick’ of me.”

Delilah shakes her head vehemently. “Why would you believe anything Josh says? You know he hates both of us.”

“He read them verbatim.” I spit out the words like venom.

She backs away and slams into the wall behind her. “No, it's not like that-”

I close the door, and with it comes a sense of finality. I had heard enough, and it almost brought me to my knees.

ill miss u mom

I find myself at the edge of the bridge.

Other:

Critiques:

11.12, @MoonlitSeas' writing, https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/721694/?page=1#post-7633058, 209 words, 1177 characters
Just starting off, this writing style is great. I love the poetic flow of the words and it feels very elegant.

the smooth glass before them is a work on magical art.

I would omit ‘before them’ as it previously states that the glass bridge is before them in the first sentence. I also believe that ‘on’ is meant to be ‘of’?

it’s the epiphany of a thousand feelings and a million dreams

Epiphany doesn't seem to be the right word here. Epiphany is usually used as a striking moment of realization. I think the right replacement words would be ‘cumulative work’ or something along those lines.

“Sometimes,” Paris says, a quiet truth hidden behind her voice. “It reminds of all the chances I have, and the things I could do. If I was willing to try. But it also reminds me of all the things I have to loose.”

Just replace loose with lose

Foxglove frowns, their eyebrows lowering in confusion. They don’t quite understand – but they know, someday they will. And for Foxglove, that will be enough – for now.

It feels like you're using a lot of hyphens here. I would recommend making some of these their own separate sentence or combining them. For example, ‘They don’t quite understand, but they know someday they will.'

understand too must about the world when prompted

Is the right word ‘much’?

They may not like to talk about it, but she knew there was always something behind those watery blue eyes,

I would omit ‘she knew’ so the new sentence is, ‘They may not like to talk about it, but there was always something behind those watery blue eyes…’. You already put the phrase ‘she knew’ in the previous sentence, so taking it out makes it sound a little less redundant.

That's all I have to say for your critiquitaire! I have to say, I enjoyed reading your story. I'm invested now :sob: You did great with developing both characters in a short period. I hope this is helpful!!

11.21, @violent-measure's writing, https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/721643/?page=1#post-7619352, 171 words
I love this! You did great with the character-building at the beginning, even without me knowing anything about your characters.

the sound-effects from whatever show

I would change ‘sound-effects’ to ‘sounds’, but if you want to keep it like that, change it to ‘sound effects’ without the hyphen.

“Look!” he exclaimed, rather loudly, right in her ear.

Here, I would take out ‘rather loudly’, because that's what exclaimed means and it sounds slightly repetitive.

“Happens just twice a year, Scully. And that’s if we’re lucky.”

Rephrasing this to “Happens twice a year, if we're lucky. ” helps emphasize the rareness of the event and highlights Scully's disinterest in the matter.
Overall, it was pretty difficult to write a critique for this I didn't find any major dialogue holes or changes that could be made, and I loved this! I'm not sure if this fits with Mulder's character or not, but if you want, it would be nice to see a cute good night scene. Thanks for letting me critique this!