table of contents

prologue | chapter one

I was walking home from school. Eager to get home to my computer, I started to walk faster, leaving my mother a couple of steps behind. She laughed, and told me to slow down and appreciate life. I had shaken my head but still stopped to let her catch up. She put her arm around my shoulder and told me how much she loved me. That was when I had started to think that something may be wrong.

We were almost to our apartment when suddenly she started to look over her shoulder every few steps. When I asked her what she was looking for, she put on a mask of indifference and didn't say anything, just squeezed me tighter. Kept walking, but quietly this time. Taking shortcuts through alleys we usually didn't go through. Still, she said nothing.

What I saw was a figure emerge from the shadows holding a gvn.

What I saw was them turn toward my mother and aim.

I saw myself launch in front of her-

What I didn't see was my mother screaming at the figure, begging them to take her instead.

What I didn't see was them obliging, sh00ting her right in the head.

What I didn't see was the paramedics oblivious to the figure dissolving into darkness.

I saw nothing.

Just blackness.



A bright room. No, bright isn't the right word. White. White is everywhere, on the walls, on the floor, on the sterile bedsheets that chain me down to the white bed. On the long lab coats of blurry figures that dart in and out of the room in a seemingly endless dance. On the beeping machines that I appear to be attached to most uncomfortably.

As I drift in and out of consciousness, words float around me like fleeting clouds on a windy day.

“A shot like that could be fatal… no, she seems like a fighter… to the chest! What nerve… that poor girl…”

The white room grows darker.

The beeping grows steadily louder and faster. Too much noise, I thought. I can't handle this. And why is everything so foggy?

I try to call out, to ask for help, but I am too weak. My limbs won't cooperate. I become frustrated quickly, and try to sit up. Blood rushes from my head and the roar in my head drowns out everything else.

I collapse back onto my bed, and the world spirals into darkness.

proofreaders- @marliqht @ACupOfJo

I really like this, but I would suggest, this is just me being crazy, so no need to add if you dont want to, but “She laughed. Told me to slow down and appreciate life” could be turned into one of 2 things.
#1 ‘She laughed, and told me to slow down and appreciate life’
or
#2 ‘She laughed. She told me to slow down and appreciate life’


Just suggestions..

ok, tysm!

ola

I think this is absolutely amazing!!! Some feedback for you as a writer who has taken a buncha writing workshops:

I guess I'll play the role of, for lack of a better word, dramaturg in this case (even tho it's a story xD) Perhaps take away the bit that she saw herself jump in front of her mother to take the bullet? Usually when someone undergoes something that traumatic they don't remember it. You don't even have to mention it or replace anything at all, the doctors mentioning “right to the chest” shows it really well.

You could probably just say, “I jumped,” or something like that, and then cut to the “What I didn't see” bit.

Remember it's always more important to show, not tell!

Ex: instead of saying, (and I'm showing how you showed here)

“I fell asleep / unconcious” you said,
“I collapse back onto my bed, and the world spirals into darkness.”

Great use of metaphors btw!

Wow, this is really good. One thing. Maybe change: “I saw myself launch in front of her, taking the full force of the bullet.” to: “I jumped in front of her, ready for the worst, taking full force of the bullet.” But otherwise, I love this and I'm excited to read more! ^^ <3

aIoe- wrote:

ok, tysm!

ofc, I see you added it Thanks

thank you so much for your feedback! i'll fix it right away

aIoe- wrote:

thank you so much for your feedback! i'll fix it right away

no problemo!

aIoe- wrote:

thank you so much for your feedback! i'll fix it right away

You don't have to fix it btw!

Ohh also, lol, maybe instead of: “A bright room. No, bright isn't the right word. White. White is everywhere, on the walls, on the floor, on the sterile bedsheets that chain me down to the white bed.” you could write: “I woke up in a white room. It swallowed me whole, from the beeping machines to the paramedics whispers, saying, ”What should we do?“” Just a thought!

aa tysm!

amazingggg!

Awesome but I think it is gun not gvn

aaa this is awesome!! I can't wait to see what happens next!!

wow this is really good! great job!! <3

This is good you are awesome

Omg, i love this! Off topic question, but how do u make a forum?

-qream- wrote:

Awesome but I think it is gun not gvn

its because “gun” is a bad word when your posting forums, or projects, or anything really, so gvm looks like “gun”, v and u, see the similarities? so thats why she did that

This is awesome!! The story seems really interesting so far- I’d definitely read the finished book! :0

I love this! You are an awesome writer