TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

PrincessPandaLover wrote:

Chapter 20 of the Missing Chao

This was a pretty hard piece to start with, seeing as it's halfway through a story, but I could pick up a few things.
Firstly, you have one of the main problems that school education causes in writers- you overuse alternatives for said. While the whole “never use said” thing does have good intentions and encourages young writers to use more descriptive words, it often causes young writers to fear ever using the word said and to instead search for as many powerful alternatives as possible. For example, in your work you've used the words “squealed” and “barked” during what is clearly a quiet and relaxed conversation… unless you actually wanted sonic to make a high pitched screech in the middle of the night to a potentially sleeping friend, if so that's your prerogative.
Secondly, you sometimes use descriptive words that don't quite fit with the tone, or sound a bit silly, which breaks the immersion. For example, while you were describing the mixture of thoughts running through sonic's brain while he was trying to sleep, you used the phrase “lots of random stuff” right near the end- this messes with the tone as the rest of the paragraph seemed serious and important while the tone of this phrase is comedic and dismissive.
Thirdly, the arcade scene wasn't conveyed very well. The description was too long to be a short memory sonic was recalling but was too short and simple to be a narrative hop to the past- either shorten it to a sentence/paragraph or flesh it out into a detailed scene.

“Tails, how is your plane?” Sonic said to Tails.
“It's doing fine,” Tails replied.
Sonic ran out of the room, saying, “I better get a chili dog!”

PrincessPandaLover wrote:

“Tails, how is your plane?” Sonic said to Tails.
“It's doing fine,” Tails replied.
Sonic ran out of the room, saying, “I better get a chili dog!”

“Tails, how is your plane?” Sonic asked, {insert description of something Sonic is doing here (e.g: leaning on the door-frame)}.
“It's doing fine.” {you can just leave lines like this without a word after them, especially when we know who's talking. it breaks things up}
“I better get a chilli dog!” Sonic said as he rushed out of the room, {another description}.

PrincessPandaLover wrote:

3. Why?????????????????????????????????

“I… uh…” Dave stumbled for words. He wanted to tell Jane what she wanted to hear, that he'd got all the reports done last night, but he knew that was a lie too hard to believe- she followed him on facebook, and she definitely saw the five hour livestream of Minecraft he spent his evening with.

She remembered the day Dave finally popped the question- the skies above greener hill would never be as sunny and bright as that day. It had been quite a windy early April, and the pair had been holding onto their hats as they made the long climb through the thick tufts of wild grass that coated the hill… (this would go on for at least a paragraph)

PrincessPandaLover wrote:

Uhhh… how 'bout you review the other chapters?

cheese-duck wrote:

these tips are like 99% of my mental diet now

thank you

TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

cheese-duck wrote:

these tips are like 99% of my mental diet now

thank you

You're welcome!
I'm mostly just using these tips as a means to vent and clear my mind of all the advice I've picked up, so I'm glad they're helping others too.

cheese-duck wrote:

because sometimes you pick up advice and you just want all writers to adopt it as their moral code

PrincessPandaLover wrote:

What's up with my Missing Chao fic?

TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

Tip of the day
Just because a weapon/tool looks cool doesn't mean it's actually any good at it's purpose or that people would choose it over it's more mundane alternatives. Before you deck out your assassin with some intricately designed daggers, you might want to consider whether the carved shapes would snag on things. Or if they're actually any good at stealthily taking out enemies. Or if it'd just be more cost effective to use some rope near the target instead rather than specially ordering some expensive, funky knife.

cheese-duck wrote:

TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

Tip of the day
Just because a weapon/tool looks cool doesn't mean it's actually any good at it's purpose or that people would choose it over it's more mundane alternatives. Before you deck out your assassin with some intricately designed daggers, you might want to consider whether the carved shapes would snag on things. Or if they're actually any good at stealthily taking out enemies. Or if it'd just be more cost effective to use some rope near the target instead rather than specially ordering some expensive, funky knife.

<in the midst of stalking someone> <knife snags on clothes for the 1000th time> “Curse you, author, why'd you force me to buy these inconvenient things that aren't even a good deal”

TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

Tip of the day
General dialogue tips today, preparing for tomorrow.
“Keep punctuation inside the quotation marks!” He yelled.
“Start a new line whenever a different character thinks or speaks,” she replied, “Unless it's the same character, then you can keep writing.”
“This is very important when someone is saying a lot of things.” he added, “When a character is saying multiple sentences or a paragraph of information you should break it up to make it easier to read.
”In fact,“ He continued, ”If it's really long you can break it into multiple paragraphs by omitting the quotation mark at the end of the last line, and only putting it once you're done.“
”You can also use punctuation to show-“
”Someone being interrupted!“ he leapt out of his seat. ”Oh yeah, and you can leave lines with no dialogue tags it it's clear to the reader who was speaking!“
”Speaking of dialogue tags…“ she mumbled to herself, trying to think of the right words, ”You should generally be careful with them. If you use said way too much it can seem dull and boring however if you go out of your way to avoid it you can often end up using other verbs that don't actually fit the scene or distract from the dialogue.“
”If you don't know if it fits, read the dialogue as the tag says it should“ he bellowed, ”See how odd that sounded?“
”Try to avoid relying on adjectives to describe speech too!“ She added hopefully, ”If you find yourself using them often, you should look for a more fitting verb instead.“
”Also, your dialogue should have a aim and purpose for the story- it should build character or flow the plot along in some way. You should also try and keep it concise as unnecessary chit-chat can clog up the conversation and make reading dull.“
”One final point.“ she concluded, glaring at her friend to make sure he got the idea, ”You should always vary the lengths and styles of your dialogue, it makes it more fun!"

cheese-duck wrote:

Does ‘preparing for tomorrow’ refer to Camp NaNoWriMo or something else I'm unaware of?
(cause tomorrow it's starting and i figured maybe you're doing it since, ya know, writing)

(i'm in a 3-person cabin for scratchers)

TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

cheese-duck wrote:

Does ‘preparing for tomorrow’ refer to Camp NaNoWriMo or something else I'm unaware of?
(cause tomorrow it's starting and i figured maybe you're doing it since, ya know, writing)

(i'm in a 3-person cabin for scratchers)

Check what day tomorrow is in UK time…

TheRealNetherBefore wrote:

Writing tips
Make sure to project all of your thoughts, feelings, interests and issues into your work. Don't use your work as a means to tell compelling stories or explore speculative ideas- use it as a way to vent all your feelings and fulfil all your wishes.