July 12th (DAILY)

Cabin: scifi.

Your breath comes in short puffs, tired after running away from the supernatural creatures that took over earth 2 decades ago. You are hiding in an abandoned shelter, the only safe place you've ever known.
“Hello, Earthling.”
You shriek, and whip your head to find two humanoid-looking aliens.
“We need your help,” said the first voice, coming from Alien1.
“Our friend was kidnapped, sentenced to death in an unknown universe for who knows what,” said Alien2.
In a flash, Alien1 grabs you. “In return, we will save your earth from these creatures.”
“Anyway, you don't have a choice.”
“Don't worry, you won't be alone.”
You feel a blurry lethargy feeling take over you, and just as you pass out, you hear someone say:
“Welcome to the <sci-fi cabin name>.”
(129 words)

Critique for @rocksalmon800 (here)
594 words

Let me start off by saying, I really enjoyed this story. I loved the twist to a very traditional fairy tale, I loved Ella’s character, I loved the representation and I loved how the reader kept guessing at what came next. It was a very fun read overall, and kept me hooked.

The thrum of judgmental whispers echoed in Ella’s ears as she trailed down the altar to Mateo. The veil covering her eyes blurred the guests staring at her into sharp-toothed shadows, and the gauzy train of her wedding dress caught on a smirking man’s shoe as he reached out to trip her. She fought the urge to spit in his face as she pasted on an innocent expression. If she was going to be the princess, she had to act the part.

I’m just going to begin at the beginning, which is absolutely perfect. It really sets the scene and I love the overall vibe the word choice gave. It also does a great job of establishing Ella as a character and her motivations without giving away too much for the story.

She didn’t let the mutterings get to her, though. She had clawed her way up from the bottom, and now had her very own happy ending. The nobles around her were just jealous that she was marrying the prince, when their ugly daughters couldn’t force their feet to fit into a glass shoe. Mateo was every girl’s dream, and she had gotten him. Unluckily for Mateo, for Ella, he was just the means to an end.

This whole part really hooks the reader onto Ella. Already, she’s an interesting character we’re willing to root for, but enough is hidden for us to keep reading. We can see that she’s cunning and calculating as well as ambitious and it’s intriguing.

Two hours later, during the wedding party, Ella slipped away. She hurried down the steps of the dungeon, past the cells of prisoners, through a wooden door. Deep in the maze of tunnels under the castle, she shed her wedding veil and ripped off her train. Ella started running.

The one issue I really have with the story is that the back and forth here can be slightly confusing if you jump to running through the castle then immediately backtrack. Maybe consider writing them in different tenses or even just using italics to differentiate past and present.

But cool blue streaks of relief lined her vision. She hadn’t wanted to kill the prince. She had wanted to love him. But she loved Snow instead, and nothing could change that.

This moment of Ella revealing that she didn’t want to kill Matteo, and she was motivated not by greed but by love really helps the reader empathise with her.

The other thing is that your description of Mateo is excellent and hints at his personality, but it still leaves a lot unanswered. Why did he give Ella the information, because he’s a good person or does he have an ulterior motive?
How long has he known that Ella didn’t love him? And he went with the ceremony anyway, planning to give the vial to her after they were already married? Mentioning something in the scene where he gives Ella the vial might work. Or, if you want to lean into the mystery, having Ella take a moment to be confused about Matteo’s motives and/or how even if she doesn’t love him, he’s a good person - then snapping back to focus on Snow might both help with Matteo’s character and to demonstrate Ella’s love for Snow.

And while we’re on the subject of Snow-

They had been best friends, starting when Snow had visited her family after Snow’s mother, the queen, wanted to meet with Ella’s stepmother to discuss secret matters. Snow and Ella had played together for hours, both finding solace in the other, and they kept meeting together in secret until Snow had run away. Now Ella was going to find her.

That’s an excellent backstory with just the perfect amount of mystery but it doesn’t give much away about Snow herself and her personality, why Ella fell in love with her. Maybe have a little more about them, a stray dialogue or a flashback. It doesn’t even have to go into detail. Is Snow the water to quelch Ella’s flames or are they both fires that add to each other? Something vague like that might make Snow’s arrival less abrupt, possibly when Ella is saying her vows.

She opened the door and sighed in relief. Snow was there, laying serenely in a coffin inlaid with jewels. She started shaking as she slowly stepped over to the coffin. Snow looked as beautiful as always, with white skin, dark hair, and red lips. Ella slowly took off the lid of the coffin and gazed into Snow’s face.

So uhh… just a small thing, but Snow was described to be as beautiful as always and then Ella opened the coffin lid and looked at her. It should be:

Ella slowly took off the lid of the coffin and gazed into Snow’s face. She looked as beautiful as always, with white skin, dark hair, and red lips.

All in all, Ella is established extremely well in the short time of the story. We know a lot about her as a person, how she thinks, her backstory and her motivations. Snow and Matteo could both use a little bit more, but are still great characters and we learn a lot about them from the very limited words.

That’s it! I really enjoyed this story <3
I’m not much of a critiquer but I hope this was helpful!

Daily #12

Word count - 200

Horror Hall of Mirrors:
You see yourself.
Your wide, lost eyes set into your face which is twisted into a scowl of frustration stares back at you from everywhere, every possible direction. You shuffle sideways down the corridor, trying to keep your eyes on the hundreds of reflections that shuffle with you.
(You think you see something that isn’t a reflection)
You have lost count of how long you’ve been wandering the maze, with only yourself for company. Thousands of selves, all slightly warped in the reflection. Some too tall, others with the wrong eye colour or no colour at all.
“You look lost.”
You jump, whirling around as all the reflections whirl with you, making you dizzy.
Someone’s voice laughs. It takes you a minute to see them, because unlike you, the mirrors don’t hold their reflection.
“My name is *name*, keeper of the maze.”
Their eyes meet yours, and it's the only other pair of eyes you’ve seen in weeks.
“And I’m *name*,” comes another voice from behind you, “Also keeper of the maze.”
You jump again. You’re beginning to get used to that.
“If you want to find your way,” says a third, “You’ll come with us.”


My writing thread

My weekly part 2 / writing to be critiqued
532 words

The Linden Wood - has quite a magical ring to it, don’t you think? In summer this is the most uncomfortable place to be. The sun scorches you to a chip from above and the marshes reflect the sun from below - in a vortex of sun. And to make matters worse, the humidity which rises from the marshes is horrendous. It's sticky and makes everyone here hot and bothered. And winter is the complete opposite - the other end of the spectrum. Even being outside for a few minutes makes your hair freeze off your head and your fingers turn to icicles. The two severe ends of the spectrum. Spring is the best time. It’s warm - yes, but not the sweltering heat from the summer. And the air has a cool tint to it - something very much valued by every villager here.
The wood, obviously, is full of trees. Ancient oaks and birches tower over everything. They were alive during the Second Fauna War and possibly during the First Fauna War too. Legend says that these trees created time themselves. Grew out of nothingness and created everything.
And every now and then there is a clearing. These clearings are where the people live. And where the bluebells are. No one knows the significance or importance of these flowers, but everyone understands that they are to be protected. The houses almost tower as high as the trees, but not as much. After the Second Fauna War, the houses were built on stilts to avoid them sinking down in the marshes. And in one of those houses, eleven year old Amaranth lived.
Dressed in coarse burgundy trousers and a khaki jumper, she sat beside her father, making dinner together. Bread, meat and vegetables. Like every day. Not that she minded. Well, actually, she did a bit. But there wasn’t anything else to eat. In these rural parts of the country, imported food was rare. And when it did come it was quite expensive, something her parents couldn’t afford. They weren’t too poor, but they weren’t rich either. Middle-class as most people called it. And foods from other countries were for the upper classes.
However, despite the differences in wealth, the country was run by everyone. A council, created from a variety of people over 16 years of age, helped run the country. And as the country has a very prominent farming industry, the majority of the council members were farmers.
Amaranth had just finished peeling the potatoes when there was a knock on the door and a buoyant voice called to announce her arrival. The language sounded something like modern German with traces of French and Czech lining the words.
“The politics has gone absolutely crazy in Escargo,” her mum called from downstairs. “There are reports of people rioting against the Kings all over town.”
Kings was something they didn’t have. Ever since the Second Fauna War, all the kingdoms with their individual rulers had been merged into one united republic. A lot of people had argued, mainly the rulers, but they went along with it, knowing what would happen if they didn’t. And so the council, made up of all sorts of people was formed.

Critique for Mako

Tw: Tw for whump themes, no actual whump is committed.

Drawing_Dragons28 wrote:
You awaken slowly. An ominous red light cats long shadows throughout the room. The walls are lined with cabinets and bins, each carefully labeled in looping handwriting. Bandages in a flat basket here. Needles in a translucent blue bin over on that shelf. Scalpel blades and bodies in this cabinet. A bucket sits in the corner next to a desk with neat piles of paper stacked on it. You don’t see any way to get in - or out - of the room.

Your attention turns to yourself. Thick metal chains anchor your ankles to the floor and more stretch down from the ceiling, suspending your arms above your head, which ache horribly. Your feet brush against something and you look down to see a drain beneath them.

A door clicks open and shut behind you and you try to turn to see who - or what- it is but the chains restrict your movement.

The entity walks behind you, their shoes clicking against the floor. They seem to sort through the papers for a few moments before getting something from a cabinet if the thump of wood opening and closing is anything to go by.

A hand trails against your back and side and you flinch away. The hand moves to your face, trailing down until they're cupping it in their hand. The person agonizingly comes into view and wait - they look normal.

Their face is sharp and angular. Their hair is shaved on one side and trails down their shoulder in a braid. The only odd thing is their hight. They must have a few feet on you and you definetly wouldn’t condiser yourself short. That and their eyes. Ordinary brown but sparking with deeper color and frightningly piercing, like they’re looking into your soul.

“Aren’t you cute,” they purr, mouth quirking as they look down at you and that’s when you realize that they definitely have fangs, glinting in the red light. “You may call me Absinthe.”

“Who are you?” you spit out, trying to keep your voice from wavering.

Absinthe laughs, sending a shiver through your bones. “That isn’t important pet. Welcome back my darlings.”

You realize they’re not talking to you anymore. Twin pairs of footsteps walk out from behind you.

One belongs to a (ensert description of co-leader #1). They smile down at you but there’s no warmth in it.

“These are my colleagues, (co-leader #1 and #2). They appreciate the fine art as much as i do.” Absinthe gestures at the two newcomers.

“They’re a lot more pathetic than i expected,” (co-leader #2) snorts. They’re (insert description of co-leader #2). “Don’t worry, i’m sure they’ll be great fun,” Absinthe promises.

You take a deep breath. “What ‘fine art’? And what will i be ‘great fun’ for?’’

The three people in front of you glance at each other before (co-leader #1 and #2) answering in unison.

“Whump.”

From the start, your description really draws the reader in and lets the reader imagine the room themselves. The interactions from both sides fit the mood of the piece and the characters really well. I can see that the ‘I’ person is quite confused and intimidated, whereas the antagonists are enjoying the narrator’s confusion.

You awaken slowly. An ominous red light cats long shadows throughout the room. The walls are lined with cabinets and bins, each carefully labeled in looping handwriting. Bandages in a flat basket here. Needles in a translucent blue bin over on that shelf. Scalpel blades and bodies in this cabinet.

I really like how you set the scene here so the reader can visualise the setting.

Thick metal chains anchor your ankles to the floor and more stretch down from the ceiling, suspending your arms above your head, which ache horribly

This is quite a long sentence - try to break it up or modify it. You could write ‘suspending your aching arms above your head’ to avoid the long sentence.

Your feet brush against something and you look down to see a drain beneath them.

If you wanted to add some significance to the drain, you could do ‘Your feet brush against something - a drain’

it is but the chains restrict your movement.

Add a comma after ‘but’, as it's a different thought

They seem to sort through the papers for a few moments before getting something from a cabinet if the thump of wood opening and closing is anything to go by.

This is quite a long sentence. I would recommend to add a comma after cabin to break it up more.

The person agonisingly comes into view and wait - they look normal.

Is it shocking to the reader that they look normal or does the person wait before doing anything further? If it's the former, I would recommend clarifying someplace in the text why the narrator is shocked that the person looks normal. I would also add a comma before ‘wait’ as it is another thought.

Their face is sharp and angular. Their hair is shaved on one side and trails down their shoulder in a braid. The only odd thing is their hight.

Spelling error of height
Great description - I really like it!! It really shows what the character is like and gives a good description of them

Ordinary brown but sparking with deeper color and frighteningly piercing, like they’re looking into your soul.

I really like this description! spelling error of frighteningly

mouth quirking as they look down at you and that’s when you realize that they definitely have fangs, glinting in the red light

This is quite a long sentence. I would recommend making a new sentence after ‘you’ and either beginning it with ‘and’ or ‘that’s’


This is a well written piece! You describe the setting really well allowing the reader to understand the location. One thing I would say to focus on is sentence structure and length. Some of your sentences are quite long which can confuse the reader and removes some clarity from your piece.
You portray the characters really well and you can sense their emotions. Even from this little bit of text, we can understand that the narrator is scared and intimidated, whereas the other characters enjoy frightening the narrator and looking down on them. Thank you so much for letting me critique this piece of writing!!

critique for legocookie6 ! may have gone overboard

Orange marmalade.

great hook! this instantly puts an image in my mind, and makes me wonder why the narrator starts with this food, drawing me deeper

Sticky and sweet with the perfect amount of tartness.

continuation of the imagery! i might suggest adding a bit more about sight and touch (perhaps even sound?) before getting into taste as a pull into the next paragraph — but this suggestion could mess up the pacing?

I know many people dislike the taste of orange marmalade. When asked about my favorite food, many of them seem almost disgusted with my answer.
I don’t care. It’s not just about the taste. Orange marmalade holds a lot of memories- sweet, yet perhaps a little tart as well.

wonderful call back to a previous description by using the same adjectives!

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can see a younger version of myself, feet hanging over the side of the boardwalk that jutted into the vast blue ocean. Wind whipping my hair into my face as I struggled to eat my favorite sandwich of all time: orange marmalade.

more lovely imagery! instead of “I can see a younger version of myself,” “I am a younger version of myself” would be more powerful. this memory is connected to orange marmalade, but try connecting it to the taste as well — does the narrator remember this just when they close their eyes, or just when they’re eating marmalade, or maybe when they’re smelling it?

A boy used to sit next to me. My ten-year-old self thought he had the brightest smile in the whole world.

cutting “My ten-year-old self thought” would create a stronger statement with “He had the brightest smile in the whole world.”

That’s the beauty of being young; even the smallest things can make you smile.

i would either cut this or change where it is — the narrator is talking about seeing a smile, not smiling themself, and it’s not related to the next paragraph either — maybe add more imagery about what the two characters did here, before going into what they talked about?

I can’t remember what we used to talk about. I imagine us talking about silly little things like our favorite foods or the shapes that the clouds made. What we ate for breakfast or why the ocean was blue.

keep the phrase “I can’t remember” to talk about his name — instead here you could add a question like “What did we talk about?” or just another rephrase of not remembering, like “I forgot”

Those silly little things sometimes left us talking until the sun began to set, its orange glow reflecting on the ocean, making it seem as if some parts of the water were made of gold.

such pretty imagery!

I can remember such small details vividly, but can’t remember his name.

again keep the word “remember” for just his name to emphasize this point; also making “such small details” the subject of the first clause will further emphasize “his name” by differentiating its position in the sentence — “Such small details come to me easily, but I can’t remember his name.” is how i would rephrase it

Soon summer came to an end. The sweltering days slowly turned cooler. Just as summer disappeared, so did the boy.
I asked about him when he didn’t show up to the boardwalk a second day in a row. It was a slightly cool day and the sun was hidden behind a blanket of gray.

add a list of places the narrator checked for him, places they visited together? or a list of people the narrator asked. relate the weather to him being gone; summer is gone, so is he, so this colder weather is a symbol of that

An old fisherman finally told me the answer. His parents were going through a divorce, so they sent him to live with his aunt for the summer while they worked things out. He had left for home the day before.

the old fisherman is a trope that doesn’t really work here — probably the narrator just gets this information from the boy’s aunt

“He had a message for someone,” said the old man. “He told me to tell Marmalade that he would miss her.”

awwww that’s so cute! love the parallel between this and the narrator not remembering his name

I remember smiling as I realized I was Marmalade. To this day, I wonder if the boy knew why he was spending the summer in our quaint little town by the ocean. Did he know what was happening at home? If so, why was his smile so big and bright?
This is why, whenever I eat my favorite sandwich I feel like smiling and crying at the same time.

“This is why” is wordy and weak — i’d replace it with “So” or “Now” or simply start the sentence with “Whenever”

Disappointingly, I wasn’t able to eat my sandwich for breakfast today because I overslept again- something I have been doing a lot recently.

i get the point of this, but it feels disconnected, and needs a better transition into it

The sky is a stormy gray as I make my way through the university campus. My professor is going to be extremely mad if I’m late for the fifth time this semester.

should use the same descriptor for the sky here as you do a few paragraphs prior, to connect the two events

I glance down at my phone for a brief second; I have three minutes left. Perfect- I can make it in two.

“glance… for a brief second” is redundant, “briefly glance” or just “glance” is stronger and means the same thing. the narrator is currently in a rush, so they should sound like it — cut all words that aren’t completely necessary — “I have three minutes left” can be “three minutes.” “Perfect, I can make it in two.” can be “I’ll make it in two.”

I stumble into a person and fall on my behind. “Ow!” I yell angrily, annoyed at this setback. I force myself to relax; I still have plenty of time.

the narrator is very offended by an accident that seems to be their fault — change the blame; “Someone stumbles into me, and I fall.” “yell angrily” is redundant, as is “annoyed at this setback”

“Sorry!” A voice says and I look to see who has gotten in my way. The man smiles down at me. His hair is wavy and brown, and his eyes are as blue as the ocean. There is something familiar about his smile.

cut the second sentence; it’s implied that the narrator is looking at the man who ran into her and that it’s his voice. instead of the final sentence, really emphasize his smile — “What is it about his smile?” or “There’s something about his smile…” could work, but just “His smile…” is strongest in my opinion. i’d add something about the weather warming or the sun coming out, to drive in the connection between him and summer weather.

I stand up and brush myself off, “It’s fine!” I say, although it really isn’t. I am probably going to be late again.

period after “off.” “‘It’s fine.’ It isn’t. I’m going to be late. Again.” is fewer words and conveys the narrator’s frustrastion

The man doesn’t move out of my way; he just stands there, his smile slowly turning into surprise.

“slowly” doesn’t add anything here

“Umm excuse me,” I say as politely as I can, “I have a class to get to.”
I am met with silence. I shrug and begin to move around him.
“Marmalade?” The man whispers.
I freeze and the man’s smile is back in full force, brighter than the sun.
Suddenly, I’m ten again…

awww this end is so cute! they’ve found each other again after all these years <33

on the whole, i really enjoyed reading and interacting with this piece. you’re very good with the throughlines you included, and many of the suggestions i’ve made are to emphasize what you already have. as a further suggestion, i am not sure what is added to the story by having the boy be at the beach because his parents are getting a divorce — changing or further integrating this detail could make it better. one other thing you could add is the narrator’s response at the end, but i really like the end as it is! the whole piece definitely has a very nostalgic feel and you certainly accomplished getting the reader to feel something!

Daily
200 words, cabin intro for Mystery, does involve m0rder, read at your on risk

Rain beats against the windows of the manor. You and twenty others were chosen to visit the manor for a workshop. You hear a faint noise.
“Did anyone else hear that?” you ask, and everyone nods. Just then, a lady in a trench coat walks through the doors that lead to the rest of the eerie building. Her dark hair is swept up in a bun, and her face is pale
“Welcome.” she says
“You have been gathered here for a writing workshop, but it appears we have a slight delay.'' She took a deep breath.
”It seems that one of the servants has been murdered. All of you where in the manor, so you'll have to stay. Which means you can help me and my partner solve the crime.“ She motions for everyone to follow her. She leads you into a sitting room, where a man is sitting by the fire.
”Hello.“ he looked over at you and everyone else. Something about him sends a shiver down your spine.
”Welcome to Mystery Manor. I do hope you enjoy your stay." he grins at you. You have a feeling this is going to be the strangest month of your life.

Silvi's thread

Daily 12th July
231 words
Genre: Bizarro Fiction
You feel a slight breeze in the air. Your bed shakes and vibrates under some invisible source, and your mind is whirling, full of a thousand questions. You look outside and see a mammoth parading through the fields. A mammoth? It comes closer and closer and you feel a desperate desire to run towards it and never have to see the world again. Weird. Your bed suddenly shudders and you look below. It was levitating, levitating above the rooves of the little thatched huts. Your eyes are wide open in wonder as you ponder the happenings, strange happenings.

The hairy mammoth stampedes closer and closer, its eyes fiery and fierce. You pull up the bedcovers and hide, squeezing your eyelids shut and wait for it to happen, to be run over by those hooves as hard as steel and be tossed around by those mighty twisting horns. But it never happens. The thundering in the soft caky earth quietens and you sigh in relief. Your eyes peek through the duvet and you see two girls with whirling plaits by the mammoth.
“Hey! Welcome to camp!” one of them says. They grin at me and you give them a small smile. You have no clue on how the mammoth got there, but you shake away that thought as you leap down to join the two girls.

July 12th daily - fantasy intro - 198 words

You walk up to an empty grassy area inside of a large neighborhood. ‘Are they sure this is correct?’ you wonder, taking out an envelope. ‘It says to follow the small stream and find a large gap – where there should be a house, but only grass is there – in the neighborhood’.
Then it says, ‘now enter.’ You are confused for a minute, as you look around and ponder what the envelope is trying to tell you. Rereading the envelope one more time, you catch three words at the very beginning - /school of magic/. Ah, that’s it.
You step back and look at your right palm. Focusing, a mark glowed and pulsed, as if it were alive. You spin your right hand in a circle, and then reach out. Instead of being faced with an empty area of grass, it feels like water. ‘It must be a water wall,’ you think. You hold your breath and dive into the wall.
On the other side, you are already inside a cozy cottage. About 10 other people around your age were there, and two older were standing on a high platform.
“Welcome to the secret school of magic!” They say.

ollie’s daily 7/12 (poetry ftw!!!) (105 words)

Prompt: Write your own cabin intro thingy
I wrote one for poetry!! <3

A clock ticks slow
Dust unravels
A subtlety peeks,
From the corners, light it seeks

Eyes draw near
It’s too heavy to lift
So it stays in the depths,
About everyone’s steps

A clock ticks fast
Dust departs
The box is shut closed,
Everyone knows

A duo comes near,
To inspect the enigma
A critical key
To fill the hole, they see

Clues and ciphers,
Sleuths and suspects,
The duo leads all
In the greatest call

A clue reveals
What first they must do
This mystery brings heat
In the poet’s retreat

7/12 Daily // Intro for Thriller // 199 words

You’re sipping on your lemonade, enjoying the sunshine out on the beach. As you were beginning to ease in the thought that nothing could spoil this moment, dark clouds appear out of nowhere and cover the sun, shading everything below. Frustrated, you walk back to the hotel lobby as thunder starts to rumble. As soon as you enter, powerful wind shuts the doors. Heavy rain falls and the hotel lights completely go out.
Darkness shrouds the entire lobby. All you could hear were people attempting to fix the power and the booming sound of thunder.
Suddenly, you see a red light flashing in the corner of your eye.
You look around and see someone flashing an intense red light. Curious, you make your way to the light.
“Oh hi!” The person said. “Good thing you noticed the light. Only a few are chosen to see it..”
I looked around and noticed the girl was right. Only a few others seemed to have come.
“You all are gathered here to stop the people causing this chaos,” the girl explained. All of you follow the girl to a secret compartment in the walls.
“Welcome to the ECT. The Elite Chaos Terminators!”

Hi-Fi Task

“Hey Clara, jump!” Charlotte called as she tried to get her camera to focus.

“Off the bridge? Are you crazy?” Clara said, looking bewildered.

“Yes, of course I want you to jump off a bridge,” Charlotte deadpanned, rolling her eyes. “I mean for the photo. We need good photos of you having fun so your mom doesn’t pester you more.”

Clara giggled. “Okay, you’re right. Let’s go to a cafe after this! There’s so much Greek food we haven’t tried yet.”

Charlotte nodded in reply and snapped a few photos, before motioning Clara to follow her through the park. They stopped at a few more pretty flower bushes and elegant trees, snapping photos. Charlotte was getting quite tired by the end of it. Greece was a lot warmer than the Canadian weather she was used to.

“Ooo, Lozzie, there’s this really cute cafe with lots of good reviews only a few blocks away. Let’s go!”

“Good,” Charlotte breathed. “Finally we can find a place with air conditioning. I was about to melt into a puddle like the Wicked Witch of the West.”

182 words

Daily #12
7/12/2023
306 words

139 words
Fantasy Knighthood

“Welcome, pages,” Grand Master Eevee greets, “though you are still young and have much to learn, you are on your way to become part of the Fantasy Knighthood.”
Grand Master *name* beams. “We are so glad to have all of you here and hope that you all help with the monster invasion.”A murmur ripples through the crowd until a raised hand demands silence.
Grand Master *name* raises lowers their hand. “This is a perilous job and we expect all of you to help out. Our kingdom is in danger and you are the next generation of knights to protect it.”
“We are here to help you, guide you,” Grand Master Eevee continues. “Good luck, pages. Rise through the ranks and slay as many beasts stand in your way. Victory is at hand and we must act fast.”

167 words
Horror: The Revolution Era

Flames. Flames engulfing everything, spreading everywhere. Endlessly. There was no way to stop it.
The hosts are coming. You've been running away the past few weeks. No one is safe.
“Hey, you!” a feminine voice calls, “You need help?”
You turn to see two teenagers, one with two black-turquoise ombre braids and the other with dirty blonde space buns. You hesitantly nod, telling them how you've been on the run from the hosts and their faces soften.
The braided girl shakes her head. “The hosts are still going through with their plans and they must be stopped,” she declares, giving a half-hearted smile. “I'm Eevee. I experienced firsthand the wrath of the hosts two years ago.”
“I'm *name*,” the other continues, “and the hosts took everyone I know. We've got to stop them before they set fire to everything on SWC island.”
“Join us; we can stop the hosts together,” Eevee offers.
*Name* makes eye contact. “But we're not going down in flames.”

July 12, 2023

~Poetry Art Galleries ~
A soft chill brushes your shoulders as you step into the next room. Grabbing a brochure as you go. Opening the brochure, you examine a map of the galleries. African American Art, Italian Renaissance, Art of Ancient Americas, Japanese Gardens, the list went on. A girl with dark hair approaches you. Her face is full of relief. “Thank you so much for coming!” she exclaimed, “we really need the art galleries to be fixed as fast as possible.”

She leads you towards a room full of artifacts. The metal plaque outside is labeled: “Art of Ancient Americas”. “This is currently the only exhibit open. All the others are closed. If we could get the other galleries open by the end of the month, that would be great.”

Another girl approaches you, her expression kind. “Let’s go back to the main lobby. There’s a lot I need to show you.”

149 words

daily 12 - cabin intro
cabin: non-fi ruins
word count: 169


“Everybody off in five minutes,” the voice proclaims over the loudspeaker of the bus, “we reach our destination in five minutes.”
The announcement is a welcome surprise, as you feel like you’ve been traveling for days, with nothing in sight but the dry, sandy desert all around you–and you can’t help but wonder what lies all the way out here that’s so important.

“We’re here. Everybody off,” the voice says five minutes later, and you eagerly hop off the bus and into the still-barren desert, where a narrow staircase descends into a canyon. At the bottom, you can faintly make out some old ruins, and then see two people with dusty clothes and brushes in hand ascend the stairs to meet you.

“Hey, everyone! We’re glad you were all able to come out here!” one of them says. “I’m (name), and this is (name). You’re probably wondering why we called you to this place–and the answer is right down these stairs. Come on; you’ll never believe what we found.”

word war
Loki frowned. Oh dear. His tomatoes were drooping. For the most part, he eschewed making any change to the way his plants grew naturally, but tomatoes really did need support. At least they weren’t all lined up in perfect lines; that was what really got to him. When people ordered the chaos that was just fine left as chaos. Better, even.
Loki propped up the tomato plant and began inserting the stake. A few small, green bulbs were hanging off it; soon enough there would be proper, ripe fruit. Perhaps he should bring some with him when he visited his family next month.
That done, Loki moved on, letting the ivy overhead brush over his hair, tickling the back of his neck as it drooped down to his shoulders. Ivy was so interesting; it took over, climbing over anything you put before it. Loki loved it. Every wall in his greenhouse was covered in the stuff, green and vibrant and explosive.
Humming, Loki began watering his ferns. They were starting to look a little dry; mostly he relied upon the misters around the room to water these plants, but some needed a little extra nudge.
Loki walked over to the flowers he had planted, hoping to emulate the way a field of wildflowers might tumble together in patches. It was beautiful, all the colors vying for his attention. He paid heed to every one and no one at the same time, allowing the colors to blur and become one beautiful, chaotic canvas before his eyes, like a piece of that abstract art he could never understand. But here … here he could. It was natural, this chaos. Entropy was a part of the universe. Even an immortal could see that. Especially an immortal, sometimes.
Loki brushed…{time}

syrozenne wrote:

As the train rattled through the countryside, its wheels whirring against the tracks, the night outside grew darker, casting an eerie ambiance onto the cabin lights flickering inside. The year was 1825, a time when the train system was still a novel and exciting mode of transportation. Little did the passengers on this particular journey know that they were moving through the heart of danger.

I really love how this pulls you into the suspense immediately. The omniscient narrator is used to let you know that there is something dangerous (and potentially exciting ) about to happen, and it works very effectively!
My only comment would be that the phrase “its wheels whirring against the tracks” seems rather superfluous. We already have such a picture in our minds from the word “rattled” and we know that trains run along tracks, so it just doesn’t seem all that neccessary to point out, and is a bit jarring in the flow of the sentence in general. Otherwise, I love the introduction!

Among the individuals nestled in plush velvet seats, finest silk dresses, and tailored suits, lurked a villain with a sinister mission. This cunning mastermind had devised a diabolical plot to eradicate specific individuals of wealth, taking advantage of their journey on the train to carry out their wicked deeds.

The plot thickens! I like how we went from a wider view to closing in on the murderer. I have two changes here; the first is really simple—I don’t think the comma after “suits” is needed. Secondly, I think “their wicked deeds” could be changed to “this wicked deed” because it seems more like it’s referring to what we’ve already established, whereas what you have here almost seems to reference new deeds if that makes sense?

The villain, known only as The Engineer, had carefully studied the schedules, routes, and passenger lists of the train system. Armed with a ruthless determination, they had vowed to seek revenge on the elite who had wronged them in the past, orchestrating their demise in a most macabre manner.

I absolutely love the oblique title of “the Engineer” and the alliteration of “a most macabre manner” (stop it I can’t resist alliteration it’s basically my favorite thing ever)! My only small nitpick would be that I don’t think you need to have the article “a” before “ruthless determination,” as I feel it slows down the sentence.

As the passengers prepared for bed, one by one, they slowly rose from their seats and made their way towards their lavishly decorated cabins. Little did they realize the perilous fate that awaited them behind those cabin doors.

Here I feel the timeline seems a bit off; it says “as” they prepared for bed, then seems to jump back to when they’re about to prepare for bed. Shuffling around the order of the sentence or simply removing the phrase “As the passengers prepared for bed,” should fix this confusion!

Mr. William Hargrave, a wealthy businessman, loosened his tie and stretched his limbs as he approached his cabin. Unbeknownst to him, The Engineer had tampered with the lock, ensuring that it opened only from the inside. As the unsuspecting Mr. Hargrave turned the doorknob, a surge of fear washed over him. His pulse quickened, and a sense of impending doom whispered in his ear.

Inside the cabin, a grotesque mechanical contraption awaited its victim. The Engineer knew precisely when the cabin door would be opened and unleashed an intricate system of gears, triggering a deadly mechanism. Hidden blades shot out from the walls, slicing through the air with deadly precision. In a mere matter of seconds, Mr. Hargrave's life was abruptly cut short, his death silently witnessed by the ticking of the train's wheels.

Whoa, this is so cool/evil ! :0 I really like it~ only comment would be you mention “silently” witnessed, but the wheels are presumably not silent.

Across the corridor, Lady Victoria Ashford, a socialite adorned in shimmering jewels, bid her acquaintances goodnight and retired to her cabin. She was oblivious to the danger lurking within, eagerly anticipating a restful night's sleep. However, when she entered, she discovered a chilling sight. The cabin was filled with poisonous gas seeping from a concealed source. Her screams went unheard, muffled by the silence of the night, as her lungs struggled for breath and her vision faded into darkness.

One by one, The Engineer continued to claim their victims, each death more inventive and cruel than the last. The passengers, still unaware of the horrors unfolding around them, descended into an uneasy sleep, oblivious to the imminent danger that surrounded them. The villain reveled in their malevolent actions, their rage satisfied with each successful execution.

However, unbeknownst to The Engineer, a young detective by the name of Albert Dalton had been tracking their every move. As the night wore on, and the moon reached its zenith, he had managed to uncover the identity of the villain and their heinous intentions.

This is great! I like the introduction of another character who knows what is going on. The “he” after “zenith” is a bit of an unclear antecedent. I would use Dalton’s name here as it confused me who precisely you were speaking about.

With stealth and determination, Detective Dalton moved through the darkened train, his footsteps barely audible against the backdrop of rumbling engines. The Engineer, confident in their wickedness, could not possibly have anticipated the sudden turn of events about to unfold.

Finally, the moment arrived. The detective cornered The Engineer, revealing their identity to the shocked passengers. Chaos erupted as fear gripped their hearts, and a wild struggle ensued. In the midst of the frantic battle, Detective Dalton managed to overpower The Engineer, bringing an end to their deadly reign.

Order was restored, but the memory of that dark train ride would always haunt the survivors. The year was 1825, and though the train system continued to grow in popularity, it now bore an air of trepidation and dread. The passengers who had witnessed The Engineer's malevolence would forever recall the night when the train became a conduit for murder and mayhem, casting a shadow upon an otherwise extraordinary innovation.

Wow! I really really like how you bring it back to the beginning sentences at the end. I’m a sucker for things ending as they began hehe. Overall, your writing was lovely and I really enjoyed reading it. Thanks so much for letting me critique!

Weekly #2

Part One:
Prompt by @extrovertedd

Dialogue is one of the main factors that makes a novel. It can illuminate relationships, convey important information, make you laugh or cry. Seems important, right? Well, that’s because it is. That doesn’t mean you have to get it right on the first try, nor does it mean writing perfect dialogue needs to be your main focus. However, particularly when it comes to editing, dialogue is something that cannot be looked over.
When considering whether a line of dialogue is necessary, ask if it moves the plot forward or shows you something important about a character or their emotional state at that point. If it does neither, consider cutting it altogether. In the grand scheme of your novel, a fun conversation to write does not necessarily a useful conversation make.
Well, you point out, those tips require me to have written dialogue in the first place. For some, this is where the struggle lies.
To write dialogue, my tips would be to step back from the scene. Think of the character speaking. How did they get there? Do they want to be there? What are they hoping to get out of this conversation? A character who doesn’t want to have this conversation might speak more tersely, in short sentences. A character who is trying to control the conversation might easily dismiss another character’s words or use more forceful language. Then think about their speaking habits and how that relates to their personality—a shy character won’t start waxing poetic on the smallest thing, but what if they really love a certain topic? In this case, contrast their lackluster, reserved speech in certain situations with their enthusiasm here. An outgoing, friendly person might take control of the conversation easily and tend to talk more easily about lighthearted topics. A thoughtful person might hold back for most of the conversation, then say something insightful at the end of it. Think also about their education and background. Is this their native language? Is this a setting they’re used to? An English professor won’t talk the same way as a sailor. A simple change of “yup,” to “glad to oblige” can tell you a lot about the character’s manner and even hint at their history. Try listening to people you know or meet, and notice the difference in their choice of words. Be intentional with your dialogue. It might surprise you how much more natural it sounds!
Okay, now you’ve written your dialogue and are happy with it. Great! Next, let’s do a quick overview of formatting.
Ah, the infamous dialogue tags.
A dialogue tag is where the author notes the character speaking. For example:

“Hello there,” said Obi-Wan.

Now, a dialogue tag is not always necessary (more on that later), but the rules of punctuating one are fairly simple once you learn them. Basically, if you’re using a word to describe how they said it (“asked, shouted, said, pointed out, explained, etc.”) you end the phrase within quotations with a comma, then begin the dialogue tag in lowercase (unless, of course, you start with the character’s name or something that needs to be capitalized). It’s that simple!
When adding a description of action, however, it works differently, which is where some writers get confused.
For example:

“I hate sand.” He frowned, thinking back to the blazing heat of two suns on his back.

In this case, you finish the quote with a period instead of a comma, as the action is not describing how he spoke.
However, you could also write it like this:

“I hate sand,” he said with a frown, “it’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.”

Here, the dialogue continues after a short dialogue tag. This includes a comma after the dialogue tag before the dialogue continues.
Finally, I’m going to touch on the topic of “said.”
Should you use it?
Short answer: yes.
Use the word said.
Now, this does not mean you should never not use said. Personally, when characters ask something and the author uses the word said instead of asked is one of my biggest pet peeves. I definitely suggest using words like “asked” or “shouted” if it better describes how the character is actually speaking.
However, try to avoid using a word other than said every single time. It is unnecessary and can seem like you’re trying to show off your vocabulary, ending up taking the reader out of the story. In the end, it comes down to personal preference, so mess around with different words to find out what you like.
That brings us to the end of what I can tell you about dialogue. I hope this helped in some way, and best of luck to you in all your writing endeavors.
(801/500)
link: https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/696746/?page=2#post-7373038

Part Two:
workshop on emotion by @schoolPractice_6th

The night sky stretched above Orion, black and endless. Standing at the crest of this hill, it felt like he was floating out in space. But in space he’d be able to see the stars.
Orion closed his eyes, letting the darkness take him in a cold embrace.
The wind whistled forlornly as it frisked through the brown, dead grass and ruffled Orion’s hair.
Orion stepped to the right, then twirled forward, swaying in the wind.
He danced to a melody he couldn’t hear, but, oh, how he wanted to.
Iris heard it.
She was a river, shining in the sun like a thousand stars hid within.
He was a lake, stagnant and dark.
He was the night sky, and she was a constellation.
Turn.
Step forward, back.
He was a shadow, and she was the sun.
Orion opened his eyes, and in his mind’s eye he could perfectly picture the stars he should see. As if they were really there, sparkling in his vision like the new-fallen tears of some long dead god. But they were not there; they were shadows like him.
Leaves rustled in the distance where tires squealed and city lights glowed.
Orion swallowed his anger and forced his legs to follow the steps Iris had demonstrated a thousand times. He could perform them with perfect precision, never missing a beat.
That was the problem.
He could do, but he could not feel.
The only thing that made him feel alive were the stars, and those were long gone, buried under a mountain of pollution. Orion couldn’t change that any more than he could make the world stop turning. All he could do was follow the steps and imagine the stars.
Orion spun more slowly, arms out as though dancing with an invisible partner.
He stepped back, arm up, and his eyes lifted to heaven.
Light.
He faltered.
A sliver of heaven burst across the sky like a silent, shimmering bullet.
Orion’s mouth hung open; his heart seemed to stop in his chest.
Beat. Beat. Beat.
They fell in perfect time.
And Orion could hear the melody.
Low and haunting, powerful and swelling.
It came in the whisper of wind. It came in the rustle of leaves. It came in his heartbeat. In sounds and sights and smells. In constellations and in the depths of the sea. It was of Earth and of heaven. It hummed in the back of his mind, so familiar, as if he’d always heard it. And perhaps he had, but had been so busy following the steps that he had never listened. Until now, when his heart fell in tune.
Orion resumed his dance, this time following the song of stars.
He danced with the wind and the glowing meteors until they began to fade from the sky. But even then, the song played in his mind, and Orion swore to never forget the melody.
As the final meteor darted down, straining to meet the dust, Orion reached up towards it. He could feel its warmth, like a hand in his.
(506/500)

Part Three:
I exchanged a critique with @syrozenne ! Link: https://scratch.mit.edu/projects/873238821/#comments-344423582
Here is my critique of her work:

I really love how this pulls you into the suspense immediately. The omniscient narrator is used to let you know that there is something dangerous (and potentially exciting ) about to happen, and it works very effectively!
My only comment would be that the phrase “its wheels whirring against the tracks” seems rather superfluous. We already have such a picture in our minds from the word “rattled” and we know that trains run along tracks, so it just doesn’t seem all that necessary to point out, and is a bit jarring in the flow of the sentence in general. Otherwise, I love the introduction!
The plot thickens! I like how we went from a wider view to closing in on the murderer. I have two changes here; the first is really simple—I don’t think the comma after “suits” is needed. Secondly, I think “their wicked deeds” could be changed to “this wicked deed” because it seems more like it’s referring to what we’ve already established, whereas what you have here almost seems to reference new deeds if that makes sense?
I absolutely love the oblique title of “the Engineer” and the alliteration of “a most macabre manner” (stop it I can’t resist alliteration it’s basically my favorite thing ever)! My only small nitpick would be that I don’t think you need to have the article “a” before “ruthless determination,” as I feel it slows down the sentence.
Here I feel the timeline seems a bit off; it says “as” they prepared for bed, then seems to jump back to when they’re about to prepare for bed. Shuffling around the order of the sentence or simply removing the phrase “As the passengers prepared for bed,” should fix this confusion!
Whoa, this is so cool/evil ! :0 I really like it~ only comment would be you mention “silently” witnessed, but the wheels are presumably not silent.
This is great! I like the introduction of another character who knows what is going on. The “he” after “zenith” is a bit of an unclear antecedent. I would use Dalton’s name here as it confused me who precisely you were speaking about.
Wow! I really really like how you bring it back to the beginning sentences at the end. I’m a sucker for things ending as they began hehe. Overall, your writing was lovely and I really enjoyed reading it. Thanks so much for letting me critique!
(405/200)

July 12th Daily
255 words
“Undecided Cabin” intro
You stride down the sidewalk, Walkman swinging in hand. The heels of your boots thump onto the ground in perfect rhythm with the song playing in your headphones, and you can’t help but bust out some fancy footwork as you sing, “Y’know I wish that I had Jessie’s girl! Uhuhuhuh UH!” You don’t really mind; you’re just going to Blockbuster for a movie. When you arrive, the girl at the counter looks up.
“Oh hey! We just got a new copy of this movie I think you’ll like.”
You walk up to the counter, and she pulls out a tape and slides it over to you. You take your headphones off and pick up the video: it’s Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. You look back at her. “I haven’t seen this in, like, forever.”
She grins, “ It’ll be a nostalgic weekend watch, then,” she winks at you, “and I think it’s perfect for you.”
You shrug and decide to rent it. As you walk out of the rental store, the girl calls out, “Don’t forget, be kind, rewind!”
…
After watching the movie, you take out the tape to rewind it. As you turn a pen in one of the reel holes, you hear the tape emit a crackle. You freeze. That’s not supposed to happen. You slowly turn the pen more, and the crackle turns into a fine static, then a voice.
“Hello? Hello? … Okay, here we go. If you’re listening to this message, you’ve been chosen for something very special…”

12th July Daily
The Luddites! Dysopian Cabin Intro
You remember stepping off the train a couple of hours ago, being alone on the platform. This isn’t quite what you expected of London. It’s cold and rainy, the only things that move are stout little robots, and you’ve not seen a living soul since you left the train. You don’t know where to go, who to turn to. You hear whooping and cheering a few streets down. You stumble through the rain, glad to hear human voices, and see the charred and smoking remains of a bunch of delivery droids. As you stand there in shock, a hand clamps over your mouth and pulls you into the shadows.
“Bring them through.”
Suddenly you’re in a massive hall, filled with voices and colour and music and joy, but you’re too bewildered to take it in. The hand is taken off your mouth and you remember to breathe. You’re being examined by a group of teens, whispering and looking at each other as if they haven’t seen anything like you before. One steps forwards and says:
“Hello. We’re the rebellion. We’re love and happiness and everything the world has forgotten. We’re the Luddites. And we want you to join us.”
(199 words)