The-Book-Worm wrote:

thegamer2005 wrote:

I’m probably not qualified to do this but
Tip of the day
Remember that a book is not a movie. Not every moment that plays out in your head like a movie will actually sound good on paper. Remember you can’t have different shots in a book, and if you try to write exactly what you see in the ‘shot’ it will sound awkward.

I'm pretty sure none of us are qualified to do this

thegamer2005 wrote:

Tip of the Day
Pick apart a movie/story you liked and use the basis of that plot for your own story.

Example: Aladdin: Everyday the character did ____ but then got a new goal/motivation. In order to to that he had to_____ and found a friend along the way. Everything was going his way untill____ the battle was won in the end, but he made a really tough moral desicion to help his friend, but in the end things worked out for both of them.

See! You wouldn't nessiscarily know that was Aladdin unless I told you! (which i did) And its a great plot layout to build from. When you've added your own touches it will be an amazing not plagarism story

Belataphe wrote:

I write a bit, and my old English teacher fixes mistakes in my writing- it’s really helpful

Reine_Regina wrote:

Belataphe wrote:

I write a bit, and my old English teacher fixes mistakes in my writing- it’s really helpful

That's really sweet. Maybe I could do that. My old favorite teacher retired last year but she gave me her email.

I guess the story starts in the forests surrounding Trivandor, a hostile nation that we didn’t want to go through on our journey for a canddenberry leaf. Yes, it was me, Varian, and Rapunzel out on an expenditure again. I mean, I can’t blame her for picking me to go on adventures all the time, we’re a perfect team, I’m the brains and she’s the uh… optimism. Yeah. So we’re off to find a canddenberry leaf, which is apparently the only thing that will heal Old Lady Crowley's rash…. Ya know, regarding that, I’m not even sure why we’re 15 miles from home on a horse-pulled wagon. I was about to tell Raps of this when Max (the horse) suddenly whinnied and went from a walking pace for a full gallop in two seconds flat. Whistling wind flattened my hair to my head and nearly took off my goggles. I had to grip the side of the wagon tightly to keep from falling off. I had no clue what spooked Max. Although I had a slight suspicion it was Rudigers doing. I scowled at my raccoon who was now hanging on to my shoulders for dear life. We suddenly pulled right and the left wheels came clear off the ground as Max took the turn too fast.
“Maa-a-aax! Sloo-oow doo-own!” Raps yelled as we whipped along, bouncing at every bump in the path.
Faster and faster Max raced. Slowly, but surely, we became aware of a dark presence following us. We were being chased! Then the road became serpentine. Whipping this way and that our bags bumping around the back of the wagon, I pulled on my goggles to keep the dust created from our zigging and zagging out of my eyes. But one more turn and it was all over. The road turned a complete one-eighty, the wheels sure came off the ground, and I just couldn’t hold on anymore. I lost my grip and flew into the forest as I heard our wagon crash. But then whack and I heard no more.

I came to with a ringing sound in my ears. Rubbing my head, I slowly sat up. Soon the ringing subsided and I became aware of Rudiger tugging at my pant leg.
“What? What is it buddy?” I looked up and saw a wall of ivy. “Your right, that does look interesting.” I breathed with honest intrigue.
I hitched myself to my feet and with Rudiger on my shoulder, started toward the wall of ivy. As if in a trance, I reached out my hand to touch it, and then drew it back to reveal an enchanting sight.
I gasped as I beheld the wonder in front of me. Great trees, poplar trees, I knew, formed a semi-circle in the space hidden by the ivy. Mushrooms of impressive size grew around their trunks. Exotic ferns I had never seen before carpeted the floor, accompanied by large flowers that seemed almost other-worldly. In the middle was an ancient tree stump with small flowers and moss growing on and around it. But it all did not seem purposely planted, like a garden. I felt like this foliage had come about because, or were even called by, the object in the center of the stump.
It was a lamp. And not your ol’ living room lamp either, it was like a genie lamp. Completely gold and sleek, it seemed to glow. I didn’t even realize I started moving toward it. I waded through the ferns and soon came close enough to pick it up. And I did.
“Wow. Rudiger, I thought these were a fairy tale! It even looks like it has something written on it. But there’s nothing really written here, it's just to get people to rub the lamp” I explained to Rudiger, who could care less whether the lamp was orange with purple polka dots. Apparently, he just wanted to see the genie, because he ran down my arm, and snatched the lamp. “Rudiger!” I shouted in protest. What proceeded was a sort of tug of war that ended in me holding the lamp just about one inch above Rudiger's reach, even though he was on my head. With great effort, I rubbed the lamp and then we both forgot our quarrel.

Reine_Regina wrote:

Belataphe wrote:

I write a bit, and my old English teacher fixes mistakes in my writing- it’s really helpful

That's really sweet. Maybe I could do that. My old favorite teacher retired last year but she gave me her email.

thegamer2005 wrote:

Hey this forum is really dead but I really need this piece reviewed. Would you all be so kind as to look through this and critique?
IF YOU RECOGNIZE THIS FANDOM/SHOW PLEASE BE NICE ABOUT IT c: and maybe talk to me about it on my profile
here it is:

I guess the story starts in the forests surrounding Trivandor, a hostile nation that we didn’t want to go through on our journey for a canddenberry leaf. Yes, it was me, Varian, and Rapunzel out on an expenditure again. I mean, I can’t blame her for picking me to go on adventures all the time, we’re a perfect team, I’m the brains and she’s the uh… optimism. Yeah. So we’re off to find a canddenberry leaf, which is apparently the only thing that will heal Old Lady Crowley's rash…. Ya know, regarding that, I’m not even sure why we’re 15 miles from home on a horse-pulled wagon. I was about to tell Raps of this when Max (the horse) suddenly whinnied and went from a walking pace for a full gallop in two seconds flat. Whistling wind flattened my hair to my head and nearly took off my goggles. I had to grip the side of the wagon tightly to keep from falling off. I had no clue what spooked Max. Although I had a slight suspicion it was Rudigers doing. I scowled at my raccoon who was now hanging on to my shoulders for dear life. We suddenly pulled right and the left wheels came clear off the ground as Max took the turn too fast.
“Maa-a-aax! Sloo-oow doo-own!” Raps yelled as we whipped along, bouncing at every bump in the path.
Faster and faster Max raced. Slowly, but surely, we became aware of a dark presence following us. We were being chased! Then the road became serpentine. Whipping this way and that our bags bumping around the back of the wagon, I pulled on my goggles to keep the dust created from our zigging and zagging out of my eyes. But one more turn and it was all over. The road turned a complete one-eighty, the wheels sure came off the ground, and I just couldn’t hold on anymore. I lost my grip and flew into the forest as I heard our wagon crash. But then whack and I heard no more.

I came to with a ringing sound in my ears. Rubbing my head, I slowly sat up. Soon the ringing subsided and I became aware of Rudiger tugging at my pant leg.
“What? What is it buddy?” I looked up and saw a wall of ivy. “Your right, that does look interesting.” I breathed with honest intrigue.
I hitched myself to my feet and with Rudiger on my shoulder, started toward the wall of ivy. As if in a trance, I reached out my hand to touch it, and then drew it back to reveal an enchanting sight.
I gasped as I beheld the wonder in front of me. Great trees, poplar trees, I knew, formed a semi-circle in the space hidden by the ivy. Mushrooms of impressive size grew around their trunks. Exotic ferns I had never seen before carpeted the floor, accompanied by large flowers that seemed almost other-worldly. In the middle was an ancient tree stump with small flowers and moss growing on and around it. But it all did not seem purposely planted, like a garden. I felt like this foliage had come about because, or were even called by, the object in the center of the stump.
It was a lamp. And not your ol’ living room lamp either, it was like a genie lamp. Completely gold and sleek, it seemed to glow. I didn’t even realize I started moving toward it. I waded through the ferns and soon came close enough to pick it up. And I did.
“Wow. Rudiger, I thought these were a fairy tale! It even looks like it has something written on it. But there’s nothing really written here, it's just to get people to rub the lamp” I explained to Rudiger, who could care less whether the lamp was orange with purple polka dots. Apparently, he just wanted to see the genie, because he ran down my arm, and snatched the lamp. “Rudiger!” I shouted in protest. What proceeded was a sort of tug of war that ended in me holding the lamp just about one inch above Rudiger's reach, even though he was on my head. With great effort, I rubbed the lamp and then we both forgot our quarrel.

Belataphe wrote:

thegamer2005 wrote:

Hey this forum is really dead but I really need this piece reviewed. Would you all be so kind as to look through this and critique?
IF YOU RECOGNIZE THIS FANDOM/SHOW PLEASE BE NICE ABOUT IT c: and maybe talk to me about it on my profile
here it is:

I guess the story starts in the forests surrounding Trivandor, a hostile nation that we didn’t want to go through on our journey for a canddenberry leaf. Yes, it was me, Varian, and Rapunzel out on an expenditure again. I mean, I can’t blame her for picking me to go on adventures all the time, we’re a perfect team, I’m the brains and she’s the uh… optimism. Yeah. So we’re off to find a canddenberry leaf, which is apparently the only thing that will heal Old Lady Crowley's rash…. Ya know, regarding that, I’m not even sure why we’re 15 miles from home on a horse-pulled wagon. I was about to tell Raps of this when Max (the horse) suddenly whinnied and went from a walking pace for a full gallop in two seconds flat. Whistling wind flattened my hair to my head and nearly took off my goggles. I had to grip the side of the wagon tightly to keep from falling off. I had no clue what spooked Max. Although I had a slight suspicion it was Rudigers doing. I scowled at my raccoon who was now hanging on to my shoulders for dear life. We suddenly pulled right and the left wheels came clear off the ground as Max took the turn too fast.
“Maa-a-aax! Sloo-oow doo-own!” Raps yelled as we whipped along, bouncing at every bump in the path.
Faster and faster Max raced. Slowly, but surely, we became aware of a dark presence following us. We were being chased! Then the road became serpentine. Whipping this way and that our bags bumping around the back of the wagon, I pulled on my goggles to keep the dust created from our zigging and zagging out of my eyes. But one more turn and it was all over. The road turned a complete one-eighty, the wheels sure came off the ground, and I just couldn’t hold on anymore. I lost my grip and flew into the forest as I heard our wagon crash. But then whack and I heard no more.

I came to with a ringing sound in my ears. Rubbing my head, I slowly sat up. Soon the ringing subsided and I became aware of Rudiger tugging at my pant leg.
“What? What is it buddy?” I looked up and saw a wall of ivy. “Your right, that does look interesting.” I breathed with honest intrigue.
I hitched myself to my feet and with Rudiger on my shoulder, started toward the wall of ivy. As if in a trance, I reached out my hand to touch it, and then drew it back to reveal an enchanting sight.
I gasped as I beheld the wonder in front of me. Great trees, poplar trees, I knew, formed a semi-circle in the space hidden by the ivy. Mushrooms of impressive size grew around their trunks. Exotic ferns I had never seen before carpeted the floor, accompanied by large flowers that seemed almost other-worldly. In the middle was an ancient tree stump with small flowers and moss growing on and around it. But it all did not seem purposely planted, like a garden. I felt like this foliage had come about because, or were even called by, the object in the center of the stump.
It was a lamp. And not your ol’ living room lamp either, it was like a genie lamp. Completely gold and sleek, it seemed to glow. I didn’t even realize I started moving toward it. I waded through the ferns and soon came close enough to pick it up. And I did.
“Wow. Rudiger, I thought these were a fairy tale! It even looks like it has something written on it. But there’s nothing really written here, it's just to get people to rub the lamp” I explained to Rudiger, who could care less whether the lamp was orange with purple polka dots. Apparently, he just wanted to see the genie, because he ran down my arm, and snatched the lamp. “Rudiger!” I shouted in protest. What proceeded was a sort of tug of war that ended in me holding the lamp just about one inch above Rudiger's reach, even though he was on my head. With great effort, I rubbed the lamp and then we both forgot our quarrel.

(I don’t recognize the fandom lol) I actually love your writing style! I’m guessing that you want the character to appear younger or immature? I’m just assuming that based on the language they used. I love all the descriptive details

thegamer2005 wrote:

Belataphe wrote:

thegamer2005 wrote:

Hey this forum is really dead but I really need this piece reviewed. Would you all be so kind as to look through this and critique?
IF YOU RECOGNIZE THIS FANDOM/SHOW PLEASE BE NICE ABOUT IT c: and maybe talk to me about it on my profile
here it is:

I guess the story starts in the forests surrounding Trivandor, a hostile nation that we didn’t want to go through on our journey for a canddenberry leaf. Yes, it was me, Varian, and Rapunzel out on an expenditure again. I mean, I can’t blame her for picking me to go on adventures all the time, we’re a perfect team, I’m the brains and she’s the uh… optimism. Yeah. So we’re off to find a canddenberry leaf, which is apparently the only thing that will heal Old Lady Crowley's rash…. Ya know, regarding that, I’m not even sure why we’re 15 miles from home on a horse-pulled wagon. I was about to tell Raps of this when Max (the horse) suddenly whinnied and went from a walking pace for a full gallop in two seconds flat. Whistling wind flattened my hair to my head and nearly took off my goggles. I had to grip the side of the wagon tightly to keep from falling off. I had no clue what spooked Max. Although I had a slight suspicion it was Rudigers doing. I scowled at my raccoon who was now hanging on to my shoulders for dear life. We suddenly pulled right and the left wheels came clear off the ground as Max took the turn too fast.
“Maa-a-aax! Sloo-oow doo-own!” Raps yelled as we whipped along, bouncing at every bump in the path.
Faster and faster Max raced. Slowly, but surely, we became aware of a dark presence following us. We were being chased! Then the road became serpentine. Whipping this way and that our bags bumping around the back of the wagon, I pulled on my goggles to keep the dust created from our zigging and zagging out of my eyes. But one more turn and it was all over. The road turned a complete one-eighty, the wheels sure came off the ground, and I just couldn’t hold on anymore. I lost my grip and flew into the forest as I heard our wagon crash. But then whack and I heard no more.

I came to with a ringing sound in my ears. Rubbing my head, I slowly sat up. Soon the ringing subsided and I became aware of Rudiger tugging at my pant leg.
“What? What is it buddy?” I looked up and saw a wall of ivy. “Your right, that does look interesting.” I breathed with honest intrigue.
I hitched myself to my feet and with Rudiger on my shoulder, started toward the wall of ivy. As if in a trance, I reached out my hand to touch it, and then drew it back to reveal an enchanting sight.
I gasped as I beheld the wonder in front of me. Great trees, poplar trees, I knew, formed a semi-circle in the space hidden by the ivy. Mushrooms of impressive size grew around their trunks. Exotic ferns I had never seen before carpeted the floor, accompanied by large flowers that seemed almost other-worldly. In the middle was an ancient tree stump with small flowers and moss growing on and around it. But it all did not seem purposely planted, like a garden. I felt like this foliage had come about because, or were even called by, the object in the center of the stump.
It was a lamp. And not your ol’ living room lamp either, it was like a genie lamp. Completely gold and sleek, it seemed to glow. I didn’t even realize I started moving toward it. I waded through the ferns and soon came close enough to pick it up. And I did.
“Wow. Rudiger, I thought these were a fairy tale! It even looks like it has something written on it. But there’s nothing really written here, it's just to get people to rub the lamp” I explained to Rudiger, who could care less whether the lamp was orange with purple polka dots. Apparently, he just wanted to see the genie, because he ran down my arm, and snatched the lamp. “Rudiger!” I shouted in protest. What proceeded was a sort of tug of war that ended in me holding the lamp just about one inch above Rudiger's reach, even though he was on my head. With great effort, I rubbed the lamp and then we both forgot our quarrel.

I know that fandom! Also, I like it!

petme wrote:

so sad this place is dead it was so good when it was alive btw any of you got record players? i just gotten one yesterday ( its broken )

cheese-duck wrote:

welcome to the “cheese-duck crawls out of a pit of not-wanting-to-do-anything just to get stuck again” show

So, exploration is a key part of RPGs, and my RPG used to be a book that takes place mostly in one setting, a school. That's a problem because there's nowhere to explore in a school, and it quickly winds up seeming more like “teenage drama and angst” than “actual gameplay and action.”
But the main characters are kind of school-aged and it kind of takes place when school is in session

So I was thinking, maybe the school magically changes locations every week or so? But I would need to justify why. That would take a lot of money, and I don't want this to be a rich kid private school.

Uhh any solutions?
Thanks

Belataphe wrote:

cheese-duck wrote:

welcome to the “cheese-duck crawls out of a pit of not-wanting-to-do-anything just to get stuck again” show

So, exploration is a key part of RPGs, and my RPG used to be a book that takes place mostly in one setting, a school. That's a problem because there's nowhere to explore in a school, and it quickly winds up seeming more like “teenage drama and angst” than “actual gameplay and action.”
But the main characters are kind of school-aged and it kind of takes place when school is in session

So I was thinking, maybe the school magically changes locations every week or so? But I would need to justify why. That would take a lot of money, and I don't want this to be a rich kid private school.

Uhh any solutions?
Thanks

Umm maybe because they don’t want other people knowing about the school?

cheese-duck wrote:

Belataphe wrote:

cheese-duck wrote:

welcome to the “cheese-duck crawls out of a pit of not-wanting-to-do-anything just to get stuck again” show

So, exploration is a key part of RPGs, and my RPG used to be a book that takes place mostly in one setting, a school. That's a problem because there's nowhere to explore in a school, and it quickly winds up seeming more like “teenage drama and angst” than “actual gameplay and action.”
But the main characters are kind of school-aged and it kind of takes place when school is in session

So I was thinking, maybe the school magically changes locations every week or so? But I would need to justify why. That would take a lot of money, and I don't want this to be a rich kid private school.

Uhh any solutions?
Thanks

Umm maybe because they don’t want other people knowing about the school?

Considering the school makes money off of people knowing about it, probably not